sun
Sirius is staring at the cards in her hands, biting her lip in frustration but trying not to let it show through her mysterious facade.
Remus, the little shit, had said ‘Uno’ the previous round, and so far no one has managed to get rid of their cards. He’s currently sporting an annoying smug look that Sirius wants to kiss off his face. She hates losing.
But it’s okay. It’s okay, really.
Because she possesses the divine power called ‘+4’. See who laughs last, ha!
And then Lyall does the unthinkable, placing on top of the pile his own ‘+4’ mocking card aimed at Sirius.
That just won’t do.
Now, Sirius takes pride in winning fair and square, and she knows that it’s her turn to get the extra four cards and instantly forfeit her turn for the next player, who in this case is Remus. Remus who will win.
She makes the quick decision to risk cheating, which technically isn’t cheating if Hope and Lyall don’t know it’s cheating, and drops her own ‘+4’ card on top of Lyalls‘ for Remus to take eight extra cards.
“Ha!” Sirius says, giving him a shit-eating grin.
“Huh, I like this game.” Lyall chuckles from her side.
“Wha-You can’t do that!” Remus exclaims indignantly.
“What do you mean?” Sirius asks, syrupy sweet and through her lashes, an innocent look that Remus can see right through.
“Sirius-”
“Oh, Remus dear. This is not a good round for you.” Hope muses, shaking her head with a sympathetic smile. Remus splutters, and Sirius’ grin widens.
“It’s cheating!”
“Now, now, Remus-”
“No, Dad, it’s on the instructions sheet! You’re not supposed to throw a +4 card after another-”
“Are you sure it’s not because you’re losing, dear? It’s okay to lose. You can win the next round.” Hope says, reaching out a hand to squeeze his shoulder.
Sirius wants to laugh so badly she thinks she’ll burst.
“We don’t have the instructions, Remus. Your mam threw it out.” Lyall shrugs, intensifying Sirius’ delight.
“I-” Remus begins, looking around them all in disbelief. Hope is giving him a sympathetic smile, although Sirius thinks there’s laughter in her eyes. Lyall looks bored, but when Remus turns away he winks at Sirius knowingly. And Sirius is ecstatic.
“Fine.” He grumbles, reaching over to take 8 extra cards. “We will talk later.” He threatens Sirius. She blows him a kiss, which he responds to with an eye-roll. Which is silly, really, because doesn’t he know how well Sirius knows him already? How attentively she observes Remus to map out every little detail and mannerism of his?
There’s a faint blush, and he’s biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from smiling, and Sirius thinks for the hundredth time today how in love she is.
In the end it’s Hope that wins, after Sirius dropped a ‘skip your turn’ card much to Remus’ dismay.
They all congratulate her, Lyall reaching over to give her a quick kiss on her cheek before he moves to gather the cards and put them back on the box.
“Movie?” Lyall asks, everyone nodding along and encouraging him to pick something light from their collection while Hope moves to pick up the empty plates where the apple pie was, along with their half-empty mugs of tea.
“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.” Remus voice was close to her, leaning over the corner of the coffee table where Sirius was seated on a pillow.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sirius says innocently, a teasing smile playing on her lips.
He huffs, shaking his head.
“Your dad knew, by the way.” Sirius grins.
“Of course, he does.” Remus chuckles, “who do you think I take after? Mam used to do it all the time.”
Sirius gasps, a chuckle escaping her. She’d never think sweet, lovely Hope would be a menace. “Hope?”
“The very same. He is known to indulge her in her mischief every now and then.” Remus says, moving a hand to tuck a stray curls behind Sirius’ ear.
“I just can’t picture it.” Sirius laughs, shaking her head, “Why?”
“Because he loves her.” Remus answers, simply. And really she should know, because when love is the answer, it comes easily, so simply.
“Mmm,” Sirius begins, a teasing smile as she moves closer to Remus. Lyall is too busy searching the cabinets under the telly for a DVD and Hope has disappeared in the kitchen. “It sounds an awful lot like you love me, then.”
Remus smiles, letting out a woe-ful sigh. “It does, doesn’t it?”
Sirius bites her lips to contain her grin, nodding at Remus’ question.
“Well, I guess I’ll just have to live with endless rounds of you cheating at Uno then.” He says, teasing her by shaking his head in disappointment.
“Not a bad way to live.” Sirius says, testing the waters.
“No, my love” Remus grins, leaning close to place a kiss on her forehead, tip of her nose, then a brief one of her lips, “Not at all.”
Sirius' heart soars.
They decide to make themselves useful, Remus by helping Lyall to pick a movie and Sirius by joining Hope in whatever she’s doing in the kitchen.
Turns out she’s preparing fresh tea for everyone while pop-corns pop under the lid on the stove.
“Need any help?” Sirius greets from the door.
“Oh, no dear. I’m almost done here.” Hope says with a smile, “maybe grab me a couple of mugs? That cabin above the sink.” She points to Sirius’ right and she moves there to retrieve four mugs from it, placing them in order next to the kettle.
“Thank you for letting me stay with you,” Sirius begins, tucking a few strands of her behind her ears nervously, “you have a lovely home, really.”
“We’re happy to have you here, dear.” Hope says kindly, removing the kettle from the stove and letting the tea sit for a few seconds before she turns to Sirius, hands reaching out to grab her shoulders gently. “You’re welcome any time.”
“Thank you.” Sirius says, a strange kind of warmth blooming under Hopes’ motherly gaze.
She pulls back, stirring the pan a bit so more corn seeds pop. “So, do you like it here so far? You must have met everyone in town already.”
