Chapter 15
a month into her schooling at hogwarts, and everything so far had been going surprisingly well. that was, apart from one little thing.
‘no, its like this-’ dorcas flicked her wrist in a delicate swirl, a clear ‘lumos’ leaving her lips as her hand reached the peak of her wand movement, flicking out straight as a delicate glowing white orb of light appeared at the tip of her wand.
hazel bit her lip, brows furrowed as she stared at dorcas’s motions a moment longer, committing the exact wand movements she had used, the exact moment she had spoken the spell to memory before plucking up her own wand. dorcas looked on, dark eyes patient and grounding as she observed hazel ready herself. hazel took a deep breath, preparing herself. this time, it would work. raising her hand, she flicked her wrist in an exact copy of dorcas’s previous motion, announcing a clear ‘lumos’ just as her hand reached the peak of the wand’s movement, then levelling her wand out flat.
nothing happened.
she deflated, shoulders slumping as she stared at the end of her wand that was very notably not glowing in the slightest. beside her dorcas shifted, leaning forwards of her elbows on the circular library oak table they were situated, open textbooks and rolls of parchment spread between them. she leaned towards hazel, absentmindedly knocking a stray quill and scribbled on notes away which she paid no mind to, instead peering at hazels wand with narrow eyes, brow wrinkled as she took to what looked to be intently examining it. she chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip, brow furrowing further as she stared at it in confusion. ‘you’re doing the movements right, and the pronunciation.’ she pondered out loud, tilting her head to examine the wand further. ‘i don’t get why it’s not working.’
‘i know im getting the movements right.’ hazel retorted, attempting to keep an edge of frustration and desperation that had been curling in her gut the past week from staining her words. based on the way dorcas levelled sympathetic eyes on her she assumed her attempt wasn’t very successful. still she ploughed on, refusing to meet her friend’s eyes, the sympathy that lingered there. she didn’t want sympathy- she wanted to be able to produce a basic spell that she had spent the past month tirelessly working on. ‘i’ve got the wording down. ‘i’ve got the hand movements down. i’ve got the pronunciation down. and it’s still not working.’
‘hey, these things take time.’ dorcas reassured, forcing hazel to reluctantly meet her eyes and smiling reassuringly when she did so. ‘you can’t expect to be perfect at producing spells when you’ve only been here for a month. this takes time, yeah?’
‘i can if i’ve been practising that spell more than four times a week for the past month.’ hazel argued, tightening her grip around her wand instinctively. ‘i spend hours each week just to get this one single spell down. i mean, bloody first years can cast lumos after a few months, and i’ve had more tutoring than they have already. i just don’t get why it’s not working.’
‘you need to give yourself time.’ dorcas responded. ‘most of those first years have also grown up with magic and have been showing their own powers as young as four years old. they’ve had years to grow up with it- cut yourself some slack, zel.’
‘not the muggle born ones. they started at the castle just like i did, without any experience with magic. and they’ve still got more control over their own power then i do.’
‘your doing the best you can.’ dorcas argued, and when hazel opened her mouth to protest she held up a firm hand, halting her before the words had even left her lips. ‘no, you are doing the best you can hazel. you are practising every week, fuck, almost every day to get this spell down-’
‘which makes it so much worse that i can’t even get it-’
‘no, you listen here.’ dorcas levelled a severe look that had hazels remaining protests wilting on her tongue. she swallowed. dorcas remained glaring at her for a moment longer before satisfied, then continuing. ‘you thought you were a squib only a few months ago. there is bound to be an adjustment period from living eighteen years without magic, to suddenly being thrust into it. you will get it, but you have to give yourself time. now, i want to hear you say it.’
hazel raised a brow, confused. ‘say..?’
‘say that you will get it, if you give yourself time.’
she opened her mouth to argue, but one look at dorcas’s determined glare she still had levelled at her had her conceding. dorcas arched a singular brow.
