february
February
“Do you want to do something for Valentine’s Day?”
Tessa and Colin had been lounging on the couch of the Slytherin common room most of the day. Tessa was catching up on the book she had been neglecting since classes started picking up, and her boyfriend was kind enough to let her rest her feet in his lap as she did.
“Isn’t half the holiday the surprise of it all?”
“Well, yeah, but I know you have a strong opinion and I don’t want to go through all the work if you’d rather me just plan a date on a boring regular day.’
“Smart man Mr. Avery. I don’t hate the holiday, I guess. I usually just ignore it if I’m honest. I wouldn’t mind the free chocolate and pretty flowers, through,” Tessa smiles and she nudges his chest with her foot.
Smirking back at her, Colin pinches under her knee, causing her to squeal and jump up from her relaxed position on the couch. Tessa always likes this part, being able to let her guard down enough to be silly. It took her a while to get there with Colin, but now that she was, it was so good.
“So, you want all the benefits, but all the cool of saying you don’t care about a romantic holiday?”
“Exactly. I will absolutely sacrifice my beliefs for free stuff.”
“I’d expect nothing less,” Colin says through a smile and warm expression. They stare at each other like the two lovesick teenagers they are, failing to hold back smiles.
They’d been dating since December, but they were involved long before that. Colin Avery was famously the first boy to convince Tessa to join him on the dancefloor the previous summer. A handsome face and daring smile, and Tessa was gone for him. They wrote to each other all summer, and Tessa would allow him a singular dance at any ball they both attended. Once school started, Tessa was sure they would become official. Only Colin got weird and standoffish the minute they returned. Tessa of course ignored him in response, refusing to let him hold anything over her. Until the winter came, and he cornered her at a Slytherin party begging her for one more dance. A short time later, and they were official.
Since the start of term, they’ve been all but perfect. Tessa liked that he didn’t require much of her time or energy. Avery liked that Tessa didn’t care that they didn’t spend all their time together. Not to mention, Tessa’s brother was thrilled that she was showing an interest in a proper pureblood match. Sure, sometimes Tessa forgot that she was even in a relationship on the harder weeks, but that’s exactly how she liked it: easy.
Colin pulls her out of her thoughts when he grabs her arm and hauls her into his lap. Looking up at her with a smirk and those dangerous bad boy eyes. It took Tessa all but five seconds to fold and kiss him. The book she had been reading was forgotten on the couch, not to be remembered until they broke for air an hour later.
***
When Tessa was five years old, her family took her to see her first professional quidditch match. Her brother was still a baby, so they sat in a private box where her mom could soothe him away from the crowd. When the match started, Tessa and her siblings all rushed to the rail to watch the match. She stood between Cassidy and Dean, back when they were too young to hate each other, and they would lean down every couple minutes to explain the rules of the game. With every new rule, Tessa’s heart beat faster and her brain grew fonder. By the end of the match, Tessa was the only one of her siblings besides Cassidy still standing at the rail. When the match was called, Cassidy leaned down one last time and said, “Feels like falling in love, doesn’t it?”
Now, eleven years older, Tessa still gets the same feeling every time she watches a quidditch match. Sometimes she regrets not trying out for her house team when she got good enough, but then she remembers the screaming. That night at dinner, Tessa had asked her sister if she thought she was good enough to make the team. Cassidy, clearly ecstatic, had imparted all her wisdom right there at the dinner table. It wasn’t until dinner had finished, and Tessa was in bed that she heard the raised voices. Her room was directly upstairs from Cassidy’s, and she heard every word as Dean screamed at her for trying to corrupt their baby sister. It had been that same week that Cassidy had told the family that she was dating her teammate, another girl, and Dean had lost it. All Tessa really remembers from that night was trying her best to get a squirming Graham to sit still so she could cover his ears. Playing quidditch wasn’t as important after that. She tries not to dwell on the what ifs, and just focuses on how much she loves the game. Even if it has to be from the crowd.
