april
April
Having annoyingly intelligent friends a couple days after an absolute breakdown is perhaps the worst thing to happen to Tessa. Trying to pretend everything was fine was going to last maybe ten seconds, if she knew her friends. And yet, Tessa was still going to try.
But her confidence was low. How was she to keep up her mask if she hadn’t slept through the night for days.
As she stepped onto the train, the adrenaline keeping her awake immediately dissipated. With Ben already making his way to his friends, and the rest of her family was back on the platform, Tessa was finally only responsible for herself. Responsibility must be the new caffeine, because the crash is hitting her fast.
She drags herself down the narrow hall of the train in high anticipation of becoming horizontal. The usual compartment is already buzzing when Tessa arrives. Not only were all her roommates here, but their Slytherin friends (minus Dorcas who was probably with Marlene) also fill up the compartment.
Tessa slides open the door and immediately lays herself out on the floor. Well, lay down is the nice version. It was more of a collapse if she is honest with herself. Her body didn’t care that she wanted to make it to the bench, and decided the floor was better.
“That bad?” Barty asks jokingly.
“The worst.” Tessa groans out.
“I can confirm. My break would be the worst if my boyfriend was that horrible of a dance partner too.” Reg adds as he flips the page of his book passively.
Tessa groans again and rolls onto her back so she can properly give Reg the bird.
“Well it's a good thing you don’t date him for his dance skills then Tess.” Evan implies, laughing at her obvious distress.
“No, I only date him to shut my brother up,” Tessa hears herself say without thinking.
Fuck you, sleep deprivation.
Tessa bolts up from her spot on the floor as soon as she processes her friends definitely heard her. “Nope. Ignore that. That didn’t happen.”
“Already forgotten.” Comforts Eve as she pulls Tessa’s hair into her hands and begins braiding it.
“Ignored.” Dora joins in agreement.
“Oh I’m never forgetting that.” The black haired boy says through a smirk.
“Piss off, Reg.”
Once Eve finishes the single braid down her back and secures it with a ribbon from Pandora’s bag (that Tessa thinks must have an undetectable extension charm on it with how much stuff she keeps in it), she immediately slumps back on the floor. She is sure the floor is probably disgusting, but chooses not to care. Getting up to lay somewhere else right now seems like her worst nightmare.
Thankfully, she’s so exhausted she doesn’t have to be comfortable to near sleep.
A half hour later, she is still resting peacefully to the chorus of her friends’ quiet chatter. There’s something so relaxing about listening to those you love talk. Even then, her rest is rudely interrupted when someone slams open the compartment door.
“Reggie. Lovely to see you. I have…wait, why is Tess on the floor?” Sirius exclaims much too loudly for her to ignore.
“Reg, if you don’t shut him up I’m going to—” Tess bites out, not moving an inch. She doesn’t even need to finish her sentence before Regulus is taking action.
“What do you need, Sirius? It better be important if I am having to endure your presence.”
“Oh please little brother stop acting like you don’t miss me every second we’re apart.” Sirius says as he leans over and flicks Tessa on the forehead. Tessa groans, now awake, and flips onto her back. She opens her eyes to the sight of Sirius hovering a couple feet directly above her.
“Hiya Cole! Good morning to you. Miss me?”
“I’m sure I will once I kill you.” She says with a smile.
“Why are you on the floor, Tess?” Remus asks, leaning over Sirius’ shoulder to join him in looking down at her. Great, there’s more of them in the hallway.
“Haven’t slept in days. I was actually quite comfortable. Want to join me? You look like shit.” Tessa says angrily.
“Why weren’t you sleeping?!” Willow exclaims from inside the compartment.
“The boyfriend’s bad dancing kept you up all night, Tessy?” Barty asks, laughing so hard he barely finished the sentence.
“No, Barty. Thanks for the input.” Tessa says, kicking him in the shin. “Now if you all would just—”
“Why weren’t you sleeping, Cole? Is the family okay?” Sirius asks, all his usual joking tone absent from his words.
Tessa looked up at the two Gryffidors hovering above her. She knew they wouldn’t leave until they knew, and everyone else in the compartment would pull it out of her soon enough anyway.
“It’s Graham. He’s been…having nightmares. Came into my room and woke me up a lot is all.”
“Poor kid.” Remus sympathizes.
“I’m sorry, Tess. I’m sure he’ll get through it soon though. Graham is the toughest kid I know.” Sirius adds with a genuine smile.
“Did someone mention Graham?” Another head pops into Tessa’s view. Of course James was here.