“It’s so lovely, really. The town, your house, the garden. Remus walked us by the small forest today and promised to take me there tomorrow morning. Everything is as if it’s out of a fairytale.” Sirius gushes. Perhaps the beauty has more to do with the one holding her hand while she’s taking everything in, but one would have to be silly to deny the beauty of the cobbled-stones, the ivy growing in between and the start contrast of forest green and stone that adorns the rest of the town, along with the occasional burst of colour from flowers or paint.
“Oh, it’s even more beautiful in winter. It snows early and every year we complain a bit because it gets endless and we could do without having to shovel snow every few hours. But it’s so picturesque.” She explains enthusiastically, her eyes lighting up similarly to Remus’ when he’s rambling about the things that excite him. Then, more quietly: “You should come during Christmas with Remus.”
Sirius’ breath catches a bit. It’s not the prospect of being with Remus months later, that thought has been entertained one-too many times and Sirius decided a long time ago that she’s in it for the long run. But having Hope invite her back, having her join their little loving family in such an intimate affair with all of their little traditions, it makes Sirius happy.
“I would really love that.” Sirius admits, giving her a soft smile of her own.
“In all honesty,” Hope begins, turning off the stove and pulling the empty bowl closer to her. “Remus would be very embarrassed if he knew I was saying this, but” she continued, pouring the pop-corn inside the bowl, and reaching over for the salt and paprika, “We wouldn’t mind having you here every Christmas.” She finished, turning to give Sirius a mischievous smile. “We wouldn’t mind at all, fy annwyl.”
“I wouldn’t mind that either,” Sirius begins, tears gathering in her eyes at the sheer love she is welcomed with in this house.
“Oh, come here, you.” Hope chuckles fondly, pulling Sirius in a comforting hug, its warmth resembling the one of Effies. Sirius laughs as well, a little watery, but still happy.
“I like seeing Remus happy,” Hope says, pulling back and staying close to wipe the tears off of Sirius’ face.
“I do, too-”
“And I like seeing you happy as well, dear.” She interrupts, a gentle but stern look on her face.
“He makes me happy.” Sirius admits.
“Good.” Hope grins, moving to place a kiss on her forehead, before stepping back. “You make him happy as well. I can see it, he’ll get premature laugh lines if he’s to stay anywhere near you.”
It’s said with a teasing smile, and Sirius laughs while something twists inside her at the thought of an older Remus, laugh lines on his face and grey hair dusting his hair, right there with Sirius, having lived a lifetime and having just as much before them.
“Take these to the living room, will you? I’ll be right there.” Hope prompts, nodding to where the mugs and kettle are.
Sirius pours the tea in the mugs, adding sugar and honey where needed, and places them all on a tray to bring to the living room.
“Oh, and Sirius?” Hope calls, stopping her in her tracks by the kitchen entrance.
“Hm?”
Her smile takes a teasing tone, eyes dancing with mirth. “Maybe we can keep up the tradition of making Remus lose at cards during Christmas, yeah?”
Sirius bursts out laughing.
~
It took a while for Sirius to get off the floor.
If it was summer, the ice-cream would have probably melted, but thank God for December, right?
She wiped off her tears, feeling the muscles tight and in pain from all the crying, and took in a heavy breath to pull herself off the floor and towards the kitchen. The ice cream should be saved for later then.
It had been about an hour, or maybe two, most of it spent crying by her front door and then lying in bed and staring across the room unseeingly, trying to come to terms with everything that has transpired tonight, and how somehow everything had intensified inside her, the dullness completely replaced by a bittersweet agony that was familiar and came with crying, or even admitting to yourself that maybe you will stay in love and longing, and maybe that’s okay.
At some point during the two hour mark the bell went off, and Sirius groaned.
That was either James, or a wrongly-delivered pizza that, come to think of it, Sirius would gladly accept. She would even pay for it, and let someone starving and waiting. But it would be okay, because losing a pizza is surely more bearable than losing the love of your life, right?
The bell rang two more times, making Sirius sit up, the half-eaten chocolate bar on her bedside table mocking her.
Then came the knocking. Quite unrelenting knocking.
“What the-”
“Sirius!”
Sirius’ breath caught and she jumped off the bed in a second.
“Sirius, open the door!”
Remus.
He came back, he-
Sirius ran down the stairs in an instant, feet slipping on the last step and gripping the bannister tightly to save herself from falling, barely avoiding smacking her head on the wall.
But it didn’t matter, because Remus was there.
Remus was on the other side of the door and all Sirius had to do is take a deep breath and unlock the door, and-
There he was. She sighed.
His chest was contracting under his coat, similar to Sirius’ from her brief run across the house to get right where she currently stood.
Across from Remus, under the warmth of the porchlight, a fragile anticipation in the air that kept cracking the longer Remus remained silent. All frowning, lips moving as if trying to pick the right words, but Sirius, hanging from his lips, didn’t think there were any words that could be wrong right now. Any word coming out of his mouth would be the release Sirius needed, the oxygen supply that would resolve this tension, the agonising moments that kept them tethered here, in this front door with one thought circling Sirius’ mind: Remus came back.
“You can’t do this.” Remus panted, the words somehow carrying through as if all fight had gone out of him, only his cheeks were still flushed from the cold, body buzzing like a wire.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius whispered, even though she wasn’t sure what she was apologising for. She had quite a few things to apologise for, Remus could take his pick.
“No,” Remus shook his head firmly, “No, uh huh.” He raised one finger at Sirius, shaking his head, looking anywhere but Sirius in search of the right words.
Tell me anything.
“Remus-”
“You don’t get to tell me what- what to do. It’s not fair, it’s not.”
