Lavender
“So, Lils, why are we here?” Remus asked, arching an eyebrow.
Remus had woken up too early, five am to be exact, and decided that going back to sleep would be a waste if he could go down to the empty common room to read and go over some school material.
As it seemed, Lily had the exact same situation and they had both read in the peaceful silence, relishing in the serenity of Gryffindor tower in the morning.
They went at it for an hour, until James and Sirius scattered down the stairs, clad in quidditch uniforms and brooms in hand.
James was chatting vehemently to Sirius, all hand motions and wide grins until he spotted Remus and Lily.
He flashed them both his signature grin, waving all good naturally.
Sirius didn’t react much to Remus’ presence and only kept walking.
Remus didn’t mind much. He waved to James and returned to his book.
He thought he’d get to read a bit more until their classes began, but not only mere minutes after James and Sirius’ descend, Lily announced that she wanted to watch the quidditch practice, not giving Remus much of an explanation before they descended down the stairs and followed in James and Sirius’ footsteps.
So, now, they were out in the warm weather of the early morning, watching the players practice their moves.
Lily’s cheeks slightly flushed as she gazed longingly ahead.
It took her a few moments to answer, her hands nervously fidgeting with one red strand of her hair.
“Fresh air.” She said, but her voice held a certain tone that told Remus everything he needed to know.
“Oh, Lily Evans, I’ve never taken you for a liar.” He proclaimed, a teasing smile lazily stretching on his face.
“Bugger off, Remus! I’m serious!” Lily scolded, finally turning away from the field.
Remus expected her expression to hold some sort of irritation but instead, all there was only a firm blush creeping up her neck and embarrassment.
With her reaction, it almost looked as if she were caught doing something she shouldn’t— like a child stealing chocolate before dinner.
She dropped her glance to the floor and heaved a sigh.
“Drop it, would you?” She mumbled as she leant against the railing, tucking her chin under her hand.
She seemed unreasonably ashamed, and Remus was so confused.
Lily was one of the most confident people he’s ever met, what could make her so red faced?
His question was answered faster than he imagined as he realised who Lily was glancing at. James on his broom, shouting instructions to the team.
“Can’t quite see the appeal,” Remus said, bursting out in laughter as she sharply turned her head towards him, red hair flapping around her from the impact.
“What?” She asked quizzically, panic shining in her green eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, you know, just how you’ve been staring all this time at Ja—“ Remus didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence as Lily practically jumped at him, slapping her hand over his lips.
“Shh! He could hear you!” She said, highly alarmed, and Remus raised his eyebrows before licking at her palm.
“Oh my god, Remus!!” She shrieked in disgust and tore her hand away, pulling her wand out of her pocket with the other and muttering scourgify under her breath like five times before she tucked it back in.
Remus had to stifle another wave of laughter before a sly smirk made its way onto his mouth. “So, you’ve got something to confess?”
“No.” She said, abashed.
“I did catch you staring.”
“Staring at who?” She feigned obliviousness.
“Lily.” Remus implored.
“Fine! Fine. I.. need some entertainment?” She said, and immediately winced afterwards. That sounded like a question, even to her own ears.
“And that’s why you’re blushing so much?”
“Damn you. It’s..” she groaned in annoyance at having to admit the next thing Remus saw it from a mile away.
“I think I might fancy Potter. Ridiculous, isn’t it?” As she spoke, her gaze instinctively darted towards the hovering figure of James, chatting with another player.
“No. Why would it be?” Remus questioned, looking at her curiously.
“Well, he’s asked me out about a hundred times and each time I’ve refused.”
“Well, you can change your mind. And seemingly, you did.”
“I said I might. Keyword, might.”
“Yeah, okay, Lily.”
Remus stared down at his and Peter’s empty shared cauldron.
Professor Slughorn had tasked them with making a dreamless sleep potion, explaining how it could help her during OWLs when things got too stressful, and then quickly sent them off to find partners.
Usually, Remus would pair up with Lily, but this time Lily paired with Mary.
She had told him the previous day Mary had complained an awful lot about not understanding the new potions material, and chose to help her friend.
And that’s how he found himself with Peter.
It was for the better, anyway. Spending some time with him will perhaps help the somewhat awkward setting of the marauder’s relationship after Remus and Sirius’ not very subtle avoidance of one another.
He made quick work of finding the designed ingredients, taking the ones he didn’t find from the cupboard.
“Alright, we can begin now.” Remus said and nodded to himself in contemplation, looking down at the ingredients in front of him, all arranged in the right order.
He mustn’t let Peter meddle with the potion too much; Remus knows he can do it much better alone but this task requires partners.
Working with Lily had been easier. She was very good at potions and neat when working. Her being a perfectionist perhaps helped in some way.
“I could chop the lavender?” Peter offered and Remus nodded in agreeance, adding one cup of water into the cauldron.
As they worked, Peter rambled on about his summer; but Remus was only half listening. His focus was solely on Peter’s every movement, his eyes following each motion closely. He couldn’t help it, he had to make sure everything was done the proper way.
Predictably, Peter failed.
Remus knew working in pairs was supposed to be about letting someone else take charge too, but as it seemed, Remus wasn’t able to do that. The idea of letting someone else— someone that was doing things differently, imperfectly, bothered him.
Staring at Peter cutting the lavender bothered Remus immensely, especially as he did it in his own way and not the way Remus usually liked to do. The need to take the knife away and complete the task gnawed at him like a distant itch just out of his reach.
Remus kept his gaze fixated on every motion Peter made, the boy still blabbering and working in such an aggravating way.
