Brick by Boring Brick
By the time Pandora makes it back to her dorm it’s nearly 4:30 in the morning. All her roommates are asleep, and the quiet sound of breath fills the room. Pandora finds it comforting.
As she sleeps her dreams are obscure which isn’t unusual. But these dreams are all centered around the color green. In one Pandora is an ancient traveler who spends her life searching for a specific shade of green, but once she finds it she dies. And then it repeats itself over and over again. She finds the color then mysteriously dies.
After about 20 deaths, the dream changes. Now there is no color, only feeling. Pandora feels warm air blowing across her skin, then suddenly she is in cold water, and the next second she warms again, but it’s different this time the warmth is coming from something, or someone, but just as Pandora gets comfortable, she feels her body jolt. Then the dream ends.
***
It’s late when Pandora gets out of bed. And she is overcome with the itch to be outside. It’s Saturday which means many of her friends are at Quidditch practice, so she decides to visit the lake.
When Pandora leaves the castle. It’s raining. She has always loved the rain.
The lake is beautiful today. The water makes little sounds as raindrops hit it and the air smells fresh.
She takes it all in, looking desperately around for any resemblance of her new favorite color. The grass is too vibrant. The washed up weeds on the water line are too brown. The trees are to monotone.
The green of beetle's eye had undertones. It shifted as you examined it. Just seeing the color felt like soaring over a forest, watching thousands of colors blur together. It was the sound of listening to bugs sing on a summers night. It reminds her of childhood.
She does not find it at the lake.
Grass squelches as someone approaches from behind her. It’s Emmaline.
The girl sits next to Pandora on the wet ground.
“You weren't in the dorm last night. Is everything okay?”
Pandora smiles to herself, thinking of the Kathros beetle.
“Everything is good.”
Emmaline gives her questioning look.
“Can I know what you were doing? Were you seeing someone?”
“I was doing research.”
“Research? For what?”
“For my study. And it’s not done yet, so I will not be taking questions at this time.” Pandora states.
It seems rude, but for the moment being she wants only her mind on the subject. The Katharos Beetle is special, and Pandora wants to unpack everything with herself before involving someone else. On a second note, if she was going to look for a research partner it wouldn't be Emmaline. She’s a great friend but she failed Care of Magical Creatures last year, and lacks a basic understanding of living creatures.
Emmaline’s expression softens. “Pandora, is this about your dreams? You woke up crying yesterday.”
“That was because my cactus died.”
“Yeah, two weeks ago.”
“I’m still mourning.”
“For the fifteenth time, I’m sorry! I thought I was being helpful by watering it. And I’ve learned my lesson now.”
Pandora doesn’t respond only huffs and looks away. She is a very forgiving person. But that cactus, Sarah was its name. Was a gift from Evan. He gave it to her the day they left for Hogwarts. Saying it can keep her company if they are sorted into different houses. She’s cherished it ever since. But Emmaline being the responsible roommate she is, watered it to much, and it died.
Silence sits between the friends for a while. It’s nice. Emmaline has always let Pandora be silent.
When Pandora doesn’t want to talk Emmaline will just sit with her. They can be quite together and it’s nice. And when Pandora does want to talk Emmaline is one of the only people who will tolerate her long rants about the universe. Or accept tea leaf readings.
Pandora was there when Emmaline’s parents got a divorce. She helped her duplicate all of her belongings so she could keep them at both homes over the summer. She held her when she cried and listened when she recalled all her favorite childhood memories with her parents.
Emmaline is the best friend one could ask for. And yet something is off. It feels like there has always been a wall, a boundary between them, that never lets them truly know each other. Pandora will never know who put it there or how to remove it. And maybe she doesn’t want to. Maybe she and Emmaline are supposed to be distant.
Distant. That’s how Pandora feels. She has many friends, but not a best friend. No one hates her, but no one loves her. She feels disconnected, like she doesn’t really exist. It feels like half of Pandora only lives in her dreams. It’s like her existence has been split between two realities. Sometimes Pandora feels more like a ghost than a human. Not living, but not dead.