Sirius takes a breath, the sound resembling a gasp. “I didn’t m-”
“No, you- Fuck, Sirius.” He was agitated, a desperate look on his face as he tried to tug at his hair, only to be stopped by the beanie, latching into the wool instead and tugging. “You can’t decide for me. You can’t tell me if I want to be here, or should be here, or- or whether I want to help you, just- You can’t-”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” Sirius began, taking a step closer with her arms raised as if approaching a wild animal, heart pounding. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-”
“You don’t get to tell me when to leave, Sirius!” Remus exclaimed, voice raspy, looking so helpless.
And something in Sirius snapped. Because that was the thing wasn’t it?
Sirius didn’t tell him to pack his bags. She didn’t tell him to break Sirius’ heart right where they used to dance everytime they prepared dinner and always forgot to check on the sauce before it leaned a bit too far on the burnt side of well-done. She didn’t tell him to walk out of their home, and for all the pain still dared to close the door softly behind him. No slamming of the door, no rattling hinges, just a soft click that sounded an awful lot like a crack, quiet and unassuming just how Sirius thought death would be like.
That’s what was not fair.
“You left me first!” Sirius fought back, the thing she knew how to do best, lash out, like a wounded animal that would take no help, refuse to admit it was hurting in the first place, but still be found at the first crack of dawn trying to mend its own wounds. “You- you put all your things in bags and- fucking left no trace behind and just got up and left me here! You left me here and this place reeks of you-”
“Because you wanted me to!” Remus cried, snapping Sirius’ mouth shut.
Suddenly everything goes quiet, just for a moment.
And in the next, Sirius’ palm was grasping the front of Remus’ coat, pulling him inside just to push him against the door, closing it with a loud slam.
“I never, ever wanted you to leave,” Sirius’ voice is barely above a whisper in the shared space, but this time there’s no wind to get lost into, just the panting of two bodies, staring at each other and trying to fight back all the instincts that come with the memory of shared intimacy, “Don’t ever say that again.” She pleaded, suddenly aware of her breath hitching again.
Remus swallowed, knocking his head back against the wood and looking at her like a million tiny broken pieces, so devastatingly beautiful.
His breath came out shaky, and he was shivering. “You didn’t kiss me.” Remus stated, quietly, an undeniable truth that Sirius wanted to grasp onto while it was choking her, the physical pain of hearing the words coming out of his lovely mouth.
Sirius shook her head as if that would instantly make it a lie, shutting her eyes from facing the reality of their situation. “I didn’t-”
“It had been weeks.” Remus pressed on, his voice breaking, breaking Sirius’ resolve as well. Her palm clenched where it was latching onto Remus’ coat, fingertips alight with the ghost of a heartbeat within reach. Sirius felt like she was already crying.
And then the final blow, “Why didn’t you ever kiss me?”
“I-” Sirius choked on the words, “too much.”
“What?” Remus eyebrows scrunched up, lifting his head off the door and ducking closer to her face. Tea leaves, amber, wood, something sweet- “what was too much?”
It’s as if a dam has broken and a sob escapes Sirius. It was everything coming back to her, every small seemingly insignificant but taunting thought that tortured her mind, always pointing out the damaged parts that seemed to put her together, creating a mosaic of everything she’s ever despised in herself. It’s all about to be laid bare, lodged in the back of her throat and about to be spat out in front of Remus, the contrasting core of Sirius’ own trainwreck.
Remus who was all warmth and reverent touches, skin dancing with laughter and leaving a glowing trail as he marked Sirius’ own. Remus, whose kiss was the closest to worship and absolution Sirius would ever come close to, hair all over, a palm wiping the sleep off his eyes, tired and slow-blinking in the morning, the highlight of Sirius’ day until he smiled that lazy thing.
Sirius was no match. There was no childhood quilt knitted from baby clothes, kitchen with scents of a freshly baked chocolate cake or laughter filling a home. She couldn’t be on the other side of effortless, just a result of indulgence.
“Too much, too much-” Sirius sobbed, fist clenching and head shaking in denial of the truth.
“Too much, what, love?” Remus’ voice came from underwater, faint amidst the ringing in Sirius’ ears and only resurfacing when cold palms framed her wet cheeks, grounding her in a realm where she could be something worthy of being held with such care.
The words were stuck, but Sirius fought to get them out just for the possibility of relief that might accompany their disposal.
“I was too much.” She confessed, through tears and pain, looking at Remus in plea, begging him to prove her wrong, to silence her mind for a second.
Remus shook his head, lips downturned before speaking, “You are never too much.” And then lips are meeting hers, making Sirius’ chest burn, being filled with oxygen and glow all at once.
Of course, Remus has and will always be what she needs.
His hands stayed in place, stumps stroking her swollen under eyes as they kissed, and kissed, Sirius hanging from his lips and praying it won’t come to an end.
It felt wonderful, like death and rebirth all at once, acknowledging everything cursed and loving it with intensity all the same. Sirius tugged him closer, closer, until there was no space between them, just Sirius’ pyjama shirt and Remus’ coat over pounding hearts.
Their heavy breaths melted into soft pants as they pulled back, and Sirius struggled not to chase his lips.
Remus looked at her for a second, a hint of uncertainty passing in his eyes before it quieted down. “Do you want me to leave?” He asked.
“You should-” Sirius began, but was interrupted.
“No,” He shook his head softly, a sad smile on his face as he rested his forehead against Sirius’, leaving her with nothing but his overwhelming scent, “I want you to tell me what you want.”
Then, he drew back, and one palm moved from her face to find residence above her heart, the pounding settling down by Remus’ comfort. “Look at me, and tell me, honestly, if you want me to leave.”
And Sirius couldn’t.
She couldn’t do that because it was the last thing she wanted, and even though she couldn’t allow herself to be selfish, she wondered if that was really what was best for both of them. Because surely, Remus wouldn’t be asking her with a pleading look in his eyes, all sadness and familiar lines that Sirius wanted to wrap herself in. Surely, through all the fragments and pieces, even the hurt Remus bore, there must be something worth it for Remus to chase so desperately, for Remus to have once loved so fiercely and unapologetically.
