The Sweet Escape
Regulus got someone to cover his shift the Friday before Christmas, which isn’t exactly an easy feat to be had but Kingsley was insistent. In all honesty, Regulus was planning on just pushing it off again but he’s been putting off hanging out with Kingsley for weeks and he can’t help but feel guilty. He figured he could give him this. He’s working every day until his birthday after this anyway, so really this was the only way. It’ll also hopefully get Kingsley off his back about not being around, or maybe it’ll all be the same, either wa,y it’ll be good to see him. He comes around during all his lunches but it’s different than actually being together. Kingsley picked the time and place. A brunch at a small cafe just down the road from both of their works. Regulus has never been there but apparently Kingsley swears by their drinks.
It’s a slow morning, by the time Kingsley shows up Regulus is still getting dressed. Kingsley doesn’t even bother waiting for him to come down he just walks right in. The only reason he has a key was because of the one time Sirius took Regulus on vacation and he needed someone to come in and water his plant. Kingsley volunteered and kept it alive for that week at least. It’s dead now and Regulus still hasn’t gotten another to fill the pot. Kingsley still has the key though.
“I thought I told you I’d be here at eleven,” Kingsley calls up.
Regulus reaches to grab a sweater from his top shelf before throwing it on, “You did,” he says as he’s coming out of the room. It’s not that he meant to be running late or anything. He just couldn’t actually get out of bed. He’s been working so many early shifts the idea of having an extra hour to just lie in between warm sheets was too much for him to pass up. “I’m ready now.”
“It’s been twenty minutes,” Kingsley says, but he doesn’t sound the least bit annoyed, and he’s got that look in his eyes. That open-eyed look that Regulus can’t very well explain. It’s something he sees in James too when he’s deep in thought. Regulus ignores it walking to the door, expecting Kingsley to follow him, which he does.
“You have today off don’t you?” Regulus questions, locking up before following Kingsley. It’s snowing, but he didn’t bother to put his coat on, it might be a mistake on his part but he won’t mention it now.
Kingsley hums, “I took off for you.”
It’s the busy season for Kingsley too, with people trying to get last-minute Christmas photos. Regulus doesn’t understand the point of getting it this late in the year, it’s not as if they can use it on a card at this point but Kingsley says it’s still just as bad. Plus it’s not just framed shots Kingsley occasionally has parties too he attends. There are a lot of weddings this time of year too.
If it were anyone else Regulus would make an excuse for later in the day. He’d say Sirius needs him and he’d have to leave by a certain time, but with Kingsley, it doesn’t matter. Regulus will probably go to his place afterward and sit on his couch for the rest of the day. It’s always simple with him, he doesn’t have to overthink anything. They’re quiet when they get in the car. Regulus can feel Kingsley’s eyes on him. He doesn’t put music on, it’s not that long of a drive. Normally Regulus wouldn’t miss it, he’s used to the silence between the two of them, but a part of him wants to turn on stupid Christmas music even if he hates it. If only to have something to listen to. He sets his head against the rest instead, watching as the scenery passes him. There’s a slight flurry of snow falling around them, it makes the world turn quiet. Utter silence with only the two of them.
“I was thinking,” Kingsley starts, “There’s this botanical garden a little bit away, they have this light show when it gets dark. We could go to my place and stay there for a bit and then drive out there.”
Regulus let’s his head lull over to look over at him, he shrugs, “King you know I don’t like-”
“I know,” Kingsley says, sparing a glance over at him, “I’m not trying to make you like Christmas things. I just thought it could be nice to look at.”
Regulus will sit through a lot with Kingsley, he really doesn’t mind as long as he’s there most of the time. He’ll go grocery shopping with him, or help him fold his laundry if he’s running behind on things. He’ll sit on the kitchen counter and watch Kingsley clean if he knows his family is coming over and the place is a mess. He’ll do all the things most people would find boring, things Regulus would never think about doing with anyone else, but he really doesn’t want to look at lights. He doesn’t want to do anything remotely Chirmstas tonight. Plus he already saw lights with James, and that filled his Christmas quota for the year, hell maybe next year too.
“I’d rather we just stay in,” Regulus tells him.
A moment of consideration falls over Kingsley before he nods, “Should’ve known I’d never convince you.”
Regulus feels himself smile shortly, “No one can.” Besides James Potter.
