Lucky socks
Remus was convinced one day he’d have enough and just disappear from all prying eyes, go live in a cave, and hunt for food.
Or, you know, jump off a bridge or something, but that’s just plan B.
One thing positive though, was that Sirius didn’t tell the other marauders of anything he had witnessed.
Remus was suspecting he would do so, do the unimaginable and break Remus’ fragile trust, but after a few days had gone by and James and Peter didn’t mention anything inordinary, he shrugged it off.
Remus was currently residing in the dorm room, book in his lap with his curtains open around his bed to let the warm evening sun in.
Compared to other days, he was feeling fine.
A few footsteps were heard just outside the door, before it flung open and Peter walked in. He was startled for a moment when he noticed Remus, and quickly turned and walked towards his trunk, ignoring Remus’ presence.
Remus knew he deserved this treatment of him. He has royally fucked up with Peter.
Merlin, if he couldn’t fix stuff with Sirius he better attempt to do so with peter.
He could only hope he wouldn’t get too sensitive with Peter, too,
“Peter, mate,” Remus began causally, getting up and walking towards Peter's bed, leaning against his bedside.
Peter glanced up from his trunk, squeaked something he couldn’t quite decipher and went right back to digging in it.
“.. what are you looking for?” He tried, again.
He was desperate to get this over with, and was only met with the cold shoulder.
The silence made him think. Remus despises thinking.
Was he a terrible friend for seeing this as a task needing to be done?
Perhaps.
Remus already knows he’s horrible, those indescribable thoughts just keep appearing.
Peter didn’t answer for a long time. Remus was pretty sure he should just leave and return to his book, before Peter piped up.
“Lost my lucky socks,” he mumbled, biting his bottom lip.
Remus’ eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he suppressed a chuckle. Laughing at someone while trying to get their forgiveness wasn’t really ideal.
“Oh? eh, did you try asking Prongs?” Remus asked, trying to keep this awkward sort of small talk going.
Peter blushed, his ears turning a light shade of pink, before he shook his head. “He doesn’t know.”
“Oh.” Remus echoed. God, he really was pathetic. Can’t even apologise to his best mate.
There was a heavy sort of silence, the one that stood in place and sunk deeper when ignored, so Remus decided to say fuck it and open up.
He ignored the stomach acid in his belly that churched, reminding him yet again he was doing this because he lost himself.
Fuck lavender.
“Pete, I’m really sorry.” He apologised, biting his bottom lip, anticipating Peter’s response.
Peter remained silent, waiting for Remus to continue. To say something more.
Remus realised with horror he was to explain it all.
He had to open up.
To be real.
He prayed he wouldn’t have another sort of weird.. Merlin, he had no idea how to describe it.
He thought again of what Sirius referred to it as, and shut it off immediately.
Tossed it aside.
That’s a problem for another time. Right now, he had to word his explanation carefully.
He squeezed his own hand, maybe for comfort, or just something to hold onto, and began talking.
“I’m a bit of a perfectionist, I think. I get really irritated when stuff isn’t done the correct way, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I really hope we can be alright.
Perfectionist was a good word. It didn’t reveal a lot, and didn’t resemble even a quarter of the immense lack of control he always felt. It just.. described him as a person that aspired for a lot.
“It’s okay, Moony. We are alright.” Peter grinned hesitantly, and Remus’ shoulders sank in relief.
How he needed to hear these words.
To know everything’s okay and well.
At that exact moment, Peter pulled out a pair of colourful socks from his trunk, his smile immediately widening with triumph. “Ah-ha!”
Remus was at the astronomy tower.
The sun was slowly setting, a comforting golden washing the sky with its brightness.
The warm breeze brushed through Remus’ hair, playing with it to its will, and Remus hasn’t been that relaxed in a while now.
The sky was like a watercolor palette; a deep orange colour mixing with a deep crimson and lighter blue.
Remus fidgeted with the edge of his jumper as he stared ahead, the horizon mesmerizing him.
He could see Hagrid’s hut from up there. A tiny row of pumpkins, perhaps for Halloween.
The edge of the forest.
He could also make out the quidditch pitch, but that was too far away.
Remus filled his lungs with a handful of air, relishing in the feeling of something before exhaling.
Sometimes Remus would feels a bit empty.
At the moment, He doesn’t have anything to take care of. At least anything easy. His homework was already done, and he rechecked it all a few times, fixed the essay that was ruined because of Marlene (he was still irritated about that) and—
Oh. Marlene. His conversation with Marlene.
How could she even think he’d feel that way towards Sirius— a boy!
Remus didn’t like boys.
He certainly felt weird stuff around Sirius, which was really strange, and he also noticed a whole lot about him, and—
He wasn’t.. that. He simply took notice of Sirius.
Only Sirius.
Not even girls. He just noticed him.
Perhaps it’s because they’re best mates.
He doesn’t feel that way towards Lily though, and she’s one of his best mates too. Sure, she’s pretty, but—
Marlene really had really fucked up his brain.
Remus knows he has nothing to worry about. Sirius is just a friend, and Remus was into girls.
And evidently, so was Sirius.
With all the girls around him, it’d be a bit foolish to assume he’s anything but into girls.
It’s the most absurd thing Remus has heard about in a while, Sirius and him that way.
Sirius and him, dating. Sirius and him, more than platonic. Sirius and him possibly.. snogging?
Remus felt his cheeks heat up, and practically jumped as the old rusty floor creaked under added weight.
He turned around, and to his pure horror, his eyes met Sirius’ who stood at the edge of the staircase, hands tucked in his trousers’ pockets.
Remus set his eyes away and turned around, his gaze returning to the beautiful view ahead.
