Chapter 1
Sirius Black knew that he was overbearing, annoying and without meaning to- manipulative. He knew that being loud and obnoxious was annoying, but he didn't know how to turn it off.
Remus Lupin was his first love, well maybe after James Potter but Sirius had grown out of that somewhere around third year when he and Remus got closer than ever.
It took Sirius until the fifth year to realise the feelings for James he had felt before. The both of them discussed it and laughed about it.
Remus was Sirius's favourite person. Only sometimes it felt as if Sirius and James belonged together in a way that Remus did not. Sirius could read Remus with ease, observing as his lover pulled away from him and dealt witu his own emotions.
Sirius was fourteen when he felt Remus pull away for the first time. He begged and begged, but Remus refused to come back to him unless he threatened to kill himself so Remus would not kill himself and leave him behind.
This continued in a vicious cycle, eating away at both of them.
Remus, wanting to die.
And Sirius, too afraid to let his love go.
James was here through it all for Sirius. After all, they were still put together like two puzzle pieces that just clicked.
Sirius and Remus were pieces that you thought were just right, but when you try to move them apart, they pull, push, and turn, in exhaustion to get away from each other, but yet so desperate to not let go of what grounded them both.
Only James grounded Sirius more than Remus.
The first time Remus tried to kill himself, Sirius tried, and tried, and tried, to get him to listen, to throw up the pills, waking both his parents in distress, they could help Remus right?
His dad had just said the next morning that he had broken their promise of not using his phone past 11.00pm and had to leave it downstairs as if his boyfriend had not just tried to kill himself.
They tossed and turned around each other for a while like this. Remus trying to die, and Sirius desperate to save him, ruining himself in response.
He had been the only person that could let him keep his Moony, and he refused to let him go.
The first time Remus got admitted, he seemed happier than ever. Being in a crowd full of people that understood him from his own perspective. He was happy, but he let Sirius fall.
Every time Remus tried to hurt himself, kill himself, or do anything that remotely scared Sirius, James would be there. He would tell him that it's okay, that they'll figure it out, that he'll help his best friend.
Remus struggled with eating too. Finding it genuinely difficult to not throw up whatever he put through his throat. Sirius was observant, he noticed the patterns but did not do anything to stop it.
Instead he just felt so angry, angry with himself, with Remus, with the world, with whoever thought that this was okay.
Sirius returned to anger within all his emotions, so focussed on trying to stop Remus from doing something stupid, to not upset him, that he wasn't able to develop his own ability to express his feelings. Bottling them up in only response he knew how to, before bursting it all out like a spewing volcano.
Around fourteen, was the age when Sirius figured out he'd been born in the wrong body, feeling like a boy instead.
He approached his parents with his new name but his parents just spewed at him, refused to call him that and told him he'd never be a boy. Feelings he still holds onto, years later.
The second time Remus was admitted, he didn't even care to tell Sirius.
He had been tied up, like a psycho, in the back of an ambulance because they thought he was trying to kill himself after mixing alcohol with drugs.
This was right afrer Remus refused to take his anxiety meds and collected them in a little bowl. Sirius saw it happening, but never said anything. Not his responsibility, wasb't it?
Sirius saw him admitted through a picture, no context, just a picture. And Remus didn't even understand what he'd done wrong. As if a suicidal person mixing medication and alcohol doesn't seem like a suicide attempt.
Sirius lost it. Said words he couldn't take back, wouldn't want to for a long time and Remus did the same.
They fired away at each other in attempt to bat each other's puzzle piece away from them.
They spoke a year later. Sirius reaching out because he'd finally calmed down, accepted it, and missed him.
God, he missed him so much. His best friend, his lover, his first love, his first drag and drink.
His first kiss.
It's all been taken away from him.
Yet, James stayed alongside Sirius all the time, slotting his own puzzle piece together with Sirius'.