Would You Rather

“STRIKEEEE!” yelled James, jumping up in the air as he ran towards Sirius, who joined in on his celebration with equal enthusiasm.

The two boys spent a few seconds cheering and high-fiving over James’s strike before calming themselves down, allowing Sirius time to make his way over to the ball dispenser himself. Picking up his blue bowling ball, Sirius approached the runway with a sudden, intense focus— his silver eyes narrowing as he stared down the pins on the other end. Remus had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. He was so fucking dramatic.

Peter must’ve shared Remus’s opinion on the matter, letting out a soft snort as he zoomed in on Sirius’s figure through his phone camera. Peter insisted on filming every single turn those two idiots took, praying to the bowling gods up above that one of them would slip and fall.

Unfortunately, the closest he’d gotten was a video of Remus nearly tripping over his feet, slipping around like a newborn giraffe. Even more unfortunately, the little asshole refused to delete the video. Fucking traitor.

Sirius took a few deep breaths, bringing his bowling ball up to his chest. This time, Remus really did roll his eyes. He just couldn’t help himself.

After spending way too long mentally preparing himself, the idiotic boy brought the ball back, releasing it onto the alley way with absurd amounts of speed.

How the hell did he even do that?! Why were James and Sirius so good at bowling?! It was one of the many mysteries of Remus’s life. He’s absolutely convinced they’ve taken bowling classes before. There’s no way that kind of skill was natural.

Very unsurprisingly, Sirius got himself a strike, initiating yet another intense celebration with James. They did that literally every time. Without fail.

They were so stupid.

Okay, Remus knows he’s a pessimist. Really, it was written all over him, made even clearer by his constant complaining, and extremely frequent threats of suicide. While all of this was still true, something about December just seemed to strip Remus of all signs of depression, leaving him acting like an over enthusiastic Christmas-lover from a Hallmark movie. But who cared— Remus knew he certainly didn’t. No amount of quips and bullying from his friends could change his opinion on this matter.

Christmas was the best time of the year.

It was like he got some sort of temporary, natural high, allowing him to live life to the fullest, running on nothing but snowman shaped cookies and hot chocolate with candy canes sticking out of the top.

The music, the decorations, putting up Christmas trees, making Christmas cookies, attending little holiday get togethers, and smelling all of the new holiday scents at Bath and Body Works— Remus loved it all. Passionately. With all of his heart. His friends were more of Halloween people, but they still found it in their hearts to pretend like they cared about Christmas at least half as much as Remus did.

Remus would roll his eyes about their obsession with Halloween and call them alcoholics or some shit, but as previously mentioned, he was feeling too jolly for that shit. Not even their very incorrect opinions could bring Remus down.

Seasonal depression feared him.

In fact, he was feeling so jolly, he didn’t even complain once as they drove across town to the old, run down bowling alley in downtown Hogsmeade, paying absurd amounts of money to the gloomy looking workers at the front to rent some bowling shoes.

Now, you may be thinking, “But Remus, you’ve been complaining this entire time!”

Well, yeah, but he had a reason. He didn’t start the day out by complaining, he just sorta… teporarily lost his mind. Like, how the hell was he supposed to stay positive when his fucking ball went into the gutter four fucking times in a row?!

So, yeah— by that point, Remus was definitely complaining. Just a bit.

Okay, maybe a lot a bit.

Anyways, he would never forget December first of his Freshman year. That may sound really off topic, but he swears he has a reason for mentioning this. It’s because that was the day Remus was kidnapped against his will, dragged by his fucking ear into this bowling alley, and forced to watch as James and Sirius got into a heated bowling competition— both of them far too competitive to settle for a loss.

Remus remembered sitting at that dingy table off to the side with Pete, eating fries, and loudly judging as Sirius tried to show off with some strange ass, spin move, managing to nearly take out the person in the aisle next to them.

It was fucking hilarious.

Now, three years later, literally nothing had changed. The bowling alley was still a piece of shit, Sirius and James were still competitive as hell, and the date was still December first.

It’d become somewhat of a tradition, spurred originally by Sirius (very unsurprisingly), simply because he liked the way the bowling alley was decorated.

Remus couldn’t deny it— the place certainly had some Christmas spirit. From the snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, to the literal seven foot Santa Clause statue creeping in a corner next to a pile of presents, the place looked like a Walmart version of the North Pole.

To make matters even more extreme, all of the employees were forced to wear dumbass elf costumes— down to the pointy hats, jingle belled shoes, and massive ears— throughout the entire month of December.

Remus had never been so grateful to work at Circle-K. He liked Christmas, but not that much.

He rolled his eyes once again as the badly animated badger on the screen above them motioned for him to take his turn, forcing Remus to haul himself off out his safe little booth, and enter the battle zone.

Why the hell was the mascot for the bowling alley a badger? Remus had no clue. All he knew was that the freaky little animated bitch pissed him the hell off.

James and Sirius never sat down during bowling— they insisted on watching every play, bending down and resting their hands on their knees as they watched Remus or Pete send their ball straight to the gutter. They looked like over enthusiastic gym teachers. It was ridiculous. All they were missing was the loud ass whistle, and the tendencies for pedophilia.

Anyways, that was irrelevant. In case anyone was wondering, Remus was absolutely fucking horrible at bowling. Like, so unbelievably terrible, you’d wonder if he was even trying. He really was, he swears— he just sucks fucking ass.

Sirius had been making the dumbass, “You’re either good at bowling, or good in bed,” joke the entire goddamn time. Remus was seconds away from bashing Sirius’s head in with his bowling ball. The urge grew stronger with every passing second.

Remus walked up to the ball dispenser thing with a sigh, picking up a neon orange bowling ball, and making his way to the runway.

“Look at that grip!” Sirius jeered from the side, an evil smirk on his face, “His finger positioning is that of a professional! This definitely looks like it’s gonna be a good round for our dear Moony. What do you think, Prongs?”

James cleared his throat, immediately taking on the same mocking, news presenter voice Sirius had been using.

“I’d say you’re absolutely right, Pads! Moony’s been having a bit of a rough strip tonight, but I’m sure with that form, and those big, strong arms, he’ll bring home the win!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Y’all are such freaks—“

“You said it, brother!” Sirius continued, holding his fake microphone in his hand, completely ignoring Remus altogether. “Here folks, we have Remus John Lupin— weighing in at 182 pounds, and standing at around six feet, six inches—“

Remus head snapped over to the dumbass boy, his mouth open hanging open in shock.

“How the hell do you know my exact weight—?!”

“—Pretty ideal bowling proportions, I’d say.” Sirius ignored him again.

“Exactly right, Pads— exactly right!”

