Would You Rather

Remus was shaking his head before Sirius could even open his mouth, staring across the mall with an open grimace.

“There’s no fucking way I’m letting you go anywhere near that man.” He said finally, breaking the stunned silence that the display in front of them had temporarily created.

Sirius pouted as James snickered, leaning over to whisper loudly in Remus’s ear.

“Future pedophile right there.” He quipped, an amused smirk on his face.

“The fuck you mean ‘future’?” Remus scoffed, “I just know that guy’s search history is absolutely horrific.”

“Twenty terabytes, I’d say.”

“Thirty.”

“His FBI agents shivers in fear as he opens up safari—“

“He’s not even fat.” Peter squinted at the man’s red, fluffy hat and fake white beard with suspicion, his mouth curling up in a confused scowl. “Or old.”

“Yeah, you’d know all about being fat—“

“Hey!—“

“All of you shut up,” Sirius interrupted the boys with a roll of his eyes, throwing his hand right into Remus’s nose, and ignoring him as he complained. “I’m getting on his lap, whether y’all like it or not.”

The boys gaped for a moment before erupting into a chorus of giggles, laughing right in Sirius’s annoyed face.

“That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Fucking freak.”

“I desperately need you to reword that—“

Remus, James, and Peter continued their jeering, but Sirius didn’t care to listen— quickly snatching his arm out of James’s sudden, desperate grasp as the boy tried to hold him back.

“It’s just Santa!” Sirius argued, throwing his one free hand up into the air with clear agitation, “What— is he gonna stick his dick up my ass the second I sit down?”

“Yes!” They all replied in unison, causing Sirius to roll his eyes once again.

“You guys are so fucking dramatic—“

“Acting like you’re not the worst of us—!”

“Shut up, Moons!”

Remus rolled his eyes as he looked back to the display, taking in the scene in front of him while James and Sirius continued their bickering. The mall had been absolutely decked out for Christmas, as it always was this time of year. It was somehow even more excessive than the bowling alley, and that was saying something. There were red, velvet pieces of fabric draped over the ceiling beside a few oversized bells, which lightly rang as they swayed side to side from the breeze of the AC. Why they had genuine, ringing, massive bells hanging in the mall, Remus had no clue. Christmas music was blaring over every speaker in every store, along with numerous seasonal items, and Christmas sales advertised on every window— attempting to draw in last minute holiday shoppers.

The big seller, though, was the Winter Wonderland display up ahead. Between the excessive amount of Christmas trees and ridiculously huge presents, Remus wasn’t even sure what to look at. There was a long line of children and parents spanning from the front of the display to nearby store, snaking through the metal barrier chains, which had been adorned by snowflakes and fake popcorn.

Remus had to duck and squint to see, but right in the center of the display, a man dressed like Santa Clause was sat on a velvety throne, smirking disgustingly as he motioned for another kid to come sit on his lap.

Remus loved Christmas, but for some reason, Mall Santas always rubbed him wrong. Something about some grown ass man voluntarily letting a bunch of kids sit on his lap as they whispered their wishlist into his ear was just weird as hell.

Obviously, Sirius did not share this sentiment. Or, maybe he did, and was just more of a fucking freak than they’d realized.

Remus was 100% gonna call him a Mall Santa next time Sirius made a joke about Remus sitting on his lap. It was shocking how often that joke was made, but that was irrelevant.

Every year, without fail, Sirius tried to convince the rest of Remus’s friends to go take pictures with Santa, and every year, he failed miserably. The original inspiration for this idea was struck from a Tik Tok he’d seen of a bunch of goth kids sitting on Santa’s lap, and he hadn’t let the idea go ever since. Remus could vividly remember— mostly because it had just happened once again an hour ago— Sirius shoving his phone into his face, yapping on about how funny the picture would be, and how good it would look on his Insta some shit.

Remus couldn’t help but agree just a tiny bit— it would be a hilarious picture— but he’d never confess that aloud. He hated agreeing with Sirius.

For anyone wondering how Sirius had finally managed to drag them to the mall that year, Remus will very begrudgingly explain. He blames James entirely, by the way.

Anyways, about an hour and thirty minutes ago, Sirius began his annual “Try to get a picture with Santa” spiel— egged on even more than usual after seeing a picture of Dorcas and her new boyfriend getting one themselves on Instagram.

Jealously had always been Sirius’s greatest motivation, and this time was no different.

With increased vigor, Sirius valiantly tried pitching the idea to his friends— presenting a slide show he’d made a week ago on the topic, giving a speech on how he wanted the picture for “childhood memories” he could look back on when he was old, and displaying an impressively drawn photo he’d commissioned a girl in his math class to draw of them all sitting on Santa’s lap.

Remus and James were nearly swayed by that last one alone, but Peter held firm.

Realizing all of his attempts were futile, Sirius decided to use one of the most drastic and evil methods in his arsenal:

What are the Odds.

Now, considering most people have no fucking clue what the hell that means, Remus will once again begrudgingly explain.

What are the Odds is hell— a game created by the devil himself, made just to make Remus’s life slightly more miserable. Its torture. Its evil. It’s manipulative, and unfortunately, it gets Remus every time.

Basically, one person asks a question, along the lines of, “What are the odds you go ask for that girl’s snap,” and the other person will respond with a number. If they say ten, then both players will count down by three, calling out a number one through ten simultaneously. If the two players say the same number, the person will have to do whatever dare they’d been asked.

It was fucking horrible. Remus genuinely shudders in fear just thinking about it.

In the past, he’s done many ridiculous things, spanning from polar plunging, to liking literally every single one of the most gossipy girl in their school’s Instagram posts. It took quite a while to convince her he wasn’t pathetically in love with her, and Remus once again shudders at the memory.

As he said— it was torture. People can call him dramatic or a pussy all they want— Remus doesn’t give a fuck. He hates What are the Odds nearly as much as he hates Would You Rather.

…

Nearly.

Sirius, the evil little dickhead he was, asked the single question none of Remus’s friends could ever deny:

“What are the odds you guys’ll take me to the mall to get a picture with Santa?”

Now, a couple things to point out. First of all, the question was asked to all of them, meaning if they did end up having to do the dare, literally all of them would be forced to go.

Ugh.

Second, Sirius very specifically stated that ONLY HE would be taking the picture. Remus would make sure to remind him of this fact when Sirius inevitably attempts cajole the rest of them into joining as well.

Take that, asshole.

James, Remus, and Peter all looked at each other with wide eyes, realizing they’d been trapped. There was no way they were gonna chicken out of a What are the Odds question— it went against everything they stood for, which was letting Sirius win an argument.

After a few moments of panicked whispering, the three boys nodded apprehensively, looking back up to Sirius, who had been watching them with an absolutely devious grin.