He was holding the knife at a really odd angle too, and Remus dug his nails into the skin of his palms as he tried to subdue the need to take over. To fix what Peter was clearly doing wrong.
Peter wasn’t bad at potions, he was quite alright compared to some others, but this was different.
This was something he was doing with Remus, and Remus simply couldn’t bear the idea of a flaw.
His eyes locked on a particular big chunk of lavender that Peter cut rather poorly, resting just beside the smaller ones on the cutting board, and the mismatch of it all made him seethe.
The urge to just mend it— to make it better— became quickly unbearable.
“Can’t you see you’re doing it all wrong?!” He snapped as Peter yet again cut all wrong, his voice full of frustration.
“Merlin, just look at that piece! It is cleary bigger than the others! And you’re holding the knife wrong, and being too rough with it—“ before Peter could react, Remus snatched the knife away from him and began going over each piece, tiny or big, and fixing each mistake Peter had made.
Each imperfection that stuck out to Remus like a rose’s thorn, sharp and unwelcome, prickling at him with a constant reminder of its flaws.
He loathed it. Loathed how each error seemed to stick out to him more than to others, and that people couldn’t do the easy things such as following simple instructions.
Remus may have come off as harsh, but so what?
This wasn’t about taking over Peter’s task, it was about making things right.
For another person, Remus’ dedication may come off as obsessive, but he simply couldn’t let it look that way.
Looking at the lavender made Remus feel nuisance. Why was each piece so different? It needs to be perfect—
“Are you fucking insane?” Peter’s voice called out, and Remus particularly jumped, having been caught off guard.
“What? No,” Remus said with a firm shake off his head, returning back to cutting the lavender.
Some shapes stuck out to him and he had to resist the temptation to just crash them.
Why was it all so messy? Why couldn’t Peter cut it better and save Remus the distress?
“No, Remus, something’s got to be seriously wrong. Nobody is that preoccupied with just Lavender.” He said, and Remus felt seen, too seen and it scares him so much.
He wished at that moment he had James’ invisibility cloak so he could escape Peter’s scrutinising gaze.
Peter’s face flashed with worrisome, and Remus couldn’t bear it. He had no reason to be worried— it was just lavender, as he said, so why was he being watched so intently?
Remus glared at Peter. The boy flinched slightly, the intensity of Remus’ reaction taking him by surprise. “Nobody needs to be so occupied with lavender if they chop it right. Which you evidently didn’t.” He bit out, his voice full of poison.
“I’ve done it just fine! I always cut this way and the potion turns out well!”
“Yeah, well, not perfect.”
“Things don’t need to be perfect!”
“Let’s see how far you get in life with that attitude.”
“Oh, fuck you, Lupin. It’s just cutting.”
Remus wanted to cry out Peter didn’t understand. For Peter, it was just cutting.
For Remus, it was a game changer. He needed to do things the way they were supposed to be done. He needed it all perfect and well and under his control.
He couldn’t let anything slip up. If he lets himself cut it Peter’s way just once, he’d probably do it again and again and before you know it— Remus earns another imperfection to his already big collection.
Remus felt a lump in his throat. His hands were trembling and he immediately released the knife that was in a death-grip in one of Remus’ hands.
Peter’s eyes were drawn to the action, and Remus hurried to shove his hands in his pockets.
Peter’s eyes softened. “Remus—“
The pity in his voice was too much. The gentle look in his eyes.
It made Remus irritated.
Hot rage pooled into Remus’ stomach, soothing and familiar and it evolved around Remus so comfortingly.
“Fuck off, Pettigrew,” he sneered. “Just because you don’t seem to do anything right, doesn’t mean that I’m overdoing things. Perhaps you should take a look at your own work.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Peter asked, eyes widening.
Remus shrugged. “That perhaps me, James and Sirius won’t always be able to help you with your homework.”
Something flashed in Peter’s eyes that Remus couldn’t quite understand, as he quickly stared down at his shoes as he flushed in embarrassment.
Remus almost immediately felt ashamed. Oh, Merlin, he spoke so harshly at Peter.
Peter, who was calling Remus sick because he simply didn’t understand.
Remus couldn’t make him understand if he tried. In the end, nobody did.
The most bothersome thing from the situation was that Remus still had that involuntary need to return to chopping. Things still weren’t perfect.
Remus turned his gaze away from Peter. He was a horrible friend. He made Peter feel bad, only because he was confronted.
But it wasn’t true. Remus paid normal attention to lavender. He did this with everything.
He always had this quirk to just.. fix things. Again, and again, until they were to his satisfaction.
Sometimes he’d even stare out the window until he was sure nothing was out there. It was his way of gaining control and staying safe.
Peter didn’t understand. Nobody did. This wasn’t some ‘obsessive’ action. It was Remus’ way of remaining secure.
It's almost impossible for Remus to view his actions as him overdoing things.
All of the things he did were absolutely necessary.
Remus just takes stuff a bit more serious than others. Yes. He does nothing wrong.
People only view it as obsessive because they don’t do half as much.
It’s all obviously needed.
But is it?
Doubt crept up at Remus, and he stared down at the lavender.
What if Remus is wrong? What if everything he ever did was wrong?
What if Peter was right? What if Remus was sick?
But that’d be all wrong, because Remus has no reason to be this way—
“Class dismissed! We’ll keep working on these next lesson.” Slughorn’s cheery voice spoke, and Remus almost immediately slung his bag over his shoulder and fast-walked away.
If he could run without attracting attention, he would’ve.
He didn’t know what he was escaping. Peter, the lavender, or perhaps— his thoughts.
Foolish Remus. He could never escape his mind, no matter how much he tried.