Firework
One hour after Remus’ departure from the Great Hall, the three marauders tumbled into their dorm.
The room has always carried an atmosphere of silliness and bliss. It had really become their home for the past five years. Now, moving on to a sixth, the year was opening with an awful.. accident.
Remus was seated on his four-poster, curtains opened, with a book in his lap.
It had taken him quite a bit to calm himself down, but eventually he had enough peace of mind to manage some light reading.
He glanced up at the boys before him, the book in his lap now long forgotten. He'd always get lost in his books and wouldn’t turn his gaze away almost under any circumstances, but now, seeing them and knowing he’d have to admit weakness made him too nervous altogether. His stomach gave an unpleasant churn, and Remus felt like he’s about to get sick.
He prayed to god that everything would go well, because undoubtedly— if it wouldn’t he might just become a runaway, live among muggles in some unknown part of the country and have thirty cats.
He could almost see it; a scarred werewolf with only cats for companions in some ditched place.
Remus’ glance darted over to Sirius. His face was blank, a careful mask hiding his feelings from the outside world.
Remus couldn't help but wonder if Sirius was scared of him? Disgusted? Unsettled by his face? he must be.
“Remus, mate—“ James began talking, much braver than all, but a much squeaker voice cut him off. “What the hell happened to you?” Peter questioned.
Remus knew this was the moment to tell them everything, the moment he’d tell the marauders how disgustingly depended on them he had become, and he dreaded it.
The syllables came out of his mouth long dragged and with obvious dismay, “full moon.”
Two words, a big meaning standing behind them.
They all took a moment to process this, before
Peter’s skin paled in horror with realisation. Remus truly didn’t want him to feel bad— it wasn’t his fault, afterall.
“I— I’m so—“ the shorter boy stuttered out, but Remus shook his head.
“‘S fine,” he reassured. Peter didn’t look like it did much to comfort him.
James, on the other hand, was seemingly feeling guilty too— probably his saviour complex— and rushed to speak up, “We are so sorry for not being there!”
He took a step closer towards Remus, as though he were trying to accentuate the words’ meaning, and Peter followed suit. Sirius remained behind.
Remus paid no attention to him. Let him fucking sulk for all he wants. Remus didn’t regret ditching him in the hallway even one bit.
James’ attempt to apologise made Remus agitated, instead of making him feel some sort of affectionate way.
Usually, before all of this, he’d be grateful for having such caring friends.
But now? Now he wanted an out. He didn’t want their apologies and pity looks.
He thought he was ready for a talk, because truly, what is there to be ready for? Only a new scar.
Remus didn’t know why he felt so deeply since all of it had happened, but he just wanted an escape.
“Like I said, it’s fine. I’ve done this since I was five, James. Five.” His voice was firm and steady.
“I know, I know, but—“ James protested, but Remus didn’t give him a chance to finish. “No, you don’t know! I have dealt with full moons ever since I remember myself, I certainly do not need you guys for every one!” He said, words full of venom.
Remus really did try to suppress his anger, but it seemed that he was like a firework; the moment it caught fire, there wasn’t much time to wait before it exploded.
Just that for Remus, instead of colourful sparkles, he spit bitterness into the world, staining it.
James was clearly speechless from Remus’ outburst, eyes widened in shock behind his glasses.
It was quiet for a moment. James was dumbfounded, Peter still wearing that guilty expression, and Sirius… At that moment, he took a step forward. It seemed he didn’t feel like staying quiet anymore.
“Well, strangely enough, the only time we weren’t with you after a whole year of accompanying you, you got a huge fucking scar.” He said, his voice sharp enough to cut.
Good, Remus thought.
This was exactly what he needed. A fight. To let his sorrow out without exposing any of his feelings.
And what was more perfect to do it then have a brawl with Sirius?
“As if you can talk. You’ve never seen any of my scars. I’ve had worse.” Remus sneered.
Sirius was speaking as if he ever saw any of Remus’ long, white strips, covering his skin in ugly jagged lines. He hasn't.
“Oh? that's right. You’ve never shown us any because you are insecure. You’re afraid of your own fucking shadow, Lupin.” He spat, rolling his eyes and shoving one hand into his pocket. His posture radiated confidence, he seemed so assured in every single word slipping out of his mouth as if he knew the source of it all.
Remus’ eyes widened to triple their size. The accusation hit him like a slap in the face, rough and bruising.
What does Sirius even know? It’s not like he ever noticed Remus beyond the usual prank and banter. They aren't connected on the emotional side for a long time, so why pretend?
The weight of his friends’ stares hit him harder than before, Cold sweat trickling down his neck.
his hands trembled, and he hurried to busy them with the book in his lap.
“And what gives you the right to say that? You’re the least observant person I know. Always busy with yourself or with birds.” His voice held a slight tremor as he spoke.
Sirius' eyes widened ever so slightly, but he remained collected. Remus knew it was a low blow, but what could he say at.. at being so cruelly.. called out?
No, that’s ridiculous. Sirius’ words didn’t hold any meaning for Remus. Being called out is for something you’re actively doing. He wasn’t insecure, he was just— careful.
Sirius snorted. His eyes shone with amusement, and he cocked an eyebrow. “Aw, Lupin, did I hurt your feelings? Hit too close to home?” He teased
“Even if you tried you couldn’t. When’s the last time we talked?”
