Black Star
...
Lily never really knew how to live without being in the spotlight of fame. Since she was very little she was already acting in famous movies. At only fourteen years old she had already nominated for the Golden Globe.
She really didn't know what it was like to live without art in life.
Her mother, a frustrated actress put all her dreams on the backs of Lily and her sister Petunia, a child actress who always liked the glamorous life she led, but Petunia never really managed to put on a great movie, making her career not go forward. Petunia was the parents' favourite, until Lily was born.
After Lily was born, Petunia was never the same, her parents made clear from an early age their preference for her younger sister.
But it wasn't Lily's fault, she was born to act.
As soon as she came of age, Lily was able to realise how fucked up it was to have grown up around the cameras. On her eighteenth birthday, comments from men around the world began to hang around where she passed. And well, her father didn't help much, he believed that the sexualisation his daughter suffered would be something good for her career.
When her father realised how bad that was doing for his own daughter it was too late, Lily thought she needed to have a man in her life for her to feel complete. This caused her to enter into toxic relationships with guys who didn't respect her as a person.
A big shit.
How wrong is the fact that Lily got into any kind of relationship just to feel more loved. Even if that broke her into millions of pieces, she just needed that to be able to live.
Until she met James Potter.
Lily felt that she could fall in love with James, she often tried to feel the same thing that James felt.
But it was difficult.
And that hurt her because she felt pressured to like James back, but being in that relationship with James made her feel desired, as if being there completed her.
And that was horrible.
Because that made everything more difficult and consequently hurt James.
"Lils, are you already awake?" James asks, he wasn't wearing any blouses, just sweatpants. "Peter made waffles."
Lily smiles. "Oh yes, I'm on my way." She steals one of James' T-shirts that was thrown on the floor and leaves the room, following the apartment so familiar to her.
Lily and James didn't date, they just met for casual sex, nothing else.
But she thought James didn't understand that very well. For him, Lily is his girlfriend.
Until last night.
Oh yes, James wasn't the same last night.
Before he only had eyes for Lily, but yesterday, he only had eyes for one person.
Regulus Black.
He simply threw Lily away to talk to Regulus, alone.
James had never done that, in all those years that the two knew each other. Lily thought that not even James understood what was going on inside his own head.
Knowing James as Lily knew him, Potter was probably thinking of "protecting" Regulus because he is Sirius' brother.
Maybe that made sense in James' head.
"Lily!" Peter exclaimed, there was an unknown girl eating small pieces of waffles timidly at the end of the table. "Emmeline, this is Lily, a, hm, James' friend."
Emmeline was an Asian girl with pink hair, who smiled when she saw Lily. "Oh my God, I'm a big fan of yours, seriously, my mother and I used to watch 'singing in the rain' every weekend, it's a pleasure to meet you."
"The pleasure is all mine." Lily responds by sitting at the table and then taking a plate. "Sirius, are you okay?"
"Still sleeping, Remus hasn't let anyone get close to him since yesterday." James responds by taking the coffee cup to his mouth. "But I think he’s okay."
Peter sat next to Emmeline and put orange juice in her glass. "I'm going out for one night and you're already fighting with Regulus."
"Regulus? Regulus Black?" Emmeline speaks a little lost. "Man, some friends and I went to his band's concert on Saturday, they're fucking awesome."
"Babe," Peter calls her, making Emmeline look at him. "I love you, but never talk about another band near us."
Emmeline laughs and kisses Peter's cheek in response. "Right, no Regulus and no Death Eaters."
"Just Marauders." Peter concluded the girl's sentence.
“So Emmeline," James starts talking. "What do you work with?"
Emmeline stares at James with her eyes shining, it seems that she was waiting for that question. "I'm a photographer. I work in some magazines-,"
"Babe, tell them you work at Vogue, don't be shy."
James smiles. "Oh, so we have a Vogue photographer on the table."
"Please give me an autograph, miss photographer!" Lily says putting her hands together, Emmeline laughs shyly.
"Yes, it is, but only the smaller photographs, I'm not in the main jobs of photographing models and celebrities."
"Everyone starts little Emmeline." James says eating one of the waffles. "Do you want to go to the studio with us Lily?"
"Yes, of course I will." Lily replies with a forced smile.
Peter starts a conversation about what happened on his Valentine's Day date with Emmeline, James listens carefully, or at least pretends to be listening.
Lily, however, turns off completely, since that conversation didn't please her.
"Is Remus already awake?" She asks James.
"It must be, I think so." James answers by turning his attention to Peter.
