Did all boys feel alone?
The day that Sirius left, Regulus decided that he could and would never hate his brother. Sirius was completely unaware of this decision, of course, because if he knew that Regulus still cared, he would put the both of them in danger. This meant that Regulus could no longer tell him how his day had been every night while gazing at the stars. So, Regulus does the closest thing to it.
As he finishes writing down his small rant about Barty and Evan on today’s sticky note, a wave of exhaustion hits him. It’s later than he typically stays out, as he was delayed getting here by a recent… spout of mischief, almost definitely done by none other than his brother and his friends. Laying the note carefully in the shoebox, Regulus makes a new stack, marking it as Note #135.
135. One hundred thirty-five. That’s the number of days it’s been since Sirius left - well, 142. The first week afterward, his mother had been particularly furious, leading to harsher punishments than usual. Ever since then, every single day, without fail, Regulus sits down and writes a small letter to Sirius, all contained on one sticky note. He’s not sure what he’ll do when he runs out, as they’re limited to the muggle world and a gift from Sirius that he had been especially excited about when coming back from Christmas in his first year. It was from Remus, for Regulus, since Sirius had apparently talked about his younger brother non-stop for the entire first semester. Remus had heard that Regulus was bright and often had more ideas and thoughts than he could keep up with, and offered the sticky notes as a way to help keep track of them.
Walking back to the common room, he stops for a small moment when he hears a shuffle. Turning around, he sees no one in the hall. Even upon casting Revelio, nothing appears. Paranoia has always gotten the best of him, so he tries to ignore it and continues back to his room.
Regulus lays down in his bed and pulls out a book from his drawer. Fahrenheit 451. It’s his favorite book, though a slightly older one. The book is falling apart at the seams from use, with drink stains and pages permanently bent from being folded dog-ear style. None of the books in the wizarding world are nearly this insightful, and he supposes that, without magic, muggles have much more time to think about the moral consequences of things.
It’s not to say that he doesn’t enjoy the books about the adventures of phenomenal, good-doing Aurors, but they’re just so simple and 2D. There is so much more to a person than good and bad, but good and bad is all anyone here can see.
Gryffindor: Good
Slytherin: Bad
Some days he wonders if he is doomed to be cruel, to be married to a woman from a pureblood family and stand by and laugh as she berates and curses their children, like the ignorant and stupid firemen that perpetuate oppression. Or if he could perhaps change and evolve, maybe even learn to love imperfect things without doing harm, such as Guy Montag. But is he the town? Is Regulus meant to die, to fail, and be unsuccessful, no matter what side he lands on?
These are the questions that keep him awake at night, which is part of why he loves the book so much. It’s the only muggle book he’s ever had - another gift from Remus. No one else seems to really think as he and Remus do, but the book makes him think and validates his questions.
Pandora thinks, more than anyone else has ever thought, in Regulus’ opinion, but she doesn’t think about the same things Regulus does. She doesn’t keep herself up at night wondering why the hat didn’t think she was good enough for Gryffindor. She doesn’t work herself almost to tears wondering about what happens if she dies.
Pandora thinks about Snoozblats and Rackspurts and asks what we think her visions of a lion running under the stars mean. More often than not, Regulus wishes his thoughts were like Pandora’s. She seems so joyful all the time, which is so rare for a Slytherin these days.
After an hour or so, he finally drifts off into a slumber, trying to ignore the lack of birthday hugs he’ll have received from Regulus today.
James
James made a mistake. Like, a BIG mistake.
Okay, technically, he didn’t do it, and it’s also a good thing that it happened, but, well, shit.
Standing in the common room, the day after Sirius’ birthday, everyone is staring at him after Lily just screamed and broke things off with him in front of everyone.
And, like, okay, in all fairness to her, he may have done the same thing had he been in her shoes. But in all fairness to James, he absolutely did not cheat on her. He would literally never do that to anyone ever. He would honestly rather die. She doesn’t know that, though, so now everyone at Hogwarts thinks that:
- James Potter cheated on Lily Evans, the girl he had been trying to get with since first year
- James Potter is gay
- James Potter cheated on her with… Barty Crouch Jr.?
“Wait. Did she say, Barty Crouch Jr.?!” James exclaims, quite frankly, more in an impressed state than anything else, that someone managed to convince a girl as smart as Lily that he would get with a Slytherin. Crouch is completely unhinged and a pureblood. There’s no reason either of them would ever even look in the other’s direction.
