Notes
Remus and Sirius stayed at the astronomy tower gazing ahead at the horizon for quite a while.
Sirius glared at the stars. The boy’s been reading constellations before he knew what the alphabet was, and Remus suspected his angry stare ahead had something to do with his family.
Remus glared at the moon.
The thing that brings him so much unbelievable pain each month.
Remus often wondered how life would’ve been if he hadn’t been bitten. Would he like the moon? Stare ahead with foolish wonder with not a worry in the world?
Remus knew the moon couldn’t possibly be the source of all his problems and shouldn’t be taking the blame. Remus was fucked up as it was by himself.
But it was hard. So undeniably hard to not blame the world around him when fate’s been so cruel.
Their walk back to Gryffindor tower had been silent. None of them spoke, and it was easy that way.
Remus didn’t think he’d be able to express himself even if he tried. Sirius made him feel a sort of way. Made it hard to speak.
Remus may be reluctant to tell anyone about his struggles, but Sirius was one of the least of people he’d confide in, Snape a close second.
Remus didn’t know why, but opening up to Sirius seemed terrifying. It was horrible.
Sirius was a friend, one of Remus’ best mates.
He confessed to having panic attacks. Remus couldn’t even admit to having something that might resemble that.
Even thinking about it makes bile rise in his throat, his stomach twisting with the bitter taste of vulnerability he’s unwilling to accept.
Remus wasn’t an idiot; he knew those episodes had to have a name when they began. He just didn’t want to attach a name to them.
They were something personal of his. Something he experienced and was only his to know of.
Giving it a name, accepting other peoples' having it, makes it all too real.
Perhaps Remus was just too weak to admit that to himself. Perhaps, he’d never be strong enough to.
With most things left unknown to Remus, he knew one.
Talking to Sirius was going to be hell. Even apologising to Peter and giving him a small piece of information’s been hard.
When he eventually fell asleep that day, light peaked through his curtains.
“Are you sure you don’t fancy men?” Marlene asked, her tone awfully high pitched for Remus’ tired ears, for the tenth time that day as they navigated through Hogwarts’ long tiring hallways.
Remus was awfully tired. He hadn't slept well the previous night, shreds of his conversation with Sirius haunting his thoughts.
Falling asleep proved to be a challenge, and when he finally did, Sirius’ accusing words of being ‘delusional’ appeared in his dreamscape.
And Remus saw it for what it was. After a whole night of thinking, he came to a conclusion.
He’ll be looking into what panic attacks are. There must be a book in the library about mind healing.
Not that Remus needs his mind healed; of course.
He’s just curious. Curious about what he’s been having and if Sirius is right. Curious about what Sirius had experienced.
Remus quickly remembered where he was when Marlene’s wondering wide-eyed gaze snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Yes!” Remus insisted, even if a moment late, glaring at her.
When she noticed his glare her face stretched into a smirk, and she raised her hands in surrender.
“Okay, okay. No men.” She winked.
“But, do you fancy Sirius?”
“How did you go from love to fancy?” Remus asked, confused. Last time she questioned him, she used the word love.
Which scared Remus a whole lot. If Marlene assumed Remus was in love with the way he watched him, what did others think?
Surely if Sirius knew he’d be abashed. Nobody would like a werewolf watching them, or much more importantly loving.
“Love’s a big word. Using it seems to scare you, so we are taking baby steps!” She encouraged, attempting to bump her shoulder with Remus’ which didn’t quite work due to their height difference.
“I don’t fancy Sirius. If I don’t fancy men, how could I fancy him?” Maybe wizards should take muggle math instead of arithmancy, because this is definitely not a simple equation.
“When you two get married, I’m so gonna tell you ‘told you so’.” She said simply, dismissing his statement completely.
Remus brushed it off. She was probably trying to provoke him or something, so he paid no mind to it. A reaction would entertain her too much.
“Marlene, would you shut up?” He said curtly and shook his head, his response losing its grip when he let out a chuckle at her stupidity.
“Aw, man. At least I’ve tried.”
“There, there,” he patted her shoulder
Marlene’s just being thoughtful, Remus figured. Maybe she just wanted him to be with someone, and due to the fact only the marauders are around full moons she thought the solution would be if he were gay.