Lily excuses herself and gets up, and walks calmly to Remus' room, where she knocks three times on the door before entering.
Remus was thrown on the bed, still wearing the clothes from the previous night, his eyes were closed but Lily knew that he was awake to know that she was in the room.
"Lils." He says, his voice came out hoarse.
"How Sirius are?" She asks.
"Fine." He answers by opening his eyes. "What do you want Evans?"
"Talk to you."
Remus sits on the bed, Lily closes the door behind her and walks to her best friend's bed.
She and Remus really got along very well. Whenever something happened, Lily called Remus just to talk. Remus always understood her so well.
"What happened? Did James do something?"
Lily nods her head. "No, last night, it was-" she takes a deep breath. "fuck the best sex we've ever had."
"Isn't that good?" Remus asks worried. "Like, having sex with James Potter is any girl's dream, you must be in the clouds."
"It was different from everything we had already done." Lily answers.
Remus looked at her intrigued. "What do you mean?"
Lily fixes her posture by leaning her head against the wall behind her. "It was very good. Like really fucking good."
"And?"
"He was more, how can I say it? Intense."
"I haven't seen the problem with that yet."
She didn't want to speak out loud. She didn't want to say that she thought James had sex with her thinking about someone else.
Thinking about Regulus.
"I don't think he was thinking about me while we were doing that, you know?" Lily speaks so fast that she could not understand her own words.
Remus is silent for long seconds, just assimilating what she had said.
"James wouldn't do that."
"I didn't say he did it, I just think he-"
"Who do you think it was with?" Remus asks even knowing the answer.
"Remy, you already know, don't you?"
"Regulus." He speaks in a tone of confirmation. "Do you think James had sex with you thinking about Regulus?"
"Remus, I swear, the way they looked at each other the night before." Lily speaks softly, as if it hurt her. "There's something going on, something that not even James seems to understand."
It didn't make sense to get hurt. She never liked James.
Or maybe she never really thought that James would like someone else besides her.
"James wouldn't do that Lily, neither with you nor with Sirius." Remus says at the end. "Maybe he drank too much and that made him-"
"He had sex with me thinking about Regulus, I know that I'm not crazy."
Remus took his hand and caressed his palm. "Lils, don't think too much about it, okay? The only person you can talk about is James."
"But what do you think Remy?" Lily asks with a weak voice.
Why was that hurting so much? It didn't make any sense, she never liked James.
"I think-" he clears his throat. "I think this is more complicated than you think. James must be getting into screws, Regulus represents everything that James has always run away while you, oh Lily, James always ran after everything you represent."
"I feel used."
"We're being precipitated, maybe nothing happened, maybe James just got inspired.”
"Yes maybe." Lily says in a long sigh.
...
James was feeling dirty.
He was hating himself at that moment. How could he look at Lily's face after what he did last night?
That was so, so wrong.
But seeing Regulus kissing another man in front of him made him so angry, because it was supposed to be him kissing Regulus, not that stranger.
Oh Lily had nothing to do with that story, James just wrapped her in this whole mess.
He had never hated himself as much as he does now.
Lily appeared in the kitchen an hour after talking to Remus.
She knew. James was sure she knew everything. James blamed himself even more. To improve everything he would still have to see Regulus today again in the studio, and Lily would be there.
Oh, he was ready to be buried alive.
"James, I'm going to take a shower and we're already out." Lily warns going to the bathroom.
James was already tidy, he helped Peter and Emmeline tidy up the kitchen.
"Pete," James calls the friend who was washing the dishes. "We, hm, can we talk quickly?"
Peter observes him, seeming to understand that the subject is too personal for his girlfriend to hear. "Em, can you give us a quick license?"
"Of course, yes, I'll tidy up the room." Emmeline says she doesn't seem to be bothered.
Peter and James sit at the wooden table that was in the kitchen, the two spent a few seconds just staring at each other, while James tried to take the courage to say what he had done last night.
"Pete, have you ever had sex with someone thinking about someone else?" James takes the courage to ask.
Peter seems thoughtful. "Yes, man, my first sex was disastrous, remember? I said I was nervous and thought about-"
"But did it happen other times?"
"What? No, never really. I think sex is something special and-" He seems to realise when James looks down. "Shit James, did you have sex with Evans thinking about someone else?"
"Spoke it quietly please, I'm very embarrassed just to talk about it with you."
"Who did you think of?" Peter asks.
James is quiet. He wouldn't say out loud that he thought of Regulus while having sex with someone else, that already made him feel guilty enough.