‘fine- fine!’ hazel huffed, crossing her arms petulantly, before mumbling ‘i’ll get it eventually. i just have to give myself time.’
dorcas nodded her head, pleased before stating, ‘you will be able to cast the spell.’
‘i will be able to cast it.’
‘you will.’ dorcas confirmed firmly, such conviction behind her words it sounded like she was stating a fact, rather than hazel’s feverish hope. the surety calmed her, dulled a part of that swirling anxiety that nestled beneath her skin into something softer. dorcas believed in her.
dorcas noted the shift in hazel, eyes softening as a small reassuring smile played at the corners of her lips. ‘you don’t have to hold yourself to their time limit, zel, just to your own one.’
she nodded, smiling back at her friend before her smile shifted into more of a grin. ‘you can be right scary cas, you know that?’
dorcas just shrugged, looking far too pleased with herself. ‘i know.’
hazel laughed, feeling the last of that anxiety evaporate. ‘christ, im not too sure if i want to take magic lessons from you anymore. at this point, even evan might be a better bet.’
dorcas snorted, before movement behind hazel caught her eye. ‘speaking of…’
hazel shifted in her chair, turning so she could observe three figures moving towards their table. out of the three, barty seemed to be the happiest to actually be approaching them, lopsided grin on his lips as he gave both girls a lazy wave, tugging the strap of his bag higher up on his shoulder as it threatened to slip of as he made his way to them. behind him by a few paces was evan, who to no surprise of hers looked as if he would rather be anywhere else then about to join her at a study table. she bit back the urge to tell him the feeling was mutual. it was the boy walking side by side with evan that her attention snagged on. he was shorter then both other boys by a few inches, with pale skin, a perfectly neat uniform and familiar dark hair that curled by the nape of his neck, and angular, almost pretty features. familiar features. the boy’s eyes landed on her, lingering just long enough to catalogue her appearance before sliding away, already seemingly bored.
‘cas, zel.’ barty greeted them with a raised chin jerk and grin as he reached their table, slinging his bag onto the library floor in one careless movement and slumping down into one of the empty chairs.
‘alright barty.’ hazel greeted, smiling back at him as dorcas gave her own ‘hey you lot’ to barty and the other two who had just reached their table. the unfamiliar- familiar boy’s perfectly stoic expression cracked just enough that a small smile graced his lips as he smiled down at dorcas, setting his bag down with far more grace then barty had as he slid into the seat next to her. that left the only empty seat on hazels left, which evan took with great reluctance. the boy raised a dark brow at dorcas, amusement dancing in his dark green eyes. ‘hi cas. what, a month in and you’re already terrorising the new girl with your atrocious study schedule?’
‘that’s not what im- oh right!’ dorcas’s eyes flew to hazels, gesturing between her and the boy. ‘hazel, this is regulus. reg, meet hazel.’
‘hello. its nice to meet you.’ regulus- she knew he had looked familiar, and now knowing his name the resemblance to sirius was unmistakable- greeted her politely, looking at her. she smiled back, answering with her own ‘hi.’ introductions over, he turned back to dorcas, stating ‘so you’re not here to finish your potions essay? salazar, your study schedule gets worse and worse each year.’
‘oh sod off.’ she protested, giving him a feeble bat with the back of her palm that he easily brushed away with a smirk. it was evan who cut in next with his own faint smirk at regulus's direction. ‘why would she even have write her own potions homework when we’ve got you to do it for us?’
regulus responded with a middle finger towards evan that had hazel, barty and dorcas snorting. barty then caught hazel’s eye, asking ‘if you haven’t been dragged her against your will by cas and her abnormal study habits, what the fuck are you both doing here? it’s a saturday?’
‘magic practise.’ she responded glumly, glancing down at her wand that now lay abandoned in the middle of the table. he followed her gaze, noting her discouraged response as he probed ‘still haven’t gotten it down?’
‘nope.’