“Ready?” He asked, the look not leaving his face as he spoke. The boys nodded, pushing James forwards towards Sirius. They’d chosen him to be their spokesperson.

Very bad idea, in hindsight, but oh well.

“One-hundred.” James said firmly, looking down his nose at Sirius with mock confidence. Sirius snickered.

“Damn— you guys weren’t taking any chances—“

“Shut up, hoe—“

“Ay—!”

“We gonna go or no?” James asked, his lips pressed into a firm line. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Hold your horses, dawg—“

Remus snorted. “There’s no fucking way you just said that.”

“You sound like a kindergarten teacher—“

“Everyone shut up!” Sirius’s yelled loudly, snapping Remus and Peter’s mouths shut obediently.

Finally, James and Sirius were standing off— Sirius counting down slowly as they glared competitively at each other.

Three… two… one…!

“Twenty-seven!” They both chanted in unison, causing James to loudly curse and stop his foot as Sirius cheered, jumping up and down with excitement.

Remus gaped, standing to his feet to wordlessly wave his hands in the air.

“I— James!” Remus finally stuttered out through his shook. James wouldn’t even meet his eyes, having sat down on the edge of his bed to place his head in his hands. “How?! Literally how?!”

“I don’t knowwww!” James wailed, nearly a dramatic sob, as he pressed his head farther into his hands.

Later, after James’s dramatics had subsided, the three boys lugged Sirius over to the mall in James’s Bronco, all of them— besides Sirius, of course— in absolutely miserable moods.

They’d only realized they’d been standing right in the doorway this entire time after being scolded by an angry, old woman, who wildly waved her cane in James’s face as the poor boy attempted to apologize for the inconvenience.

Sirius began swaggering away towards the line of children while James was distracted, causing Remus to roll his eyes as he watched James frantically chase after him, his shouts echoing throughout the high ceilings of the mall.

Remus placed his hands in his jean pockets as he and Pete slowly trailed after the quickly moving figures of James and Sirius, both of them too lazy, and too unbothered, to give into the chase.

Peter looked up a Remus with a single, sly brow raised, which could only mean he was about to say something Remus would absolutely hate. In turn, Remus rolled his eyes once again, letting out a long, suffering sigh.

“Go on,” He motioned for Pete to continue, making his annoyance clear, “What do you want?”

Peter snorted, but began speaking nonetheless.

“What are the odds you take one of those pictures with Sirius?”

Remus grimaced in disgust, his mouth opening as he scowled.

“On Santa’s lap?!”

“Well, no shit. Obviously.” Peter shrugged his shoulders, his grin growing wider.

“On the same leg?!”

“No, stupid,” He rolled his eyes, looking up ahead towards where Sirius was standing in line behind a bunch of excited, little kids, yelling at James from a few stores down to join him. “Different legs.”

Remus pondered for a moment, deciding how suicidal such a thing would make him. That was usually how he scaled things— one being chill, and ten being six-feet under, with his suicide note hanging on the Potter’s fridge with a Lightning McQueen magnet. No one call a helpline, though— he’s only joking.

Kinda.

Eventually, he nodded to himself, looking back down to address Peter.

“Thirty.”

“‘Thirty’?” Peter repeated back to him, his amusement clear, “That’s actually way lower than I thought It’d be!”

Remus rolled his eyes again, causing Peter to snicker for a moment before collecting himself.

“Okay, fine. Thirty.” His smirk returned, putting an uneasy feeling in Remus’s stomach, “You ready?”

Remus nodded as Peter began the count down, panicking as he quickly began to think of a number.

“Three…”

Shit. He was fucked.

“Two…”

Remus narrowed his eyes at Peter, attempting to read his mind. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.

“One—“

“Five!” Both Remus and Peter chanted out at the same time, causing Remus to immediately cover his face with both of his hands, and Peter to jump into the air with far too much enthusiasm.

“Fuck!” Remus loudly exclaimed, his voice semi-muffled by his palms. He could hear Peter laughing at him, which only
made Remus groan louder.

“Jesus, you’re predictable!” Peter breathlessly exclaimed between laughs, wiping literal tears from his eyes.

“Huh?!” Remus gaped in confusion, “How?!”

“You picked Sirius’s fucking jersey number!”

Remus immediately scoffed and looked away, crossing his arms over his chest in a show of defiance which only seemed to amuse Peter even farther.

“Coincidence, asshole. You ever heard of it?—“

“Keep telling yourself that, man.”

“What the fuck does that mean—?!”

“Whatever, sore loser. C’mon,” Peter grabbed Remus’s arm, pulling it from his face, and guiding his body towards where Sirius and James were quickly approaching the front of the line. “You lost fair and square.”

“Well, no shit, but—“

“No buts, no cuts, no coconuts!”

…

Remus gaped at the smaller boy in absolute dismay. “What the fuck did you just say?!”

But Peter simply ignored him, smirking to himself as they neared where Sirius and James were standing in line, arguing about something Remus absolutely didn’t want to be dragged into.

For some weird ass reason, December was always the time in which Sirius and James fought the most. Like, constantly. They literally rivaled Sirius and Remus some days— it was insane. Remus had no clue why Christmas seemed to bring out the worst in those two’s friend ship, but he never pried. Remus couldn’t help but remember that Sirius had ran away from home just a few days before Christmas a couple years back. It was none of Remus’s business, so he consciously chose not to bring attention to it.

If Sirius wanted to talk about it, he would, but again, it was none of Remus’s business.

As soon as Sirius noticed Peter and Remus standing off to the side, he physically brightened, dramatically jumping over the rails as he sprinted towards Remus. Remus flinched and ducked as the idiotic boy charged towards him, grabbing onto Remus’s shoulders as he attempted to hop over his entire body.

This was Sirius’s new, weird, little hobby. He really wanted to be able to jump over Remus. Well, he wanted to jump over anyone, really— which was weird as hell, in its own right— but he wanted to jump over Remus the most. This had all unfortunately started when Frank Longbottom had greeted Remus in the halls by literally hopping right over his fucking head. Remus doesn’t even know how to explain it— it all happened so fast. One moment, he was laughing at something James had said, and the next, he felt someone’s hands on his shoulders— looking up to literally see Frank’s fucking dick above his head. Traumatizing, to say the least. Remus 100% had a fucking heart attack, but that was irrelevant.

This had been something all of the boys on his team had been doing recently, but he’d never imagined it’d catch on to his friends. Unfortunately, he’d been too hopeful. He needs to start expecting disappointment more often.

Sirius, very unsurprisingly, was unable to make it over Remus’s head, resulting in the stupidass boy knocking him backwards straight into Peter. The three boys fell onto the floor like human fucking dominos, Sirius’s booming laughter literally vibrating Remus’s chest as he lied on top of him. Remus was frozen in place for a moment, unsure of what to do as he listened to James’s own laughter harmonize with Sirius’s from across the room.

