i
the students of ilvermorny school of witches and wizards were well aware of the warfare happening across the pond.
they had seen the carnage caused by the dark lord in their own newspapers. some had even signed up for papers made in britain and france—the two countries most effected by the rampage of genetic cleansing. it made most sick to the bone. some too sick to look away.
holly newport was one of those people.
she sighed and frowned every time she read the numerous papers she had signed up for but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the dark, depressing lettering. it was terrifying but it was scarier to not know. she wanted to be prepared. something in her told her that america would not be far behind, especially considering just how far voldemort’s ideals seemed to be spreading. she had seen multiple classmates of her adorning sharpie drawings similar to those to be found on death eaters.
she hated those people.
this wasn’t politics. this had become a war on life and freedom a long, long time ago.
it seemed everyday that new people would pop up with temporary tattoos and whispers of agreement whenever they read about a new no-maj family being killed. she had to be torn away from fights with those kinds of people multiple times, her friends not fully understanding just how hurtful it was for her to see those kinds of people.
they didn’t understand the fire inside of her, eating her from the inside out as she felt herself sit compliant to all that was happening because she couldn’t help. she had no choice.
how would she make it to britain? how would she make it out of massachusetts alone?
she couldn’t. it hurt her heart.
she felt too much, her mother had always said. but maybe her mother felt too little. miss newport had never been an exceptionally understanding woman. especially when it came to her daughter.
everything felt so far away. holly was too far away. she had to get closer.
her opportunity came in the form of a meeting with ilvermorny’s headmaster, elandro veylin.
—
holly did not like to think about the last time she was at the top of ilvermorny’s tallest tower. it sent shivers down her spine and molded a lump in her throat.
she wrapped herself in her sweater and swallowed quickly, avoiding eye contact with the headmaster.
“good morning, miss newport,” professor veylin said, his charcoal-esque voice infiltrating the previous silence. “i know that it is quite a surprise to be called here just after the school year ended, but there are quite important matters to discuss.”
holly narrowed her eyes, her mind honing in on what he could possibly mean. she stopped skipping therapy, had been clean for nearly a month and a half, and even started talking to people other than her own family again. this was the best she could do. she’d be damned if he tried to demand more of her.
“this has nothing to do regarding alexandria–” he paused at the look she gave him. it was withering. elandro felt his heart tear. this girl had been through so much. “i wanted to speak with you about the recent events occuring in britain. i know you’ve been keeping up with them, quite a lot, actually.”
holly only nodded and wrung together to try to stop herself from shivering once more. people never mentioned her name anymore, especially those who hadn’t known her well. it’s what holly had wanted.
“me and various macusa officials have been convening to discover various ways to aid those in britain and france.”
holly’s heart jumped. this could be her chance. her distraction. her escape.
elandro noticed the way she perked up and smiled slightly. he knew she’d be the perfect candidate.
“i thought you might be interested,” he chuckled. he was right. “let me outline the parameters of this job first. you would undergo training at macusa in various fields. including, but not limited to: espionage, magical forms of information extraction, self-defense, and weapon training. you would be subject to considerable physical and mental exertion. it would be incredibly hard, though, i have a feeling that if anyone can do it, it would be yourself.”
“that will not be a problem,” holly spoke for the first time, surprised at the strength in her voice. “what will i be doing in britain?”
“you will be participating in an international mission, along with one other ministry-trained official of a similar age. you will be required to…apprehend members of the hogwarts student and teacher population in order to gain information. you will be allowed to use outlawed practices such as obliviation and truth-telling methods to gain trustworthy information. you will not be allowed to tell a soul about this. not even your mother.”
“how do you expect me to leave the country without her noticing my absence?” holly questioned, feeling herself deflate slightly at the knowledge that her mother would never let her out of the state by herself, nevermind the country after everything.
“we have already contacted your mother, explaining that you have been invited to an international exchange program where one student will be swapping places with you here at ilvermorny and you at hogwarts. she has agreed to the prospect as long as you promise, as well as the staff at hogwarts, to not let you, quote, ‘wander into dangerous, dingy shops’ and ‘get pregnant with british babies’.”
holly made an understanding noise, still wondering how they convinced her because she knows that those promises would not be enough to quell her mother’s anxiety.
