Regulus wasn't doing alright—James knew this.
It’s nearing the one-year anniversary of the day Regulus Black became a hero. The day Regulus nearly threw his life away in a lake full of Inferi. The day Regulus was brought to the door of James and Sirius shared flat by Kreature, unconscious, bloodied, deep scars running down his neck, torso, arms, legs…
Sirius had warned James that something like this might happen. Regulus was always different from other kids his age—filled with a deep sadness that ran deep in his veins, glazing over his eyes, clouding his mind with unrelenting dread. Sirius had told James stories of a young Reggie stuck in bed, paralyzed from watching their parents argue over one another about him. Walburga would yank Regulus out of bed by his arm, forcing him to attend whatever dinner they had that evening, calling him an unwanted heir. Back then, Sirius would drag him around all throughout the manor for adventures, trying to shield him from the growing weight of their reality, fueled by their innocent youth. As they aged, Regulus’ head seemed to hang lower, his eyes rarely meeting Sirius’ own. When Sirius finally ran away to the Potters, Regulus only sunk deeper into the shadow of his parent’s expectations.
So, when Regulus disappeared into his room for far too long, James’ anxiety flared. He was the first to go check in on him.
He knocked on the door a couple of times before saying, “Reggie, are alright? You’ve been in your room for quite a while.”
Nothing.
He knocks again, louder this time. “Regulus love, you missed lunch. Have you eaten today? I can fix you something.”
Silence. Maybe he was asleep. James hesitated before fumbling with the doorknob, cracking it open with caution.
His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach.
Regulus is standing at the mirror, clutching his wand so tightly his knuckles had gone white. His eyes were glassy as he stared at himself with so much hatred and self-loathing, it sent a burning chill through James’ heart.
James pushed the door open the rest of the way in a panic, “Expelliarmus!” The wand flew from Regulus’ hand before he could react, James quickly catching it, and moving to stand between Regulus and the mirror.
Regulus’ head snaps towards James, expression changed to anger, “Give me back my wand!”
“No Reg!” James’ voice broke with emotion. “I’m not going to stand around waiting to let you snap and hurt yourself!”
Regulus shakes his head in disbelief, eyes widening, “I wasn't going to hurt myself James! When are you and Sirius going to stop suggesting I’m suicidal?”
James sucked in a breath, steadying himself., “When you start acting like someone who wants to be alive.”His words were firm, but filled with desperation. He wasn't prepared to have this conversation, but he would do it a million times if it would get Regulus to see his worth.
Regulus froze, his face dropping as his expression turned cold, void of emotion. James knew that look all too well—it was the mask that old Regulus wore, attempting to shut out the world. The Regulus that didn't know what love truly was, what it could be. The Regulus who had seen so much at such a young age. “Give me my wand.” Regulus demanded, voice sharp.
“Why?” James looks at him, tone softening.
“Because I am not suicidal,” Regulus said, staring James right in the eyes, “and if Sirius told you that, then he’s wrong.” Regulus has a fire in his eyes, one only a Black could muster.
James didn't look away; he had dealt with this version of Regulus years before they fell in love. “What happened last year when you fell in the water going into that cave?”
Regulus flinched—a movement barely noticeable to anyone other than James Potter.
“I almost drowned,” Regulus states flatly. “You think I did that for kicks?”
“You went all alone into a cave full of inferi in order to destroy a horcrux without telling anyone!” James frustration seeped into his voice, despite his efforts to stay calm. He knows it isn't him talking, it’s the years of emotions he was forced to shove away until he threw himself into a lake full of dangerous magical creatures at 17.
Regulus looks away, tension filling his body as he clenches his fists. “I was trying to weaken the Dark Lord!”
James shakes his head, his voice softening once again as a deep frown sets itself on his face. “Why is it that every other person we know had the sense to hit the deck?” James breathes in, trying to maintain control over his own emotions. “You know, people run away from this line between life and death and you seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wave to sway you one way or the other,” James can see the way Regulus is no longer looking him in the eyes, but he keeps going, stepping closer. “ You're careless with your life. You aren’t fighting on the frontline, but you're careless.” Regulus is completely avoiding James’ face now. James has never been able to stop talking once he started, so he continues, “Probably because your mother told you you were a waste of space in this family.” That struck a nerve—Regulus' eyes started to fill with tears, glazed over with memories from the past. “And the problem is you believed her!” This catches Regulus attention, eyes flicking over to James. James reaches out for Regulus' hand, desperately holding on as if anything could take him away. “If you don't watch out one of these days, you're going to die because of it.”
