Stars
“Lovely, you seem to be stable.” Madam Pomfrey announced, flicking her wrist and watching magical diagrams of Remus’ condition.
A strong sense of relief filled Remus almost immediately, so fast it surprised him, but made him feel strangely better.
He was so fearful that something might happen this full moon. So scared having the marauders around would only make things worse, scared it would only serve to anger the wolf.
Remus was always fairly doubtful about how moons with the marauders would go, but now it seems his sense of uncertainty is taking control.
He didn’t know if this was for the better or worse.
Merlin, the things he could do to the marauders. He had been terrified that he’d do the unimaginable.
Remus’ stomach knotted in on itself in protest at the thought.
It was all too fresh.
Remus cleared his throat. “That’s good. May I leave?” He asked politely.
He was still feeling quite guilty of the way he thought of her before the moon.
He shouldn’t have gotten so.. Merlin, he didn’t know what he was feeling, but he just knew he disliked it.
And he was irritated, and it was directed at her, and if Remus didn’t know better he’d perhaps apologise.
The whole ordeal made him feel guilty. He loved Pomfrey dearly.
“Yes, yes you may. Just wait a moment, let me get you a few draughts of peace.” The matron said, flashing Remus a comforting smile as she strolled away.
Remus leant back against the hospital bed’s headboard, skimming through the morning’s events in his still cloudy from sleep mind.
He really didn’t expect to have such a conversation with Sirius at the crack of dawn, but life has its ways of surprising one.
He could only hope he wouldn’t cower away from his promise to talk to Sirius.
He really wanted to make up with him.
A tiny voice in Remus’ mind peaked up at this. ‘He called you insecure,’ the voice growled, cruel and full of rage.
A freezing bucket of water over Remus’ head.
He shut his eyes tight. He wanted to slam his head against the wall.
‘And he’s right.’
‘Oh, fuck off,’ Remus told the voice, and an evil laugh emerged, playing in Remus mind.
As strange as it was, Remus realised that the voice belonged to himself.
He really was crazy. Talking to himself like that.
Sometimes, it did feel like he was in an inner battle. Fighting off the unpleasant thoughts that kept reappearing, the doubt.
Madam Pomfrey returned, few potions in hand.
It was late in the evening when Remus had gone back to his shared dorm room and took a shower.
He had just gone out of the shower, a towel around his waist as he stood in front of the mirror and scrutinised himself.
He had a couple of long white strips across his belly, a few on his shoulders, and one awfully close to his collarbone.
He had destroyed his body. He destroyed one of the only things he couldn’t fix; his skin.
It was covered in marks, a constant reminder of the transformations he endures each month.
It made him sick.
Remus wanted to shatter the mirror to pieces. He’d grab one of the sharper glasses and—
A knock on the door was heard, and soon after a familiar voice followed.
“Remus?” Sirius called out. Remus, not Moony.
Remus felt conflicted. Sirius loved using Remus’ nickname, but now he barely did so. Not after he had left him the first time in the hallway, alone.
He swallowed down his inner turmoil, ignoring the bitter taste it left in his mouth. “Yes?”
“Prongs is in detention and Wormy’s with Emmeline Vance. Can we talk?” He asked. His voice was still empty. Devoid of anything that resembled Sirius. Very much businesslike.
Remus noticed yet again. Remus always notices stuff about Sirius.
“Sure, just let me chuck on some clothes.” He said, his voice unwavering. Unlike the way his heart was thrumming in his chest, it felt as though it were trying to leap out. Tear through the skin and bones and give itself over to Sirius, for some reason.
Maybe he just missed his friend. Might be it.
After a few minutes, Remus walked out the bathroom, finding Sirius sitting on the edge of his bed with his head down.
A few pieces of his hair fell across his face, and Remus’ fingers itched to brush them away.
Lately he was feeling weird stuff around Sirius. Must be because of their fight.
As Remus walked towards him, Sirius gazed up, masked gray eyes meeting hesitant brown ones.
Remus drew in a deep breath before settling down on his own bed, placed just beside Sirius’, so they were face to face.
“You think we can have a civilised conversation and actually solve things?” Sirius muttered sarcastically.
Remus honestly didn’t know. He didn’t tell that to Sirius, though. “I think we’d manage,” he shrugged awkwardly.
“Cheers.”
Silence. Neither Sirius nor Remus spoke, just glancing ahead at one another.
Remus didn’t know what he wanted to say. He didn’t know how much he’d tell.
If only he had anticipated this and could’ve planned ahead how much he wanted to expose.
He doesn’t want to tell Sirius anything. He wants to keep it all hidden away.
Remus’ stuff isn't worthy enough to be recognised. He’s being ridiculous, and Sirius has been through so much more.
Surely he just wouldn’t understand and it’d be a waste.
“So, Lupin, why did you hesitate when James asked if you wanted us with you on the full moon?” He questioned, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. His gray eyes shone with curiosity, and Remus could tell he really wanted to know the answer.
Remus was glad Sirius showed him some kind of emotion. Perhaps he’s realized it’d make stuff much easier.
Too bad for him, Remus was anything but ready to tell him. His throat closed in on itself, and all he could do was gape at Sirius.
If Remus told him, he’d lose the only thing he has control over.
If Remus told him, his secret was to be Sirius’, and Sirius doesn’t know how to manage with secrets.
He tells James everything, and so if telling Sirius means James knowing and perhaps wormtail, too, Remus doesn’t want to tell him.
His breath came in shallow bursts, his chest rising and falling with each unsteady breath, fighting against an inner force.
Remus knew what was happening before his brain caught up to it.
He was so pathetic.