It’s not that long after that they pull into the parking lot of the cafe. It’s tucked between two other buildings, Regulus probably wouldn’t have noticed it if Kingsley didn’t point it out. It’s completely decked out with decorations, even from the outside. Garlands hang over the windows, covered with snow, and dull lights. Kingsley takes the first step towards the door and a little bell rings. There’s a tree decorated in the corner, tucked between seatings, and warm white lights are splayed across the place. They have a menu with obnoxious names for drinks too, because of course they do.
“Grab a seat,” Kingsley tells him, “I know what you like.”
Regulus nods, before moving towards a seat tucked into the back. There’s not that many people in the room to begin with. There are a few people with laptops typing away while their drinks get cold beside them. There are a pair of friends wearing bright Christmas sweaters laughing together, and a group of teenagers sit around the fireplace, their legs kicked up on the seats like they own the place. Regulus pulls his phone out while he waits for Kingsley in line. He’s not expecting anything, but he has a text waiting for him.
[James Potter]: When are you coming in?
[James Potter]: I thought you were working today
Regulus hesitates before responding. James almost never texts him, there’s not really a reason for them to. Besides the occasional time that James has invited him out when all the staff goes on their night outs, all of which Regulus denied, there’s nothing else in their log. They work in different departments, so it’s not as if they can ask to cover each other. Regulus glances back up at the counter, he’s not sure why, it’s almost an instinct. Kingsley is just getting to the register now, smiling at the barista while he gives the order. Regulus looks back at his phone.
[Regulus]: I got Lily to cover me
It takes not even five seconds before three dots appear and disappear again.
[James Potter]: Oh fun plans?
Something feels off about it, but Regulus brushes off the feeling.
[Regulus]: Not really
[Regulus]: Kingsley just wanted to do something
The bubble shows up again just to go away, it doesn’t come back this time. Regulus waits for it, but Kingsley is coming over to the table before anything can come from it. He sets his phone down beside him, focusing on the drink in front of him instead.
“Hot chocolate,” Kingsley says, “You have to have something wintery at least.”
Regulus rolls his eyes but takes it anyway, Kingsley kept off the marshmallows, he knows the hot chocolate is enough. “Are you and Sirius working together now?”
Kingsley smiles, “Not together, we just have a similar goal.”
Regulus scoffs, “Right,” he says, “Which neither of you are going to succeed in.”
He’s not even sure what the big deal is. Sirius never liked Christmas as a kid, and all Kingsley’s been doing these last few weeks is complaining about the holidays, but that has been more so with his family and work than anything else. The point is neither of them really has a reason to force him into liking the holiday, besides how much Regulus despises it.
Regulus' phone buzzes on the table beside them, his eyes immediately go towards it, tilting it upwards to confirm who it is.
“Who’s texting?” Kingsley asks, bringing his mug up to his lips to blow off the steam.
“James,” Regulus answers simply. “He was wondering why I didn’t come in.”
“Ah,” Kingsley says, biting the inside of his cheek before setting his drink down.
Regulus’ gaze flickers over to him, his eyebrows furrowed, “What?”
Kingsley shoots him a look, “Nothing.”
“No, what?” Regulus presses.
Kingsley sighs, and with a tilt of his head he says, “You know he’s into you right.”
Regulus scoffs, “No, he’s not.” He can’t help but notice the flutter in his chest. His cheeks heat up too, but it’s warm in here, that’s the only reason.
“Do you…” Kingsley says slowly.
“No,” Regulus answers quickly, “Why are you asking?”
It’s a simple question, really it’s not really one he’s wanting the answer to. He knows Kingsley likes to pry, him and Sirius both. They like getting under his skin, but he’s not expecting it. All he’s waiting for really is for Kingsley to laugh at him and then move on. Maybe complain about some of the clients he’s been working for, and then Regulus can complain about the people he waits on. It could be simple. It could be like it always is.
And then Kingsley looks at him.
He just looks, with his head tilted and that fucking look. Regulus knows what it means. It’s a lump in the middle of his throat, it turns his mouth dry.
“No,” Regulus says, but Kingsley just keeps looking at him, his eyes wide and lips tilted in a half-smile.
“Reg,” Kingsley says softly, too softly, he doesn’t sound like he’s ever sounded before, but also maybe he does. Regulus thinks he sounds the same, which is actually the worst part. This hasn’t just started, he realizes that now.
