Ink stain
For the next few days, Remus has been wary around the marauders.
He would never admit it aloud, but his small show of stress around Sirius was extremely bothering him.
He couldn’t believe how far gone he’d let himself get. He was incredibly ashamed by the whole ordeal, and has avoided interacting with Sirius at any cost. At meals he was stuck to Lily as glue, and nothing could separate him from her.
Lily has proven to be an incredible friend, and each time any marauder tried tearing Remus away she’d immediately be in attack mode.
Even towards James, whom she only just now realized she fancied.
Perhaps being witty towards James was natural, considering their banters the previous years.
The moment with Sirius constantly replayed in Remus’ mind, and each time he thought of the way the raven haired boy tried to comfort him, nausea settled in the pit of his belly.
He hoped Sirius didn’t tell James and Peter what happened, but knowing Sirius, he probably did.
He couldn’t be sure though.
The unknown terrified Remus. It made his skin crawl and his breathing to shallow.
It was pure torture. Remus wanted to punch something. A wall. Sirius. Himself.
Anything that’d give him some comfort.
Remus wasn’t violent.
When he was younger and the marauders would spar one another, he’d never join.
Remus was gentle. He showed his affection with kind words. Never through fists.
He had enough aggression during his transitions each full moon.
He didn't know why he had those gruesome thoughts. He wanted them to go away.
Late into the night, when everyone was asleep, he’d have vivid thoughts of all the horrible things he could do. Things that could happen, and it was so scary.
It terrified him. Those thoughts were his, playing on his mind, but at the same time they weren’t. They were foreign. Unfamiliar.
He tried to clench his eyes shut, anticipated to see the darkness evolving his eyelids, but the world offered no mercy.
Remus hated himself more and more with each day that passed.
He hated his father for hating on werewolves too loudly for his own good. Hates grayback for retaliating.
Hated himself for what he has become. Hated how it ruined him.
Remus’ body was a broken vessel, containing a fractured soul.
He truly believed at that moment that he was beyond repair.
At breakfast, Remus was seated with the girls. It was a usual occurrence now, one that they didn’t question.
They just let him be. Understood he couldn’t bear being around the marauders— or more specifically, Sirius (that, they didn’t know though)— and accepted him.
Remus was extremely grateful he had them. They always managed to cheer him up with a conversation and warm smiles.
This morning, Remus didn’t have much energy for anything. He was always quite bad with mornings, but this one was especially gloomier, considering the first seat view he had to Sirius and his latest conquests.
He spread butter on his toast as he half-heartedly listened to the conversation around him, ignoring the raven haired boy in front of him that leant against the Great Hall’s entrance, his signature grin plastered on his face.
Mary was blabbering, as per usual, about a new thing that interested her, “And so, I was speaking with Amelia Bones earlier and—“
She went on, her lips moving, but Remus didn’t hear any of it.
The only thing he could focus on was Sirius, standing behind her, with his arm around a Ravenclaw he didn’t recognise. Perhaps a year below.
It didn’t matter who she was, not really.
Their heads were bent close together, as though sharing an intimate moment, and Sirius was flashing her that flirtatious grin Remus had an easy time recognising, having seen Sirius using it a few times already.
Not with Remus, course.
The girl tittered at something Sirius said, and tucked her hair behind her ear. It was the fifth time she did so, and Remus was pretty sure no one needed to repeat a motion so many times, but he wasn’t a girl so how would he know?
The girl stood on her tiptoes and pressed a gentle kiss to Sirius’ cheek before departing to the Ravenclaw table, her cheeks now a rosy shade.
A strange feeling Remus couldn’t decipher made its appearance, and Remus was incredibly confused.
Annoyance? Remus wasn’t annoyed.
Angry? Nope, it was a mix.
Remus didn’t understand it. It seemed, he didn’t have the time to.
Somebody cleared their throat, and Remus practically jolted in his seat as he hurriedly turned back to face Mary.
“Are you listening to me?!” She demanded, and Remus rubbed the back of his neck.
“Um.. I..” he stuttered, and she sighed heavily as though she were disappointed.
“I’ll repeat it for you, but if you aren’t listening this time too, I’ll hex you.” She threatened, raising her finger in a scolding gesture as though to accentuate it, and Remus stifled a chuckle as he nodded.
“You got it, Macdonald.”
“Hi, Remus,” Marlene greeted as she flopped down onto a chair beside him.
Remus didn’t glance up from the piece of parchment in front of him, continuing scribbling down a draft for his charms essay. “Hello.”
He was residing in his favourite nook in the library, hidden between two large wooden bookshelves that hid it well from view.
