Party pt. 1
It was Saturday, and Remus was ready to rip James’ head off. They all were.
He remained oblivious to it though, as usual. One of these days, he was going to encounter something he couldn't be oblivious about, and Remus would laugh his head off, but for now, he had to tolerate this. “She was so hot, guys. I mean, did you see the way she told Snivellus off?”
“Yeah, mate, we know,” said Peter for the third time that afternoon, struggling not to roll his eyes.
It was all he’d been able to talk about ever since it had happened. The fight with Snape, the spell he had used, and, over and over again, this. That she’d defended them, but mostly him.
“Prongs, I’m telling you this because I love you.” Sirius sighed as he distractedly paced around the room, shirtless. Remus made a point to not look at him, instead rubbing his new scar. It was still pink, but it had healed up as nice as it could, thanks to Pomfrey’s ministrations. “If you talk about Lily again before the fucking party starts, I’m punching you.”
Remus couldn’t agree more. He’d rather talk about the party, honestly, even if he wasn’t most excited about it. Mostly because he didn’t want to watch as everyone was getting it on with some girl or other, while he just… watched from a distance.
Remus had been twelve when he realized he liked boys, and that already messed with most of the things he could and couldn’t do at parties. Then, he’d been thirteen when he’d realized he was asexual; it wasn’t that he didn’t find people to be beautiful, he did, they just… didn’t appeal sexually to him. The realization had come to him after one of his late-night talks with the Marauders, all the way back in third year, in which James had, once again, declared his undying love for Lily Evans, while Sirius had been making seriously gross suggestions about some girl or other, and suddenly the tone of the conversation shifted from the usual lighthearted crush talk into something more mature. He’d felt broken, then, seeing his friend’s desires and knowing he had none. It hadn’t been until this summer break, when he’d stumbled onto a muggle article, The Asexual Manifesto, and he’d immediately clicked with the definition. Only now was he coming to terms with that fact.
All in all, it meant that, while at parties, his only options were socializing, being a wingman for one of his friends, or dancing. He didn’t quite like any of them if he was honest, but he knew he’d manage. He always did.
“Let’s talk about the party instead,” Peter said, smile turning dreamy, and oh, Remus instantly knew he’d met someone.
“Who’s the girl?” He asked, teasing, and Peter smiled at him and zipped his lips.
“Hey! That’s not fair. You lot all know about me and Mary, and about James and Lily, so you don’t get to hide whoever it is you’re talking to. She needs to pass our test.” Sirius said in an offended tone, as he turned to his closet and started roaming in it to find a shirt.
Remus didn’t know if he was relieved or sad.
“If Remus can keep his secrets, then so can I,” Peter exclaimed, defiant.
He immediately tensed. “Oh, Merlin no. You’re not dragging me into this” he answered, perhaps a little too fast, going from lying down to sitting so fast that the room spun around him. He closed his eyes and grimaced before he could help it.
The room fell silent.
“Oh, fuck off,” he said when he opened his eyes again and found the other three boys looking at him intently.
“I don’t understand the problem you have with us caring-”
“Pads, we’re not having this conversation again” James cut him off, and Remus was glad. He’d started to feel his blood boiling and wanted to avoid going at the other boy again, because he’d done it in the infirmary not three days ago, and their almost-fight had been unsettling already. He didn't want to fight with Sirius, he never did, but his ability to get on Remus' nerves was unmatched. Out of his three best mates, he was definitely the one he fought with the most.
It didn't seem to matter what he wanted, though, because Sirius wasn’t letting it go. “No, Prongs, we are having this conversation again, because I don’t understand what his fucking problem is.” Sirius crossed his arms, still shirtless and now intent on Remus, and he cursed under his breath because he looked so beautiful, but he was also so, so infuriatingly stubborn.
“Is it not enough that I ask you to fucking stop it?” Remus asked, his voice low, eyes squarely on Sirius and oh, he wanted his words to cut deep. Wanted the other boy to feel even the smallest amount of what he felt for him back, even if it was hatred and not love. He was still pent up from the full moon, from the new scar that everyone was looking at, from the worried looks he’d received the night before during rounds, and he needed to let it loose, or he was going to lose it.
