wind
You take my hand and hold it gently up against your cheek
It's all in my head, it's all in my mind
I see the darkness where you see the light
It's all in my head, who do I trust?
I thought that you loved me, what is happening to us?
Black Friday, Tom Odell
The person you are calling is currently unavailable. Please leave your message after the tone. Press the hash key when finished, or hang up to end the call.
“Hey Remus, it’s me. I-um.. I know I’m not supposed to be calling right now but I’m not doing very well and… I was just wondering… if- huh, do you remember that day at your parents’ house?”
Sirius' fingers twist around the blanket as she takes in a shaky breath.
“I was so nervous to wake up and find you gone because the minute I stepped out into the garden all attention would be on me and I- I didn’t want to seem like the lazy type that sleeps in all day. And your parents- your parents they were so wonderful and I’m pretty sure I looked all mushed up from sleep but as soon as I stepped out you had this… this look on your face. You just- the way you looked at me and pulled me close to you. You asked me how I’d slept, remember? I remember it quite well.”
A slight hitch of breath, and a silent sob escapes her lips but it’s too late to even try to conceal it.
“You kissed my cheek and tucked my hair behind my ear as Hope fussed over me. You were too busy telling her that I was perfectly capable of choosing my own breakfast to see the way I was looking at you. Maybe it was the same way I always do, I couldn’t know, but it somehow felt different. It was so… domestic and warm that day and you looked like… well, you. Which is a wonder in itself because you’re wonderful, always. Always so- god, so beautiful all bathed in sunlight but…But you looked- you were so-”
Another sob escapes her, making her aware of the wetness rolling down her cheeks.
“You looked like the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
She takes a deep breath in a vainful attempt to compose herself before speaking again.
“You loved me. You loved me so well, and I could feel it, and I don’t think I’ve ever been loved like this in my life and I- you- you’re- you were my best friend and my absolute favourite person.”
Sirius’s hand moves to her heart, gripping the fabric of Remus’ forgotten jumper as if it could ever dull the unbearable pain of his absence.
“You are my favourite person. And- and my best friend but I’m alone in bed and- Remus you're not here. I don’t understand why you’re not here but, Remus… please can- could you come over? I need y- I need to talk to you and… and see your face, please. Please, could you- come over. Remus, just- please. Come…”
The tell-tale sound of the line cutting echoes in the room as Sirius abandons the phone to the empty pillow next to her, borrowing her face in her hands as sobs fill the grave silence of the room that she once shared with the love of her life, the only source of warmth to her shaking body being a heavy blanket that smells of green tea and heartbreak.
And that’s that.
~
“Why didn’t you wake me up?!” Sirius exclaimed, making Remus laugh as they walked past more cottages made of stone and ivy, making their way through flowers and grass.
Breakfast had been wonderful and as soon as the plates were empty Remus whisked her off with plans to show her the small village he’d grown up to.
“Because it was early, you were tired and I wanted you to rest, plus you looked all sweet drooling on my pillow.”
Sirius huffed indignantly, very confident in her ability to sleep gracefully. Maybe.
“How embarrassing did I look walking out in my pyjamas? Be honest.”
“Oh, please!” Remus chuckled, “She loves you more than me at this point.”
“Don’t say that, your mother adores you.” Sirius says, tugging at his hand as they walk side by side.
“Doesn’t matter. My mam has claimed you, you are now the favourite.”
Warmth spreads in Sirius’ chest when she recalls how sweet and welcoming Hope had been the previous evening. She’d even braved spending some alone time with her baking while Lyall was showing Remus his new creations made out of carved wood. It didn’t take long to see where Remus took his mischievous streak from, or the kindness in his eyes.
“Well, if someone had woken me up then I would have talked you up. Help you reclaim your spot as the number one.”
“Oh, really?” Remus stops, a playful smile on his lips as he pulls Sirius close in the middle of the small path.
The sun is hitting the side of his face just right, creating a pool of warm hues and freckles. Sirius melts.
“What would you have said?” He asks now, eyes narrowed in mock-suspicion.
“I guess you missed the opportunity to find out.” Sirius shrugs, playing along, elated at the feeling of Remus laughing on the skin of her right shoulder where he rests his forehead. He places a small kiss there, and another on her cheek before he stands up straight.
