january
January
“You have got to be kidding me. There is no way you got taller over the break! It was only a couple weeks!”
“Sorry Tess, I’d rather prefer to stop, but it can’t be helped. The growing pains are a fucking menace if its any consilation” Remus offered as he lowered himself into the chair across from her.
“I rather hate you for it. My height is my only intimidation factor. How am I supposed to threaten you when I have to tilt my head back to even see you. I mean, seriously, how do you even know what anyone looks like besides the top of their head anyway?”
“I have bad enough posture to make up for it. Besides, I’m intimidated by you anyway, you don’t need to tower over me to accomplish that. I’m being honest about the growing pains too. This world is a cruel place to put two burdens on my knees, and don’t even mention the hips” Remus groans, throwing his head back. “It rather makes it hard to kiss the cute boys too, I’d say.”
Tess laughs at his bluntness. A year ago, he would have never been so open about silly stuff like that with her, and she’s rather grateful to have earned the privilege. Even if she is about to lose it for the sake of a joke.
“I thought Sirius was rather tall, no? Shouldn’t be all that difficult.” The blush that creeps onto Remus’ cheeks is sweet. Tessa learned that there was only one word that ever made Remus go all soft and sweet, and it was the name of a rebellious boy with zero clue of the power he held.
“You’re mean, you know that? How you manage to keep any friends is a mystery to me.” Tessa smiles at this, knowing it’s all in good fun. But, she wonders the same thing most days. There were really very few reasons she could think of for anyone to want to keep her around as a friend. Besides the homework help that is.
Remus begins to pull out his books while Tessa gets back to the project she was working on. Her hand was covered in ink, and it made her miss the muggle pens she was allowed to use at home. Why the rest of her fellow wizards can’t catch up to the muggles she will never understand. “Still working on your super secret project then, T?”
Tessa nods while trying to make sense of the scribbling covering her parchment. “It won’t be a secret much longer if I can figure out this last set. I just can’t seem to find any basic descriptors in any books.”
“If you would just tell me what it is then I might be able to help ya know. I was second, only to you of course, in OWLs last year.”
“It has nothing to do with you Remus. Just my pride if I'm quite honest.”
“Your fatal flaw I think.”
“‘Does the fatal flaw exist outside literature?’” Tessa jests.
“Ugh, do not quote that book to me T. I might lose it right here at this table, and you’ll have to pick me up and carry me to my dorm.”
“Nothing quite like a tragic story to ruin your night.”
Remus hums in response. Not moving from where he dropped his forehead on the table in distress. It isn’t until Tessa speaks a couple minutes later that she becomes sure he isn’t asleep. Something not too uncommon for the young werewolf. “Actually you might be able to help me with–”
“Moony! There you are!” A voice exclaims behind her. She knew exactly who it was, and a smirk played on her lips as a response. “Oh, and my favorite Cole is here too,” Sirius speaks as he slides into the seat next to her. Tessa takes a second to take him in. They haven't spoken since the previous year when they ran into each other on the balcony of his family’s manor trying to escape the crowd for a smoke. He looked horrible. I mean, as horrible as a Black could look, they were all unfairly attractive for the amount of inbreeding that goes on in their house. Sirius looked as beautiful as ever, but with a haunting quality she had yet to see in him. It was the long scar peeking out from under the rolled up sleeve of his left forearm that clued Tessa in. He had left home.
“Moony, I know you aren’t sleeping! I can tell by the way you’re breathing that you’re faking it. Come on, look at me! I have news!” Remus slowly lifts his head, obviously distressed that his long-time crush knows what he sounds like when he’s sleeping. Tessa does all she can do to suppress a laugh. At this rate, the two will still be pining after each other when they are old and gray.
“Yes, Pads? What is so important you must interrupt my distress?”
Sirius whips his head to the side to stare Tessa in the face, faking anger. “The Secret History again?! Come on Tess you can’t take Moony out of commission so soon this term, we need him to take over the school! He’s our brain!” The laugh escapes from Tessa’s chest at Sirius’ outburst.
“Oh please, Remus doesn’t need me to put himself into a state of distress over fictional characters, you know that.”