“I think we should make some score predictions here— what do you think about that, Prongs?”

“I think that’s a fantastic idea, Padfoot!” James looked up, holding his chin in his fingers in thought, “My prediction for the day has to be—“

“Okay, no more paparazzi.” Remus cut James off abruptly, shaking his head as he looked across the aisle to the dreaded pins. Remus tried to just knock them over with his mind, willing them to just let him hit at least one pin. One little pin— that’s all he asks!

Remus might’ve been slightly better if he’d been allowed to used the stupid child rails, but obviously, his friends wouldn’t let that slide.

Fucking masochists.

Remus took a deep breath as he drew the ball back, his eyes narrowing at the pins up ahead.

Just one pin, he pleaded in his head, praying to the same bowling gods that Peter often did. Just one pin. Anything but the gutter. Please, just one pin—!

…

There was a loud thud as Remus drew the ball back, leaving his hand suspiciously empty, and his friends oddly quiet. Remus looked down to his bare hand, the ball rolling miserably backwards on the slippery floor towards Peter.

..

…

Holy shit, Remus had dropped the fucking ball.

The stunned silence didn’t last for long. Next thing Remus knew, his friends all burst out laughing. James and Sirius dramatically dropped themselves to the floor, army crawling towards Remus as they wheezed.

Yep, this was it. Remus was killing himself. Say goodbye, everyone— this was his last day on Earth! Death by bowling ball— what a pathetic epitaph.

How the fuck did he drop the fucking ball?! What the hell was wrong with him?! That was genuinely the most pathetic moment of his life. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He was seconds away from airing the place out— leaving no witnesses.

Sirius had managed to crawl all the way over to Remus, grabbing at his ankles as he laughed, and making Remus flinch with a yelp— his legs attempting to jump out of Sirius’s reach.

“Back off, bitch—!”

“What the hell was that?!” James exclaimed breathlessly between laughter, “What is this— Wii Sports?!”

Sirius let go of his hold on Remus to clutch at his stomach, rolling around as he laughed hysterically.

This was a grown ass man, by the way. Remus couldn’t believe Sirius was actually eighteen fucking years old. There was no way this bitch, rolling around on a bowling alley floor, could legally drink in some countries. The world was doomed.

“He must’ve thrown his controller at the TV!” Sirius added on, equally as breathless as James.

“He wasn’t wearing his safety strap!”

“He didn’t hold down B!”

“We should’ve done the little ‘oooh’ sounds the Miis make!”

“He’s stuck on the ‘how to release the ball’ screen right now—!”

“Alright, both of you shut the hell up.” Remus grumbled, reluctantly picking his abandoned bowling ball up off of the floor. Remus kicked Sirius hard in the side, making the boy groan and untangle his body. He moved to do the same to James, but his reflexes were too quick, allowing the other boy to pick himself up off the floor and back to his feet before Remus had the chance. Sirius followed soon after, wiping tears from his eyes and he tried to control himself. Remus was seconds away from just walking home. Fuck these assholes. He’d steal the car too— maybe go get Canes using James’s credit card.

Bowling really was just public humiliation. Like, why a hell are they making someone walk up to the runway all alone with some big ass ball, and forcing everyone else to watch as they miss the pins tragically? Who the hell came up with this?!

Well, sure— not everyone was as bad as Remus— but still! Humiliation!

James and Sirius returned to their previous PE teacher stances, though this time with far more amusement plastered on their faces than before. Remus also couldn’t help but notice the phone in Peter’s hand, angled suspiciously towards Remus with the same smirk he’d had earlier. He’d beat that asshole up later, mark his words.

Remus drew the ball back once again, ignoring the snickers coming from every direction. This time, he managed to actually hold onto the ball long enough to send it down the runway, watching in misery as the piece of shit completely curved to the right, landing straight in the gutter, just a few inches away from the pins.

He groaned, throwing his head back, and ignoring his friends’ reignited laughter as he trudged back to the ball dispenser, waiting impatiently for his bowling ball to return.

Unsurprisingly, his second attempt went in a very similar fashion. Remus swears there must be something wrong with the fucking ball. There’s probably a magnet in it, drawing it towards the gutter. Or maybe, Sirius and James had somehow predicted Remus would pick the orange one, and had turned it into an RC car before they showed up, controlling it through a little remote to sabotage Remus’s chances.

Did Remus really think those two idiots would ever bother with something so complex? Yes— yes the fuck he did.

Remus dragged his feet as he made his way back to the booth, trading places with Peter, and silently cussing out the badger on the screen, frowning as it chanted, “Better luck next time!” That little piece of shit. Remus would like to see the fucking badger get down here and throw that ball. See if that little bitch could even pick it up, let alone hit anything.

…

Okay, now he was just being dramatic. Praying on an animated badger’s downfall was a new, all time low.

Remus placed his head in his hand as he observed Peter with mild interest, watching as the boy picked up his yellow bowling ball, hauling it up to his chest as if it weighed a million pounds. Remus snorted, making Peter snap his head over to give him a firm glare.

Bowling was obviously a bit of a sore spot for the both of them.

As Peter prepared to take his turn, fighting with Sirius over something random Remus couldn’t hear, Remus noticed Peter’s phone still lying on the table, unattended. With a sly smirk, he picked the phone up, opening up the camera and pointing it deliberately in Peter’s direction, but only after deleting the absolutely awful videos the boy had taken of him previously. There was no way he was letting that kid keep those. He didn’t trust him.

He watched through the camera as Pete took a few deep breaths, the ball still held closely to his chest.

“Any day now!” Sirius quipped.

“Yeah,” Remus added, unable to help himself, “We’re burning daylight here—!”

“Oh, shut the hell up, Remus!” Peter cut him off with a scoff, turning around to face the pins once again. Remus zoomed the camera in, making sure to really focus on Peter.

As Peter finally drew the ball back, Remus held his breath, already preparing himself to laugh.

Despite his previous betrayal from the bowling gods, he decided to pray to them once again. Don’t hit any pins, he repeated. Don’t hit any pins! Send that thing straight to the gutter—!

Peter released the ball, sending it soaring down the runway with a pathetic lack of speed. Remus watched Peter physically deflate, his mouth shifting to an annoyed pout.

Remus watched and watched as the ball snailed its way down, his amusement transforming into absolute horror as Remus realized it wasn’t curving. In fact— the ball was going in a perfectly straight line. Right towards the center of the pins.

…

Holy shit— Remus was gonna cry. Literal tears.

The ball continued its path, finally hitting the very front pin. Remus could feel himself lean forward in anticipation. More and more pins toppled over, each one sending another down with it.

Holy shit.

There was another round of stunned silence as all four boys stared at the pins— each and every fucking one of them knocked over.

