Full Moon
The morning of the full moon was always the worst for Remus. He felt his body heavy and was utterly tired, but as usual, he couldn’t go back to sleep. He’d actually been tossing and turning for almost the entire night, only sleeping a few minutes at a time before being startled awake by a weak noise in the distance, Peter’s snores, or the faint tremors that came over his skin. He was halfway certain he was running a fever. He ignored it.
He stared at Sirius’ sleeping form on the bed beside him and sighed, turning slowly and quietly until he sat upright, and went down to the Common Room. He was tired of trying to sleep. Maybe a few hours of overthinking were what he needed instead.
It was still dark outside, the sky turning from black to dark blue, the room illuminated faintly by the last embers of the fireplace someone had forgotten to put out completely. He sat on the sofa before the dying fireplace, putting his feet up and using them as his headrest, staring at the dying embers quietly.
He spent a few minutes like that, contemplating the night sky through the window on one side of the room, when he heard light steps, going down from the girls’ dorms. He smelt the faint trace of lavender and smiled.
He waited until she was closer before turning around and smiling at her. “Couldn’t sleep?”
Lily nodded in the darkness, dressed in her small pajama shorts and a sweater, her short, freckled legs on display. She was barefoot, and Remus wondered briefly if her feet weren’t freezing. Even he'd put on some socks before heading down, and he usually had the highest body temperature out of everyone he knew.
He patted the cushion beside him, and Lily walked to it, her steps heavy with tiredness, and sat down. He put his arm around her shoulders and put her head to rest on his chest. Her long, wavy hair was down, and Remus used his fingers to card gently through it, a calming gesture.
She sighed. “I hate insomnia” she declared, closing her eyes and starting to pass her fingers up and down his arm.
“Me too.” He looked at her. She had her eyes closed and was burrowed against his chest comfortably. He decided to ask her the question that had been burning on his mind since Monday night. “How was patrol with James?”
She opened one eye to peek at him. “You’re not playing double agent right now, are you?” She questioned him, but her tone was light. When he didn’t answer, she sighed. “Honestly? He wasn’t as much of a dick as I expected him to be. He was even… nice.”
Remus smiled a little at her. “Just ‘nice’? I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at him since we got back. Marlene, too.”
Lily groaned and hid her face in his chest. He laughed softly, doing his best to be quiet. “I don’t know what on Godric’s name is going on with Marlene. She keeps talking about James, for some reason, but it all seems so forced to me. I don’t know what she’s playing at.”
Remus nodded thoughtfully, filing this information for later and wondering whether he should share his suspicions about the blonde girl with Lily. She didn’t seem to have a clue, however, and he decided it wasn’t his secret to tell. He still gave her a small nudge. “You didn’t answer the entire question, Lils.”
“And I’m not going to,” she said, ever stubborn. Remus went to give her a light tickle and she jumped away from him, glaring at him. He gave her an innocent smile.
After a few seconds, she sighed and scooted over again, resuming their former position. He decided he wouldn’t pressure her; if she wanted to talk about it, she would.
“You want a smoke?” He offered, after they’d spent a few minutes in silence, him still playing with her hair and her still trailing his arm.
She looked up at him briefly. “At five in the morning?” She arched her eyebrow, and he chuckled.
“Since when does it have to be a specific time for you to say yes to a smoke?” He asked.
It had been her who had gotten him into the habit of smoking. During their fourth year, she’d had a massive stock of muggle cigarettes she bought when she went home for the holidays, and she’d started smoking them whenever she couldn’t sleep. She’d been kind enough to share with Remus, and he’d gotten hooked to the small sticks ever since. He’d even gone out during the summer to the muggle town near his house to buy some, not wanting to depend on Lily’s supply entirely.
She chuckled. “Touché,” she said, but still didn’t move. “I didn’t bring them down with me, though.”
“Neither did I” Remus lamented, throwing his head back and groaning. He was about to move to get up when Lily looked at him, green eyes boring into his.
“My sister’s boyfriend smokes, you know. Says it’s a bad habit he can’t get rid of.”
Remus looked at her face, examining her features. Saw the strain in them, the way she was doing her best to hold back the tears.
“That the boy Petunia wrote to you about last term?” He asked, softly.
