Glimpses of Grimmauld

Remus had a good nose. Well, great ears, a great nose, and great eyes. Pinpoint. But an especially good nose. 

“You lot smell that?” He asked one night. A few weeks had passed since the last fiasco, and it had been mostly forgotten, and the boys had been nearing the end of their first term, Christmas break would be starting soon. It was late, all the boys laying in their beds on their stomachs, facing the middle of the room. 

This was typical for them, they’d lie like this and talk for hours till they hear Mrs. Norris scratching at the dorm door. 

“Smell what, mate?” James asked, pushing his glasses up by scrunching his nose. He took a deep sniff. “I don’t smell anything.” 

“Did you fart, Remus?” Sirius asked, giggling. Remus felt his face get bright. 

“N-no!” He stuttered, quickly propping himself on his elbows and waving his hands in denial. Sirius giggled again. 

“Yeah, Remus, whoever smelt it dealt it.” James added. Remus’s face burned even more. 

“NO!” He insisted, falling backwards and throwing his pillow over his face. He removed it for a second, “I just thought I smelled something.” He mumbled, and then proceeded to try and smother himself again. 

“Aw look, Sirius, you got him all embarrassed.” James teased. He heard Sirius giggling. Remus felt he was going to die. 

“Remussss,” Sirius drug out from the other bed. Remus groaned loudly into the pillow, and pushed it further into his face. 

Suddenly there was a weight thrown onto his bed, and he sat up panicked realizing the severity of his situation. Throwing his pillow, he let out a quick curse, and tried to move, but his awkward, long, gangly limbs only got in the way. 

He wasn’t quick enough to dodge a giggle-hyper Sirius, James, and Peter, who all jumped to dog pile on top of him, effectively knocking the wind out of his lungs. They all landed with various ‘oomph’s and screams, except for Remus who let out an awkward, voice crack filled squak, which elicited nothing but laughs from all four of the boys. 

“Only teasin’ Remus.” Peter giggled, sitting up regularly. 

James moved off of Remus’s chest and leaned on the bedpost at the foot. Sirius shimmied awkwardly after having been smushed into Remus’s chest under James. Remus noticed his ears were pink. His face was red, but so was Peter’s, who turned into a tomato any time he laughed. 

Sirius laid back with his head on James’ lap, and extended his legs back onto Remus’s. Remus felt his chest get hot. He wasn’t the biggest fan of touch. He felt silent eyes on him for his response. 

The boys knew about his apprehension after a funny moment when James (very touchy) had grabbed onto him to keep him upright while he laughed, (James was very animated while laughing) and Remus panicked, and quickly side stepped, resulting in one James Potter landing very flat on his face and popping a lense out of his glasses. Remus had apologized so many times Sirius swore his face actually turned blue. 

James didn’t care, and the guys had been really understanding about it, and made sure they kept it to a minimum. They still of course would dogpile on him, or give him friendly punches, but they got off quickly, and never punched hard. Remus never minded that. 

Remus wanted to shift his legs away from Sirius, he felt nervous. He looked over, and Sirius looked just as scared, eyes flickering from where his legs were to Remus’s eyeline, trying to pretend like he wasn’t looking, testing his boundaries. Remus looked at the clock. It was a little past midnight. He was alone with his friends. He had no reason to be scared, right? 

He looked at how casually Sirius was laid on James. James didn’t care. Remus didn’t think James really cared about anything, he was very unbothered. And Sirius had definitely taken a liking to James, and in all honesty the two made a very intimidating duo. They’d do anything just for the hell of it, and saw the punishments as just how much it’d cost to do something. 

There was no reason to be scared. So, he shifted, leaning further back into his own pillows, and let Sirius’s legs stay. Sirius’s eyes sparkled suddenly, and he threw his arms out wide. 

“Lads, I’ve been struck by brilliance.” He announced proudly. James laughed, shoving him off of his lap. His legs had moved off of Remus after being shoved, and Remus was quietly relieved. That had been enough. 

“Did it strike you hard? In the head?” Pete asked. Sirius stuck his tongue out while the other boys laughed, James had even wiped his eyes. Sirius elbowed him. 

“No.” He drawled dramatically. “We should get dungbombs and stink something up.” 

—------ 

His idea had come to him and it had been brilliant. He wasn’t sure how they’d get them, or where they’d put them, but it seemed like it’d be really, really funny.

“Oh, come on, it’d be loads of fun.” He said. “My cousin once got a bunch and let them out during a family Christmas dinner.” 

He didn’t tell them the results of that prank. Andromeda had been beaten so hard she couldn’t move from the dining room. But when she had managed her way back, Sirius went up to her room. He had tried to get Reggie, but he wouldn’t answer his door. He knocked lightly, and Andromeda opened it, still looking as beat as she had earlier. 

Sirius remembered what he had asked her. 

“Was it worth it?”  He had said it out of frustration. 

“They stained the table runners.” She replied, smiling with pride. 

But this wasn’t then, and his family wasn’t here. Besides, dungbombs? The worst that they get is detention. That was nothing. 

“Where would we get them?” James asked. 

“Zonkos sells them.” Peter parried. 