“Come on, love. I have so much to show you.” He says, and they start walking again.
‘I would’ve told her how much I love the sight on my hand enveloped in yours. How right it feels to be held by your love.’ Sirius thinks as she glances at their hands, intertwined. She smiles, a small secret one as they walk, and her thumb taps against the back of Remus’ hand three times.
~
Sirius is out of the bed in a second.
Stupid, stupid, stupid .
They shouldn't have done that, they shouldn’t have called Remus in the middle of the night. It was selfish and stupid and God, what if he’d heard it?
She couldn’t keep him from listening to it, could she? She sure as hell couldn’t turn back time, it was too late now. Maybe she could call the phone company and they could erase it. Was that even a thing?
This was so wrong, she thinks as she rushes to the closet to find a coat. So, so wrong.
Remus had been clear, being in this relationship was too much, of course Sirius was too much and she was only making things worse by calling and leaving him pathetic messages. She had no business bothering him and showing no respect whatsoever to his wishes.
Sirius rushes to the front door where she keeps her shoes as the panic in her chest is rising along with the bitter feeling of regret that gnaws at her.
She needs to go out, take a breath and calm down. Gain some perspective. She can’t call James since it’s late and she doesn’t want to wake Harry up. He and Lily need all the rest they can get while raising a baby.
Besides, she’s made enough phone calls for one night.
Maybe Remus won’t listen to the message.
That was a possibility.
Remus often forgot to check since he was never big on phones, and who’s to say that even if he did listen to it he’d actually take the time to call Sirius back.
Of course, Sirius thinks as she grabs his wallet and keys, wrappings her scarf tightly around her neck, maybe Remus won’t care at all.
~
The town had been beautiful
It was all cobblestones, the greenery and small stream of water running through the village blending in beautifully with the mediaeval character of the town .
Remus showed her where he went to school, the tree he smoked his first cigarette under and the house of old Arabella, whose cats he used to take care of for some extra cash.
Sirius took everything in with rapt attention, loving every little glimpse into Remus’ younger years. Every nook and cranny of this city that shaped him into the man she loves.
It had been a lovely day, the new handmade necklace around her neck a testament to that. They’d taken a stroll around the main square where the Sunday market was held, Remus greeting everyone behind the wooden makeshift counters by name. The townsfolk were beyond friendly and welcomed Sirius like she was one of them, and the day only got better as soon as Remus caught a glimpse of a small jewellery stand.
He insisted on getting her something, a small gift to remember this day. Sirius couldn’t get the words out that there was nothing that could make her forget it.
Still, she indulged Remus and decided on a beautiful necklace full of tiny grey stones that resemble stars and matched her eyes. In return, they bought Remus a small ring in the shape of a crescent moon.
Now they were home, making a brief stop upstairs to Remus’ old bedroom before they’d have to join his parents for lunch.
“I’m so tired.” Remus stretched before face-planting on the bed.
“That’s what you get for waking up too early.” Sirius says, hanging her bag on the back of Remus’ desk chair.
“Hey,” He says, and for a second his voice sounds muffled before he turns to lay on his side, resting on his right elbow “come here for a second.”
Sirius’ smiles at the soft request, moving closer and sitting next to where his body is sprawled out.
“Hey.” Sirius says, using her hand to brush Remus’ curls away from his forehead.
“Hi, my love.” He sighs, closing his eyes at the feel of Sirius’ affectionate touch. It’s not long before Sirius is met with hazel, this time worry etched on his face. “You didn’t really mind about this morning, did you?”
“No.” Sirius shakes her head, because even though she did, it was minute and she’d never hold a grudge over such a silly thing. Remus’ heart was in the right place, and he was right, she did need to rest. “I didn’t mind. I’m just teasing you.”
“Good.” He says decisively. Sirius reaches over and runs her thumb between his eyebrows to smooth out his frown, making Remus smile. He lifts one arm and pulls her closer by her waist, making her lay down right next to him as he envelopes her in a hug. “I never want you to feel anything but comfortable.”
“I know.” Sirius says quietly, her eyes slipping closed at the feel of Remus’ lips pressing against her forehead. The familiarity and warmth of his body tugs at her heartstrings like a melody playing out.
“I’m here for you, always, anything.”