‘it takes time.’ he offered with far more gentleness she would have assumed him capable of. she smiled gratefully back while dorcas had the opposite reaction, straightening in her chair and exclaiming ‘that’s what i keep telling her!’ as she levelled a triumphant gaze at hazel. hazel just rolled her eyes, smiling fondly. ‘alright, alright, i’ll give it time.’
‘anyways, it’s not like you have to learn on your own.’ dorcas reassured. ‘you’ve all got us to help you practise.’ she turned to regulus, who was watching with mild curiosity.
‘we’re all going to help her with wand practise in the evenings’ dorcas explained, barty nodding along in agreement while evan rolled his eyes in a clear refusal. dorcas turned large, hopeful eyes on regulus. ‘reg?’
‘cant.’ he responded, ‘ive got prefect patrolling in the evenings starting thursday.’
‘salazar, i completely forgot you were stuck with prefect duty this year.’ barty mused. ‘any idea who you’ll be stuck with?’
regulus shook his head. ‘no, they haven’t posted the schedules yet. as long as it’s not a gryffindor though it should be tolerable.’
hazel raised a brow, and he seemed to suddenly realise who was sitting with them at the table. dorcas attempted to cover her snort with a cough, while hazel stared him down with amusement. regulus stared right back, as barty cut in ‘c’mon reg, they’re not all bad. one of them’s even a solid mate.’
‘thank you barty.’ hazel responded, rolling her eyes at regulus who bit back a smug smile. barty only grinned back at her. ‘i was talking about marls, of course.’
‘wanker.’ she retorted, unable to keep her own grin of her lips as she snatched up a stray quill and chucked it at him as he laughed, leaning out of its way.
‘speaking of marls,’ barty continued, scanning the library shelves as if she was hiding behind one of them and preparing to spring out at any moment. ‘where is she?’
‘supervising the quidditch try outs.’ hazel explained. ‘speaking off, it’s probably time i head out and join. cas, you still coming?’
dorcas considered for a moment, before shaking her head. ‘actually, now since the boys mentioned it, i should actually start on some of those assignment. i can still walk you down though?’
‘no, your grand.’ hazel dismissed, pushing her chair back from the table and rising, gathering her wand as she rose and tucking it into her pocket. ‘barty?’ she turned to the boy who raised a questioning brow. ‘you coming along?’
he scrunched his nose, considering. ‘i don’t know zel, it looks pretty bloody cold out there. and watching a bunch of mini gryffindor whiz around on brooms for an hour isn’t really my definition of a good time.’
‘maybe not, but marls is vice captain, so you get to watch her shouting at a bunch of them.’
at that he looked positively delighted, practically snatching up his book bag from where it was slumped by his feet. ‘well, why didn’t you say that sooner? let’s go.’
hazel huffed in amusement, saying her farewells as barty got ready to leave. both dorcas and regulus returned her goodbye, and she took the moment to assess him again. he wasn’t hostile about her presence like evan was, just seemingly indifferent, yet so far polite. she supposed it was an improvement from the blond on her left who was pointedly ignoring her. her eyes skimmed over evan briefly. while he had relaxed in her presence over the past few minutes, he noticed her sudden attention and promptly went back to scowling. she resisted the urge to roll her eyes. prick.
‘right, were off.’ barty announced to the group. ‘i’ll see you lot back at the dorms in a few.’
they said their own goodbyes and then both her and barty where striding out towards the library exit, passing crammed bookcases and tables dotted with studying students. it was towards the entrance of the library that hazel spotted a familiar figure wandering back from one of the large bookcases, sandy curls catching her attention. remus has his attention on the book in front of him, and didn’t notice their presence until they came closer, hazel waiting until they were close enough that she wouldn’t have to shout particularly loudly to catch his attention and madame pince’s wrath.