Remus, being an only child, didn’t really understand siblings. Didn’t understand why every word Petunia wrote to Lily marked her, and hurt her deeply. Why she still wanted her approval, craved it, and wanted her sister to accept her so badly she was willing to smother her usual fire into a compliant silence. It was the same way he didn’t understand the love Sirius had for Regulus, the hatred that mingled in there sometimes. Siblings, as a general rule, were an enigma to him, and he doubted he’d ever get them.
But he could listen to Lily, knew she liked that. So, he did. “Yeah, that’s the one. His name is so weird, like Vermin or something,” she said and laughed a little, and Remus laughed with her, “and I’m scared of the influence he has on her.” She said it in a whisper, not looking at him.
Suddenly, she wasn’t smiling or laughing anymore. She hiccupped a little and Remus brought both of his hands down to hug her as she broke down, crying in his arms. It was unlike her to cry about her problems, Remus had come to realize last term. She preferred hard logic and talking them through, never one to dwell on sentimentality, as most of the women he knew did. So, it was a surprise to see her break down like this.
“Did he say anything to you?” He asked, his voice strained.
“Yeah, he…” Lily laughed a little in between sobs. “I guess Petunia told him about me being a witch, she’d never done that with the others, so I guess this one’s more serious? Anyway, when I went back during the summer, they both kept laughing at me and telling me how much of a freak I was. I normally wouldn’t pay much attention to it, but… I don’t know. Sev wasn’t there for me, either. It was hard.”
Remus continued stroking her hair and gave a mental berating to Severus Snape and Petunia Evans, the continuous torment on Lily’s life. He hated seeing her like this but didn’t know what to do or say.
Thankfully, she didn’t seem to want words of reassurance or anything of the sort. After a few more seconds of crying, she rubbed her hands in her face and sniffed. “Thanks for listening, Rem. I missed you during the summer.”
Remus didn’t normally feel bad about his inability to keep up with mail, but this time he did. He had barely written Lily back anything during the summer, all but disappearing to the small world that was his house, with his mother and her illness and himself and sometimes his dad. It had been mostly him and her, and taking care of her, and he hadn’t wanted to burden anyone with his worries, so he didn’t reply most of the time.
“I’m sorry I didn’t reply much, Lils,” he said, voice soft.
She tutted. “Nonsense. You’d warned me already how crap you are at letters. Next time I’ll just have to come over to your house.” She said, smiling playfully, and Remus indulged her, even if her eyes were a little red and her cheeks were still stained with tears.
“Are you inviting yourself to my house, Evans?” He asked, waggling his eyebrows at her. She chuckled and pushed his chest slightly.
“Thought you’d never ask” she replied, and he smiled at her and gave her a small, private smile. The one he reserved for her. She reciprocated it.
Lily cleared her throat after the moment passed and looked at him playfully. “Enough about me, I had my breakdown and am feeling much better now. Now you, spill. What’s been going on between you and Sirius? I’ve seen the way he’s been looking at you recently.”
Yes, Lily knew about his thing for Sirius. She’d spent the end of last year almost glued to his side, and she was much more observant than the Marauders. She’d clocked him not two weeks into their blooming friendship and had reassured him, time and time again, that she was fine with it. She’d actually given him a lot of helpful advice on the topic, almost like she was talking from experience, but he wasn’t sure what experience she could possibly be alluding to. He was grateful for it, nevertheless.
“There’s nothing much going on in that department, and he’s been looking at me just the same as he always has,” he said, trying to avoid the subject. She looked at him arching her eyebrows and he groaned. “Okay, fine, you win. He’s going to be the death of me this year. Are you happy?”
Lily laughed heartily and gave Remus a pat on the back. “He is looking really good, I have to admit.”
Remus looked at her with mock offense. “Are you going to steal my man, Evans?”
“Only if you don’t get to him first, Lupin,” there was a challenge in her eyes and Remus only stuck his tongue out at her.
They laughed at the same time, and, for a moment, Remus forgot everything about the full moon later that night.
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It was late afternoon, and Remus was sitting in the library doing his work. He wanted to get a start on the homework that had been left for the day before he had to leave for the infirmary.
He’d been feeling miserable the entirety of the day, doing his best to avoid loud noises and trying to pay attention to the lessons. It was an almost futile effort, though. He had looked at Sirius during their first lecture and he’d wordlessly nodded, switching from looking out the window, lost in thought, into paying attention and writing the notes Remus was currently using. He had thanked him, shyly, but he’d only winked at him and told him it was the least he could do. That had been nice enough to have Remus blushing.
