silent signs

Evan liked the neighbor's son in a different way than the other kids liked him. Maybe he always knew deep inside this feeling was built differently. It was something living in his blood, circulating through his entire body. He always liked him, admired him, could not take his eyes off him.

The thing was: Barty Crouch was a difficult person to like. Especially when other kids were around. Where Evan was craving his full attention, those blue eyes on him and only him, Barty craved the attention of everyone around him. This was frustrating. All he ever wanted was Barty's eyes on him, him looking at him to see the same Evan did when he laid his eyes on Barty since their first meeting. Often Evan ended up sulking and hiding away and only Pandora, his cousin, was able to find him. She never asked him why he avoided everyone. Maybe she knew, maybe not. Evan did not really care.

Even though he went astray, leaving the group of kids, Barty never really cared. He let him go. Sometimes it made Evan angry and jealous. It was always this way, even when he could not quite put a finger on this feeling, not understanding why he was feeling this way. He was eleven or twelve when the realization hit him.

He was always in a way a jealous person, claiming people he really liked. Once there was a family party. Pandora's family came over, as well as other relatives with other children. At this point, it was always him and his cousin. In a way, she was his best friend. So when another child tried to claim her heart, he felt angry about it, starting a fight with it, to prove Pandora was his cousin and friend and only his. At the end of the day, he got scolded for creating a scene and biting other family members. He hit his mother for not understanding him and got grounded for one month. No going out, no playing with Pandora. He cried. He hated his mother back then for the first time. Resignation set in after two weeks trying to get on her nerves on purpose, which only ended up in a warning to add another month to his punishment.

He met Barty as an eight year old boy.

His family had moved closer to Pandora's family home. His parents fought a lot with him over every little thing he did or did not.
He did not eat enough, they would scream at him. He did not style his hair properly, scream. He let slip dishes accidentally, scream. His parents were always angry at him. Every time it happened, he just went hiding in their garden.
As a small boy, the best hiding spot turned out to be the bushes separating their home from the neighbor's side. For sure, it was a good hiding spot. The adults would not think of checking the bushes to find their difficult child, but for other children it might have been an obvious hideout, so also for Barty, who found him because of the rustling leaves and creaky branches.

Barty was mean to him the first time they spoke, calling him ugly for his light hair and also the leaves sticking into it. Evan called him out for a missing tooth and the freckles scattered over his cheeks and nose. But the following days, they always met up in the bushes to bicker or to play with stones. Already on the second day, Evan started to like him, always looking out to meet him and playing. Where his parents' house was anger and pain, Barty gave him fun as well as joy. Some weeks later they decided to leave the hideout behind, tired of bugs getting under the clothes and annoyed by the same scenery. Together they explored the woods near their houses, running around, playing hide and seek. Most of the time, Evan stuck to him, not thinking about leaving his side and having to share him with other children. Not until Dorcas and Regulus started to come along.

Their time as two was counted and sometimes, whilst they were waiting for the two new kids to tag along, Evan watched Barty grow bored. He got used to it, also, as he wasn't in the place to say anything against Regulus and Dorcas. They didn't give him a reason, trying to involve him in every play they decided to do, which was annoying and nice at the same time. They were a group of five, when Pandora also started to join from time to time.

Years later Barty and Evan ended up alone in the woods, wandering around.

"When do you think the others will come?", Barty asked, being impatient. Evan repressed an annoyed sigh. Sometimes he felt not good enough, even though Barty probably didn't mean it this way. He just liked the others as well, and Regulus was his best friend, which was also infuriating for Evan, since Barty and he were friends at first. So he just kept walking, hiding his frown and shrugging. Barty picked up his pace, bumping into his shoulder. Evan had to smile as tingles wandered from his stomach to his lips.
"Don't ignore my question, Rosier!", Barty protested, intruding his space further as he put his arm around his shoulder, using his hand to play with Evan's light locks. Evan wanted to shove him away, and he wanted to laugh at once. "I don't know. How should I know?", he answered, leaning his head towards Barty to escape the fingers playing with his hair. But Barty saw this as an invitation for a game, trying to get his other hand into Evan's hair as well. Evan tried to escape the arm holding him close to the other boy, cheeks growing hot. "Stop!"
But Barty just laughed, ignoring him completely and his complaints.
"Remember when you had leaves in your hair? You looked really stupid.", the brown haired boy told him. Evan launched at him, using his full body weight to move him away. "You always look stupid, dumbass. How about that?", he answered, gripping the arm of the other and holding it in place.
"No, I don't!"
"You absolutely do."

