Echoes of the Heart

It's been a week since their year-end party, but Stacey is still thinking about Jhoanna's question; she can't get it out of her head. Even if Christmas had passed, all she thinks about is what she really feels whenever she's with Aiah. It did not help that they always spent Christmas together; it had been going on since they were kids, always staying up late on Christmas Eve and opening their gifts to each other together, so imagine Stacey’s struggles while keeping herself composed the whole Christmas, with Aiah beside her.

She questioned herself why it bothers her so much, it should be just a simple question, but the teasing tone of Jhoanna, her friends expectant eyes, and the way her heart beats a little faster at the mention of “baka naman nga para kayo sa isa’t isa.” It is all too much. 

But one thing she knows is that, whenever she's with Aiah, it feels like the absence of chaos. She may be in the midst of the chaos but it feels like it does not exist whenever she is with Aiah. 

Peace. The calm of all her storms. The light at the end of the tunnel. That is all Aiah for Stacey.

She thought about her first heartbreak and how Aiah made sure she never leaves Stacey's side.

Her first heartbreak was not about her first ex boyfriend, it was when her father died when she was 12 years old.

Stacey's first heartbreak.

The night was too calm for Stacey's liking, she is waiting for her Dad to arrive since he promised he will bought Stacey another carebear but it's getting late already and she cannot bother Aiah anymore since the girl is probably asleep, it's been hours since Aiah said her goodnight to Stacey so she is sure the girl is already asleep.

“Anak, go inside na and sleep. Your Dad will be here when you wake up.” Stacey's Mom said.

Stacey just shook her head, “I'll wait for Dad here, I haven't seen him in a week, Mom.”

Ivy just smiled at her daughter and nodded her head, her daughter will always be a Dad’s girl anyway.

After a while she heard her Mom’s phone ringing nonstop, so she shouted, “Mom may nag c-call sa phone mo!” 

Her Mom hurriedly went out of the kitchen and grabbed her phone. Stacey just looked at her Mom until her Mom’s face became pale, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

Stacey, curious, went to her mom, “what happened, Mom?.” Ivy did not answer her, she just hugged Stacey and started crying.

Stacey doesn't know what's happening but the Arceta's just come in, in a haste, her Tita Malou hugged her and her Mom.

After a while she saw Aiah walking in, with sad eyes.

She ran to Aiah and hugged her, “Ate Aiah I thought you were asleep na. Do you know what's happening? Why is Mom crying?” Sunod sunod na tanong ni Stacey pero hindi alam ni Aiah kung paano niya sasabihin sa kanyang kababata kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari.

...

Three days had passed and never once did she leave her Dad’s casket, except when she needed to take a shower, she cannot accept it, there is no way her dad's gone. 

“Aubrey, let's eat na? You haven't eaten anything yet, please eat something naman oh.” Aiah, with a tray on hand full of food, sat beside Stacey. 

“I'll eat later.” 

Aiah didn't give up until Stacey ate. She was just there, giving Stacey the comfort she needs, holding her hands whenever she sees Stacey looking at the casket, hugging her when she's crying—she was there and Stacey could not ask for more.

Everything about her Ate Aiah screams peace, and so she realized that when there's Aiah, there's peace in her.

Unbeknownst to her, Aiah will be the one to fill the hole her father left her.

A sudden notification bolts her out of her mind. She knows that notification sound, she only uses it for one person.

Aiah: Hey, princess! I just got back to our staycation.

I bought so many things for you hahaha, I can't stop myself eh.

They all remind me of you, so ayon, binili ko na. ^^

I miss you already, ang tagal naman ng new year so I can go back home to you na.

 

Stacey: I told you not to gastos masyado! Thank you though, pero you really need to tone down your gastos.

How's Japan so far? And I miss you too.

 

Aiah: It's beautiful here! Dapat sumama na lang talaga kayo sa amin ni Tita eh.

Know what, let's go here together kaya, let's go to that place where they sell matcha pasta!

I wish you were here :(

 

Stacey: Alam mo Arceta ang clingy mo hahaha.

One week ka lang diyan so you should enjoy it, don't think about me too much and enjoy!

 

After she sent her last reply to Aiah she smiled widely. She thought Aiah would be distant after that party they had, because she clearly noticed how awkward Aiah got after their friends teased them nonstop, but to her surprise Aiah got clingier. Stacey is well aware that she is the clingy one pero these days parang bumaliktad.