He had only shared the location with Lily, Mary, and Marlene. He didn't try to hide the spot from the marauders on purpose, but they haven’t really been having much interest in the library, so it had just turned out this way.
“How you doin’, my precious friend?” She said joyfully with a wide smile, getting out of her bag her own piece of parchment and quill and settling them beside Remus’.
Remus gazed up at her and arched an unamused brow. “Jolly.” He said, voice dry.
Marlene’s smirk only widened and she slung an arm around his shoulder. “Dearest Remus, why are you a grump?”
“I’m not.” He dismissed, dipping his quill in ink before returning to the piece of parchment before him.
“Come on,” Marlene urged. “Do tell. I can tell a secret.”
It seemed Marlene already knew something and wanted to hear Remus confess it.
Did Sirius tell her about his show of distress? Oh, Merlin, that’d be horrible.
That means Mary and Lily know too.
He can’t let it spread, he’d be made a joke.
A walking fucking joke poked at every time, and Snapes little gang would surely relish in Remus’ discomfort.
Hell, they’d probably be the ones poking fun at him, as if he wasn’t as miserable as it is.
Remus tuned out Marlene’s voice, too scared to face whatever she may know, and focused on his homework.
She was chattering away about something, Remus could tell from the way she vehemently spoke, her eyes shining with mischief.
She surely knows. Sirius must’ve told her.
His heart was beating unsteadily in his ears, and he was beginning to sweat.
Merlin, how could Remus be so foolish?
He has trusted Sirius and now—
“Remus!” Marlene nudged his shoulder and he winced. She really ought to remember he isn’t one of her quidditch buddies with insane muscles.
He rubbed his shoulder and sighed heavily. “What?”
“Have you been listening to me?” She asked, and her expression was strangely full of knowledge.
“.. no.” He admitted.
He really hasn’t been acknowledging anyone today. What was his problem?
“Don’t worry, I’ve expected that. It’s not every day you watch your crush relentlessly flirt in front of you. Well, maybe to you it is.”
Remus choked on air. What is she talking about? Crush?
“Marlene. Dear, sweet, Marlene. I love you so much, but you have lost me there. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You’d know if you listened to me.” She scolded with a rather serious expression before a wide smile, even wider than before, overtook the frown.
“I was saying that I’ve noticed the way you look at Black. It is quite obvious you fancy him, and obviously jealous of all the girls he flirts with.” She seemed proud to have figured out all this but herself, but all of the information made Remus even more confused.
“What? I? Fancy Black? As in our Sirius Black?” Remus stuttered, gaping at Marlene. He was truly dumbfounded at that moment.
His quill fell from between his fingers, and he moved back as if he could defend himself from her accusations, resulting in his ink being knocked over by his elbow and spilling over his parchment.
“Fuck!” He hissed, moving his elbow away and examined his now ruined homework.
“Ha! This is gold!” Marlene bellowed, and Remus was sure Madam Pince would come over and berate them any second.
“Marlene, I have no idea what you’re talking about. This is absurd. You’re insane.” He spoke, his voice feeling quite foreign in his mouth. As if it didn’t belong to him.
“Yeah, sure,” she said and waved her hand in dismissal.
“Marlene, I don’t.. swing like that.” He tried explaining, cringing at the way he worded it.
Marlene seemed as though she were about to burst out laughing, but at the last moment a sly expression overtook her features.
“Why the jealous stares then?” She challenged.
“What do you mean? There’s no jealous stares. Can’t a guy look at his mate?”
Remus did look for a long time, he understood why she got things wrong.
Did she get it wrong, though?
No, no, that’s a silly thought. Of course she did.
“Not with jealousy, no.” She snickered.
“Marlene, keep one eye open when you go to sleep. I will be haunting you.” Remus threatened.
“You’re so cute when you're flustered! Don’t worry, I won’t tell Sirius.” She winked. “Or.. will I?”
“Marlene!” Remus gasped in horror. Oh, no. If Sirius hears this nonsense, he’ll surely stop being Remus’ friend.
Merlin. This could make things so complicated, and Remus doesn’t even fancy him!
He’s just a friend!
He’s never thought of Sirius that way, and never would. It’s ridiculous.
“Mm, talk to you later,” she said and picked up her quill, dipping it in ink before beginning to write down.
“Marlene—“
“Don’t worry, I was kidding. Your secret is safe with me.” She promised and glanced up at him. demonstrating with her hand moving across her mouth, locking it with an imaginary key and throwing it away.
Remus groaned.
She giggled and returned to her paper, leaving him with an ink stain on his white button up and a destroyed essay.
This was just great.