Pandora's Box

Pandora has a dream tonight. It’s different from the ones she’s used to, there’s nothing dark or foreboding about it. It’s warm and comfortable. 

It starts in a field of flowers, a rainbow of colors stretching as far as the eye can see. There’s a gentle breeze causing the delicate stems to sway in unison, creating a sea of color. The temperature is warm, but not hot. The sun is shining, but there are still clouds in the sky, they look white and puffy. 

Pandora’s favorite part is the smell. There’s the floral of blossoms, and the undertone of dirt, and grass, all mixing together in the breeze. Pandora wishes she could bottle the scent up and turn it into a perfume. 

It’s a beautiful place, she spends time slowly examining each flower, or running as fast as she can so the vibrant tones all blur into an abstract picture. She could paint it. 

While admiring a little daisy, Pandora feels a light touch on her back. She turns to see who it was, but no one is there. 

She pays this no mind, and continues examining the beauties of nature. But after a few moments it happens again, this time the touch is accompanied by a small puff of air grazing her face. She searches the landscape trying to find the culprit but Pandora is alone. 

As she finally forgets the strange contact, she’s touched again. This time it’s so gentle she could miss it. A warm hand brushes a strand of blond hair out of her face. 

Once again Pandora looks around trying to find this mystery force, but all she discovers is a hint of vanilla and sugar in the air. It pairs nicely with the flowers. 

There’s a faint rustling sound now, as it gets louder and louder, the colors fade, the scent is gone. 

Pandora opens her eyes to an exasperated Mellony searching through her bed sheets for a missing earring. 

As Pandora looks at the scars on her hand she misses the flower field. Life’s not felt that peaceful for a long time. In the absence of the fragrant colors Pandora feels the pressure of responsibility close in on her. She has to go to class.

The day is off to a dry start, Professor McGonogal assigns twelve inches on the transformative properties of a crow leaving Pandora to decide if it’s worth her time or not. 

She plans to half ass her way through the paper out of fear of detention. She needs this afternoon free to decide what she’s going to do about the Mirthroot. She desperately wants to sell it, but after what happened last night she cannot in good conscience share the root with any students. She needs to do more testing. Ideally she would give it to another human, Peter was fine. But who will be willing? 

This is what’s on Pandora’s mind as she’s called on by professor Lucky, a young woman with short blond hair.

“Pandora, would you care to share what topic of study you’ve selected from the reading?”

Pandora, who hasn’t heard anything said in the past ten minutes improvises saying the first thing that comes to mind. 

“Dream interpretation”

Lucky’s face lights up in excitement. 

“That’s a wonderful topic Pandora. It’s certainly difficult, but I'm sure you’ll do just fine.”

Pandora has always liked Lucky, she’s not as professional as the other teachers. She treats her students like adults. She respects them. Pandora has always felt safe around her. 

“And you Ziggy?”

“I want to study Astrology” 

“Alright”

After hearing from the rest of class Pandora realizes she might have made a mistake. She’s the only one whose chosen dream interpretation. It was silly. Deep down Pandora knows she doesn’t want to interpret her dreams. All the books say dreaming is a gift. Pandora’s never felt that way.  

“Please remember you’ll have three weeks to complete your independent study project. I’ll have you present these through either an essay, chart, or a creative endeavor. Your choice, but the finished project must clearly illustrate your understanding and research on your topic. Okay?”

Some of the class nods, but it’s clear that not everyone understands. 

‘Ms. what do you mean by creative endeavor?” Ziggy asks fiddling with his bag. 

“It could be whatever you want. A play, a song, a poem, anything that motivates you to create it.”

Pandora lets the project slip from her mind. That happens often, information leaves her. Sometimes it’s more than that. Hours and sometimes days of her life fade from her memory. It’s like they never happened. Pandora only remembers snippets from her fourth year. The Karthos beetle, a few interactions with her friends, Emmaline, Peter, a few dreams, but for the most part that year doesn’t exist to her. 

Sometimes she’s sad about it because she was living, she has been living, yet parts of her life have been taken from her. She wonders if they’ll ever come back.

