Chapter 14
they were leaking out.
it had started as it usually did, with the memories crawling out of the deepest crevices of her mind and slithering into her dreams, poisoning her unconsciousness and tainting her sleep, filling her slumbering mind with fleeting glimpses of dark rooms, iron rusted bars and thick clawing flowers scented oils that danced on the dirt-stained water’s surface. the dreams had come in flashes, none coherent enough that she could fully remember them in the morning, just the feeling that they left behind, the cold dripping in her gut as she awoke, prickled skin covered in perspiration, breaths short.
what usually didn’t happen, was that the memories hadn’t stopped leaking out once she awoke. instead of leaving half-forgotten stains on her dreams, they kept dripping into her consciousness as the morning dragged on, slowly clouding her thoughts, gnarled oil blackened hands wrapping around them and pulling, smearing her thoughts with their tainted oil until all her thoughts where corrupted by some degree by those stained memories.
it felt like as if being submerged in a bone chilling lake, and every action she did, from dragging herself out of her sweat damp sheets, forcing herself under the gently spray of the shower and stiffly pulling her uniform on was one her body was accomplishing automatically from somewhere beyond the water’s surface, while her memory stained mind was submerged at the bottom of that water, peering up through its surface. she could still watch, although in a detached manner her hands twisting the shower knob on, then lathering her scalp in shampoo and rinsing it off again, her fingers tugging on her uniform. but the actions felt as if one of another, as if a strangers fingers were completing them while her own body was numb, unable to feel the touch of fabric on her skin or damp hair on her nape. she had had days like this before, sometimes worse, sometimes better, when the memories would invade, always helpless to stop their slow trickle, then eventual downpour.
sometimes, when they just leaked in from those blackened cracks, they had been shoved away into she was able to carry on her day as relatively normal, just slightly less present in her surroundings and those around her. on the worst days, when the memories came pouring in, flooding the crevices of her mind and flashing behind her irises she would be rendered completely bedridden and immobile, helpless to rewatch those memories that floated around her skull until they finally receded, be it hours or days later. today was not one of those days. today they were only leaking in, saturating the walls of her brain and pooling at the bottom, but not overwhelming her, not drowning her from within. she would have enough control over then to function semi normally today, to carry out basic tasks and follow her regular routine, if that was not all.
marlene, of course, was the first to notice. she always was. growing up together since the age of eleven, the girl had seen countless of hazels bad days, days where the memories infiltrated her mind and clung on. the first year alone of hazel living with the mckinnons had been such a period, and although it went from a constant state to one with interruptions of normal days, to the normal days outweighing the bad days, to the bad days becoming rarer to rarer to practically non-existent, they still occasionally occurred. less as she aged, but always popping up now and then, as if unable to let hazel fully forget what had caused them. as if she needed a reminder.
today was one of those days.
she was silent as she bathed and changed in the dorm. leaving the bathroom as the other girls awoke and began their preparations of getting ready, hairbrushes and stray uniform pieces in their hands she wandered over to her bed. sitting upon its thick sheets as she bent over, tugging on her shoes. her head felt empty. quiet.
‘do you think long gold ones, or the silver studs?’
mary’s question drew her eyes up and she found the girl standing before her, a set of earrings in each hand. behind her, lily was just exiting the bathroom, thick auburn locks wrapped in a towel as marlene was standing before the small mirror on her desk, smudging on her eyeliner with little effort with one thumb while she was rooting in her bag with the other hand.
‘silver ones are nice.’ why did her voice feel so far away?
‘yeah, i think your right with that one.’ mary scrunched her face slightly as she scrutinised both pairs, tossing the gold ones back onto her bed as she went to putting the studs on.
‘marls, you coming along to watch the quidditch try outs later?’ mary questioned. ‘james said he’d be happy to let us watch the recruits and give him our opinions on the players.’
‘those are after lunch today right?’ marlene answered, finally finished with her liner and taking two steps from the mirror to roughly run her hands through her choppy hair and fluff it up as much as possible.
‘yep, a bit later at five. we’ll walk down together.’
‘okay. say zel, you got those herbology notes from last class? if im watching quidditch today i might need to borrow them for the night just so i can get that bloody essay done for tomorrow.’
‘yeah, i dont have them on me at the moment but i’ll pass them over in first lesson.’
‘cheers, zel.’ marlene threw her a smile over her shoulder, but her eyes lingered for a moment, then another, the smile slowly slipping of her mouth as she stared at hazel for a few long moments, brows draw together as if searching for something. hazel met her eyes, gold on blue and saw the question lurking in those eyes, a question hazel answered silently by letting marlene see what was in her gaze, allowing herself to be fully unguarded and vulnerable for a moment as she would only let herself be with marlene.
she knew the second marlene glimpsed that carefully concealed emptiness by the way her blue eyes flashed, smile vanishing. it took marlene less than a moment, less than a moment before her eyes softened, sympathy softening her features. it was never pity, not from marlene, but something akin to a grim understanding, a sympathy born from not understanding what caused that all-consuming emptiness that could at any time sneak up and swallowed her whole, but understanding its impact regardless. she gave her the smallest of nods, a thin humorous smile playing on her lips as hazel returned her nod, merely a dip of her head. an understanding.