“Actually, it’s not, Remus. You can’t just expect us to do however you want just because you feel like it, or expect us to shove our concern down our throats because it makes you feel less.”
“What about how I feel, then, Sirius? Have you ever thought about how you make me feel like an invalid?” Remus spat the last word as he got up and walked over to Sirius, and he felt a small satisfaction in seeing the shorter boy blanch and grow speechless for once.
“Remus, you know that’s not what we want, right?” James asked after the silence had gone on for too long, his voice gentle from behind Remus.
He let his eyes wander from the grey ones looking at him and turned around to face James’ eager, brown ones instead. “Yes, I know,” he replied, much gentler now that the outburst had let some of the energy from within him out, “but it’s still how I feel” he finished and shrugged.
“Moons, I’m so sorry, I…” he turned to look at Sirius, his eyes full of regret now, and he just shook his head and forced a smile to his lips.
“It’s fine, Pads, don’t lose sleep over it,” he said and walked over to Sirius’ nightstand, where the records they’d rummaged through the night before for the party had been discarded. He took one and felt the cover with his fingers, taking a deep breath and forcing it out before talking again. “So, for the party. I’m feeling Bowie or The Beach Boys tonight, but what do you guys think is the better music option?”
Slowly, the tense atmosphere that had appeared dissipated, as Sirius and James shuffled closer to him to look the music over while Peter conveniently took the map and took off with it to Godric knew where.
Honestly, he was happy for him. The guy seemed genuinely happy for the new girl, whoever she was, and he wasn’t about to ruin it for him by pestering her with questions. Hell, he’d even try to keep James and Sirius off her back, for Peter’s sake.
Once a few albums were selected and their play order was meticulously organized, the three remaining Marauders went downstairs to the Common Room, where they found Lily, Marlene, and Mary already waiting.
Sirius smiled a sharp smile at them and planted a chaste kiss on Mary’s cheek. “Night, night, ladies,” he said in a low voice, and Remus had to roll his eyes to avoid the truly indecent noise that wanted to come out of his lips at that. “Did you girls get the booze?”
“Who do you think we are, Black? Amateurs?” Marlene asked, not noticing the way Sirius’ shoulders tensed slightly when she called him that, relaxing the second three bottles of fire whiskey appeared from behind her back.
James gave a low, impressed whistle. “Damn, you lot do know how to get a party started,” he said, smiling at them but eyes focused entirely on Lily.
She kindly pretended not to notice. “Well of course, Potter, we can’t all be you” Mary answered instead, snaking an arm around Sirius’ back and him hugging her back immediately, an easy smile on his lips and his eyes distant in a way Remus hated. He sometimes got that look when he was with Mary, and he couldn’t understand why.
Before James could act offended, Lily interjected. “Where’s your fourth musketeer?” she inquired, craning her neck to look up the stairs as if Peter would come down at any second.
Remus scratched his head. “He’s apparently got a girl, Lily darling” James answered, looking at her with false dramatism and holding a hand to his forehead, craning his neck back. “They grow up so fast!”
“Oh, let the poor guy snog in peace, will you?” Marlene said, playfully, blocking Lily from James’ view and making a show of turning slowly for him for no particular reason.
Remus squinted his eyes in suspicion. Yeah, he had to figure out what that was about.
“I’ll set up the music while you lot get started on the shots” Remus announced, hoping to get away from Mary and Sirius, not wanting to see them being all over each other. Needing a few moments to think, and compose himself.
He felt Lily’s presence beside him while he put the first record on the Common Room player, neatly leaving the others in the formation they’d decided as adequate. “No Abba, I’m assuming?” She asked, and by her tone, he could tell she was smiling.
“Nope” he answered, trying to not let anger seep into his tone, but his mood was already soured, and Lily immediately felt it.
“Rem, I know it sucks, seeing them,” she left the phrase up in the air, and when Remus turned to look at her, he saw her make a small nod of acknowledgement in the pair’s direction. “But, and this is important, don’t let that ruin your night.”
“I’m doing my best” he muttered back, spending a lot more time than was necessary in straightening the records on the table. Then, he perked up and gave Lily the brightest smile he could muster. “Anyways, I’ll try to get drunk and drown my sorrows in that, how does that sound?”
