march
March
With Easter right around the corner, Tessa and her friends decided to go on the last Hogsmeade trip together before the two week holiday. Their codependency was admirable. Since Willow and Evelyn were returning to non-wizarding households, and Dora’s family was a mess of another league, they wouldn’t see each other until the train ride back.
As they stroll through the town, Pandora updates them on her most recent crush: a girl she met while waiting for Dorcas and her girlfriend outside Gryffindor tower. Pan had yet to actually talk to the girl, but in her head they were already married with a couple kids.
“So, what’s this girl’s name?” Evelyn asks, obviously trying to deduce from the details who it is.
“Oh…well, the thing is I don’t know. She asked me about the pins on my robes, and we talked for a couple minutes. We never exchanged names,” Pandora reveals shyly.
“Dora, you know I love you, but you have to know that saying you’re in love with this girl is a little far fetched, right?” Evelyn suggests softly.
“Oh, absolutely. Feelings aren’t rational Eve, and I rather enjoy the feeling of hope that comes with a new crush. I think we all could use some hope these days,” Pandora says as she fiddles with the pins on her coat.
“Are things any better at home?” Tessa asks.
“Not really, no. I do okay, ya know. It helps that I’m a girl, so as long as I get married my dad doesn’t really care about me. Benefits of being an illegitimate child, I guess. I just hate how hard it is on Evan. He doesn’t let me in anymore, always talking about how I don’t need to worry about our dad and he will deal with it. I think he’s probably doing it out of some misplaced sense of honor, but… I’m the older sibling. I should be the one protecting him,” Pandora explains in a somber tone, eyes now glued to her feet.
“Brothers can be the worst,” Tessa adds as they reach the front door to the Three Broomsticks. They find a booth away from the door, and all huddle in together to combat the cold. Willow lasts a couple seconds in her seat before she murmurs something about alcohol, and hops up to go get them a round of drinks.
“Speaking of brothers, how’s Dean these days? Still a raging asshole?” Pandora inquires, a playful expression returning to her face.
“Don’t you dare try to change the subject Dora. We aren’t finished talking about you. And yes, he’s Dean so of course he’s a raging asshole. He sent me a rather stern letter last month describing exactly how I should act regarding Cass and Becca’s wedding.”
“Tess, I love you, but I really want to slap your brother.” Eve offers as she leans back on the cushioned booth seat.
“Get in line babe, I’ve been wanting to slap that guy since third year,” Willow adds as she sits four butterbeers on the table. “I’ll never forgive him for preventing you from joining me on the pitch.”
“You don’t even know if I would have made the team. I’m a decent flier, but I can’t throw or hit anything worth a damn.”
“Exactly, that’s why you would have been the keeper.”
“Well, it’ll never happen so you might as well let it go, Lo.”
“It was worth a shot.” Willow leans back against the booth, dreamily sighing as through she had lost the love of her life.
“Speaking of… well actually, speaking of nothing. This has nothing to do with quidditch, but I’ve got to ask. Lo,, when are you going to just shag Barty and put the rest of us out of our misery?” Evelyn calmly asks with a turn of her head to face Willow.
Pandora and Tessa whip their heads to look at each other with wide eyes. Willow reactively shoots up like she’s been shocked and starts coughing from the misplaced sip of butterbeer that she had been taking.
“What?! Barty? You’ve got to be joking.” Willow chokes out weakly.
“I mean, you’ve been bickering with each other for years. I figured if the fighting wasn’t resolving the tension, then maybe…” Eve countered.
“Absolutely not.” Lo chugs the rest of her drink and slouches. “I’d never let that asshole see me naked.”
Simultaneously they burst into laughter, and hastingly move their drinks to prevent spills. They didn’t calm until long after they forgot what they were laughing at in the first place. Something that made them all feel like they might just be able to fly.
Pandora, wearing her usual unreadable expression that Tessa knew meant she just wants to see how far something will go, agrees with a “I think Evelyn is onto something.”
A quick silence takes over as they all ponder how it would all play out.
“I think Willow would die before getting involved with someone younger,” Tessa suggests, sparking a chorus of murmuring agreements.
“I think I agree with that sentiment. In fact, I think I should make a vow in front of many witnesses to not date younger.” Willow declares. Evelyn holds up her glass in a sign to toast to her declaration. Pandora and Willow hastily lift their glasses to join her.
“I’m afraid I can’t join you ladies in that. Colin’s still sixteen.”
“I… forgot about him,” Evelyn sighs, lowering her butterbeer.
Me too. In fact, I seem to forget he exists during parties he invites me to.
Nope. Definitely not unpacking that. Moving on.
They spend the rest of the day sipping on butterbeer and talking. Eventually putting an end to the day when they drag themselves back up to the castle, warm and comfortable from a day full of love.