‘remus!’ she called out and his head snapped up, eyes scanning until they landed on her own. he smiled, and she felt that same strange fluttering in her stomach that she had felt in hogsmead all those weeks ago. his eyes jumped to barty who she had almost completely forgotten about for a moment, still walking by her side and she saw remus’s brows furrow for a moment before looking back at her. he nodded towards the other boy’s direction with a simple ‘aright, crouch?’ which barty responded with his own ‘alright, lupin?’
remus’s gaze flicked between them again as he asked ‘are you both here to study or..?’
hazel shook her head. ‘nope, i was here with dorcas to practise my magic for a bit. this lot,’ she nudged barty with an elbow that had him smirking down at her and nudging her back, ‘just dropped by a few minutes back.’
remus’s eyes narrowed at the contact for the briefest of moments and she was once again struck by how pretty a shade they were. a deep, chocolate brown, similar but darker to the freckles that dusted his nose and cheekbones. his attention snagged on the beginning of her sentence, and he tilted head, looking down at her. ‘practising your magic? i thought you went to those evening lessons with flinkwick for that.’
‘i do, but it’s not enough.’ she admitted, giving a little shrug. ‘i’m still struggling at producing anything, so dorcas offered to help me today, see if we could get anywhere with it.’
‘if you want help with magic, im happy to see if i can help with it.’
‘really?’ she looked up at him. ‘that would actually be great- only of you don’t mind.’
‘no, its no bother.’ he dismissed, a faint red dusting his cheeks as she smiled up at him. ‘we could- i mean, i have time today if you want to start?’
‘perfect.’ her smile strengthened, and so did the faint red on his cheeks. ‘i’m going down to the quidditch pitch to join marls in judging the quidditch try outs, but i have time after that, just after dinner?’
‘yeah, that works for me.’ he quickly agreed, before his brows furrowed. ‘wait… your joining marls in judging quidditch try outs?’
‘yep.’
‘but your not on the quidditch team?’
‘nope.’
at his raised brow she shrugged a shoulder, biting back a smile. ‘im just tagging along to watch marls shout abuse and join in with a bit of my own. honestly, i can’t wait.’
he laughed, shaking his head slightly. ‘fucking hell, i almost feel bad for those trying out now. don’t go too hard on them.’
she grinned. ‘no promises.’
________________________
quidditch try outs had gone just she had expected it to, full of marlene shouting more and more creative curses (both in encouragement and reprimand) at the team as the try outs dragged on, james demonstrating a new move he had practised that had him standing on his broom and two of the younger players attempting to replicate it and almost falling of their own. that is to say, it went excellently.
barty joined her for the first half, both of them joining marlene where she was sat at the box usually reserved for quidditch commentator, now used as personal box for her and james to assess the new potential players. she had spotted them both squeezing through the crowd of bundled up onlookers and waved them over, then promptly glared at anyone who looked too long at barty, a slytherin taking up space in the gryffindor box until they looked away. the three of them had sat there while the try outs unfurled below, james jumping from being in the box with them and discussing intently with marlene about each player, and zipping along the field. her and barty had thoroughly entertained themselves by both hearing marlene’s aggressive commentary and giving their own input, which was significantly less informed then marlene’s since both didn’t have much of a clue how the rules actually worked.
barty lasted another forty minutes before his cravings inevitably kicked in and he turned to her. ‘fuck this, im popping off to buy some more smokes. you need a refill? reds, right?’
‘yeah i do actually, cheers.’
he nodded in farewell before slipping back into the throng of bodies. she had stayed with marlene until try outs ended, the girl flush cheeked and grinning from ear to ear as her, james and hazel wandered up to the castle together, both marlene and james intently debating each player that had demonstrated their skills before them today. they continued throughout dinner, and hazel was glad to slip away and meet up with remus once evening rolled around, just if it would give her a break from hearing marlene’s passionate debating of which players they wanted to take on.
they had agreed on meeting in the upper divinations classroom, since it was bound to be abandoned in the late hour and offered them- well, offered her privacy while she practised. reaching the door, she tugged it open and slipped inside. remus was already there, leaning against the desk, long legs stretched before him as he fiddled with something with both hands, long scar flecked fingers deftly moving. he glanced up as she arrived, and it gave her time to notice what he had been occupying himself with, hands halting their movements and half rolled cig between them. the corner of her lips involuntarily tugged upwards, and she raised a brow.