She ponders again, Aiah’s really the personification of comfort and peace and so she then again reminisces.

Stacey's second heartbreak.

Stacey is undoubtedly gorgeous; that is a fact everyone knows. Ever since she entered high school, everyone was smitten by her. A lot of guys already tried to court her, but none of them got her attention until one day, 9th grade, this guy named Vince suddenly appeared with the book she wanted in front of her, confessing his feelings to Stacey. 

Vince was sweet, a gentleman, and funny at best; he took care of Stacey and treated her well. The courtship lasted for three months, and then they became official; everyone at their school adored their relationship, some envious, some just happy to get a daily dose of their relationship.

Everything about their relationship was almost perfect; Vince’s parents were very accommodating, and they love Stacey so dearly. A whirlwind of teenage love, doing assignments together, eating out after class, biking on the weekends, the occasional cafe visit, and, of course, walking hand in hand while they tell each other stories, they did everything couples do; it was magical for Stacey, but after six months of their relationship, Vince suddenly disappeared; no one knows where he went; Stacey cannot even contact Vince’s parents; it's like they just suddenly disappeared into thin air.

She was broken. How could someone make her feel so special and then disappear? How can Vince do this to her? She was a good girlfriend; she never once made Vince feel that he was unloved, so why did he just vanish? Stacey kept on questioning everything to the point that she even questioned her worth.

“Aiah, am I not worthy to be loved? Why did he leave me?” It’s been a month since Vince’s disappearance, and this is one of the many times in that month that Stacey cried in Aiah’s presence; the girl always made sure she was there for Stacey. “No, love, you are more than worth it. It is his loss, not yours,” Aiah answered. 

“Just cry, love, I’ll be here; let it all out,” Aiah gently said and gently rubbed Stacey’s back. Even if Aiah had so much to do, who cares about it? Stacey comes first; she won’t leave Stacey while the girl is breaking down, that is a promise she kept up to this day.

The remnants of the new year celebration are still in the air; people are hopeful that 2025 will be more tolerable and great. Well, taon taon naman ganiyan ang mga hiling ng tao, and for Stacey, it means another year to climb all the mountains that she will face; whether it will leave her restless or marred, she doesn't care, because she knows once she reaches the top, there is success, and it will be satisfying no matter what.

It is already January 4, and it means Stacey’s monthly hangout with Jhoanna and Mikha; they usually plan their hangouts every 4th of the month, but if their schedules do not match, they will reschedule it at a later date when their schedules align.

They were at a cafe called Coffee Spot, one of their favorite cafes in town, just catching up and telling jokes with a little silly fight between Stacey and Jhoanna, and Mikha as their mediator. Stacey needed this, to get her mind off of things, well, mostly to get her mind off of constantly thinking about Aiah and how just thinking about her childhood best friend makes her heart beat faster than its normal rate. She should blame Jhoanna, really, maybe slap her or pull her hair, but well, she realized that it is not Jhoanna’s fault anymore that she kept thinking about the possibility of her and Aiah being in a relationship.

They were playing Monopoly, one of the board games that the cafe provided for their customers, when Mikha spoke, “Oh, nga pala Stacks, I bumped into Jai kahapon. I forgot to tell you. He said hi, and he wished you could hang out some other time.”

Jhoanna, as oa as she can be, gasped, “Jai? As in Jairus, your gay ex?” at tinutop pa nito ang kanyang bibig. “Ang OA, Jho.” Mikha laughed.

“Why do you have to emphasize that he’s gay?” Stacey rolled her eyes. “Thank you for informing me, Mikhs. Hindi ko pala siya na-reply-an last year.”

“Grabe, walang puso,” Mikha teasingly said, and Stacey just chuckled.

Jhoanna being the nosy one, “Wait, may communication pa kayo? Grabe, parang siya lang ‘yung ex mo na may communication ka pa ah.”

“For the record, Jho, last year in November lang kami nagkameron ng communication, and I don’t have anything against him naman. And please, parang ang dami kong ex ha, I only had three boyfriends, baliw!” She then tosses a crumpled tissue in Jhoanna’s direction.

Jhoanna giggled, “Ang funny lang kasi, naalala ko how you cried to us noong nag come out siya?! ”

Stacey’s third heartbreak (Senior High Year)

After Vince, she did not entertain anyone until she graduated senior high; her focus was to just graduate with high honors, and so she buried herself into studying. 