Ravenclaw was playing today, so she got up early with Willow to do their traditional warm up in the common room. It was a strange mix between yoga and ballet, but Willow loved to do relaxing exercise before a match to calm her nerves and warm up all at once.
As they were going through their routine, Tessa fought against the guilt she felt before every Ravenclaw match. She knew she could help Willow win. In fact, she could make her the highest scoring chaser in all of Hogwarts with just a few changes to her calculations, but she knew her secrecy was more important. When they finished their warm up, they went off to breakfast. This early in the morning, there were only a few students already eating. The Ravenclaw table housed only a couple seventh years, so the girls made their way over to the Slytherin table instead.
Regulus was the year below them, as were Barty and Evan, but Dorcas was in their year so the three girls started discussing the absolutely nasty essay that had all been assigned for the weekend the second they sat down.
“Are you going to include us in the conversation anytime soon?” Barty questioned only a few minutes later.
“Maybe if your voice wasn’t so annoying,” Willow countered. Immediately, the two started in on each other. They had been doing this since the first time they met. Willow had said something about Barty’s hair, then Barty shot back with something about her shoes, and they’d just kept going until their friends pulled them away. Ever since, anytime they are in the same room, the insults start flying. As they pick at their food, the rest of them just turn and ignore the battle waging next to them. They were all much too accustomed to their madness anyway. At least Willow would be too distracted to entertain her usual pre-match nerves.
“How long do you think they’ll go for this morning?” Regulus questions from behind his mug of coffee.
“Could be hours…” Dorcas offers.
“Oh no, Willow is playing today. Even if it means I have to drag her away from Crouch myself. Ravenclaw needs a win this season.”
“Maybe if your seeker wasn’t such an idiot, you wouldn’t need one so badly,” offers the Slytherin seeker.
“Oh shut it Reg, it’s her first season. Plus, we can’t all have the most brilliant seeker Hogwarts has ever seen.”
He smirks and offers, “It’d be nice to have some competition though.”
They eat the rest of their breakfast in somewhat silence. Once they finish eating, Tessa drags Willow up by her elbow and directs her away from the table, declaring it time to worry about quidditch. Sonn they arrive at the pitch, and Willow heads off to the changing rooms as Tessa starts up the stairs to snag the best spot.
Once she sits, Tessa pulls out her predictions for the game. She reviews her calculations for accuracy one for time, and memorizes what she predicted last night when she ran her equations with the Ravenclaw team’s statistics. She really needs to get this one right.
“I hate how early you get here,” Evelyn groans as she takes the seat next to her, laying her head on Tessa’s shoulder. Soon to be asleep, no doubt.
“I think she claims to train with Willow just so she doesn’t have to wake you up before lunch,” Pandora counters as she settles on Tessa’s other side.
“You’ve caught me. I actually hate quidditch,” Tessa taunts.
“For someone who is usually exemplary at lying, even a fool wouldn’t believe that one coming from your mouth.”
The three of them settle in for the match, ready to cheer on their best friend. Ravenclaw is playing Hufflepuff, meaning the game will be intense, but sportsmanlike. Ravenclaw versus Hufflepuff usually shapes up to be the longest match of the season each year because they actually like each other. Once the match starts, Tessa is immediately on her feet: screaming as if the players could hear her and groaning when they don’t follow her advice. Willow, the team’s oldest chaser, has scored more goals than Tessa has ever seen a player score in a single game since she came to Hogwarts. The guilt Tessa felt earlier from not helping her friend completely dissipates: Willow never needed her help.