“No,” Regulus pulls away, pushing himself against the booth, but there’s nowhere else to go.
Kingsley doesn’t back down, he looks directly into Regulus’ eyes as he says, “I’ve loved you ever since I’ve known you, Reg,” he says calmly. “I couldn’t help it.”
Regulus looks down but there’s no escape, it eats away at him. He looks at his mug and sees Kingsley’s wide eyes swirling around in the chocolate. “King.”
“I tried to show you,” Kingsley says, his voice still lighthearted. “You wouldn’t let me, which is fine, but I thought you knew.”
“I…” Regulus' voice falls flat. Did he know? Everyone was telling him but he didn’t… “You’re my best friend, King…” is all he can manage.
Kingsley smiles sadly, it reaches into his eyes, making them shine. Regulus feels sick. “I had to tell you,” he taps his fingers against the table; restless. “I can’t do this anymore, Reg.”
“Do what?” Regulus hears himself mumble, his lips numb.
Kingsley ignores him, “I go to the diner every day because I want to be around you. Even if it’s just for a few minutes at a time I miss seeing you, being around you.” he sighs before saying, “I got an offer; a job, two towns over. I could be independent but I turned it down for you. I’m happy I did! And it’s fine, it’s really fine. I’ve waited for you, and I’ve never complained.”
The realization settles over him slowly, “What?”
Kingsley moves on again, “And I never expected anything of you, I would never force you into anything, but,” he sighs, with a shrug, “I thought you loved me, Reg. I thought that’s what we’ve been doing.”
“You turned down a job for me,” Regulus mumbles, silently letting it replay in his mind. He knows Kingsley doesn’t particularly like where he works now. He’s at the mercy of the higher-ups and he can’t exactly choose the jobs he wants to. They give him the idea of choice but he really just does whatever they ask him to, waiting for them to eventually throw him a bone.
Kingsley shrugs, “I wanted to stay here with you.”
Regulus opens his mouth but no words spill out, he’s not sure what to say. All he can think about is how Lily Evans was right. She was fucking right. All those times, where she swore up and down that Kingsley was head over heels for him. All the times she teased him to just get his head out of his ass and see and now well… he doesn’t know what to do with it. He can’t do anything with it. He just shakes his head, “No.”
“Regulus,” he tries again.
“Please, no,” Regulus shakes his head quickly.
Kingsley just gives him that look again like he’s asking for more like he’s begging for it. Regulus knows he’ll never ask again. He’ll never ask Regulus to feel anything towards him, but he’s begging for it even without saying it like he thought it was certain Regulus was feeling it too.
Regulus takes a breath and he suddenly can’t. The air won’t reach his lungs, “I can’t,” he shakes his head fitfully, but it doesn’t lead anywhere. He just has to watch the heartbreak wash over Kingsley’s face. He can see the ache resting in his chest. He can fucking taste it, though that might just be him.
Kingsley just nods, “I just needed to tell you.”
He’s not asking for more.
“You’re my best friend,” Regulus says, but it comes out more of a whine.
Kingsley shrugs, “You’re mine too,” but it sounds different, and Regulus’ chest aches.
Regulus stands up, he doesn’t even feel it. It’s like he's on the outside of his body, not in control anymore. It’s all too much, and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. “I…”
Kingsley cuts him off gently, “Let me take you home,” he suggests.
Regulus shakes his head quickly, taking a step back, “No, no it’s okay.”
“Regulus,” Kingsley says, trying to mask his sadness. It doesn’t work. Regulus still feels it, it’s an ich on his skin that won’t go away. “You’re not walking home. I’ll drive you it’s not-”
“No, really,” Regulus tells him, trying to keep his voice steady. “Don’t follow me.”
Kingsley opens his mouth to argue but sits back with a nod, “Do you want me to call Sirius at least?”
Regulus shakes his head before he can even finish his sentence. He doesn’t want Sirius to ever know. He can’t tell him. He can’t run to him, not this time. “I’ll call him,” he lies easily.
He knows Kingsley knows about the lie, but he lets him go anyway. Regulus leaves without a word. He thinks once he’s out of there it’ll be better, but it’s worse. The cold air hits him and spreads over his chest until all his breaths come out as wheezes and he can feel his heart slamming against his ribs. He’s his best friend.