Holy fucking shit.

It was only after the sound of the Strike screen went off, sending artificial cheers throughout the aisle, that James and Sirius were snapped back into motion. With delayed cheers, the two boys threw their hands into the air— immediately running towards Peter and crushing him into a hug. Peter squirmed and protested, but the annoying boys ignored him, jumping up and down in circles, and moving Peter right along with them. Remus scowled from the sidelines, angrily chomping on a chicken strip as glared at the score board.

Remus was now significantly losing. Horrifically. Terribly. Like, with no possible chance of a comeback.

Call him petty, sure, but Remus couldn’t help himself. Very slowly, Remus finished the video he’d been filming, tapped on the little trash button in the corner, and placed the phone back, face down, where he’d found it.

…

Yeah, that settled it. Remus really was just pathetic. He was such an unbelievably sore loser.

Maybe he wasn’t quite as jolly as he’d once believed. Remus was still, unfortunately, an absolutely terrible pessimist.

•••

“Okay, what do we name this one?” James asked, holding up his brand new Elf on The Shelf they’d just bought at the store in the same fashion one may hold a baby bird.

“Do they all have to have names?” Sirius groaned, causing James to gasp dramatically, an offended hand shooting to his heart.

“Pads, you wound me! Of course they do!”

Sirius rolled his eyes, glaring untrustingly at the small stuffed doll. Remus couldn’t help but agree with Sirius on this one. James was a bit crazy about Elf of The Shelves. Remus would even go so far as to say James had an Elf on The Shelf addiction.

How the hell does one develop an Elf on the Shelf addiction? Literally who knows. Remus certainly doesn’t.

…

Okay, well actually he does, and unfortunately, it was kinda all his fault .

It all started, much like the bowling thing, during December of Remus’s Freshman year. Remus had casually mentioned to James that he seemed like the type of guy to be obsessed with Elf on The Shelves, and to Remus’s utter dismay, James had claimed he had no clue what those were.

Sirius didn’t know what they were either, but don’t worry— he would soon. Very soon.

Feeling sorry for James’s apparent lack of childhood, Remus decided to explain how the little elves worked— telling James about the way they move around the house, and that you couldn’t touch them, or else they’d lose their magic.

James was instantly intrigued by the idea (exactly as Remus guessed he’d be), and insisted on going out to buy one that very day. Obviously, James got his way— forcing Effie to drive him and the rest of his friends to Walmart to pick himself up an elf.

James fucking loved that elf. He’d named it “Jamesington III”, despite there being no first or second, and would personally move the little doll around the house, excitedly telling the rest of them about its new position every morning. Remus, Sirius, and Peter, being the judgy little fourteen and fifteen year olds they were, obviously made fun of him for it. Every day. Without fail. But James, being James, just ignored them, never allowing their judgement to cloud his enthusiasm.

Just a few weeks after buying the first elf, James dragged them back out to the store to buy another.

“What the fuck do you need another one for?” A younger, and much meaner, fifteen year old Sirius asked James with a scowl, dragging his feet as they approached Walmart’s holiday aisle.

“Because Jamesington III needs a friend! He looks so lonely!”

Fourteen year old Remus rolled his eyes. Obviously, not much had changed there.

“That’s such a dumb name.”

“Yeah, can we change it—?”

“No!” James exclaimed loudly, looking offended that Peter would even ask such a thing, “His name’s perfect!”

“No, his name’s stupid,” Sirius grumbled, “I don’t know why you care so much about this dumbass elf. You’re acting like a little kid.”

James just glared at Sirius, not bothering to answer as he grabbed another elf off of the shelf.

Ha.

That one had been named Jamesington IV. After that, Remus forbade any more elves to be named Jamesington. It felt like elf abuse.

Now, you’d think that there wouldn’t have been any more elves, but obviously, there were. Every year since then, James has gone out and bought another elf, followed up a few days later by another, because he didn’t want any of them to have to “third wheel”. James’s words, not Remus’s.

So far, if Remus’s memory served him right, James had Jamesington III, Jamesington IV, Siriusington (Remus was pissed about that one. It was literally the same as Jamesington. Still elf abuse), Lily (Remus’s was also pissed about that one), Alfredo, and Kylie. The last two were really random, but still better than the previous ones.

Remus had asked one time which ones were couples, and James just said they were together by years. This posed many questions in Remus’s mind. First of all, that would make the two Jamesingtons be together, which seemed like incest. Second, that meant the Sirius and Lily’s elves were together, which was also really weird.

Once Remus pointed this out, James was appalled, immediately switching up the pairings. Now the couples were Jamesington IV and Siriusington, Jamesington III and Lily, and then, obviously, Alfredo and Kylie.

Alfredo was Remus’s personal favorite. He didn’t know why, he just was.

Remus looked over to the un-named elf in James’s hand, rolling his eyes at its plastic smile.

Sirius flopped down against the surface of the table they were sitting at with a groan, resting his cheek on its wooden surface.

“Could we pleaseee be done with the elves? They actually scare the shit out of me.” Sirius whined, flipping his head over to address Remus, “Do you want to know what this asshole did the other morning?”

Remus nodded. The elf stories were always hilarious. Remus couldn’t lie— James could be lowkey creative when he tried.

“So, I open my eyes, right?”

“Damn— really starting this story from the beginning—“

“Hush. So, I open my eyes, and what do you think I saw? This, like, massive spider web of red and green yarn all taped around my room, literally wrapped around every available surface. And, on the dumbass spider web, all of the elves were just, like, hovering over my bed! So, the second I woke up, I just had fucking Jamesington IV staring me down! It was terrifying!”

Remus snickered at the story, noticing the proud look on James’s face at the retelling of his past genius.

“Don’t laugh!” Sirius exclaimed, “This isn’t funny! You either, Wormy! You guys only think this shit is funny because you’re not being assaulted by six fucking elves every day! In the comfort of your own home! The other day, he put fucking plastic wrap over the toilet bowl, and blamed it on the elves! The fucking elves! He’s using the ‘elf’ excuse to make my life miserable! I got piss on my pajama pants because of this bitch’s fucking elves!”

Remus had to bring a hand up to his mouth to cover his smile, leaning a bit farther away from the angry boy to avoid being hit.

“Bro, how’d you not notice the plastic wrap before you started pissing?” Peter asked with a snort.

“Because it was the morning!” Sirius exclaimed, “I was tired! I didn’t think I’d have to be on the lookout for fucking plastic wrap as I took a piss!”

“Poor planning, lowkey.” Remus quipped, leaving even farther away.

“Yeah, this one seems like it’s on you, Black.”