‘planning on smoking that here?’
he matched her smile, faint smirk playing on his lips as he shook his head. ‘nah, it can wait.’ he raised it to his lips, quickly licking one side of the skin and she found her eyes flicking to his tongue as he drew it back, rolling it together and setting the completed cig on the desk beside him. he straightened as she moved further into the room, coming to stand beside him at the desk and tilt her head to look at him. she found his gaze already on her.
for a moment she just stood there, looking up at him. the soft orange glow from the setting sun was filling the room, setting his tanned skin glowing a warm tone, and highlighting the gold strands in his sandy curls. it looked soft, and she had the sudden ridiculous urge to reach up and touch it for herself. to find out.
she gave herself a little internal shake and instead tore her eyes away until she was looking at her clasped hands before her, gripping the wand between them. ‘it’s the lumos spell’ she explained, letting her left hand fall to her side so her wand was clutched soley in her right one. ‘i’ve been practising for a while, but nothing seems to work.’
his own eyes lingered on her face for a moment before he blinked and drew his gaze sharply to her wand. ‘can you try it now?’ he asked, and she flicked her eyes back up to his own. he shrugged. ‘i want to see how you cast it, before i see how to help you improve.’
she nodded her agreement, then carried out the motions, flicking her wrist and stating ‘lumos’ into the silent room. nothing happened. she repeated her actions, and still nothing.
gritting her teeth and sucking in a large breath, she let her eyes drift close. slowly releasing it, she let her mind empty. let her thoughts filter out, until her head was silent. she attempted to picture it then, the small orb of light she was attempting to summon. let that image grow in her mind’s eye until she moved, twisting her wrist and wand. ‘lumos.’
her wand remained empty.
her shoulders slumped as she let out a frustrated huff, ignoring the strange twinge of what almost felt similar to relief flutter through her. she pushed it down, pushed everything but the frustration she felt at being unable to summon down and let that emotion linger at the surface, ignoring the swirl of other emotions she could not- would not identify simmering underneath.
perhaps she did not hide them as well as she had thought. perhaps remus could just see through her easier than he should. regardless, he caught something in her gaze, and carefully, voice low, said ‘again.’
squaring her shoulders, she closed her eyes for another moment, picturing that soft white glow and snapped them back open, repeating the casting. this time however, something happened.
flicking her wand out straight a bright light appeared near the end of it, and she jerked back. it was not joy or relief that surged through her as she expected, but instead unexplainable panic, panic that had her not even noticing that the orb of light was hovering directly beside the tip of her wand and not actually on it and she jerked her arm back, staring wide eyed at the light as her heartbeat pounded in her ears, her head.
‘wha- what…’ her eyes flew to remus who had his own wand out, pointing at the tiny ball of light. with a slow flick, it disappeared, and he brough his steady gaze towards her startled wide eyes one. she still felt it, the panic as it coursed through her bloodstream, heartbeats attempting to drown out all sound around her even as they began to slow back down again, as the panic slowly receded. it was not her magic. it had not been her. but then-
‘did you just summon?’
he looked at her for a moment longer before nodding. his gaze was stripping, and she felt the urge to look away, as he seemed to peer through her, at parts of herself that nobody, not even herself were meant to look at.
he spoke after a long moment. ‘you’re never going to be able to summon if you’re scared of it.’
that one sentence summoned a current of her anger, a tendril that she focused on instead of the panic that still lingered. she raised her chin, deflecting- refusing, ‘im not scared of it.’
‘you where sacred when you thought you summoned the light.’
‘i wasn’t.’ she shot back, ‘i was just surprised.’ she wondered why it tasted like a lie. it wasn’t. was it?
‘well, you don’t seem like you particularly want to cast the spell.’
temper flared up, hot and sharp. ‘of course i want to cast the bloody spell, ive been practising for weeks to get it down.’
‘and do you? want to get it down?’
she grit her teeth. ‘obviously.’