“We can’t go to Hogsmeade though.” James retorted. 

“We could order them, maybe?” Remus offered. 

“By owl?” Asked Pete. 

“Can’t use my owl, my parents would kill me.” Sirius huffed, crossing his arms. “They sent my last owl I sent them back with the letter still attached, they wouldn’t let it deliver anything.” 

He felt a pair of eyes on him. While James and Peter were talking about if James’ mother would let them use the owl to order dungbombs, Sirius looked up to see the corners of Remus’s eyes looking at him. Was it something he had said? 

“We can use mine, if my mom or dad ask I’ll tell them it’s for a project to make an anti-stink potion or something.” James said, snapping Sirius from his questions. 

“I have one of the magazines, I can go grab it.” Pete said, getting up and going to his bed, tip toe-ing because it was late at night. Sirius flinched when he paused walking past his bed. 

He hadn’t shoved it all under all the way. Pete might see. 

But Peter continued and grabbed his “Zonko's” magazine and hopped back onto Remus’s bed. They giggled, writing down their order and planning when to send it off the next day. From there they’d talk about who and when to dispose of them onto. The plan was in place, operation dungbombs was going to happen. 

When they all went back and curled under their covers, Sirius had almost forgot about what he had under his bed. 

—------

However, Remus didn’t forget the smell he had smelled earlier, it was a bit impossible for him to forget any smell, really. Which was why the smell had stuck out to him in the first place because it had been the smell of dinner a few nights ago. Slightly older, less appetizing for sure, possibly still safe, but still dinner from a few nights ago. 

What had that been from? His nose had never been wrong, so what was it? He turned over in his bed. And what Sirius had said. 

“They sent my last owl I sent them back with the letter still attached.”

Had they not read his letters? He had noticed Sirius had a suspiciously small amount of mail, and what he did get he never let anyone see. 

“Private matters with private people” He’d say. 

Sirius was a very private person, which struck Remus as odd. Sirius was so loud, very boisterous, and very intelligent. He noticed when Sirius would pick up on things, even if Remus himself didn’t notice something. Sirius seemed to hear things just as quickly as Remus, able to laser in and tell a sound in a split second. 

He could tell the difference between the Prefect's footsteps and any other students, and he knew the professors' steps by heart when they were hiding in the corridors, and it had only been a few weeks. 

But when it came to things from home, he was very private. Remus guessed it came from living in such an aristocratic household. Or maybe it was just because he was French, either way, he was very reserved. Especially with adults, he spoke about his parents formally and almost in a professional way. His parents weren’t necessarily politicians, but they might as well have been. He never shared many memories from back home, and never complained about missing it. 

Sometimes Remus saw a look in his eye that made him wonder, moments when there’s a glint in his eye where he looks caged. A wild animal that had been put into a crate. Even if the crate was a mansion, with how big of a soul Sirius was, no pillars or 20 foot stained glass windows could make it any less of a cage. Now that they’re at Hogwarts Sirius had more freedom, but once in a while Remus could swear that he could see that cage in Sirius’s eyes. 

He saw it earlier, when he had his legs resting on Remus. But why then? There was no reason then. 

He was too tired to think about that, the full moon was in two weeks, and it’d be his last before winter break. He fell asleep to anxious thoughts about how it would go. 

—------ 

The next morning, the boys billowed out of bed as usual. Sirius put on his robes as usual, but took his charms book out of his bag. He set it under his pillow so the other boys didn’t see him taking it out. He was making room, he wanted to grab a little extra today, Remus’s eyes were a little darker under than usual, and Sirius figured he might be getting sick. So it didn’t hurt to get a bit of a stash. 

“Sirius, come on!” James groaned. 

“I’m coming.” Sirius groaned back, tossing his bag over his shoulder and following after James, who had been waiting up for him. 

“I’m starving, mate.” James whined. 

“Me too.” Sirius lied. He wasn’t hungry at all. He never was in the mornings, honestly, it made him nauseous. He typically just went with coffee and nibbled on toast, Remus wasn’t a big breakfast person either so it wasn’t too odd, and quickly was moved past. 

Sirius realized that Remus and Peter must’ve been really far ahead because he couldn’t see them even after they left Gryffindor tower. 

“Jeez, were they running?” He asked. James nodded. 

“Yeah, they went to save us seats, apparently all charms classes were cancelled so all the morning charms students are at breakfast right now.” James explained. 

“Oh, shoot, I’m sorry.” He apologized, feeling guilty. He didn’t mean to make them late, or make them run. But, James was the fastest out of all of them, why didn’t he run down? 

“Don’t apologize, mate.” James said. There was a beat of no talking as they had to squeeze quickly to get on the staircase before it moved away from the platform. 

“I’ve been meanin’ to ask, Sirius,” James started. “Erm” He was hesitating. “Are you ok?” 

Sirius almost stopped walking, he giggled, his lips spread to a wide grin, his canines were very pronounced. James had pointed it out once and described it, ‘that’s sick mate!’. Ever since then he barred them loudly. 