‘are you both joining us in the library after dinner for an hour of two?’ lily’s question drew marlene’s attention away and to the girl who was now finishing braiding her thick auburn hair into a singular braid that fell over a shoulder. ‘me and zel are going there to finish off some astrology essays, if you both want to join?’
mary shrugged, snatching up her school jumper from where she had tossed it onto her bed and tugging it on, head popping through the neck hole before she brought it over her chest, slipping both arms through the sleeves and adjusting its sit on her torso. ‘sounds good to me.’ she answered, while marlene hesitated for a moment, shooting a singular glance towards hazel before fixing her attention back to lily who was still awaiting an answer. ‘yeah, im down.’
‘perfect.’ lily smiled, snatching up her bag as hazel did the same, grabbing her own from where it was slumped on the floor by the foot of her dresser and slinging it over one shoulder.
‘you lot ready?’ hazel asked as mary gave an absentminded nod and hum of agreement as she snatched up the last of her quills and books, stuffing them into her own bag, lily answering in a quick ‘yep, lets go,’ as she made towards the dorm door and made to swing it open.
mary and hazel followed, while marlene lingered by the side of her own bed under the pretence of grabbing something or another from it as her eyes subtly tracked hazel from where she was making her way from her own side of the room and towards the now open dorm door, passing by marlene’s bed as she went. she paused besides her friend, and gave her a small smile. marlene held her gaze for a moment, then another before giving her a small smile in return and reaching out to interweave their fingers.
hazel looked down to where their hands where now joined, and as she looked back up at the girl and her honest, understanding gaze she felt her smile become just that bit more real. marlene noticed the subtle shift, and her own tender smile strengthened minutely as she gave hazels hand a squeeze, before turning as they both began to follow mary and lily down the stairs, hands still clasped between them. the numbness was still there, still coating her insides like wet, heavy cement, and they both knew that. knew that simply understanding and offering small acts of solidarity and kindness would not erase it.
but it helped, helped enough so that when the four girls reached the great hall and the breakfast spread over the four large tables, when they slid into their usual spaces besides the boys that hazel was able to smile a good morning at them all, was able to laugh when peter told a particularly funny joke he had made to sirius the day before in potions, and to chat along with lily and sirius as they debated the merits over if a basalisk would win against a green tailed dragon. and if nobody was able to notice that her laughter was hollow, that her smile stretched with automatic movements and a fake warmth behind it but marlene and her knowing gaze, then she was okay with that.
breakfast passed in a span of seconds. one blink, and she was buttering up toast she could not feel beneath fingers that did not belong to her. another blink, and she was smiling at something james was saying, less of a smile then it was a pull of her lips, but was convincing nonetheless. another blink, and she was chewing food that tasted like ash on her tongue, that clogged sticky and thick down her throat as she swallowed it. blink, and she was following the rush of bodies out of the dining hall. she was talking to peter, but wasn’t sure what about. blink, and a tall body was falling into step beside her own, tanned skin and golden curls in her periphery. blink again. remus.
his brow furrowed just so slightly, a little wrinkle on his forehead that even through her empty state she felt the slightest spark of something else other them nothingness. a tiny urge to reach out with fingertips she could not feel and smooth the wrinkles out.
‘are you—' his eyes scanned her features, head tilted to the side ever so slightly. ‘are you alright? you seemed a bit off at breakfast just now.’
she blinked. blinked again. what?
she knew that she hid it well. for all that the numbness would overwhelm her internally, externally she was able to keep any of it from seeping through. even after living with the mckinnons for the past eight years her family could not tell when the emptiness was upon her, not if she didn’t want them too. marlene and margret came perhaps the closest, and even then, it was usually only when hazel allowed them a glimpse of it. had he been able to sense something was wrong? how could he tell, how did he-
‘hazel?’ concern stained his words, and she realised she hadn’t answered him for a long moment. she nodded automatically, the lie springing to her lips as a reflex. ‘im fine.’
the words sounded fake, but only to her ears. yet she wondered, wandering side by side down the narrow hallway, remus’s steps shortened so that she could keep pace with her and warm brown eyes meeting hers, if perhaps they sounded fake to his, too.
his eyes stayed on her own, and she wondered briefly if he could see the emptiness in them.