Stomping up to his room, he collapses onto his bed and groans. He had started losing feelings for Lily, so it had to end eventually, but it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Plus, this rumor is going to start going through the entire school! James doesn’t like boys!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Remus is gay, not that James would ever tell anyone. Sirius is bisexual. Sirius and Remus are dating, for Godric’s sake, James isn’t homophobic. They’re his best friends and nothing changed when either of them came out to him. James isn’t gay, but being sure of that doesn’t make him homophobic. Right?
This isn’t the first time this has happened. Only a few months ago, Mary made a joke and called James gay, and he got defensive, and it kind of put everyone off for the rest of the hangout. He doesn’t have a problem with anyone that’s gay. The vast majority of his friend group is queer and he grew up halfway in the muggle world, where it’s completely normal. James is an ally.
It’s a thought he refuses to entertain for long, especially because the more important thing is trying to fix things with Lily and make sure the entire school doesn’t become convinced that he’s gay and sleeping with Crouch. He needs to find Sirius because it’s truly a miracle that the guy who wears eyeliner and gets close to tears if his hair isn’t perfect has managed to deflect gay rumors for this long. However, Sirius took the map with him and went on a “Mystery Birthday Date” with Remus, and James isn’t sure he wants to walk in on whatever that may be. While he does love his best friends, he doesn’t love them that much.
Completely clueless on what to do, he decides to go to the Quidditch pitch. Flying has always helped create clarity in his mind. The act of flying is just so calming and gets rid of all of the scrambled thoughts bouncing around at all times, refusing to ever quiet down. Sometimes he can get in his brain so bad that he doesn’t notice when other people are talking to them, occasionally for an extended period.
“…ames. James?”
Just like that.
“Oh, sorry! What’s up, Pete?”
“Heard what happened with Lily, mate,” Peter tells him, his eyebrows furrowing as he sits down next to where James is lying on his bed. Upon hearing this, though, he promptly groans loudly and rolls off of the bed and onto the floor with a *thump*.
Scrambling up onto his feet, James dramatically buries his head in his friend’s shoulder, “Pete, you have to believe me, I would never sleep with Crouch. You know me!”
This sentence does earn him a chuckle, which only serves to produce more indescribable noises of complaint from James, before Peter says, “Yeah, no, dude, I thought Lily was supposed to be smart. Anyone who has ever looked at you for five seconds knows you would never cheat, let alone with a Slytherin,” the furrow that had been between his brows is now gone, replaced with wrinkles of skin at the edges of his smile.
Being around his friends always makes him smile. Happiness makes James happy. Everyone should be happy all the time because that’s the best way to be, and if he can do things to make other people smile, he thinks, there’s no better way to live life.
“Nah, you know me, mate, just hooking up with every 5th-year Slytherin at our school,” he jokes, slowly exiting his overly dramatic crisis mode he was in only moments ago. Peter and James continue to joke around for a few minutes and discuss possible theories on how this rumor could have possibly appeared. After about half an hour, they have a list of ideas, ranging from aliens to Legilimency.
Looking up at the clock and realizing it’s almost lunch, both of the boys get up from where they had been working (arguably working harder on this than any of their school work). On the walk down to the Great Hall, it doesn’t seem like people are changing their behavior towards James whatsoever, which is comforting, but also disturbing in its own special way. When they sit down at their regular spot on the table, a pang of guilt hits him in the chest when he sees Lily sitting with Xenophilius at the Ravenclaw table, instead of at her usual spot.
This doesn’t seem to dampen his appetite, though, as he manages to down about five and a half turkey and cheese sandwiches, a bowl of tomato soup, a biscuit, two cups of pudding, and the rest of the food off of Pete’s plate, all in around twenty minutes. Some may say it’s crazy, but it comes with the duty of being a Quidditch captain and practicing a minimum of 4 hours a day. Truly, that’s an understatement.
Remus eventually sits down with them, his head still buried deep in a new book that his mother had sent. It’s The Painting of Darian White or something like that. James isn’t really sure, all that Remus has told them is that it’s a very popular muggle book that he’s been wanting to read for a while. Still, though, he can’t imagine what Remus could find so interesting in a book about a painting. It’s a ‘classic’, though, so there must be something special about it if everyone loves it. Remus does seem incredibly engrossed in the book, not even noticing when the food falls off of his fork or the stares he gets each time he gasps at a shocking part of the book… about a painting.
Not long after that, Sirius plops himself down right next to Remus, shocking him so much that the book falls to the floor of the Great Hall, successfully staining Remus’s brand new book. James swears that, if looks could kill, Sirius wouldn’t have even felt pain before he died. It’s quite funny, really, and James finds much joy in watching the two bicker because everyone knows that neither of them really has any malicious intent.