Remus only responds by abruptly standing and murmuring something under his breath that Tessa assumes is something along the lines of “I hate you both.” Sirius stands with Remus, only to sit back down when he realizes he had no reason to stand at all. For someone from one of the most gifted wizarding families, common sense was not his strong suit. “Wait, where are you going Rem? I have news, if you recall.”
“Have to go meet Poppy and tell her how the break went. You can tell me your news at dinner, alright?” Remus continues walking out the door, obviously distracted all of a sudden. Tessa tends to analyze her friends a lot, but she decides to let Remus be with this one and remain voluntarily unaware. She would never be able to fully understand what he was going through anyway.
“So, how are the endless siblings Cole?”Sirius leans back and settles into the chair again, obviously not planning to leave Tessa to her work.
“Fine, I guess. Dean is being an ass as usual, only slightly less since I’m dating a worthy partner now. Disgusting is what it is. And of course that means Cassidy won’t talk to him because she thinks he is ruining the family by pressuring me into a proper match. The rest of us just sit and watch. Oh! Get this! Graham picked up saying “piss off” from all the arguments at family dinners and refuses to say anything else!”
“I always knew he was my favorite.”
“Mine too.”
“And this project you’re working on?”
“Sirius…darling, we aren’t friends, why are you asking so many questions?”
“Well, I thought we were!” Sirius exclaims through a laugh. “Or at least something akin to it. Plus, I don’t— since you— well I guess…”
“...you don’t think you’ll get to speak to me anymore now that you’re uninvited to all things pureblood?” Tessa raises her eyebrows, challenging Sirius to reveal why he really stayed to talk to her. She knows if she pushes too hard he will try to convince her to stop attending as well, and she would if it were her choice, but she rather prefers when her brother has no reason to speak to her at all, really.
“You know. Of course you already know.” Sirius deflates, either from disappointment or lack of needing to keep face anymore, Tessa isn’t sure. “News travels fast I guess.”
“Don’t fret Black, I didn’t find out through the gossip train if that’s what you think. It was your arm actually. Your parents would never let something mess up the sacred canvas of the dark mark unless they were sure you would never take it all. And I know your parents, they wouldn’t completely give up until you were on your way out the door.” Sirius looks down, hearing Tessa, but probably wishing he didn’t. No matter the intent, those words were ones he had heard before. He drew in a long breath and looked Tessa straight in the face.
“They gave me this scar, actually. Just a few weeks ago when they– well, when they tortured me. No need to pretend it was anything else anymore. Not with you, anyway.” Tessa’s chest hurt. It didn’t matter how different their families were, they had always found company in each other in the hidden places of whatever manor the pureblood society had decided to gather in on that day. She had always known it was really bad, of course she had, but that didn’t make her hurt any less for the boy.
“I’m sorry they hurt you, Sirius. But I’m not as sorry as I should be if I’m honest. It was time you got out of that place, however horrible it had to be to convince you.” Sirius gave it a couple seconds, staring right into her with those sad eyes, before he hid his face again. Tessa knew it meant a lot coming from someone on the inside though. Most of them didn’t understand why he would leave. “Plus, don’t fret about seeing me again Black, you forget I’m a double agent. Now that you’re an official Potter, I’ll be seeing you at a different kind of dreadful party.” Tessa declares as she is gathering her books, hating that she didn't get anything done before she has to meet her friends for dinner.
Laughing at the face of distress Tessa made having to speak the word party, Sirius offers, “This time I get to pick the smoke spot. Last time I nearly froze to death.”
Tessa smiles, all her things finally gathered in her arms. Just as she is about to turn and leave, she gives one last remark to the boy she used to meet on dark rooftops, “You’re a wizard Sirius, could’ve used a warming charm.” Turning towards the library exit, Tessa takes a couple steps before remembering herself, “And, Sirius? I’m really happy for you.”
The last thing she sees before turning around is the ghost of a smile on the boy’s face and glassy eyes to match it. It hits her that it might be the last time she ever speaks to him. She knows that once Sirius gets a taste of being a Potter, he won’t leave James’ side at any and every event where they may both be in attendance. Tessa doesn’t have anything against James. She knows pretty much nothing about him to begin with anyway. However, knowing that his family took Sirius in makes him worthy of a positive impression in her mind. Even if it means she may never have a haunted boy with black hair find her and demand she let him smoke with her because everyone else makes him want to tear his own hair out.