“there may have also been some…persuasive measures or…spells involved.” that makes much, much more sense. elandro looked bashful, his hands folding in front of him. “you must understand these are especially dier times.”
“i see,” holly said, waving her hand in dismissal.
she understood the circumstances completely and honestly found the prospect of presley newport being fooled by macusa quite hilarious. the woman had such a stick up her ass, holly was sure it acted as a repellent to any sort of persuasion or outside-of-the-box thinking.
“when is this training starting?”
“in a week's time,” elandro said, glancing at the calendar that sat on his desk to his right. it was filled to the brim, but holly could see the big star next to the date that read ‘training starts, must submit final paperwork’. “i’m sure that will be enough time to say goodbye to your mom and any others that you will be leaving behind for this mission.”
“yes, yes. it’s more than enough,” holly muttered but the words felt sour leaving her mouth.
she was not sad about leaving her mother, only the friends she had already dropped after everything happened with alexandria. she had left all of her friendships on an awkward, teetering tightrope and she was unsure how to walk on it without it snapping under her heavy baggage and plummeting her even deeper into rock bottom.
so, she hadn’t done anything to remedy those relationships. she doubted she would even say goodbye to them.
she would miss her brother. a lot, actually. he had been a big help in keeping her afloat as of late, but he had already been off, spending his summer as a child while he still could. she had been doing decent without him there. maybe it would be good she’d be away, he’d finally go back to having a normal home life.
“wonderful,” elandro said, but his voice sounded much less cheerful than he had been moments earlier. maybe he could see her internal turmoil. she hoped he wouldn’t do anything. “would you be up to meeting your partner today after you finish filling out this paperwork—” he slapped a hand on a gargantuan pile of contracts and legal work that she would have to dig into soon “—or would you prefer to meet them another day?”
holly contemplated the question. she eyed the pile of paper. she was already starting to fold in on herself and would no doubt feel like a ball of skin by the end of the day, so she answered with a succinct,
“no.”
“very well,” elandro said. he knew that if he tried to push her into meeting anyone else today, she likely would not make the best impression. this was likely for the best.
holly held her hands out wordlessly and elandro understood immediately, pushing the pile of papers over to her. holly threw her legs over the side of the chair, glad she wore jeans instead of the skirt that her mother had originally put out that morning for her. she glanced at the pointy pen in her hand and started to read through the contract in her lap.
the next hour was spent in silence, the only sound having been the scratching of pens and the sound of a page of paper rubbing against another. when a couple more minutes had passed, elandro looked up, surveyed the young woman in front of him before deciding it was safe to speak.
“would you like to put on a record?” elandro asked delicately, hoping he wouldn’t scare her or disrupt her too harshly. at her curious eye, he gestured toward the record player and the rows of records underneath it. “pick anyone you want. i love all of them.”
she put her papers down, thankful for the distraction. she had been working nonstop and knew she would have to stop soon otherwise her hand would start to cramp. as she wandered over to the records, her eyes skimmed over the various titles and artists. fleetwood mac. queen. the beatles. crosby, stills & nash. george harrison. pink floyd. the doors. to start, at least.
holly would not have guessed her headmaster to have such an impressive collection. after a moment of close consideration, she carefully palmed the ‘wish you were here’ vinyl and decided it would do. it wasn’t long until the intro to ‘shine on you crazy diamond’ sounded throughout the office.
holly did not look up when her headmaster mused, “pink floyd. i expected you to be more of a fleetwood mac person.”
“as much as i love rhiannon, it’s not my top choice today.”
all the headmaster did was hum and they both sunk back into their work. one decided that the traumatized girl in front of him was truly getting better. and the other one was left feeling guilty at the way she hadn’t even thought about her old friend at first who had loved fleetwood mac with all her soul and would have jumped at the chance to hear them.
—
“i see you found your way home,” holly’s mother called from the kitchen as holly walked in, dusting herself off from the floo. “what were you doing at the headmasters for so long? or i assume you were there the whole time?”