“Wait, is this his super cool sister? How did I not know it was Tessa?” Peter Pettigrew asks, joining the other three in the narrow doorway.
“Great, is everyone on the train planning to come into my family life?” Tessa snaps as she sits up to properly face the four boys in the doorway.
“When your family is Graham Cole? Absolutely. I’m obsessed with that kid.” James confirms with a genuine smile that let’s Tessa know he isn’t just saying that to be nice.
“Awesome! Next time he wakes up at two in the morning after another nightmare, I’ll make sure to call you since you’re totally obsessed with him.” Tessa declares with a fake sweetness to her voice.
“Why doesn’t he just wake up your parents?” James asks innocently.
“James. Don’t.” Reg barks from behind his book.
If James is upset by the stern tone, he doesn’t show it. In fact, he turns to give Regulus a large smile. “Oh! Uh… Hi Regulus.” James forces out. When most people would feel fear, she sees a blush paint James’ cheeks when Reg meets his gaze with a scowl.
Of course he would think someone being mean is a reason to blush.
“Guys, let’s go. They don’t want us here anymore. And I want to find the trolley to get chocolate before all the good stuff is gone.” Remus explains as he pulls James and Peter out of the compartment by their robes.
Sirius hovers in the doorway, looking at his brother with a wistful expression. Reg, having turned his eyes down towards his book, is unaware of the pleading look his brother is giving him.
Eventually, Sirius gives in and speaks. “Reggie.”
At this, Reg looks up from his book. With their matching unsure expressions, the two of them almost look like twins. “I really did have a reason to stop by,” Sirius adds.
The two brothers stare at each other across the compartment. The couple of feet representing the worlds between them.
“Well get on with it then.” Reg bites out.
Sirius pulls something out of his robe as he approaches his brother. “Our uncle asked me to give you this when I visited him in St. Mungos over break. I don’t know what it is, so don’t ask. I’m just doing as he requested.”
Regulus hesitantly accepts the envelope Sirius is holding in front of him. The brothers give each other one last look of longing, and then Sirius is gone from the compartment to return to his friends.
“I’m so glad I’m not a Gryffidor.” Evelyn blurts out as soon as all their visitors have left.
“I was just about to say that!” Willow exclaimed excitedly.
“They’re exhausting.” Regulus huffs out.
“I second that.” Evan groans in agreement.
“Me too—” Willow and Barty start at the same time. They both grimace at the other, waiting for the other to say something they can argue with.
Before they can say anything, Tessa speaks up. “No no no, none of that today. I haven’t slept in days and I’ve been listening to children argue with each other for two weeks straight. You two will say nothing to the other until this train arrives at Hogwarts. Got it?”
The two teenagers back down and nod hesitantly.
After that, Pandora and Evelyn grab her under her arms and haul her into the bench. They fuss with her until she finally gives in and lays across their laps to go back to sleep, not waking until the train pulls up to Hogwarts. She is half asleep through dinner, and is thankful to collapse into her bed that night. Unlikely to wake for many hours.
***
Tessa was dreading having to talk to her boyfriend.
It was her gut instinct to completely ignore him until he got the hint that she didn’t like him anymore, but she couldn’t do that. She wasn’t even sure that it was true. Could she still like someone who talks to her like he did? Could she ever love him?
“I don’t want someone used up, Tessa. Our crowd is better than that.”
She gags even thinking about that night. You always think that you would immediately break up with someone who says stuff like that until it happens. Why can’t you just be strong for once, Tessa.
To try and quiet her swarming thoughts, she sits on the couch of the Ravenclaw common room to read about quidditch strategy. Her calculations are tucked into the different pages of the book to conceal their contents from any curious eyes. Curiosity ran rampant in her house, and she didn’t want anyone to know in case she failed. For all they know, she has just found an interest in quidditch. Random interests are not uncommon in her house either.
When a shadow fell over her, she was surprised to find Colin looking down at her.
How did you even get in here?
“Tessa. We need to talk.”
“About what? Are you here to apologize? Otherwise I don’t think there is anything we can talk about.” Tessa responds, forcing herself to keep her eyes on her book. She isn’t sure she would be able to remain strong if she looks up.
“Actually, if you had given me the chance, I was going to do just that.” He takes a seat next to her, putting his palm face up between them. “I shouldn’t have said what I did at the ball. It was wrong of me to assume, and to say those things about you. I’m sorry.”
It's overwhelming how fast Tessa wants to forgive him. She wanted to let him remind her of why he wanted to be with her. She wanted to go back to laughing and lounging on his bed. She wanted someone to be there.