He wasn’t the only one doing things for him, though. All of the Marauders kept crowding over him, with James directing attention away from him as much as he could, Sirius acting almost as a bodyguard, guarding him like a dog (appropriate, Remus couldn’t help but think), and Peter trying to lighten his mood with small quips and gossip.
They did make the day more bearable, Remus admitted to himself, but he was glad classes were over and he could scurry off to the library by himself. The amount of attention he received on the days of the full moon was too much for him, most of the time, and he hated how it made him feel like he was the burden of the group.
He still tried to let them do it, though. They seemed so happy to help, and if it made them feel like they were making a difference, Remus wasn’t about to take that from them.
He’d been staring at the empty parchment paper, lost in thought and quill in his hand, not dipped in ink yet, for a while, before the scraping of a chair by his side brought him back to the present. He looked up and was surprised to find Regulus Black, Evan Rosier, and Bartemius Crouch, talking amongst themselves while they pulled chairs at the same table as him.
“Um… hello?” he told them, but it came out as more of a question than a greeting. The three of them stopped talking and looked at him. Regulus gave him a nod, and Evan smiled and waved at him. Barty simply rolled his eyes.
“Hey, Remus,” Regulus said, his tone friendly but his face blank. He plopped on the chair beside him, while Evan and Barty sat down in front of them.
“Are there… no other tables available?” He asked when they started taking out their books and putting them in front of themselves. He really doubted that; the library tended to be empty on Wednesdays, especially so early in the year, but Remus didn’t know what else to say. What were they doing?
Evan and Barty were whispering to one another, apparently engrossed in a conversation about Dorcas Meadowes, a Slytherin girl from fifth year who was apparently their friend. The name rang a bell in Remus’ mind; wasn’t that the girl he’d seen Marlene looking at?
The two boys stopped talking a few seconds later and turned to look at him. “Nah, but you seem lonely and sad, and maybe we can help with that,” it was, surprisingly, Barty who talked. They had never spoken to one another before, with him being a late riser and most of his interactions with the other two boys occurring during breakfast. He simply shrugged when Remus arched his brow at him.
“I’m not lonely and sad,” he replied, almost automatically. The three of them laughed.
“Remus, you’ve been staring at that bit of parchment, motionless, for at least fifteen minutes. It was honestly kind of sad.” Remus looked at Evan and the other boy smiled, brushing his platinum hair away from his face. Remus returned the smile, a little unsure.
“Well, as I was saying,” Barty started, seemingly wanting to continue whatever conversation they’d been having and not caring that Remus was there, “I think that Dorcas and… you know, are a thing.”
“You don’t think she would’ve told us if they were?” Evan asked, twirling his quill in his hand lazily, eyes squarely on Barty.
“If she thought we wouldn’t be accepting, no she wouldn’t,” Barty answered, and Regulus nodded in confirmation while Evan stroked his chin thoughtfully.
Remus looked between the three of them, giving up on understanding their conversation, and then turned to Regulus. “Why?” he asked, simply.
Regulus shrugged, his expression strained, but he seemed to understand what he meant. “You’re our friend, Remus. If the Gryffindor boys are too thick to keep you company, then we will.”
He couldn’t help but smile fondly at Regulus as the other boy blushed and turned to his other two friends, who hadn’t noticed their talk and had continued their debate about Dorcas and some mysterious person Remus was pretty sure was Marlene. He really needed to talk to her and sort that business out.
Things were good, between him and the Marauders, now that the animagi thing was all sorted out and they weren’t shunning him out as before, but knowing he had other people to count on did put a smile on his face. He was also glad that they were unaware of his werewolf status, because it meant they didn’t treat him like anything but a fellow student, even a friend. Even if his head was pounding from Barty’s maniacal laugh, which had Madame Pince looking at them with disapproving eyes, he was glad for the distraction.
The three Slytherin boys continued talking around him, seemingly not bothering to censor their tongues around Remus. He learned a lot of gossip about the Slytherins, and they even let the password to their Common Room slip, a fact that Remus filed in his mind for later use. Oh, that was going to be very useful for the prank they were planning.
He barely noticed it was getting dark until he thankfully checked the clock in the corner of his vision and realized it was almost five-thirty. He had to get going to the infirmary, before Madame Pomfrey burst into the library looking for him, or worse, Sirius did. When he’d left after their last class, he’d promised that he’d be outside to walk him to the infirmary, a gesture that both endeared and offended Remus. He could walk himself to the infirmary, thank you very much, but he knew Sirius wouldn’t stand for that and, besides, he secretly cherished those few minutes they’d spend together, just the two of them.