Finally, his trance was broken by Peter somehow managing to push the two boys off of himself with a grunt, erupting into a fit of coughing as soon as he was liberated.

Dramatic ass hoe.

Sirius squirmed around on the floor as he laughed, looking like weird as hell, by the way. He was like a worm. A dumbass worm, might he add.

“What the fuck was that?!” James yelled at them from the middle of the line, causing many parents and children to gasp in shock; a few mother covering their kids’ ears as they glared in James’s direction.

“Don’t— don’t you dare move!” Sirius wheezed out, his words stuttering as he clutched his stomach, “Stay right there!”

James threw his arms up in annoyance, but he stayed put, visibly pouting as he watched his friends remain lying on the floor.

“Sirius, what the hell was that?” Remus finally managed to speak, not quite aware he’d gone temporarily non verbal. Sirius just shrugged with a smirk, sitting up with his legs stretched out in front of him.

“Soooo, are we taking a picture or not?”

Remus really had tried to refuse. He really had— he swears, but unfortunately, Peter’s past dare had him locked down. He was trapped. He had no choice.

Despite all odds, Remus had sat on fucking Santa’s lap. It was awful, by the way. In case anyone was wondering, Santa Clause apparently smells like old cigarettes and cheap cologne. Lovely, right?

Remus sighed as he propped the little cardboard frame up against an old candle resting on his nightstand, adjusting the photo so he could see it more clearly against the glare of his fan.

The picture displayed Remus and Sirius each on one of the sketchy ass Santa’s legs, both with matching grins adorning their faces. Remus couldn’t help but smile at the picture, the aching of his back from being previously tackled subsiding slightly as he stared.

Sirius and Peter were little manipulators, and unfortunately, Remus was far too easy to manipulate.

…

Jesus, Remus was an idiot.

…

Oh, and in case it wasn’t clear— Remus fucking hates What are the Odds.

Absolutely. Fucking. Hates it.

•••

“I really don’t see why we both have to be here.” Lily huffed, crossing her arms defiantly over her chest. Remus rolled his eyes and ignored her completely.

“You’re breaking my heart, babes—“

“Don’t you DARE,” Lily stabbed her finger into James’s chest, her face literally steaming with anger, “‘Babes’ me, James Fleamont Potter. I am NOT your babe.”

“Wait, you know my middle name—?!”

“JAMES!”

Remus couldn’t help but snort as James apologized, raising his hands in surrender as he stared wide eyed at Lily. In all honesty, he was probably staring a bit too hard at Lily— that was probably why she ended up shoving him away, leaving the idiot with a dumb grin still plastered on his fucking face. He was such a lovesick dumbass— it was actually pathetic.

Lily gasped as Remus swerved around a merging car, cursing under his breath as Lily scolded him. He knew he needed to keep his eyes on the road, but it was difficult when a whole ass cat fight was going on in his backseat. Remus’s rear view mirror had never been more compelling. He literally adjusted it to see his friends better, rather than the road.

Dumb as hell? Yes. Did he care. Nope.

James snorted as he saw a Kia soul out of his window, eagerly tapping on the glass with a snicker. Remus had no clue why James and Sirius hated Kia Souls, but they did. Passionately. In fact, their hatred was so deep rooted, they managed to internalize that shit into Remus, causing him to snicker like an idiot every time he saw one on the road— much like James was doing right now.

“Ten points if you hit the Kia—!”

“James!” Lily gasped, shoving him once again, causing the poor boy’s head to bang against the window pane. Remus winced. That definitely hurt.

“Make it twenty, and I’ll merge over there right now—“

“Remus!” Lily squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head frantically, as if trying to will herself out of the situation. Obviously, it didn’t work. “Both of you stop! I’m never get into a car with you again!”

“We’re only joking, Lily.” Remus snorted, being careful not to say “lils” around James. Remus had gotten so used to calling her that, it almost came out as instinct, but he could just tell it would piss James off. A pissed off James Potter was nothing to marvel at, and he already had enough anger filling up this car, thanks to Lily.

Now, no need to call Remus a genius, but like— he definitely was one. Honestly, who else could manage to get those two in a car without setting off a world wide apocalypse? Remus couldn’t help but feel proud. This might just be his greatest accomplishment.

How’d he do it? Well, it was easy, really. Literally all it took was a bit of a sob sorry, a few white lies, and a ridiculous attempt at mocking Sirius’s “puppy dog eyes.” He did an absolutely god awful job at it, but everything worked out in the end, so who the hell cared.

Lily was rolling her eyes at something stupid James had said as Remus pulled into PetSmart, making sure to break as jerkily as possible, just to freak Lily out. Remus found it hilarious— he loved terrorizing people in cars. After receiving one too many rides from Remus, and having driven with James since he was just a mere permitted driver, Sirius had pretty much become immune to shitty driving. In fact, he always side eyed Remus suspiciously when he made his turns too smooth, sitting up straighter and holding his seatbelt a bit tighter in fear. It was ridiculous.

Lily, however, was still unacclimated. Remus was taking advantage of this for as long as he physically could. Once again, it was hilarious.

As soon as Remus was parked, Lily leaped out of the car and crouched down to the dirty asphalt, dramatically praising the safety of the outdoors as she raised her hands to the heavens and pretended to pray. Remus and James both snorted at the theatrics.

“Calm down,” Remus rolled his eyes, “It wasn’t that bad—“

“I’ve actually never met anyone so terrible at driving. Even Marlene’s better than you— and that’s saying something.”

Remus rolled his eyes once again. “Marlene’s a great driver, and so am I. You should see James, though—“ Remus pointed to his idiotic friend, preparing to shamelessly hype him up, “He’s incredible. The safest driver you’ll ever meet. I feel like a baby bird, being held in the gentle hands of its mother.”

Lily gave Remus such of look of dismay and confusion, Remus couldn’t help but snicker.

In case it wasn’t apparently obvious, the whole “baby bird” thing hadn’t been made up on spot. Sirius had fed Remus lines in English earlier to make James seem more “appealing” to Lily. Remus was actively choosing to use all of the worst ones, just because it made him laugh. There weren’t really any good lines, though, so it’s not like Remus was sabotaging James or anything. Really, it was Sirius who was sabotaging the poor kid— there was no way in hell he thought Lily would like the line, “Are you a deer? Because I’m a stag, and that basically means we’re married.” Like, that genuinely might be the worst thing Remus has ever heard. Ever.

James wrapped a arm around Remus’s shoulder, a grin on his face. “Awww, Lupin! How kind of you to say—!”

“Remus, I swear to god,” Lily huffed, “If you wingman James this entire time, I’m literally running away.”

Remus snickered. “With what car?”

“My legs.”

James raised a brow. “Your legs aren’t a car—?”