Sirius lifts her face from where it was resting on his chest to face him, her palm making her way to his cheek, thumb stroking along his scars. “I know.”
There’s kindness in his eyes, something earnest and familiar, something Sirius knows all too well, making her heart beat faster each time she meets amber, soft lips brushing against hers in an attempt to taste and pour all the love found there.
“Good.” Remus says, and in a second the spell is broken. He manages to flip them, his body landing on top of hers as he attacks the side of her neck with kisses and her waist with soft pinches of his fingers.
“Remus! Remus-oh my God! Stop-stop you menace!”
Suddenly the room is filled with Sirius' laughter, fueled by Remus’ love.
~
Sirius had never been more thankful to live in the city because there’s always a 24-hours-open store near her home.
This is the one she’d frequent with Remus at nights when they were too wired to fall asleep and would make a short trip to buy more snacks and maybe even try a new flavour out of their big variety of organic tea selection.
In reality, though, Sirius just loved the domesticity of roaming the aisles with Remus, pushing the cart as she made silly suggestions just to see him roll his eyes affectionately.
Now she was alone, sans cart or Remus’ spark to keep her bright as she made a beeline for the ice creams, trying not to look around too much lest her mind decided to mistake a stranger’s figure from something painfully familiar, from straying into thoughts of honey, green tea and left messages.
Good, yes, that was good. Flavours, a lot of them.
Sirius spent more time than necessary, trying to choose between cookie dough flavour and something espresso with chocolate chips but ended up buying both and a few more chocolate bars. Remus’ favourite, but that’s beside the point.
She moved to the till, not before grabbing a small pack of pop-corns on her way, and gave the employee a watery smile in exchange for her concerned look. Sirius didn’t think she must be very convincing but it’s okay.
It didn’t really matter. She just wanted to go home and hide under her blankets, mourn the loss of a warm body tangled up in hers, setting her alight.
~
The break-up had been.. Well, if you asked her she wouldn’t be able to give you a reason.
It was slow and gradual. Like a flickering, dying flame.
Remus had been quite busy these past few months, what with trying to finish his doctorate and all. It was hours spent in the library doing research, more hours in front of a laptop, finishing one cup of tea after the other while Sirius brought him snacks, sandwiches and a kiss as a reminder to eat.
She remembers one day she’d walked in from work to find him on the sofa, eyes tired and fingers typing away furiously as two heavy maroon tomes were laid open next to him. There was a frown on his face, and two empty mugs along with another full one on the coffee table but no plate in sight. Sirius had sighed fondly and placed the bag of takeaway chinese on the kitchen island, taking out the containers full of steaming chow mein, fried chicken and dumplings.
They’d walked quietly, not wanting to disturb him as she ran her fingers through his curls. Remus had responded to the touch instantly, tilting his head back and letting his eyes drop closed, lips parting in an exhale.
“Hi, my love.”
“Hi.” Sirius said, bending down slightly over the back of the sofa to place a kiss on his disarrayed curls. “I brought us food.”
“Mmm. Thank you.”Remus let out another exhale before reaching for Sirius’ hand, the one stroking his hair, and bringing it closer as he turned his face to place a soft kiss at the palm of her hand.
Sirius had felt his heart melt, a warmth spreading inside their chest at the sweet display of affection that was Remus’ loving touch.
It had been a perfect night. They ate on the sofa, sitting close to each other as they chose a movie to watch. Sirius had convinced him that he’d done enough work for today and needed the night to rest and clear his mind. Remus didn’t even protest at that, an obvious sign of exhaustion, how much his dissertation was taking a toll on him. After the movie ended they’d gone through their routine of getting ready for bed, Remus slipping under the covers first and pulling Sirius close to him. She shivered, the sudden warmth of Remus’ body soothing her cold limbs as she borrowed her face in the crook of his neck, taking him in.
It was all soft kisses, loving, tired eyes and gentle caresses that carried every beat of their hearts. Every ounce of that something spilling from their souls, pulling them closer and closer, tied to each other.
It had been perfect, being bathed in Remus’ touch, his gaze raw and honest as he worshipped her skin, leaving his mark behind with each pass of his lips. Sirius had felt like a God then, beautiful and untouchable. The way he looked at her, pools of honey holding such intensity, laying his fierce adoration on her so gently. Sirius loved who she was under his eyes, wanting to never feel them stray but also hide from them all at once.