And here he was. Looking at her with sorry eyes and an outstretched hand.
How many other men would be so sorry? She says to herself. She should count herself lucky that her guy was so earnest about being with her. But, it wasn’t resolved just yet.
“Why does it even matter, Colin? You still think I’m unfaithful, despite my word, and you won’t see reason.”
“Reason? If anyone isn’t seeing reason it’s you, Tessa. I mean, come on, what other guys are okay with their girl hanging out alone with other single guys.”
“Most of them!”
“Really? And how would you know? None of your friends are in relationships. You don’t see your siblings enough to see their relationships. You're not seeing clearly, Tess. No boyfriend is okay with their girlfriend having guy friends they see alone.”
Maybe he’s right. I don’t really know anything about this.
“Fine! You want to be right? You can be! It doesn’t change that you treated me like crap in front of everyone we know! At least let me have that!” Tessa screams at him once she realizes her mistake.
“You’re right about that. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I didn’t understand that you didn’t really notice how I felt. Now that you do, I’m sure you’ll understand not to do it again.”
“What do you mean, Colin? Not talk to other guys at all? I have to study with people! That’s why I’m here, ya know? For an education. Not that you’d get that, Mr. Pureblood Heir! I’ve spent years searching for the best study partners, you know that.”
“I know, Tessa. Just don’t study with them alone, okay? For me?” Colin’s pleading look is enough to get Tessa to give in. She reaches over and finally takes his hand in hers.
“...Okay. Sure.”
Colin pulls her hand up to his mouth and lays a kiss on her hand. It’s sweet in theory, but to Tessa it stings.
How did I end up back here? What’s wrong with me?
“I have to go. I am meeting with Pandora in a couple minutes. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Tessa pulls her hand back and looks away ashamed.
“Of course, baby.” Colin says with a look of victory.
Tessa kisses his cheek and leaves the common room behind. Something about the whole interaction doesn’t feel right, but she can’t seem to care anymore. Pandora is waiting for her, and she isn’t going to miss out on that to deal with some boy.
***
A week later, Tessa was sitting in the stands of the quidditch pitch with her friends watching the match between Hufflepuff and Slytherin. Reg and Colin are both on the Slytherin team, so Tessa often finds herself amidst the Slytherin students when they play.
The match is only a couple minutes in when Tessa notices something wrong.
The predictions she had finalized that morning were matching perfectly with the Hufflepuff team’s performance. Every play that the captain called was already called on Tessa’s hidden parchment.
But for the Slytherin team? Something was off. They were too good. They had always been good, but not like this. Even Tessa, who had multiple friends on the team, knew that they weren’t the best at Hogwarts. And yet, they were demolishing the Hufflepuff team in scores.
The worst part? Her boyfriend was the reason they were doing so good. He had always been a decent player, that’s why he was captain. He wasn’t, however, this good. She felt horrible watching him play so well and hating it.
Why is he scoring so much?
Every Slytherin goal makes her more angry. She was really hoping for another perfect prediction. She had two under her belt at this point, and a third means less likelihood she’s just getting lucky. A third that would apparently not be happening today.
Colin is zipping around the field with the confidence of a professional, and backing it up with score after score. It’s infuriating.
She is finally put out of her misery when Regulus catches the damn snitch. She watches him dive for it, and grab it out of the air like it’s easy. The relieved slump in her shoulder is only proof how selfish she is.
At least she got Regulus’ quidditch genius right.
When the commentator calls the match, she checks the time to see if she predicted the length of the match down to the minute. How could she be so accurate on the match time and miss the mark so much on the score?
As she rises from her seat to go congratulate her friends, the air of failure must be radiating off of her.
What did I do wrong? Is the chorus of her thoughts the rest of the week.
***
The rest of the month Tessa is basically fused to her quill. If she were one of those perfectly preserved bodies that is found centuries later, the scientists would wonder why she had a weirdly shaped eleventh finger. Every professor decided now was the time to start preparing their sixth years for how NEWT years were going to go. Tessa did not appreciate the preparation one bit.
As the month’s end approaches, it becomes very clear she can no longer do it alone. So here she is approaching the Gryffidor table, something she always tried to avoid, in search of her go to study partner.
When she reaches the table, she flicks Remus across the back of the head to alert him of her presence. He doesn’t even turn around to see who it is before speaking.
“Oh, hey Tess. What’re you over here for?”
“You. I’m in desperate need of a brilliant mind to bounce off of.”
“If you’re in need of a brilliant mind, I can help with that.” Sirius interjects from across the table.