His hands were trembling, and his forehead collected beads of sweat.
He was feeling warm, so bloody warm, even though he’s just showered.
He can’t tell Sirius, Sirius simply won't keep it to himself. He’d tell, and everybody would know, but even if he kept it to himself it’d be so bad.
Remus’ hands crept up, gripping onto his hair and pulling. He had to get over himself, he— he can’t, not in front of Sirius—
His mother, his mother, his mother helped him last time.
He needs his mum.
His heartbeat thundered in his chest, unsteady and wild, and—
Sirius wasn’t there anymore, and he was all alone, a full moon, a torn face, hot blinding pain, an open window, an enormous scar at his waist. A bite mark.
If Remus wasn’t so used to this feeling, he’d probably think he was dying.
He gripped harder onto his hair,
His senses were perfect, but now they were completely blocked out.
Remus’ body shook harder.
Blood, blood, blood.
Blood dripped from his face, the same way it did from his waist that cursed the same night, his parents panicking the same way.
His dad’s disapproving expression, his mum’s pity.
Lily’s pity. Everybody’s pity.
No control, no anything, all alone—
“Remus, Breathe,” Sirius’ calm tone tore through Remus’ conflict. His hands were gently wrapped around Remus’ wrists, tugging them away from his curls.
Remus shook his head frantically. He didn’t know what he was declining, but he just couldn’t—
“Everything’s okay, Remus,” he said reassuringly, his hands unwavering from Remus’ wrists.
Remus still couldn’t properly breathe. He tried
tearing his hands away from Sirius’ hold, needing to do something with them, and Sirius let him.
He didn’t feel real. He was a ghost, and he was lost, and everything was so horribly wrong—
“Hey, you think you could try and copy what I’m going to do?” Sirius spoke yet again, and Remus was so confused all he could do was stare at him, still trembling.
Sirius smiled triumphantly at having Remus’ attention and inhaled slowly through his nose, a few moments later exhaling through his mouth.
“Let's do this together, yea?” He grinned easily, his hand clasping onto Remus’.
This time it wasn’t his wrist but his palm.
He nodded, and the two boys breathed in and out together.
With each time, Remus began feeling a bit better. A bit more in control.
It took a while, but Remus was finally feeling better. More in control of what he was doing.
“Thank you,” Remus murmured, avoiding glancing directly at Sirius.
He felt the raven haired boy squeeze his hand delicately before pulling it away.
Oh, Merlin, his hand had been sweating and Sirius still held it.
He could die out of embarrassment.
“For how long have you been having panic attacks?” Sirius questioned, his voice cautious as though Remus could break each passing moment.
It irritated Remus immensely. This wasn’t a panic attack, that would be absurd.
“What makes you think this isn’t a first?”
“Well, you kept muttering ‘not again,’ several times, so.” Sirius explained, his hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck.
The air was heavy, palpable. Remus could almost taste it, feel it suffocating his insides and burning him.
He didn’t even realise he’d been talking.
“Have I?” He sighed, leaning his elbows against his knees, staring down at his sock wearing feet.
Sirius made a noncommittal sound. It resembled agreement. “Along with a few curses.” He said, his tone holding a note of amusement.
Remus forced a snort, hoping it resembled something close to a laugh and not the grimace it obviously was.
Remus has lost control over himself. Again.
Why does he keep doing that?
The truth crashed down to him like a humongous wave at the sea would, washing away any calm Sirius had managed to course through him.
He had a— well, episode. Not a panic attack, never, in front of Sirius.
Remus was a pathetic mess. He needed to get a grip on himself already.
At this rate, he’d go around Hogwarts screaming ‘My mind’s a mess!’
The thought made him feel horrible.
“By the way, this wasn’t a panic attack.” Remus said. He felt an intense need to make sure Sirius knew that.
Sirius shrugged and stared at him in a way that just screamed ‘I’m seeing through you.’
Remus hated it. Sirius didn’t know anything.
But then he spoke. “You said it wasn’t a first. How do you call it?”
“I don’t.”
Remus didn’t want to be alone with Sirius anymore. He didn’t want this conversation.
He wanted to go away.
He needed to. For his sanity.
He couldn’t answer Sirius’ question, or the previous one.
So he stood up from his place on the bed and swept out, walking to an unknown destination.
He ended up going to the astronomy tower. He didn’t know why.
He’s never cared for stars and constellations, and whatever they resembled.
For him, they were shiny spots in the sky that lit up the darkest of nights.
An irrelevant thing far, far away. Unreachable.
A heavy feeling placed itself upon his heart as he stared ahead at the moon. Restarted.
A countdown for the day Remus would suffer yet again.
Remus glared at the moon and ignored the stars.
He didn’t care for stars. He hated the moon.
The bright sun may watch him during the day, but the moon knew him better than anything.
The sun overlooked him. The moon ruined him. The stars were just there.
A weird kind of presence. Remus sometimes forgot stars existed.
Remus has a constellation of his own; the brightest star of them all.
Remus has Sirius, or at least he had.
He hoped Sirius wouldn’t stop being friends with him after what he saw.
He wished with all he had Sirius wasn’t disgusted with him.
He wasn’t disgusted when he found out Remus was a werewolf but fascinated, and werewolves are known dark creatures. He surely wouldn’t be so distraught with a small moment of weakness?
And what was that thing Sirius called it— panic attack? How would he know how to label it?
Remus knew Sirius didn’t have a great childhood. Knew his parents were, to say the least, horrible.
Which made him reach a dead end; has Sirius been dealing with something similar?
Remus didn’t know, and he didn’t like assuming things.
Remus gazed ahead at the moon for a long time.