Aftermath
The full moon came and went. The wolf seemed excited to be back at Hogwarts, content with exploring a small patch of the forest as long as Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs stayed with him. It had seemed especially content to see Padfoot, James couldn’t help but think, turning back to his human form. They were back in the shack, Wormtail and Padfoot staying in their Animagus form. It was easier that way, to get huddled together under the mantle of the invisibility cloak and sneak out before Pomfrey got there.
He gave Remus’ unconscious body one last look. Remus always insisted that they didn’t leave him on the bed, it would arouse Pomfrey’s suspicions, but James couldn’t resist throwing a small blanket over his naked body, still trembling from the remnants of the transformation back, bloody where they’d been unable to stop the wolf from scratching itself. It tugged at James’ heart to see one of his best mates in such a state, but he knew there was nothing more he could do. He reminded himself he was doing his best, and Remus was grateful for it, and with that, he turned and put the cloak over the rat and the dog, then himself.
The small passage that led out onto school grounds again was relatively short, and James tried not to think much as he made the way back. The day after a full moon was always hard on him, the weight of not sleeping on his shoulders, tugging him down. He always affronted it with a smile and loads of black tea. He had never quite gotten used to the bitter taste of coffee.
Once out in the school garden, he took a second to look around, savoring the smell of grass and dew, the slight chirping of birds, just waking up, the way the sun illuminated everything in golden light. Then he hurried, hunched over Padfoot’s back, letting the smell of fur envelop him until they were inside the castle.
He looked left and right to ensure no one was around and then removed the cloak. It was early enough that most students were still in bed, but not enough to be bothered by Filch if he happened to walk by.
He took Wormtail from Padfoot’s snout, where he’d fallen asleep curled around himself, and then leveled himself with the black dog, and hugged him. “We did well today, Pads,” he murmured against his fur, adjusting his glasses on his face. He knew Sirius needed to hear it; he always blamed himself whenever Remus ended up with a new scratch.
Once he stood up, Padfoot disappeared, as Sirius transformed back into himself and gave him a tired smile. “Give me Wormy, Prongs. I’ll take us both to the dorm and sleep for a while.”
James smiled and passed him the rat, still sound asleep. Sirius carefully put both hands around him protectively, a small smile on his face. He was much more careful than most people gave him credit for, only seeing his rough edges and assuming that was all there was to him, but he knew better than that.
“Don’t forget to be there for History of Magic, Pads. You know Moony prefers your notes over mine for that one.” Sirius nodded, still looking at Wormtail’s sleeping form, and turned around to leave.
James wanted to call out to him, ask what was wrong with him, but didn’t. He already knew what the problem was, how much anguish Sirius felt about Remus’ status as a werewolf, and how it broke his heart to see him transform, again and again. It had been him who had done most of the research on becoming animagi, the one who’d guided them through the process, the one who insisted they needed to protect Remus from the pain. So of course, seeing how they helped, but only to a point, broke his heart more than it did James’. He’d probably never admit it aloud, but James knew he was also going to the dorm to cry for a while, away from prying eyes.
James would leave him to it. There was nothing he could do about that, either.
Feeling more down than he’d been in days, he decided to head to the Quidditch pitch; he didn’t have his broom, but he could always pick one from Hooch’s closet. He was only going to do a couple of laps, try and clear his head, before showering and going back for breakfast anyway. He also needed to go back to the dorm for his school supplies, and then take a moment to go around the infirmary and make sure Remus was all right.
He was deep in his thoughts when he entered the pitch, immediately calmer from just the smell of the broom polisher in the air, mixed with freshly cut grass. He was getting a broom out when he realized that someone had beat him to it, already up in the air, so high all James could see was a speck of green, moving slowly, almost lazily. Although the movement was slow, there was inherent grace to it, nothing about it lazy or unpracticed.
James was immediately captivated by such a display of control up in the air and couldn’t resist as he immediately rode the broom and went to the stranger’s encounter.
When he was high enough for the other person to see him, he was surprised to find none other than Regulus Black, clad in his green and silver Seeker uniform, looking at him through bored eyes.