“Well, there was definitely something on him—“

“Literally kill yourself—“

“Guysss,” James completely ignored Sirius’s dramatics, moving the elf to shake it in front of Peter’s face. Peter spluttered as one of its stuffed arms slapped him in the nose. “Help meeee!”

“Why should we name it?!” Peter asked, swatting the elf away from his face, “It’s your elf!”

“Elf fetish.” Sirius mumbled under his breath, causing James head to snap in his direction.

“I don’t have an elf fetish!” James rolled his eyes at Sirius, throwing the cardboard box the elf came in at Sirius head. Sirius yelped as it smacked him the back of the head, causing him to finally sit back up again with a scowl. “I just think they’re fun!”

“I support having fun,” Remus put his hands up defensively, “But having this many elves is a bit weird.”

“What do your parents’ friends think when they come over?” Peter asked.

“Better question— what do your parents think?”

“They think he’s a fucking freak.” Sirius’s grumbled aggressively at the same time James said, “They think it’s funny!”

Remus couldn’t help but believe James. The Potters are far too supportive to call James a freak. Literally ever.

“This might be the only thing James and Sirius ever disagree about.” Peter mused, looking towards the new elf thoughtfully.

“Y’know, you’re right!”

“Well, how am I supposed to agree with him when he jacks off to a bunch of fake elves every night—!”

“NO I DON’T!” James immediately defended himself, almost instinctually— as if this was a conversation they regularly had. In all honesty, it probably was.

“YEAH HUH!”

“NO—!”

“I think the elf looks like a Jeremy.” Remus interrupted the two boys’ argument, causing them to both look his way with matching looks of shock.

“Hey, I see it!” Peter nodded with a smile, snatching the elf out of James hand, much to the other boy’s dismay, “He’s such a Jeremy!”

Remus nodded. “Such a Jeremy.”

“What?!” Sirius exclaimed, a face of pure confusion and disgust on his face.

“What?” Remus asked, “Does he not look like a Jeremy to you?”

“What does a Jeremy look like?!”

Peter shook the elf back and forth, causing James to protectively snatch it from his hands.

“Like this guy.”

“Such a Jeremy.” Remus smirked.

“Such a Jeremy—“

“Stop it with that!” Sirius’s covered his ears, shaking his head with his eyes squeezed shut. “I hate you all!”

“Awww, Sirius!” Peter snickered, “We love you too!”

“Don’t use my line on me!”

Peter smirked. “What if Remus said it? Is he allowed to use it—?”

“Ay! Don’t bring me into this!” Remus smacked Peter’s arm, “Our hatred’s mutual!”

“Y’know what, Lupin?” James suddenly interjected, bringing the attention of the entire table over to him and his fucking elf, “I think you’re right! He’s such a Jeremy!”

Sirius slammed his forehead into the table quite dramatically, making the rest of the boys snicker.

“Such a Jeremy.” Remus repeated for what felt like the billionth time that day.

Peter smirked. “Such a Jeremy—“

“Go fuck yourselves.”

•••

“Get on the ladder, Lupin.”

Remus grimaced at the rickety ass ladder standing in a patch of rocks in front of him. “I’m not getting on that fucking ladder!”

“Get on the ladder.”

“No!”

“Aren’t you meant to be some big, strong man or some shit?”

“Aren’t you meant to be a feminist? Do it yourself!”

Marlene scowled up at Remus before looking towards the ladder, a seemingly involuntary shiver running down her spine.

“Hell no. Why don’t think I got you to do it?”

“You didn’t get me to do anything!” Remus exclaimed, “There’s no way in hell I’m getting onto your roof!”

Marlene groaned, hiding her face in her hands as she threw her head back.

“Loopssss,” She muffled out, “Please! I need these up by tonight!”

“Literally for what? Did the Christmas spirit police get an anonymous call?”

Marlene scowled. “I’m actually gonna throw you off this ladder.”

“Yeah, I bet you would. Good thing I’m not getting on it.”

In hindsight, Remus should’ve known that he was going to get roped into something like this. For some reason, when Remus got a text from Marlene just saying “Pull up,” Remus quite literally just pulled up. No questions asked.

For some wild reason, he hadn’t imagined he’d show up to Marlene’s house and immediately get a box of Christmas lights shoved in his face, and he certainly hadn’t imagined her leading him into her garage as she grabbed a ladder, expecting him to do all of her dirty work. It was hilarious that Marlene thought this would work out for her. She should’ve known better.

Remus had Christmas-light-putting-up trauma. There was no way for Marlene to have known that, but the fact still stood.

When he was, like, thirteen, his mom mentioned some shit about how she always wanted his dad to put up Christmas lights for the holidays, but he always refused. Feeling bad, Remus decided to help her out— tediously balancing a ladder he borrowed from his neighbors on the floor of his balcony, and climbing up onto the roof of his apartment building. Very unfortunately, about halfway through the process, his ladder ended up getting blown off of the fucking balcony by a gust of wind, leaving Remus ladder-less and terrified.

…

Yeah, his dumbass literally got stuck on the roof— and he stayed stuck there for literal hours until some gracious soul driving by noticed him and the ladder both in very odd places, and took some initiative. It was pretty humiliating to have some random dad have to rescue you off of a roof, but his parents were both gone, his phone was inside, and desperate times called for desperate measures.

While that entire situation had been a traumatizing shit show, he stilled managed to get the front half of their roof done, which was apparently enough for Hope Lupin. His mom was so extremely overjoyed to have lights up, that it almost made it all seem worthwhile.

Almost.

Also, those lights are still up on his house to this day. The landlord hates it, and Lyall thinks it looks fucking stupid, but no one is brave enough to get up there and take them down, so there they stay.

Well, technically James and Sirius were brave enough, but they thought the five year old lights were too funny to remove.

Marlene squinted up at the roof, one hand covering her eyes from the sun as she pondered.

“I bet James or Sirius would’ve done it for me.” Marlene mumbled just loud enough for Remus to hear.

Remus snorted. “Yeah, I bet they would’ve. Maybe you should’ve invited them?”

“Fuck you, Lupin. I’m gonna find a way to get you up there.”

Remus shook his head. There was literally no way.

“Free Dutch for a week?” Marlene asked, a sly brow raised.

…

Well, shit— there actually was a way.

Bribery.

This was literally Remus’s biggest weakness.

When Remus didn’t answer, Marlene raised the stakes.

“Two weeks.”

Remus shook his head.

“Three?”

…

His resolve was fading very quickly.

“Okay, fine.” Marlene rolled her eyes, “A whole month of free drinks.”

.

..

…

Fuck. She got him.

Remus Lupin was on a roof. He was a weak minded man, but at least he was weak minded man with free Dutch Bros for a month. Marlene’s manager was gonna love that.