“Mate, are you being real right now? Of course.” it seemed like a ridiculous question, Why wouldn’t he be ok? Nothing had happened. But Sirius looked up, and James looked serious. Sirius’s smile fell. He gulped, his pointy addams apple bobbing. 

“I’m just checking, Peter asked how you were and I was confused and he said you freaked out about the bludger thing and figured I knew, but I had no idea.” James explained. Sirius felt a hotness pool in his stomach. Pettigrew needed to stop telling everyone his business. And James needed to stay out of it. Wether these boys were his only friends or not, he didn’t want to share some parts of his lives with them. He barely knew them, in reality, he had only met them in school a few weeks ago. 

“Jeez, he just loves that story doesn’t he.” Sirius mumbled. “But yeah, I’m fine, I just, thought I hurt you is all.” 

“I was fine.” James said. “I don’t think that was it.” He said. 

“It was.” Sirius barked back. What was James doing? He was getting way too personal. He didn’t get to just question him like that. Sirius realized he did stop walking. 

“I’m all good, let’s just get to breakfast, Merlin.” Sirius said, walking again and shouldering past James and into the great hall. He quickly found Peter and Remus and went and sat next to them. 

“Morning Remus, morning Peter.” He said, distracted, sitting down. He poured himself a cup of coffee and added his sugars. He reached for a stirrer spoon across the table and hovered over the basket of freshly baked breakfast biscuits and tucked two into his robe sleeves, before grabbing the stirrers and mixing his coffee. He held his breath until he realized neither of them had seen anything. He slipped them from his sleeve to his robe pocket. 

James came in and sat back down next to him. 

Fuck. He didn’t think he’d be able to hide it from James if he tried again right next to him. He sighed, stirring his coffee. 

He’d try again at lunch. 

—--------------------

The next days came and went, the dungbomb order was sent out and said to arrive in 3-4 business weeks. That news had come as a tragedy to Sirius and James, who had hyped the idea up so much that finding out they’d have to wait weeks was a nightmare. 

One night, Pete spoke up. It was him, and Remus only, James and Sirius were downstairs throwing exploding snaps into the fire and hearing them pop with a louder bang than typical. 

“Yannow, Remus, I do think I smell something actually, you think something's dead in the wall?” he piped up. Remus looked up from the book he had been reading. He took a sniff, however, his nose was rather stuffy, so he couldn’t really smell anything as the fever he typically got approaching the moon started to set in. 

“Not sure.” He sniffed. “Can’t smell much of anything right now.” He admitted. 

“Are you getting sick again?” Pete asked, concerned. Remus just nodded. 

“Gee, I’m sorry mate, I swear you always wind up catching' something.” He said apologetically. 

“It’s alright.” Remus said, looking back down at his book. 

—----

The next day he had opted to miss breakfast and his first two classes, as he had a pretty killer headache. Most of his congestion was gone, but it had all built up to a pressure between his eyes, splitting his skull down the middle. The boys had been reluctant to leave, but James picked up on his need for silence and had dragged Pete and Sirius out, who had wanted to stay the day and play doctor. 

He appreciated the sentiment, but he feared that would only be worse. If smiling didn’t make it feel like his skin was splitting, he’d smile at how ‘mother hen’ James would get at times, looping Sirius under the arms and literally having to drag him places, or sitting them down and scolding them on the common room couch. 

But right now, he just buried his head under the blankets and pillows, trying to ebb away the pounding ache behind his eyes. 

He must’ve drifted back to sleep because he woke up a few hours later to the sound of something clinking on his nightstand. He stuck his head up, flinching as he peeled his eyes open. Sirius stared back at him, eyes wide and nervous to have been caught. 

“Wuzzis?” Remus slurred, sitting up. 

“I um, food for you.” Sirius stuttered. “You missed breakfast and lunch, figured you might be hungry when you woke up.”

Remus sniffed, trying to smell what it was. He smelled carrots, mashed potatoes, ham that was a bit sour, chicken that smelled golden, and chocolate pudding, which he had gotten at every dinner. He opened his eyes in confusion, dinner hadn’t happened yet, and peering at the plate, there was no ham. 

Then what had he smelled? 

“Oh, thank you.” He said, sitting up. Genuinely, he was grateful, he didn’t feel the ache in his stomach till he smelled what Sirius had brought him. 

“I’m sorry for waking you.” Sirius whispered, turning to tiptoe away. He seemed nervous, for some reason. 

“It’s ok.” Remus said, eyes still aching. 

“I’ll leave you be.” Sirius whispered again. Remus blinked heavily, trying to clear the sleepy confusion from his brain. When he opened his eyes, Sirius was gone. 

How odd. 

He ate only a bit, his stomach cramping with every bite. Eventually, he gave up and just put it back on his nighttable. His head hit his pillow and in a few minutes he was almost asleep again. 

The door creaked again. Remus didn’t bother looking this time. He was too tired, his stomach hurt from eating (although he knew he needed to) and his head was still being an issue. The steps came up again to his bedside, and he heard the plate being lifted. Remus was too curious. 

He cracked an eye, it was Sirius again, cleaning up the plate. He’d thank him later, do his homework or something to make up for it, but right now he was just too tired. He fell back into sleep a few moments later. 