When the game reaches the end of the first hour, the crowd starts to lose its momentum. Hogwarts matches usually end before the hour, but the snitch has yet to be caught as the second hour ticks on. Tessa scans the pitch, hoping to spot the Hufflepuff seeker. Ravenclaw is ahead in points, and so far ahead that even the snitch could not secure Hufflepuff a win. She spots Hufflepuff’s captain and seeker stalled near the edge of the match, likely discussing if it is worth keeping the match going. Tessa catches herself leaning forward, as if she could hear their strategy talk from the crowd. A couple seconds later, the Hufflepuff seeker shoots off in the other direction. When he finally gets a hold of the snitch, undoubtably by his captain’s command, the Ravenclaw stands erupt in cheers. It’s their first win of the season, and Tessa can’t help but laugh at the fact that their seeker still didn’t catch the snitch on this one. Perhaps Reg was right about her.
It doesn’t matter how many years pass, or how many matches she sees, Tessa still feels that same feeling she did at that very first match. Like falling in love.
***
It isn’t until a couple weeks later that Tessa is finally dragged to a party. She had run out of excuses last term, and she didn’t want to be a bad friend or girlfriend, so she reluctantly agreed to attend the Slytherin party.
The second Tessa and her roommates walk into the Slytherin common room, a hand grabs her wrist and drags her to the side. Panic boils up inside her, and Tessa pulls back to slap the offender: just like Simon had taught her years ago after she started getting bullied by one of her older housemates. As her hand goes to meet their face, it isn't’ their nose that she hits, but their hand. Colin smirks at her, proud to have deflected her attack with a high five.
“Colin! Why would you do that, you prat?!”
“It’s all in good fun baby. Snape told me that the only reason you would agree to date me is because you’re too shy to say no, and then I told him you weren’t shy at all. No one believed me, so I thought I’d show them just how not shy you are,” Colin explains through a laugh, clearly already a bit tipsy. Tessa peeks around her boyfriend to see a clan of Slytherins watching the scene play out. God, she hated those guys. She thinks she can remember a time each and every one of them had made a pass at her during one of those balls she was dragged to. They want a show? She can give a show.
Tessa rises to her full height, looking Colin straight in the eyes. “Colin, baby, did you forget I know how to perform a castration?” A sweet smile playing on her lips, just as it would if she were flirting. “Best not to forget that again,” she adds, punctuating her sentence with a whack across his head.
When Colin had recovered from the attack, he stood smirking at her. It was the expression that always made Tessa want to kiss his face off. In fact, she thinks she will. She grabs the tie that’s loose around his neck and pulls him close to her face, meeting him in a kiss sizzling with the lingerings of irritation. Once they break, she spins on her heels, eager to get away from his friends.
As she turns, she comes face to face with just the person she wanted to see.
“My lady, care to join me for a cigarette?” Regulus asks as he extends his arm in a perfect formal greeting. Tessa giggles at the formality. Only the black brothers could make a perfect gesture laced with the training of royalty seem funny.
Taking his arm in a less than graceful way, Tessa responds, “Lead the way my lord.”
It isn’t until days later that Tessa realizes she called another man her lord in front of her own boyfriends. Another interaction of the endless list of reasons she will never be the perfect pureblood bride her brother is trying to make her. The two introverts make their way to a secluded corner of the common room next to a window. “Premium smoking spot Reg, much better than your brother ever managed,” Tessa points out.
“Well my brother is an idiot. A problem I’ve never had.”
“Obviously.”
Regulus is one of the only people Tessa has never been able to figure out. He narrowly shows emotion, is obscenely rude to everyone he meets, and still manages to make her laugh every time they interact. Which is why it comes as a shock to Tessa when he asks something else,“Do you…ya know, talk to him much?”
“Sirius? No,” Tessa sighs. “I mean, not really. I’ve seen him twice this term and that’s about all I can manage without drawing too much attention. Plus, I hate his best friend.”
“Lupin? I thought you two were rather close?”
“Oh we are. I mean the other one.”