“Here, catch this!” Marlene yelled, giving Remus only second to panic before a box was being thrown at him, causing Remus to nearly slip as he scrambled to catch it.

“Marlene!” Remus exclaimed, his heart racing as he held the box protectively in his hand, “You can’t just throw shit at people when they’re on a roof!”

Marlene mumbled an insincere “sorry” at him from the floor, slowly lowering the stapler gun she’d been arming herself with.

“Are you trying to kill me?!” Remus gaped down at the menacing looking tool.

“No,” Marlene rolled her eyes, “I’m just trying to give you all of the stuff! Now get down here and grab this stapler!”

Remus eyed her as he carefully stepped off of the roof, climbing onto the top ring of the ladder.

“You seemed annoyed, and I have no clue why, considering I’m the one about to risk my life for you—“ Remus voiced aloud, making Marlene roll her eyes once again.

“Leave it alone, Lupin.”

“I’m just saying! If anything, I should be the one pissed at you! I could die up here!”

“You’re not gonna die, and I’m not pissed.” Marlene handed the staple gun off to Remus when he was just a few steps from the ground, avoiding eye contact as she did so, “I just wanna get this done as soon as possible.”

“Okayyy,” Remus began climbing up the ladder, very unsafely keeping his eyes on the angry girl bellow him the entire time. “But if you wanna talk, just know I’ll be stuck up on this roof. Unable to escape. Forced to listen to you.”

Marlene snorted, but seemed to relax slightly. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear all of my problems.”

“No no,” Remus assured her, “I really wanna listen to your problems.”

Marlene gave him an unimpressed stare. “That sounded sarcastic as shit.”

“It wasn’t! I’m being seriou— honest!”

Marlene shook her head. “Well, now you seem almost too enthusiastic.“

Remus groaned. “You don’t even have music playing out here! What better to I have to do?”

Marlene rolled her eyes before getting up to stand, making her way towards the house with a huff. Remus threw his arms up in confusion, attempting to bend over the edge to watch where she was going.

“You’re just gonna leave me out here?!”

“No, dumbass!” She yelled back in response, already far into her garage, “I’m grabbing your needy ass a speaker!”

Remus grumbled, but held back his complaints. With Marlene gone, Remus had nothing to do but get to work. Pulling out a string of lights, he stapled the very end to the corner of the roof, his entire body recoiling backwards at the force of the gun.

Did people ever get taught how to put up Christmas lights? It kind of just felt like something you knew how to do naturally. A skill which randomly appeared in your inventory once you reached around the age of twelve. Really, it wasn’t all that hard to do. All Remus did was staple a cord to a roof over and over again. Sure, there were about a million other things he’d rather be doing that day, but it could be worse.

Unfortunately though, it was bright as shit outside. Despite the fact it was literally December, the sun was beating down on Remus like a fucking laser. He could feel sweat building up on his hairline, which he quickly moved to wipe with the sleeve of his hoodie. He almost regretted wearing one that day.

Almost.

Remus’s thoughts were interrupted by the slam of a door, followed by some very aggressive footsteps. Remus leaned over a couple of notches, just enough to see a blanket and a red, JBL speaker be thrown in a rolled up pile onto the driveway.

Remus raised a brow, leaning even farther over the edge.

“Marlene?!” He called out, being met with a few loud crashes coming from within the garage.

What the fuck was she doing?

“Hold up, Loops!” Marlene eventually answered, her voice strained and hard to hear over the sounds of something dragging across the floor.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Remus voiced his thoughts allowed, becoming increasingly panicked at the repeated commotion.

“Just hold on!”

Remus tried to hold on, but it was difficult. He found himself moving to his stomach, lying with literally half of his body hanging off of the roof, allowing him to peer into the opened garage door. Remus squinted as he stared at the upside down scene in front of him, his eyebrows furrowing as his eyes landed on Marlene.

“Is that a couch?!”

Marlene’s head snapped up from the couch she’d been dragging, her mouth slightly gaping.

“Remus, what the hell are you doing?!”

“What the hell are you doing?!” Remus snapped back instantly, “What do you need a couch for?!”

“Get back up there! You’re gonna fall!”

“I won’t fall!” Remus tried defending himself, but he could feel his hands loosing their grip, and all of his blood was rushing to his head. He needed to move. “I just wanted to see what you were doing—!”

“Get—“ Marlene grunted, jogged over to where Remus peaked over the edge, and began jumping up in the air, swatting her hands in his direction. “Up!”

“Hey!” Remus yelled, jerking his head out of her reach, moving his body into an awkward cobra position.

“I’m working!”

“On what??”

“Stop being nosy and get back to the lights!”

Remus groaned, but gave in— carefully pulling himself back farther into the roof, and onto his feet. Marlene watched as he did so, halting her jumping so she could put her hands on her hips like a disappointed mother about to scold her kid. Remus rolled his eyes.

“No need to supervise— I’m doing it.”

“Sureee.” Marlene raised a disbelieving brow.

“I really am! Get back to your top secret couch shit!”

“It’s not top secret,” Marlene rolled her eyes, “I just didn’t want to tell you because your dumbass was literally about to die!”

Remus mumbled something about being fine, but Marlene ignored him, moving herself back out of Remus’s view. Remus tried to refocus on the lights, but he was having a hard time— suddenly distracted by how loose Marlene’s roof tiles were. He nearly had a heart attack as he heard one of them shift beneath his knee. This was so fucking sketchy.

…

Okay, Remus loved Christmas lights as much as the next guy, but who the fuck came up with this?! Why is it a tradition to risk your life on your roof, just to make your house a bit more festive?!

Maybe it was some type of honorary tradition for Santa Clause, because he, y’know, goes on roofs.

…

In case it wasn’t clear, Remus had no fucking clue what he was talking about.

The awful scrapping noise from the couch seemed to get louder, until eventually, Remus caught sight of Marlene’s golden hair from the side of his peripheral.

She eventually managed to get the couch onto the driveway, drenching the hideous monstrosity in the winter sunlight. It really was the ugliest fucking couch Remus had ever seen. It was covered in a thow up-esque type of peach color, with multicolored lions printed all over. It might’ve been high quality, but that didn’t make up for the rest of its shortcomings. Remus was terrified to see how the rest of Marlene’s house was decorated, if this piece of shit was anything to go by.

“Genuinely where the hell did you buy that?”

“Why?” Marlene squinted up at him, her hand moving back to cover her eyes, “You want it?”

“Fuck no!”

Marlene looked back down to the couch, seemingly pondering the piece for a moment.

“Would any of your idiots want it?”

“‘My idiots’?” Remus parroted back, an unamused brow raised.