“No. I need Remus,” is all she says in response.
“Are you sure? I have generations of brilliant wizards in my bloodline.”
“If I wanted that particular kind of brilliance I would ask your brother. Much more tolerable with the same result. Besides, I need Remus specifically. His mind works on the exact level that I need.”
“Am I just a brain to you? What ever happened to friendship, Tess?”
“I still have on my blue tie right? Should’ve known we were just casual Lupin.” Tessa jokes.
Remus laughs as Tessa looks down, as if to check her uniform to make sure it shows the right colors.
“Usual spot in the library tonight?”
“Perfect.” Tessa begins to walk away before she remembers why she had been studying alone. “Oh, and bring a friend.”
“I’m a fr—” Sirius starts.
“A smart one.” Tessa says, interrupting Sirius before he can ask to join. She needs Remus to focus, and that won’t be happening if Sirius is even in the same room.
She walks out of the great hall eager to get to work.
***
Tessa groans as she flips the page of her book. She simply cannot understand how her professors thought that making an answer impossible to find would encourage learning. She reaches the end of the chapter for the third time with no sign of what she needs, and drops her head onto the book in frustration.
“Looks like I’ve got catching up to do, I’m nowhere near an academic crisis yet.” Remus speaks from above her.
“Must be nice, I live in a constant state of academic crisis.”
“Damn, so that’s how you always beat me.” A female voice declares.
She slowly lifts her head, praying she misheard. But no, standing next to Remus is none other than Lily Evans. You know, one of these days something good will happen to me.
“Lily…hi.” Tessa says in a hesitant tone that causes Remus to narrow his eyes at her.
“Hiya, Tessa. Hope you don’t mind me crashing your study session, I overheard you in the Great Hall and begged Remus to let me come. I’ve been trying to get a Ravenclaw study partner for years!” Lily cheerily speaks, taking the seat across from Tessa and spreading her books out in the empty space.
Tessa watches her as she does it, unsure if she’s hallucinating. Surely, Lily wouldn’t just act like nothing had happened.
Her and Lily never talked about what happened at the Potter’s party. Tessa had finished sobbing and Lily smiled at her before getting up and returning to the party without a word. Just the underlying understanding of girlhood to fill the silence.
In her more pensive days, Tessa might think it poetic. This is not one of those days.
Today, she only feels anxious as she waits for Lily to ask about that night. If the situation were reversed, Tessa would want to know why. No one comforts someone they don’t know just for the hell of it.
But as the minutes pass, and they start to study, it nevers comes up. Lily acts like she hasn’t seen the raw wounds on Tessa’s heart, and Tessa pretends she doesn’t have any in the first place. And despite all the pretending, the three of them are a well oiled machine of academia.
“Who in the fucking hell assigns a damn essay like this.” Remus says with frustration as they reach the more complex topics.
“Language, Remus.” Lily bites out in an authoritative tone.
“Yeah, Rem. Clean up your fucking shitty words.” Tessa adds dryly.
“How the two of you manage to stay on the good side of your professors is beyond me.” Lily scolds.
“Well, you see, that isn’t the goal. The goal is to be so damn smart that they can’t help but reward you for it. If there’s any room for question, I’ve failed.” Tessa explains as she continues to flip through her book. It’s not uncommon to think this way with her friends, so she is a little surprised when she isn’t met with agreement.
“That’s…intense.” Lily whispers.
Tessa looks up from her book to find the two Gryffidors staring at her curiously.
“Why so shocked little lions?” She teases.
“Do you really believe that? But, when do you have time for life?” Lily asks.
Tessa laughs at the sentiment. It’s really something hearing their year’s resident perfect student say those words. “This is my life. Education is everything. Wisdom is everything. Without it I’m stuck being the most simple version of myself. Why would I waste my life on that?”
“So, what? No friends or fun?” Lily questions.
“Studying is fun. To me, it’s a game of me versus what professors think I can’t do. Besides, I have plenty of friends. And almost all of them think the same. If we don’t foster our minds, then what’s the point of it all? I can spend time with people and perform at my full potential academically. Time is the only thing that’s truly finite. If you waste it, you waste yourself.” Tessa rambles on. The hours of studying have loosened her up, and she has lost the energy to stop herself.
“So…friends are just study partners to you? Tessa, that’s kind of sad. Is that why you asked Remus to bring someone to join you?” Lily asks with a sympathetic look that makes Tessa want to tell her to leave. Even if it means Colin would flip out.
