ii
holly had awoken the next morning before the sun and her family. a regular occurrence for the girl, especially since coming back from school. it was a quick decision to spend the sunrise on her roof when she looked outside and saw the barest sliver of morning light peek above the horizon.
she clambered out of bed, throwing a sweatshirt over her tank top and shorts and cracked her bedroom window. if she pushed it too far, it would creak and wake her mother up. that was not what she needed.
all holly wanted to do was be alone. ever since alexandria killed herself and her friends got over it only two months after, she had yearned to be by herself. she was the only one who could understand it.
the gaping hole in her chest, that is.
her mind hadn’t felt whole since she woke up and found her best friend overdosed in her bed, having been dead for hours while holly slept peacefully feet away. guilt teared through her like a taloned beast.
if she had woken up to get water or go to the bathroom, she could have seen the sheen of sweat over alexandria’s pale face and rushed her to the nurse.
or if she had never given her those pills the week prior. they were only to stop the pain in her shoulder that had come from getting a nasty hit during practice. they were left over from holly’s leg surgery a couple months beefore.
or if she had just stayed away their first year like she had told herself to do. alexandria was too precious for holly’s touch. they should have just stayed acquantinces, maybe even surface-level friends. they had gotten in too deep with one another.
holly’s hands shook, her chest tightened as though she was being wrapped in a hug by an anaconda. she couldn’t help the quick breaths that left her or the tears that sprung to her face and rolled like a mountain stream down her cheeks. the world was spinning. it had to be ending. she had to be ending. this was it. this was when she died and went to hell before ever making right what she made so so wrong.
the only way she would be able to help alexandria again was if she did good in this mission. her evilness would be outweighed by the good she did for the rest of the wizarding population.
she didn’t give a damn if she had to kill voldemort with her bare hands.
he would get what was coming to him and holly would see alexandria again, even for just a moment before god decided that she actually did deserve to burn.
holly whipped her tears with her sleeves, uncaring how they stuck to her wrist due to the rainfall that amounted on the sleeve cuffs. she had felt a new sort of determination and adrenaline enter her and she knew she’d be chasing that every moment of however long it took to defeat the dark lord.
—
holly had stayed on the roof for what felt like hours, but it was closer to half an hour when her mom called her down for breakfast and she stood with stiff joints.
she threw off her sweatshirt when she got into her room, the temperature having risen in tandem with the sun. she reached the bottom of the stairs just as finn bounded to the top and rushed down them with such ungracefullness, holly held her arms out to catch him when he surely fell.
finn did not fall, instead he jumped into her arms and hugged her around the neck. his arms felt like a warm scarf that squeezed just a little bit too hard to where she couldn’t breath. she didn’t care, it wouldn’t be long until this was a foreign feeling to her—she forgot to talk to finn.
shit, she cursed in her head, glancing down at the boy who hung off her like a koala. when he detached, an idea sparked in her head.
“do you want to go to the park together after breakfast?” she questioned, wrapping an arm around his skinny shoulders as he pulled them both to the table that had a perfect southern breakfast laid out and excitedly accepted her invitation.
golden brown biscuits that had butter dripping off every pore, a cheesy bacon and grits casserole that smelled delightful, hash browns that she could already feel being the perfect mix of crunchy and plushy. she had never seen an image so perfect. holly glanced at her mom. she hadn’t cooked a breakfast like this in months, possibly years. holly didn’t care what had possessed her to do this, she dug in with an empty stomach and ready mouth.
finn loaded his plate and would likely go back to get seconds and holly did something similar. she was sure she wouldn’t finish all of it, she hadn’t been able to eat like she used to after everything. but, the plate was considerably filled, doubling what she had eaten the night before.
presley smiled at the food on her plate and holly felt a pang of guilt hit her heart. she should apologize to her mom for what she said. she just hoped her mother would return the favor (she likely wouldn’t, holly had learned early on but that didn’t stop the thought of “maybe one day”). her mom teased finn for the way he scarfed down half of his plate and started to pile on more of the potatoes that he had already demolished. it was impressive, actually, how fast that boy finished his food.
holly and her mom joked with finn about how he would choke if he didn’t slow down. finn looked up with big eyes and a smile filled with food and shrugged. the newport girls laughed as though they hadn’t screamed at each other a mere twelve hours prior.
her mother had always preferred it that way; to ignore everything that they had said and pretend that everything was a field of roses. little did she know, thorns were starting to grow and holly was become barbed with anger at her mother’s lassiez-faire attitude. that was likely the biggest pet peeve of holly’s—not finishing what you started.
though, holly wouldn’t be the one to rehash the conversation that morning. not when a tearful talk had to be done with finn.
when they had finished up and holly helped her mother with the dishes, finn was nearly tearing holly’s arm off with his excitement about the park visit she had promised. he tapped his foot outside door impatiently as she got dressed and holly smiled at his hurriedness.
by the time she had slipped her shoes on, finn was already out the door and skipping down the sidewalk toward the park that sat a couple minutes from their home. holly raced to catch up with him and when she got close enough, she challenged him to a race and sprinted forward. finn gasped and hurried to catch up, calling unfairness on her abrupt challenge. finn’s cackle followed her own, the same way the slaps of his sneakers followed her’s rhythmically.
finn’s bounded toward the swings, ignoring holly’s whoops that dripped with triumph. he rolled his eyes but a smile was present on his lips. holly settled into a swing next to him and debated how to start her explanation.