***
The next day, drained from the previous day’s adventures, Tessa holes up in her bed and spends the entire day working on her most recent numbers. She was so close to predicting a perfect game during the last Ravenclaw match, but missed the mark on one of the Hufflepuff beaters.
The next match is going to be Slytherin versus Gryffindor: the most intense match of the season. Great for viewing, and absolutely awful for predicting.
She always starts by updating how each player has performed according to the most recent match.
The Slytherin team has done quite well this season. The numbers suggest the reason is just one player: Regulus Black. The rest of the team is performing well, but not at a level that should put them above any of the other teams. Without Reg, they are painfully average. A thought a little uncomfortable for Tessa, considering her boyfriend is their most seasoned chaser.
The Gryffindor team, however, stands out in a different way. Since starting at Hogwarts, Tessa remembers the Gryffidors always performing well. This year was on a different level. A perfect storm of players creating an unbeatable group. Black and McKinnon were an unstoppable duo, wielding the bludgers like an extension of themselves. Combined perfectly with the promising ability of their seeker, by the name of King, and an adequate team of chasers. Additionally, many of the players once trained under Frank Longbottom. The former captain had an innate ability for imparting skill into his players. Then, on top of it all, there’s James Potter.
For someone who tried to ignore the boy as much as possible, Tessa found it a hopeless effort when it came to quidditch. The boy was unstoppable.
His numbers made Tessa feel alive. He was in a league of his own: always outscoring any other player on the pitch. Careful to separate the player from the person, Tessa gushed over his skill like a fan.
Needless to say, a match where Potter and Reg were on opposing teams was proving to be difficult to call. Tessa cannot afford to miss the toss ups when it’s time to predict more serious matters. She has to get this right.
She spends the rest of the afternoon finishing her predictions for each individual player, and only halting her progress to join her friends for dinner. Once each player was accounted for, she would look at the team statistics. The worst part was accounting for the weather because it could change at any time. Her formulas to combine it all were extremely complex. Many times she questioned if she even understood them herself.
Late that night, a smile spread on her lips as she finally combined all her data to predict a winner. Should Slytherin win, and all the players perform as usual, she would be able to move forward with her plans.
***
She had finally done it. She had actually done it. A perfect quidditch prediction was sitting in her hands. As soon as the commentator called the match (a Slytherin win), she ran back to her dorm to compare her notes from the match with the prediction she made last week. She had a good feeling, but wouldn’t let herself get excited until she reached the bottom of each parchment.
Every single piece was correct.
Having barely recovered from her run to Ravenclaw tower (she should really start exercising again), she travelled at a brisk walk all the way to Gryffindor tower.
It wasn’t until she got there that she realized she had no way of getting in. Luckily, a girl walked out from behind the painting not long after she arrived. The girl was quite short and had a head full of red hair that Tessa had only ever seen on her sister’s friend Molly.
“Are you waiting for someone?” She asked in a kind voice.
“Yes. Remus Lupin, is he here?”
The girl’s face turned fierce and protective. Tessa knew at that moment she would never want to be on the girl’s bad side. “I think so, he is probably working on that transfiguration essay if I know Remus. What do you want with him? He doesn’t take kindly to strangers if you–”
“Would you just let me in? I’m not a stranger, not even close to be honest. I need to update him on some very exciting news and I might lose it if I have to wait much longer.” Tessa requests. She knows she is being rude, but couldn’t care less if it meant she got what she wanted.
“Maybe. How do you know Remus?” The girl demands, matching Tessa’s rough exterior immediately.
Tessa wants to roll her eyes and ignore the questions. She would prefer nothing memorable about her to be shared with this stranger, but the entrance had closed behind her. There was nothing to do but talk her way into it or leave.
“We’ve been studying together for years. I’ve honestly spent more hours in his dorm working on essays than my own because Pandora talks when she paints, and it is not conducive for serious work. I promise I’m not trying to break in or anything like that.” Tessa rambled, knowing that if she shows a bit of herself it will make the girl feel like she knows her.
The girl’s expression turns curious, tilting her head slightly to examine Tessa. “You know Pandora?”
Oh. That girl. This was Pandora’s mystery love.
Matching the girl’s stance with a curious look of her own, she prepared to be just as protective of her best friend. “She’s my best friend. Roommate, too. How is it you know her?”
“I met her. Right here actually. Not more than a couple weeks ago.”
Tessa didn’t like it. Pandora was strong and fierce like, but she was also not averse to being vulnerable. If this girl knew Pandora by name and chose not to find her, that meant she didn’t feel the same way, right?
False approachability, Tessa. It always works.
“Ah, I see. I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your name.”
“Lily. Lily Evans.” The girl extends a friendly hand, backing down just as Tessa had done.
Tessa had to give it to her. Her protectiveness of Remus was admirable, and Tessa guessed that they would have a lot in common if she chose to let her in.
Never gonna happen.