Lily smiled at that, and he noticed for the first time she had painted them red, the color contrasting with her freckles, making them stand out even more. He knew that look; she had a conquest in mind. He didn’t ask; she’d tell him about it if she wanted him to know. “Well, I’m not going to stop you, so how about we get a head start instead?”
She took out a fourth Fire Whiskey bottle from her small bag, and he laughed. “An expansion charm, Evans? That’s a new one” he said, accepting the bottle and downing a gulp before passing it back to her.
He and Lily sat on one of the sofas, as Remus did his best to ignore Sirius and Lily did her best to get them both drunk. The music started playing softly, as people from other houses started pouring into the common room, but within an hour the music was at full volume, people had started dancing, and someone had enchanted a paper plane to fly around the room, circling couples who had chemistry and prompting some of them to start snogging.
Remus’ vision had grown fuzzy around the edges, and he was pleasantly dizzy, arm looped around Lily’s shoulders as he watched James and Sirius perform an uncoordinated dance to Wouldn’t It Be Nice by The Beach Boys, flailing their arms close enough, but not exactly on, tempo, moving their hips from one side to the other and trying to coordinate their moves. A small crowd of the attendees were cheering them on, mostly the girls. Remus was comfortable staying right there, on the sofa, and he smiled softly.
“Moons, come on! Dance with us!” Sirius extended his hands towards him, as the bridge started playing.
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray
It might come true
Remus looked at the hand extended towards him, running his gaze upwards to Sirius’ face. His hair was tied in a bun, a few straggler hairs framing it, and the way he smiled at him made Remus’ heart beat faster. Merlin, he was so, so pretty, and all Remus could look at were his lips, curled up in a small smile that seemed charged with some meaning he couldn’t begin to understand in his state. He wanted to kiss him so bad, it felt like he might die if he didn’t.
Oh, baby, then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
James was still dancing, oblivious as usual to his surroundings, but Sirius had stopped, paying no mind to the boos he received from across the room. He was looking into Remus’ eyes intensely, and he realized, by the way his cheeks were rosy, and his lips slightly parted, that he was more than a little tipsy.
We could be married (we could be married)
And then we’d be happy (and then we’d be happy)
Remus’ resolve faltered, and he unraveled his arm from around Lily to take Sirius’ arm instead. His smile widened as he pulled him up, with more force than was necessary, until their bodies were close together, chests touching, mouths mere centimeters apart from one another. Sirius looked at his lips for the smallest second before taking a step back and waggling his eyebrows at him.
Oh, wouldn’t it be nice?
Remus reluctantly joined in on the dance, awkwardly moving his arms and doing his best not to roll his eyes, and the crowd started cheering again, even through their truly awful singing. They hugged by the end of the song, the three of them huddled against one another, the crowd slowly losing interest in them as You Still Believe in Me started playing.
“Where’s Wormy?” James pouted and oh, he was absolutely hammered. His face was never as expressive as it was whenever he was truly drunk, and he could see it now, in the way his nose crinkled and his eyebrows furrowed.
“I’ll go look for him” Remus volunteered, suddenly remembering he had set himself on the mission of talking to Marlene. He thought now would be a good time; drunk enough to let his tongue a little loose, but not enough to not remember it by the next morning.
“Noooooo” Sirius looked at him through half-lidded eyes, the slightest pout on his lips. “Don’t leave me, my Moons.”
Remus actually choked a little on the Fire Whiskey he’d been downing, courtesy of some Hufflepuff blond guy, looking at him enticingly and insistingly offering him the bottle. Robert McKellen. He made a point to remember people’s names, and so he focused on that instead of on Sirius, because he was too drunk to let that sink in, and if he looked at him for longer than three seconds, he’d give in and stay. Or kiss him.
He’d do whatever Sirius wanted, and it didn’t even scare him.
“Sorry, Pads, I’m going,” he said instead, and turned to the room, squeezing between the bodies and not looking back.
