Cruel Summer (With You)

Remus wakes up to find Sirius Black snoring softly on his chest.

He’s had this dream- or a variation of it- so many times that for a moment he’s pretty sure it isn’t real. Like last night was all a dream. Remus squeezes his eyes shut and prays that he never wakes up from this. He counts to ten and then opens his eyes, and nothing has changed.

It was real. He does know that, and Remus feels his heart grow and twist and dance in his chest as Sirius shifts a little bit, arm falling across Remus’ bare chest. His lips are parted slightly and he looks so peaceful. Remus reaches up carefully and brushes his fingers through Sirius’ hair. It’s soft and gorgeous and long and Remus has always loved it. He’s always loved every part of Sirius, the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. He’s obsessed. He can’t help it.

He doesn’t know what made him brave last night. Probably years of pent up frustration, of hating himself for feeling this way, hating himself for never doing anything about it. And Sirius had been asking for it, anyway, really. Remus knows that now.

Kissing Sirius was the best he’s ever felt. Alive and electric and present and grounded, like he was complete. Like he’d been missing a part of himself, and Sirius offered it back to him on a silver platter with that wicked, pretty, sharp grin of his.

Sirius lets out a soft noise, blinking slowly, his eyebrows furrowing together. It’s precious. Endearing. “Morning,” Remus whispers.

Sirius blinks again, reaches up to wipe at his eyes. He looks up at Remus for a long moment, and his expression is so soft and so gentle and Remus wants to take a picture, make it last forever.

And then Remus freezes, because there are tears in Sirius’ eyes. Fuck.

“Pads?” He asks, trying to keep the undertone of panic out of his voice and trying very hard not to spiral. Sirius sniffles and shakes his head.

“No, sorry, it’s-” he breaks off, his voice cut off as he chokes on his own words, pressing a hand against his mouth. He doesn’t move away from Remus, though, and so Remus hesitates only a moment before wrapping both arms around Sirius, holding him tight.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Am I okay,” Sirius laughs wetly. “Moons, I’m… I never-” again, he stops, tucking his face into the crook of Remus’ neck and sniffling again. If it were anyone else, Remus would find it gross. But it’s Sirius, so he doesn’t. “I thought maybe I wouldn’t ever get to have anything I wanted,” Sirius says finally, and lifts his head to look at Remus. His cheeks are a little splotchy and his eyes are still wet. “And you’re this… you’re this bloody force of nature, and I’m just finding it hard to believe that you want me, but you do, and I- and that’s just the greatest, most w-wonderful thing to ever happen to me, I think.”

Remus’ heart melts in his chest and he reaches up to trace a thumb across Sirius’ cheek. He doesn’t know what to say, but he feels a little choked up all of a sudden and shakes his head. “You’re amazing,” he murmurs. “Sirius, you’re amazing, if anyone’s finding this entire thing hard to believe, it’s me.”

Sirius laughs again, and then he’s leaning down, pressing a sweet kiss to the corner of Remus’ mouth. “I guess I’m just happy,” he says softly, reaching up to wipe at his eyes again. “That’s all it is, Moons, I’m just happy.”

Remus is, too. He’s never felt this particular brand of happy before. The kind that seeps into your soul and works its way through all of the dark bits, making them feel a little bit lighter, at least for the moment. Or… no, he has felt this before. Because that’s just Sirius. That’s just how Sirius makes him feel.

“Remus,” Sirius says, a small smile growing on his face again. “Will you kiss me again?”

Remus laughs, grinning up at Sirius. He props himself up on his elbows and leans in, eyes closing as he presses their lips together. It’s gentle and sweet, not quite as desperate as it got last night, and he loves it.

“Remus,” Sirius murmurs, his lips brushing across Remus’ jaw, his smile turning soft and fond and sweet. “Will you kiss me forever?”

Remus laughs, he can’t help it, and pulls Sirius into a tight embrace. “Of course,” he says, pressing a kiss to Sirius’ hairline. “Of course. Forever.”

___________________________

The question of how and when to tell their friends is answered for them nearly as soon as they both emerge from Remus’ room that afternoon.

Everyone’s already sitting in the living room, and James is the first to look up. He glances between them, eyes narrowing. He looks at Sirius. Then at Remus. Doesn’t say anything.

It’s Mary who speaks first. “Sirius Black,” she says, jumping to her feet and stomping across the room, pointing an accusatory finger directly at Sirius’ neck. “Is that a hickey?”