As Sirius tries to play-fight Remus, James excuses himself from the table to go to the pitch. After all, can he call himself captain if he’s not working the hardest?
While flying around on his broom, all thoughts disappear from his head for a moment. He’s able to close his eyes and relax. No thinking about Crouch, no thinking about Lily, and no thinking about gay people. Everything stressful is gone, and slowly his shoulders become less tense, and the only thing he’s thinking about is the sweet fall air.
Regulus
Regulus is honestly never going to live this down. The fact that Barty has a rumor about him sleeping with James Potter is entirely Regulus’ fault. Oh Merlin…
He truly didn’t mean to start all of this. If you think about it, Regulus is the victim in this whole situation. He was sitting at lunch with his usual group when Avery tried to make fun of Regulus by accusing him of sleeping with one of the Gryffindors. In a panic, he said that they should be more worried about Barty, with all the sucking on Potter’s dick that he does on a daily.
Oops?
And now he’s in his dorm and hiding his face in his pillow, while Evan is dying of laughter on the carpeted floor. Barty is also pouting, because, “as we all know, my tastes would never stoop that low, and I’m far too sexy for Potter.” Regulus isn’t quite sure that’s the case, but Barty is very butt-hurt at the moment, nonetheless.
“What was I supposed to say?!” Regulus pleads, sitting up from the place on his pillow, which now has an imprint of Regulus’s head on it.
“Nothing! Like you normally do! What happened to the nonchalant, Toujours Pur, swag?” Barty yells, frantically looking back and forth between Regulus and Evan, the latter of which is still cackling on the floor so hard that Regulus is concerned for his lungs.
“Avery has influence! What, was I supposed to just accept it and let him tell others that I sleep with Gryffindors? My mother would kill me.”
Remus
Remus is confused, to say the least. At the moment, he’s the only person in his group that everyone is good with. Half of their friends are mad at James and the other half aren’t talking to Lily because they’re mad that Lily doesn’t believe James. Remus, of course, does his best to stay out of the drama, which means that he’s friends with everyone right now, while everyone else is friends with no one.
Secretly, though, Remus loves the drama. So, here’s a quick rundown from him:
Lily heard from Heneliese Greengrass that James was cheating on her. Of course, initially, she didn’t believe it, especially upon hearing that James had hooked up with a man. After all, he’s a dumb jock boy, which is the straight stereotype. However, all of Heneliese’s friends said that they saw it happen, and they even took Veritaserum in front of Lily. She was in denial for a few days, then finally confronted James after a week of avoiding him. But what no one else knows is that Barty and James haven’t spoken to each other this year, which Remus and Sirius verified with a few quick charms on the map. However, Evan Rosier, who is a chaser for the Slytherin team, had a brief period at the beginning of the semester where he dyed his hair a brown so dark that it was almost black. Remus and Sirius saw that they had been in the halls after hours together, and very close together at that. But while Barty is openly gay, having run away from his father’s place last school year, Evan is from a very prestigious pureblood family, and neither of them wants to risk outing or endangering him. They have no idea who started the rumor.
It’s been a long couple of days, and no one wants to lose their friends. Remus wants to stay out of all of it, but it’s looking like he might not be able to.
Sighing, Remus puts out the cigarette he’s had between his lips. Carefully, he neatly puts a bookmark between the pages of his newest novel, making sure it stands perfectly straight and without the possibility of bending any pages. The Picture of Dorian Gray is one he’d been wanting to read for a while, and his Momma got it for him as a birthday present. Honestly, it was a good book, but not one of his favorites. He had hoped it would be, what with the lack of queer writing that exists that’s accessible to him, but it’s simply so average.
Walking over to the castle, he hears Sirius running up behind him, seconds before he throws his hands in front of his eyes. Remus knows it’s him, and he does every time. The scent is always the same and the pattern of the footsteps is consistent. Despite that, he lets Sirius try anyway.
“Guess who!” Exclaims the ‘mystery’ person behind him, who smells an awful lot like the scent of Tobacco Vanilla.
“Hmmm… Freddie Mercury?” Remus jokes, earning him a laugh and a quick peck on the cheek while no one’s looking.
While it has been a few months since Sirius left, old habits die hard, and he still doesn’t seem quite ready to come out. This isn’t something that either of them finds issue with, because all that they care about is the happiness that they find with each other. It’s painfully cheesy, but after a long discussion about whether they’d come out or not, that was the conclusion they’d come to.