“I’m not feeling that good, guys. I think I’ll head out to the infirmary” he said, putting the still empty parchment into his bag, alongside his quill and ink, and going to stand up.
Evan stopped the sentence he was saying and turned to look at him. The three of them did. “Want us to go with you?” Regulus asked, scanning Remus as if that way he’d figure out what was troubling him.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure Sirius is out waiting for me anyways” he answered before he had fully formed the thought.
That made Barty scrunch his nose and Regulus tense. “How would he know to be waiting for you?” Barty’s tone was suspicious, and Evan and Regulus seemed to be having a silent conversation with one another, eyes locked intensely. It was something he’d also seen James and Sirius do, and his heart clenched, thinking how similar the two Black brothers were without even trying.
Remus’ brain scrambled for an excuse to give to Barty. “Well, no, I’d told him I’d go with him down to the kitchens right about now, but I don’t think he’ll mind going to the infirmary.” It was a crappy excuse, and Barty’s eyes narrowed at it.
Regulus nodded and broke off his intense stare at Evan to look at Remus instead. Before Barty could say anything, he stood up. “Let’s go, Remus, I want to say hello to my dear brother.” His tone was clipped, almost undecipherable, but Remus knew him well enough to notice the tension in his eyes and shoulders.
“You don’t have to face him if you don’t want to,” Evan said, exasperated, as it was seemingly what they’d been discussing nonverbally, but Regulus shook his head.
“I want to. Let’s go, Remus.” He said, standing up as well and pointing his head in the direction of the exit. Remus did his best to not limp, and Regulus followed him.
They fell into step beside one another. “Your brother doesn’t know we’re, uh… close.” He said, as they were nearing the exit.
Regulus looked at him briefly and then averted his gaze. “Ashamed of me, aren’t you?” Remus sensed the venom behind the words and winced.
“It’s not that. But you know how he can be, about… family.” He tried again. “Lily knows, though, and she’s like, my best friend. I’m not ashamed of you, Regulus, I just don’t want to be in the middle of what you two have going on.”
“He told you, then? What happened this summer?” Regulus’ voice was full of emotion now, something so rare for him Remus had to stop to face him. Regulus’ eyes scanned Remus’ face for any indication, and Remus did the same with the younger boy.
He’d been worried about that, about whatever had made Sirius get out of his house and stay at the Potter’s for the entirety of the summer, but neither James nor Sirius seemed inclined to talk about it and, for once, Hogwarts gossip had not provided any insight into the business of the Black brothers.
“He didn’t, actually. That’s between James and Sirius.” He tried to not sound bitter, he really did, but there was a bit of venom in his voice. He knew the two of them were best friends, the bond between them a little more special than he or Peter could understand, but when it came to stuff like this, stuff that worried him, the fact that they kept secrets between them stung.
Regulus simply nodded in acknowledgment, and they resumed their walk. “Don’t be too bitter to him about it” he said, and his voice was lighter than usual, the love for his brother, even through everything complicated between them, shining. “It was… rough.”
Before Remus could muster up the courage to question him, they found themselves at the entrance to the library. They opened the door and walked through.
Sirius was already there, and breath punched out of Remus at how beautiful he looked. There was nothing particularly remarkable about him that day, it was just him in his uniform, but something about his eyes and hair had Remus pausing to just look. He was leaning against the railway opposite the entrance, twirling his wand in one hand, the map in the other, looking rather bored, and oh, Remus was abruptly reminded of why he liked him so much.
Sirius looked up, looked at Remus, and smiled, the smile lighting his entire face up. A beat later, he saw Regulus beside him, and his smile wavered just the smallest bit, turning a little plastic in his face.
“Hey, Remus. Reggie.” His tone was casual, perhaps a bit too much, and Remus noticed how his hand had tightened around his wand so hard his knuckles were white.
“Hello, Sirius.” Regulus’ posture was tense, his face, eyes, and voice blank. All the liveliness from having been with his friends, gone.
Remus couldn’t stand to see both of his friends like that, so he gave Regulus a small smile that tried to be reassuring and turned to Sirius. “Let’s go, Pads.”