It was perfect, it was love that carried beyond mortality, through lives and souls and something innate in spirit that transcended, but found expression in the touch of hot skin, painted by mouths and panting breaths.
It had been perfect, waking up to mushy cheeks, heavy eyes and sleepy smiles.
The problems started a few weeks after that.
It didn’t seem like a problem at first. Sirius was invited to a dinner party at Andy’s home, but when she told Remus he’d regretfully announced that he couldn’t go since he had a deadline of two days to send his third draft to his supervisor. Despite Sirius’ protests, he’d insisted that Sirius should go, have fun and catch up with Andy. It was okay, there’d be more dinners, Remus had said.
Sirius would have loved for Remus to come, relax and have a fun night, but she understood that he needed to work and have an early night in, so in the end she went alone.
She was glad she did, after. She’d missed little Nymph and the warmth that enveloped her whenever she walked in Andy’s and Ted’s home felt oddly like home.
But it happened again. Remus had turned down a night at the pub this time.
He’d hit a rough spot, Sirius knew. She’d offered to help, but Remus had declined with a gentle smile, saying that he didn’t want to bother Sirius with all that.
The anxiety had gotten the best of him, making him work even harder, sometimes even forgetting to drink his tea as Sirius would find the mug full and cold, sitting there forgotten.
Sirius didn’t push it, of course, opting to leave Remus to his own devices without stressing him any further. He’d insisted for her to go, once again turning down her offers to help.
Sirius had tried to swallow down the feeling of hurt, her own insecurities mocking her that Remus preferred being alone than having Sirius near him during his period of stress. It was just her own agitation shining through, it had been a tense few weeks after all.
She still remembers Remus’ tired smile as he told her to have fun and pass on his greetings to the rest of their friends.
Sirius wanted to take him from the arm and drag him with her, in the pub to have fun or the bed to put him to sleep she didn’t know. She just didn’t want to see the worry lines on his face illuminated by the laptop screen. She wanted to take his burden, soothe his frown with a kiss and massage his tense shoulders.
But she didn’t. She gave him a smile of her own, trying to mask her worry and walked out the door.
The next time Sirius didn’t tell him about the plans.
It was planned after work, and Sirius needed to wind down after. Something about a big order, a demanding client who leaned on the ‘too much’ side of being rude. They didn’t want to upset Remus and burden him with their own stress and she was pretty sure that if she called Remus would be too tired to meet her downtown. There was a lingering guilt in her that evaporated after two glasses of wine and came back the minute she walked inside their bedroom.
Her bedside lamp was still on, signalling that Remus had been waiting for her before he inevitably fell asleep. The thought along with the rise and fall of Remus’ chest with each soft breath brought forth a strange kind of ache.
Sirius had tried not to linger on it as she got ready for bed, even when she slipped under the blankets to lay next to Remus, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before laying down on her side, his arms immediately seeking her and wrapping around her waist.
“Good morning sleepyhead.” Remus greeted the next morning. Sirius walked in the kitchen, rubbing the sleep away from her eyes, uncomfortable at the feel of the cold hardwood floor under her bare feet.
“Mmm.” Sirius groaned and moved headfirst towards him, Remus wrapping his arms around her with a fond chuckle.
“I’m making breakfast.” Remus said, his lips resting on Sirius’ forehead as she hid in his warm embrace.
“Thank you.” Sirius sighed, placing a kiss on the side of his neck before moving back on her mission to go find the fluffiest socks known to man. “Need socks.” She mumbled grumpily, turning to place one last kiss on Remus’ lips for good measure. He lightly tapped his palm on her bum as she went, sending a small smile on her lips before his voice made her stop in her tracks.
“Hey, where were you last night?” Remus asked, his voice loud enough to reach Sirius in case she was back in their bedroom. His body language was relaxed, already turned around to mend to the eggs on the stove.
“We had some drinks with people from work.” Sirius explained, tucking her hair behind her ears, a sign of nervousness. “I’d call you, but I thought you might be tired-”
“That’s okay my love.” Remus said, turning around, an easy smile playing on his lips. “Did you have fun?”
“Yeah.” Sirius nodded, trying to tuck her perfectly tucked hair behind her ears. “It was nice.”
