Full moon
For the rest of the day, Remus’ mind had been restless— constantly thinking about the fact he may be overdoing things.
But that wouldn’t make sense, would it? He always puts so much attention into his work.
He spoke to Peter in such a mean way.
He spoke to Sirius in such a mean way, too.
But that’s because they just can’t grasp what Remus’ doing.
“You are insecure. You’re afraid of your own fucking shadow, Lupin.”
“Are you fucking insane?”
But Remus wasn’t insecure, he just took time to process things.
And he wasn’t insane, or any other thing that fixing Peter’s mess may have come out as, he just wanted things to be good.
It all seemed like they were the ones overreacting, not Remus.
Remus’ actions were fine.
He needed some time away from his friends, it didn’t make him insecure.
He made sure the lavender was properly cut, it didn’t make him insane.
Insane would be wrong, imperfect, out of his control.
The word Peter used was like a constant blow each time he thought about it. Insane, insane, insane.
The word was repeated frequently in his mind, haunting every fibre of him.
Insane. Sick. Twisted. Wrong.
He couldn’t possibly be sick. That’d mean he’s out of control, which he isn’t.
Remus is fine.
“Moony?” James called out, voice tentative.
He spoke from outside of Remus’ closed curtains, and Remus sighed heavily.
It had just been dinner, and he hoped he’d have at least one peaceful moment that day.
Fuck, Peter really did manage to make him all doubtful.
Remus sighed and closed the book in his lap, muttering a nox to diminish the light from his wand before he opened the curtains.
Right there, outside of his four poster, stood James, Sirius, and Peter.
James was the calmest of them all. He radiated assertiveness and strength, a grin eminent on his features.
Peter quite clearly was uncomfortable, his hands fidgeting and his gaze never really meeting Remus’.
Remus felt guilty. All of the mess with Peter was his fault. All of the mess with Sirius was his fault.
Sirius, who stood with a blank expression and hands shoved in his pockets.
Remus didn’t think he’d ever get used to seeing Sirius so joyless around him. So empty. He wished he didn’t have to, wish they’d make up.
Godric’s heart, Remus managed to fight with two marauders!
Two out of three!
“Um, hi?” Remus mumbled, unsure of what to say. It might’ve been easier if Sirius made it clear what he was thinking just like James and Peter, but he wore that perfect mask.
So neatly in place, tucking away any thought that may wander through his head.
At that moment, Sirius looked like the impeccable heir, and Remus wanted to tear his hair out.
None of their fights has ever been this bad. Never bad enough for Sirius to hide away.
It’s the first time Sirius has reached out to Remus, Remus presumed. Tossing aside the fact it was with the other marauders, they’re a few feet from one another.
Sirius didn’t look like his appearance from his free will. He kept staring determinedly at his feet, and when he was now, his glare shot daggers at James.
James, ever the leader with his endless charisma, spoke and ended the awful silence. “Full moon’s in a few days.”
His tone carried a bit of an edge to it.
Remus didn’t know why James was informing him about the moon. Of course Remus would know— he’s the one having his bones crashed and rearranged each month. “I know.”
James’ cheeks slightly pinkened but aside from that, he remained in his overly positive spirits. “Oh, good, that’s good.”
Remus stayed quiet. He didn’t know what to say. The whole conversation felt out of place.
“You.. Do you want us there?” James cautiously asked, glance darting from Remus towards the two other marauders and back.
Remus bit his bottom lip in thought. He knows he needs them and that if he wouldn’t have them on that moon, too, the Wolf is bound to get extremely miserable. His face was the living proof, after all.
Damn you for getting used to them, Remus would scold the wolf if he could. Damn you for being so independent!
He supposed that was to be expected. Wolves lived in packs. Wolves relied on other people. Gave over their control and trust.
Remus almost shivered at the realisation of how much of his control he had put into the marauders. He really was pathetic.
Remus didn’t know what to say. Yes, please, be there. I won’t be able to take it if I have another scare, or worse— die.