Regulus was Sirius' little brother.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Regulus.
Reg-
“You're not going to tell anyone, are you?" James asks low.
"What? Of course not! My mouth is a grave."
"Regulus." James chooks.
Pater seems to assimilate the name after the seven letters come out of James' mouth.
"OK, right. That makes sense."
"Excuse me?"
Peter shrugged. "You feeling attracted to Regulus, it was to be expected. In the studio you can't take your eyes off him, I don't think you can't look away since he asked you for that cigarette."
"No speech?" James asks.
"Well, you're already twenty-three years old, almost twenty-four, you're already old enough to know what's right and wrong." Peter responds by tapping James on the shoulder. "But if you want a sermon, talk to Remus, he's very good at these things."
"Remus can't know, he would kill me." James speaks.
"Maybe you deserve some taffes from Lily and Sirius, but especially from Lily." Peter responds by getting up and returning to the sink. "Just be honest with Lily, hm? Maybe you don't like her as much as you think you do, because if you really did you wouldn't think of someone else while you were with her."
"Maybe you're right." James says.
Peter smiles victoriously. "I always am."
Lily appeared a few minutes later, with wet hair and wearing a Remus sweater.
James hated himself. The woman of his life was in front of him, and he just didn't feel anything.
"Shall We Go?" She asks, James says yes with his head.
The last thing he saw was Peter whispering. "Be honest with her."
And so the two leave on their way to the studio.
...
Regulus was smoking outside the studio when James and Lily arrived. He was wearing a red knit shirt, with some tears on his sleeve and pants with boots, he still had makeup requirements on his face from the night before, Regulus didn't seem to be bothered by anything that happened around him.
As soon as he sees James, Regulus rolls his eyes and throws the cigarette on the floor.
“I waited for you in this cold for about twenty minutes,” Regulus complains as soon as James approaches him.
“Is it locked?” James asks.
“No, it’s open so I decided to wait for you in the cold outside at nine in the morning, it’s obvious that it’s locked idiot.” Regulus finally responds realising that Lily was accompanied by James. “Evans, what are you doing here?”
“I came to accompany James to the studio.” Lily answers. “Any problem?”
Regulus laughs softly. “Oh no, I just wasn’t prepared to put up with the singer’s girlfriend in the studio.”
“She’s not my girlfriend.” James responds so fast that he doesn’t even realise it, Lily seems to be strangely offended by that.
James didn’t understand, she always made it clear that she wanted nothing but sex with him, and suddenly she felt offended by not being called a girlfriend?
“Wow,” Regulus says sighing. “Fuck, that was fast.”
“Come on, it’s open.” James says opening the studio door, Regulus is the first to enter.
Lily goes right after without even looking at James.
And James enters last.
Regulus was already played on the couch, playing with the old guitar from the studio, while Lily was huddled in the corner of the sofa.
“The music is ready, we just need the chords.” Regulus speaks while reading the song.
“Yes, Remus is better at it than me.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, he had a purple vergon right under his eye.
James wonder what had happened?
“Potter, hey, wake up.” Regulus speaks calling your attention.
“Excuse me, what happened?” James asks clearing his throat.
“Regulus said he would rather die than work with Remus again.” Lily explains laughing.
“Die?” James asks.
Regulus rolls his eyes. “I’d rather die than put up with that convinced idiot again.”
James laughed, because Regulus was funny. Lily doesn’t seem to understand the grace of that morbid joke very well, so she just keeps quiet.
“Can I read the lyrics?” She asks Regulus who strongly held the paper with all the written composition.
He arches his eyebrow. “Oh, read it and then give it back to me.”
“Right, it’s okay.” Lily says passing her eyes on the paper.
James looks back at Regulus, still worried about the purple in his eye, you could see that there were red marks all over his neck, where the T-shirt didn’t cover. He wonder what had happened?
“What happened to your eye?” James asks before even understanding his own thoughts.
“It’s none of your business.” Regulus answers without patience. “Have you read everything Evans? We need to finish this shit as soon as possible.”
Lily grumbles returning the paper to Regulus. “I liked it, I mean, James, you never wrote something like that.”
James nods. “It’s different, we’re trying new things.”
“It was cool,” Lily murmurs.
“If you two have already stopped flirting, I wanted to finish this song today.” Regulus says getting up angry from the armchair. “Come Potter, we need to record our voices together first.”
James and Regulus walk side by side to the recording booth, the attention is taken by Peter, Emmeline and Remus who entered the studio talking loudly, Lily seemed to be relieved to see her friends there.
