Suicidal Dream
...
Marlene hated Valentine's Day, in fact she hated any existing commemorative date. So when Pandora called her in the middle of the night asking if she could have a party at her house she denied it really fast.
Obviously that wouldn't stop Pandora from having that damn party, of course not.
So there was Marlene, lost at the party in a nightclub looking for Lily Evans, her only friend who was there at that moment.
She didn't know how Pandora had managed to fix that place so last minute, but she was amazed by her friend's talent. The nightclub was totally adorned with hearts and pink soap bubbles that flew all over the place. It played Madonna’s' vogue loud, while several people danced and jumped on the dance floor.
Lily was there, chatting with James, who smiled happily at the redhead.
Idiot. Marlene thought.
James Potter was an idiot.
Lily Evans didn't belong to anyone, she was from the world.
From art.
Lily didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend.
James, on the other hand, wanted a family, a girlfriend.
Marlene wanted to warn him about the dangers of being in love with someone like Lily Evans, but it wasn't her place of speech.
No.
She couldn't interfere with the inevitable.
Marlene walked lazily to the bar. Oh, yes, a drink would be good. In a short time she would go on tour, she needed to forget a little about the problems of being a pop singer.
"What are you going to want, miss?" The man at the bar asked.
"Wiskey," she answers sitting on one of the bar stools. "with a lot of ice."
The man turns around and then pours the liquid into Marlene's glass. She drinks in one sip. "Come on, don't be shy, put more."
The bartender laughed and poured more of the liquid into the glass. "Do you want me to leave the bottle?"
Marlene nods yes. "Leave and put all this in James Potter's bills, please."
"With pleasure." Then the man turns to meet another woman who had arrived.
Marlene looks up coming across one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen in her life. The black skin, the long and thick hair, the eye with the marked makeup, the glitter passing through her neck, the ripped black cropped the mini skirt.
She was a goddess.
Oh, Marlene didn't know how to act around that woman. That task would be very difficult.
"You have to be kidding," the woman says rolling her eyes, it was only when she opened her mouth that Marlene could realise that she was not alone, she was accompanied by a boy very similar to Sirius.
"What is it?" The boy looks directly at Marlene and laughs. "The glue girl."
The woman laughs softly. "Yes, the glue girl"
Marlene realises that they were talking about her. But that didn't matter, because the woman had noticed her. Oh, that was an win.
"Well, stay at the bar and I'll dance." The boy speaks.
"You’re going after Potter." The woman answers but the boy was already walking around the nightclub. "Black's please be gentle!" She screams and the boy just shows his middle finger while walking through the crowd.
Marlene takes the bottle and drinks it to the neck, the drink would give her enough courage to talk to her, yes, that's what Marlene needed, courage to talk to the most beautiful woman in the whole world.
"Glue girl?" Marlene says when she gets closer to the woman who was drinking some unknown drink.
The woman laughs softly.
Marlene thinks that smile was what was missing in her days. Like a beautiful sunset on a snowy afternoon. Everything about her is beautiful.
"Yes, the glue girl, of that annoying song that doesn't leave the radio." She complains.
Marlene smiles. "Oh, so you like my song?"
"Your song makes me want to throw up." The woman answers by looking deeply into Marlene's eyes.
Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.
"So what do you like?" Marlene asks.
"Rock." She replies bored. "Mainly punk. Specifically my band's music."
"And what's your band?"
The woman smiles. "You can find out without me saying." She says taking another sip of the drink. "We'll see you around there, glue girl."
Marlene fixes her posture. "My name is Marlene."
"I know." Then she throws a five bill on the counter.
"Wait!" Marlene screams. "What's your name?"
The woman who was on her back turns around and smiles sideways. "You can also find out this glue girl."
Then she leaves, leaving Marlene with her whiskey behind.
She wouldn't give up on knowing who that woman was.
...
Regulus thought James Potter was a pathetic human being.
Everything he did was incredibly pathetic.
This word described him so well that Regulus felt sick just thinking about it.
Regulus smoked, not caring that the place where they were is closed, he wasn't the only person who was smoking, so fuck it. In his right hand he had a mint cigarette, and in his left a glass of cherry vodka that Pandora had given him.
He was in the middle of everyone dancing. But his eyes were fixed on one place.
James Potter that was talking to a red-haired woman, yes Regulus knew her, it's hard for someone not to know Lily Evans, the movie prodigy, twice nominated for an Oscar, three times elected the most beautiful woman in Europe.