“I’m Tessa. Tessa Cole,” She responds, accepting the handshake. As she meets the eyes of the redhead, she sees that her amicable expression morphs into excitement.
“You’re Tessa?! Merlin, I’m your biggest fan!” The girl jumps up in excitement and grabs Tessa’s hand tighter. “I made the boys tell me the story of how you told James off like a million times! Come on, I’ll let you in, but only if you promise to tell me the story from your perspective one day.” Lily pulls Tessa by the hand and lets them into the Gryffindor common room.
In the common room, Tessa starts to regret her choices.
Of course they’re all here.
“Tess? What do we owe the pleasure?” Asks the black haired boy smiling at her from his relaxed position on the couch.
Do not make friends Tessa. These people are not your crowd, and they will hate you as soon as they figure out who your family is.
“Is Lupin here?” Is all she asks, trying her absolute best to be rude.
Of course, she should have known that wouldn’t put Sirius off of trying to talk to her.
“Upstairs reading. You know him, can’t stand to talk about quidditch for more than a couple minutes. Do you want to meet everyone? Everyone this is Tess—”
“I’ll just make my way up, Sirius. Good game today. Your personal best, ya know.” Tessa announces, making eye contact with Potter and smirking. It was his personal best too, but she didn’t mention that. She keeps her confident composure as she approaches the stairs.
She hears his voice in her head as she does. “Never show a moment of weakness, Tess. Remember, we are better than them.”
Her brother did always have a way with words.
She slumps her way up the rest of the stairs. It was exhausting to be around people she had to pretend with.
When she reaches the door to the dorm, she knocks louding, and alerts her friend of her presence. “Remus if you are not decent, you better hurry because I will be opening this door in a couple seconds either way.”
“All is well, T. Come in.”
He barely gets to finish the sentence before Tessa is opening the door. She runs straight for her friend and engulfs him in a hug. “Remus! I’ve done it!”
The boy pulls back and gives her a questioning look. Not a minute later, Remus all but drops her in shock. “Have you actually? This morning’s match?”
“Down to the last goal. I checked at least five times before I let myself believe it. I came straight here.”
Remus pulls her right back into his arms, lifting her off the ground in excitement.
He puts her down and a full on grin stretches across his face. “Well come on Tess, let me see it!”
She pulls the evidence out of her robe and hands it to Remus to examine. He accepts the parchment and immediately starts scanning the calculations.
Remus breaks into an even bigger grin, the scars on his face pulling as he does. “I’m proud of you Tess, this is truly remarkable.”
“I know. I’m sure to be the smartest person you know now.”
“Oh, please. You always have been.”
Giddy from the accomplishment, the two pile onto his mattress, staring in awe at the parchment in front of them.
In the coming years Tess would think back on this moment. How excited she got over such a small victory. When the world grew darker, and victory all but impossible, it was this memory that reminded her how far she had come.
***
Easter holiday had to be the worst thing about being in the Cole family. Tessa knew the minute she stepped off the train and spotted her parents she had experienced her last second of relaxation for the next two weeks.
First, there would be the parties. All the pureblood families were attending a ball during the first week, followed by all the other “blood traitors” getting together during the second week.
This meant that Tessa would spend the days prior to each event trying to get all her younger siblings polished enough not to cause a social scandal.
Second, there was Tessa’s other task on break: watch her siblings so her parents could relax.
As she stepped off the train and onto the platform, she turned and reached back to grab Ben by the hand. There were so many people, and Tessa was suddenly very protective.
“Tess, I’m 13 now, do you have to hold my hand every time we enter a crowd?”
“Last time we lost you in a crowd you let loose a million fake bugs, I’m not doing it for your safety.” Tess laughed, recalling the incident. She was lying, of course, but Ben didn’t need to know how scared she was to let him out of her sight.
“Fine, but I’m not doing it happily.”
“I’d never expect anything else Benny,” Tessa sighed as she dragged him behind her.
Ben had officially entered his “grown up” phase where he acted like he was too old for everything. Tessa could let him get away with it at school, especially since they were in different houses, but she was not letting him cause trouble at home. Particularly, since the pranking had started. None of them know who he got the ideas from, but it's now tradition to triple check your surroundings if Ben is in the house.
When the two Cole siblings reached their parents, Billy and Birdie Cole leapt forward to hug them.
“My babies. I’ve missed you so much, my loves.” Their mother cooed as she squeezed them into a hug. Once she let go, their father gave them each a modest side hug and a kiss on the forehead to show his quiet love for his children.
Once all the parental affection had concluded, Tessa swooped up the person she was most excited to see.
Graham, who wasn’t known for sitting still, squirmed in her grasp as she picked him up. Once she had a hold on him, he gave in and melted into his sister’s arms. Graham and Tessa were a special kind of pair. She loved all her siblings, but Graham was her best friend. She never really felt whole without him. Every time she left home it felt like she was leaving behind a piece of her.