Sirius didn’t go. Great, James thought, he wouldn’t like to deal with his best friend, not after having done what he did last night.
Say that you wanted to have sex with Regulus.
Having sex with Lily thinking about Regulus.
Think about Regulus in every possible way.
He didn’t want to look at Sirius’ face ever again.
"Hello there," Peter says into the microphone that was outside the cabin. "We brought hot chocolate."
"Great. Drink everything and choke." Regulus responds by rolling his eyes. "Press the microphone and record soon."
"Everything for you baby Black." Peter says with a wink.
Regulus puts on the headphone and James does the same thing. He observes Regulus carefully, the sleeve of the T-shirt wider, he can see some marks on Regulus' forearm, scarred stripes.
What would that be?
The purple in the eye, the freckles that were highlighted by his pale skin, the greyish eye that left James hypnotised. Everything in Regulus is like a beautiful and melancholic oil painting.
James hated himself for thinking of him that way.
He was so handsome.
"Come on Potter, you're tiring my beauty." Regulus speaks only for James to listen. "Don't let your little girlfriend down, she came here just to see you singing how crazy you are for me."
James held his breath making Regulus laugh.
"Shut up Black, you don't know anything." James answers.
Regulus shrugged. "Yes, maybe I really don't know."
"Ready?" Peter asks. Regulus just jows his hands, while James nods his head. "Great, recording of 'D is for Dangerous' taken one."
"He knew what he wanted to say
But he did not want to word it
The dirty little Herbert
Was seeking an escape"
Regulus begins, his voice was hoarse a little dragged, strangely mesmerising. James thought he could listen to him sing for long hours. Regulus sang looking deep into James' eyes, giving a provocative corner smile.
"But the place was well guarded
The guiltiness had started
Soon as the other part had stopped"
James sings, watching focussed on Regulus' reddish lips, that man would be his perdition.
"D is for Delightful
And try to keep your trousers on
I think you should know you're
His favourite worst nightmare"
This part they sing together, exchanging deep glances. No one existed in that room except the two, nothing else mattered.
The universe existed only for James Potter and Regulus Black.
...
The recording lasted the whole day. Regulus was simply exhausted, by having to do Sirius’ guitar part, his brother decided he was too cowardly to appear in the studio.
Good. Regulus wouldn’t want to deal with him and Remus in the same place.
Remus hated Regulus, and Regulus thought that was funny, because of all of them Remus was what Regulus could best get along, if that whole situation was different.
Every time he took his eye off the guitar he saw James and Lily talking.
Pathetic, he thought.
Oh, he missed Barty, his friend now would be of good help.
“Mr. Black,” one of the girls who worked in the studio opened the door. “A man named Mulciber wants to talk to you, should I leave him waiting or hang up?”
Nikolai Mulciber was just another idiot who got in Regulus’ way.
Last night he was hateful and sad, unfortunately Mulciber entered his field of vision.
The guy was an idiot, who thought Regulus was an object of pleasure, just because he was a famous man.
Regulus had been punched by him.
Nothing too painful, Regulus had already felt worse things, but Mulciber seemed like the typical manipulative man. Very similar to Lucius Malfoy.
He just didn’t expect Regulus to be experienced with that kind of people.
“Turn it off, and block his number.” Regulus responds in a grumble.
“Who is Mulciber?” Peter asks, a girl, to whom Regulus didn’t even bother to know who she was had her legs thrown on top of him, the girl looked at Regulus with sparkles in her eyes.
“He sells cocaine to me.” Regulus lies, everyone widens their eyes except Remus who doesn’t seem to believe in that. “Why the curiosity?”
“Nothing, just-“ Peter started but James signalled him to be quiet. “What do you think about going out with us?”
Regulus laughed. "I think it's a terrible idea."
Peter shrugged and took the girl's hand. "We’re going eat Italian food today!" He said as if someone cared about that, so he left excitedly through the door.
"I'm going home," Remus announces, looking at Regulus from top to bottom. "I have important matters there."
Regulus smiles fake. "Send a kiss to my brother for me."
Remus didn't answer anything, he just left tapping his foot too angry to answer Regulus.
"We're the only ones left." Lily murmured. "I think I'm going too, I have to stop by my parents' house."
James seems to finally get out of his mind and look towards Lily. "Do you want company?"
The redhead denies it. "No, but thanks."
So she goes in the same direction as the others. Regulus lights a cigarette and offers the same to James, who accepts. Their fingers come into contact with each other quickly, James' skin is incredibly hot compared to Regulus'.