“Good.” Remus’s smile was genuine, his eyes full of that familiar warm they held whenever they looked at Sirius. “Now go, go put on some socks,” He made a gesture with his hands, urging Sirius to go on with their task at hand “breakfast is almost ready.”
Sirius smiled and watched. Watched as Remus turned around, humming as he reached for the salt and pepper.
His bed head was all over the place, fluffy curls swaying this way and that as he bobbed his head. The sleeves of his jumps were frayed and long, covering the knuckles on his hands and falling loosely on the waistline of his plaid pyjama pants. His socks had a small hole on the side, and Sirius was hit by a sudden wave of sickening affection for the domesticity of it all, at the sight of warm, soft, sleepy Remus in their kitchen making them breakfast with his gentle eyes and smooth voice.
Sirius crossed the kitchen in a second, wrapping her arms around his waist from behind and laying her head on the expansion of his back.
“Oh, hi.” She heard Remus chuckle and soon one of his hands was placed upon hers around his waist, his thumb stroking her skin.
“I love you.” Sirius said, because there wasn’t anything more true than this. Anything that fits better the emotion swelling in her chest.
“I love you too.” Remus said, the smile audible in his voice.
Sirius clung to him for a bit longer, sighing at the electrifying feel that was Remus’ body moving with each of his breaths.
Eventually, she placed another kiss on his back, and moved to fetch some socks.
It was the last time they’d tell each other they loved them.
Weeks went on, along with Remus’ workload and Sirius’ frustration.
Remus worked harder and Sirius went out more, not bothering to entice Remus away from the source of all his anxieties.
There were nights when Remus would wait for her, the gentle smile greeting her. But this too melted into surprise which in turn morphed into frowns. As time went on Remus wouldn’t wait, and later he wouldn’t even ask where she’d been.
If Sirius told him, he'd just give a vague answer like ‘I hope you had fun’ and that would be it.
The more Remus closed off the more Sirius felt unwanted. The more she felt unwanted, the more she needed to be out of the house to avoid the sadness in Remus’ eyes.
Remus had not asked to go out and in return Sirius never offered.
It kept happening, more and more, Sirius needing reassurance and seeking it in wine bars and dinners with friends. It kept happening until Sirius was missing the body laying next to her in bed, feeling as if the planes of his body and the beating of his heart were something distant and unreachable.
They kept straying from each other, more and more.
Until Remus' workload had subsided, but their distance had amplified to a point of no return.
Then it was silent.
Each time she went out she found herself longing for Remus’ hand on her thigh under the table, his smile turning dazed after a drink or two, carefree kisses tasting of desire.
Sirius wanted to reach him, shake him and kiss his worry away, but had no idea how. Wanted to tell him that this course wasn’t everything, he needed the break, he needed to take a step back.
But she couldn’t do that.
Sirius refused to put more pressure on Remus, sparking a guilt inside him for Sirius’ displeasure. His absence hurt more than Sirius could bear, her escapism only working to push them further apart.
So Sirius settled for missing him.
She missed the flush of his cheeks, the bright eyes taking her in and the hands caressing her. His skin like ambrosia, the overwhelming elation that came with Remus’ lips mapping out her body like a prayer. She missed honey between her fingers, arms embracing her and moonlight.
“You’re going out?” Remus asked, which was new since Sirius hadn’t been on the receiving end of that question for nearly a month. He was sitting on the sofa, turned to the side to take a look at Sirius who was moving towards the entrance hall to put on her coat.
The silence had been deafening and her skin had been itching to reach for Remus’ laptop and shut it closed. She wanted to climb on his lap and kiss him, kiss him, kiss him, feel him like she hadn’t in weeks.
So Sirius opted for coffee with James.
“Yeah.” Sirius said, caught by surprise “I’m having coffee with James.” I want you to come. Please ask-
“Are you leaving now?” Was the following question, his voice quiet.
“Yeah. I’m meeting him in-”
“Won’t you kiss me?” Sirius felt frozen, pausing at the obscurity of the question until realisation dawned. When was the last time they had shared a kiss?
The inability to come up with a satisfying answer brought a lump in her throat that made it hard to swallow, even harder to breathe. When did the prospect of kissing Remus shift from being the source of all contentment to being dreadful?