“Don’t play with me, Lupin— you know exactly who I’m talking about. Potter, Black, and the other one? Would they want it?”

Remus stared at the piece for a second, really having to think it over. Would they? Honestly, they probably would. James and Sirius lived for stupid furniture. Their last Goodwill trip resulted in James buying some dumbass, SpongeBob themed dresser, so in all honesty, this didn’t seem too ridiculous.

“They lowkey might.” Remus shrugged, “Wanna send a picture of it to them?”

Marlene instantly nodded, a sly smirk on her face. “Hell yeah! Give me your phone.”

Remus pointed to where he’d left his phone on the driveway earlier, causing Marlene to snort at his lock screen as she picked it up.

“Are you a furry?” She asked suddenly, causing Remus to fumble slightly with the gun. The stapler went straight above the lights, avoiding his target completely.

“What?!” He exclaimed, looking down to the snickering girl, “No!”

“Then why the hell do you have a werewolf breaking out of its shirt on your fucking lock screen?”

Remus groaned and rolled his eyes, focusing back on the task in front of him.

“James. He made it that.”

Marlene snorted once again, but didn’t make any more comments.

“Password?” She asked.

“Sirius’s birthday.” Remus replied instinctually, not even bothering to look up.

“Okay,” Marlene started snickering again, amusement clear in her tone, “First of all, I have no fucking clue when that is. Second— that might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. Why the hell is his birthday your password?!”

Remus groaned again, slamming his staple gun on the roof tile to shoot Marlene an annoyed glare.

“It’s November third. 1103.”

“Okay, that’s one part of the question answered,” Marlene mused as she typed in the code, “Care to share the second part with the class?”

Remus really would love to share that with the class, but honestly, he had no clue. He was pretty sure Sirius had made it that as a joke back when they’d first met, and Remus had just never bothered to change it. By this point, the password was muscle memory. He literally uses it for everything, even including his credit card pin. It was too late to pick a new one.

“Because Sirius made it that.” Remus finally replied deciding that was the best possible answer.

“And you just… never changed it?”

“No.” Remus rolled his eyes, “Now stop with the interrogation and do what I told you to.”

“Jeee-sus!” Marlene drawled sarcastically, “Someone’s in a pissy mood.”

Remus scowled.

“Says you. You better watch what you say— I have a staple gun, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Marlene waved him off dismissively, “Should I just send it to a group chat, or individually?”

“Ehh, the group chat’s fine.”

Marlene squinted her eyes at the screen as she opened up his messages.

“What the fuck is a ‘Marauder’?”

“How the fuck should I know? Look it up.”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “It’s your group chat name. I know damn well you know what it means.”

“I really don’t,” Remus replied honestly, pulling more lights out of his nearly empty box, “James made it that, like, a month ago. I never bothered to ask him what it meant— I was just jumping for joy that the old name was finally gone.”

Marlene raised a brow. “And what name was that?”

Remus had to hold back a grimace. “Green M&M fuckers.”

Marlene let out a startled laugh, looking up at Remus with a smile. “Deadass?”

Remus scowled. “Unfortunately. You wouldn’t believe how confused my mom was when she opened up my phone, just to see the ‘Green M&M Fuckers’ blowing that shit up—“

“Okay,” Marlene interrupted, “I know you’re probably sick of the questions, but why the fuck is your entire phone written in, like, a secret code?”

Remus snorted. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Ohhh, shit— those were the nicknames you told me about that one time!”

“Huh?”

“Remember— we went dress shopping? and you told us all of your friends had nicknames—?”

“Oh, shit— yeah.” She must’ve been talking about his friends’ contacts. “They’re very insistent on keeping their contact names like that. I’ve tried to change it, like, forty times, but they just steal my phone and switch it back.”

“Which one’s which?”

“Hold up— could you throw me up another box?”

Marlene nodded, not looking away from the screen as she chucked another box of lights in Remus’s direction.

“Why does James still have an Elf on The Shelf at his grown age?” Marlene asked out of nowhere.

Remus rolled his eyes. She must’ve found the “daily elf update” pictures.

“You don’t wanna know.”

“Whatever— nicknames, please!”

Remus rolled his eyes once again at her impatience.

“Sirius is Padfoot, James is Prongs, and Peter is Wormtail.”

Marlene threw her hands up suddenly, shocking Remus with the aggression.

“I knew it!” She exclaimed proudly.

Remus furrowed his brows. “Uhh, congrats—?”

“Of fucking course Sirius the one with the heart next to his name!”

“Wait— huh?!” Remus’s head snapped towards Marlene, “Actually?!”

Marlene snorted. “What the fuck do you mean ‘actually’? Yes!”

Remus groaned, throwing his head back.

“Damn it— that asshole got my phone again! Could you take the heart off for me? He literally does this, like, every day.”

“Hell no! The heart’s staying, Loops.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but he didn’t complain further. He’d just change it later.

Remus went back to ignoring Marlene as she moved away from the couch, flipping his phone horizontally, and taking pictures of it from literally every angle.

“Jesus— they don’t need that many, Marls.”

“Yes they do!” Marlene defended herself, her eyes never leaving the screen, “Have you never been on Facebook marketplace? This is how you do it!”

“Why the fuck would I be on Facebook marketplace?”

“To find absolute gems like this!” Marlene gestured towards the hideous couch with one hand, making Remus snort.

“In that case, I’m staying as far way from it as physically possible.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Marlene rolled her eyes, moving Remus’s phone back to her face once she was satisfied with the pictures.

“Are you just gonna send the pictures, or are you gonna say something with it?” Remus asked, curiously.

“Here. I’ll say, and I quote,” Marlene said the words aloud as she typed them, “‘Which one of you cuties wants this lil couchy couch?’”

“Wow.” Remus snorted, “You really captured my voice there.”

“Damn, they’re already responding!” Marlene exclaimed with amusement, her eyes narrowing at the texts, “Those dumbasses need to get off of their fucking phones.”

“What’d they say?” Remus asked, putting down the lights to listen to Marlene.

“Uhh, James said ‘Absolutely’, Sirius said ‘Who are you and what have you done to my Moony?’, and Peter just sent a fire emoji.”

Remus nodded thoughtfully. “Ah. All of that sounds very accurate.”

“I’m telling them I’m your secret girlfriend.”

Remus grimaced. “So, just a warning— if you do that, they will literally pull up and jump you. And me. They have my location.”

“I don’t care,” Marlene replied, a smirk on her face as she rapidly texted, “Sounds worth it to me.”

Remus rolled his eyes, letting out an annoyed huff as he moved around towards Marlene’s front door. He was basically halfway done by that point. Marlene’s house was pretty small, and there was no way in hell Remus was gonna do the back.

