Glimpses of Grimmauld

A few days had passed since Sirius had first had his nightmare. He had had several in the weeks passing, but found that was easily hidden by casting a silencing spell around his bed nightly. James had tried asking him about it again, but he had swooped over to Peter and started a game of wizarding chess with him, saying he needed his Pete time, which made Peter very happy.  

Remus had watched from a distance, but after no other incidents happened, and Sirius was carrying on as normal, he decided to drop any of the weird thoughts swirling around in his head. 

“We’re gonna watch the match after dinner right?” James asked, for what had to be the eighth time that night. James was bouncing off the walls, literally, after having experimented with a floating potion Sirius had found in the 6th year potions textbook. 

“Yes, of course James.” Remus laughed, throwing a pillow at him, changing his direction that he was floating in. James giggled, and Sirius smiled at the big gap between his two front teeth. Peter threw a second pillow at James, that caught it in his stomach, and was sent back floating through the room, giggling even harder. He threw the pillow at Sirius, and found himself spinning with the momentum from the throw. It hit Sirius in the face, and he laughed too. 

Sirius found himself forgetting at times to sit up straight, and he had found a recent thrill in pulling stupid stunts with James, Remus, and Peter, all of which had turned into his own brilliant mates. 

James had quickly become his best mate. James was loud, Sirius was loud. James was one for adventure, Sirius wanted nothing more than that. Jame was full of fun, light energy. He always held his head high, his chest out, his teeth barred to the world. He had dark messy hair that spiked in all directions, curling wildly in some places and others would just stick straight up. He had a darker olive skin tone, like the color of a coffee with the littlest bit of cream. 

He knew that James’s father had invented a hair calming draught that got wildly popular and made their family wealthy. He was pure, but his family didn’t approve of their lineage, because they were what his father called; “New Money.” He was a bit arrogant at times, he loved to brag about his skills on a broom and swore that if first years were allowed on their own that he would absolutely smoke everyone on the Quidditch pitch. 

Peter was funny, he made them all laugh. Sometimes it was a bit mean, and they’d laugh at him instead of with him. He was a bit slow at times, usually the last to catch onto a joke, but he wasn’t un-intelligent. He was the smartest of the bunch with potions, and was very observant. He often would come to the group with information for pranks, like the other house room passwords, or where certain people would be at certain times. He was a great eavesdropper. 

Peter was half muggle. Sirius felt guilty, finding it a bit difficult at times to shake his parents' views on muggles. Peter’s mother was a witch, but his father was a muggle. But honestly, his curiosity for the muggle world made him only want to get closer to Pete. Remus too, who was also a half-blood. 

Remus only lived with his mom, Hope. He never said what happened to his dad. So he was very involved in the muggle world, raised almost entirely muggleborn. Sirius felt a bit bad for Remus at times. He always seemed to be a little sickly. Remus was tall and lanky, He had a mousey brown mess of hair and a sort of crooked nose. He had scars too, he noted. He had brown eyes, and long light lashes. His lips were always a little chapped, but Sirius thought he looked somewhat like a doll, pale and porcelain with a few cracks around the edges. 

He really liked them. He enjoyed their company, and they had even started to pull pranks on people. Their main targets had been the Slytherins, as they liked to torment Sirius for being a “blood traitor”, Peter and Remus for having muggle blood. None of them decided to take it. Peter and Remus, although both being more on the timid side, refused to stand down and helped formulate the devious plans to keep them foolproof and airtight. 

Sirius laughed, as Pete and Remus both threw pillows at James, sending him giggling, spinning into his bed frame. He held onto the banister, and tried to pull himself down. 

“I can’t go to dinner like this!” He whined. “I’ll float to the top and won’t come down!” 

“Well, you’ll come down ‘ventually.” Pete said, “Just might be a quick fall and a hard thump.” 

James groaned and Sirius giggled. 

“You could carry a bludger around in your bag to weigh you down.” Remus offered. Sirius barked a laugh. 

“I could go nick one from downstairs, I reckon you could help me make it calm down, right Pete?” Sirius said, nudging Peter’s shoulder. Peter nodded, and the two left. 

“Honestly it might work,” Remus said. James rolled his eyes. 

“How long till the potion wears off? Will I be like this at the quidditch match?” he asked. Remus thought for a bit. 

“I think for a few hours. So, maybe.” Remus cringed. James paled. 

“Mate that’s outside, I’ll fly away!” James squawked. Remus laughed. James groaned. 

“It’s not funny!” He protested. Remus laughed anyway. 