Remus punched James before he could finish his sentence, refusing to allow his friend to sound like such a dumbass in front of his future wife. James really was smart when he wanted to be— he just occasionally seemed to loose all braincells and turn into a pile of idiotic sludge. That, unfortunately, seemed to happen the most whenever he was within a one hundred foot radius of Lily. Very unfortunate indeed.

As soon as the three of them walked through the glass doors of the building, James and Remus immediately grimaced at the smell, scrunching up their noses as the scent of wet dog and pet food assaulted their senses. Lily rolled her eyes at their dramatics, pushing Remus’s back to get him to continue.

Remus has never really liked animals. He tolerated dogs at best, and cats just seemed to hate him, so he decided to hate them back. Remus does like his fish, Carla, he guesses. Well, it’s kinda hard to hate fishes. They don’t even do anything. They just swim there and look stupid— puckering their dumb, little lips as they glide around. They literally just eat and swim. Lowkey, they’re living the life. Sometimes, when Remus feeds Carla, he wishes he was a fish. It just looks so easy, and imagine only having a ten second memory? Sounds like pure heaven.

Anyways, he’s getting sidetracked. Shockingly, Remus didn’t just bring James and Lily along just to buy more food for Carla. Although that totally sounded like something he’d do, that day, he actually had a mission.

He needed to buy Sirius a Christmas present.

Okay, actually, he needed to buy literally everyone a Christmas present, but that’ll come later. Sirius’s was just the easiest to come up with, and most likely going to be the most expensive, so he wanted to get it over with as quick as possible.

If it just so happened to bring Lily and James closer at the same time, who was Remus to complain? That was just an added perk.

Okay, so here was his plan. Remus had promised Sirius a goldfish, so obviously, he was going to get him a goldfish. That part was easy, but for some reason, Remus couldn’t help but feel that a goldfish wasn’t enough. He needed more, and obviously, Remus decided that an entire fucking dog was the perfect amount of “more” for the situation.

He probably could’ve been talked out of it, but unfortunately, literally all of his friends were dog people. As soon as the idea was pitched, they were in— no questions asked.

Lily gasped and ran towards a caged in area with a bunch of puppy’s, squatting down to get a better look.

“Oh my goddd— he’s so fluffyyy!” Lily cooed at the dog, bringing an absolutely pathetic smile to James face. God, they needed to get their shit together— Remus could barely handle seeing the poor kid like this. Lily had been staring at a little Pomeranian, which was cute, yeah, but definitely not Sirius’s style.

Well, could people even have a style of dog? Isn’t that a thing? Do people actually get dogs that look like them?

“Lily, do people actually look like their dogs?” Remus asked impulsively, voicing his thought out loud. Lily thought for a moment before shrugging her shoulders, giving Remus a blank look.

“I guess it happens sometimes. I don’t think mine looks anything like me, but Mary and Marlene disagree.”

“Wait, you have a dog?!” James gasped, crouching down beside Lily to get at eye level with her. Lily rolled her eyes at the gesture, but nodded nonetheless.

“Yep— sure do.”

“What his name?!” James asked eagerly, fully engaged in what Lily had to say. Lily seemed almost a bit taken back by the attention, but managed to keep her tone even, despite her clear shock.

“HER name is Princess.” She eventually answered, “She’s a wiener dog.”

“Holy fucking shit, I love wiener dogs!” James exclaimed genuinely, a wide grin speaking across his face. Remus had to resist the urge to laugh. James really did love wiener dogs— like, he actually went insane every time he saw one on the street. James forces Remus to take a picture of him with the dogs every time, but he never asks Remus to send them, leaving him with a ridiculous amount of wiener dog pictures on his phone. He has a whole album on his phone, just titled “James and his dick dogs.”

He can’t lie— it makes him laugh every time.

“I’ve always wanted one! My mom said I could get one, but Sirius says wiener dogs are stupid and big dogs are cooler, so he won’t let me have one!” James excitedly rambled on, his face extremely expressive, as it always was when he got hyped up.

Lily snorted at that. “You won’t get the dog you want because Sirius doesn’t like them?”

“Well, yeah. Of course.” James shrugged simply, “But it’s fine. Thanks to the lovely Lupin over here, I’ll have a dog soon enough!” James looked over to address a Remus, looking up at him from where he crouched, “How mad do you think Sirius would be if we bought him a wiener dog? One through ten?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Nice try, bud. I’m getting him whichever dog looks the most similar to him. That little bitch is in love with himself— it’d only make sense to get a dog that reflects that.”

James and Lily both hummed in unison at Remus’s words, making Lily blush and cover her cheeks in embarrassment. Luckily for her, James didn’t notice.

“Sooo,” James tapped his chin, “Big, loud, energetic, and black-haired?”

Remus snorted. “Sounds about right. And we need a goldfish, too, but I’m just gonna wing that one. He gets what he gets, and his bitch ass better not throw a fit.”

James and Lily both snickered at the quip as James stood up with a grunt, reaching out a hand to help up Lily as well. What a gentleman. Very shockingly, Lily actually took it, though it looked like it physically pained her to do so. Who cared— slight progress was still progress!

…

Remus was pretty sure he’d read that off of a sign in Mrs. McGonagall’s room. God, he felt sick. Who even was he anymore?

“How about that one?” Lily pointed to a baby Husky in a caged area nearby, rolling around on its back, and charming the surrounding audience with its silvery eyes, nearly identical to Sirius’s. “I feel like Sirius gives off Husky vibes.”

Remus and James both let out a “No.” So firm and direct, Lily started a bit, narrowing her eyes at the defensive boys.

“Uh, why—?”

“He doesn’t deserve it.” Remus shook his head.

James leaned closer to Remus with a snicker.

“I’m totally telling him Lily said that. He’ll actually scream—“

“You do you, but there’s no way in hell I’m dealing with his boosted ego for the rest of the day.” Remus clapped James on the back, so instinctually, he almost gasped at himself. Jesus— claps on the back? Remus is hitting new lows. “You’re on your own, soldier.”

James winced. “You’re actually so right. Eugh. Never mind.”

“I can picture it so clearly. If Sirius had a husky, he’d take it on walks, and ask every person who passed by whether or not they look similar.”

James perked up. “Like a street interviewer!”

“Hell yeah.”

“I love those guys.” James looked up thoughtfully, smiling to himself, “I always make sure to have the best songs playing, just in case one of them approaches me.”

“Which songs?” Lily asked.

“The Smiths!”

Lily let out a laugh. “Yeah, but which one, though? Like, if you had to pick just one?”

“‘Please, Please, Please’—“

Remus snorted. “Alright, wrap it up, man whore—“

James gasped. “Uh, no! Sirius is the man whore!”

“Fine,” Remus conceded with a roll of his eyes, “Sirius is the whore, and you’re the male manipulator. Only manipulators wear wired headsets and listen to the Smiths while going on walks.”