She may never have considered Sirius a real friend, more like an acquaintance of convenience, but it isn’t until she is walking away that realizes how she’s even more alone than before. A thought that usually brings her comfort, better if there’s no one there to perceive her. And yet, Sirius was different. Maybe it was because he was the closest to ever understanding what she really goes through, living two lives. The Gryffindor pureblood heir and the double agent, it was quite a show. But now he’s just the Gryffindor boy, with two loving parents and a golden boy Quidditch captain for a brother. The curtain has truly closed, and Tessa realizes for the first time in her life she isn’t comforted by the invisibility.
***
Opening the door to her dorm, Tessa practically sprints to her bed to dump the weight of her books onto it. It isn’t until she has pulled at the neck of her tie and slumped onto the one corner of her bed not covered in books or parchment that she sees her roommates standing on a bed and staring at the ceiling.
“Do I even want to know what the three of you have managed to do to the ceiling?” Tessa examines the ceiling, not catching on to what her friends have done.
“I’m going to paint on the ceiling,” Pandora offers. “We are trying to figure out how to get up there.” Tessa wishes she was surprised by this, but her roommates have never accomplished being normal in the years that she has known them. Just the way she likes it.
First year, when Tessa was sorted into Ravenclaw, the only people she knew were two of her older siblings. Her brother and sister (often just referred to as the twins) were kind enough to let her sit with them at the feast, but she knew better than to try and be around them much after that. Her other siblings were otherwise sorted and not accessible for her company anyway. So just like she did at home, she snuck off to her room the second it was acceptable. Only she had forgotten that at Hogwarts it wasn’t just her room.
When she had opened the door she was met with a platinum blonde girl hanging upside down from the top of the bed frame. Tessa had stood there and stared, not really used to socializing with other kids her age (the closest of her siblings were two years older than her). Pandora did the last thing Tessa had ever expected, and did a flip off the bed, landing perfectly on her feet and flourishing the landing like a true gymnast. All she could think to do was clap, and it was from that moment on that Pandora declared they were best friends because no one else appreciated her like Tessa did.
Her other roommates were not as easily warmed to Tessa’s standoffish personality. It wasn’t until a couple months into the first term when Evelyn and Willow caused a rather bad explosion in the dorm, and Tessa cleaned up the mess with a couple flicks of her wand, and the girls came and tackled her in a hug that they became her friends. Since then, the four have been best friends. The other girls had other friends, sure. Tessa, however, was happy with just the three of them as her best friends. No one else had reached that status for her yet.
“I think you should just levitate the paintbrush.” Evelyn sighed.
“I can’t fully connect with the art that way Eve. What’s the point of art if you don’t feel it?” Pandora groaned, falling down onto the mattress in distress.
“I still think that we should all get on each other's shoulders,” Willow smirked, always having the craziest plans. “We can all be connected to the art that way.”
“Don’t mock Low. Dora is obviously very distressed over this. Let’s see—” Tessa took her turn staring at the ceiling. “How about, you paint it on a canvas and then use some kind of modified duplication spell to transfer it to the ceiling. I’m not sure exactly how you might be able to do it, but I’m sure if you ask Reg he will know. He’s that best at modifications, anyway.”
“Genius!” Pandora exclaims, running and engulfing Tessa in a hug that she quickly reciprocates. She hasn’t hugged anyone but her little brother in weeks and it was eating her inside. For someone who went about trying to not interact with people, she would do anything for a hug from someone she liked. “I’m not sure why I even asked these crazies anyway. You’ve always been the one with the solution.”
“Hey! I—”
“What do you—”
“Now now, let’s calm down ladies, we all know that we each have our contribution to the group. Pandora is the dreamer, Evelyn always tells us how it is, and Willow keeps us from becoming completely boring.”
“And you, Tess?”
“Oh, well I thought we already established I was the genius.”
“Ego the size of the lake you have,” Evelyn says through a smirk.
“Well my ego must be fed, shall we head to dinner ladies?”