Pandora has dreams every time she sleeps. Sometimes they’re bad. Sometimes she wakes up crying. When she was small Evan would comfort her after nightmares, he would rub her back and reassure her they are just dreams, “It’s not real Pandora. You’re okay. I’m here.”
Deep down Pandora knows they’re not just dreams. She’s never told anyone.
The night before Evan broke his wrist Pandora dreamed of him falling from a tree and getting hurt. She knew her grandfather was going to die before he did. She’s felt guilty about it since then. She was only eight at the time, but maybe she could have done something. Saved him. He hated her and Evan, but he was family. She should have tried to keep him alive.
These dreams have only gotten worse as she’s aged. Not all of them come true. But Pandora knows when they will. She can feel it.
She felt it last night. The strange feelings, they are going to happen.
***
It’s Sunday night and Pandora has managed to spend her whole weekend in the library without doing her homework. It was foolish, but she couldn’t surpress her curiosity about the Katharos Beetle. After countless hours all she has found is that ‘ Katharos Beetles can be traced back millions of years. They are one of the oldest living magical creatures.’ It’s a cool fact but doesn’t help Pandora much. And now she has two papers to write before tomorrow.
Most people think Ravenclaws are immune to procrastination, but Pandora is living proof they aren’t. It’s late by the time she finishes her 12 inches on Transfiguration of the human eye. And she still needs to finish her Herbology essay. She checks the clock. 11:37 P.M. and decides to go to bed. Some things should be prioritized over school. It’s not like she doesn’t understand the subject. She is simply choosing to put her energy elsewhere. Van Goah didn’t waste his time with math. He knew where his talents lied, and so does Pandora.
***
She gets detention. Which is fine, because she doesn’t mind cleaning the green houses. It’s peaceful.
She is thoroughly sweeping the dirt off the floor as Peter Pettirew steps into her view. She’s seen him around school, and with his friends. They're loud. That’s the extent of knowledge Pandora has about Peter. She expects him to ruin the peace of the green house, but surprisingly he doesn’t.
For thirty glorious minutes they work in silence. Peter knows his way around the plants. Pandora notices how gently he handles each leaf, as it will break. He seems happy. Part of Pandora wonders if he has detention too, or if he simply wants to be here. So she asks.
”Do you have detention?”
Peter pauses for a moment, as if surprised he’s being spoken to.
”Yeah, my friends roped me into a stupid prank.” Peter rubs his brow, leaving a smudge of dirt behind. “Don’t mind it though.”
”Mhh” Pandora hums in agreement.
“I’ve never seen you in dentition before. Why are you here?”
“I didn’t do my homework.”
”Oh. Do you-do you need help?” Peter looks shy, shuffling his feet back and forth.
”No thanks. I was just focused on other things. Sometimes homework feels so silly. Why spend so much time on an assignment, when you can learn so much more from a walk in the woods?”
Peter stares at Pandora for a moment like she is a rare species that might run away if he makes a wrong step. It’s quite unsettling.
”But aren’t you worried about your grades?”
”There are more important things than letters on a page.”
At this Peter starts working again, he’s watering and pruning the magical plants.
“I suppose there are.” He says clipping dead leaves from a shrub.
After that they fall into a conversation about bowtruckles. And it’s nice Pandora thinks. Perhaps she’ll ask Peter about Katharos beetles one day, in the far future.
***
Before the unlikely pair parts, Peter stops.
“If you uhm-you know-if you ever want a study partner, i’m here.” The boy looks nervous, he sinks into his brown sweater, like he’s trying to hide from a potential rejection. He retraces his steps. “If you study that is. And if you don’t that's okay too, I just thought i’d put it ou-”
“Peter, I would love to study with you sometime. Actually if you could help me look into a certain plant that would be very helpful.”
Peter is smart especially when it comes to herbology, and Pandora has been working on a project that she could use some help with. The issue is it’s not exactly something she can go to a teacher about for fear of being expelled, and given his friends Peter seems like a trustable person to ask.
