Back at Hogwarts
After apparating to King’s Cross and passing the 9 ¾ barrier, Remus said goodbye to his parents.
His mother had been emotional and spilt a few tears as she tightly hugged him, softly whispering encouraging words. They did nothing to make Remus feel better, but he still tried to smile at her. He knew it probably looked like more of a strange twitch of his lips than a smile, but his mother still smiled back. After departing from his mother, he said a much more awkward, shorter goodbye to his father. His father didn’t seem very sad to have his dangerous half-breed son away.
Soon enough, Remus found himself alone in a compartment near the very end of the train.
Just like how he’d wanted. Peace and quiet.
His wish for loneliness came with its consequences. Whenever Remus was alone, his thoughts were in full attack, judging every small decision he’s made that led up to this moment.
He shouldn’t have opened up to his mum. She's probably worried sick about him. He lost control and he broke, and now he’s—
Now he’s a coward, he’s a fool, he’s weak. He didn’t even manage to keep his own thoughts in, blabbering nonsense to his mum, so what would he do around other people?
Remus can’t trust himself. He could let anything slip at any time.
He was exhausted.
Despite going to sleep relatively early the day before and woke up at a convenient hour, he was immensely tired. He felt as though he could sleep for eternity if he had the opportunity.
Maybe you could, if you were brave enough, a voice in his head said, mean and intending to hurt, and Remus immediately dismissed the thought.
Remus was fine. He was okay and happy. He had a good life except for his lycanthropy problem.
Earlier, when his mother had helped him take off his bandage, he almost flinched when seeing what’s beneath. The scar wasn’t as pink and as bloody like it was when he first saw it, but it was very much present and very much there.
On his skin. marking him. a permanent thing.
Remus had endless scars, but these ones bothered him to the end of earth.
These ones he couldn’t hide with clothing. These ones were proud and took so much of his face.
Even a glamour charm didn’t do much for him. He was stuck with these.
He couldn’t deny those scars. The others, he could behind long sleeved shirts and an avoidance of mirrors.
One night, a few days after it happened, Remus wished the wolf had finished what it began.
Thinking about it now, it was a rather stupid thought. He could always finish it himself, wolf or wizard or anything.
The only thing he found comfort in at the moment was that he still hadn’t had to deal with any marauders. With all the time in the world, he wouldn’t be able to prepare himself to the moment their eyes would lie on him and all they’d see is those gruesome scars.
Just as Remus had got his book for the ride out, because really— who could spend those nine hours from bustling London to now familiar Scotland doing nothing— Lily burst in.
She looked the same as ever. Familiar. Her ginger hair was in two braids, tied with white bows at the end. She was clad in her Hogwarts uniform already, perhaps something to do with the prefect's meeting, the golden and red prefect pin sitting proud on top of her robes.
“Hiya, Remus! Heard from Potter you are nowhere in sight, so I put it upon myself to find you.” She chatted away, not having noticed his face yet but fiddling with something in her hands that looked familiar to a letter.
She kept happily talking about her summer, still fiddling with the piece of parchment, before she glanced up at him, her mouth opened as though she were about to say something and closed immediately.
The happiness drained from her gaze, confusion and worrisome replacing it.
Remus felt right about naked. Exposed to Lily’s scrutiny.
“What.. what happened?” She whispered, sounding as though she didn’t believe her own words.
Remus had only mere moments ago freaked out about the very thing, he couldn’t possibly explain it to her. Not so soon after exposing so much of himself to his mum.
It should probably worry him how unwilling he was to speak at the moment, but he couldn’t bother with it. His only intention was to stay silent and show he’s fine.
Lily was still staring at him.
Remus prepared himself for her disgusted gaze.
It never came.
Her expression of apprehension, and Remus tried to search for that small bit of aversion, he really did, but he found none of it. She was worried about him, as much as he’d gathered.
Lily was one of the easiest people to read. She showed people what she felt with no fear of rejection, that’s just who she was. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons James had helplessly fallen for her.
“Remus..” she attempted yet again, and Remus bit his bottom lip down hard, relishing in the pain shooting through his scar. He couldn’t tell her. Not right now. He needed to think, he needed quiet. He was probably as clear as water because Lily sat in the seat in front of him, her hand clasping onto his own.