‘alright.’ he smiled softly, almost shyly. ‘have a good first class.’
she did not have the energy to bid him the same, yet she felt her eyes linger on that soft smile. felt that numbness chip away, just slightly. enough that she was able to smile back at remus and a small part of her truly meant it.
she reached her first class, and she sat through the whole thing without a single word registering. sat through the second one in the same manner. and the third. had lunch, where she smiled and laughed and talked as if on autopilot, her body reacting automatically to the tone of voices those around her were using rather than their words. finished lunch. sat through her fourth class. her fifth and sixth. avoided marlene’s gaze. started avoiding remus’s too.
he did not ask her again if she was okay, and she was still to hollow to really feel anything towards it. yet as the numbness slowly leached out of her bones as the hours went on, she felt herself slowly coming back to herself, her consciousness slowly tethering itself back to the weight of her body. felt that cold lake slowly receding until it was her looking out of her eyes again, until it was her chest rising with each inhale and exhale, until it was her hands grasped around the blanket instead of those of a stranger as she sat in the gryffindor common room alongside three others. felt her thoughts become her own again. began to notice that there was a slight cramp in her previously numb right leg from where she was curled on the couch. she shifted her leg. realised too, that she was so very tired.
nestled between mary and remus on the red sagging couch before the crackling fire, while sirius sat opposite them on another, all three of them occupied with schoolwork or reading, she allowed her muscles to loosen. let the crackle of the embers wash over her, for her lids to grow heavy as she let them slowly close and sleep wash over her.
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she was back in the bathing chamber. she knew it before she even had to crack her eyelids open. it was the smell that gave it away- the lingering scent of overpowering body oils, rose body lotions and perfumes clogging the air. the scent of roses. and of blood.
the water she was submerged in up to her chest was cold- it usually was. it chilled her bones, goosebumps rising on her exposed skin, her body curled up and shivering in the cramped tub, bare back pressed against the cool tub lid, chipped and worn with exposure.
she cracked her eyes open.
she already knew what she would see before the sight greeted her. the pale blue tub she was submerged in, too small to stretch out in properly and circular in shape, filled with swirling, unclean water, stained with the dirt and blood that had been previously coated her skin. there was a small window above her, pale watery sunlight trickling through its iron bars, illuminating the water she currently was submerged in and the rest of the small, damp room.
everything in this place has bars.
the room itself was only large enough for the tub and two others to comfortably fit within, three at most, ceiling high enough that it gave the illusion that there was more space than there was and the same dark grey rough texture as the walls. apart from the small window, the only other exit was the door, a heavy, rusted over steel door, damp moisture clinging to it. her eyes followed the patterns of scented oils that danced on the surface of the water, swirling lazily atop it, flecked with pieces of dirt or dried bloody scabs. those where her fault. her gaze drifted to her own frame, her knees drawn up against her chest in a meagre attempt to shield her bare frame from the cold, and from any unwanted states.
she knew it wouldn’t prevent either.
the lack of food was obvious without any overly coloured clothes to hide behind. in the water, with nothing to shield her frame, she could see the bones that jutted out from underneath her skin. the thin, fine hairs that covered almost every exposed surface of her. the parts of her body that she could see was decorated in a patchwork of bruises, differing in shape and colour, ranging from sickly yellow, to deep blue to a pale mottled red. she used to read their patterns, when she was cold or afraid or lonely, curled up on an unforgiving stone floor. or when she needed a distraction. they were a map of pain she has long since forgotten, and she could spend hours slowly locating each one of them on her bony frame, noting which colours appeared most frequently on her body and where, making it into a game to spot the largest one, the smallest one, the most colourful one, the one that looked most like a shape if she squinted just right. she would trace their outlines gently with her fingers, if not that then her eyes.
she heard it then. the footsteps. nearing the door, coming closer to her each breath she took. she started shaking. she couldn’t help it. the lock on the door clicked, handle pulled down a moment later, and a figure stepping into the room.
it was the madam this time.
the woman, pale haired and even and paler skinned made her way towards her, shutting the door forcefully behind her. her long hair had been pulled back into an intricate bun today, hair tugged so far back from her scalp into the up do that hazel almost winced. the woman’s face, as always decorated in overly heavy makeup to mask her declining youthfulness was pinched as she took in hazel’s shivering form, eyes hard and unfeeling.
she turned, not sparing her a second glance, ridiculously large diamond earrings swaying with the harsh movement as she snatched up the nearest bottle of rose scented oil, squirting a generous amount onto her hands and rubbing them together, before bringing them to hazel and smearing the substance onto her exposed skin, rubbing it in with vigorous, efficient movements. once satisfied she made a beckoning gesture with one hand, the other reaching for a similar scented body lotion as hazel obliged, rising from the tub as quickly as her weakened limbs would allow her. she knew better then to keep the madam waiting.