—-- 

Sirius and Pete were walking down the stairs. 

“Immobulus should work on a bludger, right?” Sirius asked. Peter nodded. 

“Should.” 

The pair tip-toed, the common room was empty, as they were already late for dinner. There was a quidditch set anyone could grab and use for fun, and included was a bludger. You were only supposed to open it outside, but right now they needed it. 

Sirius lifted the lid and the bludger fought against the leather straps. His pale long fingers traced over the buckle, twitching the same as the bludger. He got his wand out, Pete keeping watch. 

“Immobulus” He cast, pointing his wand at the bludger. It’s shaking didn’t stop, but it slowed, so Sirius unbuckled the strap. Shit- he shouldn’t have. It shot up quickly, shooting across the room and into the dorms where he heard a crash and a yell. The two boys flinched, cringing. 

Pete started running upstairs, but Sirius found himself tripping over his feet, still feeling tight after flinching. His shoulders were tense. They burst into the dorm, and James was clutching his nose, his glasses on the ground, him still floating in the air. Remus was on the ground, having wrestled the bludger to the floor and properly immobilizing it. Sirius looked around the room and realized the mess the bludger had made. James’ glasses were broken on the ground, and he was still clutching his nose in the air. There was a picture frame broken, and the curtains knocked out of the window. The whole room had been trashed, he had made a mess. Remus sat up pantinig, holding onto the now still bludger. 

“I got it.” He huffed, waddling awkwardly with the weight over to James’ bag. He rolled it in, and slung it on his shoulder, waiting for James. 

James was still clutching his nose. His eyes were watering, and Remus paused. 

“Mate, did you get glass in your eye?” He asked. 

Sirius’s lungs sputtered, and he coughed. Suddenly, he realized he couldn’t breathe. What had he done? His heart was pounding, he desperately wanted to take a breath but couldn’t get his lungs to respond. His hands started to shake, his legs started to tingle. He had made such a mess, he had broken James’s glasses, tore up the room, he had hurt James. 

He whimpered, trying to breathe, but it wasn’t working. 

“Hey, Sirius mate, what’s going on?” Peter asked. Sirius couldn’t answer him, his chest pounding too hard for him to even stutter a word out. Remus was tending to James. 

Sirius held his breath, trying hard to steady himself. 

“I can’t- I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.” He managed. He gasped, clawing at the neckline of his clothing. 

“Did somethin’ happen?” Peter asked, still baffled as to why Sirius was so panicked. 

“I made a mess.” Sirius sobbed again, more apologies following. 

“Sirius, mate, I have no idea what you’re talking about, it was the bludger.” Peter told him, his voice gentle. Sirius shook his head. 

“My spell, Didn’t work.” he breathed, gasping between words. His eyes stung, and his chest felt fluttery. There were spots in his vision. Was he hyperventilating? 

“Sirius, you’ve gotta breathe.” Peter instructed. 

“C-Can’t” Sirius choked. “I’m so sorry.” he said. Peter shook his head. 

“My fault, the mess, I can clean it.” Sirius started, picking up the broken picture frame on the ground. The glass was jagged, and cut his palm. 

“Learn to control yourself, Sirius.” His mother instructed. Sirius kneeled in his kitchen. His knees bled, shards of glass embedded in them. He had dropped a glass while filling it, and as his punishment he needed to kneel in it for an hour before picking it up. His knees were still scarred to this day. 

He couldn’t breathe, and sat back, staring at his palm. A tender voice sang in his ear next to him. 

“Sirius, it’s ok, mate.” He heard Peter’s voice. Peter had taken his own hands in his, and he realized how much they stung. He stared at Peter, shocked, eyes wide. 

“We can fix it Sirius, you didn’t do nothin to apologize for.” Peter said again. He let go of Sirius’s hands, and grabbed his wand. 

“Reparo” He instructed, and the picture frame went back together. 

“See, mate? Right as rain.” Peter said again, doing the same spell on a busted trunk hinge. SIrius’s chest still felt numb, he felt awkward and tight. He scanned the room, still seeing how Pete glanced at him with worried eyes. 

Remus was mending James’s glasses, and James was still floating, this time upside down so no blood from his nose would drip to the carpet. 

“Are you ok, James?” Sirius blurted from the floor. James looked over, squinting and wincing a little. 

“Yeah, I’m all good. A tad sore, but nothin’ I can’t handle. Besides, when I’m actually playin’ quidditch I’m gonna be taking worse bludgers.” James chirped back optimistically. Sirius just stared, dumbfounded. 