“we haven’t gone to the park in a while,” finn said, pumping his legs to get his swing to touch the clouds.
“yeah, you’re right,” holly said, guilt seeping into her heart at the thought of her neglection. “i’m sorry i’ve been such a bad sister these past couple months.”
“it’s okay, holly,” finn said. “i know what happened.”
holly only hummed, slowing her swing down as her heart rate started to rise. “i have to talk to you about something. it’s really important.”
“you’re not pregnant, are you?”
holly’s laugh ripped through the air a second before finn’s. god, she would miss this. “no, no, you will not be an uncle soon, finny.”
“good!” finn said, shaking his head as if he had thought in depth about the topic. “i do not have the time.”
“and what have you been so busy with, mister?” holly said, smiling at the younger boy.
“see, i have this thing called friends,” finn said, waving his hands around. “i know you’re foreign with the concept and everything, but i’m sure you’ll find your way soon.”
“wow, okay, i see how it is,” holly said, reaching over to slap his shoulder. finn screeched as he flinched backwards, acting as though he was going to fall off the swing. “oh my, god, you are so dramatic.”
“you almost killed me back there,” finn said with a small smile.
holly waved him off before sobering up. right. they came here for a reason. she sighed and turned more in the swing to face the boy. “i’m going to britain.”
“what?” finn said, shock marring his face. “for what?”
“school,” holly said, cracking her knuckles. “i’m doing an exchange program where i go to britain and a british kid is coming here. i was offered a spot and since it’s highly selective and a good opportunity, i accepted and mom gave me the okay.”
“wow,” finn said, trailing off. he was taking this better than she thought he would. “um. how long are you gone for?”
“the next school year,” holly said, wincing at the way the boy’s face dropped. “at least, that’s what i was told. it'll only be longer if i decide to work in britian or if i get accepted into the work program them have for post-grads.”
holly hated lying to him. it felt like a tear in her character and her role as a sister. finn didn’t deserve it, but he also didn’t deserve the fear that would come with the reason she was actually leaving. he knew very little about the war in britian, but he knew that there was one. that was enough for him to make inferences.
“i can probably still come home for christmas and thanksgiving, maybe. i don’t know if they have a spring break or anything, but i’ll send a letter once i know. i’m sorry, finn. i know this is really sudden.”
“it’s okay, i guess,” he said, wringing his fingers together, not listening to the cracks that started to form in holly’s heart. “when do you leave?”
“in like six days, including today,” holly said with a regretful smile. “it’s a short time but it’s something.”
“i guess, we just have to fit in a summer’s worth of time in a week then,” he said, standing out of the swing and opening his arms for a hug. “i still love you even though you no longer love me and are leaving me for so long.”
“shut up, finn. you know i still love you,” holly said, smiling through her sadness as she wrapped her brother in a hug. “plus, this isn’t the end. we’ll see each other after all this is over. i’m sure of it.”
—
holly knew she should write letters to all her friends explaining that she was leaving, but, god, she did not want to. one, it was so much writing. and two, she hadn’t spoken thoughtfully to many of them in months. she doubted they even wanted to see her name on a piece of parchment again.
the first letter she wrote was to alice, a girl she had known since before ilvermorny. they had meet in miss g’s second grade class, having been sat by each other and also been wearing cream bows in their hair on the first day of school. they liked to call themselves twins because of it despite the tan on holly and the ivory skin of alice.
dear alice,
i’m sorry i’ve been m.i.a for the past couple months and i’m sorry that this is the first thing i’m saying now that i’m actually speaking to you again, but, i’m leaving for britain. i was invited to do an exchange course for the year and i figured it would be a good way to escape and get myself through everything that happened.
i’ll miss our endless sleepovers and your laughter and the debriefs we would have after every big group hang out. i love you through it all and i’ll see you during christmas break.
lovingly,
holls
nearly every letter she wrote was the same, but she couldn’t think og anything else to say.
“i’m sorry that i dropped you and our whole friend group.”
or maybe,
“i know that i’ve been a bitch for the past couple months but forgive me because i’m leaving for a year to live across the ocean.”
the last letter she wrote was addressed to her headmaster.
dear headmaster veylin,
i hope this letter finds you well. i am writing to inquire about a meeting with the board in charge of the upcoming events. as well as a meeting with the similar-aged partner i will have. i am curious about certain semantics. if i could possibly have the name of this partner, that would be lovely. thank you very much for this opportunity.
best regards,
holly newport.
holly whispered, “ut litteris inveniret suus dominus.” and watched as the letters disappeared one by one off her desk to find it’s recipient. she was nervous for her friend’s responses, unsure if she would even get one from some. she hadn’t left her relationships in the best shape. for a while, she couldn’t look at any of them without thinking of them dead in their beds, pale face and empty eyes.
the same way she found alexandria.
holly fell asleep that night, thinking of her dead friends and wondering if she would be a monster at hogwarts, too.