James' touch is gentle as he pulls Regulus into his chest. For a moment Regulus stays quiet, stiff and unresponsive as he lets himself get pulled into James’ embrace. His eyes are blank as James pulls him down, until James starts to feel a wet spot forming on his shoulders from Regulus’ tears. The dam had broken, Regulus trembling as he clung to James, sobbing into his shoulder.
“Reggie, love…” James squeezes his eyes, frustrated with himself that he let it get to this point as Regulus’ shoulders continue to shake. James just pulls him impossibly closer, Regulus getting louder by the second.
“I’ve got you, Reg. You’re safe. I’m sorry” James whispers soothingly, kissing Regulus on the forehead, and holding him like he would blow away in the slightest breeze.
Regulus choked out, “You're right James, I- You’re right I’m sorry Jamie please don't be angry wit- I can’t-” His breathing hitched, nearly hyperventilating. His eyes are moving rapidly, like he’s trying to get a grasp on the situation, on reality. A sight too familiar to James.
“Reggie… Reg, hey look at me,” James tilts Regulus' head up to try and make him meet his eyes, “breathe Reg. I’m not angry, love. It’s okay, you’re okay. You’re here with me, Reg. We’re home, our home. Your parents aren't here, the war is over. You are safe.” James slowly and gently grabs Regulus’ hand and puts it on his chest. “Follow my breathing, it's going to be okay.”
Regulus takes a couple more, painstakingly slow minutes, before finally starting to match his breathing with James’, “I- James I just… I can’t do this James.” He whispers
James grabs Regulus’ cheek, looking into his eyes, “Can’t do what, Reg? It’s okay.”
“I can’t James, I just see you and Sirius, and… and Remus and everybody! You’re all so happy and every time I catch myself smiling along, I can't help but know that I don’t deserve it. I- I don’t, James.” His crying picks back up, albeit less violently as the last.
James wipes the tears away with his thumb, “Regulus Arcturus Black, look at me.” His tone is serious as he continues, “You deserve good things, just like the rest of us. You deserve every bit of love in this world, and I will remind you every day until you believe it.”
Regulus took a shaky breath, his composure crumbling despite his best efforts. “I know you all love me, but I don’t think I’ll ever deserve the love you give,” he whispers, voice trembling before it starts to rise again with growing desperation. “I- I’m a horrible brother, a horrible boyfriend—I make you two worry about me, I can’t get past things as fast as you two. I’m a horrible son, a filthy blood-traitor to my parents, I-”
“Regulus, stop it.” James cuts off regulus’ dangerous thought spiral, voice firm but gentle as Regulus begins to pull away.
Regulus backed away further until his back hit the wall. Sliding down to the floor, he buried his face in his hands, palms angrily shoved into his eyes. “It’s true! I don’t deserve this James, I was a Death Eater—I hurt people James! I don’t deserve any of you!” His voice cracked, as he pressed his palms into his eyes harder, as though trying to push the tears away.
James approaches him slowly, as if confronting an animal out in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. Kneeling down, James once again takes Regulus’ trembling hands, guiding them away from his face.
“Reg,” James says softly, voice steady and grounding. Regulus avoids his gaze, “nobody has to earn love. We love you just as you are. You are a good person, and we all need you to believe that. You don’t need to throw away your life. We never asked you to prove yourself worthy of our love. Not me, not Sirius, not anyone. We just love you, Regulus—all of you.”
Regulus finally looks up at him, his eyes red and uncertain. “I just don’t feel like I even deserve to get out of bed in the morning, Jamie.” He admits, his voice raw with honesty. “I don’t- I can’t sleep and I and everything feels so… pointless, down to the pit of my stomach. It’s like I’m just waiting—waiting for the next awful thing to happen and take all of this away.”
James leaned forward, wrapping him up in a careful embrace. “Reg, it's okay,” he murmured, holding him close. “You can let go; you don't have to carry this all alone. I’m here, Sirius is here. Even Remus would be here in a heartbeat if you asked. We love you, Reggie. All of us.”
For a while, Regulus stays quiet, his tears gradually subsiding as his breathing evens out.
James lets the quiet settle before breaking the silence with a small, hopeful smile. “Here, how about this,” James proposes, “It’s getting late., Let’s lie down for a while. Then, in the morning, I will make the best breakfast you have ever tasted, and we will get you out of this dark room of yours for some movies, even those sappy Muggle ones I know you love.”
Regulus lets out a soft giggle, sniffling a bit as he wipes the remnants of his tears, “Yeah, that… that sounds okay. I’d like that.”
James grins, pulling Regulus to his feet. He led him to bed, getting each other comfortable, Regulus resting his head against James’ chest.
“Thank you, James” Regulus whispered, his voice barely audible as his eyes started fluttering shut.
James presses a gentle kiss to the top of Regulus’ head. “Always,” he replied. “I'll protect you from any threat, love—even the ones in your mind.”