“The fuck are you doing here, Potter?” he asked, tone strangely devoid of emotion.
Sirius had complained about this to him at some point, about how Regulus always seemed so uninterested in everything, how he was able to just… turn his feelings off, or something, and seem almost like a machine. James had never seen it from up close before, though, never having talked to him one-on-one before, and he had to admit it was a little unnerving.
“You know, just came for a ride,” he said, and Regulus turned around. James followed his gaze and saw he was looking at the sunrise. The sun was almost entirely out now, the light more yellow than golden, but it was still so very beautiful.
“Well, I was here first, so…” he said, still looking the other way, gesturing vaguely in a way that seemed to imply get lost.
“Yeah well, sunshine, you didn’t put a reservation on the field, did you? I checked, so it’s all fair game” James said, lying through his teeth about it, but by the way Regulus’ shoulders sagged just the smallest amount he knew he was right, nonetheless.
James didn’t really know why he was talking to Regulus. He could just turn around and use the field, pretending he wasn’t there, but there was something about the other boy drawing him that James couldn’t quite place. For a second, he even forgot that he was Sirius’ brother, and all the things that had happened at Grimmauld place that very summer that had ended with Sirius being disowned and living in the Potter’s house. The resentment he had built towards him, almost against his will, just knowing he’d been there while everything happened and didn’t do a thing to stop it.
“Don’t call me that” Regulus said, voice still empty, and James couldn’t help but smile.
“What? Sunshine?”
“I’m not the fucking sun, Potter, so shut it”. He turned to look at him, his grey eyes full of hatred and something else he couldn’t decipher.
“But your name comes from a star, does it not?” James asked and oh, seeing Regulus’ brows crease and his face brim with emotions, even if they were negative, was something that captivated him. He used one hand and rested it on his broom, hanging precariously but knowing he wouldn’t fall.
“But not the sun,” Regulus said, ever argumentative, and James nodded, considering this.
“Well then, would starshine do?”
“You’re not giving me a nickname,” Regulus said, his tone final, and he turned to do another lap around the pitch. James corrected his posture and followed him, staying right by his side, adjusting his speed to match Regulus’.
“Oh, I am definitely giving you a nickname,” he smiled, teasing, and he didn’t know why he was pushing his luck, why it seemed quintessential to him at that moment to give Regulus a nickname, but it did, and so he pushed.
“What for? It’s not like you’ll speak to me again” his tone was bitter, the first display of emotion in it, and that hurt James. He wanted to correct that immediately.
“Let’s do something, then: if I talk to you again, you’ll let me call you sunshine”. Regulus considered this for a second, and then shrugged, stopping his broom abruptly. James had to maneuver his and turned around, stopping his broom in front of Regulus’.
“Displeasure talking to you, but I’m leaving now” Regulus answered, noncommittally, and James smiled, adjusting his glasses as Regulus turned his broom and left him there.
“Bye, bye, sunshine! I’m taking that as a yes!” He shouted at Regulus’ leaving form, smiling still, even wider when Regulus flipped him off without looking back.
He did a few more laps around the pitch, showered, and then went to the great hall for breakfast, feeling more energized than he usually did the day after the full moon.
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When he went to check on Remus in the afternoon, his notes carefully stashed in his bag, he found Madame Pomfrey at the entrance to the infirmary, waiting for him.
“Hello, Pomfrey, darling,” he said, smiling brightly at her. She didn’t seem impressed in the slightest by his smile, instead looking at him from over her glasses with a calculating look. “Just here to see Remus” he continued, when she didn’t give any sign of letting him through.
She finally sighed. “He isn’t in the best mood, Mr. Potter. Just so you’re aware” she said, but finally gestured toward the door and let him through.
He passed, with her a few steps behind him. “Did he say why?” He asked, concern dripping in his voice.
“I think it’s the new scar,” she said, not hiding her pity from her voice. It made James’ blood run cold, and he hurried down the empty beds until the one all the way back and to the left, the only one with the curtains drawn.