—-- 

Seeing all the food that Remus had left made Sirius’s stomach churn. It wasn’t Remus’s fault, he knew that he was sick. But he felt guilty seeing all of it left on the plate. He never left any food on his plate. If for whatever reason he couldn’t eat all of it, he’d hide it in napkins or slip plates to his lap, and sneak them from the dining room and save them for later. He could only eat at meals, so he had to make it count. 

Besides, meals were used as punishments, and if you missed a meal you got nothing else. He figured that made sense, going to bed without dinner wasn’t too atypical, James had complained about how his parents wouldn’t let him leave the table, so it made sense for his mother to take it away. 

There were quite a few meals missed in the years. Him and Reggie had caught on quickly to how to sneak food, and would often save stuff for the other when one was punished. 

He didn’t like talking about Reg, well, Reg didn’t like to be talked about. He hated attention, Sirius loved it. This worked out great for them, especially when it came time for big family gatherings. Sirius would be grand, and Reggie would hide, and when it came time to lick the wounds of Sirius’s grandiosity, Sirius would find him. 

Besides, it wasn’t like the Black family lineage was a secret, it’s not like they tried to hide their youngest son. And next year when his name would be called, everyone would wait in anticipation to see if he followed his brother or his bloodline, and everyone would be on their seats waiting to hear where exactly Regulus Black would be sorted. Till then, nobody except Sirius needed to worry about him. 

Sirius tiptoed up and grabbed the plate. He had waited until Remus had fallen back asleep, and he was grateful to have not woken him up a second time. He made his way back to his own bed, and drew the curtains and cast a silencing charm just to make sure he didn’t wake Remus. 

He tucked the plate under his bed, and slid it far back up to his headboard that it was hidden. There were a few other plates there, some empty, others with various portions of different meals from the past few days. He never kept anything for more than four days, as he didn’t want it to start smelling. It had gotten close before, as Remus had a frustratingly strong nose. 

He didn’t know why he still hid food. It’s not like he was limited at meals anymore, he could eat however much he wanted to at dinner without restriction, but he had already broken so many Black family values, the least he could do is maintain his class and not “overindulge” at meals. Small portions would do. If his stomach wasn’t making noise, then he wasn’t hungry. 

So little portions, and bits and pieces throughout the day from his secret stash. It worked, it was his system. It was normal. Everyone hid things from their parents.

Everyone had secrets. 

Sirius’s stomach growled again. He ignored it and left the room to go find James. 

—------- 

Remus didn’t leave the room the next day either. He was feeling worse and worse, and realized how much he missed having his mother there to help him feel better. She was gentle, her hands were kind, his bed was softer. James acted like a mother hen, but he still was an eleven year old boy and didn’t quite know how to help when people were sick, although he had been picking up quickly what seemed to help. 

“You’re really not feeling well mate, are you?” Sirius asked him that morning. 

“No.” He said, frustrated. “Leave it.” He didn’t mean to snap, but he didn’t care to control himself when he was only a few days away from the moon. He was miserable. 

Sirius had only replied with a quiet apology, and had slipped out so silently Remus hadn’t heard him leave. He regretted it, knowing that Sirius got quiet after someone raised their voice. He was too tired, however, his body exhausted. Sleep pulled him under, but not stong, he couldn’t quite get to sleep. And after about forty minutes of lying pitifully, he couldn’t take it anymore. 

There had been a smell in the room that had been making him nauseous. He didn’t know what it was, but it was sickening. He tried hard to ignore it, but he couldn’t. He tried breathing through his sheet, but he could still smell it. It smelled rotten, there was something that had to be rotting. Remus couldn’t take it anymore, he sat up, wincing at the ache in his bones from going from laying to sitting up. 

He took a few deep breaths, and stood up, trying his best to keep his stomach from turning inside out. He was too tired to look for the smell, so he just went down to the common room. James and Peter were down there, sitting at a table with books and scrolls strewn out, as well as a few people in the common room. But no Sirius. Was he really still upset from him snapping earlier? 

“Oi! Remus, all good?” James asked across the room. Remus shrugged, walking over and sitting down. He put his head on the table and groaned. 

“I feel like shit.” He said. “I think I might go to Pomfrey tomorrow if it doesn’t go away.” He told them, trying to come up with some kind of scapegoat as to why he’d have to be missing for the next few days. 

It should only be a day in the nurse-wing, the next day the moon, and then he should be back the day after next. If he’d already been feeling shit, then a few day hospital wing visit wouldn’t be too suspicious. When it starts to happen once a month, forever till they graduate, it might be a bit harder. But for now, it was his best bet. 

James just hummed in response. Remus peeked, that was atypical, usually he was very attentive and would be asking way more questions. James was staring at something. He followed his eyeline and realized it was a someone. 

It had been one of the girls on the couch, Remus believed her name had been Rose? Violet? No- it was Lily. She had Dark red hair that sat just past her shoulders, her face was pale and freckled. She sat with a book on her lap, and hand under her chin, elbow on the arm of the big sofa, propping herself up. She seemed to have fallen asleep. 

