Glimpses of Grimmauld

For the third time that night, Sirius woke up soaking wet, confused, and grossed out at himself. He had no idea why he was so shaky, why he felt so off, for Merlin’s sake he should be okay with sleeping away from his own home by now, it’s been two weeks already. But he had barely been able to sleep in those two weeks, so what he did get was restless and riddled with nightmares. 

He felt at his chest with his hand pressing down, trying fitfully to slow his heart from beating so powerfully. He listened for James’ loud snoring, Peter’s occasional mumbles, and Remus’s soft whines that had become some sort of odd comfort in his sleepless nights. 

He took heaving breaths, holding it and letting it go, and slowly his heart returned to a slower less haywire beat. He held his eyes closed, and tried to shift over, he laid on the edge of his bed, trying not to touch the damp part of his sheets where he had sweat through. 

He was exhausted, bone deep tired. If he could just sleep, and like actually sleep, then maybe he’d be fine. His head swam with the exhaustion and he could feel himself being pulled under again, and just as he was about to fall into a peaceful sleep, a pair of familiar but undesirable hands gripped his hair and pulled him into something even more terrifying. 

It was dark. 

Black. 

He couldn’t see his hands in front of his face. He felt a wooden floor under his hands, he was on his hands and knees. He crawled, trying desperately to run- because there was something behind him. It gripped his dark curls and yanked him backwards. He was thrown into a room, he hit a desk of sorts. He looked up, and could see the face of his mother Walburga Black was staring at him. He was back. 

“Maman-” He gasped, pushing himself backwards into the wall. 

“You really thought that you could tell the hat to sort you into Gryffindor without any punishment? A pure bloodline, Sirius, PURE!” She hissed, voice loud in his face. She threw her arm out wide. Sirius pushed back further into the desk behind him, smacking his head on the wood. 

“I’m sorry maman-” He pleaded as she raised her wand. He shook, raising his hands pathetically in front of his face. He couldn’t breathe, he prepared for the pain that would come. Her wand raised higher, he flinched before he felt anything. Then he felt the familiar white hot pain of the Cruciatis curse. He screamed, he begged, he clawed the carpet- he- 

—----

Remus was never a sound sleeper, unless it was nearing the moon in which case he almost could never stay awake, but right now in the middle of the month he was awakened by a whimper from somewhere in the room. The hair on the back of his neck stood up, and he sat up, long awkward arms wrapping around knobby knees. 

He still was unsure of how to handle the dorm living situation. Having lived most of his life alone, sub his parents, Remus was still apprehensive about people. And there was a part of him that was a bit more fight than flight. 

It had only been about two weeks too- that was a normal amount of time to still be scared- right? Homesick? Uncomfortable sleeping in a magic castle with three other boys that he had only just met a few weeks ago? 

Yeah, it was normal for him to be on edge. 

And those sounds, they made him nervous. He knew everyone had their quirks in their sleep, he knew he made noises and sometimes he would wake up with his feet where his head should be and his head where his feet should be. 

But something about the noises he was hearing now gave him goosebumps that wouldn’t go away no matter how far he burrowed under the blankets. He focused to hear where it was coming from. 

Sirius- that was his name. 

He only had met him recently, and there was so much new information being thrown in his direction it was hard to be positive. 

But the boy had made such a brazen first impression it was hard to forget. 

Should he check on him? 

Remus gulped, and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. Sirius’s bed was across the room. He slipped his feet into his slippers and tip-toed over to the edge of Sirius’s bed, where he was still whining. 

—---

Sirius lay on the floor. His head screamed, his body stung and ached. 

Unforgivable. 

My actions were unforgivable. 

“Sirius, do you understand the severity of your choices now?” His mother asked. 

“Oui, maman.” He groaned. He rolled onto his back and whimpered, hissing through his teeth, and trying to catch his breath after the simple action winded him. He could feel his chest get tighter and tighter. He couldn’t breathe- 

“Maman, somethings wrong-” He pleaded. His mother came closer, and bent over him. “Maman, please.” he begged. 

He felt his chest literally crushing, his ribs were breaking, he looked down the length of his arm, and saw his brother kneeling down. 