His feet carry him without him guiding them. He ends up going down the road, two minutes away and finds himself walking through the kitchen door at work. He’s not even sure why. He always avoids the place on his days off, but today he walks in, with hot tears streaming down his face and his breath hitching with every step he takes. He doesn’t get far into the kitchen, he doesn’t even move past the lockers. He just stands there pathetically sniffling as the busy kitchen works around him. No one sees him at first, but he can hear James’ music playing softly. It’s not even a 2000s or a stupid Christmas song, but he knows it’s James.
James isn’t the first one to find him though. It’s Marlene.
“Woah,” Marlene stops in her tracks. “Regulus?”
Regulus can’t even look up at her, he feels like a little kid standing just outside his parents' bedroom. Terror shaking through his body, he always used to turn away. He’d go to Sirius instead, to cry into his chest. Sirius would chase all the nightmares away, but Sirius isn’t here, and Regulus was never asleep in the first place. He can’t just say it was a dream. God, he wishes it was just a dream.
“Hey,” Marlene puts her hands on his shoulders, trying to shake him out of it, but his tears just come quicker and he’s not even sure if he’s breathing anymore. “You’re kinda freaking me out here,” she says nervously, looking around, “What happened? What’s… What are you doing here?”
Regulus opens his mouth to respond but instead, all that comes out is a pathetic whine, he slams his mouth shut, shutting his eyes firmly as if it’ll make him disappear. This isn’t happening. He’s not here. Kingsley’s in love with him. He’s his best friend. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair. It’s not fair that everyone saw the signs before he did. He was warned. Lily told him. She knew. He’s his best friend. It’s not fair.
He’s not sure what happens, it’s all blurry, but he feels Marlene’s hand drop from his shoulders only for new ones to replace them. These are warmer, and they draw circles against his shoulder blades trying to pull him back into his body.
“Hey,” James’ voice is soft, but Regulus can’t react to it. He’s his best friend.
James takes his hand and drags him away, and Regulus follows blindly. He doesn’t realize where he’s leading him until it’s quiet, and he looks around to find he’s in Alice’s office. Of course, she’s nowhere to be seen, and James locks the door so no one can come in. Being trapped in here doesn’t make him feel worse like he would’ve thought, he actually can feel himself take an actual breath. It’s shaky and barely anything, a small relief. James brings him over to the couch and pushes to the side of the room. This is nice. Sitting is nice.
“Reg?” James doesn’t ask what happened, he takes Regulus’ hand and puts it on his own chest instead, “Breathe with me okay?”
Regulus nods trying to take a breath, and he wheezes but it reaches the top of his lungs.
“Good,” James praises, “Again?”
Regulus closes his eyes tightly, releasing more tears as he takes another breath. James leads him through it again, until his chest doesn’t feel like it’s on fire and he feels weightless. It’s only then that the embarrassment floods his body, turning his cheeks aflame. God, why did he come here? He tenses, but James doesn’t drop his hand, he only moves it away from his chest, drawing circles around his palm.
“Are you with me?” James asks.
Regulus nods slowly but doesn’t open his eyes, “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” James says, after a moment he says, “Can you look at me?”
Regulus takes a second before opening his eyes, the bright lights are blinding but seeing James is worse. His eyes are filled with worry, they’re wide and soft, and Regulus can feel himself falling into them.
“There you are,” James says softly, and Regulus feels like a child.
He sniffles with a shake of his head, he should pull his hand away but he doesn’t, he lets James keep hold of it. “I’m sorry,” he sighs, brushing away his tears with his empty hand.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” James asks.
Regulus opens his mouth as if he’ll actually say anything, he’s not sure maybe he would’ve, but before he can there’s a knock at the door.
“Who’s in there?” Alice asks as she knocks again, after a moment of neither of them saying anything she sighs heavily, “James Potter open the door.”
James sends Regulus a look and he can just send him a shrug in response. Enough people have seen him cry today, fuck it, this might as well happen.
James drops his hand to walk over and unlock the door, swinging open the door, “Alice…”
Alice tilts her head, sending him a pointed look, “What are you doing?” She doesn’t sound angry, just mildly annoyed which is understandable.
Regulus doesn’t move from the couch, he just dries the tears still lingering on his face.
James shoots her a smile, “Needed a quiet place.”
Alice’s eyes narrow in confusion until she looks over to find Regulus. She turns back to James and without hesitation says, “What did you do?”