Marlene looked up from the phone to watch him out of the corner of her eye, pocketing the phone as he moved, and walking back over the couch to begin dragging it in his direction.

“Is that couch just here for emotional support, or does it actually have a purpose?”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Both. I was gonna use it so I could watch you work— y’know, supervise and shit— but you distracted me.”

Remus narrowed his eyes at Marlene as she plopped down onto the couch, a layer of dust being sent into the air as she did so. Marlene spluttered and waved her hands as Remus snickered.

“Dumbass.” Remus snorted.

“Fuck you.” Marlene snapped with a glare, “Now tell me your password again—“

“S—“

“And if you say ‘Sirius’s birthday’, I’m beating your ass.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “1103.”

Marlene nodded, typing in the code for a second time, and widening her eyes as she stared at the screen.

“Jesus fuck!”

“What,” Remus raised a brow, “What’d they say?”

Marlene snorted. “Bitch, get down here. I’m not reading allat.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but complied— stepping off of the roof, and climbing down the ladder.

He sat down in the dusty couch beside Marlene, holding his hand out expectantly for his phone. As soon as she handed it over, Remus scrolled up through the ridiculous amount of new messages, beginning at the point where Marlene said the ‘secrecy girlfriend’ shit. Marlene leaned over his shoulder to read along with him, despite her previous act of indifference.

‘Remus: remus’s secrect gf (sticking out tongue emoji)’

‘Prongs: HUH’

‘Pads: big fat liar’

‘Wormy: it’s totally lily’

‘Prongs: IT BETTER NOT BE’

‘Pads: i feel so betrayed rn

kms’

‘Wormy: dramatic ahhh’

‘Pads: die’

‘Wormy: no u’

‘Prongs: WHO

ARE

YOU’

‘Pads: GIVE MOONY HIS PHONE BACK’

‘Wormy: i bet they’ve kidnapped him’

‘Prongs: WHOS THEY???’

‘Pads: who the hell is they?’

‘Wormy: why the hell would i know’

‘Prongs: can i still have the couch???

pls moony’s secret gf???

(winking with tongue out emoji)’

‘Wormy: the couch is ugly as shit’

‘Prongs: die’

‘Pads: COME BACK TO US MOONS’

‘Wormy: you have his location you freak

just go hunt him down’

‘Prongs: it’s giving fbi’

‘Wormy: it’s giving stalker’

‘Prongs: it’s giving obsessive gf’

‘Pads: kill yourselves

all of you’

‘Wormy: no u’

‘Pads: (sends screen shot of Remus’s location)

take me’

‘Prongs: so bossy (eye roll emoji)’

‘Wormy: ikr

no thank you or nothing

what a dick’

‘Pads: shut up fatass’

‘Wormy: die’

‘Prongs: dw my little passenger princess

daddy’s got you (kissy emoji)’

‘Wormy: more like pillow princess’

‘Pads: you better pray your windows are locked’

‘Wormy: ain’t no one’s scared of you bucko’

‘Pads: come say that to my face’

‘Wormy: nah’

‘Prongs: ARE YOU COMING OR NOT????’

‘Pads: give me like 2 seconds’

‘Wormy: tf are you getting ready for?’

‘Prongs: no need to look good for little old moony’

‘Pads: shut up

i’m grabbing ransom money’

‘Wormy: righttttt’

‘Pads: Worms has way too much confidence over text’

‘Prongs: ikr

it’s literally my favorite thing ever

i love you wormsicle’

‘Wormy: (throw up emoji)’

‘Pads: (sends a picture of two literally identical hoodies)

which one?’

‘Wormy: they’re both equally stupid looking’

‘Prongs: GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE’

IM GONNA LEAVE W OUT YOU’

‘Pads: you wouldn’t dare

you love me too much (giggle emoji)(sticking out tongue emoji)’

‘Prongs: you’ve got five minutes of love left’

After watching the conversation continue for a few minutes, Remus finally closed the phone, getting bored of their dumbass texts.

Marlene look up at Remus with an unimpressed stare. “That fact that you all have auto capitalization is off is despicable.”

Remus rolled her eyes. “It’s the male manipulator special.”

“Don’t play— you have them off too.”

“Yeah, but I have them off with the intention of sounding like I don’t give a fuck. They do it because they’re hoes.”

“Turning them off to make it sound like you don’t give a fuck is the most give a fuck thing someone could possible do.”

Remus snorted. “Don’t worry, I’m aware.”

Marlene leaned back into the couch, looking up at the half finished roof with a small smile.

“You actually got more done than I thought you would.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Good to know you had complete confidence in me.”

Marlene snorted. “Dude, I didn’t even think you were gonna get on the roof! I had no confidence!”

Remus was about going to respond, but he was getting increasingly pissed off at the absurd amount of notifications blowing up his phone. If Remus’s predictions were correct, he had about five minutes before they’d pull up uninvited.

He had to get out of here.

“Okay,” Remus slapped his hands to his thighs as he sat up straight, making Marlene snort, “Here’s the plan. We turn my phone on airplane mode, put the couch in the middle of the drive way with a sticky note that just says ‘take it’, and go get some Chipotle.”

Marlene smirked up at Remus, immediately getting to her feet with determination. She held a hand out, helping to haul Remus back to his feet.

“I like where your head’s at, Lupin. I’ll go grab the sharpies.”

•••

“I feel like I have to egg someone’s house at least once in my lifetime.”

James snorted as Remus rolled his eyes.

“Egging people?” Peter raised a brow, “In this economy?”

“He’s rich, Pete— Sirius has no clue how much money eggs are.”

“Yes the fuck I do!” Sirius passionately defended himself, placing an offended hand over his chest.

“Oh really? How much?”

“Like twenty bucks!”

…

Remus and Peter both gaped at Sirius in silence.

“I genuinely can’t tell if you’re kidding.”

“This isn’t even about being rich,” Remus rolled his eyes, “It’s about being fucking stupid.”

Sirius scowled in Remus’s direction. “Well, why the hell would I know the price of eggs? How is that any of my business?!”

Remus furrowed his brows. “How are eggs your business?”

“Rich people shit.” Peter snorted.

“Wait, guys,” James interjected, leaving Sirius to huff in annoyance, “Can I guess?”

Peter and Remus both nodded.

“Go for it, man.”

“You’ve got this—!”

“Okay, but can you at least tell me if the answer is higher or lower than Sirius’s?”

Remus raised a brow.

“Are you deadass—?”

“Lower.”

“Pete—!”

James hummed, nodding as he pondered the answer.

And pondered.

And pondered some more.