“Hey, do you reckon someone should wake her?” James asked, in a trance. Remus looked back at him confused, Peter looked just as confused. 

“I dunno, if she’s sleeping I’d let her.” Pete said. “B’sides, girls are scary.” James nodded. 

“Guess.” is all he said, still staring at her. Remus and Peter exchanged glances again, and Remus rolled his eyes, instantly regretting it and wincing with the sting it brought. 

“You sure you don’t just wanna go now, Remus?” Peter asked. “To Pomfrey’s” he clarified, although it didn’t need the clarification. 

“I’m sure.” he replied, he wasn’t sure if an extra day would be too suspicious, besides he had a high pain tolerance. 

“We can help you back up to the dorms.” James offered, his attention back after realizing how much pain his friend was in. 

“No, it’s alright, it smells in there.” Remus groaned, burying his face in his arms. 

“It smells?” James asked. “Well, like a bit but I just thought that was me ‘cause I hadn’t showered since monday.” He said. 

“Mate, it’s thursday.” Pete grimaced. 

“What!?” James asked indignantly, Remus flinched at the slight rise in volume. James had a rather squeaky voice. “Sorry.” He apologized. 

“No, there’s something in there that stinks and I can’t handle it. It's been making me nauseous.” Remus said. “Smells rotten.” 

James and Pete looked at each other. 

“We’ll go find it, you stay here and relax.” Pete said, James nodded. He took off his robe, leaving him just in his pants and button up, and he balled it up and gave it to Remus. 

“Pillow!” he said, flashing his gap tooth in a wide smile. Remus couldn’t help a slight grin, and took it gratefully, putting his head back down and waiting. 

He had fallen asleep at the table, because a few minutes later, Peter came down, nudging his arm. 

“Uhm, Remus, I’m so sorry to bother you, but uhm, we found the smell but you might wanna come up, I’m so sorry, we’re not sure what to do, I’m so sorry.” He kept apologizing. Remus sat up confused. 

“What is it?” he asked. Peter looked nervous. “What, Pete?” Remus asked again, waking up quicker with concern. He had an odd feeling. Uneasy. 

“Just come up.” he said. Remus followed, stepping through the vertigo and praying he didn’t fall. 

James was nervously pacing the room when the two boys got up. 

“What’s going on?” Remus asked. 

“Well, we found the smell.” James said. 

“Yeah, and?” Remus asked, sitting on his bed. 

“Well it was under Sirius’s bed.” James said, hands running through his hair. He did it often, but now Remus realized it must be his nervous tic. Remus hadn’t seen James this stressed before. What was under Sirius’s bed? Something dead? 

“Well what was it?” Remus asked, running out of patience. 

“It’s food, like from a weeks worth of meals we think.” James blurted out. Remus just stared confused. 

“He’s been hiding food, Remus.” James said. James looked like he was about to cry. He ran his hands through his hair again. Pete bit his nails. 

“Yeah I got that much.” Remus retorted, a little rudely. James didn’t take any offense. 

“He doesn’t eat much at meals, and we’ve never seen him eating any of this.” James continued. “We’re just a little worried and wonder if we should say something.” James was holding his breath in an attempt to keep himself looking tall and unshaken, but Remus could tell that he was scared. 

Remus wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t even know where Sirius was right now. He felt awful, his joints ached, his head hurt, being in that room made him nauseous again. 

“I- I’ll-” He started. He wasn’t sure what to say. “I’ll go look for him.” Is what wound up coming out of his mouth. James and Peter side eye’d each other. Remus was getting sick of that. But he knew that it was just because they were worried about him going out while sick. 

“We’ll come with you.” Peter offered. Remus thought back to the animal in the cage that lived in Sirius’s eyes. He didn’t know if Sirius wanted Peter and James to see that part of him. 

“No-” He blurted out. “I mean, what if he feels like we’re ganging up on him?” he saved. 

“I guess, should we split up to look?” James countered. Remus shook his head. 

“I’ll look for him, I uh,” He felt his face get hot. “I kinda snapped at him earlier and I think that’s why he went AWOL.” 

“Oh, well, if he’s all up in it like that then he’d probably be in the astronomy tower.” James said. “It’s his favorite hiding spot.” 

Remus stood back up, and started out the door before James or Pete could offer to go with again. He wanted to make this quick. He was too tired. 

“I’ll find him, you two go back to your papers.” he said, letting the door shut behind him. 

After he left Gryffindor tower, he was overcome with a boulder of nausea rolling in his gut. It was different though, this wasn’t a lycanthropic symptom, this was something else. A deep dread was in his stomach, anxiety in his chest. There had to be some reason for Sirius to be hiding food. And that feeling in his gut was telling him it wasn’t something good. 

—--------

Sirius was in fact in the astronomy tower. He had been there for a few hours. It was quiet up there, and typically peaceful, unless there was an ill tempered bird that really didn’t like dark hair. (Which Sirius definitely didn’t have to fight off with his first year potions text.) Despite it being nearly December, and Christmas just around the corner, he didn’t feel that cold. He was used to cold places. 