Which he isn’t, and he knows Sirius is not too.
With the amount of girls he keeps around, it’d be really peculiar to assume that.
They reached their Charms classroom soon enough.
As he sat down, Sirius immediately landed beside him on a nearby seat, a grin adoring his features.
Now that was abnormal. Sirius would always sit beside James, and Remus would either sit with Peter or Lily.
Remus didn’t mind that arrangement at all, he found he studied best with quiet people around.
Sirius, on the other hand, is the opposite of relaxed and silent.
Most classes, he and James would cause mischief and those little jokes with one another.
So, Remus came to a realisation.
Sirius’ presence only pointed out one obvious thing— he wanted to talk again.
That much was clear with the way his leg bounced vehemently.
“What?” Remus sighed, rubbing his temple. He could feel a headache forming already.
“Oi! Don’t greet me like that, that’s rude!” Sirius scolded, folding his arms across his chest in a manner Remus was pretty sure he picked up from Professor McGonagall.
“I’m not doing anything,” Remus said helplessly, a quiet chuckle ascending from his lips at Sirius’ exaggerated act.
Sirius may deny every connection to the Blacks and is a Potter by heart, but he inherited their dramatics.
“Sure,” he rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair.
Remus rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “As much as I love having you around,” his tone was dry and sarcastic. “why’re you here and not with Prongs?”
Sirius almost gasped. “Moony, I truly am hurt by your accusations,”
“I wasn’t accusing you—“ Remus hurried to say, because really all he was doing was asking a question, but Sirius dismissed him.
“ I can be with you, you know.” He said,
“I know!” Remus replied, his tone carrying some of the frustration he was feeling.
Sirius could probably get the calmest of people annoyed.
“Well, stop acting all strange about it.”
“Fine!”
Professor Flitwick had chosen that moment to walk in and greet them all cheerily, and Remus was glad for the distraction.
Okay. Remus was wrong. Very, incredibly, wrong.
Apparently, Sirius really can study when he puts his mind to it.
Throughout the class, he took notes, copied the hand motions Filtwick had demonstrated and even raised his hand and got Gryffindor three points.
A miracle. Maybe.
As the lesson was nearing its end, a small piece of parchment made its way across the table.
Remus sighed as he unfolded the note. Sirius’ attention span really does need mending, Filtwick had only turned to scribble onto the board.
The note read, ‘Hi, Moony :) your concentrating face is funny.’
Remus shook his head, a smile making its way onto his face as he turned to face Sirius with a raised brow.
Sirius feigned innocence and wrote down on his parchment, a big chunk missing at the bottom of it.
‘And yours is pure comedy.’ Remus scribbled down, tossing the note back to him.
He got the note shoved to his side of the table sooner than expected.
‘No, mine is sexy.’
‘As if.’
‘Moony!! Stop insulting me.’
‘Ok.’
The small piece of parchment took a long while being thrown back to Remus, and so he resumed writing his notes.
That was probably the end of it.
A few minutes had gone by, before the paper had been shoved directly towards him.
He should’ve known. Sirius’ attention span is of one of a dog being thrown a bone and asked not to go chase it.
So, shortly? Horrible.
Remus had expected some unique insult from it, and was surprised to see it was a drawing sketch of a boy. He had curly hair and a few had scars, and beside the figure Sirius wrote, ‘your concentrating face.’
Remus’ neck flushed. Oh. God. He drew him.
Sirius Black had just drawn him.
Remus paid no mind to the voice in his mind, so close to Marlene’s, practically cheering, and he folded it in a half and tossed it back to Sirius.
He felt the boy’s confused glance on him but refused to turn around.
Merlin. Why was he feeling so weird?
Sirius just drew him. It’s nothing special. Nothing to be all bloody giddy over.
Remus felt incredibly stupid for letting Marlene’s words get to him. Remus didn’t like Sirius, so why is he doubting his emotions regarding their platonic tendencies and is hyper aware of everything Sirius?
Everything is odd today, Remus decided.
For the rest of the class he didn’t seek Sirius out and kept on ignoring the way his elbow nudged him every once in a while.