“I have a prefect meeting. I promise afterwards I’ll come straight back here, okay? We don’t need to talk. I’ll just sit here in silence.” Her attempt at somewhat comforting him was an immediate failure.
That’s just what he needed to feel better. Pity.
He said as much, and she immediately vehemently shook her head. “Pity? Please, you’re the last person I’d pity after we got that bad grade on our hair-raising potion last year.” She said with a forced chuckle, and the very attempt of humour at such a moment made Remus remember who he was talking to.
Lily Evans, the kindest person he’s ever met that was right now actively trying to make him feel more normal.
The empathetic girl that always somehow managed to know just what he was feeling, while others took a fine time to figure out.
She was looking at him in such a thoughtful way, her green irises more visible due to the sun from the window, making her look dazzling.
Remus had truly missed Lily. Her soft features, her silly yet knowledgeable expressions, the fiery shade of her hair. Everything about her was familiar, yet Remus wanted nothing more than for the earth to swallow him whole.
He didn’t try to fake a laugh. She’d know it was fake anyway. He only stared at her, just like he’d done this entire time, expression impassive.
She seemed hesitant before raising to her feet and walking towards the compartment's exit. Just before she slid out into the narrow hallway, she turned around.
“Do you want me to tell the others anything? They’re worried.” Lily mumbled.
Remus figured it's true. Of course, they have a right to be worried after Remus hadn’t as much as acknowledged them for the past month, but it’d be nice if he didn’t have to worry about it.
Remus sighed. Better to tell her to say something to them rather than wait and have them burst in.
“Tell them I’d talk to them at Hogwarts.” Please, let me have this just until we’re back.
Lily nodded before her face shifted, hesitation taking over her features.
“Can I come back, then? I promise I’ll be quiet. You wouldn’t even notice I’m here.” She enquired cautiously.
Remus didn’t want to be with anyone, really, but it was only Lily. She’d see through him anyway. She knew him too well for him to try and fuck around.
“Fine.” He mumbled, and her whole face immediately brightened up, and she gave one final nod before leaving.
He could only hope his friends would listen to him and wait until Hogwarts.
After a hour of peaceful reading, Remus was at a much calmer state than before. He managed to read without getting distracted by the day’s previous events, only really thinking about it a few times, and he considered that a small win.
For all that time, nobody bothered Remus. He was alone in the compartment and he was relishing every second.
Remus’ stomach knotted at the thought of being back at Hogwarts. He wouldn’t be able to avoid the marauders for much longer, and the compartment had become an involuntary sanctuary.
He’d need to face his friends sooner or later, he knew that. but he was fine with delaying it as much as possible. After all, he told Lily she could share a compartment with him, which he regarded as enough . A step at a time.
Yeah. time.
Remus had a somewhat crafted plan on how this would all go; he’d go back to Hogwarts, see the marauders at the feast, try and focus on anything else other than their expressions of disgust with him and it’ll be that. Easy enough.
All is well.
He just prayed Snape would see it, say a few remarks, but otherwise forget about it all soon enough. He’d get a kick out of this. That prick would probably see this as a golden opportunity to bother Remus.
Remus could only hope it won’t go on for too long.
Knowing Snape, he slightly doubted his hope.
As Remus went back to his reading, brushing away his thoughts and continuing the action that brought him back to a peaceful state, he quickly began hearing raised voices just outside his compartment. voices in something resembling an argument.
After a few moments of dedicatedly trying (and failing miserably) to listen in, the students outside abruptly fell quiet.
A few moments later, when Remus decided it’s best to get back to his reading, the compartment’s door flew open, revealing no other than Sirius black.
Perhaps Remus should’ve seen this coming. He doesn’t know what happened, or what Lily told the marauders, but what he does know is that Sirius can’t bear to be out of a loop. Whatever’s happening, he wants to be involved, getting his nose in places that he doesn’t belong.