‘then why are you holding back?’
‘im not-’ she trailed of as he looked at her, really looked at her. she wanted him to look away.
‘im not holding back.’ then again, ‘im not holding back.’ it sounded more as if she was trying to convince herself than him.
he looked at her for a moment longer. eventually, he nodded. ‘okay.’
‘okay?’
‘okay. you’re not holding back.’ she stared at him as he continued. ‘when you first found out you had magic, a few months ago, you didn’t have a wand, right?’
she nodded, tongue feeling heavy in her mouth as that memory flashed through her. it took her two attempts to speak. ‘right.’
‘then we’ll try something new.’
her eyes followed his hands as he tucked his wand back into his pocket and reached out, plucking her own wand from her hand. she let him, fingers unfurling as he took hold of the wood and she felt his fingers brush her own, before he was retreating his hand and placing it on the desk behind them.
‘close your eyes, and hold your hands out.’
she furrowed her brow in confusion, angling her head as she looked up at him. what?
‘just -trust me. try it, just- close your eyes, and hands out.’
she was no less confused but found that she did. she did trust him. enough so that she let her eye lids flicker close, and slowly stretched her palms before her. she could feel his solid presence beside her, feel the warmth that radiated off him and hear his inhale and exhales, puffs of air that skimming the top of her head.
‘don’t try to force it. relax, pretend im not even here. just let yourself feel your magic for a moment. don’t try to use it, just feel it.’
she breathed in through her nose, exhaling through her mouth. this was ridiculous. just trust me. the words echoed in her mind. she clung onto them as she forced the scepticism, the still lingering panic and the frustration away, emptying her mind once more. she focused on his presence beside her, strong and unwavering and let it ground her, ground her as she relaxed her muscles. relaxed her mind. relaxed that bone deep hold she had firmly in place every waking and slumbering moment, just enough that she felt a slight stir. there, deep inside, as it nestled between her ribcage, she felt something flutter. something warm. her fingertips began to tingle.
she slammed back against it, shoving that warm awakening presence back down, down, down until it was buried so deep she could no longer feel it, until it was nothing more them ashes and concrete. her eyes flew open and she drew in a deep breath, the air rattling as it flew out of her lungs and she took another beath in, then another, willing the sudden fear that flooded her system after feeling that to subside. she was sweating, she realised. sweating, and sucking in lungfuls of air until she felt her heartbeat slow back to only a slightly elevated pace.
‘hazel?’ his voice seemed far away. she forced herself to focus on it, to drag herself out of her mind and back to where she was standing. she latched her gaze onto his brown eyes and kept it there. he did not look away, not until she was once more breathing regularly, until the panic had dissipated from her bloodstream. words where too difficult, so she settled for shaking her head.
‘are you okay?’ he asked and she couldn’t answer with a convincing enough lie, not with the way he was looking at her. she settled for a different sort of answer. ‘it didn’t work.’
he opened his mouth, about to answer but paused at the last moment. instead, he shifted so he could pluck her wand back up from the desk, pressing it gently back into her outstretched palm. their fingers met, and she couldn’t help a small rush of sparks that surged up from where their skin brushed, up her arms and to her head. she curled her fingers around her wand, and his own scar flecked fingers lingered for a moment longer than they had too before he drew his hand back.
‘then we try again.’
she looked up at him. at his steady gaze. the honesty she beheld there. she felt herself nodding before she really realised what she was doing. ‘okay. we try again.’
she left him there, slipping out if the classroom door and slowly making her way down the tower steps and towards the common room. she could still feel small invisible fingerprints of warmth from where his fingers had brushed her own. absentmindedly, she traced one of them with her thumb. then we try again. she repeated his words in her mind, running them on loop as she reached the bottom of the stairs and began towards the gryffindor tower. it was walking that stretch between the two towers that she made up her mind. yes, she would try again.
she would try again tonight.