    ***

The week following Pandora’s mirthroot incident is funny. She goes to class, and eats meals, she sees her friends, and even talks with Evan. It’s wonderful, everything is just as it should be, Pandora reads more poems, she studies with Peter. They've even developed a plan to complete their testing on the Mirthroot; she and Emmeline go for a walk. Everything feels perfect. She hasn’t had a dream since the one in the field full of flowers. 

Pandora’s relationship with her dreams is strained. She hates them, often waking up in a disoriented state, they’ve only caused her pain. Yet she is realizing that she isn’t herself without her dreams. Her mind feels different. It’s like a part of her missing. She’s reached by a strange emptiness. Her thoughts that often feel disconnected, aren’t felt at all. Instead of her mind being loud it is silent. Constantly silent. Even when the world around her is loud. It feels like everything is moving but Pandora. She’s stuck in a strange place, untouched by others. 

“Pandora what do you think?”

Evan is looking at her. His hair is messy after Barty attacked him over a stolen sweater earlier. 

“What?” 

“What do you think about the attack?”

Attack? 

“What attack?”

Everyone looks at her now. Pandora can feel herself shrinking into the chair. Ashamed for zoning out. 

“The attack on the muggle family. The one linked to the Dark Lord.”

“Oh” Is all Pandora says as her thoughts begin to drift. 

There’s been an attack. On muggles. The one responsible wants Evan. He’s going to take Evan. 

It now dawns on Pandora that Voldemort might not have been the one to complete the attack. 

“Who attacked them?”

“We just went over this, one of the Dark Lord’s goons massacred a family of four muggles in their sleep last night. He left a skull and serpent in the sky to mark his work.”

Evan is now looking at her with mild concern. 

“Where have you been for the past 15 minutes? It’s the only bloody thing we’ve been talking about.” Barty blurts out, resulting in a shove from Evan. 

“It’s been ten at most, and she’s probably just been thinking about school.” Dorcas chimes in. 

It’s a kind gesture, but everyone is still watching her. It makes her skin itch.

“Sorry I was just…distracted” 

Evan touches her shoulder gently. Holding eye contact.

“I’m here Panda, that’s never going to change. If you ever need to talk about anything, I am here.” 

Pandora's heart warms. Her brother is here. He’s talking to her again. It feels nice, too nice. It doesn’t last. Pandora’s brain decides to make an appearance. 

Voldermort will have Evan. He’ll become a pawn of politics, he’ll be viewed as a weapon, a body. Never a person, never a brother. He might have to kill people, children, and families. This leads to Pandora’s next question.

“Did they ever find the man who killed them?”

It’s Regulus who answers this time. He’s looking especially pale today. 

“Yeah, the aurora’s killed him.”

Her heart drops. Mind spinning, vague images of Evan looking terrified of his arm circulating through her memory. 

He lied. Her brother lied. “I’m here Panda, that’s never going to change.” He’s a fool. Pandora won’t stand for it. He said if they didn’t take him, they would take her. And right now she wishes more than anything that they would take her.

Evan knows. He’s looking at her. And for the first time in years they are able to communicate without words. 

Pandora begs him to change his mind, and Evan shakes his head in refusal. 

***

The news of the attack spreads through Hogwarts like wildfire. No one will shut up about the big snake in the sky. 

“My parents say a war is coming.”

“My gran lives in the town of the attack.”

“Heard the Dark Lord is recruiting.”

“Do you think there will be more attacks?”

Pandora thinks about the muggle family a lot. She’s read all about them in the daily prophet. The Mothers name was Barbara, she was a school teacher. The father, Thomas, was a nurse. They had two daughters, one was 11. Elorey was her name, she was on the gymnastics team. Her sister Anna was 9. 

Guilt consumes Pandora. For some reason she feels responsible for their deaths. She saw an image of them on holiday together in the paper. Their smiles haunt her. 

Pandora thinks back to the foreboding moment in the library with Regulus. It felt like a warning, and this is the result. A whole family is gone. They are dead and Pandora had a warning. She doesn’t know how to live with herself. It’s been a week since the attack..

She’s been avoiding everyone. She can’t stand being around people. They look at her and talk to her like nothing has changed. But four people are dead. They look her in the face without an ounce of judgment. She can’t stand it. 