“Really?” Peter's face lights up as Pandora nods.
***
This is how Pandora ends up in the library with Peter a week later. Peter shows her his favorite table to study at. It’s a quiet corner with a window. He starts taking out book after book from his bag. Honestly it’s amazing he can keep that much in such a little bag.
They work on an astronomy project first. Then Peter asks for help with his transfiguration. And once both students have finished their homework Pandora sees her opportunity.
“Do you know much about Mirthroot?” She asks casually.
Peter raises his eyebrows. “Mirthroot, like the root that smells so strongly it gets you high?”
“That’s the one”
“Um, I mean I know a little about it, I guess. I’ve never tried it before, it’s dangerous. Even a little too much can lead to death.”
Pandora considers this. She knows of the dangers. She’s completed a very detailed safety plan over the summer. Insuring her customers a safe product above all else. All of her business plans are set, except for growing the damn plant. That’s why she’s getting help.
“And do you know how to grow it?”
Peter freezes, looking at her aghast.
“Surely you’re not trying to grow it? Mirthroot is dangerous Pandora. People have died!” He’s raising his voice now.
Fiddle sticks . This is not going as Pandora hoped it would. She needs to de-escalate the situation, and quickly because Peter is about to ruin hours and hours worth of planning.
Pandora cast a quick silencing spell, to avoid being overheard.
“Yes, I want to grow it okay.”
“Is that why you wanted to study with me?! So you can get high off of restricted pla-”
“Peter, I need you to calm down and listen. Please.” Pandora states firmly.
Peter lets out a stubborn sigh but stops arguing.
“I’ve been writing a book. Over the past few years I've been doing research. And I want to publish my work one day. But it’s expensive, and parents would never let me do this if they knew. So I need to maintain anonymity when I publish it. Anyway, that’s besides the point. What I'm trying to say is, I need money.”
Pandora is ranting. She needs to get her thoughts together or Peter will report her.
“Over the summer, I learned about Mirthroot, and the therapeutic effects it has. I have a whole business plan, I have everything but a way to grow it.”
By the look on Peter's face Pandora can tell she’s losing him. No, no , no. She has to get him back.
“I have a whole safety protocol. I bought some Mirthroot from Knockturn alley and I learned how to dilute it. I did a study with worms, and myself to make sure it was safe. I documented it all. I can show you. Just please don’t tell anyone Peter.”
His expression wavers and she can tell he’s considering it. He just needs a little push.
“I trust you Peter, that’s why I came to you for help and not-” Regulus. Evan. “- I came to you”
She sees it in the softening of his eyes. He’s in.
And just like that Pandora has a business partner. Maybe it's not who she really wants it to be. But this is for the best. Regulus can’t risk dirtying his reputation. She doesn’t blame him, the Blacks are cruel to their children, she wouldn’t put Regulus at risk for money.
And Evan, she just can’t involve him. Since they started at Hogwarts their relationship has been different. He would never say it out loud but Pandora knows Evan thinks she’s strange now. Which hurts. It hurts because they used to be friends. She used to tell him everything, and he used to listen.
It hurts to see him with his friends. After each interaction with the group she is left with a deep longing. For what? She’s not sure. Evan, childhood, family?
She’s relieved Evan has found his people. He looks happy, healthy. But selfishly she is sad. She misses him.
He never told her about it, but in their first few months at Hogwarts, she could tell he was struggling. She was worried. He stopped eating for a while, got skinny. He told her he was okay, but she knew he wasn’t. Something was wrong, and she never figured out what. But Regulus did.
He would walk him to classes, and sit with him at meals. Pandora’s seen them hug a few times, which is extremely out of character for Regulus, but Evan loves hugs.
Regulus saved Evan, and for that Pandora is eternally grateful. But it hurts. She couldn’t help him, all she did was watch as he got worse. She felt helpless.
Pandora’s never been close with anyone like she was with Evan. He always knew Pandora better than she knew herself. Not anymore.
No one knows her now. Not really. Not even herself.