“I’m going in, sweetheart” James announced, loud enough for Remus to hear, before opening the curtain and taking a look at his friend’s face. Remus was sitting on the bed, eyes focused on the book he held in his hands, lips pursed in concentration, sheets up to his naked chest.
It did nothing to hide the bandage that started all the way up, on the left side of his neck and went down in an almost straight line until right above his heart. He took less than a second surveying it, his eyes immediately back on Remus’ face, but it was enough for him to notice the stare, and then his lips pursed into a thin line and his eyes averted from James’. “What’s one more for a whole fucking collection, right?” He asked and then laughed bitterly.
James had seen Remus’ near-naked form out of the shower enough times to know his body was littered with scars, so pale in contrast with his usually tan skin. His torso was the worst, so many of them going right to his heart, crossing over it. James hated thinking about it, thinking about the fact that the wolf seemed to want to rip Remus’ heart out of its place. This new scar was a fresh reminder of that. It was something not even they, as animagi, were able to stop most of the time. The wolf wanted Remus’ heart for some reason, and it wouldn’t stop clawing.
“Moony, you know I don’t think of them like that,” he said, sitting down on the bed, by Remus’ feet, and extending his hand in an offering. After a few seconds, he took it, and James gave him a reassuring squeeze. “When do you have rounds again, sweetheart?” He asked, hoping to remove Remus’ mind from everything that had him in a mood. James knew he wouldn’t want to talk about it, he usually never did, so instead he offered Remus an out.
“Tomorrow. I think I’ll be fine by then, though” he hastily added. James nodded, not wanting to contradict him, just a bit calmer by the reassurance McGonagall had given them a few nights ago that they could replace him, no questions asked.
“Sure, mate. I brought you our notes, your homework, and your favorite muffin” Remus seemed to brighten at that, the nerd, James couldn’t help but think, as he handed Remus the stack of papers and smiled at them. He put the chocolate muffin, courtesy of the kitchens he’d visited earlier in the day, on his nightstand. He knew Remus would get to it later, when he was feeling up to it. The full moon tended to turn his stomach inside out for the first couple of days.
“Thanks, Prongs. Did Pads take the History of Magic notes?” He was already eyeing the parchments, looking for said notes. In James’ opinion, those should be the ones he looked at last. Preferably when he was insomniac and needed the boost to sleep.
“Yeah, mate, he made it in time” James assured him and couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips when he saw Remus’ smile after locating them. Yes, his best friend was a little mental for seemingly enjoying Binn’s classes, but he wasn’t one to judge. After all, he’d been the only one to choose Arithmancy out of all their elective subjects.
“Thank you, he exhaled, his voice sincere, and James nodded.
James debated whether to stay or not, wanting to talk more to him, wanting to know what was bothering him. He could tell there was something, by the way, he’d come back after the break, expression more guarded, less snide remarks, and more nostalgic silences. However, he knew Remus better than that, knew that he’d probably make up some excuse or straight-up lie to him about whatever he didn’t want to talk about. James couldn’t really blame him, didn’t get mad at it, but sometimes he wondered if perhaps Remus wanted them to push more against some of the walls he’d built.
“Prongs” he started, and James immediately perked up. He was wearing a weird expression. Guarded. “Thank you, for being there. I don’t think I thank you guys enough about that.”
“Oh, Moony, you know that’s what best mates are for.” He said with a gentle smile on his face. Remus had a hard time coming to terms with their friendship, especially in the beginning, so he knew the thank you meant a whole lot more coming from him.
“However, Prongs,” he continued, “I’m tired of you defending me all the damn time. I’m not a porcelain doll, okay? I don’t break as easily as you lot seem to think.”
His blood ran cold, and he immediately wanted to argue about it, but he thought better of it and settled on accepting that’s exactly what they did. “You know we do it out of love, sweetheart, not to make you feel any less, right?” Reluctantly, Remus nodded. “We just worry about you, is all. We don’t want to see you suffer.”
“But I do suffer, and that’s ok, Prongs. You cannot protect me from this, and you shouldn’t have to. It’s not your burden to bear.”