Once everyone had been properly greeted, the Cole family all began their walk to the Leaky Cauldron, where they would floo home. Their parents led the way down the busy street, holding hands and smiling at each other like they were still teenagers in love. Ben and Angelina followed behind them, excitedly discussing the pranks that Ben had accomplished over the last couple months. Tessa, with Graham safety secured on her back, followed behind.
After they reached their destination, they filed into their home. The family immediately broke off to go unpack and settle into their rooms.
The Cole family had two residences: one in the country and one in the city. Their city home, a small house with two floors, was usually close quarters for the large family. Now that the older five siblings had moved out and started their adult lives, the small home was much more comfortable for the family.
The bottom floor of the home had a large dining and living room area for entertaining guests. An average kitchen was attached to the dining room, but the family rarely cooked anymore. The master bedroom was secluded from the rest of the floor with a short corridor that led to the back corner of the house.
The upstairs was less diverse. It included just the bedrooms and bathrooms for all the Cole children. There were four rooms, two of which were single bedrooms that belonged to Dean and Cassidy (the only Cole children when the house was built). The two other rooms were added on later: one for the rest of the boys and another for the rest of the girls. With only four of them still living with their parents, the remaining children were evenly distributed to one child per room. It was only when their older siblings would visit they would have to move around to accommodate more people.
Tessa and Ben, being the oldest, got the privilege of the single rooms. Each had their own bathroom: the only reason they preferred these rooms over any of the others. Once they moved all their stuff to the landing of the second floor, the two tired students dragged their stuff into their respective rooms and promptly shut their doors.
Tessa took a look around the place she would stay for the next two weeks. The walls were covered with quidditch posters and there were large stacks of records taking up any extra space left by the furniture: it screamed Cassidy.
Tessa, nor Sloane who used to occupy the room, ever changed any of the decorations. It never seemed necessary, since the Cole’s only stayed in their city home when their Hogwarts age children were on short breaks. The longer summer and Christmas holidays were spent in their larger manor in the country.
Tessa had always liked their country home better. With their house elf (who was compensated handsomely), Tessa had a lot less responsibility for her younger siblings. She could spend time alone and enjoy the rare silence.
Here in the city, Tessa had to remain available and alert.
She did, however, love how Cassidy had left the room. Not only was it packed full of good music, but it was just how Tessa would have decorated her room if she was ever allowed to indulge her quidditch obsession. Something about the room always made her feel connected to her sister. Cass was a constant reminder of who she could have been in another life: free and unapologetic.
Tessa wasted no time finding the first Beatles record she could and promptly putting it on the record player. When the music spilled from the speakers, her shoulders relaxed. She felt at home for the first time since she went back to school.
She started to unpack her trunk, only getting through a couple books before she heard a knock at her door. When she pulled it open, all three of her younger siblings were smiling up at her.
“We heard music and wanted to join you.” Angelina said, pairing it with the face that gets her whatever she wants.
It wasn’t uncommon that they all found solace in Tessa’s room. It was a very relaxing space due to Cassidy’s laid back personality. Tessa opened the door the rest of the way, and all three children promptly piled onto the bed to watch Tessa unpack.
“So, young heroes, what have I missed?” Tessa asks, excited to hear about the lighthearted adventures of her favorite people.
***
Later that week, Tessa was expected to attend the annual pureblood ball with her entire family. That morning, she awoke early, desperate to get in some alone time before she had to wrangle the tiny humans all day.
She descended the stairs and went straight to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee. She is halfway through pouring her cup, when she notices her mom sitting at the counter with a cup of her own. There’s a smile on her lips, and her eyes are lively as ever.
Birdie Cole had always had a streak of fierceness running through her, but it was her warmth that left a lasting mark on anyone that knew her. Not too different than the young redhead Tessa had meant a couple weeks ago.
“Early morning?” Her mom asks as she joins her for a seat at the counter.
“Yeah, I wanted to read before everyone else got up.”
“Smart choice. I don’t think Graham will let you out of his sight until you are back on the train. It reminds me of how you used to be with Dean.”
“I wanted to be just like him as a kid. Not sure it was a wise choice, but I recognize the similarities more and more each day’” Tessa sighs, gripping the handle of her mug tightly. Holding onto something real in desperation to stay grounded in the moment.
“Oh honey, don’t compare yourself to your siblings. Your father and I are not perfect parents, not even close. We did, however, make sure to teach each of you to make your own decisions about who you wanted to be. However extreme those decisions may be.”
It's the first time Tessa has gotten any inkling that either of her parents didn’t approve of any of their children. There is no mistaking the look in her mother’s eyes: she’s tired.
They mirror each other. Not just in the way they are both clutching to the coffee in their hands. Her mother is sitting here, taking refuge in the quiet of the morning. The dark circles under her eyes and the deep sigh she lets out reveals how hard she is working. Working to protect her children from the worst of what is going on with her siblings.