With Sirius Black, there’s no secrets. There simply couldn’t, even if you tried your hardest. When he decides he wants to know something, he will know it. He doesn’t get intrigued like every normal being and moves on, he digs deeper and deeper until he finds out. Sirius stops at absolutely nothing to uncover the truth.
Remus is a private person. He treasures his secrets. He needs them. They provide him control, therefore he cannot give them up just because Sirius is curious.
From the beginning of their friendship, Remus was quiet and reversed, keeping to himself mostly. That was, before he opened up to the marauders, anyway.
Sirius, being the persistence person he was, kept trying to discover more and more about Remus. It bothered him immensely during their first year, dealing with his nature as a werewolf, away from his parents.
Remus learnt to live with Sirius’ determination. He gave in to some of his questions, but to others he didn’t. It took Sirius a while to accept this.
And now, he was staring at Remus with those gray eyes that always managed to make something Remus didn’t quite figure out yet steer in his belly, were now triple their usual size, his mouth open agape as he took in Remus’ scars.
Gray, the shade of a brilliant storm, met sun kissed hazel ones, two worlds colliding as one.
Remus’ breath caught in his throat.
Remus wanted to scream at him. He wanted to push him out and cast the door locked with the most efficient charm he knew. He wanted to escape. He wanted to go home.
He did absolutely none of those, instead, he remained seated with the opened book in his lap, looking up at Sirius with a pained expression.
If he could, he would absolutely block all the emotions he felt at that moment, but he couldn’t. So he focused on the one he felt the most other than.. better not to focus on; rage. Hot and boiling. He had told them to leave him alone.
Remus wasn’t a particularly angry person. He didn’t like conflicts. He just wanted to be with his friends and to actually be respected.
Sirius was obviously too good for any of Remus’ requests.
Sirius’ lips curled, and Remus couldn’t tell what caused that but all he could think of was disgust.
Sirius was disgusted with Remus, and he’d stop being friends with him, resulting in his losing of James and Peter too, and he’d be left utterly alone.
Remus wasn’t sure if he wanted that or not. How could Sirius just burst in like that, and not even say anything?
He bit down on his trembling bottom lip, trying to prevent any unnecessary show of emotion. He didn’t want to seem more pathetic, this was already as absurd as it is— Remus, a huge fucking scar on his face.
Remus didn’t even want to try and guess what Sirius thought of it. He’d probably spit at Remus if he could just to show what he thinks of his clinginess.
Remus spent every full moon alone until the marauders so kindly went through the rough process of becoming animagus just for him, and the first time they couldn’t be with him he so absurdly broke.
“I— Moony—“ Sirius stuttered out, seemingly speechless with Remus’ new looks, and just at that moment Remus realised a very important thing. He never let anyone except for his parents and the Hogwarts matron, madam Pomfrey, see his scars.
It has always made him uncomfortable and an extreme fear of being revulsed with.
No matter how many times Sirius has tried to prompt him for just a small look, he firmly refused.
And now.. now he’s utterly exposed to the judgement of Sirius.
The moment curried on for a few seconds longer before Lily burst in, a knight in shining armour for Remus.
“I told you not to come in here! A whole commotion started because of your shouts!” She scolded, her pale cheeks reddened with frustration.
Sirius’ eyes tore away from Remus’, breaking their faint moment. Remus didn’t think this was a good sign, but he didn’t quite trust himself in assuming anything.
He assumed he’d be fine on the full moon. He wasn’t.
If he couldn't be right about something he's had for as long as he can remember himself, how would he be right about anything else?
Lily quickly turned her gaze to Remus’, her green eyes full of remorse. Her brows were furrowed in worry, and her expression apologetic.
Sirius helplessly looked towards her, still at a loss for words. Well, that's new.
Lily was staring at him blankly, and Remus just knew she suppressed an ‘I told you so,’
Lily only shook her head before gripping onto his wrist and ushering him out. Only when the door slammed shut, Remus released a long breath he didn't notice he'd been holding.
A few minutes after Remus returned to his reading, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts, Lily returned.
As she promised, they didn’t speak the whole ride. They both focused on their respective books, every once in a while having eye contact.
Lily would smile at him encouragingly. Remus shrugged each time.