James doesn’t seem offended, but Regulus feels the need to defend him anyway, “He didn’t do anything,” he croaks. When he stands his legs shake, but he manages it. “I just…” he trails off.
“I thought Lily covered for you?” Alice says, walking deeper into the room and plopping down on her chair, before shaking her head, “Actually, I don’t care,” she says, “Are you on the clock?”
Regulus shakes his head. “I was just leaving.”
“Okay,” Alice looks over to James, “And you?”
James ignores her, looking over at Regulus instead, “Do you have a ride?”
Honestly, Regulus didn’t think about that. He probably should have. He could call Sirius. He doesn’t really want to. They’ll have to talk, and he really can’t handle that right now.
“Let me drive you,” James says.
Regulus sends a look over to Alice before looking back at him, “You’re working.”
James bites the side of his mouth before looking at Alice, “Marlene and Benjy are here,” he says, “I’ll clock out I’ll be gone twenty minutes and I’ll come right back.”
Alice looks over at Regulus, and he hates the feeling of it. He hates knowing there’s nothing he can do to hide how pathetic he looks right now. She nods, “Twenty minutes.”
“Thank you,” James says, before grabbing Regulus hand. He keeps hold of it all the way to the lockers and Regulus can’t help but feel himself stuck on it, and how natural it was for James to grab it in the first place. James quickly grabs his coat and clocks out before walking out of the door, keeping his eyes on Regulus the entire time. “Are you okay?” It comes off as more ‘Are you okay being alone?’ and Regulus resents it.
He nods, dropping his hand and walking passed him to his truck parked right in the front. “I’m fine, James.”
James rushes over to the other side, “Are you sure?” he asks, “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but you were really out of it, Reg.” He sounds scared, and Regulus hates it, he wants to shove the words back in his mouth.
Regulus nods stiffly, “Just overwhelmed,” he answers simply, “I just want to go home.”
“Okay,” James starts the truck with no more questions to follow. He puts on cheesy Christmas music on low volume and Regulus welcomes it. He leans his head on the rest and closes his tired eyes, they burn against his eyelids. He doesn’t think about it. He can’t think about it now here. He can feel James’ eyes on him though, as if he’s trying to read what’s going on in his mind. It’s crazy that Regulus considers giving it to him. It’s only a ten-minute drive though. So he can hold off until he’s out of the truck.
Regulus looks back at him through the open door, “Thank you,” he says softly.
“Of course, Reg,” James whispers, “Any time.”
Regulus sniffles and opens his mouth a final time, but nothing comes out. He closes it instead, sending a final nod before shutting the door and walking to his front door. Refusing to look back until he hears the truck pull out of the driveway, when he feels that James is far enough away he looks back to see the bumper drive out of view. It’s when the tears start again, big ones slipping down his cheeks.
“Fuck,” he whimpers, leaning his hand on the wall to keep himself upright. He looks down his hair slipping over his face, and the worst part is he really wants to call Kingsley. He wants him over here. He wants to sit next to him on the couch, even if it’s just in silence. He would know how to make it better. He would know how to comfort him but he can’t call him. He sighs, taking a shaky inhale before taking off his shoes and shuffling deeper into the room. He doesn’t do anything besides lay down on the couch, curled in a ball not even bothering to pull down the blanket off the side. His entire body aches, he’s not even sure how it’s possible. He wants to call Kingsley. He’s his best friend. He’s his best friend, that’s the worst part of it all.
He should call Sirius. He knows he should. Sirius would want him to, but he doesn’t do that either. He takes his phone out of his pocket and promptly places it on the floor, sliding it under the couch somewhere he can’t easily reach. He doesn’t want to look at it. He doesn’t want to be anywhere. He just wants his best friend.
❅❅❅
Regulus isn’t sure how long he sits there, but he knows time passes. He doesn’t feel it but it takes him with it, sliding through the tides that is time. The sun starts it’s slow decent behind his curtains that he never bothered to open at all. He knows he should be hungry by now, or at least feel something other than dread, but he hasn’t moved in hours and he thinks his entire body has gone numb. Not that he minds. He thinks it’s better like this, there’s no feeling of longing and no one to miss.