Evan laughed, because his whole body did these funny things around Barty and when he had his full attention, he stopped immediately as he felt Barty's attention slip away, leaving him behind to surge forward to fall in Regulus' arms, whose face grew annoyed. "Reggie!"

And there it was, the ugly feeling crawling under his skin. Evan greeted Regulus as well as the two girls, being utterly annoyed at the two other boys' friendship. He had no part in it.
He met Pandora's eyes, telling him: you always do that.
Than everything fell in place again: Regulus and Barty stuck together and Evan was with the girls. On that day, Evan went home unnoticed, just to be met by the realization that something about his feelings had a completely different nature than Regulus' feelings for Barty. They were friends and friends only. And Evan...? Evan was always craving Barty and more. He was still young back then, a child, and so his feelings still had an innocent nature. As he grew older, it changed. His feelings got more intense with puberty.

°° °°

The group of five teens sat in the woods, bottles of liquid in their middle, Barty talking nonsense and Pandora eyeing the alcohol with mistrust. Evan felt moody. So was Regulus, who sent sinister glances in his best friends' direction. Dorcas was daydreaming, far away from listening Barty yapping about everything and everyone, especially his father.
"For fuck's sake, Barty, can you please shut up for a second?", Regulus snapped, which brought Evan to lay his eyes on the dark haired boy. Reaching for one of the bottles, he leaned forwards. Barty sat down, sulking. He did not need to look to know this. Regulus' words always reached him.
"No need to be mean, Reggie. If you'd asked nicely, I would have shut up, you know.", Barty said.
"You wouldn't.", Evan negated, leaned back while opening the bottle and taking a sip. Now blue eyes were on him, sulking with him as well, which made him shrug.

"Well, you two are mean. Dorcas? Pan?", searching for help, he looked at the girls. Pandora smiled helplessly and Dorcas was confused. "Fuckers...", Barty murmured, leaning back. There was barely space between Evan and him now. Their shoulders were sticking together as well as their legs were touching. It made Evan more annoyed. The girls started a conversation with Regulus, talking about ideas for drinking games, while Barty listened in, breathing calmly, but even this put him on edge. His heart was racing and his body hyper aware of the proximity of his crush.

"Are you angry with me?", Barty whispered, leaning even more towards him, so the others could not listen in. Evan forced himself not to turn his face, because he definitely didn't want to shy away from the fact how close Barty was to him. He shrugged, taking another sip.
"Are you?"
"Why should I?", he asked back. Barty didn't answer directly, thinking about it.
"Because it seems you're angry about something or with me? You're being mean and grumpy."
Well, there was nothing he could say about it. He was grumpy, as well as he was mean. There was no denying in a fact. He watched the girls trying to coax Regulus to tell them if he had a crush, which he denied constantly. What was this about anyway? Since when was this the topic of their group? Yeah, they were sixteen and everything, but that was shit.
"Will you slip away again?", Barty asked him, and it made him turn. Their faces were close to each other, so close he could feel Barty's breath hitting his skin.
"Why should I?", he snapped.
"You always do-"

"Maybe you ask them what they do, instead of annoying me", Regulus said, which made them all turn. The other three watched them with big eyes as if they intruded on something intimate, which was definitely not the case. Barty was the first to react, laying an arm around Evan and pulling him close. He laughed.
"We're mates. Don't look at us. Girls have my whole heart. But if this is a topic, I would definitely smooch Dorcas. Wouldn't you, Rosier?", he looked at him and Evan locked his eyes with the blue ones. The thing is, he wouldn't. He never had feelings for any girl. He would-

Annoyed at himself and his thoughts, he pushed Barty away. "You're such a wanker."
He rose to his feet and just took the bottle, before leaving the group behind. As the noise of his friends fated away, and he was sure of nobody following him, he allowed himself to cry silently. This was the thing about liking Barty, wasn't it? Barty liked the other's attention more than he liked Evan's. Barty liked girls and Evan liked him. It made everything complicated. Of course, he would like girls more. Of course he would choose to kiss Dorcas, because she was pretty and foremost a girl and Evan wasn't. But Evan wanted to kiss him so badly.

Sadly, this will never happen.

°° °°

The first time he met Regulus, he knew they would never be friends. He decided while looking into the green eyes of a shy boy with black curls and freckles.