“i was, mother,” holly said, containing her groan. just what she needed after hours of reading and a throbbing headache. “there was just a lot of paperwork to fill out on my end, as well as information to learn about the exchange program.”
“i see,” presley newport murmured, shaking her head in dismissal. holly watched as the caramel curls she adorned everyday bounced and bobbed with her movements. “well, since you’ve made yourself so scarce the whole day, please at least assist in cutting up some of the vegetables for tonight. it’s nice to finally have someone who can help me with dinner. god knows that finn will never do anything.”
holly’s lips broke into a smile at that comment. finn was her younger brother, merely twelve years of age and eager to meet people and be a child during his summer days. he knew that if he was out of the house from dawn till dusk he would not have to help his mother with anything because their mother held such a soft spot for the young boy, she would rather slave for hours over the stove or a knife than have him stop playing with friends.
that same soft spot did not apply to holly, though.
that’s the way it had always been. holly had gotten used to it long, long ago. she preferred it sometimes, especially in times like this where she didn’t have any friends to distract her. she needed something to keep her mind off the past, and if cutting carrots, and sometimes her finger was that something, then so be it. it would have to do.
holly glanced up at her mom whose back was still turned toward her. “how do you feel about me leaving for so long?”
presley’s hand stilled over the oven for just a moment and when she resumed her stirring, it was significantly more mechanical than it had been. “i feel not as bad as i thought i would feel about it, i mean, you’re nearly of legal age and already of legal age in britain. i think it will be good for you to get away from here. from this town and it’s reminders of…her.”
it was holly’s turn to still until she regained movement, this time on autopilot as she digested her mothers words. “oh. i agree, i guess.”
“i’m glad you do, honey. it’s time you get over what happened.”
the knife clattered onto the cutting board and holly whirled fully to face her mom. “what? what do you mean ‘get over what happened’?”
“what i mean is that i think that it’s time you step toward the future and away from the past. i understand that what happened hurt you. i saw it hurt you, but you can’t keep living in this–this shell of a human anymore, holly. it’s devastating to watch.”
“it’s been six months, mom,” holly said, happy to finally meet her mother’s eyes.
she felt herself deflate. her eyes were perfectly clear, no lingering trace of a spell to be found. her mother wasn’t just spewing what she needed to justify holly’s absence, she genuinely believed her words.
“and six months should be long enough to start to move past it.”
“what the fuck?” holly said, uncaring at the shock and anger that now plagued her mom’s face. “i’m sorry that i’m not recovering as quickly as you want after my friend killed herself in our shared room with pills that i gave her. i’m sorry that i’m not the picture-perfect daughter that you want in your perfect fucking nuclear family. i mean, give me a goddamn rest. at least i’m still going to work and doing my school work, and, and, and i’m keeping my room clean.”
“do not speak to me that way, holly grace newport,” her mother seethed, shaking a finger in her face. “you reserve no fucking right to after i carried your ass from the couch into your bed every night and watched you suffer everyday for three months. i’m sorry that i had to force feed you everyday so you wouldn’t starve and end up in a grave right next to alexandria’s. you shouldn’t have gone through that, but you did and i’m sorry for that, but it’s time to move past it. you need to otherwise you never will. i see so much of myself in you right now.”
“the fuck do you mean by that?” holly asked, reeling back at her mothers words and choking down the tears she knew were forming.
“i mean that when your father died, i was the same way for two years before deciding that i needed to get off my ass and raise you.” holly’s mother started to collapse in on herself like a dying star. holly couldn’t draw her stare away from the hatred and the agony in her mother’s crystal blue eyes. “i decayed for too long and nearly didn’t make it out. you are the reason that i got over my grief and it’s a damn good thing, because without something to focus on, i would have rotted in guilt and grief and self-loathing. i cannot see that happen to you too.”
“you had two years, but i get six months?” holly asked, her hand coming to cover her heart as if it was in the line of attack. it seemed to be with the way it was racing around her chest, seeking a way out.