In a couple of minutes, he’d searched the entirety of the Common Room and had realized three people were missing, at least that he could name: Peter, who was still AWOL apparently, Marlene, and Dorcas Meadowes, the Slytherin girl he knew Marlene kept looking at when she thought no one was paying attention. The same one Barty and Evan had mentioned before, in the library.
Cursing at Peter for taking the map with him and leaving him blind, Remus went to the entrance of the Common Room and opened it, stepping out. He was immediately rewarded by a cold breeze and a muffling of the music, both things for which he was grateful. He took a second to gather himself, running a hand through his hair and letting out a sigh.
Then, he moved down the corridor to the left, looking for a broom closet he knew for a fact was mostly unknown for other houses, but virtually every single Gryffindor knew about it and used it for their conquests.
He knocked on the door and heard a loud bang from the inside, followed by cursing and a very angry Marlene saying “It’s occupied, bitch! Look elsewhere!”
“Marls” he ignored her threat, “I need to talk to you.”
This was followed by more cursing, a discussion in hushed voices, and a few seconds later the door opened the tiniest bit, allowing Marlene to squeeze through. “This better be important, Lupin, because you know damn fucking well what I was doing in there and I’m not making him wait for more than strictly necessary.”
She said it so confidently that, for a second, Remus doubted himself. Was there actually a bloke in there? What was he doing?
But then, a second later, he saw the way Marlene’s eyes tightened, scouring his face for a reaction, and knew he hadn’t imagined it. “Cut it, Marls,” he said instead, softly, and curved his mouth upwards the tiniest bit. “Tell Dorcas to come out of there already. I want to properly meet her.”
He saw Marlene’s expression crumple, face blanched and fury invading it instead, only for it to turn confused a second later, and then her eyes went big and wet, and she was looking at him square in the eyes. “You know?” She asked, in such a small voice that it was a bit terrifying.
Like he did all the Gryffindor girls, he’d always considered Marlene a bit of a force of nature, someone you never mess with, someone who could take you apart with a mere look. So, for her to look this vulnerable, this small… he hated it. “Yes, Marls, I do,” he said, voice still soft, and went forward a couple of steps, opening his arms in an invitation. It took her less than three seconds to close the distance between them and dive into his arms.
He felt her cry against his jumper and allowed her to, using one hand to comb through her short hair and murmuring nonsense into her ears. She wasn’t small, not by any means, but he still towered over her, meaning she could hide her face on his chest and cry in peace without being looked at.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, until she seemed to calm down enough and stepped back, doing her best to look nonchalant about it. Remus indulged her.
“Dorcas, it’s okay, come out,” she said, only slightly above a whisper, but in a matter of seconds the door to the closet was being opened.
“I swear to fucking Merlin himself Marlene, if that was you making a pun right this fucking second-” Dorcas interrupted her speech as she came out and saw Remus standing there. She looked at Marlene, who shrugged, and then back at him.
He took a second to study her, her dark skin, hair up in stylish braids and threaded with silver loops, eyes bright, and lips swollen from kissing. It was the first time he’d seen her up close, but he understood what Marlene saw in her immediately. She’d always seemed to have a knack for pretty but strong, and Dorcas seemed to fit that definition perfectly.
“I don’t think we’ve properly met, Dorcas,” he said, extending his hand. “I’m Remus.” She looked at his hand for a few seconds before taking it and shaking it with confidence. And perhaps a little too much force.
“Not a dyke hater, then? You hoping you could join us?” She asked, her voice tense, and Remus realized she still didn’t trust him.
That was fair, he supposed. He shrugged. “Takes a queer to know one, I guess,” he said, and regretted it instantly.
Yes, he’d wanted to calm her down, but what was he doing admitting these sorts of things aloud in a lonely corridor? It was way past curfew by now, but anyone from the party could still be listening in, if only because they wanted to use the closet themselves. Perhaps he was a bit more drunk than he originally thought, being reckless like that.
Both girls wore matching expressions of surprise, but only for a second. “Holy shit,” Marlene said softly and shared a look with Dorcas. “Oh, I fucking knew it”. She looked at his face, then at the door to the common room behind him, and blanched. “They don’t know, do they?”
“No, and I’d be grateful if was kept that way,” he said, voice a little strangled.