He had been upset earlier, feeling rather shaky and guilty after bothering Remus when he felt so ill. He only wanted to help, but he didn’t mean to hurt him. Now he was fine, and was working on an essay that he had been procrastinating. He was getting rather bored and his thoughts started to drift from arithmancy to how to get the dungbombs into the slytherin basement. 

He was up to a genius idea when he snapped up to the sound of Remus’s footsteps on the stairs. What was he doing here? Why wasn’t he resting? 

Sirius was standing when Remus came in. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked, confusion clearly in his voice. 

“Looking for you.” Remus answered. Sirius felt an unease twinge in his throat.

 Why? Had he done something? Was something wrong? 

“What’s up?” He asked. “I’ve just been doing arithmancy.” Sirius gulped, as Remus 

“You been alright, Sirius?” Remus asked. He almost laughed. Remus looking half like stepped in. He was moving slowly, his arms crossed and held tightly to himself, hands in his armpits, he looked like he was cold. Sirius thought stupidly after that he probably was, it was late November. death asking him if he was alright? Maybe something had gone wrong. 

“Yeeaaahhh?” he drug out. “Did somethin’ happen? Why are you up anyways? You should be in bed.” Sirius insisted. Remus shouldn’t be out, he’d been feeling rubbish for days and looked like he could drop at any moment. Remus shifted on his feet. Sirius nodded back to where his stuff was, and the two walked over and sat down. Remus used the wall to help himself to the ground. Sirius’s face reddened as Remus sat down so close, he could feel their robes brushing. 

“Sirius” Remus said again. Sirius hummed in confusion. His chest had started to feel fluttery, he hated that feeling. He felt like something was wrong, like he was about to get in trouble. He recognized the tone in Remus’s voice. He had done something, and he was about to get in trouble. His hands started to shake, so he tucked them between his legs.

“What?” Sirius asked, his tone getting defensive. He still avoided Remus’s eyeline. 

“We erm, well, me James and Pete, were worried a bit.” Remus said. Sirius’s neck went cold and a shiver went down his spine. 

“What do you mean?” He asked. His teeth almost buzzed with nerves. 

“Well, you see, under your bed-” Remus’s words were drowned out by a deep ringing, 

Fuck.  

—----------

Remus knew Sirius wasn’t going to take it well, he could see panic in his eyes before he had even said something. But Remus didn’t even finish his sentence before he saw Sirius’s eyes stare somewhere beyond where he was looking. The paler boy’s eyes started to widen, and his pupils became pinpoints. Remus didn’t know what to do. His chest started to hitch with breathing, and Sirius seemed to be a bit confused. 

“I don’ know what you mean.” He slurred, looking at Remus with a look of broken trust. Remus’s chest dropped again. “I don’t have anything under my bed?” Sirius insisted. Remus wondered if talking to him about it was really the best idea in the first place. Sirius seemed to be somewhere else.

“Nobody’s upset.” Remus explained. Sirius shook his head and pursed his lips. 

“Why were you under my bed anyways?” he asked, getting defensive. His voice was raising in pitch, his throat tightening with emotion. “That’s weird, Remus.” He shifted away from the taller boy. 

Remus’s heart broke, he was the cage right now. He was cornering Sirius, and he was getting defensive. He didn’t want him to bite. 

“James said they found maybe a weeks worth?” Remus continued. It was painful, but the conversation had to be had. Sirius laughed. Remus’s own voice shook, he tried to keep it steady. 

Don’t cry, Remus, don’t cry. 

“Why would I do such a thing?” He barked. “Remus, you’re being ridiculous.” He started to scramble and pack his books together again. “Ridiculous.”

Remus panicked, realizing that if Sirius left again, he probably wouldn’t be able to find him till he wanted to be found. So he reached out, and tried to stop him from packing up. 

Sirius flinched when Remus reached towards his bag. He tugged it quickly, holding it to his chest. He huffed, or maybe wheezed, Remus couldn’t tell, and got up, stumbling to walk out, leaving half of his stuff behind. 

Remus’s gut churned, what was he doing? Sirius couldn’t walk in a straight line, and stumbled into the wall, using it to walk to the door. Remus got up, holding back a grunt as he got up and moved as fast as he could to keep Sirius from leaving. 

He didn’t try and touch Sirius again, and decided on standing in the arched doorway with his arms extended. His fingers didn’t quite reach both sides. He was tall- but only for an eleven year old. Sirius stumbled towards him. 

“Get out of the way, Remus.” Sirius gritted, his voice high pitched. Remus looked at him- really looked at him. And tears threatened to fill his own eyes. 

Sirius’s face had paled rapidly, his eyes were sharp and blown wide, the silver shade intimidating. His chest was rising and falling rapidly with quick shallow breaths. His eyebrows were tight. Remus saw how his fingers shook while holding tightly to the strap of his bag. His shoulders were shaking too- in fact it was his whole frame. 

The pain in Remus’s own body became completely irrelevant as a warm worry doused him from head to toe. Sirius’s bottom lip twitched, and Remus saw for a moment what Sirius really was. 

A scared, cornered, caught little kid. 