His fists clenched and unclenched a few times.
The floor creaked yet again, and Sirius came to stand beside Remus.
He leaned against the railing, placed a cigarette between his lips and lit it up with wandless magic.
“Hi,” he mumbled, exhaling the smoke.
Remus nodded in acknowledgement but didn’t turn to face him. His cheeks flushed a deep crimson shade.
He didn’t like Sirius— it’d be pathetic!
But why does the thought of snogging him makes him feel all.. warm inside rather than disgusted?
Sirius cleared his throat, and Remus reluctantly averted his gaze from the breathtaking view to the equally breathtaking boy’s awaiting face.
He can’t think about Sirius like that. That is so incredibly wrong.
His cloudy eyes held a silent question, one Remus didn’t understand but knew Sirius was curious about.
Sirius was always curious about something.
He held out the cigarette, and Remus took it from his hand, bringing it up to his lips.
He took a slow drag, the familiar scent filling his lungs. He savoured the warmth for a moment, relishing in the comforting presence, before releasing the smoke, watching it curl in the air.
As Remus passed Sirius the cigarette, their fingers brushed together for a moment.
He hurried to pull his hand away, faster than he’s ever done before, and Sirius frowned.
“Is everything okay?”
Remus hesitated for a moment. Nothing was okay— he had those weird episodes and for some reason couldn’t answer any of Sirius’ questions.
And now those stupid ideas Marlene’s practically shoved in his mind.
He didn’t want to lie to Sirius, he realized. He wanted to be honest, and that was terrifying.
Stupid thoughts.
How would he have control if he goes around telling his secrets to everybody?
“Yea, course.” He mumbled, glaring ahead at the open sky.
How easy it would be to disappear.
Sirius made an annoyed noise from the back of his throat. “Let me rephrase that. Are you okay?”
Remus’ nails dug into his palm’s scarred skin.
He felt as though he were just punched, all air drawing away from his chest due to the impact.
The question left Remus feeling bad. Horrible.
It was the worst feeling, to be seen.
Sirius had looked beyond the skin and bones, and somehow noticed something about Remus—
A thing Remus didn’t quite understand, but knew he had to keep it secret. Quiet, unreachable, cold.
Sirius always tended to prod at everything, but this was different.
He was serious about this, staring with his intense gray eyes at Remus.
“Yes,” Remus said, too slowly.
Too late.
Sirius, of course, noticed his delayed response and arched an eyebrow.
“Doesn’t seem like it,” he said with a casual shrug.
It irritated Remus. How could he be so casual after questioning Remus’ honesty?!
Okay, so what if he was lying? Why couldn’t Sirius just accept that he wouldn’t tell him!
“Oh, sod off—“ Remus began, turning towards his only source of security at moments like these— his anger— but the words died on his tongue as Sirius spoke up.
“Nothing could be so fucking horrible that you need to hide it!” He argued, and Remus felt his blood boil.
“Well, it is! You want the truth? Have it! You saw something you shouldn’t have!” Remus growled, and immediately felt as though he'd been stubbed.
Can’t share more with Sirius. He’ll know this is strangely important to Remus, that he sometimes has these things.
“Is this about the panic attack?” He asked, looking almost bored, as though he were used to those happening, and Remus seethed.
“It wasn’t a panic attack! Stop calling it that!”
A bitter laugh bubbled out of Sirius’ throat, and he took a sharp inhale from his cigarette before turning to face Remus.
“Remus, I know what a panic attack looks like. You may have been able to trick Prongs or Wormtail if they were around, but not me.” He said this, and he wasn’t arguing anymore.
Simply stating it, as though it was a solid fact.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Yea? How come, had those?” He snarled, raking a hand through his honey toned curls.
Oh. How foolish Remus was.
Sirius perhaps had gone through them, with what family he’s been dealing with. He also seemed to know how to handle Remus perfectly.
A few minutes have gone by silently. Sirius didn’t speak, and Remus didn’t try to make him.
He also didn’t offer any words of comfort.
Remus was still on somewhat of an edge, and knew if he tried comforting him it’d come off as sarcastic.
With the environment Sirius’ grown up at, it really wasn’t much a surprise.
“Yes, I have.” He said with an air of finality.
An admittance; a raw confession.
“What I had wasn't a panic attack.” Remus denied yet again, his confidence flaring.
Sirius was being real. Remus would gag if he had to.
The sun has almost finished setting by the time, the sky now a beautiful mix of a deep purple and orange.
Some stars were beginning to get more visible as the sky darkened, and Remus was sure that if he had taken astronomy seriously he could’ve made out some constellations.
“I won’t argue with you further.” Sirius exclaimed.
“Okay.” Remus agreed, his gaze fixed ahead.
“It is your own problem that you refuse to accept it.” Sirius said, his voice adopting a calm tone and yet managing to remain stubborn.
“Okay.” Remus agreed again.
“You’re delusional.”
Remus turned to look at him, his eyes tracing over the boy’s profile.
His features were beautiful. Pale, smooth skin, gray irises framed by long eyelashes. He was so effortlessly handsome.
He made a small noise, not dismissing or agreeing to his statement. The fight had completely left him, and arguing at the moment seemed utterly useless. It's not as if he could change Sirius’ opinion on Remus’ way of coping.
Not that he had anything to cope with. He was perfectly well.
He glanced back ahead.
His elbows leaned against the railing, one of his palms tracing its old metal, before he froze.
Sirius’ pinky grazed his own, a small, tender touch that he wouldn’t have paid mind to if it had been anyone other than Sirius.
Remus didn’t turn to look at him, and instead kept glancing ahead at the sky, now full of shiny unreachable stars, with one of the stars by his side.