"Mulciber." James says.
"An idiot." Regulus responds by bringing the cigarette. "It's none of your business."
James takes the cigarette again and takes it to his lips. "Of course it's none of my enne of my account, but I can't even know what happened to your eye?"
"I got punched." Regulus replies shrugging his shoulders. "No big deal."
"Why?"
Regulus goes back to swallowing the cigarette that seconds before was in James' mouth. "You've already said it, I'm very annoying."
James seems to remember what he had said, he gives a shy laugh. "I never punched you because of that."
"I bet you already wanted to." Regulus answers looking towards the clock that was on the studio wall just above James' head, the time marked exactly eleven o'clock. "Is my brother okay?"
"Sirius?" James asks.
"As far as I know, I only have this one."
"Yes, as far as possible." James responds by shaking his head. "Do you remember what happened last night?"
Regulus laughed, because James wanted to know if he remembered the words the older one said last night. Regulus remembered, it was obvious that he remembered. Even using drugs since he was fourteen years old, at that time of his life he already knew how to deal with everything in his body.
So yes, he clearly remembered James saying he wanted to fuck him.
He remembered Sirius wanting to talk to him.
He remembered Mulciber getting angry when Regulus moaned James' name and not his, which caused Regulus to be punched after that.
They are such clear and direct memories inside your head.
"No, I don't remember anything." Regulus lies, he doesn't know for sure why he lied, but for the first time he thought that omitting that would be the right thing for James own good. "Why? Did I do something that I should regret?"
James sighs in relief. "Nothing happened, in fact I think I drank a lot, and must have said some things."
Regulus also knows that James is lying, but he doesn't say anything.
"The song is ready," Regulus says. "So we won't see each other every day anymore."
"Truth." James concludes. "We still have to do a promotion tour."
Regulus shrugged. "It won't last more than a week."
"How do you know?"
Lucius had told him last week, in one of his hidden encounters. Regulus had asked how long he would have to put up with James Potter and Lucius simply replied "All his life." It was there that Regulus realised that if the song exploded, he would have to put up with James and his brother for the rest of his life, whether in awards, promotions, or any interview.
That song would be a string linking Regulus to James Potter, forever.
"Lucius told me." Regulus answers by getting up from the armchair. "I know you'll miss me Potter, try not to cry while I'm not around."
James rolls his eyes. "I miss you? Not even in your dreams."
Regulus laughed, because he knew James was lying.
Maybe it was something of theirs, lying to each other was an addiction of the two.
"I don't know if I believe it." Regulus finally says. "Do you want to go have an ice cream?"
"It's eleven midnight and it's minus five degrees, do you want to go have ice cream?"
"It's taking or leaving Potter." Regulus hums leaving the studio, he doesn't even give three seconds and James appears on his side, with a big coat and a purple scarf around his neck. "Cool scarf."
James smiled when he heard that. "Thank you, my mother who knitted."
And then they leave towards the ice cream parlour.
…
The path was silent, with only the steps of each one being able to be heard. The snow melted, and with that autumn arrived. They took the ice cream and sat in the middle of the sidewalk, at a relatively large distance. James seemed to want to keep Regulus as far away as possible.
They just delighted the ice cream with the cold of the night, it's been a while since James had a night as atypical as that.
Regulus ate ice cream with his eyes closed, his cheeks were pink, especially his nose, his messy hair fell on his forehead, and the eyebrow piercing was completely hidden between his black strands.
"Did you lose something Potter?" He asks still with his eyes closed, licking his fingers dirty with ice cream.
Tempting.
"Nothing." James answers staring at his ice cream that at that time had already melted.
Regulus opens his eyes and gives a corner laugh. "For someone with a strong personality, your ice cream is a bit boring.'
"I like vanilla."
"No, you like to put candies and colourful sweets on vanilla ice cream." Regulus responds sarcastically. "Now everything has melted, it looks like unicorn vomit."
"Better than yours, where have you ever seen yourself liking dark chocolate ice cream?" James annoys him too.
Regulus raises his hand in surrender. "Leave my ice cream alone, I just don't understand why you like this disgusting thing so much."
When he was a child Fleamont used to take him for ice cream after his guitar lessons, his father taught him that with vanilla ice cream mixed with any other type of topping turned into a totally authorial ice cream, so James ate that way religiously since he was nine years old.
"My father, well, he kind of always ate like that and taught me too, it's not that tasty, but I don't know, it just reminds me of childhood."