But Regulus doesn't care about her, he was more concerned about looking deep into James' eyes while he talked so pathetically with Lily Evans.
Oh Regulus got it.
All those ridiculous songs are for someone in particular.
It was for Lily Evans.
Pathetic.
Regulus left the cigarette in his mouth, still looking at James, who now had all his attention on Regulus.
Great. That's what he wanted.
Still with the cigarette in his mouth, Regulus started dancing with another man, he didn't even care to see who it was, he just danced feeling the freshness of the cigarette and James' eyes on his body.
Regulus liked to see him looking at him like that.
He liked to play with James in that way.
Removing the cigarette from his mouth, Regulus pulled that stranger for a kiss, very obscene, but he didn't care, not when James Potter didn't even blink while watching him.
Regulus loved that.
To feel desired by someone like James.
For someone who wanted him but still fought against himself.
Regulus felt the boy kissing and sucking his neck, he took the cigarette to his lips again still looking deeply at James, who seemed hypnotised by that whole scene.
James can finally seem to return to reality, he simply pushed Lily away, who didn't seem to understand her boyfriend's attitude, and walked with hard steps to Regulus, who was still feeling the boy's lips on his neck.
James got close to Regulus taking his wrist hard, breaking the contact of the unknown in his skin. James took him away, no one seemed to care about seeing them there, they were complete strangers at that party.
As soon as the two arrived in a dark corridor, where the only lighting present was a dark red light, there were some people hitting each other hard against the wall, but that didn't seem to bother either of them.
"May I know what the fuck you're doing?" James asks, his thick voice chilled the hair on the back of Regulus' neck, he smiled. James was a mess, his hair disheveled, his glasses on the tip of his nose, the golden glitter in his eyes, his white shirt with open buttons.
Regulus thought about what it would be like to put his mouth on James neck, feel his taste, kiss his lips. Regulus felt a temptation to taste James Potter.
"Dancing." Regulus answers, the glass of vodka was still in his left hand, he took the drink to his mouth and drinks looking deep into James' eyes.
James closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "No, you- you weren't just dancing. You were kissing another boy."
"Jealous Potter?" Regulus asked to irritate him.
"No, it's just that you were kissing a complete stranger while you're clearly drunk."
"This is my first drink of the night." Regulus responds playfully.
James seems to be out of orbit, shamelessly observing Regulus' reddish neck. "And how much have you already used in?"
Regulus now felt offended.
He was more than a fucking junkie.
James didn't have that right to judge him.
"Fuck you Potter." Regulus responds by pushing him against the wall trying to get out of that place, but James again takes his wrist.
"I'm just- you're Sirius' brother, it's my duty to take care of you."
Regulus laughs.
Laugh because James Potter is pathetic.
He laughed because no one had taken care of him for years.
He laughed because Regulus always managed to take care off his life well alone.
"And does my brother know that you're at this party wanting to fuck his little brother?" Regulus whispers. James swallows drily. He watches James taking a step back. "Oh, he doesn't know you're here. Sirius doesn't know that you came, and that you're flirting with Evans while imagining me blowing you." He says this part close to James' ear. "Tell me Potter, does the redhead know that you fuck thinking about me?"
"Shut up Black." James responds with anger. "I would never do that to her-"
Bingo
James was really sleeping with Lily Evans.
Regulus smiles victoriously. "Oh, so you're really sleeping with Evans? Does she know that all those songs are for her?"
"You don't know anything." James says between teeth.
It was really funny how Regulus managed to make the lovely James Potter angry.
"I know how pathetic you are for running after someone who doesn't give a damn about you." Regulus responds by giving the final sips on his drink. "Tell me Potter, why did you pull me here? You just wanted to give me a moral lesson?"
"I-" James seemed lost. Regulus comes closer giving a light nibble on James' earlobe.
"Tell me Potter,"
"Regulus, please."
"What?"
"Stop it."
Regulus moves away still watching James. "Why would I stop Potter?"
"Because I don't want to fuck you right here." James answers.
Regulus is static.
He didn't know how to react.
James finally manages to have the strength to get away from Regulus. "Black's be safe." So he's leaving.
Regulus thinks that after that, after the mess James left him, he needed something.
Then he enters one of the bathrooms taking the package that contained the white powder.
It would be a long night.
...
Sirius Black knew he had drinking problems, he knew more than anyone that everyone hated him when he started drinking.