“i lost the love of my life, you lost your friend. and i understand that it hurts in a different kind of way, but mine went on for too long. yours will not. you have too much potential to be something. i never did.”
“bullshit,” holly seethed, but she could feel her anger starting to smooth. “it hurts in different ways but that does not mean that it deserves less time to reflect. maybe two years is too long, but six months is too short. i deserve to be grief-stricken for a little while longer.”
“but you won’t be, holly,” her mom said, “because you are going to be someone new at this school and you will make friends and do good because you know that’s what alexandria would have wanted.”
holly knew that her moving on would have been what alexandria would have wanted but she hated when people said that. it felt like a slap across the face. it felt like someone was calling her a bad friend while simultaneously twisted a knife deeper and deeper into her stomach. it felt like that because she knew that they were right. this is what alexandria would have wanted. but this isn’t what holly wanted. it was selfish of her and made her feel guilty but it felt so good to rot herself to the core when she knew she deserved the knife to the stomach and the harsh words for what she did to her best friend.
if she had never given her those pills…alexandria would have been right next to her in this mission to britain. she would have loved it, too. alexandria was an adrenaline-junky. holly was not.
holly opened her mouth to retort but the screen door of their house was thrown open and finn came rushing in, dirt on his knees and under his nails, talking loudly about how excited he was for the roast they would have for dinner. holly’s mother snapped to attention, wiping the tears from her face and the anger that clouded her eyes immediately, scared it would sabotage the boy’s future if he saw her be vulnerable.
her mother had always been their father and their mother. she had to be.
“i’m glad you’re excited, boy, but go clean yourself up otherwise you’re not sitting at my dinner table,” she said, running a hand through his sweaty, dirty-blond hair that resembled hers so closely. “the roast will be done in a couple, just have to steam the carrots your sister cut up.”
“okay,” he said, dragging out the end sound as he rounded the island and cuddled up to holly’s side. maybe she would miss someone while she was gone. “i haven’t seen you all day. can we please watch a movie tonight or something? all of us?”
“of course, hun.” their mother smiled. “now go wash, otherwise you’re not getting dinner.”
“okay, okay,” finn said quickly with a giggle and ran upstairs toward the shower.
her mother waited a couple moments after the shower turned on to turn around and say one last thing, “you’re telling that boy you’re leaving yourself. i’m not dealing with that.”
holly only nodded, feeling as though their previous conversation was not finished. maybe that was just all the pent up aggression inside her. she would go on a walk after dinner, she decided, let off some steam before her, no doubt, difficult talk with finn that night.
they had finished preparing dinner soon after that and finn was down merely moments before the table was fully set. her mother gave finn the task of getting them drinks, who had accepted graciously, as if it was a great honor to serve them as princess and queen. her mother and holly had both laughed without depth at his dramatic antics. finn hadn’t noticed.
it was a mostly silent dinner, the only talking being done by finn as he talked of the games he played with the boys in the cul de sac near their house. tag and sardines and kick the bucket had filled his day. holly and her mother exchanged no glances, both of them reflecting on their own days.
her mother had worked extra hours to help pay for holly’s therapy per usual and holly had spent her day doing paperwork and throwing a wrench into her own life in the form of deciding to move across the world. not that finn would ask about either of their days, which they appreciated oddly enough. he was much too young and babied by their mother to understand that sort of thing.
they finished soon after finn had been done discussing his story about how ricky adams had fallen out of a tree earlier in the day and been out of commission for majority of the games due to a badly sprained ankle and a helicopter mom.
holly cleaned up as finn and their mom picked out a movie for the night. holly would surely miss the first half due to the walk she still planned on taking, so she hoped it wasn’t one she loved. her mom entered the kitchen and stood beside holly as holly cleaned the last of the dishes.
“i think i’m going to go on a walk for a little while to blow off some steam,” holly mentioned, hoping her mother would understand enough to let her out.
she did not respond for a moment until she sighed and said, “very well, please bring a sweater or something so you don’t get cold. you can use the one out the closet if you want. just be safe and cautious, please. and don’t forget to talk to finn later.”