Regulus makes a face. "If I were to eat something and remember my childhood, it's easier to take poison."
James laughs low. He forgot that Regulus and Sirius had the same creation, that is, for the first time James thought that the same things that Sirius suffered, Regulus had also suffered.
For the first time James felt sorry for Sirius' brother.
"Isn't there anything good you'd like to remember?"
Regulus rolled his eyes impatiently. "Don't play the sly Potter, don't be like you don't know."
"I'm not acting like I don't know, I know, and a lot. But the things I'm aware of are Sirius' vision, not yours."
"As if my stupid brother had good memories of that house." Regulus murmurs.
"Amazingly, he has it." James responds remembering the conversations he had had with Sirius a few weeks ago, about when Sirius cut Regulus' hair. "You must also have something."
Regulus took a deep breath. "I don't know, my best memory was when I left, this must be Sirius too, when he ran away to your house and left me there."
James denied it, because that was Sirius' worst memory, his friend for weeks cried for leaving Regulus behind, feeling guilty.
"What happened when you left?" James asks low.
Regulus is thoughtful. "It was in September, I had just turned eighteen, I had met Dorcas and the boys for some time, I was still at the beginning of the transition. My mother, well, she was messing with my things, privacy was never something she liked. Anyway, that's when she found some very gay things in my room, she completely freaked out, told me to go pray in one of the closets at home, I stayed there for two days reviewing my sins or a lest trying, after they let me out I just left, I never looked back again."
"What was the first thing you did? I say after you left?"
Regulus opened a sinister smile. "I stole fifty thousand pounds from my brother,"
"Did you steal Sirius?" James asks astonished.
"Our uncle Alpharad died and left a very fat inheritance for my pathetic brother, you were already famous and I just realised that he didn't need that, so I took it for myself."
"You could be arrested, did you know that?" James speaks.
Regulus shrugged. "Whatever, thanks to that money I pulled out everything I didn't like from my body and made a stock of lifelong hormones, my brother didn't even realise that the money was gone."
"That's still wrong."
"Only if they find out." Regulus answers smiling. "And it's not like that money makes a difference in someone's life."
"It's morally wrong."
"Have you ever done something ethically wrong in your life, Potter? Or was it always a grimace?"
James was quiet. There are certain things that James had done in his teenage days that he was not proud of.
After discovering his father's cancer, James simply lost his mind. He had already been in Regulus' place once, numbing himself with drugs, doing and saying what he wanted, acting as if nothing mattered.
In their last year, when the band was already on the axes to debut, James and Sirius had the brilliant idea of playing a prank, as a ritual of the last years at the school they attended, it was normal for older students to play a farewell prank.
Obviously James wanted to leave a legacy at school.
And well, he kind of did it.
Midnight, one day before graduation. James had the brilliant idea with Sirius and playing a trick on one of the students they hated, neither Peter nor Remus knew that, because deep down James and Sirius knew that if the other two friends knew, they would not accept to participate in the game.
Well, Snape was the chosen victim, a short boy with oily hair who had already made some racist comments about James and his family, he wasn't a saint but he also didn't deserve to have been a victim of his friends, James understood now, but his mind as an inconsequential young man about to debut in a rock band that already used a lot of drugs, James just didn't think.
Well, the prank obviously went wrong and Snape had to go to the hospital.
After that day James promised never to use any drugs again, or act as if his choices had no consequences.
He had done a lot of things he wasn't proud of, now he was trying to evolve, improve as a human being, because there wasn't a day in his life that he didn't blame himself for what he did to Snape that night.
"I've already done many things, which I regret to this day Regulus." James whispers.
"Oh, talking like that it even looks like you killed someone, I bet and the worst thing was to have stolen a cany from the bakery."
"No, I would never steal something!" James speaks fast making Regulus laugh.
"Right, of course. I should have already imagined that. Stealing is wrong, I'm going to hell."
"No, I didn't mean that you were wrong to take the money-"
Regulus interrupts him. "So you're saying I was right to steal from Sirius?"
"Not either! I still think there were other ways to get money-" James says and Regulus rolls his eyes.
"Don't fuck, how do you think an eighteen-year-old teenager could get money to have a mastectomy in this country? More hormone? This shitty country doesn't care about people like me James, don't act like I'm a villain for simply choosing to do something for me."
"That's not what I meant Regulus," James corrects himself. "I know you had to take tragic measures, and you weren't wrong to take the money, but ethically it's not right."