Tessa knows how hard that can be. After all, she is doing the same thing. Only to realize that however bad she thinks it is, it must be so much worse. She had never thought she was like her mother, but here in the dim morning light they feel like twin souls.
“Will Cass be there tonight?” Tessa asks hesitantly.
Her mother lets out a quiet laugh, “Oh heavens no. She wrote me last week to let me know she wouldn’t be attending any family events that Becca could not come along. It was hard, realizing my babies don’t want to all spend time together anymore, but I’m proud of her. She shouldn’t have to go anywhere without her wife if she wishes.”
The two girls are silent for a minute. It feels like a new hobby. To sit in the realization of the gravity of their situation. And to think, they had been doing it simultaneously in different places and thinking the other is spared from the pain. This war was going to tear their family apart, and they could do nothing to stop it.
Well, not yet. Tessa couldn’t wait to get back to her work.
“At least Dean will be in higher spirits. I’m not sure I can take his whining. Sometimes I swear his baby brother is more mature than he is.” Tessa groans as she finishes her coffee.
At this, Tessa’s mother gives her a serious look. It is a breakthrough for her, but Tessa has no idea what for. She can see the pieces falling together in her mother’s eyes and it's terrifying to know that there are things she is keeping from her. Things that obviously mean something.
“Tessa, sweetheart, there is something I must say.” She takes a deep breath, eyes glued to her coffee cup. “You’ve always been my most independent child. Doing whatever it takes to keep everyone on good terms, and never doing what it took for your own interests. Dean, he is my first baby, and I love him so much. He is also a very cunning boy, and I’m sure those Slytherin classmates of his fostered some of that. He will take whatever you give him, and make it work for his advantage. It has worked famously for his career, but it isn’t great for being a good brother. If he is bothering you, I want you to know I would never hold it against you to tell him how you feel. Him and Cassidy were the best of friends as kids. They grew apart when they went to school. It broke both of them to watch the person they love the most become the thing they hate. Dean, he copes with it by turning to you. If you let him, he will turn you into the Cassidy he never got to see. You are worth so much more than being her replacement. Even if it means you never speak to him again. I would never want to see you sacrifice yourself for the sake of this family.”
The once empty mug in Tessa’s hand is now the home of a single tear that falls from her face. Her mother has never said much about how Dean treats her. There had been a comment or two about how she is old enough to make her own decisions, but they were always brushed away.
Tessa’s once impenetrable wall cracks just a little. She wants more than anything to forget it all and follow her mother’s advice.
Because no matter how much her mother wants to keep her from sacrificing herself for her family, Tessa is going to do just that.
Every. Single. Time.
Nothing will be able to stop her.
***
That evening, Tessa and her parents meet Dean and his wife, Daphne, outside the entrance to Malfoy Manor. The young kids would come for the socializing and dancing part of the evening, but the formal dinner was strictly for adults.
“Tess.” She turns to find Colin hovering near by. A smile crosses her face. A weak one, sure, but a smile nonetheless.
“Avery! I’m so glad you were able to come escort Tessa in. Shall we go?” Dean asks in all the authority of a command.
Colin presents his arm to Tessa, and she accepts as they ascend the stairs to the front door. Tessa, who is usually very graceful in heels, is still grateful for the extra support since she can’t see her feet in the long dress she is wearing.
Colin leans down, putting his mouth close to her ear, “You look lovely tonight.”
Sure, if funeral chic is your thing.
Tessa is wearing a long black dress. Her color is usually blue, but Dean found out and demanded she pick something else. Her fair skin is best complemented by dark colors, so she went with black. She would have worn green, but she has too much Ravenclaw pride to betray her house colors like that. The dress itself is an empire waist with a square neckline, making her look like she stepped straight out of one of the regency books she used to read. The similarity is solidified even more when they step into the manor’s entryway. If Tessa hadn’t been going to these events since she would walk, she would have thought she had time traveled back a century or two.
“Come along family, we should find our seats before we socialize,” Dean suggests. Tessa looks over at her father, not surprised that he is all too happy to let Dean take the lead at this particular event. Tessa’s dad always hated balls and such, so he promptly let Dean take over as soon as he showed an interest.
Tessa leans over to Colin, mimicking his former posture, and asks “Will you sit with your family tonight?”
“Yes, but they are conveniently seated right next to yours,” He adds as a smirk plays on his lips. Tessa knows this means he bargained with Dean so they could sit by each other.
“Excellent, that means I can appreciate how handsome you look in your suit all night long.”
An hour later, well into the dinner, Tessa finally spots Regulus. She had been trying to find her various friends all night, but couldn’t look around too enthusiastically without drawing attention to herself. She had spotted Evan earlier, dragging himself around behind his father. The two were alone, which meant Mr. Rosier had forbidden Pandora from attending. This wasn’t uncommon for him, as he often told her she couldn’t show her face at an event like this because of her illegitimacy. As if it wasn’t his own fault that she was conceived outside of marriage.