“Of course, Rem. This goes both ways anyways, doesn’t it?” Marlene answered, still looking from the portrait of the Fat Lady to him, and he could almost hear her cogs turning in her mind. She seemed to give up on whatever her train of thought was, turning to Dorcas and giving her a squeeze on the shoulder, sharing a look for a second. “I think it’s been enough adrenaline for the both of us for tonight. We’re heading back inside, want to come?”
“Nah, I’ll stay here a second,” he said, not meeting their eyes. She gave him a small pat on the back as she went, Dorcas beside her, but careful to not touch each other.
He heard Marlene say the password and then the portrait opened and closed. He waited until it was closed to close his eyes and let all the air out of his lungs, extending his head back as he did.
“Well, that was an interesting conversation.” Every muscle in Remus’ body tensed as he opened his eyes and looked for the source of the comment. A second later, Regulus stepped out from behind one of the armors in the corridor, a few meters from the closet.
Remus felt the blood drain from his face, chest filling with dread. He actually quite liked Regulus, but he also knew he wasn’t nearly as open-minded as Sirius was, and if he doubted Sirius would ever accept him, he was sure Regulus wouldn’t. He forced his expression to betray nothing as he looked at him though, trying to subtly look for his wand. He wouldn’t put it past someone to hex him over what he’d said, and he wanted to at least be prepared. “You caught all that?” He said and couldn’t take the bite from his words.
“You weren’t being exactly subtle about it, were you Remus?” Regulus said, his voice neutral, eyes scanning Remus’ face like he wanted a reaction out of him. He didn’t give him the satisfaction, staying stone-faced.
“What are you even doing here?” he asked instead, hoping to distract the other boy until he figured out how to get out of there. Merlin, why had he gotten so drunk?
“I wanted in on the party” he answered slowly, his posh accent coming in full.
Remus laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “And you thought what, I’d let you in? why the fuck would you even try that?”
Regulus sighed and looked at him, and he saw the moment his mask slipped, shoulders sagging and fatigue filling his features. “Remus let’s not do this. I don’t give a rat’s ass who you like or don’t like, okay?” When he saw Remus standing there, not moving, he sighed again. “I just want to see my brother” his voice was so small and broken, and Remus couldn’t help it. He came closer to the other boy until they stood close enough where it was comfortable to whisper.
“What happened this summer, Reg?” he asked the question he’d wanted to ask since he’d seen Sirius on the train. Looking back, he looked so tired, like he was barely holding on, hiding it all behind the tension in his shoulders and some stupid joke, that half-smile always on his lips. And he’d fallen for it.
Regulus turned and Remus thought maybe he wasn’t getting an answer out of him, but he just sat down in front of the broom closet. Remus sat beside him.
And then Regulus told him. How Sirius had been most rebellious this summer, contradicting everything their mother said, and how her punishments got more and more physical, until she lashed almost his entire body, broke one too many ribs, used psychological torture on him, doing whatever it took to make him break. How, despite all this, he didn’t break to her will. About how one day she’d said something Regulus didn’t quite catch and Sirius had lost it, retaliating with magic against her, and how she’d won and burned him from the family tree, disowned him then and there, and turned him to the streets with only his wand and the clothes he’d been wearing.
Remus heard it all with a mixture of surprise and horror. He’d known Walburga was a horrible woman, but Sirius never went into much detail about what she did to him. Regulus though, he explained it all in a ridiculous monotone voice that sounded almost detached, but it took just one look at him to know he was bottling it all up.
When he finished, he looked at Remus, his face carefully neutral, betraying nothing. “So yeah, you can see why I’m a little worried.”
“Regulus. Do you need to get out of that house?” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them, and Regulus looked at him with surprise, not managing to hide it.
“I tell you all this about one of your best mates and that’s the first place your mind goes to?” he asked, and Remus looked at him and tried to convey everything he couldn’t say into his eyes.
“I care about you, too, and Sirius is already out,” he said, softly. Regulus seemed to sit on that for a moment, processing it, before nodding.
“Thank you” he exhaled.
He didn’t answer the question, and Remus didn’t push it. Instead, he stood up and offered a hand to Regulus so he could do the same. “Let’s go in”, he said, heading for the portrait.