“Yes!” Willow, their resident athlete who hasn’t missed a meal since she made the quidditch team. “On the way you can tell us how you and Avery became official over break.”
***
It wasn’t until a couple weeks later that Tessa found more time to work on her super secret project. It wasn’t anything special, but Tessa still found herself keeping it a secret from her friends. She wasn’t ashamed of it, in truth she was more proud of this than any of her school accomplishments. It was risky though, and many of her friends were Slytherins and may not look kindly on using muggle techniques for a personal endeavor she’s not being forced into.
When Tessa learned that she would have a day free of other necessary tasks, she got excited to finally spend some time tending to her true passion. The problem was finding somewhere to do it. Her dorm was a no, Pandora was in the midst of painting and she usually talked to herself when she got lost in the art. Tessa would prefer not to go to the library, too much of a risk of someone finding out what she was working on. Just as she was losing hope, she saw Remus approaching from down the hall. This meant Tessa could go to her most favorite study spot.
“Remus! Thank Merlin! I need to use your dorm.”
“Hello to you too. It’s not even time for exams yet, why would you need your serious study spot? Did I forget a paper or something?” Temporary panic swarms the boy’s face.
Tessa smiled, too excited to contain it, “I’m uh, working on the super secret project, and I don’t want anyone to ya know read over my shoulder or something.”
Realization reaches Remus’ face, followed closely by the face Tessa has only seen when he’s plotting. Safe to say, she was terrified. “You can use it. I was headed back there anyway, but I’ll only let you in if you tell me what the project is. It's been months and it's killing me not knowing! Plus, you know my biggest secret so it's only fair,” Remus suggests.
Sighting, Tessa knows she has lost the battle, “Fine, I’ll show you what I have when we get there. Although, you should know that this is not even close to my biggest secret, I’d have to kill you if I ever told you that.”
“I don’t doubt that one bit. I figure your greatest mystery has to be how you manage to find positive feelings towards Avery in a heart as fine as yours.”
“Hey! That is my boyfriend you’re talking about. And I’ll have you know he’s rather lovely to me because I don’t constantly get in fights with him and his friends.”
“How boring…”
“Shut it.”
They are silent the rest of the walk back to Gryffindor tower. Lost in their respective thoughts, it’s something they have been able to do since they became friends in third year. Tessa remembers desperately looking for somewhere quiet to finish her DADA paper, only to run across Remus at her favorite table in the library. She had secretly termed him her nemesis in her head that year for constantly taking her spot, only for it to turn out he thought the same of her. Tessa was so desperate that day, she simply sat down across from him and got straight to work. The silence was so comfortable, they found themselves spending hours together at that table without saying a word. Eventually, they did speak. They became fast friends and have been ever since. They became particularly close last year during first term when Remus seemed to be avoiding his friends entirely. Tessa didn’t pry, but later figured out it was probably something to do with him being a werewolf (something she figured out soon after becoming his friend), and chose not to pry.
When they reached the entrance to the tower, Remus gave the password and led Tessa up to his dorm. They had first studied here after someone else had taken their table and they didn't want to study alone. Now they only used it when absolutely necessary because Tessa tried to avoid his roommates most of the time for fear of them wanting to drag her into their endless circle of friends. The two of them settled onto Remus’ bed next to each other and Tessa pulled out her calculations.
Across the top of the first piece of parchment read Quidditch Prediction Equations? with a ton of numbers and calculations scribbled on the tens of pages following it. She pulled the piece from the back of the stack, and handed the rest to Remus.
“Is this Arithmancy? Why would you keep this a… oh wait, no I see. These right here, that looks like muggle mathematics. What on earth would you need muggle math for?” Remus continues to examine the pages, slowly piecing together some of the concepts. It isn’t until a couple pages later that he finally speaks again, “Hold on, are these Sirius’ quidditch rates?”
“Have those memorized do you?”
“Just answer the question.”
“That page is Sirius. The one after it is his brother, and the next is Potter I think. I don’t exactly remember all of them. I’ve been using a combination of wizard and muggle calculations to try and predict how the quidditch games are going to go for each player. I’ve gotten rather good I think, but I want to be able to use them to suggest certain plays for each team and I haven’t quite made it work just yet.” Tessa looks down to the page of calculations she has from the most recent match.