The neckline of the t-shirt he’s wearing- Remus’ old Abbey Road shirt, which is incriminating enough on his own- is loose and worn, hanging off of Sirius’ shoulder and showing the few marks that Remus left there last night. Remus feels his face grow hot and he looks resolutely down at the floor. Sirius, on the other hand, grins proudly and tips his head to the side. “Why, yes, MacDonald, it certainly is.”

Remus isn’t looking, but he can picture the grin on Mary’s face. She’s an evil, evil woman. “Who gave it to you?”

Remus swallows hard, still staring resolutely at the floor. And then he feels Sirius grab his chin, tugging his face up and planting a large, messy kiss against his lips. Sirius pulls back, looking entirely too pleased with himself, and Remus sort of wants to melt into the floor, or pull Sirius right back to his room and keep him there for the rest of the day.

James lets out a low whistle. Remus looks at their friends. Their expressions are all sweet. Like they’re happy for Remus and Sirius, and Remus’ heart grows a bit. He reaches for Sirius’ hand, squeezing gently.

James says, “Man, Pete’s gonna be so pissed he missed this. I can’t wait to tell him.”

And that’s pretty much that.

___________________________

The thing about being in love with your best friend- and getting to be with your best friend- is that they already know you inside and out. Sirius knows Remus’ moods and his quirks and his tells, and Remus knows the same about Sirius. They’ve skipped past the getting to know you stage and have landed right in the middle of something sweet and gentle and wonderful. They don’t have very much time before they go back to London, but they’re making the most of it. They’ve already been on a double date with Lily and James, and then with Dorcas and Marlene, and Mary’s teasing has been incessant and endless. They’re spending nights together and days together, and Remus feels hope blooming in his chest. Hope for the future. Hope for a world in which he gets to love Sirius for the rest of his life, because that’s really all he’s ever wanted.

The day after the full moon leaves Remus exhausted and achy and feeling like the world hates him. The usual, really, but what’s different is that Sirius is there the moment he wakes up. He helps Remus sit up, helps him get dressed, runs his fingers through his hair so tenderly that Remus thinks he might actually cry. Sirius leans in to press a kiss against his forehead.

“How was it?” Remus asks, voice croaky. How was I? He means. He’s always so scared that eventually Moony’ll get tired of Padfoot and Prongs and Wormtail and turn on them. Hasn’t happened yet, but Remus is sure that it could. One day.

Sirius smiles at him and carefully helps Remus tug his jumper on. “You were beautiful,” he says. “As always. Moony seemed extra happy last night, and I’m totally taking credit for it.”

Remus melts. Sirius helps him to his feet, watching with a worried expression as Remus winces in pain. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved Moony is- the transition is a bitch. Cracked bones and bruises and his fucking hip that never fully resets properly. But Sirius is gentle with him.

The apparation still makes his head spin and when they land, Remus moans softly and lets his forehead drop onto Sirius’ shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay, I know,” Sirius murmurs, reaching up to play with the hair at the base of Remus’ neck. “You tired, Moons? Want a nap? Or tea? I’ll make you tea.”

Remus takes in a deep breath, giving a slow nod. He’s overwhelmed in this moment by how lovely Sirius is. He’s always been lovely- especially after the moon- but it’s different now. He doesn’t have to pretend the feelings he has are anything less than what they are. So he lifts his head and kisses Sirius softly. “I’d love some tea,” he mumbles. “And then I’d love for you to not leave my side for the rest of the day.”

Sirius chuckles, shaking his head. “So needy,” he teases. But he obliges. He makes Remus tea and tucks in next to his side, and when Remus asks if he’ll read aloud to him, Sirius does. It’s sweet, and domestic, and Remus wants to remember this moment forever.

“Moony,” Sirius says later that evening. They’re sitting outside on the beach as the sun sets slowly. Remus feels a little better- more like a person again- and Sirius just looks so pretty in the soft golden light of the sunset. “What do you think it’ll be like when we go back home?”

Remus frowns, shifting a little next to Sirius. He tosses an arm around his shoulders and brings him in close. “What do you mean?”

Sirius shrugs. “Just- you know. I mean, it’s so wonderful right now. And I’m almost positive it’s always gonna be wonderful but it’ll also be… different, too. I feel like we’re living in this nice little bubble right now, but when we go back…”

Remus knows what he means. Knows the war is sitting just behind the door. Knows that everything is about to change.

“It’ll be different,” he says softly, turning to press a kiss against Sirius’ hairline. “But I feel…” he trails off, huffing a small laugh because what he’s about to say feels unbearably sappy. “It’s like I feel stronger, you know? Like, no matter what sort of shit the world’s about to throw at us, I’ll get through it because… because I’ve got you.”