Honestly he thinks he’ll be there the entire night before there’s a knock at his door. He thinks it’s in his head at first. He’s been looking at nothing long enough his brain’s gotten bored, it wants to make something up, but then he hears it again. He lifts his head up slowly and his head burns, it feels like a thousand pinpricks stabbing his brain with every slight movement. His mind is slow to react to the third knock, he can’t recognize who it is. Sirius would just walk in by now. He doesn’t think Kingsley would be showing up right now. He doesn’t want to talk to him. He wants his best friend but he can’t see Kingsley right now.
“Reg?” The voice is tentative, but it also makes Regulus sit straight up.
He’s not even sure how but he makes it to the door without falling over, and when he opens it James Potter is revealed of all people his hands completely full with overflowing bags.
“Oh.”
James shoots him a soft smile, “I got off my shift, I wanted to check on you.”
Regulus’ chest is completely full, it’s turned all soft, he doesn’t know what that says. He just steps away letting James in, “What’s with the bags?”
“This isn’t all of it,” James explains, setting them all down on his coffee table. “I’ve brought more.”
Regulus opens his mouth to question it but James is already out of the door again. He goes over to the bags instead, wordlessly looking through them. When he realizes what James has done his shoulders slump, he really can’t get away from it can he?
“James.”
“I know,” James says, lugging in not only more bags but a massive box too. “I know you don’t like it, but I’m determined.” He drops the box on the ground before going back to close the door. “I’ll make a joyful guy out of you, Regulus.”
Regulus shakes his head, walking around the table to take his spot back on the couch. He slumps in the seat resting his head back, “I don’t think it’s possible.”
James hums shortly, before digging through the bag and pulling out a santa hat and haphazardly sticking it on Regulus’ head. When he pulls back he has a toothy smile and looks like an absolute doofus; ridiculous. Surprisingly Regulus doesn’t take it off, he lets it stay on. All he says is “What about you?”
James ducks back into the bag just to pull out antlers, they have jingle bells on them, and they sing every time James slightly moves. “How do you like them?”
“You look stupid,” Regulus tells him honestly.
“Exactly what I’m going for,” James says, his held tilted. A moment passes without either of them saying anything and Regulus can’t keep his eyes off him. He looks so stupid, but Regulus is sure he has a similar look. “Have you eaten anything?” James asks, looking through the bags again.
Regulus shakes his head, “No, not since…” his voice trails off, he didn’t even eat anything this morning. He was supposed to with Kingsley but well…
James doesn’t linger on the moment too long before saying, “I can order something,” he says, “Or make something I don’t know what you have. I bought snacks but we should probably eat something real before.”
Regulus opens his mouth, but he’s not sure what he’d say. He’s afraid he’d ask James is he was truly there, if he was real. Regulus wouldn’t believe it either way. He thinks he’s just made him up. He’ll blink one of these times and he’ll be alone again, the apartment only getting darker as the night wastes away. “I don’t have much,” is all he settles on.
“I’ll order pizza,” James says, before pausing and looking over at him, “Is that okay?”
Regulus nods slowly, “Why did you come?”
There’s a flicker behind James' eyes, they’re wide a million fires burning behind them, “To check on you,” he says, “And to prove you wrong.”
Regulus nods again, “Okay.”
James just smiles at him grabbing his phone, “I’m gonna call.”
Instead of responding Regulus gets up to go to the kitchen. He reaches to grab a glass, fills it with water, and grabs the Advil from the drawer. He stands in there longer than he really needs to listening to James rattle on their order before hanging up the phone. Even then Regulus doesn't leave, and James doesn’t follow him. Today doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t seem to matter what he does in here, or how long he leaves James to wait in the living room. It should be Kingsley, but Regulus doesn’t know what to do with all of that. He doesn’t know how to think about it, but he also doesn’t think he’ll cry anymore, he just feels numb to it all.
The worst part is no matter how many times he was warned or how many little comments he’s endured he would’ve never expected it. It’s not some bullshit self-pitying crap where he’d think there’s no way Kingsley would see him like that. Kingsley was just the only person Regulus had. Through all of the bullshit of his life, Kingsley was there for him. He’s his best friend that’s supposed to mean something it was never supposed to be anything besides that. They were on equal grounds. Maybe that’s not even it. Maybe it’s the fact that Regulus doesn’t feel those feelings for him, that’s the worst of it. He can’t feel like that towards Kingsley, it’s not in his blood. He looks at Kingsley and feels this immense love. He loves him so much but it never amounts to that. It can never turn into that. His heart is full, and he wants Kingsley more than anything, but he doesn’t want more. He doesn’t want things to change, that’s not what he signed up for it’s not fair. He’s never felt like this with anyone before. Kingsley was the one person he had and now he doesn’t even have him before.