“Ah, the surrogate brother,” Regulus suggests through a smirk, lighting his cigarette. Tessa thinks she detects a bit of hurt in his eyes, but knows better than to assume. Sure, they had always been friendly, growing up in the same circles. She has vague memories of a little boy that would follow Sirius around like a shadow. As they got older, Regulus followed Sirius less and less. By the time Tessa and Sirius had found each other on that abandoned balcony, Regulus had gone and filled the shoes of the perfect pureblood son. It wasn’t until last year, when Pandora brought them to a party not so different from this one, that she saw him again. They were both so desperate to avoid talking to other people that they latched onto each other in awkward conversation. Now, every time Tessa is convinced to attend another party, she slinks away to a secluded corner with Reg as soon as possible.
“Sure, but I prefer to call him hothead in my more vivid revenge dreams,” Tessa says as she reaches out to pull a cigarette from the pack and light it. Feeling braver now that they were out of sight, she adds, “He called me a bigot.”
“Oh, Potter.”
Tessa hums in response, ignoring the hurt that bubbles in her chest.
“What reason could he possibly have to call you a bigot? Your friends with every queer person I know, and have never even looked at a muggleborn wrong. Unless you are just really good at hiding it, I could never see you treating someone wrong because of who they are.”
“Ah, well you’ve met my brother. It’s not unheard of for someone in my family. Even when I was really young, he used to scream at me for saying the wrong things. If I remember correctly, one time I asked if your uncle was gay and he lost it. I had never been so scared in my life. I remember thinking that if he hit me, I wouldn’t be surprised. After getting yelled at enough times, I guess I just learned to exclude certain words from my vocabulary. Especially around people I don’t know. A couple weeks ago, I was acting a little skittish around the word gay when I was telling the story about that time I kissed Remus, and Potter just kind of ran with it. Assumed I must be homophobic or something because of that. I haven't even talked to your brother since then.”
“Well, Potter’s an idiot too. It’s why they are such good friends,” Regulus offers through the thin cloud of smoke. “Even if he is so fucking hot.”
“Tell me about it.” The two of them erupt into laughter over their mutual distress. “Got a crush, do you Reg?”
There’s no hesitation when Regulus adds, “Oh yeah. Every time I see him, all I can think is that… I think I’d let him eat me. Ya know, if he was into that.”
“That’s… really disloyal Reg,” she says with fake hurt in her tone. “I mean, come on! I just told you what he said and you are thinking about how you want him to do nasty things to you?!”
“He’s that hot.”
Tessa slumps against the wall and groans, “Aren’t you like 15? Who corrupted such an innocent little baby,” she says as she leans over and tries to pinch his cheeks.
Regulus groans and swats her away, “Unfortunately. Don’t worry though, I’m playing the long game.”
“Oh? Are you gonna make him yours, then?”
“Gross, no. I just want to hook up with him. I’d never date Jame Potter. I have a feeling it wouldn’t work out when I informed him I have to marry whoever my parents arrange for me.”
“Yeah, he does seem like the jealous type.”
The two of them erupt into laughter again, relaxed by the cigarettes and easy company. They spend the rest of the party chatting on the floor and watching their friends go crazy under the influence of way too much alcohol. When the party starts the wind down, and Tessa is getting ready to leave, she remembers the whole reason she came to this party in the first place. Your boyfriend, you idiot. She quickly dismisses the guilt that starts to arise, telling herself it was just because she was having such a good time with Reg that she managed to forget her boyfriend. Dreading the response she’ll get, she rises from the floor and goes on her search for Colin.
***
February 20, 1977
Tessa,
I hope this letter finds you well. I have just heard word from Cassidy that she is intending on having a wedding this summer for her and her “girlfriend” Becca. Why she insists on holding this party for a marriage that is not only illegal, but simply wrong in all ways, I will never understand. I thought it best I write to you immediately.
Informing you of how to act regarding this deviance is extremely important, and I insist you do exactly as I say. You will attend the ceremony with myself and my family as a sign of familial unity. You will invite Colin Avery as your date, and he shall escort you. We must continue to show everyone that our family has not completely lost hope. Any other actions could be seen as support, and that must be avoided.