Regulus opens a cynical smile. "Fuck you I'm going to hell anyway, again don't act like you've never done anything wrong in life Potter, everyone makes mistakes, even you. You don't have to be perfect all the time, it's normal to have other feelings besides joy, you more than anyone need to know that."
James arched his eyebrow. How could Regulus Black act like that? How did he dare to think he knew James?
"Excuse me?"
"I've met people like you Potter, I may be younger, but I've lived a thousand different lives, much more than you." Regulus speaks closing his eyes again. "Life wasn't as generous with me as it was with you."
James made a face, not because he didn't understand what Regulus said, but because of the way he said it. As if he really knew James.
"It's complicated." James says staring at his feet.
"Feelings are shit man," Regulus says sighing loudly, the serene of the night made a white smoke come out of his mouth.
The two are silent again, sometimes some cars passed by but nothing too alarming.
When a thin noise began to come out in one of the bushes nearby, Regulus got up curiously and James followed him to the middle of the plants. As soon as they got close you can see a black kitten puppy, who miaowed euphorically still with closed eyes crying out for his mother, he was dirty and there was a slight bruise on his left ear, it is Regulus who takes the puppy on his lap, gently aligning against his chest.
"He must be a few weeks old," James says running his index finger on the head of the pussy who was still miaowing loudly. "Poor thing."
Regulus wrapped his thumb in the animal's thin hair. "He's malnourished, we should take him to a vet."
James was intrigued. "Yes, but where are you going to take him?" He says scratching behind the back of his neck lost.
"You don't need to come with me Potter, I don't need your help anyway."
James despaired while the kitten now purred on Regulus' lap. "No, I want to help." Regulus doesn't say anything, he just starts walking, as if he already knew where to go. "Do you know any veterinarian?"
"Yes." He answers without taking his eyes off the dark street.
"Right." James speaks. "Have you ever had pets before?"
"No." Regulus says fixing the kitten inside his sweatshirt in order to warm him up.
Adorable.
"Never felt like it?"
"Mom and Dad have always been restricted by this, but Sirius and I one day helped a baby bird that fell injured in our backyard, mom hated it, she always hated everything that could bring us joy." Regulus responds by snuggling the cat on his lap.
"Did the little bird at least get better?"
"When we wake up he was already dead." Regulus says laughing, as if that were a joke. "Sirius thought mom had killed him, but I don't think she would do that."
James was silent because he didn't know what to answer. Regulus spoke as if all his trauma was just a comic story of his life.
For the first time James saw him as a person, and not just as a Black.
It was weird to think that Regulus was someone with traumas just like Sirius.
That he felt sadness, joy, anger just like anyone else.
It was still strange.
Regulus Black had feelings.
"But deep down, what do you think happened?"
Regulus shrugged. "I think death is part of life, no matter how painful it may be, it's something inevitable. I was a child, but I already understood well."
"Was this your first contact with death?"
"No," Regulus replies disinterested in the subject. "I was seven years old when my grandmother on my mother's side died, a very vixen woman, by the way, died of a fulminant heart attack. I was forced to go to the funeral, the reception was at our house. I found it strange because since my mother found out about my grandmother's death she just hasn't shed a tear, I remember few things anyway." He begins to observe James. "And you, what was your first contact with death?"
It was a delicate issue, not only for James but for his entire family.
He was twelve years old and desperately asked his parents for a little brother, his mother was struggling with a major infertility problem, which had already made James' pregnancy very difficult. Even with the doctors' warnings, Euphemia really did everything to get pregnant again, and she really succeeded. Even though it was a high-risk pregnancy, she stood firm for eight months, when the baby was born prematurely.
Euphemia and Fleamont fought so hard for that little human being could survive, they really did everything that was within the reach of the two. James was a child at the time he cried because he couldn't see his little brother.
Unfortunately he didn't survive, his younger brother only managed to live for three weeks.
He still remembered crying at his brother's funeral, of Euphemia collapsing in Fleamont's arms, of how all that affected not only James but his parents as well.
Peter was there, holding James' hand the whole funeral.
Years later James met Sirius and Remus, it was as if his family was finally complete. Remus, Sirius and Peter were his brothers, not of blood, but people for whom James would give his life for.
"At twelve," he said feeling the lump in his throat, talking about it still hurt, even after so many years. "I had a brother, well, I was an older brother for only three weeks, he died, was born prematurely."
"Did he have a name?" Regulus question.
"Harry," James says feeling a sting in the belly when saying that loud name. "I chose it just before he passed away."