Sirius remained unwavering. “Well, before you began ignoring our letters!” He accused, irritation as clear as water in his tone.
“No, Sirius, I mean actually spoke. You’re so big on knowing all of my feelings, but the last time we actually did talk about them was third year!”
Sirius flinched. A crack in his facade.
The air was thicker, more suffocating; Remus was bordering on getting uncomfortable by the whole situation but he was quite eager to see what Sirius would say.
Sirius clenched and unclenched his fists a few times before he tore the bathroom’s door open and rushed inside. Coward.
The only variation to Sirius’ hidden emotions was the way he roughly slammed the door shut.
Remus’ eyes remained on that same door for a short moment before he glanced back at Peter and James.
James gulped before walking up to Remus’ four poster and leaned against the frame.
“That has gone badly.” He sighed. Remus nodded in agreement.
He was hit with a wave of fatigue.
It seemed the fight had left him as fast as it came.
“Don’t— don’t involve yourself in this. It's between me and him. I get it that you care about him, but I really don’t feel like being berated.” Remus hurried to say, anticipating James’ speech.
“I won’t— promise, Moony. It’s just..” He promised before pausing for a moment.
“Some of what you said was really low. You practically called him a manwhore.” He added. Remus scoffed.
“He called me insecure.” He explained the reason for his choice of words. He was insulted, why was it so wrong if he insults back?
James hesitated. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it—“
“Prongs,” Remus interrupted him. James bit his bottom lip and stopped talking. Remus took it as a sign to continue.
“You know he did. He always means what he says. He’s impulsive and speaks what first comes to mind.”
James truly looked lost and stared at his feet. “Lets just.. keep the peace, yes?” He asked, a tinge of hope in his voice.
“Only if he gets off my back,” Remus grumbled.
And that was that. He wasn’t in the mood to talk anymore, so rose up from his four poster, held his book in one hand and simply walked out the room.
It still wasn’t curfew, so he supposed he could reside in the common room for a while.
As he took his leave, he slammed the door shut just as loudly as Sirius did, too, just to let him know he was out and angry.
He knew it was childish, but at that moment he couldn't care less.
Let James deal with the aftermath of Sirius’ feelings. Remus could be just as stubborn as him.
Remus was seated at the common room, occupying one of the crimson armchairs with the previous book he’d stopped reading in favour of the marauders in his lap.
He was so interested within the book, nose almost touching the parchment as he avidly read, that he almost didn’t notice a finger tapping his shoulder.
Remus glanced up, an answer on the tip of his tongue as he prepared to see James or even Peter, but came face to face with Lily Evans.
She looked towards the armchair beside Remus’, and raised an eyebrow in a silent question.
Remus shrugged. She sat down.
“You don’t have to explain anything,” she began talking, fear shining within her eyes.
Even as she was sitting at the comfortable chair, her posture was rigid and her shoulders tense.
Oh no. She was scared of Remus. She'd stop being friends with him. She probably thinks he’s insane—
“Please don’t go away. We can sit in silence, and I won’t bother you.”
Oh. Fear of Remus leaving her.
“It’s okay.” He mumbled. “I already told the marauders, may as well tell you.”
It didn't have the relaxing effect Remus aimed for, but he assumed she’d calm down soon enough after he’d explain.
He cast a look around. The common room wasn’t full and bustling with energy, most already gone to sleep, but he didn't want to risk his odds.
With a flick of his wand, he said the familiar incantation. “Quietus,”
She had a curious expression, perhaps wondering what was so secretive, but didn’t comment on the charm in use and only leaned closer towards Remus, her unwavering attention on him.
“I.. had a bad moon,” he began explaining.
“James and Sirius were sick and Peter was scared to come by himself, and— and I know it’s not his fault, I wouldn’t have come alone to face a deadly creature by myself too!” He came to a halt for a breath, and because it was Lily, sweet and kind Lily that understood him so well— he continued, telling her more than he told the marauders. He only hoped he wouldn’t beat himself over it later.
“But it really messed me up, these new scars, and I don’t know why. I’ve always had scars, it’s a normal occurrence at this point, but these ones are just—“ he frowned. He didn’t know what these scars were, they just annoyed him. He hated them. They made everything too real.
“Different?” Lily suggested quietly. Remus noticed her posture calmed just a bit, as if the realisation Remus wasn’t attacked on anything soothed her.
Remus considered, before nodding. “Yea,” he sighed. “And Sirius— god, that tosser!”
“Sirius?” Lily asked curiously. “What’s Sirius got to do with all of this?”
So, Remus reencounted the entire evening up to this point.
Lily seemed right about being pissed. “Oh, fucking Black, trust him to be all dramatic.”
“I know! And only because I didn’t talk to him in the hall.” He sighed heavily.
“Do you.. do you think I was too harsh?” He asked quietly.
“Hmm, maybe. Do you really feel like that, though? Like you two didn’t truly speak for a long time?” The redheaded questioned.
Remus thought it over for a moment before nodding. “I guess I do.”
“Then you weren’t.” She said, as if it was as simple as that.
An immense amount of stress almost immediately left him at the confirmation.
Remus released a breath he didn’t even know he'd been holding. He really does despise identifying if what he does is wrong or right, so having someone to help him with just a bit of his doubts was a relief.
A great sense of control. Remus didn’t do anything wrong, he was in control.
He was okay.