“This is…kind of genius. I don’t really care for quidditch, but even I can see the brilliance in it. Doing this for your sister, then?
“Cassidy hardly needs my help being a professional and all. But Ben has started showing quite the interest in trying out for the Hufflepuff team next year and I started comparing his stats to the current players. It all kind of followed from there. Been working on it since the summer. I’ve been making steady progress until now, I can’t find stats for how well an average wizard would do in these categories. I’ve gotten so desperate I almost tried to just get my own stats.”
Remus laughs quietly, scanning the different pages in awe. “What do you get out of all of this then?”
Tessa smiles, “What? I can’t do it for the sake of my own family?”
“Sure you can. But you wouldn’t.”
Tessa pauses, unsure if she wants to reveal the truth. She has always loved quidditch, and she really does enjoy dissecting how it plays out. It still doesn’t change how she has always had a small voice that gives her a different motivation. She looks at Remus. She sees his kind eyes and intelligent smirk and knows she can trust him. If anyone can keep a secret, it’s Remus.
“I’ve been thinking… maybe, should a war break out, it could be helpful. I don’t really care too much about sides and honor and all that, but I don’t want my siblings caught up in a battle they won’t win. I figure if I can make it all work for quidditch, war might not be too hard to manipulate.” Silence follows her confession. She never brings up the incoming war to anyone, never knowing what they would go telling her other friends, so this is uncharted territory.
Remus stares with a blank expression, and then a small tilt of his lips Tessa has come to know as pride for his friend. “That’s rather sweet of you. And terrifying, but I’m sure you already knew that.”
“As sweet as it is, it must be a secret. You can’t tell anyone about it. Should it get out, I’ll have to explain why I’m using muggle math and there are a lot of people I love that won’t approve. Top of the list being my brother. Dean will make it out to be that I’m trying to betray our family, and this plan only works if I stay on everyone’s good side. Plus, for now it's only quidditch, nothing more.” Tessa exhales, having started talking so fast in the panic that Remus might suggest she show it to other people.
“Oh heavens no, I’d never show this to anyone. Or tell anyone for that matter. Your genius is only mine to bask in.”
They laugh, falling back into a comfortable silence like they always do. Tessa is still working through her most recent predictors, and Remus dissects what she’s already done so he can suggest improvements. At one point, Tessa slumps into Remus’ chest, tired from the way her eyes strain when she tries to make the numbers work in her favor. Remus throws an arm around the length of her shoulders to pull her close to his chest.
This is something else the two of them just kind of fell into doing. Tessa knew Remus didn’t like her like that, and Remus knew she was too proud to like anyone who wouldn’t like her back. So they would hug and lay together after a rather grueling study session, just as two friends in need of some company. Tessa always thought it helped to bring them both back to the real world, where understanding a topic isn’t the end of everything. By holding onto each other, they remind themselves that there is more to life than the grade, or in this case the right numbers. No one knows they do this, so it isn’t surprising when the door opens that the boy on the other side has a rather shocked reaction.
“Hey Remus, do you have the map— oh, well umm… nevermind I guess.” James Potter stops in the middle of the doorway staring curiously at the two of them lazily relaxing in his friend’s bed. Clearly having no idea what to do, he becomes a statue by the door until Sirius runs straight into his back.
“Prongs, what the hell? Oh… wait, it's Tessa! Move!” Sirius barrels through the doorway, nearly knocking James off his feet in the process, and flings himself onto the bed. “COLE! Wake up! I must update you on how amazing my life is now!”
Tessa groans and turns her head into Remus, “Please shut him up.”
“Wait—” James says, alerting the rest of them he’s still standing in shock. “Remus has a… well a girl, in his bed. Remus you know that’s a girl in your bed, right? A girl that Sirius apparently knows. Sirius, mate, you’re not mad at this?” James stressfully starts messing with his hair, making it stand up in all directions.
“Why would I be mad that Tess is here?”