But there was nothing to do, he needed that to survive or if not he was screwed.
His night was being extremely boring, he had a date, but the asshole had cancelled at the last minute. So Sirius was lying on the couch, drinking wine on the bottle while watching a rerun of the last episode of 'friends.
He was the only one in the apartment, Peter had gone out with a girl and James went to some party.
It was strange that James went out alone, he always went to places with some company.
But he didn't care, Sirius thought James needed some time alone with everything that was happening with Fleamont, another high-risk surgery, his friend needed a cover for himself.
Sirius knew that James could handle it better than anyone, his friend always had this talent to see the good things on the worst occasions.
That was the best of James.
"Sirius," Remus calls him, passing through the entrance door with red eyes. "I thought you had a date today."
Sirius takes a deep breath.
Remus
Remus was beautiful, mesmerising, talented.
Sirius loved Remus.
He loved him so much that it hurt inside his heart every time Remus appeared with someone other than him.
But it was an easy pain to bear if it meant having Remus with him at night.
Sirius didn't mind being the second option.
"The idiot unmarked, something about the ex-girlfriend." Sirius complains by taking the bottle to his mouth. "And your date, how was it?" Sirius asks watching Remus sit next to him, they hadn't been talking since Remus found the unfinished song in the studio.
"Shit, she said she had problems and had to leave early." He takes the bottle from Sirius' hand without asking if he could or not. "Where is James?"
"Some party." Sirius answers shrugging his shoulders. "He didn't give many details."
"Did he go alone?" Remus asks.
Sirius takes the bottle from Remus' hands. "Yes, he needs a moment alone. But I'm sure Lily is with him."
"Weird." Remus murmurs. "And what are you doing?"
"Drinking while watching 'friends." Sirius explains. "There's not much to do."
Remus gets up and takes Sirius' hand. "Where is the party that James is in?"
"A nightclub in the city why?"
"It's a party, since when does Sirius Black deny going to a party?"
He was right.
"Tay me fifteen minutes to get ready."
...
The ballad was full at that time of the night, but Regulus didn't care, he danced as the music played, in the breaks he ran to the bathroom and smelled a little more.
His mind was spinning.
James James James James James James James James James. James. James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James. James. James James James James James James James James James. James. James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James.
Fuck James Potter. He had hurt Regulus' pride.
The judge and then discarded him.
He smelled another career of dust, soon returning to the dance floor. Dorcas had already disappeared in the middle of all those people, but Regulus didn't bother to be alone. He was already used to staying only with his own company.
His eyes fell on a black hair. He knew that skinny and short figure.
Sirius
Regulus hated Sirius. He hated to know that his brother lived a life simply, just pretending that Regulus never existed.
He hated knowing that Sirius managed to live after leaving his parents' house.
He envies Sirius for having the courage to run away.
A hatred mixed with admiration, because Regulus wanted to have been as strong as Sirius to face his parents.
But Regulus is a fool and weak.
Deep down he deserved to have been alone in that house.
"Reggieeee," Pandora has been jumping, her red cheeks and blurred pink lipstick marked her black face. "You're shining today."
"And you're drunk." Regulus answers.
"I was with Lily minutes ago but she disappeared," the blonde says pouting. "So I came to see you!"
Regulus forces a smile. "Let's dance Dora." He pulls the blonde to the dance floor and moves his body again.
Sirius sees him. Regulus didn't bother to feel his brother's gaze on his back. He doesn't impose himself. It doesn't matter if Sirius wants to pretend he never existed, it doesn't matter that James Potter didn't want him. It doesn't matter if Lucius Malfoy used him.
He just didn't care, because he knew he didn't have enough value for any of these people.
Regulus was just something to be used and then discarded.
This started with Sirius and won't end anytime soon. Maybe this was Regulus' destiny.
Being used after discarded when it no longer had value.
He was sad. Sad for a long time. But Regulus knew how to deal with his own shit.
Or at least he tries.
"Lily!" Pandora screams because of the loud music. The redhead had dishevelled hair and blurred makeup, behind her was James equally untidy who was talking to Sirius and Remus. "Oh, your hair is a mess where were you?"
The redhead smiles. "Bathroom." She looks at Regulus curiously. "Regulus Black, isn't it?"
Regulus does yes with his head. "Lily Evans, isn't it?"
"Yes." She laughs scratching behind the back of her neck. "I really like your band, I've been listening to your album religiously since last week."