Kingsley, wonderful Kingsley who gave up on a dream job just because he would be far away from Regulus. Kingsley who spent all his lunch hours at Regulus’ job just for a single glimpse of him. Kingsley who’s done everything he can to make Regulus’ life better. Can’t Regulus just give him this one thing? God, why can’t he just give him this one thing?
He tilts his head up when he feels his eyes start to sting, no he’s not doing this not again, not while James is here. He takes a breath, setting his shoulders back before walking back into the living room. He’s not sure how long he was in the kitchen but by the time he’s back most of the bags seem to be sprawled out over the floor and James is messing with the TV.
“What are you doing?” Regulus asks, moving to set himself down on the couch again.
“We need to be festive!” James exclaims, before turning on a video of a crackling fireplace with generic Christmas music playing in the background.
Regulus looks up at him, “I could kick you out.”
“So I should get to decorating then?” James says, setting down the remote before going to the box “The pizza should be here in like twenty minutes,” he says, “So I was thinking I would set up the tree to start with.”
James goes over to the box and starts opening it up before Regulus says, “I would’ve thought you’d be against anything but real trees.”
“Normally I would be,” James says, “But baby steps,” he reaches over to the bag to pull out an air-freshener in the shape of a tree, “Plus I got this, so it’s kinda like the same thing.”
Regulus should ask how much all of this costs. He should try to pay him back for some of it, even if he really doesn’t have the money and didn’t ask for any of this. He should do something, but he’s weak and numb to everything so he just lets James do whatever he wants. He keeps his eyes on the stupid fake fireplace and tries to keep it away from James pushing his sleeves up to put the tree up. It’s warm, despite nothing at all changing in here. There’s a slight haze over everything.
When the pizza comes Regulus doesn’t bother even getting up off the couch. James handles it bringing it out on plates. James keeps his on the coffee table, growing cold as he finishes up with the tree and starts out on the lights. Regulus is stubborn and in all honesty ,he could just sit on the couch the entire time, refusing to help and do anything Christmasy, but he already has the hat on. He takes the simple job of unboxing the ornaments for James to put up on the tree.
It’s hardly anything, but it makes James smile in a way that does Regulus’ stomach in.
“You’re really getting into the spirit of things, I see,” James hums, grabbing one from Regulus’ hands to put on the branches.
“Maybe I just want you to go away faster,” Regulus suggests.
“Nah, that’s not it,” James says, taking another one.
Regulus sighs but he doesn’t deny it, rustling through the bag for another one. They work in peaceful silence for a while, with the only sound of the crackling of the fire over the TV. That is until James turns around with a different look in his eye, one laced with determination, and Regulus knows what’s about to happen before it does.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” James says, “but you can if you want to.”
Regulus sighs, grabbing another ornament absent-mindedly tugging his fingers along the string, “Uh,” he’s expecting to shut it down. Not saying a single word, but instead, “A friend told me they loved me and I well….” It slips from his lips before he can even register it, he doesn’t know why he does it.
James doesn’t look surprised, he just nods, “Kingsley?” Quickly he adds, “You told me you were with him.”
Regulus sighs before nodding, “Yeah, Kingsley.”
It feels like a lifetime ago. It was only just this morning. Regulus should’ve known something was off, it didn’t feel right. There was something he was missing, he should’ve seen the signs.
Regulus is expecting more questions, but none follow, instead James says, “You know I’ve been on the other side of that.”
“What?”
“Kingsley’s side,” James explains, distracting himself by putting more ornaments on the tree. It’s mostly done now, they only have a handful left in the bags. “She was my best friend,” he says, “We grew up together and I don’t know I always felt something there.” He adds, “She didn’t clearly.”
Regulus almost wants to ask how could she not. It’s James Potter, if someone looks at him and doesn’t see the world they’re a fool. He doesn’t though, he just asks quietly, “What happened?”
“Well I told her,” James says, “It was late, the last night we had together before she went off to college, and I just couldn’t help it. I had to tell her. It was killing me that there was something about me that she didn’t know.” He looks over the tree, fiddling with one of the branches, “I told her that I loved her and that I didn’t expect anything but I did,” he laughs sadly. “I thought she liked me too. It was always the two of us, everyone would just combine our names every time they brought us up, there was never one without the other.”