Everything feels tight. Nothing is right. 

Yesterday Evan stopped her in the corridor. He looked at her, and she couldn’t stand it. He looked at her like loved her. Like she couldn't have stopped a family from dying. 

She skipped class after that.

She went to her dorm and cried, there were no gentle tears. Only the hot violent type, she tried to wipe them from her face. They kept falling. She looked at the image of the family then cried some more. At some point she screamed. The tears kept falling. 

Everytime she closed her eyes her brain was harassed by four smiles. 

The worst part is Pandora knows the attack wasn’t her fault. She didn’t cast the spell, she didn’t foresee the bloodshed. 

It isn’t her fault, yet she is guilty. She knew something was coming, and she hates herself for it. 

After thirty minutes the crying hasn’t faltered. Pandora is beginning to feel lightheaded. Everything is wrong. 

Her mind is clouded as she retrieves her potion supplies from her bag. She isn’t herself when the shiny metal of the knife glints in the light. 

Her mind was so loud, she needed it to be quiet for just a moment. The guilt was so bad she was sure the insides were turning to mush. Her organs were going to shut down if she didn’t control her emotions. 

It felt nice in her hand, a gentle weight, the blade looked pretty. It was smooth, flat, and sharp. She knew the knife was high quality because her mother paid an unreasonable amount for it, she thought it was a waste of money, but the moment the metal met her skin she decided it was worth it. 

The blade slid so beautifully across her wrist, leaving a stinging trail behind it. It hurt so bad, and after a moment crimson pearls began to form along the cut. 

For a moment Pandora could breathe. For a moment all the pain was real, she could feel it, see it. But the pain she found was temporary. The sting began to fade, the blood dried. And Pandora’s mind was loud again. 

She added a second cut a little further up her wrist. She was more brave this time applying more pressure. The sting was welcome. Pandora couldn’t help but think it was beautiful as a drop of deep red liquid slid down skin before dropping to the floor. 

Then she added a third cut, and a fourth. For people, four cuts. 

Finally all the guilt, and shame was tangible. Finally her pain was real. 

The cuts are still there today. She did not attempt to heal them with magic. She wants it to take time, she wants them to scar. At least then she won’t forget. 

***

October 29, 1975 

Lily

Lily is the first one to read about the attack, though her friends quickly pick up on her alarm. They are all worried, but no one is as afraid as Lily. It happened twenty miles from Cokeworth. She leaves the great hall with haste rushing to the owlery so she can write home. 

The logical thing to do would be writing to her mum first. She is the only one who would be at home. She could tell Lily if dad and Petunia are okay. Lily doesn’t write to her mum, her feverish scribbling is addressed to Petunia. 

It doesn’t matter that the last conversation they had was a fight. It doesn't matter if they’ve been avoiding each other for years. A family has been killed, and Lily needs to hear from her big sister. She needs her to be okay.

It’s frustrating because she doesn’t want to rely on Petunia so much, she doesn’t want to miss her. Her sister has been horrible to her since she left for Hogwarts, yet Lily can’t find within herself to be angry. She isn’t capable of holding a grudge about this. She just wants her sister back. And now a family is dead. Four people are gone, and she needs her sister. 

***

Lily is more affected by the attack than her friends. She watched as Remus turned angry, and Mary weeped. Marlene and Sirius plotted revenge while James comforted Mary. Everything seems okay, it’s been a week, they’ve moved on. 

Not Lily, she looked at the picture of family in the daily prophet and saw herself, her family, her sister. 

She is a muggle born, it’s never bothered her, muggles are no different than wizards, in some ways they are better. Without magic they’ve been able to use their minds to the fullest extent. She’s never told anyone this but, Lily believes muggle are more intelligent than wizards. They innovate despite the world's limitations. Wizards just find ways around them. 

There is a strange relationship between muggles and wizards because muggles don’t know wizards exist. Yet wizards think they know everything about muggles. The world would be a better place if they could just communicate and understand each other. Though life will never exist that way. 

Lily is insulted more often since the attack. Mostly Slytherins, they love to call her dirty names as she walks past. 