In the beginning, Regulus rarely talked. When he did, it was always Dorcas he turned to. Evan was okay with that. So he had one less person to pretend he was friends with. Until he understood that him and Regulus were not so different. Both of them had a bad relationship with their parents. Regulus had a brother always fighting with them, while he stood behind him, always watching. Evan's first thought was: coward, but he had to reverse this thought. Why would Regulus be a coward to avoid fights with his parents, when he knew there was no good outcome in this, not for him?
So when something happened in their parents' houses, they just sat next to each other, not talking since this was not their strong suit, but understanding. They knew. There was nothing to talk about. They knew the pain, the noise and the trauma. Regulus was also moody. Sometimes their mood swings were the same. From fine to angry. From happy to sad. From annoyed to tired.
They knew when they could not talk about what exactly they were feeling since they didn't understand it themselves.

Evan also knew Regulus was gay. He also liked boys. He even knew who he crushed on. Evan was sure Regulus knew he was in love with Barty. And the moment he realized both of them understood each other equally, it was too late to go back. Regulus Black became his friend in a deep, understanding way. They never said this to each other, they just knew.
You are my friend. I understand you. You understand me without any words spoken.

Maybe they were even best friends, maybe more, but this was something Evan never gave a lot of thought to.
There were days he forgot about it. And he was surprised when Regulus was there, looking in his eyes and knew. It was shocking that it didn't change instead it grew stronger.

Evan sat in school the day after leaving his group in the woods behind, going through his notes, as Regulus came to him, just to sit next to him and go through their day together. They had no need to talk. Evan assumed they would be angry for leaving them behind, slipping away again, but Regulus? He definitely wasn't. Maybe he didn't care, or he did care a lot, but about him. They had a strange relationship nonetheless.

Regulus was a strange person, his personality a mystery for itself. Foremost he was a boy who thought he was broken and irreparable. He also said he hated his brother, but in truth did love him deeply. He was a person who clung to people he liked, never really able to let them go. He did this today, never leaving Evan's side. They shared notes and food, avoiding Barty and his glares. Maybe this was mean, but Evan needed room to breathe. Especially when he felt overwhelmed by his emotions and Barty, who tended to stick to him like another limb.

During breaks, they hid together on the school rooftop. The ground felt cold under his back and the air was freezing.
"You know, you don't have to do this.", Evan brought himself to speak after hours not talking. He wasn't even such a silent person, rather talkative on most days, but this was something his parents took from him, as well. They never liked him talking. Regulus shifted a little bit and sighed.
"You don't have to do this too, you know.", he imitated Evan's tone. Evan felt his mouth corners tugging, being forced into a tiny smile.
"What am I doing?", he asked back. Regulus turned his eyes to him, his dark locks sprawled under his head. "Bottling your sorrows and hiding away. No one judges you for letting your emotions out.", he told him, sounding like a hypocrite. Evan lifted a brow and Regulus grinned cheekily.
"Says you and besides, that's not true. My parents do.", he sighed, stretching his arms and legs a bit, because they started to feel sore.
"Fuck your parents."
"Fuck your parents too."

They smiled at each other, before a frown took over again. Silently, they just watched each other. Evan searched for answers in those green eyes of the friend he never expected to find.
"Emotions suck.", Evan said, not able to hide the bitter tone in his voice. He did not know better.
"When do they not?", Regulus added and shrugged. They fell silent again for a while.
"But I mean it. When it is us, you're free to let your emotions out. If you feel like fighting, fight us. We all are able to fight back."
And he knew Regulus meant it. There was no lie behind it, it was just the truth. They all are able to fight, to take the other's anger, but even though...
"I hate to lose control. I do if I am angry.", he doubted. Regulus laughed lightly. "You know, I hate this too. We're really not so different."

And they knew. They always knew.

"It's weird, you know? I wanted to hate you so much, but as it turned out I can't, because you understand me too well", he told him, sitting up. Regulus followed his lead, never really turning his eyes away from him. This was also difficult for him, but somehow if it was just them, it was easier. Easier to understand each other, to talk about the whole emotion thing, to be.
"I just knew the moment we locked eyes for the first time, if that makes sense. Sweet of you trying to hate me though.", Regulus admitted, pushing some locks out of his face.

And it was the first time the thought crossed Evan's mind, that maybe and just maybe they were more than just friends but soulmates. Not in a romantic, but platonic kind of way. Before Regulus, he never knew he was in need of a person understanding him in a silent way. He always wished Barty was able to understand him, but Barty was loud and not exellent in picking up silent signs. Barty needed words thrown at his head to understand. Regulus did not. Regulus read him like an open book, as Evan him.

"It makes sense.", he answered, and he didn't need words to know Regulus felt the same about him as he did for him. This was too much to put into words for them. Maybe they will be able to do this someday, maybe never. It didn't matter, as long as they knew.

Sometimes there are people you can't really put a label on. They too much to be just a friend. Too important to be just a best friend, in a not lover way. Sometimes this person is your deepest connection, a soulmate, just someone destined to be. This was everything Evan needed to know, this was everything and more he felt about Regulus, about this dark haired boy, he tried to hate so much.