“Reggie-” He muttered. “Tell Maman something is wrong.” He pleaded. Regulus looked up at their mother who stared only daggers back. 

“Maman please-” He begged her. 

—

“Maman, il y a quelque chose qui ne va pas” Sirius muttered. Remus’s eyes widened- was that French? What was he saying? He bit his tongue, the bed was soaked. Was Sirius running a fever maybe? He reached his hand out nervously, shaking. Sirius had started to take quick, shallow breaths, and move slower. Remus’s own heart pounded with anxiety. Sirius seemed to be having a nightmare- and an awful one at that. 

What should he do in this situation? He wrung his hands and watched the boy in front of him. Sirius was tiny, at least compared to Remus who was on the taller side for their age. 

Sirius was a skinny boy too, his collarbone and rib cage was defined in his skin, but for some reason he didn’t look like death, it was regal on him. Right now, he was laid partially on his back and side, head pressed back into the mattress, dilly dark curls splayed out over the dark red gryffindor pillows. His pale skin was sheen with sweat, and Remus noted momentarily that Sirius reminded him of a pearl. 

Right now however, Remus noticed how Sirius’s hand started to paw at his chest in his sleep, and he started to gasp. He needed to do something, Sirius was actually going to hurt himself. 

He reached his hand out- contact- he flinched at the idea, his hand momentarily hovering over his roommate. He touched his shoulder. 

—----

“Nothing is wrong, you dramatic boy.” Walburga hissed, walking closer to Sirius and doing nothing. Sirius looked up at her, his silver eyes wide and welled with tears. 

“Maman, something is wrong.” he cried, his chest aching and his shoulders shaking. 

He was dying couldn’t she see? How could she just stand there and not do anything? He looked to the side again, trying to find Reggie. He wasn’t there. He looked around frantically- 

No, no, no, no no no no. He had to find Reggie. His eyes darted back to his mother. She stood there, her hands on his brother’s shoulders in front of him. 

“Maman no-” He begged her, he was sobbing. His words were choppy, they shook. 

Regulus was thrown to the side. Sirius felt his heart sting. His chest burned and his heart ached, he was dying, he was actually dying. Sirius Black had never been more terrified in his life. 

“Miséricorde” 

“You are fine, Sirius.” She screamed, grabbing him by the hair once more. 

—----

Sirius shot up, and Remus jumped back. Remus stared shocked at the shaking boy in front of him. Sirius’s face was wet from tears, and he was fervently wiping at his face to get them off. His chest was heaving with gasps, and Remus thought for a moment that maybe Sirius was choking. 

Sirius made eye contact with Remus and both boys froze. Sirius shakily raised a hand to cover his mouth, and Remus quickly picked up on this meant they had to move- now. Remus reached and wrapped his arms under Sirius’s and hauled him up and the two boys ran into the bathroom, where Sirius shoved Remus as hard as he could, and fell in front of the toilet and threw up. 

Remus stood there, terrified. What should he do? His roommate- and friend- was vomiting directly in front of him. 

Comfort him, idiot! His brain chided. He knelt down next to the shaking, puking boy. 

‘It’s alright mate, get it out.” he said, thinking of how to help. He noticed Sirius’s hair getting dangerously close to his mouth. Remus gently reached down and started to pull Sirius’s hair back. That would be helpful, right? 

Apparently not. 

Sirius flinched away so hard he stumbled sideways, a gas and a -no- came out of him. He lost his grip on the edge of the toilet. Remus retracted his hands and stuttered.

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Remus apologized, holding his bony hands to his chest. Sirius had half caught himself and was holding himself up awkwardly. His breathing was still labored and heavy, and Remus could tell he was still feelling green. 

But why wasn’t he letting it happen? 

He was too close- Remus realized. He backed up a bit, and put his hands up. Sirius got a bit closer to the toilet, Remus backed up a little farther, and then realized he was out of the bathroom. His face burned with embarrassment when he realized that that meant that Sirius wanted him to leave. 

Oh Merlin, he had overstepped. How stupid. Remus scrambled to his feet and ran back over to his bed. Once on it, he saw the bathroom door shut. He watched, waited to see what would happen. He heard a whisper, and a flash of blue light. 