Lily snorted. “He definitely reads feminist literature while sitting in a coffee shop.”

“And the book is always upside down, too—“

“Lupin! You’re supposed to be on my side!” James hit Remus in the arm, causing him to
gape as he raised his hands defensively.

“So— does this mean huskies are out?” Lily asked again, once more being met with disapproval.

“Absolutely.” Remus shook his head.

“Also, husky’s are huge.” James added, “Don’t forget, I’d have to deal with this thing too. That’s why we should get a wiener dog—“

“No. Still no.”

Lily raised a brow, but said nothing.

“Ooh ooh ohh— y’know how the announcements at school do those dumbass ‘Showcase of the Week’?”

Remus and Lily both nodded in confused approval, causing James to clear his throat as he grabbed an imaginary microphone, raising his voice many octaves. “‘Helloooo Hogwarts! This is Sirius Black, coming on here to tell you that I apparently give off husky vibes! Trust, I’m not even lying— Moony said so, and Moony’s always right!’”

Even Lily snorted at that. “Pretty accurate.“

“I think the ‘trust’ really pulled it all together.”

“I feel like he’d write a whole book about his dog. He seems like the type of guy.” Remus mused.

“Male manipulator 101–“

James snorted. “He’d try, but give up in four minutes.

Lily snickered. “Whys that so specific?”

Remus and James both snorted in unison.

“We actually timed it one day.”

“Mhm,” James chimed in as well, “Conducted a whole ass experiment! For ten days, we watched how long he’d do his work before giving up and trying to convince Remus to do something else. It averaged out to about four minutes.”

Lily raised a brow. “Why’s he always trying to distract Remus?”

James snorted. “He’s the easiest—“

“Ay—!”

“It’s okay, Moons— we still love you.”

Remus scoffed. “Yeah yeah, fuck you, asshole. I lost ten fucking bucks from that experiment. I should’ve known fifteen minutes was too generous of a guess.”

“Always bet low with Sirius.“

“I should’ve fucking known—“

“It’s actually ridiculous how often you guys manage to talk about Sirius, even when he’s not around.” Lily quipped with a smirk, looking between Remus and James.

Remus rolled his eyes. “We’re literally here to buy him a present. What the hell else would we talk about?”

“What can we say?” James grinned, grabbing onto Remus’s shoulders, and shaking him violently, “We love our little Paddy.”

“Speak for yourself. I hate that bitch—“

“You’re so full of shit—“

“Says the guy who’s here to buy him two fucking animals—“

“Hey!” Remus narrowed his eyes in defense, “I give all of my enemies animals. That’s why I gave Snape those worms that one day—“

“Remus, I swear to god,” Lily took a deep breath, making James and Remus snicker, “You better be joking.”

“I am, I am.” Remus snickered, “Maybe just don’t ask him about it—“

“I can already see the biopic being made,” James swiped his hands out in front of him in a TV shaped motion, returning to their previous conversation about Sirius without missing a beat, “Me and my dog that looks just like me.’ How much you wanna bet he’d cast himself as Zac Efron.”

Remus snorted. “I don’t give a fuck, as long as he makes me Keanu Reeves.”

“Oooh!” Lily cooed, “I loveeee Keanu Reeves!”

James looked Remus up and down critically, before shaking his head. “Sure, man. Good luck with that.”

“Well, not old man Keanu Reeves,” Remus rolled his eyes, “I mean, like, when he was in his prime.”

“Rightttt…”

“Hey— fuck you, asshole!”

“No thank you!”

“Dick—!”

“You guy are so unbelievably stupid.” Lily rolled her eyes with a huff, finally interrupting their little “Bash on Sirius” session. “My votes still on huskies— I don’t care what you say. Sirius is a husky person, through and through.”

Remus groaned as James let out a light laugh.

“Were all of our speeches not convincing enough for you, Evans?”

Lily hummed. “The biopic was good, but not good enough.”

“What if I just say I hate huskies?—“

“Moony!”

“— Would that get you give up on them?”

Lily shook her head firmly. “Nope. I need more convincing.”

Remus and Hames shared a look, trying to come up with more reasons on spot.

“Uhhh…” Remus droned.

“Well…”

“Uh— too powerful.”

“Ooh— good one, Moons—!”

“Toooo… royal?”

“Oh, how about this.” James cleared his throat, “Too smart. They’re way too smart for him.”

Lily let out a startled laugh, quickly slapping a hand over her mouth to conceal it. James looked like he’d entered complete euphoria at making Lily laugh for the third time that day. He was breaking records, that was for sure.

“You’re right, James.” Remus nodded with a smirk, “We’ve gotta dumb the dog down for him.”

Lily raised a brow once she collected herself. “‘Dumb it down’?”

“I say we get him a black Chihuahua.” Remus stated confidently, “They’re annoying, mean, and stupid looking. Perfect fit.”

Lily and James both snickered.

“I still say wiener dog—“

Remus let out a loud groan. “We’re not getting a fucking wiener dog, James. No one likes wiener dogs—“

Lily gasped, offended. “Remus! How dare you?!”

“Yeah,” James added on, looking equally offended, “Imagine how Princess feels! She can probably sense your hatred from here.”

Lily’s head snapped to James at mention of her dog, her eyes narrowed and scrutinizing.

“How do you know my dog’s name?”

James stuttered, looking to Remus for help.

“I— huh? Wait, she told us its name, right? I swear I’m not a stalker— you just said—“

“You literally told us your dog’s name, like, two minutes ago, Lily.” Remus stated simply, rolling his eyes as he did so. Lily had no choice but to huff, looking away from the boys defiantly.

“Whatever. How about a Great Dane?”

Remus and James both shook their heads.

“It can’t have ‘great’ in the name. Try again.”

Lily groaned. “Well, I don’t see you giving any suggestions.”

“I literally did!” Remus exclaimed, “Chihuahua! its perfect—!”

“Wienerrr dogggg—“

“German Shepherd?”

“Too big. Too cool.”

“Wiiienerrrr doooogggg—“

“Remus, I’m gonna strangle you.”

Remus snorted. “You couldn’t reach my neck if you tried.”

“Watch me, hoe—“

“WIENERR DOGGG—“

“JAMES SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO FUCKING WIENER DOGS!”

James let out a dramatic cry, burying his face in his hands as he did so. Many employees were giving them questioning looks, but none cared enough to actually do anything.

Remus and Lily literally had to drag James through the store by either arm like angry parents, both of them huffing as James tried digging his heels into the ground. Remus realized quickly that there was a big difference between a toddlers strength, and that of a 6’3 man.

“Okay,” Remus said as he clutched onto James’s tan arm, dragging the idiot around with a roll of his eyes, “Why don’t we put the dog on hold, and go get a fish. There’s no way we’ll disagree over a fish, right?”