Could she allow herself this, bring back the before with the promise to never let it get to ‘now’ ever again? Could she give this, not only to Remus, who deserved everything his pure heart desired with all its might, but also herself, even if it was for the desire to become the version Remus deserves to be loved by?
“I will leave right now, if you want me to,” He said, soft and gentle, “Just tell me what you want, the truth this time.”
Sirius sniffed, trying to come up with an answer that was anything other than ‘Please, stay here and never leave, ever, ever, ever-’ while gazing into those eyes, full of sadness and the aftermath of their love.
She realised she didn’t want to come up with an answer.
“Please.” Remus begged at last.
How could she ever resist those eyes? “I don’t want you anywhere but here,” Sirius sighed, elated at the feel of Remus’ sigh of relief on her own lips. She moved her hand on top of his, the one splayed over her heart, and continued “I want your drawers full, and forgotten tea mugs all over the place, and the iron press on the dresses because you have been ironing your socks again even though you don’t need to-” A tear-filled chuckle escaped Remus, his forehead dropping against hers, “and, and I want your toothbrush next to mine.”
She took a deep breath, eyes filling with tears at the recollection of all the domestic scenes that used to be her life. “I want you to remind me to wear socks in the morning while you make breakfast, and I want cramps from where your head has been laying on my shoulder all night-”
“Enough, enough,” Remus laughed, sniffling right after, thumb stroking her cheek.
“Every nook and cranny of this house is filled with your presence,” Sirius confessed, moving back to make Remus meet her eye, meet her bare and vulnerable in all her need for him, “I just want you to be here, so I can have give you the love that persists. It's all for you, Remus.”
Remus’ expression melted into adoration, a sort of relief that came with being open, and suddenly, they were kissing.
Sirius gasped, hands moving to wrap around Remus’ neck, pulling him as close as possible, his own hands wrapping around her waist, nearly dipping her.
It was all stumbling across the house from there.
It was hands roaming, kisses interrupted by the occasional chuckle after they had bumped into a piece of furniture.
“I missed you, God, I missed you so much-” Sirius said between kisses, pinned against the wall by the stairs with Remus’ fingers buried in her hair. It was frantic and needy, but his exploration remained gentle, savouring everything that had been absent for weeks.
“I love you.” Remus kissed the words on her lips, Sirius barely able to suppress a whine. Her hands slipped the beanie off his head and let it fall somewhere on the floor, not wasting any time to run her fingers through the matted curls, some still wet from his shower earlier and standing in the cold for so long. Lovely idiot.
I love you, Sirius whispered as Remus picked her up, leading them to the bedroom unseeingly, knowing the house like the palm of his hand. He belonged there, in their home.
I love you, I love you, I love you. It was whispered between kisses, clothes falling and bouncing on the bed in a heap of limbs.
Remus took his time with Sirius, and Sirius revelled under his electrifying touch, watching Remus’ skin illuminated by the bedside lamp, all moles and scars, orange glow and warmth as he mapped out Sirius’ body with his lips, the peak of adoration under which Sirius could do nothing but surrender.
She tugged him close, the expanse of his body living with hers in a nostalgic dance of limbs as they met in the middle, eyes never straying, as if needing to reassure that this wasn’t some hallucination they’d wake up for, that dream had given way to reality. They were there, kissing in the most intimate state, re-building everything from the ashes in a bed that was always meant for two.
Sirius was drunk, there was no other explanation. It was hazy, the weight of Remus enveloping her, tasting salt and sweetness, feeling sweat and burning sensations that kept her body alight, trembling in ecstasy.
They reached pleasure together, mere seconds apart that were not wasted, kissing each other’s noises, relishing in the shared exhaustion that washed over them once the intense waves had faded, collapsing on warm skin, chests panting with each breath.
Sirius wasn’t sure whether they slept or not. Amidst the haze and euphoria of it, the intensity and wave of feelings resurfaced, they had both blacked out for moments, maybe minutes.
Sirius moved her hand to bury it in Remus’ hair, his face hidden in her neck as his breathing evened out.
Remus hummed, borrowing deeper into the crook of her neck, the vibrations tickling Sirius in the process. She chuckled, and he tightened his grip on her waist.
“Are you awake?” Sirius whispered, not wanting to break whatever bubble they had found themselves in. Remus lifted his head, gracing Sirius with the most adorable sight.
His hair had dried out, a complete and utter mess from both the hat and Sirius’ own hands. He was blinking slowly, unbothered and lazy, as if having woken up from a nap.
“Hi.” Remus said, voice raspy and syrupy sweet.
“Hi.” Sirius greeted back, biting her lips so as not to let her grin show.
But Remus caught it, and he smiled, a dopey adorable one. Sirius let her own grin show, and that was all it took for him to lean down and kiss her again, slowly and unhurried, like they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did.
Sirius sighed in the kiss, her arms finding Remus’ back to draw shapes, stroking across the planes of it, the freckles on warm skin.
When Remus pulled back, he supported himself on one elbow, and used the other hand to stroke Sirius’ hair away from her face, the sweet gesture bringing a blush to the highest parts of her cheekbones and her shoulders.
“We need to talk about it.” Remus observed, gently.
“I know.” Sirius sighed, closing her eyes and allowing herself to relax under Remus’ care.
“Not yet, though.”
Sirius’ eyes opened. “No?”
Remus shook his head, a small smile gracing his lips. “We can have some time to do… well, this.” He laughed, a lovely sound that almost had Sirius on the brink of tears.