As they arrived at Hogwarts, and were now residing in the beautifully decorated Great hall. The boats that took that from hogsmeade station glided across the Great lake, the atmosphere quite peaceful. he took a boat with Lily (he told her to go be with mary and marlene but she insisted on sticking with him) and now they were both seated at the gryffindor table. When Marlene and Mary approached, except for one moment when Mary's eyes widened, there was no reaction. He was grateful for that.
It was truly one hell of a feast— all colourful foods going from pies to meat to everything.
The sorting ceremony had the same effect on Remus it did during his first year; he could practically feel the first years’ energy radiating with buzzing excitement.
Too bad Remus’ company was painfully awkward, to say the least
The students around were obviously noticing remus’ new appearance. There was a bark of laughter from the Slytherins table when Remus settled down at the Gryffindor one, and Remus was convinced it was a member of Snape’s gang.
He could feel other student’s stares on him, as much as he felt their judgement. His heightened hearing allowed him to catch a few phrases; ‘have there been any murder attempts lately? It sure as hell looks like it,’ , ‘what has happened to him? He’s so ugly now!’
Across from him sat the Marauders. It was quite clear James was trying to converse with Remus, constantly asking him about absolutely any subject that came to his mind– ranging from the summer homework to music.
Peter, on the other hand, seemed more concerned with remus’ new scar, squirming each time Remus did as much as glance his way.
Sirius was the worst. He kept staring at Remus, not even budging when Remus returned his gaze head-on.
He appeared to be oddly fascinated by Remus; his eyes following the rugged gashes running across his face.
Remus wasn't quite sure if it was from disgust or something else; but the self conscious part of him wanted to escape.
Remus tried focusing on anything that wasn't James’ awkward chatter, Peter’s scared glances and Sirius’ intense stare, but found little to nothing to occupy his running mind.
He glanced towards the big double-door. He was a fair distance away, but he could still try to make a run for it.
Every thought of attempting an escape was put on pause as Dumbledore rose from his seat at the staff’s table.
With only one raise of his hand, everyone had fallen silent.
“Good evening, dear students. I trust you all found the meal to your liking? I must say, our house elves have truly outdone themselves,” He began speaking, a small smile spreading upon his lips.
“It is my endless pleasure to begin another year of magical education with you all.” He said, stroking his long beard.
And as he went on, Remus for some reason could not remain focused.
His mind was raising, thinking a mile an hour, and he was sweating buckets.
He really didn’t want to have that conversation with the marauders.
Just thinking about their opinions of his new looks had him trembling; earning him a meaningful yet simple look for Lily.
Remus didn’t glance back at her. He didn’t care he may come off as rude; all he wanted was to escape.
His scars were usually a faint ache, but now it felt like being set on fire.
The moment Dumbledore sat back down, Remus stormed out.
The way to Gryffindor tower would be long, too long, and he needed to be alone.
Breathing became a bit harder, and Remus cursed at himself internally.
Why does he constantly have these things?!
Did that scar really break him? Because Remus is okay. He’s healthy, he’s alive!
He’s quite literally the description of flourishing, if you asked him.
A hand grabbed his wrist and spun him around.
Familiar grey eyes meeting his own. A strange feeling twisting in his gut.
“Moony, what’s wrong?” Came a whisper, but the grip on Remus’ wrist came in contrast to his gentle tone.
Remus pulled his wrist away, too violently for his liking. Sirius was visibly shocked from Remus’ departure, eyes widening a tad bit. A stranger wouldn’t notice. Remus did. Remus always does, for some reason.
He began getting impatient. He wanted to be in his dorm, alone.
He wanted to scrap at his skin. To dig his nails firmly into his flesh and have full control on his actions and on what he does.
Right now, Remus doesn’t have control. But he will, he will, he will.
Remus saw this attempt to talk from Sirius as what it was. A confrontation.
Remus told him they’ll talk when they get to Hogwarts. He didn’t specify when, though, but he thought it’d be in the dorm with everyone.
Remus being approached was all on him.
Once again, Remus lost all his control.
Once again, Remus messed up.
Bile raised in his throat.
He rushed to walk away, not sparing Sirius a look. Sirius didn’t follow him this time.