His nervous system was still running on high, he was waiting for the inevitable screaming. He made such a mess, things were broken and strewn everywhere. It had been his fault, yet no one was yelling. He jumped a little when he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Remus. 

“You alright, Sirius?” He asked. Sirius saw something in Remus’s eyes. There was an idea behind them, Remus was trying to figure something out. He felt like he was being studied. 

“I’m fine. You?” He asked. Remus nodded. 

“I’m good.” 

A beat of silence bounced between the two boys as Sirius picked at the little cuts on his  fingers. Remus noticed this, and grabbed his hands. 

“Sirius, when’d you do this?” He asked, quickly running to the bathroom and grabbing a damp cloth. He came back out and started to dab at all the little cuts. In all honesty, Sirius had almost forgotten about them. 

“They’re little enough, I just nicked em up a bit on the picture frame.” He explained, not thinking much of it. “I’m sorry I busted up the room.” Sirius apologized again. He heard a splitting sound and looked up, but it was only James somehow managing to make the curtains a more difficult task than needed. 

“There’s nothing to apologize for, the bludger got loose.” Remus told him. 

“Yeah, because my spell didn’t work.” Sirius argued. 

“Neither did mine, I had to wrestle it.” Remus argued back. Sirius felt his face get red. He hated that about himself, and his Black bloodline. They were all so horribly pale, it was obvious when he was flustered or embarrassed. 

“Can someone hand me the bloody bludger already? I want to get some dinner before the match tonight!” James whined from the ceiling. Remus smiled, patting Sirius’s back, before grabbing the heavy bag and lifting it up as high as he could, James barely being able to grab the strap from his floating height. 

Sirius watched and all the boys giggled as James awkwardly floated down, and took some even more awkward steps. He sort of bounced in between them, and if he wasn’t careful and set the bag down somewhere not on him, he would float away as the ball stayed on the ground. It was awfully funny, but less so at the quidditch pitch. Remus, Sirius, and Peter all had to focus on holding him down, as apparently screaming at the games was more important than making sure he stayed on the ground. While they all screamed, shouted, and panicked when james’s feet would lift, the thing that Sirius did the most that game was laugh. 

Towards the end of the match however, James had come down. By the time they got back to the dorm, he was walking with both feet flat again. 

Remus came up behind Sirius as they entered the dorm.

“Pete told me bout your bout ‘of nerves earlier.” He whispered, so only Sirius could hear him. Sirius felt shame and guilt well up in his gut. ‘Bout of nerves’ sounded right pathetic. 

“Are you ok?” Remus asked. Sirius didn’t know how to respond. Of course he was. How ridiculous had Peter have to be to tell Remus he was freaking out? He hadn’t been. He had made a mess and was expecting the results is all. 

But his mother wasn’t here. So it was a tad foolish, he supposed. But it’s not like his mother made him panic, just the idea of getting in trouble. Which would've happened with any adult. Not just his mother.

Right? 

 It was only foolish because he was with his friends, there were no adults to punish them. He hadn’t realized he had been so lost in thought until Remus was snapping in front of his face. 

“Sirius,” he said. Sirius looked back up. 

“S-sorry.” He said. “I’m ok.” He finally answered. Remus looked at him skeptically. 

“If you say so.” He said. Sirius nodded. Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bronze tin. “This is for quick healing cuts.” He said, grabbing Sirius’s hand and quickly putting it in his palm. He backed up, and started to walk away. 

“Get some sleep, the match went late and we have introduction to Hogwarts in the morning at 7.” He added quickly, and bustled away to his own bed, avoiding eye contact for the rest of the night. 

Sirius flipped the little bronze tin over in his hand. He recognized the brand, although he swore they usually came in silver packaging. He slipped it under his pillow before getting ready for bed. 

After finishing up, and crawling under his blankets, he did his usual routine of drawing the curtains and placing his silencing charm. His hands itched, and still stung from the cuts from the picture frame. He reached under his pillow and grabbed the cream Remus had given him. Wincing to open it, he twisted it off with a final sting of his fingers. Scooping the scream out in small bits, he spread it over his fingers and hands, melting into the cool numbing of the cream. He could see the cuts slowly closing and could feel the stinging going down. 

Thank you, Remus. He thought. 

He laid his head on his pillow, and closed his eyes. 

He had made a mess. He didn’t get in trouble. 

He made a mess and still could have a fun day after. 

He made a mess and it was ok. 

—--