“I’d love that.” She hummed, turning to place a brief kiss on Remus’ shoulder before falling back on the bed.
They spent some time like that, stroking across each other’s skin while talking in hushed voices. Sirius thought she’d never tire of watching Remus, but the thought was interrupted when Remus suddenly sat up, urging her to lift her bum so they could lie under the covers. Sirius proceeded to laugh at the sudden demand, and it only intensified when Remus exclaimed ‘What? You’re shivering!’
Sirius had reached for the remote to turn the telly on, some reruns of 'GBBO', just to have some background noise, but Remus ended up being invested in the technical, even going as far as to laugh at the host’s jokes. Sirius’ heart soared, and it was a testament to how much Remus must love her when she made him miss the ranking by attacking his face with kisses.
But he was warm and soft in her bed, their bed, laughing, so Sirius wouldn’t mind staying in this moment for all eternity if all Remus wanted to do was watch people bake deserts.
At some point, Remus’ stomach grumbled, making Sirius jump, quite literally, off the bed, and put on her underwear before running downstairs to the kitchen all while Remus just sat there in confusion, calling for her to come back.
Sirius returned soon, a shit-eating grin on her face, holding an ice-cream pack and two spoons, to which Remus responded with a fond huff of laughter, and by lifting up the cover for Sirius to slip under.
“Why do you have ice-cream in December, anyways?” Remus asked a while later. The running episode had finished and the next one followed, Sirius a bit disappointed at the girl with the red hair that messed up her showstopper.
“It’s my mental support sweet.” Sirius joked, taking another scoop from the sides where it was melting and softer. "Like Bridget Jones."
She expected a laughter, some kind of teasing remark, but when nothing came she looked up to find Remus looking at her with a sad expression.
“Hey,” Sirius nudged him with a gentle smile “It’s okay.”
But Remus didn’t hear her. He gently took her spoon out of her hand, placing it inside the pack along with his and turning on his side to place it on the bedside table, before turning around fully to face Sirius.
“Should we talk?”
The easy answer was no. No, let’s not dwell and recall and plainly point out everything that went wrong. Let’s irresponsibly ignore it and stay in this moment for all eternity.
But they needed to talk, and a little voice that sounded an awful lot like Remus’ told her that the sooner they talked about everything the sooner they could go back to their way everything was before. Or at least start trying to make it better.
“Yeah,” Sirius sighed, sitting up a bit and rubbing her face with her palms.
Remus reached out to her wrists, gently removing her hands from her face and leaning down to meet her eyes. “We’re okay. It’s just… something we have to do.”
He was right. Of course he was. It was just- Sirius would rather spend a few more hours pretending that nothing had changed, that there was no part of her that felt undeserving to the man in her arms, the laughter filling their home and the affection she had been on the receiving end of the past few hours.
But if there was one thing worth it to make her face herself, and even consider coming to terms with needed change, then that thing was Remus.
“Okay,” She agreed, biting her lip nervously.
They decided to move to the living room. The night would probably be long and it would be best to have this conversation sitting up and without the distraction of bare skin.
Sirius put her pyjamas back on, Remus borrowing an extra pair that actually used to belong to him before he met Sirius. They walked down the stairs hand in hand, separating at the landing where Sirius turned to the kitchen to prepare tea and Remus moved to the living room to get the fire started.
Soon, Sirius joined Remus on the sofa, carrying two mugs of tea and offering one with honey to Remus who accepted it with a smile. They sat on opposite sides, most of the light in the room coming from the fire burning the woods slowly, the telly back on once again to 'GBBO' re-runs, but this time on mute.
Sirius shifted nervously, crossing her legs at the ankle and balancing her mug of tea on her thighs.
“Do you want to start?” Remus shifted, placing his tea mug on the coffee table before resting back on the arm of the sofa, taking hold of a pillow which he hugged close.
Sirius took a deep breath, tucking her hair behind her ears before speaking. “Yeah. I guess what I want to know most is why you left.” She didn’t dare look at Remus, focused instead on a little chip on the handle of her mug which she scraped with her thumbnail.
“Because I was hurting.”
Sirius lifted her head at that, watching Remus as he waited for him to continue. Remus’ gaze was calm, open in a way, giving Sirius space to process whatever was on her mind. When he didn’t continue, Sirius spoke again.
“That didn’t hurt you?”
“It did,” he nodded, “ more than anything.”
Sirius frowned, picking on a loose thread on her sock. “Then why did you leave?”
“Because at the moment I thought it was better than you not wanting me.”
“That’s not true.” Sirius hurried to point out, her stomach turning into knots at the thought of Remus feeling unwanted.
“I didn’t know that. Or maybe I did, I don’t know.” He shrugged, hugging the pillow closer, “I wasn’t in a place to think right.”
Sirius took a small sip of her tea. It burned her tongue, but she didn’t react. “I know it’s ironic of me to ask you this, but why didn’t you talk to me?”
Remus smiled then, a little sadly. “Why didn’t you?”
And okay, that was deserved.
That’s what got them here in the first place, wasn’t it? Assumptions that were products of anxiety. He sighed, biting his lip for a second to gather his thoughts, and Sirius waited patiently.
“I thought everything was pretty obvious. I was in too much stress already, and one night there I am, waiting for you to come home when I realise it has been weeks since we last touched each other. And I just couldn’t understand why, or what had gone wrong. I couldn’t pinpoint the second that everything started going wrong, but we were standing in the middle of it, neither of us acknowledging it enough to fix it. I was losing you, and all I could do was close off and deny it until the only reasonable explanation was that you didn’t want me anymore. And… I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid, but I really thought I was holding you back.”
Remus had barely finished talking before Sirius spoke. “You told me that when you left. Why would you say that?”