‘Silencio.’ it was barely audible. 

Uh oh. That couldn’t be a good sign. What if something happened? What if he was sick? 

Well now what should he do? 

—---

He had barely been able to mutter out the spell before he finally vomited again. His entire body shook, not only from throwing up but also from the pure adrenaline that was shot through his veins from the moment he woke up to the moment Remus’s hands were pulling his hair. 

Just like maman- no.

This was different. This was Hogwarts- that was Remus, sweet awkward petty Remus. Sirius’s chest heaved as he choked on a sob. He was glad he had put up the silencio spell because if he had not, then the entire room would be hearing him at the moment and he definitely would be waking them all. 

He thought he was safe from his nightmares here. He had been free of them since he had moved in- granted his sleep habits had been questionable until then. But tonight- what he had been imagining happening when he went home next was presented to him in a dream. He knew his parents were furious with him, because he had received not a single letter back in the entire time they had been separated. And they said to expect daily letters for keeping tabs. 

He knew he was a traitor for being in Gryffindor- but it’s not like he actually asked. It just happened. It wasn’t his fault. But he knew that didn’t matter, he had messed up. And they were going to make sure he knew it soon enough. 

That thought sent him over the toilet bowl again, and his stomach ached and hurt as he vomited twice more. He was still shaking like a leaf, and couldn’t even wipe his face. His hair was in his eyes and he wished so desperately he had let Remus pull it back. 

He heard a knock on the door. 

“S- Sirius it’s Remus again.” He heard. “I- um. I got James.” 

The bugger got James. 

“Hey mate, what’s going on? Remus said somethin’ ain’t right?” He heard Remus give James a jab outside the door. “Well, I mean he says he’s worried.” Sirius had to smile at his improper way of speaking, even for being a pureblood. 

But then Sirius’s stomach flipped at the idea of James seeing him so pathetic. James was so cool, he was everything a Gryffindor should be. He’s loud, he’s brave, he’s sure of himself. Right now, he didn’t look like how a Black should look right now. Let alone a Gryffindor. 

He mustered up the rest of his strength and pushed himself up to the sink. He stared in the mirror, trying to calm his shaky nerves, and he grabbed his wand from beside him and cast a glamor charm on himself. It was typical for him, and his brother. They had to look presentable at all times, it was routine. And he couldn’t let James or Remus see him look that bad. 

He reached shakily for the doorknob, and pulled it open to see A very confused looking James, and a very nervous looking Remus, who also looked like he could vomit at any second. 

“Uhm- Sirius, I’m so sorry if I overstepped or if I’m overstepping now.” He started, Sirius saw he was wringing his hands. God, what had he done. He had scared Remus. SO badly that he had gotten James. His stomach flipped again, and he doubled over, hand clamped over his mouth. James acted quicker than either of the two, because before he even realized it, James had positioned him right in front of the toilet, just in time for his stomach to finally win and empty out for the last time. 

“Let it out, mate.” James coaxed. Sirius noticed that after he set him down, he stopped touching him. Sirius eventually stopped, and then sat back, resting his head and back against the opposite wall. 

“Here.” A soft voice again, Remus, damp cloth in his hand. Sirius felt his face get red. This was embarrassing. He was embarrassed. Ashamed. Tears stung. He took it, and wiped his eyes, then mouth. 

James piped up again. 

“You alright, mate?” He asked, unsure. Sirius looked up at him. His big toothy grin was a nervous line of a smile, his big brown eyes were even bigger and more concerned. He noted that might have been because James seemed to have been in such a rush he had forgotten his glasses, which he’s nearly blind without. 

“Fine.”  He said, not looking in their direction. “Nightmare.” He decided to add, after neither said anything. 

“Wanna talk about it?” James asked further.

“And even if you tell someone, Sirius Black-” His mother’s voice echoed. 

Sirius got up, and shouldered past the two boys. 

“No.” 

Remus and James exchanged glances, and watched as Sirius went back to his bed, drew the curtains, and stayed silent. 

“That was weird.” James whispered. “You reckon he’s homesick?”

Remus had an odd feeling in his stomach. 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

—--