“Of course.” Sirius’ voice was barely audible as she audibly swallowed, moving quietly towards the back on the sofa, bending over to place a chaste kiss on Remus’ lips.
What once felt like breathing was choking her, bringing her aching heart to a hammering pace and tightening the knot in her stomach. It felt stiff, forced by the tension that lacked its usual glow.
She wasn’t sure if the shaky breath was hers or Remus’, but as she pulled back and met Remus’ eyes she found that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter when what she was met with was a sight that broke her heart upon sight.
Remus was pleading.
His eyes bore sadness that Sirius didn’t think was possible, desperation etched in the downturn of his lips as his eyes glimmered with unshed tears. Expecting, begging, trying to communicate something that Sirius’ was unable to understand from underwater, drowning and drawing in the shipwreck of their realm.
He wanted to ask but couldn’t voice it. Wanted to cry but her agony wouldn’t reach. The longer Sirius looked, the more Remus was backtracking. He frantically searched, tried to pull him back, close, close, closer… as Remus closed off.
Until it faded completely, leaving in its wake a blank look, the only sign of feeling’s presence, the moisture now catching the blue light of the computer screen as it rolled down his cheek.
“Have fun.” Was the last thing Remus said, turning back to the open document on the screen, the tiny cursor mocking him.
Sirius felt at loss, begging, begging for amber to take her in its warmth, hold her and make everything okay. She longed, achingly, for words, any words other than ‘Have fun’. A voice asking her to stay, making her feel anything other than what she was currently feeling; deeply unwanted.
She wanted Remus to turn around, so she could stomp her foot like a child. She wanted to kiss him like she knew him at his core, like something familiar at the end of the world, meeting her soul’s match under silver and gold. She wanted warm panting breath, cries of pleasure, vulnerability, pure eros. Remus at his most raw, nothing but dripping honey, glistening with love, freckles and scars carved from Gods.
Sirius wanted, desperately, for Remus to turn around, see the evidence of need in his eyes so she could tell him how much she loved him.
Instead, Sirius walked out, closing the door softly as the sound of typing on keyboard covered both hers and Remus’ hitching breaths.
The next morning Remus’ bags were packed, hair sticking everywhere as he ran his hands through it furiously, regarding her with bloodshot eyes while he sat there claiming he couldn’t do this anymore.
He couldn’t hold Sirius back anymore nor ache for enduring the pain of their growing apart.
Sirius didn’t think she was growing. It felt like wilting, withering, dying.
They were different, hence wanting different things.
Sirius still wanted Remus, and that was a constant if she ever knew one.
Sirius had raised her voice, something about Remus bailing that she was sure she’d regret were she to hear herself in a sober state.
Remus had just shook his head, his mouth forming into a grimace as he tried to fight with his vulnerability. Sirius wished he wouldn’t.
Maybe then she could’ve found it in herself to ask him to stay.
Maybe in another life Remus’ eyes did not lack their unadulterated affection. Maybe there was an amber blaze in the pools of his heart , keeping Sirius warm, instead of grief over something tarnished and already abandoned that still carried Sirius’ claw marks all over it.
Maybe Remus didn’t get up, walk towards the front door without looking back, closing the heavy door behind him softly.
Just as softly as Sirius’ socked feet carried her to their bed, collapsing in the heap of sheets that still carried the scent and warmth of an absent body.
Pain sent her reeling, painting the pillows with unyielding love as the ghost of it haunted every chamber of her heart.
Sirius thinks it takes a lot of guts to walk out of a dying relationship, the flickering flame that mocks them for reaching that point. For all her bravery, Sirius could never walk away from Remus. He did it, in the end. He leaned closer to the flame, dimming by the second and blew it off, the glow turning to darkness as Sirius descended.
She thinks there’s something poetic in the way Remus will own her heart forever in the palm of his hands. Remus loved poetry. What happens after a star falls?
Their light is lost, for one. Sirius doesn’t think it matters what happens after. She’s lost her glow and there doesn’t seem to be anything significant following. Nothing follows loss, just the love that perseveres making the pain forever present in a never ending cycle.
~
Sirius cursed as she tried to dig in the pocket of her coat for the keys, fingers frozen from both the unforgiving cold of the evening and the family ice-cream packs currently balanced quite precariously in her arms along with the rest of the snacks.