Her friends always try to get back at the ones who insult her. She loves them for it, but deep down Lily is unbothered by the nasty comments. It’s not her problem if some thinks their blood is more pure than hers. If anything it just makes them look stupid. 

They spend so much time hating others for something they can’t change than reflecting on themselves. That is a sign of true ignorance. So Lily ignores them, the insults leaving her unaffected.

Lily wrote to her family after the attack. She sent a letter to Petunia first, though her reply came last, it was a short scribble. I'm okay. That’s all Lily got from her sister.

It hurt. Everytime Lily looked at the picture she imagined her family succumbing to the same fate. 

The night of the attack she prayed for the first time in years. Lily has always had a complicated relationship with religion. 

Her family has been bringing her to church since she was small, but she never really believed in god, she wanted to. She wanted to be like Petunia, she wanted to feel like someone was looking out for her. 

When she started at Hogwarts Lily stopped identifying with her religion. She no longer believes there is a man in the sky looking out for her. If there really was god then why do people suffer, why do people live in poverty?  

The night of the attack she prayed. She prayed to anything that would listen to protect her family, her sister. 

She thought about praying for her sister to love her again, but that felt selfish. That is a problem for Lily to work out. So she just asked for some greater power to keep her people safe.

Today she writes another letter.

Dear Petunia. 

I hear you are doing well in school. That’s good, I know you’ve joined the tennis club. That’s exciting, I wish you would’ve told me. I feel like I don’t know you anymore, I learn every detail of your life through mum. I miss knowing you. 

I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you about Severus. You were right, we’re not friends anymore. You could always see what I cloud not. 

It would be nice to hear from you, it’s been awhile.

-Lily

She tracks up to the owlery to send it off. She isn’t fully happy with the letter. Her words fail her everytime she tries to write to Petunia. She leaves so much unsaid. Telling herself it’s better this way. 

It’s a defense mechanism, each word she doesn’t share protects her from a little hurt. Though she was brave today. Admitting that Pertunia was right about Severus was hard. It was hard because she could have listened to her, she could have just let Petunia be right years ago and avoided the pain of being friends with Severus. 

Her older sister is wise, though Lily is can’t tell her that.

***

Sun shines through the windows of the owlery as Lily selects a large snowy owl to carry her parcel. It’s always been her favorite. It’s very quiet considering its size, and the bird has taken a liking to Lily nudging her hand with its head before every journey asking to be pet. She obliges running her fingers gently along the soft white feathers. The owl has large yellow eyes that start to droop the more Lily strokes it, after a few moments the bird falls asleep. It looks much too peaceful to disturb so she retreats quietly looking for a different messenger.

When she turns Lily finds that she is not alone. There’s a girl standing in the doorway, a letter clutched in her fingers. 

She stills as Lily looks at her. The sun illuminates her wispy blond hair, it looks like she is glowing. Lily notices the way her Ravenclaw tie sits loosely around her neck, the top button of her shirt undone revealing a collection of silver necklaces, one has a leaf on it. 

The girl is wearing a silver bracelet that twinkles in the light, Lily doesn't have a chance to look at it because the girl pulls her sleeve down making sure it covers as much skin as possible. 

Lily has never really examined her face before. She wishes she had. 

Pandora’s features are soft, each one complementing the other. She has a striking resemblance to ancient Greek sculptures. The only difference is her eyes. They are not stony or cold. Pandora’s eyes are full of life, they are a gorgeous shade of blue, it reminds Lily of waterfalls and clouds in the sky. 

She only realizes she’s staring when there is soft thud as Pandora’s letter falls from her fingers. 

***

Pandora

Everything goes still. It feels as if the world has stopped spinning, or maybe Pandora is not on the planet anymore. Her mind is silent, Lily is looking at, she is looking at Pandora her hair is red, her face is covered in freckles, but most importantly her eyes are green.

The green. After months of searching it’s right here, the exact color she saw in the Karthos Beetle's eyes, the color that changed her life. It’s right in front of her.

As Pandora looks into Lily’s green eyes, she feels whole. In all of space and time Pandora exists here and now. And inexplicably Lily does too. 

Pandora’s body doesn’t feel too tight, her mind isn’t too loud. Everything is just right.