“A part of me has always thought of us that way. Like I’m… too mellow for you. You’re just this- this burst of passion and laughter, and I love that about you. I love watching you make your way through life with your heart on your sleeve. And you’re so much more than that, Sirius. You’re considerate, and kind, incredibly thoughtful just as much as you are smart and loving. But sometimes my mind would zero in on all of the things I differed from you, and thought of them as reasons that you might end up, eventually, realising that I’m not right for you.”
There were memories of Remus stuck in front of a laptop screen, frustrated and exhausted but silent, just like Sirius when she was about to go out to meet James, that last night. How that kiss had felt like a confirmation of an end, Sirius spending the brief walk to the coffee shop in tears, something inside her, something ugly and persistent rearing its head, making her doubt that Remus would be there once she returned.
But through it all, there was one thought that was repeated over and over like a mantra, that being ‘I love him’. Over and over, a prayer and a statement. It was that simple for Sirius, through the misunderstandings and the distance, all the suffering and wilting, it was like a plea to a higher power. ‘I love him’, and it was that simple, so why did everything have to be so wrong?
Didn’t it all come down to that? Sirius loved him, and she would keep loving him as long as she would be capable of such a divine emotion. It was the silver lining for Sirius.
“Remus, that’s- that’s not the truth at all. Not even a little bit.”
What Sirius came to realise was that maybe the idea she had in her head of what had gone down might have been a little twisted.Listening to Remus talk is giving her a small glimpse, maybe even a clear picture, of what it had been like for Remus, overwhelmed with a sense of not being enough, and it was something that could not have been further from the truth. Remus was more than enough, he was plenty, and everything and even more, that Sirius sometimes found herself about to combust because she didn’t know where she was supposed to put all these insane amounts of love.
And well, why couldn’t the same apply to Remus?
He told her before that she has never been too much. He told her that. And now he’s here, looking at her, tired and beautiful, willing to work through it. explain everything because he loved her. She thought that maybe if such a pure heart was capable of loving her that way, so unconditionally, then maybe there were no fragments or pieces Sirius had to remove. Maybe they were stuck, and just needed to blend in and be a part of who she was. Maybe she needed to accept that, and take a sip from Remus’ cup to try and look at herself the way he saw her, even just a bit.
Sirius leaned down, placing her own mug on the coffee table before shifting closer, one knee bent to have something to hold onto.
“I never thought of you as anything other than someone I completely adore, all of you.” She began, twisting her fingers this way and that, a nervous tick, “You were so stressed. And I wanted to help, but I was afraid I’d end up pressuring you more than you needed with the added stress of your work. But- at the same time I craved to be close to you, to take you out and just keep you careless even for one night-”
“I know I stress a lot-”
“I know,” Sirius nodded, “I do. I didn’t mean that. I wasn’t trying to change you. I just wanted to take some of your burden, and when I didn’t know how, I felt I was becoming too much for you.”
“You have never been too much for me.” Remus said quickly, simply.
He’d said those words to her earlier, by the front door, and the deja vu of it all did nothing to lessen the effect the small reassurance had on Sirius.
“I was scared. The more I wanted you close, the more I felt like I was pushing you, so that resulted in me ending up putting distance between us.”
It was there, out in the open, Sirius’ fears, mocking and taunting her for where they’d led her. But they didn’t seem so mocking, not when they were confided in Remus, who took it all with willingness. Sirius could be thankful at that moment, even just for one little thing. Because it didn’t really matter how taunting everything had seemed to be, she had done one thing right, and that was putting all her love in Remus, and somewhere along the way allowing him to her her enough that she had found herself, despite everything, in the same sofa as him, scents blending in and lit warmly from the fireplace. It was a familiar setting, of course, but it spoke of something new, equal doses of unknown and cherished.
“I was scared as well,” Remus admitted, “I needed you close and that resulted in me feeling like I was holding you back from being happy. I wanted you to go out and have fun, but I also wanted to be able to be there to witness it. But I didn’t have the courage, and when I did it was too late.”
Sirius didn’t know what to say to that, except give Remus a tiny glimpse into how full his love had always kept her. “You made me the happiest I have ever been.”
Sirius held her breath for a second, until she heard Remus shift, the pillow now discarded on the side of the sofa. “Come here, please?”
He did not have to ask twice.
Sirius moved in an instant, sitting up on her knees to straddle Remus, his hands finding her waist instantly, pulling her close as Sirius wrapped her own arms around his neck, face tucked in his hair.
“You were slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do.” Remus said, quietly in the nonexistent space between them where his breath fanned the strands of hair falling in his face. And then, “Losing you was the worst suffering I’ve ever had to endure.”
Sirius' heart skipped a beat, doubling down the next second and making her exhale come out shaky. She pulled back an inch, enough to see the way Remus was looking at her in what could only be described as pure adoration, so unhesitating that Sirius felt like crying.
She leaned down to meet him in slow kiss, Remus’ sighing and tightening his hold around her waist that made Sirius’ stomach flutter. It was a surge of emotions, leaning back to find Remus bathed in orange hues, his eyes taking an almost translucent amber colour as his lips stretched into a content smile. Sirius kissed him again, and again, and again.
At some point her fingers tangled up in his hair, the feeling of it between her fingers combined with the warmth that enveloped her, Remus’ scent, breathing him in, was a revelation.
“You are never too much,” Remus said once he pulled back, one palm moving up to cup her cheek and keep her gaze steady on him. “In fact, I’d say you’re just the perfect amount of much.”
He was teasing, Sirius would see the mirth dancing in his eyes and it brought a smile on her own face.
“What’s the right amount?”
Remus hummed in mock-contemplation, “Just a bit much for me to not know what to do with myself when I’m near you, but more than enough to love.”