“Sirius, “ Remus started, not sure how to continue. His own breath hitched, anxiety seeping into his voice, making it unsteady. He saw Sirius pick up on it. Sirius backed up, his face contorting to something that looked almost offended, or betrayed. He stuck his finger out, pointing at Remus, backing up again. 

“What is this?” Sirius said, sounding accusatory. “You’re upset.” 

Remus just stared, he had no clue what to say, or how to handle this. He had no clue what Sirius was saying, he looked wild. 

“Fuck!” Sirius yelled, throwing his bag into the ground, its contents spilling out, inkwell breaking and spilling across the essay he had just been writing. He turned around, back to Remus, hand on his head, taking gasping breaths. His shaking shoulders heaved up and down with each wheeze. 

Remus just stared. He was so dumbstruck on what to do. He’d never heard a kid swear in anger like that. For Merlin's sake, he was a kid. He didn’t know how to handle this. This was way too deep for him. Sirius was angry. He’d hex him, he’d punch him, Remus gulped. Sirius stopped his pacing for a moment, freezing. He turned to look at Remus, eyes watering and wide, arms out defensively. 

“I promise I didn’t do it to be rude.” Sirius said. Remus cocked his head. 

Huh?!

“What?” Remus asked, the disbelief apparent in his voice, and he knew his poker face needed somework. Sirius took a deep breath in, and Remus waited for him to exhale but he didn’t. He looked confused, scared, something was going to happen. He was going to snap. 

And he did. 

Sirius started to cry. 

Remus didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. Both boys stood, just staring. Sirius’s quiet crying quickly declined into sobs, and Remus realized quickly that Sirius was going to hyperventilate. 

What should he do? Merlin, he had no idea. Sirius was in front of him crying, he had been hiding food, something had to be the reason for that, what was going on? 

Sirius choked on one of his sobs and started coughing. He couldn’t take it anymore- Sirius panicking made him panic. His body acted without thinking- he surged forward, wrapping his long arms tight around Sirius’s shaking shoulders and arms. Sirius froze, his sobs hitching and slipping from him.

 Remus cursed himself, this was a bad idea, why did he do this, he hates touch- Sirius was going to think he was insane, this was crossing so many boundaries, and-

Sirius leaned into it, and the sobs were quieted in Remus’s robes. Sirius’s breath was getting dangerously quick, and he felt the smaller boy shake more violently under his arms. There was no way he’d let go now. 

“Mate, you have to breathe.” Remus coaxed. Sirius shook his head. 

“Remus why’s this happen?” He asked. “I just can’t breathe sometimes.” He squeaked. Remus held him tighter. 

“I don’t know, I’m sorry.” He felt his own eyes stinging, his throat was sore with a lump forming that he kept swallowing down. He wished he could take this from Sirius, whatever it was. Remus took deep dramatic breaths. Sirius tried to follow suit. 

“Remus, I’m sorry.” Sirius apologized. Remus shook his head. 

“Don’t be, mate, we're just worried.” He sniffed, his own nose running from the threat of tears. “Sirius, can you tell me why?” He managed. Sirius looked up and blinked heavily. 

 Sirius’s mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish as his mind searched for words. 

“It’s complicated.” He said. Remus giggled. 

“I can handle complicated.” He assured him, hugging him again. Sirius nodded into Remus’s chest. 

The adrenaline was wearing off as both boys were calming down and breathing normally. As Remus’s own adrenaline high wore off, the ache in his bones and the pain in his head, all hit him at once. He shivered with the cold and a twinge of pain, and he knew Sirius felt his muscles tense. 

“Merlin, Remus, I’m so sorry, let’s go back, oh my Merlin!” He scrambled, gathering all of his things off of the floor of the astronomy tower, Remus couldn’t do anything but agree and shiver, he was in too much pain to argue. 

“But we’re talking about this.” Remus insisted. Sirius hesitated before swinging his bag over his shoulder. 

“I know.” He admitted, voice quiet and monotone. “I don’t want to tell Peter and James.” He added. Remus looked at him with sympathetic eyes. 

Remus knew how much Sirius looked up to James, James was everything Sirius wasn’t allowed to be. He knew that the Black family was prestigious and needed to uphold their reputation, so all of James stunts and messes were typically frowned upon. He was probably already mortified. 

“You don’t have to tell him.” Remus said. “Just one of us so we know you’re okay mate.” 

The two started down the stairs in silence. 

“We are worried, Sirius.” Remus said, not wanting to avoid the topic completely and miss it by the time they were back at the tower. “Er, well, hiding food is concerning.” 

“Not for me.” Sirius said. “I just do it so I can eat not at meals.” 

“But mate, you don’t need to hide anything.” Remus said, trying to get the dark curled boy to look at him. He wouldn’t. 

“It’s rude.” He said. Remus was confused. 

“Eating at other times than meals isn’t rude, Sirius.” Remus said. Why would Sirius think that? They were at Hogwarts, not like they were eating at someone’s personal dinner table. 

“I don’t want people to think I’m not grateful for the meals.” Sirius said, eyes still forward and down. 