“That doesn’t mean you should have to shoulder it alone, Moony.” At some point, Peter and Sirius had caught up with them. James turned and saw Peter, who had spoken, looking at Remus with pain in his eyes.
Never pity, though. They knew how much he hated that.
“Whatever we can do to make it even the smallest bit better, Moons, we’ll do it. Not because we think you’ll break, it’s just that we want to help you.”
It was more or less the same iteration of the conversation they’d had back in the end of fourth year, when they’d told Remus the reason they’d been so secretive and skirmish with him and had shown him Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs for the first time.
Like then, he didn’t take it well.
“You just make me feel like a fucking burden” he muttered under his breath, focusing the intensity of his glare on Sirius, and James felt how the words hit him like a physical blow. He could almost hear Sirius’ thoughts by the way he scrunched his face for the faintest second before it hardened again.
“This isn’t going to end well, is it?” Peter asked him in a small voice, and James only nodded. These fights between the two of them had always existed, but since their fourth year, they’d become more intense. A little too real.
“Have you listened to anything we just said-”
“Boys, if you’re going to upset Mr. Lupin, I think it’s time you get out” came Pomfrey’s stern voice from just outside the curtain.
James exchanged a glance with Sirius, one of those charged gazes in which they could have entire conversations. It wasn’t telepathy, not exactly, they’d just… spent so much time together they quite literally knew every single expression the other made. He’s so fucking stubborn, Sirius’ eyes said, and James wanted to agree, just for a second, but he thought better of it. You know he’s tired, Pads, and he hates when we fuss over him he put forth instead, and Sirius' eyes strained. I worry about him, Prongs, and James couldn’t not agree with that. We all do, mate. We just can’t ambush him like that.
Sirius nodded, seemingly content with the interaction, and turned to Remus. Both he and Peter were looking at James and Sirius like they’d grown a second head each. It didn’t matter how many times they did it, they still never got used to seeing them talk like that. Sirius’ shoulder sagged.
“I’m sorry, Moons, I didn’t mean to shout at you. You’ll be coming back to the dorm tonight, right?”
“Yeah, Pads, I will” Remus reassured him, seemingly calm again, though his face remained stoic. “You lot go, sleep. I’ll have a look at these notes while Pomfrey runs some more checks and I’ll be good as new”.
“I’m the one who has the last word on whether you’ll leave or not, young man,” the matron said, pushing past the curtains and coming to view. Her expression was hard. “Well, didn’t you lot hear him? Go now, he’ll most likely join you later”.
James smiled and as he turned to leave, he gave Pomfrey a flashing smile. “Goodbye, Pomfrey darling,” he said and, for just a second, he could’ve sworn the witch gave him the faintest smile.
“What, are you trying your luck on more experimented women?” Sirius asked once they were out of the infirmary, and Peter gave a snorting laugh.
“Really, Pads?” James said, no humor in his voice, which only made the other two boys crack up more.
They continued down the hall, still laughing between them, until a cruel laugh startled them from behind.
“Visiting your sickly roommate again? What was it this time?” Severus Snape’s voice rang to James from down the hall, and he did his best to turn around slowly, trying to control his anger. It wouldn’t do anyone any good, fighting now.
Sirius didn’t seem to think the same thing, his emotions still running high from his almost-fight with Remus. “None of your fucking business, Snivellus” he retorted back, wand already pointed at him.
Snape was standing with his arms crossed, a sour expression on his face (or was that just how his face looked? James was never able to figure it out), Avery and Mulciber standing on each side of him. They were brutes, the three of them, used to exerting the little power they felt they had over the younger students. James hated them on principle.
He gladly took his wand out as well and felt Peter by his side do the same. He didn’t point out how the blonde boy’s hands were shaking.
However, even through all the distance, Snape seemed to notice. “Scared, Pettigrew?” he asked, in a mocking tone. “Do you perhaps need mommy to come save-”
He was interrupted by Sirius’ nonverbal pus-squirting hex, which he’d been working to perfect all summer. James couldn’t help but laugh as pus suddenly shot out from Snape’s long nose, cutting his hate off. He high-fived Sirius and looked at Avery and Mulciber, his smile becoming sharper. He needed to release some tension and wouldn’t be opposed to doing so in the form of turning those two into itchy messes for a week.