Regulus was seated near the head of the table, likely because his cousin was soon to be the lady of the manor. His parents looked as horrible as ever, constantly glancing in his direction. Tessa liked to imagine them living in constant fear that their second son would defect too.
Regulus, however, looked bored as ever.
A couple minutes later, the two made eye contact and Regulus gave her a wink. She took that to say that they would talk later.
The action did not go unnoticed. As she reached for her drink, she could see Colin looking at her curiously. “I didn’t realize you and Black were such good friends,” Colin bites out.
“Regulus Black?” Dean questions, inserting himself into their conversation.
“Uh yeah, he’s rather academic. Hangs around some of my housemates during the more difficult exam times. I’ve talked to him at parties, just friendly networking.” Tessa responded, knowing the exact words to say to make Dean approve. Anything that would elevate their family in a higher political circle was music to her brother’s ears.
“That’s good. It will be helpful someday to know the Black heir.” Dean assures her, as if she needed his approval.
“Wait, is that who you disappeared with at the house party last month? I couldn’t find you all night," Colin, obviously more angry now, inquires.
“Yeah. Like I said, we talk at parties sometimes.” She could tell this wasn’t satisfactory for her boyfriend. “We mostly just talked about quidditch, since you care so much.”
“That’s not proper conversation Tessa,” barks Dean. Heaven forbid someone use the Q-word.
“What’s not proper is that my girlfriend spent that entire night hidden away with another guy. Alone.”
Tessa, noticing the people around them start to find interest in her, barks back at them, “Can we not do this here?”
Both men reluctantly back down, but the damage has already been done as far as Tessa is concerned. She longed for the familiar comfort of her invisibility.
Later on that night, the dinner had finally finished. Tessa took the first opportunity for her to slip away from her dinner company, and slink back into the shadows. She caught herself longing for the company of Sirius. She was still hesitant to consider them real friends, but it would be nice to pretend again.
So much for not being attached.
When she was confident that no one was coming to look for her, she turned down the first corridor that led away from the ballroom. She hesitantly made her way down the hallway, only the click of her heels to keep her company. The overwhelming silence made her want to run back to the ballroom and curl herself under the arm of her father. No one’s family home should be so…dark. Pity the child that has to live here.
“Lost are you, Miss Cole?”
“Not lost. My goal was to get away from the ballroom and I think I’ve accomplished that.”
Regulus is smiling as he steps into the thin light coming in from the window. They don’t say anything, he just begins walking. Sometimes it's easy to forget that he grew up in the most powerful family in the wizarding world. It’s in moments like this, when he expects people to follow him without a word, that it’s impossible to forget.
Further down the corridor, Reg abruptly turns and reaches for one of the windows, opening it with familiar ease. He turns to offer her hand, but Tessa is already removing her heels and climbing the bricks to make her way out of the window.
“Don’t stare at my ass, Mister Black.”
“Oh please. Even my gay self can’t resist you Miss Cole.”
Tessa giggles as she lands on the other side of the window, quickly casting a warming charm over the area.
The balcony is small, but the view of the night sky is beautiful. Reg joins her a moment later, having jumped through the window with much more grace than she ever could.
Neither of them say anything. They sit in the silence of everything unsaid. It’s the first one of these events where they’ve interacted like this. In the past, Tess would have never asked Reg to join, and Reg would have never been caught acting like his brother. Each of them are trying to push away the same thought as they settle on the cold ground of the balcony.
You’re not Sirius. I wish you were.
“Where are you tonight?” Tessa asks.
“Just there.” Regulus points towards the star.
“It must be nice. To feel connected to something bigger.”
Regulus just hums in response.
The following silence is comfortable, and it persists through many cigarettes before Tessa brings up her favorite topic: embarrassing moments from dinner. They spend the rest of the night in fits of laughter as they debrief the night to each other.
It isn’t until they hear a voice come from the window above that they realize how long they’ve been gone.
“Regulus.”
Whenever the person speaks, Reg reaches over and slowly laces their fingers together.
“Lucius.”
Lucius Malfoy leans over the edge of the window to look down at them. She watches him notice their intertwined hands and then smirk to himself. Tessa, realizing what Reg was doing, smiles up at Lucius like a lovesick little girl.
“Best return to the party Regulus, your parents are looking for you. You know they will insist you dance with a young lady before the night is over.” And just as soon as he appeared, Malfoy was gone. The two of them relax, returning their hands to their lap.
“Well that’s sure to stir a rumor or two.” Tessa slumps against the wall, wishing she could just melt straight into it.
“Come on, we should return. I have to entertain suitors, and you have to return to your boyfriend. I believe that he will be wanting that dance.”