She huffed, trying to blow the strands of hair currently obstructing her view away from her face. And, now one of the ice-cream packs had fallen on the wet sidewalk. Perfect .
After a bit of struggle, and a series of curses under her breath, Sirius straightened up and crossed the road to the dark red door of her small townhouse. She looked for the right key, a little success when everything remained in perfect balance when a voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Sirius, fuck.”
And Sirius froze.
She lifted her head without much time to actually process the tone of the voice, the relief and worry in equal parts, ears ringing with repetitions of Remus, Remus, Remus.
And there he was, standing in front of her door.
He looked… beautiful, in a way. In every way.
The first thing Sirius noticed was the worry on his face. Brows furrowed adorably, eyes frantically taking her in. Then, the flush, on the bridge of his nose and cheeks, a common occurrence whenever it was cold. The brown coat that belonged to Lyall, a scarf that was a gift from Lily, his shoes that belonged at Sirius’ front door next to hers, and… a beanie.
“I- just. I was in the shower and- then you called but I didn’t- that’s why I didn’t answer. And then I called back, but the line didn’t go through so I came here, but you weren’t. I mean, the bell, I rang and knocked but you didn’t-”
His voice fades for a second as Sirius takes him in. The beanie. Remus didn’t usually wear beanies. Sirius herself loved them on him, but he claimed that his curls were more often than not in disarray and didn’t need the added mess that came with a hat. But his curls were peeking out from under it, and they looked darker, less frizzy and soft, the streetlight not reflecting, but instead falling flat. And then his words registered.
‘I was in the shower’
And isn’t that just the problem?
Sirius, in all her pain and sorrow, blinded by it, coming down to one thing: being selfish. Because there Remus is, at the first cry for help, running to her doorstep in winter cold right after taking a shower, the selfless, impossible, lovely idiot. Of course, it narrows down to this.
It narrows down to Sirius disrespecting Remus’ wishes if only to mend her broken heart just a little, just to have some outlet for the overwhelming amounts of love and regret she carries. But Remus doesn’t want to be there, does he? He doesn’t want to be there because he left. He left because he was unhappy and here Sirius is dragging him back because she knew he would come. She knew Remus like the palm of her own hand, like the texture of her skin, like the rhythm of her own breathing.
Remus was kind. Remus was helpful, just like Hope. He would go out of his way to assist you even if he was suffering himself, but it didn’t matter. Remus struggled to put himself first sometimes, and Sirius knew that, and now there she was, taking advantage of it. She was taking advantage of what she had tried to make Remus unlearn, taking the rope and pulling him right back in.
The hurt was evident, in the dark circles adorning his face and the fatigue carried in his eyes. It was bound to happen, because a break-up always hurts, in a way or another. But Remus was unhappy. He was unhappy and Sirius has no clue what she was except from missing him when he was right there next to her, similar to now, standing only a few feet away, Sirius is filled with longing. There’s a sense of relief at seeing him in the flesh, so lovely and sad, and familiar in front of her, that she feels like letting out a breath that has been choking her.
But she doesn’t allow herself that relief, because it’s undeserving.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius said, a quiet thing that’s almost lost in the wind.
Remus deflated a bit, his lips downturned as he shook his head.
“No, Sirius, no-”
“I’m sorry, I should not have done that-”
“No.” He shook his head again, taking a step closer. For a second there, Sirius thought she caught his hands moving, as if seeking her out, cupping her face like they used to when he wanted to knock some sense into her. Like he wanted her to really listen to him when everything was getting too loud and making Sirius spiral. But his palms just clenched on his sides, holding back, like he should have. “I was just worried.”
“I know.” Sirius whispered.
He grimaced, looking everything but her for a second before sighing. “You- you said… Did you mean it?”
Sirius’ hold on her groceries tightened, as if seeking for a sort of tether on reality.
“Did you mean what you said about… I just need to- I need to know if- Are you okay?”
I meant everything, Sirius wanted to say.
You were my person, and you will always be, Sirius wanted to say.
And you weren’t there, and you still are not, and I want to be oblivious as to why but now everything is becoming so clear that all along the reason was me. And I’m embarrassed, and hurting, and incredibly selfish for pulling you back when all you wanted was to get away from me, and I’m ashamed for all of it. I should be better than that if only to just live up to the version of me you loved, Sirius wanted to say.