Sitting in front of each other suddenly meant so much. He couldn't help but feel fond of Regulus.
"I, by the way, think too; Barty is sometimes a dickhead, Evan." Regulus confessed and brought Evan to laugh. The sound just blubbered out of his mouth without holding back, but as fast as the laugh came, it also settled sadness in, gripping him so strongly that he felt his heart clench.
"I think I am an idiot," he choked out.
"For having feelings? No. Maybe for falling for a straight guy, yes," Regulus tried to lift the mood, and it helped in some weird way.
"We are both idiots then," he stated. They were idiots falling for straight guys. Maybe this should have been a name for a club of two boys hiding away on a school roof.

If it wasn't for the cold settling in their bones, they would've stayed longer, but they returned back into the building, no longer invisible for others' eyes. Evan played with the seam of his school pullover, and Regulus searched in his bag for the book he was currently reading. As they bypassed his older brother's friend group, he pretended to be deeply sunken in whatever he was reading. Evan leaned forward to get a peek at the title, also ignoring Sirius and his crew. An unwritten codex between them two. Not looking at his brother and his friends; no talking to his brother and his friends. Though Regulus broke this rule to steal looks in their direction, especially to a brown haired boy with too big glasses who was also the loudest. Also something Evan and him had in common. They liked loud boys.

With the next turn they took, they suddenly found themselves with Barty, who directly stuck to Evans side, determined to not be left behind of them again. He sulked. Evan knew this just by his aura and dark glint in his eyes. In some way he emphasized with him since he was left alone behind. As it seemed, he didn't find the girls as well.
"Where have you been?" he asked, trying to sound playful. Evan stole a look at him and took him in for some seconds. His brown hair went astray at some point this day, being a mess altogether, as well as his school uniform. This boy never wore it properly.

"Enjoying silence. Something you seem not to know, Crouch," Evan mocked him, sending him a side eye. He knew which buttons he had to push to swap the facet of the other away. Now he definitely didn't hide his sulking.
"Don't be so mean to me," he complained, bumping into his side.
"Don't be a crybaby. You have us now again," he shrugged, also pushing Barty a little bit with his hand. Barty grinned, even though it didn't reach his eyes, but it didn't stop him from pulling Evan close to just lay his arm around his neck. Evan rolled his eyes but accepted it nonetheless. What could he do? He was a weak man when it came to Barty.

"Wanna come to mine after school?" Barty asked, and Evan lifted an eyebrow at him.
"What? Us all?" he asked, feeling dumbfounded as Barty took his turn to roll his eyes at him. Evan sent a look to Regulus, who never looked up from his lecture.
"No, you and me at mine," Barty explained, coming too close. His heart felt like getting an attack. He turned his head to look into Barty's eyes. They had not really met alone since their group was formed.
"What about your dad?” he asked because he knew Barty and the relationship to his dad was something built differently.
"On work travel or whatsoever. Only my mom's home. Even if he were home, who is he to care? I want you to come over, so come over, please?" he replied, looking at him and trying puppy eyes.
Evan sighed. "Yeah, whatever. I'll come over."
With these words, he seemed to lift up Barty's whole mood. A happy grin lit up his whole face, and he couldn't help but stare and feel so in love. He didn't mean to stare, but Barty's smile was insanely pretty; it made him giddy.

Regulus slapped his arm softly to pull him back to reality. Barty was already talking with Regulus, being proud of having convinced Evan to come to his house. The whole school knew at this point probably.
Evan Rosier was going to Barty Crouch's house.

But there was no way to stop this boy's happiness.

°° °°

Evan had never met Barty's mother. He saw her and greeted her when he did, but they never really had the opportunity to really talk to each other or to be introduced. So it was normal, he felt awkwardly shy as he came in front of this woman, who seemed to directly love him.
"Oh, Evan, right? It's lovely you're here. Come in," she greeted him with a heartwarming smile. He stepped in after Barty, took his shoes and jacket off, and followed Barty and his mother further in the house.
"I made some snacks. I hope you like cinnamon biscuits."
Evan flashed his friend a glance. Barty's cheeks were slightly red.
"Mom!" he complained, wanting to add something, but Evan beat him to it. "Thank you. I would love to have some," he said, which made the woman smile brightly. Barty had her smile.

With a serving with the biscuits in his hands, Barty pushed him out of the kitchen, upstairs into his room. Also a first time since they never were in each other's home. Evan took the time to wander around, to look at everything. There were a lot of black-colored things, some posters of his favorite singers, and motorcycles...
"So your mom knew I would come over?" he teased Barty while searching through his little book collection.
"Yeah, I asked her if you're allowed to come."