silently, she stepped out of the water, bare soles slapping slightly as she stood on the cold stone ground. she grabbed the rug beside the tub, frayed at the edges and thread material completely worn through at some spots and began to efficiently dry herself off, careful to not remove any of the oil clinging to her skin in the process. she has no reason to anger the woman in front of her by doing so, today would be hard enough as it was. finished, she placed the towel over the edge of the tub as the madam started rubbing the lotion onto her body. her hand movements where tough, harsh, and she tried her best not to wince as she brought her fingers over some particularly sensitive bruises, willing her face to remain impassive. blank.
without meaning to, she had begun to savoy these moments- not because she enjoyed anything about having her skin aggressively scrubbed and slathered, but because she knew it was far better than what was about to happen after. she has started clinging to these moments, finding herself feverishly wishing that she could drag them out for longer. praying that her skin would be exceptionally rough and chapped so that she would require more oil today to smooth it. that whoever was treating her would realise they ran out of lotion, or of perfume and have to go get some more. her brain clung to any scenario that would drag these sessions out for longer, desperately hoping that if she wished hard enough, she could will them into existence. willing anything that would prevent what was to happen next.
she never could.
finished, the older woman pulled back, snatching a bottle of accompanying rose perfume from behind her and using quick, sharp hand motions, covered hazels body with the cloying scent. the mist settled against her skin, wrapping around her, surrounding her, suffocating her.
she fought the urge to grab the bottle from the hateful woman’s hands. to shove it down her throat. she knew that it would only make things for her a lot worse, but it was still harder to resist then it should have been. the madam stepped back, eyes running over her starved frame, snagging on the bruises and cuts marring it, frown deepening as she took in each one. they usually removed the markings from her body every month or so, using some sort of spell to vanish the bruises and scars, until her skin was unmarked. at least, they got rid of most of them. clearly, she was in need of their removal any day now.
no one wanted damaged goods, after all.
the woman just shook her head however, disapproval staining her stiff features as she made to turn and exit the room. despite herself, hazel felt herself begin to shake. she hated that she couldn’t control the tremors that began to wrack through her, her body betraying the terror she tried otherwise so hard to mask.
because she knew what was coming. knew what for what purpose she was dragged to the wash chamber to every time. what followed.
the shaking got worse.
she awoke gasping. shooting upright, it took her several heartbeats to take in her surroundings. not the wash chamber, or the cold stone cell. no, this room had a warm crackling fireplace, faded red tapestries covering the worn stone walls, torches lining the walls and couches spotting the area. couches like the one she was currently sitting on.
she was in the gryffindor common room. she felt her breaths even out, even as body continues to shake.
‘hazel?’
her name was a question on mary’s lips as she focused on the concerned girl, finding three other sets of eyes on her. mary, eyes shining with concern sitting on the couch to her right, remus to her left and sirius on an armchair opposite them, eyes all brimming with the same concern that shone in mary’s. she has fallen asleep, her mind offered, as she tried to collect her thoughts. That was what had happened. late on the evening, only the four of them remained in the common room to study, hazel seemingly drifting off in the process. and waking up gasping, drawing her friend’s attention to her.
‘sorry.’ she shot mary an apologetic smile even as she filed the contents of what had plagued her dreams away, tucking it far out of reach in her mind, shutting any thought of it down. ‘nightmare.’
the girls gaze softened and she raised her arm nearest her, hazel scooting closer to her so she was tucked under the girls arm, mary squeezing her gently as hazel settled against her, tucked into her warmth.
‘christ, thought you were dying for a second there when you just woke up with all your gasping. sounded proper like a fish out of water.’
hazel snorted a laugh, attempting to elbow the teasing girl whilst tucked against her, mary pressing a quick kiss to her temple as she returned her attention to her homework, using hazels head to balance the book off. she didn’t mind, not as she brought her hand towards her to grab a blanket and realised that although her body had stilled her hands where still shaking uncontrollably. she clenched her fist in an attempt for no one to pick up on it, teeth grinding slightly.
beside her, remus shifted slightly. he kept his focus ahead of him, eyes fixed on sirius as they continued whatever conversation they had been discussing before she woke up, but she noticed his hand move. arm shifting subtly towards her as he stretched out his hand, palm upwards as he rested it close to her own clenched palm. she stared at it for a moment and then back at his face, where he gave no sign that he noticed her attention at all, still wholly engaged in his conversation with sirius.
still, she found herself looking back at his outstretched hand. found her bringing her own trembling one towards his own, hesitating resting hers on top of his.
he never took his attention of sirius once. not as even as her fingers met his, and he slowly wrapped his fingers around her own. not as he interlacing them both together. not as he gently squeezed her hand.
she stared at their clasped hands for a moment longer, then squeezed back.
her hands stopped shaking.