But I still need you, Sirius didn’t say.
“I think you should go.” Came out instead.
Remus looked as if he’d been punched.
“What?”
“I really think you should go.”
She stared at her shoes, not bearing to see the look on Remus’ face lest her resolve crumbles all over again. It’s what’s best for the both of them.
“Sirius…”
“It was” She began, huffing a humourless laugh,”stupid of me to call you.” Her breath came out shaky as she tried to keep staring at her laces that were now swimming in a small puddle on the sidewalk.
“I’m embarrassed and so sorry. It was just-” She took a deep breath, trying to release the pressure that was building up in her chest. “A moment of weakness.”
“It wasn’t stupid.” Remus said, quietly, and in an instant Sirius was terrified to see that the dullness in his eyes had sparked right up with tears.
“I promise you, I will never do it again.” Sirius continued, her voice thick with her own tears that she desperately tried to stave off until she was in the safety of her lonely house. “I will call James or something.” She chuckled, a wet nasty thing that resembled an attempt at joking. It fell flat.
“Call James.” He repeated, eyes starring, chest moving ever so slightly in a hitched breath that Sirius felt in her own chest.
Sirius hugged everything closer, the frozen ice-cream package now digging into her ribs painfully.
“I,” Sirius began, biting her lip around a sob and concealing it with a very unconvincing watery smile, “I called because I needed- I knew you would come. And I shouldn’t have because you left and- and I should respect that.”
“I didn’t…”
“I will respect that. This is the last time I’m bothering you with… anything, really. I promise.” Sirius assured, nodding along to convince both of them that it was the right thing to do, all while her heart was breaking, jumping up to lodge in her throat and choke her. The ice-cream dug further into her ribs.
Remus breathed in, shaking and heavy with Sirius’ hurt all over again. “Right,” He nodded, fists clenching.
Sirius moved, walking closer to her front door until she stopped right next to him.
She breathed in, trying to desperately catch a whiff of his shampoo, anything that used to wrap herself in and make her giddy, but the wind was too strong, and the scent of burnt wood was dominating the air of anything Remus .
His lips parted in an exhale, eyes so unbearably sad that Sirius almost reached out to him. To pull him close, to kiss him, to comfort the pain she put there all over again. But she didn’t.
She adjusted her grip on her comfort food that now felt heavy and mocking, until she reached into her right pocket, taking one of the chocolate bars, Remus’ favourite, out and offering it to him. An ironic peace offering to sweeten the pain, is what it looked like.
But it was something else that Sirius tried to tell him entirely.
Remus’ breath hitched, face scrunching up as his face crumbled, tears spilling from his eyes as he looked at the bar in Sirius’ hand. He took it, eyes finding Sirius’ instantly in a plea, all warmth and glistening with more tears to come, his breathing in sync with Sirius’ heartbeat.
Sirius thought he understood everything.
She took him in one last time, not knowing if she would ever be allowed this close. Close enough, to separate the moles that usually blended in with the freckles. To see the flush of winter on his face, the downturned lips and sad eyes filled with unrelenting warmth. The slow blink of wet lashes, throat moving with each shaking breath, the exhale of a warm breath that evaporated between them before Sirius had time to taste it.
There was no laughter now, or sun to bathe under, or Welsh countryside- or even a shared blanket on the sofa, a series playing in the background as Sirius stole the shrimp from Remus’ noodles and he pushed her away with a kiss.
“Goodnight, Remus.” Sirius whispered, the words fading into the night as she moved past him, aware of Remus’ warmth only as she stepped away from it towards her front stairs.
It was just them under the streetlights, sans pulse, just meeting one last time to shatter in pieces all over again, a glimpse into what went wrong, the last few dying breaths blurring everything around. Just this: two broken hearts in sync and a painful goodnight that felt a lot like goodbye.
Remus remained unmoving on the sidewalk as Sirius unlocked the door and it shut closed behind her. She only allowed herself to reach for him on the other side of it, by slumping into the wood and sliding down into the carpeted floor, the bars spilling from her pockets around her.
It was that trace of Remus, the memory of their taste on his lips and the realisation that she might never get the chance to kiss that taste again that made Sirius finally break down, allowing her sobs to fill the otherwise empty house.