Regulus clears his throat, he feels a lump when he talks, “And after… did you ever talk again?”
“Oh yeah,” James sniffles, looking back over to him. “I mean she’s far away now so not as much as we used to but we got over it. You’ll get over it too, you both will. It’ll be okay, Regulus.”
“Maybe,” Regulus mumbles reaching for the final ornament before passing it over to him, or trying to at least.
“No, you do it,” James says, gesturing to the tree.
Regulus sighs, before standing and finding an empty branch. When he pulls back he looks over to find James way closer than he thought he would be. “Did you ever resent her?” He murmurs, “For saying no.”
“No,” James tells him, “I mean, I was disappointed but it’s not her fault. It’s not your fault, you can’t help how you feel.”
“I could,” Regulus whispers, “I could make it true.”
“That’s not how love works,” James tells him, “You can’t just force it when it’s not there.”
Regulus meets his eyes, and they’re so wide, it almost kills him to look directly at him, like it’ll turn him to stone or an infinite ocean. He doesn’t speak, he can’t, he’s lost his voice.
“Plus, it’s not all bad,” James suggests. “I like my life now, it would be completely different if she said yes. I wouldn’t have…” his words trail off and Regulus doesn’t make an effort to try to pinpoint exactly what they mean. It won’t lead to anything good.
He takes a step back instead, clearing his throat, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he mumbles, sinking back onto the couch.
“Lucky for you I didn’t buy any more decorations,” James says, quickly changing the subject. He goes over to the bags pouring out candy and junk instead, “We can move on to the second part of the evening.”
“Which is?” Regulus questions.
“Christmas movie time,” James says.
“No.”
“Yes,” James sings, taking a seat on the couch. “I haven’t watched one this year yet I’ve been too busy. You have to help me out.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “I could kick you out,” he repeats, it’s an empty threat and they both know it.
James smiles over at him, “Not until we pick a movie,” he says, “I also bought hot chocolate,” he jumps up quickly abandoning the remote for the next thing on his mind. “Hold on.” He’s already in the kitchen before Regulus can say anything. He just shakes his head and pulls down the blanket from behind him. It’s gonna be a long night.
And it is indeed a long night.
James comes back with the hot chocolate and settles on Elf before snuggling into blankets and clicking play he opens practically all the candy and lays it out. “We have to have everything ready!” he says, “You can’t just watch a classic without an endless supply of candy, Regulus, it’s not right!”
Regulus lets him do whatever he wants, the exhaustion from the rest of the day rushing over him. He’s good, he keeps his stupid hat on and drinks his obnoxious hot chocolate that James added way too many marshmallows too. Once the mug is empty though and the movie is barely a third of the way through Regulus feels himself growing weaker, slipping deeper into the blanket cocoon he’s made for himself. He doesn’t know when he dozes off, he doesn’t even register he’s close to sleep at all until everything is darker and the TV is off.
He grumbles, opening his eyes slightly to find the candy on the coffee table all set away and sealed. “James?” He whispers, and he’s outside of his body, it’s on instinct.
“I’m still here,” James murmurs, he’s far away on the other side of the room.
Regulus almost wants to ask him to stay, in his exhausted-filled mind, but he knows that’s an insane thing to ask for, so he stays silent pushing his head further into the cushion instead. He feels a hand run through his hair and melts into it.
“I just wanted to clean up,” James removes his hand, once he knows he has his attention, “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Regulus wants to reach out, it would be so easy to take his arm but he doesn’t. He just nods gently between a yawn, “Okay,” he mumbles.
He can practically see James’ smile even with his eyes closed, “Sleep tight, Reg.”
It’s the last thing Regulus remembers before falling asleep again, covered in a sweetness he’s not sure he’s ever experienced before. It feels like it’s drenched in nostalgia, even if there’s nothing in his childhood that would share a familiar taste. All he hopes is that when he wakes up there’s still a tree resting just beyond his head, decorated with stupid ornaments and rainbow lights. He doesn’t let himself wake up enough to fully understand what saying that means, he drops back into the ocean, and an infinite field of snow. His chest filled with an aching pain, and his mind lost to a dreamscape of candy canes and way too much sugar.