“Are you okay?” Regulus asked before they’d given two steps away from him. Sirius turned to look at his brother, a tense smile on his lips, and opened his eyes, turning slowly around himself.
“As good as you can see,” he answered.
“Pretty fucking awful, then” the corner of Regulus’ lips twitched up the smallest bit, and Sirius burst out laughing. A genuine, surprised laugh that resembled a bark.
“I’ll see you around, Reg,” he said, turning back around and tugging on Remus to follow him.
They walked alongside one another towards the infirmary, in silence. Remus stole glances at the shorter boy, looking for any sign of whatever he was thinking, but there was none.
He’d expected questions, and shouting, maybe even a little anger towards himself when Sirius found out he was friends with Regulus, not… whatever this was. He didn’t know what to say, however, so he remained silent as they walked.
“He was there for you while we were becoming animagi, wasn’t he?” Sirius’ voice was light, but his face was set in stone, looking ahead instead of at Remus. They were almost in the infirmary when he said it.
“I- yeah, he was,” Remus answered, not knowing how to explain himself, but not wanting to lie about it, remembering what he’d said to Regulus mere minutes before. I’m not ashamed of you, and he truly wasn’t. Sirius only nodded, considering that, and they continued forward.
They were in front of the door to the infirmary when Sirius turned to look at him and his expression finally crumpled, a rain of emotions passing through his face so fast Remus couldn’t possibly decipher them all.
“I hate that you have to do this,” he said, voice strained.
That was a sentiment Remus shared, but he didn’t say that aloud. Instead, he tried to give the raven-haired boy a reassuring smile. “I’ll be fine, Pads, I promise.”
“Can I give you a hug?” Sirius’ voice was small, so much so that it didn’t even echo down the long hall.
Remus turned to look at him, his grey eyes averted from Remus’. He wore a troubled expression, something indecipherable in his eyes, churning there.
Sirius knew Remus wasn’t all that big on physical touch. As a kid he may have been, he wasn’t really sure, but after Greyback’s attack, he had never felt too comfortable with it. He and his mum barely hugged each other. It had been a shock at first, getting to Hogwarts and being friends with the Marauders, all of who were big on hugging and light touching. He’d gotten used to group hugs, and causal touches between friends, but still had a hard time with hugging other people one on one. His friends all seemed to respect it, never hugging him without warning and keeping the touching of him to a minimum.
There were only two exceptions to that. One of them was Lily; something about the redhead brought Remus calm, and he couldn’t explain it, but she was one of the only people allowed to hug him without warning. The other one, of course, was Sirius. He’d always been comfortable with the other boy’s touch, even craved it, and hugs were no different. It was something he’d never admit to him, though, so he pretended to be at least a bit uncomfortable with his touch as well.
He only needed to nod his head before Sirius collapsing against Remus, putting his hands around Remus’ waist and pulling him against himself. Remus put his arms around Sirius’ shoulders and squeezed, using his height difference to put his chin atop Sirius’ head, a fraction of the weight on his shoulders leaving him at that moment.
“Are you okay?” he asked, and Sirius simply nodded, as much as he could with his head pressed against Remus’ body, and hugged him tighter.
Merlin, why was Sirius doing this? It was infuriating to him, how he could just make one thing, and have it all be better for Remus with that. Without knowing it, the hug had given Remus everything he needed to be able to face his transformation later that night.
They stayed like that, pressed up against each other until it became too much for Remus. Until his mind started wandering and thinking truly dangerous things, like kissing the top of Sirius’ head, or just kissing him, period. He forced his arms to undo the hold they had around Sirius’ shoulders, taking a small step back. When Sirius lifted his head to look at him, his grey eyes hooded and startingly soft, Remus did his best to smile at him. His arms stayed looped around Remus’ middle and oh, that was doing wonders for him.
“I have to go in now, Pads,” he said, searching Sirius’ eyes for something, anything, that would tell him what the other boy was thinking.
“I know” he answered, his eyes also searching Remus’ face, although he couldn’t figure out what for. “I’ll see you in the Shack, Moons.”
He let his arms fall from where they had looped and Remus had to make an effort not to reel him back in, to just get lost in the sea of their contact. Instead, he smiled weakly at Sirius, and then turned and walked through the infirmary doors without looking back.
“There you are, Mr. Lupin.” Madame Pomfrey, the school’s matron, met him with a tense smile. “Shall we get going, then?”