…

“Are you gonna guess, or just make us wait in silence for twenty minutes?” Remus asked impatiently.

“Give him time!” Sirius replied unprompted, throwing an arm over James’s shoulder, “It’s not every day Prongs has to actually think—“

“Hey—!”

“I’m about to just give you the answer.” Peter huffed, “I’m done with this game.”

“Stop trying to cheat, Pete!”

Sirius snorted.

“Dr. Seuss ass bitch—“

“Literally shut your bitch ass up.”

Very surprisingly, Sirius begrudgingly shut his bitch ass up, allowing Remus to redirect his attention back to James.

…

“Any day now, bud.”

“I can literally see his head steaming from overuse—“

“Stop calling me dumb!” James glared at the entire group, his eyes moving between each of the boys in front of him, “I’m literally the smartest of us all!”

…

Sirius, Remus, and Peter all snorted in unison.

“Sure, dude.” Sirius patted James on the back comfortingly.

“Rightttt—“

“Hey, don’t hate on him!” Peter said, a barely concealed smile on his face, “He’s book smart, not egg smart—“

“Six dollars!” Jame suddenly yelled, bringing attention back to himself.

Remus snorted. “Maybe, like, ten years ago.”

“Try doubling that answer.”

“Okay, I’m done with the egg talk.” Sirius cut Peter off, throwing his hand in the boys face. Peter spluttered, but Sirius ignored him, “Back to what I was saying. I’m egging someone’s house, and none of you can stop me.”

“You’re a grown ass man.” Remus grimaced, “A legal adult. Why the hell are you trying to egg a house?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “God forbid a grown man tries to have fun once in a while.”

“Don’t worry, Pads,” James smirked mischievously, “I’ll come egg someone with you.”

“Awww, Jamie!” Sirius grabbed James by the shoulders once again, aggressively ruffling the boy’s hair, “I knew you would!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I feel like I already know who’s getting egged.”

“Wow— Sherlock Holmes over here cracked the case—“

“You’re such a little dick—“

“Ay!” James exclaimed, snapping both Remus and Sirius’s mouths shut obediently. “What did I say about you two fighting?”

Sirius and Remus both shared a look, resulting in a half assed, synced up shrugged.

“Literally no clue.”

“I always, like, half listen to what you say—“

“Wait, guys,” Peter interrupted, “Do we even know Snape’s address?”

Remus snorted. “Name dropping our future victim in the classroom is crazy—“

“Wormy! You’ll do it too?!” Sirius smiled over at Peter, his excitement almost contagious. He was way too hyped about this shit. Remus was gonna laugh his ass off when that idiot got arrested.

“I mean,” Peter shrugged, “If you’re buying the eggs.”

Sirius and James both whooped loudly, but unsurprisingly, Mr. Binns completely ignored them. They were supposed to be doing some project on inflation, which was unbelievably ironic, considering their precious conversation.

How those idiots were passing this class was an absolute mystery.

“It’s okay,” James nodded, breaking Remus out of his thoughts, “Remus can just find his address!”

Remus gaped, confused at why he was suddenly getting involved.

“How the hell would I find his address?!”

James and Sirius both shrugged.

“Sherlock Holmes that shit—“

“Ask Lily!”

“Ask her yourself,” Remus rolled his eyes, “There’s no way in hell I’m egging Snape.”

“Jesus— could you say that any louder—?”

“Oh, be for real, Sirius— as if you’re any better—“

“But Moonssss,” James whined, “We need you! You’re a very important part of the Snape-egging process!”

Peter slapped a hand to his forehead. “We’re totally getting reported—“

“And what part is that?” Remus questioned, one eyebrow raised.

“The getaway driver!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Call an uber or some shit, because I’m not driving—“

“Hold up, guys,” Sirius held his hands out, demanding the tables attention, “Hear me out.”

“We’re hearing.” James nodded.

“Barely.”

“Just a little bit—“

“We throw bags of piss at him out of James’s car window!”

…

“What the fuck?!”

“That’s actually villainous.”

“What are you— a member of the fucking Sinster Six?!”

Peter snorted. “There’s no way that’s legal. In any way.”

“Guys guys,” James attempted to defend Sirius, but his efforts were futile. “Hear him out—!”

“I’m not hearing!” Remus exclaimed.

“I’ve got my fingers in my ears. And I’m chanting ‘lalalalalala’—“

“Alright, both of you stop being so dramatic,” Sirius rolled his eyes with a huff, “I was just trying to put ideas out there.”

“Keep the fucking ideas in your head!”

“Remind me to never become a mind reader. Your brain terrifies me—“

James suddenly gasped. “I’ve always wanted to be a mind reader! That would be so cool!”

Remus shuddered. “Hell no— that sounds fucking terrible. I’d hate knowing everything people thought of me.”

“What about when someone’s jacking off? Could you, like— see what they’re picturing—?”

“Inside thoughts, Pads. Please.” Remus shook his head in disappointment, causing the rest of the table to snicker.

James began slowly nodding his head, his eyebrows furrowing. “No no, wait— he’s lowkey onto something with that one!”

“No he isn’t!” Remus groaned loudly, rubbing his hands over his face, “Stop defending him!”

“But look at this face,” James cooed, grabbing Sirius’s cheek, and wiggling it around aggressively. Sirius just let it happen, playing into the act with a bat of his dark lashes. “How could you expect me not to defend this cute little face?!”

Remus grimaced. “I hate y’all more and more with each passing day.”

“Okay, but Moons,” Sirius batted James’s hand away to lean over the table, his eyes focused on Remus, “Which would you rather— piss throwing, or egging?”

Remus gaped.

“Is none of the above an option?!”

Sirius shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

“Egging.” Peter and James both suddenly responded in unison.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t asking you, fuckwads. You gotta pick one, Moons.”

Remus shook his head.

“I’m opting out.”

“You can’t just opt out!”

“Literally says who?”

“Says me!”

“When have I ever cared about what you say?”

“Since right now!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “How would you know?”

“Maybe he’s secretly a mind reader.” James mused, causing Peter to snort.

“Nah— if he was a mind reader, he’d be a billion times more insufferable—“

“Why are we just all hating on me today?!” Sirius threw his hands up defensively, his head swiveling around the table of boys, “I’m feeling attacked.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “That’s because we’re actively attacking you, Sherlock—“

“Hey! Fucking joke stealer—!”

“Okay, but actually,” Peter cut Sirius off, leaning over to whisper conspiratorially, “Are we actually egging Snape.”

Remus shook his head as his friends all enthusiastically said yes, effectively distracted from the piss question.

Remus didn’t care— they could plan all they wanted, but there was no way in hell he was letting them egg anyone.

Even if that anyone just so happened to be Snape.