Or, No, who do you think I am? An incapable person? Screw yourselves!
He took a deep breath. Preparing himself for yet again losing his control. Giving over his everything.
Remus wanted to throw up.
He wanted to cry.
He wanted to laugh.
He wanted to scratch at his skin.
He wanted to scream.
“If you can.” He mumbled, his voice barely audible. It was a small, fragile sound. A pitiful little thing.
James’ eyes brightened immediately. He all but beamed, his grin widening. “Okay, Moony!”
It seemed that James may think this moon would ‘fix’ what Remus had so carelessly done.
Peter’s face stretched into a smile of its own, but it was evidently forced.
Sirius, yet again, didn’t react. He didn’t glare at James or his feet anymore, and stared ahead at Remus.
His gaze was watchful. It made Remus uncomfortable.
It distinctly felt as if Sirius saw something.
Noticed something the others didn’t, and it scared Remus immensely.
What did he notice?
Remus was seated on the small bed perched against the wall at the shrieking shack, his back against the wall.
The full moon isn’t bound to begin for another half an hour, but Remus was too stressed to wait.
Madam Pomfrey didn’t do as much as arch an eyebrow at Remus’ request to go earlier, but smiled warmly at him.
Remus didn’t like it. It made him feel a deep need to do an extremely violent action, just to watch that expression of pure— empathy— vanish.
He knew he shouldn’t be this irritated. She probably assumed it was fear of events repeating themselves— but it still managed to bother him.
Madam Pomfrey was amazing, and Remus wanted to throw up from how much he loathed that caring expression on her face.
Remus assumed he may be a bit scared.
Last month he almost killed himself out of deep agony of being left alone. How would the wolf react to having the marauders, his adopted pack, back?
Would he feel betrayed? Saddened? Or excited and relieved?
Remus hoped it’d be one of the positive suggestions.
He hoped giving up his control for a night won’t be as painful and gut wrenching as it always was.
He was once told the transitions believed to get easier with age. It never did.
He really hoped a miracle would occur and he’d have a break of feeling so horrible.
As Remus woke up, he immediately smelt dirt. fresh dirt; possibly mud.
His head was pounding loudly in his ears, and it felt as though everything was aching.
The realisation something might’ve gone down downed him.
His heart leapt to his throat.
How did the wolf react to having the marauders back? Surely it didn’t feel too betrayed to have spent the last moon alone (considering the consequences his face paid, he probably did).
Remus slowly cracked open his eyes, almost immediately getting illuminated by a dark orange light. the sunrise.
As his eyes focused on the view in front of him, he was met with the old ceiling of the shrieking shack.
He noticed there was a filthy blanket draped over him, and he appreciated the coverage.
He let out a small sigh of discomfort, pulling himself up to a sitting position at the fastest speed he managed, looking around the place nervously.
He didn’t have time to register his body’s reaction as he let out a heavy sigh of relief. The marauders were fine.
They were each at a random corner of the place, all leaning on their elbows in a light slumber.
Only then Remus remembered his precious ritual; he always makes sure to check his body for injuries, even if the marauders were around.
It's been a habit for so long he can’t imagine not doing it. It feels wrong.
He felt around his body, his hands skimming the surface in an attempt to check for any wounds he may not feel yet.
Maybe the wolf tried doing something again, he could never know.
The action carried with it attention, and someone spoke. “You didn’t get hurt,” Sirius said, his voice disturbingly calm.
Remus startled, hands gripping the blanket and pulling it closer to him, under his neck.
Did Sirius see any of his scars?
And what was that anyway?
Sirius’ tone was devoid of any warmth and was frankly hollow; as if it was existing to simply be but not serve a purpose.
Remus only managed to stare at Sirius and watch him; it was unfair how Sirius managed to look out together even after a whole night wide awake.
His hair curled loosely around his shoulders, dark circles shadowing his gray detached eyes. His jaw sharp, his posture rigid as he leaned against the shack’s wall, facing Remus.