Sirius chuckled, despite her heart beating faster and the heat rising on her face. She threw her head back a bit, groaning theatrically, and Remus took this as a chance to lean down and nip on her neck, making her shiver.
“Sap.”
The loving insult was met with a proud grin that Remus wore like a badge of honour. Then, he sobered up a bit, but he spoke before Sirius had time to worry.
“You are never too much, Sirius.” Sirius nodded.
It would be hard, trying to come to terms with it.
But she could try. She wanted to try.
She should do it for herself, and she thought she would, eventually. But now it was the prospect of allowing herself to feel Remus’ love completely that made her want to believe it. She wasn’t too much for Remus, and with small steps she’d learn to not be too much for herself as well. She’d learn to channel that love both ways, if only to nurture herself and grow her capacity to love both Remus and herself a bit better.
“We will talk, yeah?” Sirius asked, uncertainty laced in her voice. “If it ever gets to that again, we will talk?”
“We will talk.” Remus nodded, tucking Sirius’ hair behind her ears and leaning down, resting his forehead against hers. “I will try not to get lost in my own head, and reach out if I feel it happening.”
“Please, do.” Sirius sighed. “Please Remus. Don’t ever let yourself think you’re anything but completely loved by me.”
She felt him nod against her, feeling his lips pressed on her forehead the next second. “I promise.”
Then, he proceeded to place kisses everywhere he could reach, Sirius melting under the intimacy. First, it was her forehead, the tip of her nose, then under her eyes, each cheek, her the slope of her cupid’s bow and finally her lips.
It wasn’t passionate, or desperate, despite the yearning that Sirius felt pulling at her constantly. It was slow, making up for lost time but also not. It was also creating another moment in their renewal of what was, picking out everything cherished and adding it to what was becoming under the promise of ‘better’.
At some point, Sirius’ hands slipped under Remus’ shirt, running up his ribs and making him shiver. He pulled her closer, impossibly so, and kissed her with more fervour.
“Fuck, you taste like chocolate.”
Sirius pulled back then, and in the haze of it all started laughing.
“What?” Remus mumbled, his frown forming into a grin as Sirius kept laughing. “Hey, what? Why are you laughing?”
He pinched her side playfully, making Sirius yelp and take a few breaths to sober up.
“Is this turning you on?” Sirius teased, pushing his hair away from his face with a fond expression.
“Wh- No. Just- the bar.”
“The bar?” Sirius frowned.
And then it dawned on her. The half eaten bar on the bedside table.
“Oh my God, Remus.”
“What?” He protested.
Sirius was delighted . “Can you tell just by the taste of it?”
“It’s my favourite one, of course I can.” He mumbled grumpily, not meeting Sirius’ eyes.
“You’re such an idiot.” Sirius grinned.
Remus raised an eyebrow. “An idiot whose favourite chocolate bars you kept buying.”
Sirius shrugged. No point in denying it.
“I bought your shampoo.” He said, one finger playing with a stray curl.
“What?” Sirius pulled back a bit in surprise. She would have smelled it, surely. She knew the scent too well to not recognise it.
“Maybe you’re too used to the scent,” He explained with a smile, reading her mind “but I do. The silly hat and the wind didn’t help but-”
“The beanie was so cute.” Sirius cooed, making Remus roll his eyes.
“It looked silly.”
“No, you did not!”
“I did,” Remus laughed. “I just had to wear it because I was in a hurry and it was cold.”
Sirius paused, not so much at the fact that Remus was in a hurry because of the phone call, but because she circled back to earlier, the carelessness with which Remus had ran across town to get to her in the slightest sign of need.
“You will catch a cold.” Sirius sighed, fingers playing with Remus’ untamed curls.
“I’ll be fine.” He sighed, tilted his head back under Sirius’ ministrations. So beautiful.
“You won’t. You’ll get a fever for being an idiot.”
“Mmm,” Remus hummed, eyes slipping closed. “Lovesick idiot.”
Sirius snorted. “Lovesick idiot.” She agreed.
“Good thing I will have you to take care of me.” He opened his eyes, head resting on the back of the sofa as Sirius’ fingers stroked his hair. It was so beautiful hearing it from Remus' lips, no room left for doubts.
“Mmm, perfect,” Sirius mused, and then she kissed him.
They spent most of the night in the living room, keeping each other close between all the teasing and affection that was unrestrained.
Remus’ fatigue was more obvious as time passed, and beside the caresses of Sirius’ fingers, she had also pulled him up and made them sprawl out in front of the fire to keep him warm.
She made more tea while Remus pulled a few pillows and a throw blanket from the sofa to lie on comfortably.
In the early mornings, when the fire was at its weakest, and Remus was on the brink of sleep, he spoke. “I remember it, by the way.”
Sirius was on her side, Remus’ arm draped around her waist as she stroked the skin of his shoulder, chasing each constellation of freckles with her fingertips. The weak firelight was still enough to make Remus appear golden, all warm and pliant in Sirius arms, under the heavy blanket and his slow blinking. All mushy, tasting the sweetness on her tongue as her heart squeezed.
“What, darling?” She whispered softly.
“That day when we visited my parents.”
Sirius’ breath caught.
Remus’ lips stretched into a sleepy smile, as if recalling a fond memory, nuzzling closer to her. “It was the day I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life indulging your cheating in card games.”
He huffed a chuckle, velvety and low, before sighing, his breath eventually evening out as sleep took him.
Sirius sniffled, wiping away the moisture in her eyes, recalling everything from that day.
That embarrassing morning that would become the revelation Sirius needed to see Remus as the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. The little stroll around town, jewellery from a stall in the colour of her eyes, laughed echoing in a childhood bedroom where a boy had hoped to find love, mugs of tea and almost thirty years of marriage between Lyall and Hope.