Wrong. Very wrong. He didn’t even knew why he’d said that— he knew he’d be wrong. Remus was resisting the urge to run to the car and leave his friends stranded as they argued over which color of goldfish to buy. GOLDFISH. ITS FUCKING GOLD. THEY’RE ALL GOLD.

Remus let out a loud groan, making Lily roll her eyes in his direction.

“If you’re not gonna help, don’t complain.” Lily said simply, making James snicker, and Remus gape.

“Me?! Complain?! Y’all are fighting over which shade of gold will look the best in that idiot’s room! I’ve been sitting here patiently! I could’ve bought all of the goldfish in the fucking store and let them out into the fucking pacific ocean in the time you’ve spent arguing over this shit!”

James and Lily both giggled as Remus ranted, which only seemed to rile him on further.

“It’s gold! Do I need to say it eight more goddamn times?! GOLD! WERE BUYING GOLDFISHHH! Holy shit!” Remus ran a desperate hand through his hair as James laughed harder to the point of wheezing, having to lean against the fish tank to
keep himself upright. Lily shoved him as he hit the glass, scolding James for scaring the fish.

“Can you read?” Lily grumbled, “What part of, ‘Don’t touch the tank’ are you not understanding?”

If you couldn’t tell, this was an argument they’d already had many times. James kept tapping on the glass, and Lily kept getting mad about it. They could be extremely repetitive— Remus felt like he was stuck in a time loop.

“Uh, no, actually,” James snorted, very suddenly reaching up to take off his glasses. Lily’s mouth snapped shut as he did so, flinching away as she stared into his unmagnified eyes. She literally couldn’t get more obvious if she tried. Lily was lucky as hell the idiot was too blind to see the tomato red shade of her face. “Do you see how thick these things are? I can’t see shit!”

…

Remus couldn’t lie, the glasses were really were holding James back. Without them, he looked so much less… like a creep? His eyes were no longer magnified to a ridiculous size, which made the idiot look far less bug-like than usual.

…

Okay, Remus’ll just say it. James is so much hotter without the glasses. It was unfortunate, but true. Sirius had voiced this fact many times (the aggressive bitch he was), but sadly, James’s eyesight was genuinely too shitty for contacts.

Poor guy.

Lily was just gaping openly at James, her eyes literally glazing over as he yapped on about something no one was listening to. James was absentmindedly cleaning his glasses with his shirt as Lily tried stuttering out an answer, not managing to get any farther than, “I—I—“

“Lily, is this the first time you’ve ever seen James without his glasses?” Remus asked with a smirk, being met with an absolutely scorching glare from the redhead.

“Yeah, it probably is,” James answered for her, squinting in Lily’s general direction as he spoke, “Jesus, I can’t fucking see. What do you guys see? Like, do yall just constantly see clear? That’s actually so unfair. Did you know I have no peripheral vision?”

“O— wait, actually?” Lily finally managed to say— her curiosity apparently rivaling her very obvious attraction.

“Yep. It’s so annoying. I have to, like, fully turn my head to see shit next to me,” James aggressively put his glasses back on his face, returning to his usual buggy self. “Anyways, rose gold fish.”

“Huh?” Lily said dumbly, apparently still taken aback by the whole situation.

“Sirius won’t want pure gold. He’s a silver guy. We should get that one,” James pointed at a fish in the tank once again, though this time, he was considerate enough not to touch the glass. Lily noticed, if the startled narrowing of her eyes was anything to go by. “Isn’t it so cute?” He cooed, smiling at the stupid little fish behind his finger.

Lily’s eyes flickered between James and the fish, unable to choose a single thing to focus on.

“Yeah…” She finally said, her voice trailing off, and her eyes never leaving James. Remus was literally about to take a picture of this shit. Sirius would be fucking jumping. Peter too.

Hell, Remus was about to start jumping himself. There was no way in hell she was gonna be able to deny this shit any more.

“Okay, great!” Remus loudly interjected, shoving James out of the way, and making the boy protest in confusion. “We’ve got a fish! One thing down, one more to go. James, Lily, you go look at the dogs. I’ll buy the fish.”

“So we’re actually getting the rose gold one?!” James asked excitedly, grinning at Remus gratefully.

“Hell yeah, dude. Now go find a dog.” Remus started pushing James away when he didn’t move, snickering at the idiot. “Go. Get away. Shoo.”

James and Lily eventually made their way out of the maze of fish tanks, James immediately setting off into a loud conversation as they walked, and Lily looking up at him in rapt attention. Remus couldn’t help but smile at their retreating forms.

Wow— Remus was an incredible wingman.

Remus decided to leave the two idiots on their own for a bit, taking his time as he bought all of the supplies. Jesus, he was going to go broke. Between the fish tank, the rocks, the food, the little decorations for the tank, and the bitch ass fish itself, Remus’s wallet looked absolutely depressing. Don’t worry, he still had money for the dog, but he may or may not have to pick up a few extra shifts to afford gifts for everyone else.

Ugh.

Remus placed most of the fish related items in the car (besides the fish itself. He held onto that) before returning to Lily and James, finding them, very unsurprisingly, petting a random shopper’s wiener dog. God, they were dumb.

The dog was cute, though— the little guy had a bow tie. It was actually adorable.

“Moony!” James exclaimed as soon as he saw him, waving Remus down to the dog, “Look! Isn’t she so cute!”

Remus was about to agree before taking in his surrounding, his eyes widening as he noticed the absolutely massive man hovering above the tiny little wiener dog.

Holy shit!

It wasn’t often Remus found himself looking up at someone, but the man standing in front of him literally had Remus bending his neck to get a better look. The man had a massive beard which concealed most of his face, along with probably the thickest coat Remus had ever seen. He looked like he was prepared for the fucking Antarctic, rather than Hogsmeade’s mild winters.

“Hey, son! Yeh wan’ a pet ‘er as well?”

Remus startled again at the accent, leaving him a bit speechless for a second. He knew he was staring like an unmannered asshole but he couldn’t help himself. Luckily, the man seemed more amused than annoyed.

“Yeah,” Remus eventually managed to say, “What’s his name?”

“This hear’s cupcake,” The man nodded down to the wiener dog before pointing his thumb behind his back, causing Remus to crane his neck slightly around to see what he was referencing. Remus almost jumped as he caught sight of the fucking terrifying dog lurking nearby. The thing must’ve been, like, six feet tall! It was genuinely the biggest goddamn dog Remus had ever seen. It even had a fucking spike collar! Jesus! “But I’ve also got Fang back there as well— right cutie pie, tha’ one.”

Remus couldn’t help but nod dumbly, hoping his mouth wasn’t gaping as much as he felt it was. The man just laughed a hearty laugh, drawing James’s attention.