“i won’t, mom,” holly said, placing the last dish on the dry mat right beneath the kitchen window they left cracked all year-round. it didn’t really get cold in the south, not like it did up north. it was both a blessing and curse.
“also, holly,” her mom said just before leaving the room, “don’t mention our conversation at all, please. he’s too young to know about the details.”
“i know, mom, i won’t,” holly said, holding her breath until her mom exited the room. they were always so tense after a fight. it would be like this until the day she left, likely.
she lingered for a moment longer before walking to the hall closet and pulling out the jacket her mom had recommended her take. she padded the pocket and smiled to herself. at least her mother couldn’t judge her for this one. she called to the living room that she was leaving and was out the door before anyone even answered. she had heard finn ask her mom where she was going and knew that he would probably complain about her missing the movie when she got back. she was okay with it. he would forget all about her absence when he nestled into her side and fell asleep that night.
the only thing she could hear was the occasional chirp of a bird and the humming of a car that would drive past her on the mainroad. her town was pretty vacant of houses when you got a couple blocks from her own. her own house sat in a tiny subdivision with a cul de sac and a park and a school the opposite way about two miles down. though, if you went about three miles the other direction, houses were stretching apart with acres and acres between them. she would only explore that if she had a night where she had time on her hands.
tonight was not one of those nights.
she walked for nearly seven minutes before finding a decent tree to sit under that was perfectly placed to watch the sunset between two white houses. the sunsets in the south weren’t like any other, especially during the beginning to peak summer.
holly planted herself on the ground, uncaring of the dirt that would surely mar her jeans when she stood up. well worth it, she mused. she tucked a hand in her pocket and carefully pulled out the box of virginia slims and the lighter her mother kept in this specific coat. she only ever wore it when she was smoking. she didn’t want the smell to leak into her work clothes too heavily.
grabbing a slim out of the box, she placed it between her lips, cupped a hand against the wind and lit it. she sucked in, relishing in the feeling it gave her. she wasn’t in love with the taste, nor addicted to the nicotine. she merely enjoyed the feeling of it, the calmness that entered her so deeply. she exhaled, taping the slim once so that the dead ash would fall off. she finished the one she had and lit another. she had known it would be a chain smoking kind of night when she left the house and felt the warm summer air she would surely miss when she left for gloomy weather.
she smoked and smoked and smoked, the only thought in her mind being that she would have to pay her mom back when she got home.
she had demolished the pack by the time she got home and put a note in her moms coat that she would give her money after finn went to bed. hanging the jacket up gave her a whiff of cigarette smoke and she lifted her own shirt up to smell herself. not terrible, not the best either, she decided as she bounded up the stairs quickly to change into pajamas.
she made it back down and noticed that her little brother had chosen ‘planet of the apes’ for likely the thirtieth time in a row. she chuckled and shook her head, dismissing the look her brother sent her. he knew exactly what she was laughing about.
“you missed the whole first half!” finn said, crossing his arms over his chest angrily.
“i’ve seen the first half probably fifteen times, finny,” holly said, sitting next to the boy and opening her arms. he huffed and melted into her. she watched as the fake annoyance bleed off his face and into her shirt. she didn’t care as long as he was happy.
“just stay for the rest?” finn asked, looking up at her with the doe eyes they shared from their mom.
“of course,” she muttered, pressing a kiss into his hairline. she would really miss him, she realized. she could write letters, but it was hardly the real thing.
the three of them stayed in the living room well past when the movie was done. her mother had fallen asleep across the couch ten minutes after she had come back from her walk and finn had followed a small twenty minutes later. she was left to watch an ending she had seen time and time again.
everything was the same, all of it, yet she still enjoyed every aspect. as much as she gave finn shit for his obsessive love for the movie, she loved it just as much. it reminded her of her family, of her home. she looked down at her brother in her arms and smiled, he would do good without her here. everyone would, she realized. that was the only solace she held over the thought of her having to leave.
she carried finn to his room and placed him in bed before going back downstairs and tucking her mom in, locking the doors, and turning off the remaining lights.
the talk with finn could wait, packing could wait, everything could wait until she got a good night's sleep.