He is known to indulge her in her mischief every now and then.
Because he loves her.
Well, I guess I’ll just have to live with endless rounds of you cheating at Uno then.
And then:
It was the day I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life indulging your cheating in card games.
It was a promise of forever, not something said amidst the deliriousness of fever, but a result of everything. An undeniable truth, a peak of everything piled together, mixed and intertwined.
It was Sirius waking up to Remus, under the sun, and saying ‘ Oh, of course, it’s you. It will be you for the rest of my life’ and Remus meeting her in the middle just a few hours later, in the middle of a card game to tell her ‘It will be you because I’m helpless to do anything but choose you’ .
I love you, Sirius whispered as she pulled him close, Remus’ body burning as he clung to her in his sleep.
She would need to take his temperature and make him soup once he woke up. She’d have to run upstairs and check if her stock of painkillers was full, and possibly make a trip to the pharmacy store to get him antipyretic medication.
But that could wait for a few hours.
The morning could come a few hours late, and spare them this night when love did what it does best in the warmth of a home, skin on skin, breathing laughter and peeling mandarins, a couple of toothbrushes and lived in duvets: renascence.
~
“I will kill him, shit. Shit, shit-” Sirius curses under her breath as she climbs down the creaky stairs, trying to tuck her hair behind her ears because she knew it stuck up all weird on one side where she hastily brushed through it minutes before. She barely had time to brush her teeth and she was still in her teddy bear pyjamas.
Oh God, this was awful.
She wanted to make a good impression, wake up and have time to look presentable and be pleasant to engage in conversation with Hope and Lyall.
She didn’t tell Remus to wake her up last night, she forgot and fell asleep before she could think of tomorrow. She’d been so tired from travelling straight from work, and once the tension of her first meeting with Remus’ parents had melted off, all that was left was her exhaustion and Remus’ warm bed and she was out like a light.
Now it was too late to change, or fix her hair. They would already be in the middle of breakfast and Sirius would look lazy and all attention would be on her the second she stepped out in the garden.
She was going to kill him.
With a deep breath, she pushes the door open and light spills inside the house before Sirius steps out and the door closes softly behind her.
“There she is!” Hope welcomes her warmly, Sirius trying to give her a smile that she’s sure looks more like a grimace. She’s suddenly very aware of her pyjamas hanging off her frame as she walks to the table.
Her eyes fall on Remus’ instantly, and she doesn’t have time to glare at him because she’s completely disarmed by the look on his face. He’s glowing, looking at her as if she’s some sort of a miracle as she makes her way around the table to sit on the chair Remus has pulled out for her.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning, my love.” Remus smiles, leaning down to kiss her briefly. He tucks her hair behind her ear, leaning back to wrap his arm around her shoulder.
Sirius guesses she could postpone killing him for later.
“Help yourself with anything.” Lyall says, before taking a bite of bread that seems to have jam on it.
“Sorry for sleeping so late. I guess there was something wrong with the alarm and my phone-”
“Oh, nonsense! It’s only after 10.” Hope waves it off. “Here dear, let me help you-”
“Oh! It’s okay, I can-”
“No, no. You’re here to rest and have a good time, please! What do you want, dear? We have orange juice, water, tea is still warm-” She starts listing off all things on the table, and Sirius finds herself stuck in place, looking at Hope in wonder for how incredibly sweet she’s being.
“Mam, Sirius is perfectly capable of choosing her own breakfast-”
“Jam, apple pie that I made just this morning, bread that Lyall got from the bakery- Oh, and fruit!”
Sirius’ trance breaks when Remus lets out a low chuckle next to her. She registers his arm being wrapped around her shoulder, playing with a strand of hair as he shakes his head at his Mam fondly.
“Hope, sweetheart-” Lyall begins, but his voice doesn’t carry, because Sirius is mesmerised by the man next to her.
“How did you sleep, cariad?” The sun is behind the trees, still making its way up the sky, but its rays still find a way between dancing leaves to fall on Remus and bathe him in its warmth completely. There’s a pillow mark on the left side of his cheek, less prominent than it must have been earlier, and he’s sporting his regular bed-hair.
And he looks at Sirius with so much love, she finds herself wondering if it’s overspilling, pooling all around her because she doesn't know what to do with it, all of it. She wants to savour it, keep in close, give it back, all of it and more, for as long as she’s capable of love, perhaps even after her body has left its physical form and transcended to the unknown.
He’s looking at her with gold specks in his eyes, a comforting brown, and Sirius wants to run her fingers down the slope of his nose, across his lips, laugh to release some of the intensity of her emotions.
“Like a baby.” Sirius says, watching with a matching grin of her own as Remus smiles.
“Good,” He says, burying his hand in her hair to scratch at the nape of her neck, making Sirius melt completely. “Apple pie?”
Sirius chuckles, and nods.
Apple pie is good.
Apple pie is lovely.
Such a lovely thing to have under the sun, with a family built on love and care.
A lovely thing to have in a garden, all mushy from sleep, with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
It’s not a bad picture.
Remus and her, waking up every morning to share breakfast, for so long that the grey on their hair starts showing, and the laugh lines are worn proudly and their life is completely changed in the sense that: love does that. It’s a constant that will keep changing their lives, creating new routines, making them dance around each other, practised and exciting for years to come, in a home where memories are laid upon every surface, hidden in every corner, in the dust of a bookcase and the sock drawer in the bedroom.
In the hallway light that needs changing, again, and the lighter resting in the corner of the fireplace ready to paint the room in gold, or the worn out wood on that particular spot on the bannister, the third step from the top that creaks under their steps after years of living their lives in it.
Spending the rest of her life with Remus is not a bad picture.
Not bad at all.
The end.