Sirius turns, fixing him with an incredulous stare. “Merlin,” he says. “I can’t believe you said that. That was so gross, Moons, so cheesy.”

Remus swallows, rolling his eyes. “M’sorry.”

Sirius grins. Leans in so that their lips brush together when he speaks. “Don’t be. I loved it.”

And then they’re kissing like it’s the easiest thing in the world, because it actually sort of is.

___________________________

Sirius is right. Things will change when they get home. They’ll be thrust into something far too grim for people their age to deal with, and they’ll take it all on the chin because they have to.

When it gets too dark, Remus will close his eyes, and he’ll think about Sirius. Sirius, sitting on the beach with the sun in his hair and on his skin and how he looked the first time Remus ever kissed him - like something from a fairytale, something entirely otherworldly.

Remus and Sirius will fight. They’ll say things that they wish they could take back, but they can’t, and then they’ll be tender with each other because at the heart of it all, love sort of does have to conquer everything else that tries to get in the way. They’ll make up in the mornings and they’ll have tea, and read books, and they’ll start a vinyl collection, and they’ll argue about which Bowie album is the best, and they’ll get to be normal, somehow, sometimes, in the middle of everything.

They never stop loving each other.

___________________________

On their last day in California, Remus wakes Sirius up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunset. Neither one of them are morning people, so it involves a lot of grumbling, but they haven’t seen the sunrise since they’ve been here and they both decided they wanted to this morning.

Sirius is wearing Remus’ jumper and Remus is wearing Sirius’ Queen t-shirt and their fingers are laced together as they slip out of the house, down the path, to the beach. Remus spreads out the towel he brought and Sirius sits down, tugging Remus next to him.

“This was a terrible idea,” Sirius whines and Remus shushes him, knocking their shoulders together.

It’s still dark outside but the sun is just beginning to peek above the water.

Remus and Sirius are quiet. They’ve found, in the past day or so, the niceness of being able to be quiet with one another. Remus reaches for Sirius’ hand and Sirius reaches back and Remus squeezes gently. Sirius leans in to rest his head on Remus’ shoulder and Remus snakes an arm around his waist, thumb brushing along Sirius’ hip.

“I’m gonna miss it here,” Sirius murmurs.

“Me too,” Remus agrees.

The sun rises slowly, painting the water pink and orange and blue and red. It’s beautiful and peaceful, and Remus wishes he’d stolen Lily’s camera to take a picture. It takes him a moment to realize that Sirius is staring at him.

“What?” He asks, frowning. Sirius shakes his head, a fond little smile playing at his lips.

“Nothing, I just-” he cuts himself off, reaching up to cup Remus’ face in both of his hands. He leans in, kissing him gently, and Remus melts into it. Kissing Sirius is the easiest thing in the world. The best thing in the world. Remus doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it.

“What was that for?” Remus asks when Sirius pulls back, and Sirius just smiles, hands still cupping Remus’ face.

“I just don’t think I’ll ever feel more like myself than when I’m with you.” It’s a sweet thing to say, and Remus gets it, he really does, because that’s how it’s always been with the two of them. No need for masks, or for hiding. It’s special, really, to find someone you can just be yourself with. “And I think you’re so beautiful,” Sirius breathes. Remus laughs and reaches out to wrap both arms around Sirius, pulling him into a tight hug.

They adjust a bit- Remus sitting with his knees up, Sirius settled in between them, lying back against Remus’ chest. It’s getting lighter by the second, and Remus doesn’t think there’s ever been a more wonderful sight.

He’ll remember it forever, he thinks, this feeling. Sirius’ weight against him, the rise and fall of his chest, their hearts beating for each other.

They stay like that until it’s completely light out. Sirius yawns and stretches and pulls away from Remus only to turn around to face him again.

“Should we go back in?”

Remus is struck- again- with how lovely Sirius is. The sun lights him from behind and he sort of looks like an angel, and Remus can’t help the grin that overtakes his face.

“What?” Sirius asks. Remus leans in close, whispers something in Sirius’ ear.

Sirius’ face explodes into rays of sunlight and he catches Remus’ lips in a kiss. They stay like that for a very long time.

And this is how they should be remembered. Beautiful and young and free, with the California wind in their hair and the sun on their faces. A love like theirs is something special. It’s fierce and strong and wonderful and it’s warm rain and a shared cigarette and a book with dog-eared pages and it’s running through the forest and- most importantly- it’s theirs. Uncompromising and unconditional. The moon and the star burning bright for each other forever, until the end of time and beyond.