I will speak to you again should anything else arise. Remember, I am your brother and I only want what’s best for you.
With love,
Dean Cole
***
On the last day of February, Tessa is walking the corridors when she hears Sirius calling her name. She stops and turns, spotting Sirius waving from down the hall.
“Hold up, will you?” He yells down the corridor, disregarding all the other students.
Tessa moves to stand near the wall to wait for him, curious as to what he could have to say to her that is so urgent. When he finally reaches her, he tilts his head to indicate she can keep walking while he speaks to her, and they begin their trek to Ravenclaw tower.
“What’s up, Black?”
“I uhh wanted to ask you something…”
“Finally decide you want to try in school, did you?”
Sirius gives a half hearted laugh, “You know me well enough to know I don’t need to. It has nothing to do with school actually. It’s about…It’s about Reggie.”
Tessa’s eyes widen in shock, not expecting the conversation to turn towards the one person you won’t bring up around Sirius. “What about him?”
“Is he…doing okay? Ya know, since I left?”
Ah, so that’s what this is about. “Truthfully, I don’t know. I talked to him once and he seemed okay, but you know Reg. He’s never shared his true feelings about anything his entire life. I wouldn’t know him okay from him not okay. That’s not the kind of friends we are. However, he did ask about you. Which tells me he is okay enough about it to not let it show. I made sure to tell him you were annoying as ever, he called you an idiot, and that was it. We mostly just smoked and talked about hot guys after that.”
“Sounds like Reggie,” Sirius chuckles as he rubs at the back of his neck, as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “I’m glad he’s okay. At least I think I am…”
This is a feeling Tessa is not a stranger to. She often catches herself wondering if a little misfortune would do her siblings some good. They’ve spent so many years at each other's throats, and dragging the rest of them into it, she shamefully wants them to feel as bad as she does about it. She sees that in Sirius whenever Reg is brought up, loving them enough to want the best and hating them enough to want the opposite at the same time.
“What did you really want to ask Sirius? I know that wasn’t all.”
“Always did see right through me, Tess. It’s just that… well, you know Reggie and I didn’t really get along towards the end. But, I still looked after him, ya know? Stuff he wasn’t aware of. Now, he’s got no one really looking out for him. I just… would you keep an eye on him? At the balls and stuff? Easter hols are soon, and you know there’s always a bunch of parties and stuff. He hates those things, but always pretends to enjoy it for Mother and Father. I just think he could use someone he didn’t have to pretend with.”
At this, Tessa takes a second to take Sirius in. He’s nervous, that’s for sure. His eyes are downcast and avoiding hers, which means that he’s also hiding how upset he is. She knows she will never be able to understand what it’s like for him, but she does know what it’s like to have younger brothers. If Ben or Graham were in Regulus’ situation? She’d never be able to handle it. Protecting them from all the fighting between Dean and Cass is hard enough, but the Blacks? I mean, everyone knows they hurt their kids. If she can provide just a little peace for Sirius? It’s not even a question if she will agree or not.
“Of course I will. I’d look out for him even if you didn’t ask. But you should know it’s not necessary. Even if Reg wasn’t the strongest person I know, his best friends are undyingly loyal to him. Plus, he’s already mastered the art of finding a secret smoke spot for us. Much better than you ever were.”
“He was always the smart one,” Sirius murmurs, staring a hole into the floor.
“Sirius, look at me.” Tessa stops them once they are away from any other students, turning to face the boy next to her. Sirius lifts his head, shamefully revealing his watery eyes like a deep dark secret. “He’ll be just fine. I’ll make sure of it.”
Sirius nods enthusiastically, as if he’s trying to convince himself. Tessa pulls together a smile, and grabs Sirius’ upper arms in a sign of comradery. Their eyes meet, saying things they would never dream of speaking out loud. Just two older siblings who would do anything for their brothers, meeting in glances of agreement and understanding. It’s really quite beautiful. To understand someone you really don’t know at all.