________________________
slipping back into the divinations classroom in the early hours of the morning was easy. no prefects patrolled this late at night, and with no filch or miss norris to be seen, the walk was rather straightforward. it was quiet as she wandered through the empty stone hallways, a silence stretching between the castles stones that never existed when the students where awake and bustling around. now, she silently wandered around, a ghost with only the moon to keep her company. she liked it. it was calm. peaceful.
she eventually reached the classroom, and had a brief surge of panic at wondering if the door was locked. shit. she could try break it down, but would that attract too much noise. thankfully there was no need for that, for as she tried the door handle the heavy oak door swung open with minimum protest. thanking merlin and any other possible deity out there she slipped into the classroom, shutting the door behind her.
the classroom was dark, and she allowed herself a few moments to adjust for the lack of light. once she could see fairly well, she moved slowly to the centre of the room, halting as she reached its middle. standing there, she beathed in deep, then exhaled. she didn’t bother taking out her wand. instead, she let her eyes slip closed, and calm settle into her mind. it took several long minutes, but she was in no rush. once her mind felt empty once more, she slowly stretched her hands out before her.
let yourself feel it. that was what he had told her. she flexed her fingers experimentally as she let herself do just that, mind drifting back to what else he had told her. don’t try and use it, just feel it. well, she could do that. unbidden, another thing drifted back into her memory. you’re never going to be able to summon if you’re scared of it. even now, she felt herself tensing. felt that calm she had so carefully been summoning slip just a bit. what a load of bollocks. she wasn’t scared of it. she wasn’t. she just…
her eyes flickered back open. she was sacred of it. that single fact hit her with the force of oncoming traffic, even as she attempted to push past it, but she couldn’t. she couldn’t keep pretending. she was scared of her magic. she had been for a very long time, and ignoring that fear wasn’t ever going to make it go away. no, she knew what would happen. that fear would settle in, rot her bones and spread until every part of her was corrupted by its lingering presence, until there was nothing left inside her that was spared from it. and she refused for that to happen.
unbidden, flashes of memories flickered at the outskirts of her mind. iron rusted over doors and rose scented bathing chambers. bruises in the shapes of animals dotting to thin flesh. she shoved back, shoved those memories down into the corners of her mind where she wouldn’t have to look at them with near desperation. if she kept them there for long enough, would they eventually disappear?
stop. she dragged herself away from the shadow of those memories, starting at the first thing that caught her attention in the near dark room- a poster hanging up on the fare side of the wall, writing obscured the shadows that coated the room so that she was unable to read it from where she was standing. regardless she stared it, used it to ground herself. to focus.
letting her eyes slide back closed, she turned her thoughts inwards. magic was not the problem, she told herself. reminded herself. her magic was not bad, nor something to be afraid of. it was hers, and she refused to let the fear they had rooted in her to corrupt it. she refused.
she felt that lingering presence crack open inside her, distant and buried under layers and layers of blood and bone and flesh. but this time she did not shy away from it. she did not shove it back. instead, she let it slowly emerge, to fill her veins, as warmth spread through her. her fingers began to tingle.
somewhere deep inside she felt a stirring, a tug that she tugged back on, that she let fill her senses until she could feel it- her magic, swirling and pulsing in time with her heartbeats.
‘lumos.’
she opened her eyes, and was greeted with darkness. it was disappointment this time that filled her chest, spilling outwards with the defeated sigh that punched out of her lungs.
turning, she silently slipped back out of the still classroom and back into the awaiting shadows of the dark hallway, sealing the door behind her as she retreated to her dorm room. soon, the hallway was empty, silence once more settling upon its stone once the echoes of her near silent footsteps faded. the hallway stood empty, abandoned in the early morning darkness of night, filled only with the moonlight pouring through one of its thick paned windows, the slow swirl of dust through the still air and a faint glow that leaked through the crack between the one of the hallway’s heavy oak doors and stone floor.
there was nobody around to see it. to notice that behind a closed door of a divinations classroom, tucked into the shadow enclosed corner of the room where it had not been before, was now glowing a small white light.