Evan turned to him, finding Barty closer than he expected him to be. Barty searched his face.
"I told her about yesterday. She thought it might help to have just time together," he admitted next, which was more, than Evan thought, there was behind. Embarrassment settled in. What did she think about him? This might not be a good first impression.
"Also, she always wanted to have you visit me," he added, as if he knew Evan's mind started spiraling as soon as he heard his words before. Though Barty's eyes on him didn't help at all. His world felt like spinning. Not sure if he should trust his legs, he leaned against the desk. The other boy looked at him in a way that made him weak to the core. The look in his blue eyes was so honest, he never saw it before. His brows knitted. It made him so attractive, Evan thought he might not be able to breathe anymore. The want to kiss him hit him hard and left him desperate.
It was so infuriating that he would never get the chance to do this, kissing him hard and stealing his breath, to crawl into him every time their lips would meet. He would try his best to drive him crazy. His heart broke with a silent ache for more.

"You were angry. Do you want to talk about it?" Barty brought him back and Evan shook his head. Right now, Barty was able to read his silent signs, or he hoped so. His friend was able to be the most clueless person on earth without trying to.

"Okay. But are you angry with me?" He asked, sounding unsure about every word leaving his lips. Evan thought about it. Yes, in some way he was angry (at Barty?). Perhaps he was more angry at himself for liking Barty. Because if he knew one thing, it was the fact that feelings can't be forced. If Barty liked girls and not boys, there was nothing he could do about it. In the other way around, Evan can't change his feelings towards boys, toward Barty.
"I was just annoyed, I guess. Not your fault," he shrugged and proceeded to sit on Barty's bed. Barty followed him, letting himself fall next to him. Evan looked at him. He wasn't truly able to take his eyes off him, always drawn to him.
"So.. we're fine?" he assured himself for a second time.
"Yeah, we are," and Barty laughed relieved. "I'm glad," he whispered. Softly, his hand tugged at Evan's sweater to invite him to also lay down, and as he lay, Barty hugged him from aside. Which felt weird for him at first since the other boy used him like a life sized stuffed animal. To make it more comfortable, he slightly turned his back to Barty to be the little spoon. Breathers hit his neck. Goosebumps traveled down his spine. This moment felt so different, intimate in some way. Probably because they never hugged this way, although Barty liked physical touch. Maybe because it was his first time seeing his crush's room as well. Their feet were tangled in each other.

"Would you really kiss Dorcas?" The words left his lips before he was able to really overthink them. Barty laughed, which made Evan shiver.
"Hm, I mean if she would not be our friend... Maybe?" he responded. Evan frowned, glad that his back was turned to Barty.
"Why do you ask, though? Are you jealous?" Barty started to banter him. Anger woke in him, as well as nervousness. He pushed his friend away, sitting up to bend over him just to attack Barty's chest with his hands.
"Why should I? Are you dumb?" he sulked. But Barty seemed happy, his eyes shining while trying to stop Evans hands from punching him.
"Do you want a kiss? I would kiss you too, if you weren't a boy," he joked, except it was not really a joke, not for Evan.

He stopped immediately, frowning at him. "Stop talking nonsense," he said, turning away to check the time on the clock that stood on the desk. Almost late afternoon. Suddenly he wanted to go home.

"Evan?"

He turned to find the other also frowning at him, probably confused about Evans sudden mood swing. His eyes traveled to the clock, searching for the point where his friends eyes went astray. Only to come back again to take Evan in, searching again for answers. A great deal of questions lurked in the blue, getting darker in concern. Unable to move, Evan stared at him. In this moment he realized Barty caught him trying to slip away again. Since they were younger, Evan thought the other boy did not notice, and when he did, it was too late anyway. Every time he would have been gone already, hidden away or on his way home. Not a moment he thought this would happen. He never ever thought Barty would catch him in the moment it happened, when just the thought of slipping away crossed his mind. Probably was this something he learned recently, perhaps a while ago, without Evan noticing. It made him feel weird. He did never expect this to happen. Not even once he thought there would be a day when Barty would learn to read signs that were so silent that most people would miss them.

He couldn't bring himself to speak, just gaping at his friend like this was the first time they ever saw each other. Barty was tense and sat up thinking. His mind was visible working through his next steps. His eyes showed everything, but nothing at the same time. This was most likely their thing. Never certain about what the other felt or thought. Always a mystery.

“Please stay for a while. I don't want you go,” Barty pleaded, being genuine, all jokes from before beside. Evan pondered before nodding.