Senior high came, and it is much more demanding than junior high. She joined some clubs like the dance company and their school’s publication team, influenced by Jhoanna, of course. Everything is fine on her end; she’s happy, and Aiah always visits her every lunchtime, so she’s not looking for anything anymore, but Jairus came into the picture.

Jairus is a ball of sunshine; everyone knows him as the kwela guy, good-looking, amoy baby powder, and, most of all, very smart. 

He started making efforts to get Stacey’s attention, giving her letters and roses, even though roses are not Stacey’s favorite flower; she was smitten by Jairus’ efforts, and so she gave him a chance.

When they became official, her friends were very much happy for her. She loves that Jairus is also close with her whole circle, especially with Aiah; it is important for her that her best friend and boyfriend get along well. 

Weeks turned into months, and the more Stacey spent time with Jairus, the more she admired the guy. He was very sweet. Alam kung ano ang makakapagpasaya kay Stacey, sinasakyan ang trip niya, and most especially he always made sure that Stacey had someone with her when she was shopping for clothes, even on her pamper day; Jairus would be there to accompany her. Being in a relationship with Jairus is like a breath of fresh air for Stacey; she does not have to hide her kakikayan unlike when she was with Vince. Jairus always makes sure that he compliments and assures her that it is okay to wear anything as long as Stacey is comfortable; Stacey cannot ask for more. 

One day as Stacey was walking around the mall, she saw Jairus with a guy, so she followed them until they reached the parking lot. She was about to call her boyfriend when she heard the guy talking. “Come on, Jai, when will you accept the fact that what we had is real, break up with your girlfriend, and let’s make it official.” the guy said, almost pleading, and so Stacey hid behind a pillar near her.

“I can’t break up with her. Hindi ko kaya, ayaw ko siyang masaktan.” Jairus said while shaking his h ead.

The guy yanked Jairus’ arms, “Ako ba hindi nasasaktan? Jai, please naman oh, okay lang naman sa akin kung hindi mo pa kayang mag come out, but please naman choose me this time.” To say Stacey was stunned is an understatement; she cannot mo ve. Is everything she’s hearing even real? Hindi na niya alam, basta ang alam niya kailangan niya ng umalis sa lugar na ‘yun.

Stacey finally found the courage to walk out, pero kung minamalas nga naman, she dropped the paper bags of the clothes and make-ups she bought, eliciting sound just enough for Jairus and the guy he was with to hear. Stacey hurriedly picks up the paper bags, but before she picks up the last one, Jairus is the one who picks it up and holds her wrist gently. “Stacks, let me explain.” Jairus sounds dejected.

“Let me go,” Stacey said icily. 

Jairus pleaded, "Just let me explain, Stacey, please, let's talk."

Stacey faced Jairus. “Okay, if you want, explain yourself.” 

Jairus explained how before she met Stacey, he met the guy named Josh. Jairus was still not sure about her sexuality at that time; he simply put it as a phase, but when he met Josh again, he questioned his identity more. He still could not accept the fact that he swung that way, so he tried dating Stacey, and he succeeded. However, Josh is still on it, reaching out to Jairus every chance he gets, until this day comes.

With gritted teeth, Stacey spoke, “You fucking used me, Jairus.” She pushed Jairus, and one tear slipped until her tears were unstoppable. “Did you even truly love me? All of your actions? Is it just all an act? I can't believe this!” She continued.

“No, no, Stace, hindi. I care for you—all of my actions are genuine. I'm sorry… I… I don't mean to hurt you, Stace. This… whatever I'm feeling… I just can't ignore it. I—I need to be true to myself,” Jairus said, a little sporadic, trying to find the right words to say.