They climb back through the window, careful to appear put together when they return. Rumors of secret conversations on balconies are one thing, but illicit affairs are another.
They enter the ballroom just as another dance is about to begin. Reg walks off in search of whichever young lady will be his cover up for the night.
When Tessa is alone, she scans the room to look for her parents. She doesn’t get the chance to find them before Colin appears in front of her.
“A dance, my love?” He asks in a stern tone.
“Of course, Colin.” Tessa responds as she accepts his hand and they make their way to the dance floor. Tessa had always loved dancing, but the tension in Colin’s shoulders makes her dread being stuck with him for the remainder of the dance. They dance in silence for a couple seconds before Colin takes a deep breath, as if he is preparing to deliver bad news.
“You can tell me, ya know.”
“Tell you what, Colin?”
“If you would rather be with him. I don’t want someone who is looking at another man.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.” It’s a lie. Tessa knows exactly what he means. He’s implying that she cheated on him. Trying to hide your true meaning is useless when talking to the sister of a politician.
“Come on, Tessa. This is the second time you’ve disappeared with him for the entire party. Am I supposed to believe that nothing is happening between you two? He’s rich and handsome, and well, your brother would love him.”
“It sounds like you want to date him.”
“I’m serious, Tessa.”
No you’re not. His brother is.
It was strange, arguing as they gracefully floated around the dance floor. The soft, loving way that Colin held onto her was empty. It was the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes that had emotion behind them.
Tessa had always known that Colin could be cold, it came with the title of a pureblood heir. But the pure disgust and anger in his eyes at this moment was shocking. Not because she had never been looked at that way, but because it was coming from him. All she could think was that only one man in her life was able to look at her that way.
“You look just like my brother, Avery.”
***
A week later, Tessa still didn’t feel like going to another party. This one, however, wasn’t for her brother. This one was for her parents. They had always been friendly with the other crowd, but these people were their actual friends.
The party was being held at Potter Manor in honor of all the school age kids being home. Since it was a casual party, all the young kids would be there for the entire party. There were always a lot of happy children at these parties, and Tessa would be able to relax knowing her siblings were safe.
Tessa got ready by putting on a pair of jeans and a dark blue long sleeve turtleneck shirt. She put her hair in braids and darned her favorite hoop earrings: she felt like herself. When they walked through the door of the Potter’s, Tessa immediately felt better than she ever did at Malfoy Manor.
Graham was very excited to interact with some other young kids and dragged Tessa by the arm towards the living room. She took a seat on the couch and encouraged Graham to go play with the other kids while she watched from close by.
She looked around and she spotted a couple people her age, but no one she particularly wanted to interact with. Her spot on the couch would do just fine.
It wasn’t until someone jumped over the back of the couch and sat next to her that she really interacted with anyone.
Next to her, with a shy smile, was James Potter.
“What do you want, Potter?” Tessa said and she turned back to watch Graham, refusing to look him in the eye.
“How do you know I want something?”
“Why would you have any other reason to talk to me? You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. There’s nothing wrong with that, Potter. Not everyone has to like you.” Tessa huffed at his presence.
Immediate regret fills Tessa when she sees the look on his face. She knows what it looks like when you hit a nerve, and that’s what she’s just done. She should know better. If anyone knew better, it was her. She has spent her entire life trying to make everyone else comfortable, and she is here criticizing someone for doing the exact same thing.
“I’m sorry,” Tess says. “I’m not great at holding my words.”
“No. You can’t apologize to me! I came to apologize to you!” Thankfully, his smile was back. That felt like the biggest victory Tessa had ever accomplished. “I should have never said what I said to you. It was wrong of me to assume something about someone because of their family. Trust me, Sirius gave me enough grief about it afterwards. He also told me how you knew each other. I could never dislike someone who was there for him when I couldn’t be.”
Tessa wasn’t sure what to do at this moment. She looked at him, and all she could think to do was smile. So she did. They smiled at each other, and enough words were said. Tessa looked into his eyes, and saw nothing but genuine fondness behind them. And the timing could not be worse. A boy she didn’t even like was sitting here looking at her like that, and her own boyfriend could only look at her with disgust.
She didn’t want to cry, but the way they looked at each other was too much.
Tessa felt the tear roll down her cheek. She knew it happened. But she would have done anything to pretend it didn’t. Something James made impossible when he swept his thumb across her face, banishing the tear from sight. All she could think when he pulled his hand away was that she wished that he would do it again.
He was so gentle. Please, be gentle with me again.
Thankfully, she didn’t have to think about what that thought meant, because Graham ran up to her with his own tears running down his face. Tessa’s chest immediately hurts from seeing her little boy in pain.
“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?”
All the composure the boy was still holding onto completely crumbled at the sight of his older sister. His bottom lip quivered as he spoke, “The other boys won’t let me play with them.”