"Cool." Regulus answers by taking the glass of vodka to his mouth. "I'm going to the bathroom."
Not expecting an answer, he leaves the two girls behind, talking excitedly with each other. As soon as he enters the bathroom, Regulus locks himself in one of the cabins by gently placing more of the white powder on top of the toilet lid that was closed. Someone knocked on the door aggressively, but he didn't care. Regulus took his face and smelled the contents at once, soon closing his eyes tightly.
He coughed a little and took the rest of the vodka, throwing the empty glass on the floor brutally.
The door kept being punched outside, but Regulus kept ignoring it, not caring about anything.
"Come on Regulus open that door."
It was Sirius.
Regulus continued to ignore, taking the rest of the drug to the test cap again and tidying up in rows next.
Sirius was there.
He smelled the first one.
Sirius wanted to talk to him.
He smelled the second one.
Regulus didn't want to talk to his brother.
He smelled the last one.
"I'm listening to you." Sirius knocks on the door again. "Open this shit please."
Regulus leaned his head against the wall, where he was spread out on the floor. What was Sirius doing there? Would James have the guest? Or Pandora?
Regulus didn't want to deal with his brother. In fact, he wasn't happy to be in the same place as his older brother.
Sirius hurt him deeply when he left, he simply disappeared without giving a sign to Regulus.
Regulus had to deal with Walburga alone, his transition without anyone in the family knowing. It was so painful to be without his brother by him side when he needed it most.
That hurt.
Regulus thought of dying whenever he remembered Sirius.
There was a time when he considered this idea. It didn't make sense to live without Sirius.
"Go away." Regulus responds by sniffing. "Go away, don't talk to me ever again."
"Regulus-" Sirius says in a thread of voice. "Please, I'm worried."
"Fuck you." Regulus responds by raising and opening the door. "Fuck you." He repeats.
"Regulus-"
"No," Regulus replies going to the sink to wash his hands. "I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to look at you."
"You're high, shit, Reg, how much did you use?"
Reg.
Sirius called him that when they were children, because his brother knew that Regulus had an aversion to the name Walburga had given him.
Regulus felt the bile forming in his throat.
"It's Regulus." he replies through his teeth. "Mainly for you."
"Regulus, how much did you use?"
"Not enough, now leave me alone I want to enjoy my night."
"Using more drugs?"
Regulus laughs without humour. "Oh, do you want to give an older brother sermon at this point? A advice coming from you, really?"
Sirius rolls his eyes. "I don't want you to overdose."
Regulus closes his eyes taking a deep breath, his heart was racing and his senses no longer worked properly. "Maybe I want to! Maybe I want to overdose, and you know, maybe that's none of your business. Whether I die or not, it's not your fucking business! We don't exist anymore, there are no more Black brothers for nine fucking years, I don't care about you and I don't care if you're drinking like dad, do you know why?"
Sirius is silent, watching Regulus without even blinking.
"Because you're dead to me Sirius, it wasn't because I called you drunk a few years ago that will change everything you made me go through."
“Regulus-“
Regulus opens the bathroom door and before leaving looks at Sirius one last time. "And stop singing about me in your ridiculous songs, 'high and dry will be the last time you'll do this. Are we understood?"
"Yes." Sirius answers.
"Great." Regulus slams the door hard.
He walks a little more, bumping into men and women on the way.
Fuck this.
Sirius had made him sad and angry.
Regulus needed to forget.
James was there again, looking at him deep in his eyes, but Regulus ignored him when he saw Lily and ignored him when he whispered something in Remus' ear.
Fuck this shit.
Regulus went after the same man he had kissed earlier, he would serve as a good distraction at that moment.
"I'm Regulus." He says when he finds the man at the bar surrounded by other guys and a girl.
The man smiles by taking the shot glass to his mouth. "I'm Mulciber, are you alone?"
"Yes," Regulus replies taking one of the shot glasses he had on the counter taking it to the mouth then, he hears someone complaining but he didn't care. "I'm alone, do you want to accompany me?"
Mulciber doesn't even think before putting their mouths together.
"I couldn't forget you all night."
"Now you won't forget me all your life." Regulus responds by pulling him away.
...
Sirius clearly remembers when he ran away from home. He was only sixteen years old when he showed up at the Potter's house bruised.
Euphemia Potter was alone that night, Fleamont had just discovered cancer so he was hospitalised after having surgery. James had stayed in the hospital with his father, while Euphemia went home to rest a little.