“Fuck your reasons, sana una pa lang nagpakatotoo ka na sa sarili mo, hindi ‘yung ginamit mo pa ako!” Stacey shook her head. “This is done. I'm breaking up with you. Go accept yourself and never use someone again.” And Stacey walked out.

~~~

Stacey went straight to Aiah’s house; she needs her best friend; only her best friend could take away this pain that she is feeling right now. 

As she entered the Arceta's house, she was greeted with Sheena’s booming voice, Maloi’s laugh, Jhoanna’s annoying high speech, Mikha’s cursing, and Gwen’s quiet laugh. Her friends looked at her when they realized that Stacey had arrived, curious as to why Stacey’s eyes looked puffy. “Bakit ganyan mata mo?” Maloi was the one to ask.

Stacey didn't answer; however, she asked, “Where's Aiah? ” The four look at each other, and Jhoanna answers her, “Nasa kitchen si Ate Aiah.” So she went straight to the kitchen.

When she arrived, she slowly walked towards Aiah, probably cooking some finger foods for their friends. When she reached Aiah, she slowly wrapped her arms around Aiah’s waist and buried her face in Aiah's shoulder.

“Aubrey…” Aiah acknowledged her, but when she noticed that there was something wrong, she turned off the stove and slowly faced Stacey, with Stacey's arms still on her waist. “What's wrong, princess?” She gently cupped Stacey's cheeks so she could look right into Stacey's eyes.

Feeling the weight of what just happened, Stacey finally burst into tears without suppressing all the emotions and feelings she is experiencing right now. Right then and there, she melted into Aiah’s embrace. 

She let herself be vulnerable because she knows, with Aiah, she is safe—no judgment, just pure understanding and peace. 

After a good 10 minutes of her just crying inside Aiah’s embrace, their friends enter the kitchen; they didn’t say anything yet; they just let Stacey be. 

Stacey told her friends what happened; they were all just listening, empathizing with her, while Aiah just held Stacey’s hand all throughout the whole time she was telling the story and breaking down. “Kaya pala he loves it when he picks the clothes for me; ginawa niya akong barbie doll cause he can’t play with it inside their house.” Stacey joked to lighten up the mood and to not worry her friends too much; she’s just thankful they are here for her, and Aiah, oh, she will never shut up about how once she was engulfed by Aiah’s embrace, everything feels just fine; it's like she’s inside a beautiful forest—peaceful.

“Well, just like what I said, I have nothing against him; I’m happy for him, really.” Stacey smiled, because it’s true, after the breakup she just accepts the fact that Jairus is not straight and she accepts him for that, at isa pa maalaga talaga si Jairus and she feels like they really had a connection, ayon nga lamang magkaibang pahina ng libro pala ang ginampanan nila.

Jhoanna nods, “Okay, fair enough. Anyway, how’s your heart?” Then she sips her Spanish latte.

“At peace, Jhoanna. Ang nosy mo today ha.” Stacey accusingly looks at Jhoanna.

“Grabe sa nosy, hindi ba pwedeng kinumusta lang talaga kita kasi I’m concerned? ”

Mikha chuckled and added, “Well, maybe Jho just wants to know how you feel now; it’s been almost 5 months, and we never saw you date again, you know, after what happened last year.”

“I just realized I don't need a man. If hindi ghoster, cheater naman, no thanks, I’m content with what I have right now.” Stacey said as she played with the straw of her matcha latte.

Mikha and Jhoanna nodded. “Hindi mo naman nga need ng lalaki, pero si Ate Aiah, siya lang kailangan mo.” Jhoanna teases. 

Stacey’s fourth and last heartbreak (college)

Stacey’s third boyfriend is a varsity player, a son of a mayor, and well, very good-looking, masculine and let’s say he’s hot, and the bad news? Aiah doesn't like him for Stacey, that is very much obvious, but Stacey doesn't have to know, only their friends know how much Aiah dislikes Arvin. If Stacey is happy, then Aiah is happy.

Arvin actually treats Stacey well; whenever Stacey attends his basketball practices and actual games, he always checks on Stacey. Everyone on their team knows about Stacey; he is very much proud of their relationship; he flaunts Stacey to everyone, brings her to expensive restaurants, and his family loves her; they always invite Stacey whenever there’s a family gathering. Their relationship started when Stacey was in her 2nd year in college; it lasted for a year, the longest relationship Stacey had among her exes.

Why did they break up? Oh well, the ‘oh so good Arvin,’ as Aiah describes him whenever Stacey talks about that man, cheated on Stacey. The reason why he cheated? He needs a more intimate relationship, or rather, someone who could satisfy his desires, and as per him, Stacey couldn’t even give that to him when Stacey confronted him; he even highlighted the part that he can’t even kiss Stacey on the lips, the audacity, really. For the record, they already discussed that early on in their relationship, but, well, Arvin must be so drunk from his own desires that he forgot he said he respects Stacey and he’s willing to wait. 