“Why, honey?”
“They said because my brother was mean to their family, but I know Benny would never do that. Why would they lie about that?” The quiet tears slowly got more intense as the boy spoke, making his shoulders shake.
Of course Dean managed to weasel his way into a perfectly good evening.
Tessa pulls Graham onto her lap and rubs his back until his crying slows.
“They weren’t talking about Ben, honey. Ben is just as nice to other people as he is to you.” She shifted her brother on her lap so that she could look him in the eyes. “Graham, I want you to listen to me really closely. No matter what other people say about us, never forget that I love you. You’ll always be my brother and I’ll always be your sister, and that means we’ll be together forever. Sound good?” The boy nods as he buries his head in her chest, hiding from the world.
Graham recovers quickly and sits straight up. “Tess, did you see Sirius? He remembered me! It was so cool!”
“Graham, is it?” James asks from next to them. Tessa, having forgotten he was there, jumps a bit at the new voice.
Graham, however, has no such problem. He smiles wide at the older boy and nods. “He is pretty cool, isn’t he? He’s actually my best friend. Would you want to come hang out with us for a bit?”
Graham lights up. He spins in her lap with a hopeful look, “Can I, Tessa?”
Tessa looks at James. He’s mirroring the excited look on her brother’s face, and she melts.
“Sure, Graham. Make sure you stay with James and Sirius, okay? If you can’t find mom or dad, Benny is right over there.”
Graham, looking older than he is, rolls his eyes at her overprotectiveness and hops off her lap. James winks at her (something she’s choosing to forget) and jumps up from his spot on the couch. He grabs Graham by the hand, and leads him away to be obsessed over by his friends.
With the boys gone, Tessa was immediately uncomfortable in her spot. She stood to survey the room, and walked slowly around until she found the entrance to the kitchen. Across the room, Graham was securely sitting on James’ shoulders and running his fingers over Remus’ scars. Sirius and Peter Pettigrew were standing on either side of the pair, fawning over her little brother.
It was sweet. Unbearably sweet.
Tessa caught Remus’ eyes and gave him a shy wave. He returned the gesture by giving her a smile she had never seen before. Maybe it was the relaxed atmosphere, but she likes to think it was nice for Remus to have someone admire his scars as something cool and not weird.
Tessa continues walking until she reaches the door that leads outside. The music was muffled from outside, but Tessa could hear the faint sound of a Bowie song. She continued down the stone path, surprised when she walked up on a large garden. The gate was open, so she assumed it would be okay for her to walk through it.
The garden was beautiful in a chaotic way. The garden tender was skilled in fostering the plants’ growth, but obviously didn’t care too much about the aesthetic of a neatly trimmed garden. It was unfamiliar to her. The gardens at pureblood manors were polished to precision, and used as a tool to show off how many expert gardeners the owner could afford.
At the end of the path, there was a little stone stoop. Tessa took a seat and finally relaxed.
The view was overwhelmingly beautiful. The stars were visible above her head, and the forest expanded out into the night not far from her.
With the muffled music of the party left far behind, Tessa caught herself humming a tune. It had always been the safest way for her to let something out. As she hummed, she got more confident and started to quietly sing the lyrics.
Oh, the sun is surely sinking down
But the moon is slowly rising
So this old world must still be spinning round
And I still love you
So close you eyes
You can close your eyes, it’s alright
And suddenly, it all rushes to the front of her mind at once. Dean looking at her like she would disappoint him at any moment. Avery calling her used up as they parted ways after the ball. The cold look he gave her. The tears in Graham's eyes. James hurt look after she lashed out. The empty seats at the dinner table where her siblings used to sit.
Failure. Failure . Failure.
The sky mocks her and the trees sway away from her. The world is so large and so beautiful, and she can’t make a single thing work out right. The stars create collections with ease. The forest forms from just the environment it’s immersed in. And Tessa? She runs away from anyone who might care because she knows they’ll leave. She’s got too much pride and too much love to watch them go.
And yet, she would point them in the right direction if it meant saving them from the shame of watching her fail them.
Alone. Alone. Alone.
She isn’t sure when she starts crying, but when the melody she was singing is interrupted by a break in her voice, she knows she is.
And that’s it. It all comes out.
Tessa had never been a crying girl, but it didn’t shock her that she was right now.
She didn’t recognize anything about herself these days. The fresh air turns to bitterness as she breathes it in, and eventually her lungs fight her at every inhale. Her jeans are spotted from the tears that have fallen onto her thighs. She can’t stand to look at them, so she pulls her knees to her chest and buries her face into them. There's a pathetic whimpering sound, and she foolishly hopes it isn’t from her.
Her sobs are so loud that she doesn’t hear someone approaching from behind. She only feels warm arms envelop her in a tight hug.
And suddenly, she’s sobbing in the arms of Lily Evans.