“Oh, yeah! That’s Hagrid! Hagrid, this is Remus!” James attention turned back to the little dog as he continued speaking, “Me and Evans saw Cupcake and literally sprinted over here. C’mon, come say hi! She’s sooo cute—“

Remus tuned James out as he carefully squatted down, his knees popping loudly enough to receive a snort from Lily.

Remus carefully let Cupcake with his free hand, allowing time for James and Lily to notice the fish.

“Rose Gold!” James exclaimed, holding his hand out for the fish bag. Remus eyed James a bit scrutinizingly before handing the fish over allowing the idiot to gush over the little fish as Lily peered over his shoulder.

Lily raised an unimpressed brow at James before her focus returned back to the fish. “Is that really what you’re calling it?”

James just shrugged, which caused the water in the bag to ripple slightly. Lily cursed James quietly, but was reasonable enough not to hit him as he held the poor, innocent fish. “Yep. Doesn’t he look like a Rose Gold to you?”

Remus couldn’t help but snicker. Why was James such a fucking idiot?

“You can call him Rose Gold all you want, but Sirius is allowed to change the name once I give him away.”

James nodded agreeably, bringing the bag closer to his face as he watched the fish swim around its small, plastic home.

Very suddenly, the huddled group of teenagers was interrupted by something slamming into their backs— Remus unable to contain his yelp as he felt something pull at his hoodie sleeve. All three of them jumped up, Lily grabbing Cupcake as she raised, and James holding Rose Gold closer to his chest protectively. Once they were all standing, they stared down at their attacker with heavy, panicked breaths, all of their eyebrows raising as they watched a small, black dog begin scratching at Remus’s jeans. What the hell?

James was the first to begin laughing, followed soon by Hagrid, who’d watched the whole scene play out. Remus was still too shocked to speak— Lily apparently sharing the sentiment.

“I think the little guy likes yeh, Remus!” Hagrid exclaimed between booming laughs, which only got louder as the little puppy started humping Remus’s fucking leg.

Remus tried frantically shaking the dog off, which only made Lily angry, causing the girl to yell at Remus as the annoying puppy clung to his pants.

“Remus, stop! You’re hurting him!”

“He’s hurting me!” Remus tried loudly defending himself, “His nails are fucking mauling me!”

“Oh, calm down! Don’t be dramatic!”

“I’m not—!” Remus started, but was soon cut off by a shouting employee, running straight in Remus direction before stopping right in front of him, placing their hands to their knees as they panted.

“I— I am— so, so sorry. O—Oh my god— give me a sec.”

Remus waited a very impatient second, really having to force himself not to try shaking the dog off once again.

“I am so sorry,” The employee repeated as the stood back up, sweat beading on their brow, “This little guys a runner, that’s for sure. I opened the cage for a sec, and he just zipped out! Forgive me, I really tried to catch him, but he was just too fast—“

“Could you tell me, what breed is that dog?” Lily interrupted suddenly, unfortunately initiating the employee’s inner salesperson.

“Oh, of course, ma’am! That there is a Scottish Deerhound! This specific breed is known for its incredible size, all though we don’t expect this one to get nearly as big. We’re estimating around him to be around eighty-five pounds, give or take.”

“Jesus!” James exclaimed, “And that’s the small one? How big are the normal ones?!”

“Around One-ten.”

“Wow!”

“If your considering adopting this little guy-“

Remus had to contain an eye roll. There was no way this dude was calling eighty-five pounds “little.”

“—I’d recommend having a large house with a big backyard. He’ll need plenty of space to roam and run around— this breed hates being confined in tight spaces for too long. I’m sure the poor guy is feeling awfully sick of his cage. We’re trying to get him adopted as fast as possible, but he’s not exactly a desirable breed.”

This feels like a guilt trip. Was this asshole trying to guilt trip them into buying an absolute monster of a dog?

“Remus, please— he’s perfect!” James exclaimed, looking up at Remus with his own rendition of Sirius’s puppy dog eyes. James’s were the most terrifying as well— they were just so big, it was a bit startling. Remus literally grimaced at the sight, which made Lily let out an amused snort. “This is literally Sirius! He’s black-haired, annoying, loud, and huge!”

“James!” Lily slapped James arm, “Don’t
call someone else’s dog annoying! That’s rude!”

“But he’s not someone’s else’s dog, Evans,” James looked back over to Remus, a devious smirk on his face. “He’s ours! Pleaseeeeee Moons?! Please?!”

Remus stared at his friend for a long time, trying to compile a list of reasons why this would be a terrible idea, but in all honesty, he was coming up short. Hey, if James wanted a big ass dog in his house, that would he his problem— not Remus’s.

“Fine.” Remus eventually sighed, looking over to the expectant face of the employee.

“We’ll take him.”

•••

Lily, James, and Remus all piled into Remus’s room— Rose Gold swimming in the tank with Carla, while the big ass, tiny dog ran laps around the small space.

“Your room is like a Sirius shrine.” Lily snorted, picking up the Santa picture. James laughed as Remus rolled his eyes, snatching the small frame from her hands, and carefully placing it back where it belonged.

“No the fuck it isn’t,” Remus snapped defensively, “And anyways, he puts most of this stuff in here— not me.”

“Righttt,” Lily drawled, unconvinced, “So, I’m guessing the bat bedsheets were his doing, as well?”

“Well, actually,” James snorted, “That one actually was Sirius. We bought those for Remus’s room— had to get him into the Halloween spirit!”

“James,” Lily rolled her eyes, “Halloween was two months ago.”

“I know.” Remus groaned, “I remind them every day.”

“Rest assured, Moon man— we’re working on it. For some reason, Christmas bedsheets are really fucking hard to find! We’re trying our best!”

“Yeah yeah, it’s fine, James,” Remus waved James off, throwing the bags of pet shit into the corner near his dirty laundry, “I’ve honestly just blocked the ugly ass, orange color out. I can barely see it, at this point.”

Remus turned around to see Lily picking something off of his window, grimacing as he observed the old, synthetic spider web.

“Dude, you have fake spider webs everywhere—“

“LILY CAREFUL!” James shouted aggressively, causing Lily to screech and throw the web as James began laughing, causing the annoyed girl to scoff and cross her arms.

“I hate you.” Lily grumbled.

“Hey!” Remus scolded, “No James-hate allowed in my room!”

“Yeah!” James added on uselessly, making Remus roll his eyes as the bespectacled boy grinned.

James and Remus eventually sat on the carpeted floor to play with the dog, which Remus had yet to name. He didn’t want to name the dog, because he wanted Sirius to name it, but leaving the thing nameless was a bit sad. Maybe he’ll just call him Tiny.

…

Yeah, it’ll do for the time being.

As James and Remus ruffled Tiny’s shaggy fur, Lily continued exploring Remus’s room, a constant stream of questions flowing out of her mouth.

“Who bought you this candle?”

“Uh, my mom?”

“Where’s your dirty laundry basket?”