“Well, because she’s rather cozy with Remus. You usually get uh… well you usually get mad when anyone but our friends touch him.” Tessa feels Remus tense up at this. Tessa turns her head to finally look at the other boys, first meeting Sirius’ excited eyes and then Potter’s curious ones.
Sirius suddenly starts laughing, catching humor somewhere the rest of them must have missed. “James, you surely don’t think—” is all he says before he is consumed by laughter again.
“What is he on about?” James asks, upset at his own confusion.
“Prongs, you surely can’t think these two are together? It’s funny, the thought of it.” Sirius turns towards the other two bodies on the bed and throws himself on top of them, “I’m upset you didn’t tell you were bringing my favorite Cole up here though Remus.”
“I’m only your favorite because I give you cigarettes.”
“Sounds like a good enough reason to me,” Remus laughs out from underneath the weight of his friends.
“Hold on, can someone explain to me what’s going on?” Potter asks, having yet to move from the doorway.
“I think you’re just jealous I have a pretty girl in my bed and you don’t,” Remus jests, causing Sirius to break back into laughter.
“I think he’s rather jealous you have both a pretty girl and a pretty boy in your bed,” Sirius offers.
“I’m not jealous of anyone, stop that. I just can’t seem to figure out how we all got so cool about stuff so quickly. Remus, since when do you cuddle up with random girls in bed?” James asks, starting to look quite distressed. If she had to deal with the two of them going back and forth on their feelings all the time, she would probably be this worried too.
“I’m not a random girl, thank you very much. I happen to be the reason Remus knows he doesn’t like girls. I was his first kiss ya know,” Tessa proudly proclaims.
“You were WHAT?” Sirius yells, jumping up from the bed to stare her down properly. Tessa and Remus look at each other and it’s their turn to break into laughter.
“Now I’m even more confused,” James declares in a defeated tone.
“Remus came to me in a right panic third year, declaring I had to kiss him so he could test a theory. And, I love a good theory, so I agreed. He was a rather good kisser for it being his first, and for being well ya know…”
“Quite gay?” Remus says bluntly.
“Yeah, that.” Tessa says through laugh.
“Afraid to say it are you Tess?” Sirius asks, jokingly.
“Familial training, I guess.”
“Didn’t take you for having bigots for friends Moony.” James says from the corner he is still hiding in. They all turn to find that the irritation previously seen on his face has turned into serious anger. Had he not just insulted Tessa’s entire character, she probably would have found it quite attractive.
“Oh Tess isn’t—” Remus starts, only to be cut off by a scarily calm Tessa.
“It’s fine Remus, I don’t take it personally,” Tessa starts as she slowly gets up from the bed, straightening her tie and narrowing in on Potter with a fierce expression. “I didn’t take you for someone who judges people based on their family, considering who your best friend is. I guess I was wrong. Easy to be when you know absolutely nothing about someone. Something you could do well to learn Potter.” Tessa had reached him by now. He was taller than her, not as tall as Remus, but enough to make her irritated that she had to look up at him. She never backed down from a challenge, though. Especially when it came to her friends.
“I didn’t mean—”
“But you did. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said it, would you? I could stand here and lecture you, but I won’t. I think the knowledge that I don’t like you will be punishment enough. For what it’s worth, I’m sure your best friends will tear into you the minute I leave anyway,” Tessa slicks out her hand in a sign of fake agreement. “It’s nice to meet you Mr. Potter, I’m Tessa Cole. Tell your parents I look forward to the annual Christmas party, Effie always outdoes herself with the desserts.”
The hand James had accepted in a shake is quickly withdrawn, and Tessa is gone before anything else can be said. She shuts the door just in time to miss what Sirius yelled, only the sounds of his unmistakable raised voice through the closed door. Tessa storms down the stairs, and straight out through the common room. She ignores the questioning murmurs as she passes through. She just wants out.
When she is on the other side of the painting, she turns down the shortcut to Ravenclaw tower, walking faster than ever back to her dorm. When she finally gets back to her dorm, she slams the door behind her and screams into her hands. Ignoring her friends’ questions, she draws the curtains on her bed once she tumbles in, throwing up charms to keep out any voices. Wanting anything but conversation after the past hour.
Then another groan escapes her upon the realization that she just lost her favorite study spot.