He didn’t have the chance to do it, though, because right as he was preparing his wand to cast, Miss Norris appeared at the end of the corridor behind them. That only meant that Filch was close behind.
Cursing under his breath, he forced himself out of his defensive stance and turned to Sirius and Peter. “We better go, guys. Before any of these idiots mess with our so far clean slates for this year.”
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to fight them, of course he did, but it had more to do with the fact that Euphemia had promised to give him more money for a few weeks if he managed to stay out of detention for the first month of classes. It seemed like a fair compromise to him, so he’d actually been complying and, without him to entice them, the rest of the Marauders hadn’t gotten into detention either. James turned around, ready to leave before trouble found him, but it always did seem to have a knack for him, didn’t it?
In a matter of seconds and before he could do anything to stop it, the floor went out from under him, and he was left dangling precariously upside down, with Avery laughing maliciously from behind him. He heard the fighting start and struggled to get free from the hold of the spell but to no avail. What the hell was it? He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen it before. He adjusted his glasses on his head and tried turning around to see what was going on, but he found he couldn’t do that either.
Snape, seemingly recuperated from Sirius’ hex, sneered at him from behind. “Always a pleasure to see you humiliated, Potter. It suits you.”
“Well, Snivellus, it isn’t humiliation if I don’t feel as much, and, considering what a band of losers you lot are, I don’t think your opinion about me keeps me up at night.”
He heard Peter laugh from somewhere close to him and, for the first time in a long time, wished that Filch would just catch up with them already.
His satisfaction became even greater when he heard a feminine voice from behind him yell. “What the fuck is going on here?” He’d recognize that voice anywhere. Alas, it was Lily who’d come to his rescue.
Even in his state, he couldn’t help but smile fondly as he heard her scold all the other boys involved, calling off the fight. He thought she heard her voice especially sharp when directed towards Snape and smiled even wider.
He felt Sirius’ hand on his shoulder and strained his neck to look at him. “You’re never living this down, Prongs” he warned him, and, a second later, he felt the spell leave him. However, thanks to Sirius’ warning, he managed to somehow flip his body and, instead of falling face-first to the ground, he found his balance and managed to fall on his feet.
He turned around to see Snape’s blank stare and furious eyes directed solely at him, much like how Lily was looking at him and oh, James loved the way she was so passionate. So alive. So full of fire.
“Oh, my savior, what would I do without you, darling?” He said, making loving eyes in Lily’s direction and ignoring the Slytherin boys entirely.
Their relationship had remained strained for as long as James could remember, with him making himself the idiot over and over and her turning him down every time. However, since that time they’d patrolled together, he felt like she had eased herself, if only a little, around him. He had stayed true to his word that night, not saying anything out of place and doing his best to be helpful to Lily. She had thanked him after they’d finished, and her sweet voice had made him smile foolishly for the rest of the night.
Lily looked back at him with a mixture of anger and concern. It was endearing, really, the way her red hair framed her cheeks, the way her uniform hugged her curves in such a way James couldn’t help but look. Respectfully. “I am so done with you lot,” she said, looking at the Gryffindor boys, but there was a trace of a smile hidden in there somewhere, and James felt his cheeks blush despite himself.
He could deny it all he wanted, but his friends were right. He was a lovesick moron.
“And you…” Lily turned back to the Slytherin boys, and James saw her body tense, her hand grasping her wand with such force he deemed it a miracle it didn’t break. “I heard the fight start, Severus. Care to defend yourself? They were walking away from you!”
“Lily…” Severus started, and she crossed her arms and kept on looking at him. He didn’t continue.
“Thought as much” she muttered under her breath, then gave her back to the Slytherin boys and looked at James, Sirius, and Peter instead. “Let’s go, boys.”
“Aye, aye, captain” Sirius answered, saluting her. She rolled her eyes and started walking. They immediately followed her, out of the corridor and back to Gryffindor Tower.