Sirius remembers Euphemia taking care of all his bruises and hugging him gently. He didn't know that mothers could be so affectionate, until he met Euphemia.
It didn't take long for Sirius to be adopted by the Potters, everything seemed so right.
He was finally welcome somewhere.
But he still felt an emptiness inside himself. Something that only one person could fill.
Regulus.
At the time Regulus was not yet Regulus. Maybe he already knew himself enough to understand that he was a man. But Sirius didn't know that, in fact he never thought that his brother didn't see himself the same way other people saw him.
Sirius should have noticed.
As an older brother he should have realised..
It was too late, when Sirius received that damn call from Regulus telling about his transition, the Marauders already had three years of band, and two albums recorded.
All that time Sirius was calling Regulus her.
As a sister.
Sirius didn't know that Regulus listened to his songs.
But now he felt guilty.
Why didn't he ever realise? He could have helped. He could be there for Regulus.
For all that time his brother was alone and Sirius didn't even call to find out if everything was okay.
Seeing Regulus there, an adult made Sirius feel guilty.
He can't see his brother growing up. Now Regulus had sold himself to drugs, he sold himself to the media, he sold himself to Lucius.
"Sirius?" It was Lily. "Man, what happened? You disappeared."
Sirius didn't have the strength to answer her. "Regulus."
"Okay. Regulus." Lily responds by sitting next to her friend and removing the bottle from his hand. "Do you want me to call James? Or Remus?"
Remus
That name calmed him down.
"No." Sirius speaks.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Sirius closes his eyes preventing the tears from running down his face. "Regulus. I talked to Regulus."
"Your brother?"
"He- he was horrible, his nose, oh, my Petit lion he was deplorable smelling on the bathroom floor."
"Oh, Sirius." Lily says pulling him into a hug." It's okay, you can cry, let's go, put everything out."
Sirius cries on the redhead's lap until his eyes burn. It wasn't fair. He had lost Regulus forever.
"I lost him Lily, forever, I lost my little brother."
"No, you didn't lose anyone."
"He hates me."
Lily hugs him tighter. "Hate and love go together, side by side, Regulus doesn't hate you, he loves you, he loves you so much that he can't show it. You are complicated, your family, everything you represent. But that doesn't mean he hates you, maybe in the near future you can be you again."
"Like you and Petunia?"
Lily smiles and wipes the tears that fall from Sirius' face. "It took us more than five years to talk again, now I'm her son's godmother. Hatred is a passing thing, your story with Regulus is not over yet, I know that."
"Real?"
Lily nods. "I'm serious, brothers are complicated, family is complicated. But that doesn't mean you'll hate him until the end of your life, you Sirius Black would never be able to hate him."
"But he hates me."
"Maybe now, but you two are very upset, you don't know what you're saying or doing. Give Regulus a break and then have a frank conversation with him, just say what you want most, and then it's up to him to decide if he wants you around or not."
"But-"
"Give Regulus a choice, he deserves to say whether he wants you in his life or not, Sirius. In the end, it only depends on him."
"Yes, I think so."
The two stay hugged for a while, until Remus and James appear worried.
"For God's sake, never do that again!" James exclaims pulling him into a hug.
"James," Lily calls him. "Come on, we'd better leave Sirius and Remus alone."
Lily pulls James away, who complained loudly about.
Remus sits next to Sirius, and puts his little fingers together.
"Are you okay?" Remus asks.
No.
"Yes." Sirius murmurs in response. "Just very tired."
"Me too, we should have stayed home watching 'friends together." Remus says looking at the dark night. "It was Regulus, wasn't it?"
"Yes." Sirius answers looking down.
"I don't like your brother."
"You don't know him." Sirius answers.
"Neither you." Remus is serious. "He's not the same fourteen-year-old you left behind Sirius."
"He's still my baby brother."
Remus stares at him. "You have a new family, you have James, Peter, Lily and me. You don't need it anymore, you already have us."
Remus didn't understand. Obviously not. Remus hated everything he did bad to Sirius. That's why he hated Regulus. That's why he hated himself.
Sirius smiles sadly. "I still love my brother Remus."
"I know." Remus says facing the darkness of the night again. "Just be careful, okay? When you realise that he's not good for you, just let him go. Sometimes it's the best option. Even if you love him, you have to let him go."
"Yes maybe."