“They’re provided by the schools, it’s ok, Sirius, really.” Remus insisted. Sirius’s face remained unchanged, well, maybe his eyebrows were tighter but that was it. “Why not go down to the kitchens and get something? They’re open even when meals aren’t in session, till like 9 or so I believe.” He added, proposing the idea hopefully. 

His pride was quickly shot down with the shake of Sirius’s head. They were at the bottom of the stairs. They had a big hallway, a few other corridors, nine staircases (thank you Gryffindor, for being in a tower) and then they’d be back. 

“I can’t be seen doing that.” Sirius said. “The heir of black needs to be respectful and traditional.” He sighed. Remus held his breath. Sirius rarely talked about his family. Everyone knew they were strict. Maybe a little unethically so. He knew Sirius was always on edge, hated yelling, and Remus never could get that nightmare out of his mind. 

“What do you mean?” He asked cautiously. He tried not to change his tone too much and scare Sirius from talking. 

“I mean that I can only eat at meals.” Sirius repeated. “I’m not allowed to otherwise.” 

“So you sneak food?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded. 

“You know you don’t have to do that here, mate.” Remus said. Sirius finally looked at him, he looked embarrassed. No- ashamed. 

“It’s political.” He spat. “I can’t here.” Remus looked at him with heartbroken eyes. Sirius had a flash of guilt across his face. 

“Why?” Remus asked, desperate for some kind of answer. They had finally reached the bottom of the staircase they had to climb to reach Gryffindor tower. Remus stopped Sirius from continuing up the stairs. 

“Because, Remus,” Sirius sighed, as if he was coughing up the information. “My family goes here, they follow the same rules. Anyone breaks ‘em, everyone knows, and then I’ll get in trouble.” Sirius looked like he had tears in his eyes again, his words came out in a tumbleweed of rambling spinning syllables, broken up by threats of tears and hiccups. 

Remus’s heart shattered. Sirius shouldn’t have to live in such fear like that. He was at Hogwarts, meals shouldn’t be political, for Godric’s sake he shouldn’t have to watch his back and hide food under his bed. 

“Besides, I know Reggie isn’t gonna steal food so I’ll have to for him next year anyways.” He rambled on. Remus was shell shocked. 

Who? 

“Reggie?” He asked. 

Sirius froze, not realizing till that moment what he had said. It was his first time speaking his name at Hogwarts. First time he talked about a brother. 

“My little brother.” Sirius said numbly, staring past Remus. “He’s going to be eleven next year.” 

“Oh Sirius.” Remus said. Sirius had a look on his face Remus had never seen, but he also looked like he was about to throw up. 

“Leave it.” Sirius said, starting up the stairs again. Remus watched, heart aching after him. He caught up at the top, Sirius was frozen at the door to the entrance. The fat lady was looking at him awkwardly. She spotted Remus and piped up, pointing at the smaller pale boy. 

“The boy’s tongue tied!” She said. Remus came up next to him. 

“Alright?” He asked him. Sirius snapped out of it, shaking his head and muttering something in french. 

“Yeah, sorry.” He said. “I don’t know what to tell James.” 

“I can tell ‘im” Remus offered. Sirius shook his head. 

“He’d suspect something’s off.” 

“Mate, you’ve been hiding food, he knows somethings off.” Remus pointed out. Sirius nodded. 

“I know.” 

There was silence. 

“I’ll tell him.” 

“Are you sure?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded again. 

“Phleppinbot!” Sirius said, and the Fat lady opened the door. Entering the common room was awkward, and they stepped past people as they made their way upstairs. 

Sirius pulled James aside into his bed and drew the curtains, he saw the silencing charm be placed. They state there for hours. 

“What happened?” Peter had asked Remus. Remus knew it wasn’t his place, but he had faith Sirius would tell Peter. 

“He’ll let you know.” 

Peter nodded. Remus saw gears turning in the plump blonde’s mind. 

James and Sirius stayed together well into the night, past when Peter and Remus decided to fall asleep. Sirius told Peter the next morning. 

The next day at breakfast, they all noticed when Sirius grabbed a roll from the table as they left, and tucked it under his robes. Remus gave him an eye, and James strode closer to Sirius. Sirius ignored them both, and they rounded a corner and passed Narcissa. 

“Sirius.” She said, rather pinched and formal. Sirius did a light bow in passing. After they passed he pulled it out of his sleeve and took a bite. 

“What?” he asked, with his mouth full. “I’m not hiding it, I just heard Narcissa’s all.” he strode past them. “Come on, we’ve got arithmancy and I have to explain my ink stained essay.” He chipped, not turning back for them. 

Remus, James, and Peter all looked at each other. 

“It’s a start.” James said. Remus nodded. 

“Just wish he wasn’t so scared to go to the kitchens during non meal hours.” Remus added. Peter nodded. 

“About that.” He said. James and Remus looked at him. “Remember how I made friends with that one Hufflepuff in intro to Herbology?” He asked.

“Yeah?” Said Remus. 

“What about her?” Asked James. 

“She told me a neat trick, and I think it’s perfect for this.” He said, a smile spreading on his pink cheeks. 

“Out with it,” James insisted, waving his arm. 

“Well, she told me about this secret way into the kitchens...” 

—----------