“Oh heavens no. I am grateful for your presence here Lily, but I asked that because I’m not allowed to hang out with guys alone. And don’t worry, just because we are Ravenclaws doesn't mean that me and my friends don’t do stuff outside school. We are full of art and poetry and love. Also some mischief, but I advise you not to worry about that one. You’ll never outsmart us.” Tessa explains returning to her books. But she doesn’t even get to the end of the next paragraph before Remus bolts up from his seat.
The chair he was sitting in falls over, but he doesn't seem to notice. He hurriedly starts rummaging through his things. When he locates what looks like a blank piece of parchment, he hides it in his robe and starts taking a stride away from the table. He is only stopped when Lily reaches out and snatches his wrist to keep him from going any further.
“Remus, if you are leaving to participate in another one of those stupid pranks, I swear I will have your head. The boys can wait.” Lily scolds. Remus doesn’t even seem to register her words, just tries to free his wrist. Lily, however, is freakishly strong when it comes to reigning in her friend. “Remus! Look at me, you idiot. Where are you going?”
Remus finally turns and Tessa sees the look in his eyes. No one looks like that if they are headed to have fun with their best friends. He looks… murderous. It isn’t until he speaks that Tessa realizes why.
“Now allowed, Tessa?!? Who the fuck is telling you what you are allowed to do?! Huh? Don’t worry, you don’t need to answer. I know exactly who the little shit is. Best say your last words to your boyfriend Tess, because he’s about to learn what happens when he speaks to you like that!” Remus rants, raising his voice more and more as he goes on.
“Remus…just sit down, okay?” Tessa pleads, hoping none of Colin’s friends are nearby.
Remus breathes deeply, closing his eyes to regain his usual calm, but it doesn’t help. When he opens his eyes again, he looks just as mad.
Look Tessa, you’ve managed to make someone else mad! Congratulations!
Lily manages to pull on his wrist hard enough to get him back near his seat. He pulls the seat up to its correct position, and hesitantly sits. The look he is giving Tessa is all fierce and intense, and something she never expected to see from the reserved boy she met all those years ago.
She meets his eyes in a challenge, practically demanding that he back down and not cause any problems.
“Tessa, please tell me I’ve got it wrong.” He eventually asks in a quiet, hopeful voice.
“I—”
“Fucking hell—”
“But it isn’t what you think!”
“Are you gonna sit here and say that Avery didn’t tell you who you could hang out with?”
“That’s not fair Remus. You know I can’t.”
“Wait, what?! That's horrible, Tessa.” Lily says with a sorry tone.
“It isn’t though. It makes him uncomfortable when I’m alone with single guys. Any guy who is dating someone thinks the exact same. It’s not a big deal.” Tessa explains.
“No! They don’t! Wake up T! Your boyfriend is a fucking loser.” Remus argues.
Tessa gapes at the two of them. No way these two think they know anything about her relationship. Neither of them have ever been sat down by their own family to talk about what an arranged marriage process would look like. Neither of them have ever been told that their purity was more important than their feelings. How could they think they know anything?
Tessa has seen it for years. The other girls at the balls with bruised wrists. The ones that get married and aren’t seen in society ever again. She’s lucky to have Colin. He may not be perfect, but at least she’s more than an object to him.
“Listen, I don’t want to sound like a loser myself, but you don’t really know anything about him. I was hanging out with Regulus alone, and in our circles that means a lot. And I really don’t want to start another fight, so I’ve just been going along with it all.”
“Wait? You know Sirius’ brother? I think every second I spend with you I get more confused.” Lily groans as she presses her fingers at the inner corner of her eyes.
“So what if you were hanging out alone? Tessa, you can’t seriously think this is okay?” Remus continues to argue, refusing to back down.
“So what if I do! Who are you to say what’s okay? You don’t have anyone.” Tessa bursts out.
The look on his face breaks her heart. He doesn’t even look upset by her words. He’s looking at her like she’s completely lost her mind and he is being forced to watch it happen.
Maybe I have lost it.
“How about we just get back to the homework, okay?” Lily says when neither of them speak..
The other two students murmur something of agreement, and get back to their work. The rest of their time in the library is awkward, but they manage to push through and finish their work. When they get up to leave, Tessa and Remus hesitantly give each other a long hug. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but by the time they let go, Tessa knows they’ll be fine. Lily also insists on hugging Tess, but it is much less awkward.
It isn’t until she is back in her dorm and putting her books away, that she sees a piece of parchment sticking out of the side of her DADA book. She pulls it out and sees familiar scribbling addressed to her.
Tessa,
If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. I’m excellent company.
L. Evans