"I'm sorry, you know, for him." Regulus finally says.
"It's okay, now I have Peter, Remus and Sirius, they are my family." James says without thinking too well.
Regulus' feature changes completely when he hears James' speech.
James never thought about Regulus' feeling about Sirius.
He knew that his friend for a long time claimed hatred for his younger brother, but there was also a feeling of protection with Regulus. It was complicated feelings coming from a complicated person, James thought that not even Sirius could understand his own feelings.
But what about Regulus? Did Regulus hate Sirius? Did Regulus love Sirius?
They are questions with such simple answers but so difficult to get.
"Shit," Regulus says when he sees the veterinary building closed. "Damn Alice Fortescue."
"Alice?"
"Do you know her?" Regulus asks.
"I studied with her husband Frank, where do you know her from?"
"From past lives Potter," Regulus says. "Do you know where she lives?"
"An apartment on top of a music store, why? Do you want to go there?"
"Yes." Regulus speaks without blinking his eyes.
"Regulus is one in the morning, she must be sleeping."
"She’s not," Regulus replies, starting to walk again. "Alice never sleeps, let's go Potter show me the way."
James doesn't know why but he does what Regulus tells him.
...
It's half past two in the morning when James knocks on the door of Longbottom's small apartment. Who answers is Frank, scratching his eyes wearing only a white tank top, he yawns before recognising who was standing there outside his apartment so late at night.
"James, what the fuck are you doing here?" Frank asks not understanding very well what was happening. "And who is Sirius' lookalike?"
"I'm Regulus, Sirius' brother." Regulus answers before James can open his mouth. "Is Alice there?"
"What the fuck are you doing at my door at two in the morning?"
"Animal emergency," James replies. "Is Alice there?"
Frank throws his arms up as if he gave up on the subject, he enters the apartment and who returns in his place is Alice. Unlike Frank, she seems to be much more awake, her belly was huge.
James dreamed for a life just like Frank and Alice's, he thought that when everything got on track, he would have all that.
Someday.
"If it's not my least favourite Black," Alice says smoothing her belly. "James."
"Hi, Alice." James answers.
"Come on Fortescue, don't pretend you're sad to see me."
"I thought you were dead." Alice speaks, her voice was a mixture of anger and sadness.
Regulus opens a hideous smile. "I was for three minutes. The three best minutes of my life."
Alice pushes him. "Narcissa called me, crying saying about-"
"Don't fall for my cousin little talk Fortescue, she's a poisonous and treacherous snake." Regulus answers seriously. "But I didn't come here to talk about my near death, or how strange it is for you to continue to have contact with your ex-girlfriend."
Ex-girlfriend?
Almost death?
What the fuck was going on there?
"What do you want Black?" Alice asks.
Regulus removes the sleeping kitten from inside his sweatshirt, it was so tiny that it fit in Regulus' palm.
"My God, he's tiny."
Regulus laughs from the corner. "I bet Potter here listens to this a lot."
"What the fuck-" James says dumbfounded. "Fuck off Black."
"Okay, right." Alice picks up the kitten and enters the apartment. Regulus doesn't expect an invitation, he just follows her, James not wanting to be alone, walks to the two. "Why are you together? This is very weird, showing up at my house at two in the morning with a cat, alone."
"We are working on a collaboration, we left the studio late so we decided to have ice cream," James explains. "and we found him on the street."
Alice, who keeps caressing the little kitten, seems to believe in the story. "Well, he's fine, some worms and this ear may have some infection, other than that everything is fine. If you want you can leave it here, Frank and I have to keep our heads busy while Neville doesn't come."
"A week?" Regulus asks, Alice nods. "Right, in a week I'll come get little Vanilla."
"Did you name the cat?" James asks curiously.
"No, I named my imaginary dog," Regulus replies sarcastically. "Obviously it was to the cat idiot."
"In all these years you're still a little shit." Alice speaks. "After I help this cat, never come back Black."
Regulus rolls his eyes and walks to the exit. "As if I wanted to keep some contact with you." Then he leaves, leaving the door open for James apparently.
Alice faces James again. "If I were you, I would end what you have, for your own good."
"Why?" James is tempted to ask.
"People like Regulus usually destroy the lives of everyone around them."
James nods his head. "What do you mean you thought he was dead?"
"Didn't he tell you?" Alice asked. "Regulus has demons inside him. Demons that even he can't control himself. The guy is a time bomb, just be careful okay?"
James nods his head.
Time bomb.
He would like to learn more about the demons present in Regulus Black's life.