Stacey was devastated, and Aiah already murdered the guy inside her head. Two weeks of straight inuman with their friends at Stacey’s house is not enough; she needed loud music, a crowded place, and the hardest liquor she could drink, and so she invited her friends to go to a club. As supportive as her friends can be, they let Stacey drag them to the club.

It's past midnight, and Aiah found herself and Colet tending to their friends because apparently the rest of the girls were already drunk, Sheena and Jhoanna were already passed out, and the initial plan to let Stacey be for the night and just look out for her didn't happen because hindi lang pala si Stacey ang kailangan nilang bantayan, dahil pati ang lima nagpakalasing din. 

When Aiah finally reached Stacey’s room while piggybacking Stacey, she opened the pink door and slowly walked towards Stacey's bed, careful not to drop Stacey, but before she could reach the bed, Stacey suddenly came down, sluggishly standing, then looked at Aiah’s eyes. “Take away the pain, Ai.” She pleaded and hugged Aiah.

“Cry it all out, love, I’m just here.” So Stacey did, she cried her heart out, but after a while she stopped, looked right into Aiah’s eyes, and asked Aiah something that made Aiah stunned. “Can I kiss you, A?”

“You’re drunk, Stacey,” Aiah said and tried to pull away from Stacey, but Stacey is literally cuddling her.

“Hulas na ako, Aiah. I know what I’m asking from you. Please, I need to feel something; I need to feel your lips.” Aiah is now short-circuiting, her inhibitions leaving her body.

“No, Stacey, may alak sa sistema natin, you’ll regret this in the morning.” But Stacey didn’t listen and leaned in, capturing Aiah’s lips. Stacey feels like she’s on cloud nine when her lips touch Aiah’s; she never thought kissing someone would feel like this. She wants more; she needs to feel Aiah’s lips more. While Aiah, she’s drowning; she tries to swim to reach the surface, but to no avail. She’s free-falling, and there and then, the both of them just have their first ever kiss in their entire lives.

After that night, Aiah thought Stacey forgot the kiss because they never talked about it, and well, Stacey is still clingy as ever, and so Aiah just shrugged it off and pretended that night did not happen, but oh, she’s wrong; Stacey clearly remembers that night, specifically the kiss they shared. 

Jhoanna’s never-ending teasing is already getting on Stacey’s nerves, and so she spoke, “Jho, isa pa, sasabunutan na kita.”

“Bakit? Am I wrong? Cute niyo kaya ni Ate Aiah, hindi mga tao, hindi rin mga hayop, pero bagay, yes, bagay na bagay!” Jhoanna dramatically sings the words.

Mikha barely contained her laughter; she knows Stacey is already pissed off, so she’s trying not to laugh at Jhoanna’s dramatics. 

Pulling Jhoanna’s hair slightly, Stacey gritted and said, “Tigilan mo na, Jho ha. Stop putting ideas in my head; I am not delusional like you.”

Jhoanna stands up from her seat and puts a little distance between herself and Stacey. “What exactly ba ang nilalagay ko dyan sa isipan mo, Stacks? I am not being delusional, you know. Alam mo sa sarili mo na may something, you’re just scared to admit it.”

No, Stacey wasn’t scared to admit it, and yes, she pretty much knows what Jhoanna was talking about. She has come to realize that her friendship with Aiah is not as platonic as it should be; there are too many hints, and she is not dense; alam niya at ramdam niya si Aiah. Why would she be scared? She knows damn well that with Aiah she’s safe, and oh, let Stacey remind everyone how beautiful Aiah is.

Aiah exudes beauty both internally and externally. 

Everyone knows that the kindness Aiah gave to anyone is something that people radiate towards her, her genuineness? It is something that should be studied, because how can someone be that kind? It is infuriatingly frustrating for Stacey because everyone thinks Aiah likes them; can’t just a girl be nice without motives? Gosh, Aiah’s off the market!

Aiah is beautiful like the sun rising; Stacey pretty much associates Aiah with the sunrise, how the sun hits Aiah’s face at 7 am. Oh, Stacey will never get tired of witnessing that every morning; she will trade anything just to see Aiah first thing in the morning, every. fucking. day. Because there is no denying, Aiah is effortlessly beautiful, and for Stacey, Aiah’s much more beautiful under the light of the sunrise piercing through the curtain while Aiah’s asleep beside her, hugging her like a koala. 

So, why does Stacey always shut down the teases of her friends and the ideas they put inside her head? Simple, she wants Aiah to have the courage to tell her what Aiah really feels; she needs to hear it straight from her, not the teasing from their friends or whoever the fuck they are; she just needs Aiah to come and claim her, because really, she would give herself to Aiah in a matter of milliseconds. 

It doesn't matter how long Aiah will take to actually confess to her, because even if time stands still, she will wait for Aiah.