If Remus was a bit breathless, and he wasn’t, he sure as hell wouldn’t admit anything to anyone.
Sirius cocked an eyebrow, curiously colouring his face. Remus was a bit confused; looking at his questioning expression before he quickly came to the realisation.
He hadn’t answered Sirius yet.
“Oh.” He said dumbly, internally scolding himself.
How did he manage to get so.. lost in Sirius’ appearance that he had gone tongue-tied?
He may have gotten away just fine with not responding to him, but the way he stared at Sirius may have sold him.
Remus’ ears reddened and he averted his gaze, clearing his throat gingerly.
“So, how did the moon go? How was..” how was the wolf?
Remus really didn’t want to refer to him as the same as the wolf; he’s learnt to differ the two over time. It hurt too much to think of himself as that thing he becomes each full moon.
“Fine,” Sirius replied vaguely.
Remus bit his bottom lip, nerves washing over him. Was Sirius injured after all? That fine sounded anything but assuring to Remus.
He clenched the blanket tighter, seeking some foreign feeling he didn’t quite understand.
He wanted something sharp to cut through the skin. He wanted to watch it bleed, he wanted pain.
What he didn’t want was the disappointing soft fabric between his fingers.
Sirius likely noticed Remus’ distress, because he hurried to provide more details. “The wolf was excited, actually. He was really over the moon.”
Remus had to stifle a snort at the unintentional pan. He knew any other day, Sirius would be bellowing from the joke. But now? Now, he didn’t have any reaction.
“We went to the forest, ran for a while, and came back.” Sirius finished talking, the smooth yet empty voice from earlier intact.
Remus didn’t miss responding this time, even if he wanted to scrutinise Sirius a bit more. He didn’t know why he wanted to do that.
He doesn’t seem to know a lot lately.
“That’s good.” He said lamely.
A second of silence.
Another.
Sirius gazing up at the ceiling above, drawing in a deep breath as though readying himself before his eyes bore into Remus’.
Remus’ breath hitched.
“You hesitated. Why did you hesitate?” He questioned, his voice not masking quite well his curiosity.
Remus, on the other hand, was immensely confused. “Hesitated? What?”
The other boy rolled his eyes, somewhat exasperated, as though Remus was odd for not understanding.
“A few days ago, James asked if you wanted us with you during the full moon, you hesitated. Seemed as if it physically pained you to agree.”
Remus’ eyes widened. He just knew Sirius had caught him that day. It had been nagging at him, and just when he’d finally managed to let it go, Sirius bloody confirmed he’d noticed!
He opened his mouth to speak, to offer an explanation— anything that might sound convincing— but Sirius cut him off.
“I don’t understand why. I don’t understand you. The day we told you we were animagi you were practically bouncing with joy, but now you seem almost reluctant to be around us.”
Sirius’ gray eyes were a storm, swirling with emotions. Remus didn’t understand which one began and which one ended, he didn’t understand what Sirius was feeling.
He wished he did.
“I just needed a moment.”
“Sod off. Why can’t you just tell me the truth? You hid your scar the whole summer and now you’re— I don't know! Tell me! Aren’t we friends?!”
“I know you've been feeling like we haven’t been talking lately, but how was I supposed to know? You haven’t communicated any of it to me!” Sirius’ voice was getting dangerously louder, and Remus pinched the bridge of his nose.
Remus glanced out the window, noticing the sun was considerably higher up the sky; the orange glow long gone. Madam Pomfrey would be here soon.
“You guys need to go.” He mumbled. It was a half-hearted attempt.
Surprisingly, Sirius rose up to his feet without protest.
“Promise me we’ll talk soon.” Sirius implored, eyes staring into Remus’.
Remus wordlessly agreed with a curt nod.
Soon enough, the marauders stumbled out the door, yawning and stretching, and Remus was left alone to get clad.
He only hoped his future conversation with Sirius would solve their conflict rather than worsen it.
With them both, you could never know.