“Don’t have one. It’s a dirty laundry pile.”

“Where’s your desk?”

“The kitchen table.”

“Why don’t you clean up your dirty plates?”

“Because I’m lazy?”

“Where are your normal bedsheets?”

“Gone. Vanished. Literally nowhere to be found.”

“You should let me paint your walls.”

“Uh, okay? I don’t think my landlord would like that, but give it your best shot.”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Uh, blue? Maybe brown? I actually have no clue.”

“Mines red!” James chimed in, which was met by nothing by an annoyed eye roll from Lily and a snicker from Remus.

“Thanks for sharing, James—“

“What the hell is this?”

That question finally made Remus roll his eyes, looking up to the dreaded yard sign taped to his wall. God, he needed to take that down.

“I’ve got no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Remus,” Lily shot Remus a stern look, “Don’t make me rip this thing down to find out—“

“Wait, no!” Remus exclaimed suddenly, lurching forward closer to the sliding, window door to look up at Lily. James snorted at the action, knowing damn well what was on that sign. “Actually, don’t do that, please.”

Okay, what the hell was wrong with him? He hated that sign! What the hell was up with that reaction?!

Lily raised a brow before pressing her cheek against the window, trying to read what it said from inside the room. Remus snorted.

“You look so dumb right now—“

“Remus John Lupin, don’t play with me.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Why the hell do you know everyone’s middle name?”

“I don’t.”

“Reallyyy seems like you do.”

Lily turned around to face Remus, placing one hand on her hip as she glared. “Literally name one other person whose middle name I know.”

“James—?”

“Okay, you’re done. James, beat him up, or something.”

Remus’s head whipped over to James, who, like a knight called to action, was now evilly smirking at Remus, slowing inching closer as Remus backed up. Remus yelped, falling backwards onto carpet as James lunged at him, Lily’s laughs chiming in the background only seeming to motivate the annoying boy further.

“Evans!” James called out between laughs as Remus tried to wrestle him away, unfortunately, to no avail, “You can read it from outside! Open the sliding door—!”

“Lily, don’t listen! James is a big, fat, fucking liar—!”

“Do it, Lily!”

Lily giggled as her hand neared the metal handle, but unfortunately she seemed to be suddenly stopped short.

“Okay, how do I open this lock?”

Remus barked out a laugh as James chuckled, taking one hand off of Remus’s pinned body to direct Lily. Remus didn’t even try to fight back— he didn’t care enough.

“Go like that,” James pointed down, “Them like that, and then like—“

“James, what the fuck are you talking about?! There’s, like, eight locks on this lock!”

“You— you push the top one up—“ James pointed vaguely, flicking his finger upwards as Lily struggled.

“Huh?!”

“The top!”

“Which top?!”

“I— I don’t even know—?!”

“James! This is pathetic!”

“I know! I know! Just— just hold on!” James looked back down to James, and shook his head at his horizontal form, “Could you just, like, stay here for a sec?”

“Oh, yeah,” Remus said between snickered, “No problem, man.”

James beamed. “You’re the best, Loops! Give me one sec—“

Lily protested as James climbed off of Remus, her head shaking as he jogged over.

“What the fuck—?!”

“No no, he’s staying, I swear!”

Remus, luckily for James, had no intention of moving. Watching them act like idiots as he layed on the floor, petting Tiny, might have just become his new favorite hobby.

Lily eventually gave in, her arms dropping to her sides with a huff as she made space for James, allowing the boy to fumble for a second with Remus’s, admittedly very confusing, lock.

“Remus, why the hell is your lock like this?” James grunted out as he crouched down to the lock, trying to get his terrible eyes to focus on the small, black notches.

“No honestly— this has got to be a fire hazard!”

“I could literally just walk out of the front door.” Remus rolled hies eyes, “I’ll be just fine.”

“What if the fire was near the front door?”

“Then I’ll smash the window?”

“With what?”

“The fuck you mean ‘with what’?!” Remus scoffed, “My hands? My arms? My chromebook—?!”

“I did it!” James suddenly exclaimed, straightening back up as he pulled the old door open. It took him a few seconds of struggle to get the thing to unstick— admittedly, Remus hadn’t been on his balcony since the whole Christmas Light debacle. It gives him war flashbacks.

James and Lily both filed out onto the small balcony, tilting their heads at the little sign.

“This almost feels like a let down.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Well, what the fuck did you think it was going to be?”

“I mean, I was definitely right in my assumption of it being Sirius-related.”

“This one’s lame compared to the other,” James snickered, causing Remus to groan at what would undoubtedly be an embarrassing story. Lily looked up at James, her attention immediately diverted.

“There used to be three signs up here. Sirius’s, mine, and one we made that just said—“ James stopped short, his smile dropping as he suddenly began to think. “Shit, I forgot what it said, but it was definitely something funny.”

Remus burst out laughing once again as Lily gaped at James, her mouth curled in an open grimace.

“Who the hell tells a story without remembering what the story was about?! What the hell’s wrong with you?!”

“It’s okay, don’t worry!” James quickly assured the angry girl, beginning to reach for his back pocket, “I took a picture!”

“Nooooo!” Remus groaned dramatically, momentarily taking his hand off of tiny to drag it over his face. Tiny whined immediately, causing Remus to quickly return his hand to where it had been to keep the little puppy happy. James and Lily both giggled at him like idiots, making Remus groan again. “Don’t do itttt.”

“I’m either showing her a picture, or digging that shit out of your closet. Which would you rather, Lupin?”

“Ughhhhhhh.”

“Huh, I’m not sure I heard you correctly,” James cupped a hand to his ear, leaning slightly towards Remus with mock confusion, “What was that?”

“I said go fuck yourself, fuckhead. If you wanna find that sign, make sure to bring a biohazard suit. I’ve heard the dumpsters are awfully acidic this time of year—“

“Remus!” James gasped, putting a hand to his heart, “You threw away all of our hard work and love?!”

“Oh course not! It fell off the wall, and then I threw it away!”

“Remus! How dare you!” James gasped once again.

“Yeah, my bad!” Remus snorted, “Sorry, Prongsie!”

“Aww, your forgiven, Space Ranger—“

“Oh hell nah—“

“— I love it when you use nicknames!”

“I’m never doing it again if you keep playing. Now shut that door and get your bitch asses back in here. It’s cold as shit.”

Lily giggled as James saluted, extending an arm to allow Lily to enter first before closing the door behind himself.

“Thanks for your patience, Lupin,” James grinned as he hovered above Remus, causing the boy to curl into himself as he protested, “Now, where were we?”

Remus might’ve dramatically screamed in horror as James tackled him, but in all honesty, Remus didn’t mind. With Lily laughing as she took pictures of them fighting, Carla and Rose Gold swimming around together in the tank, and Tiny licking the side of Remus’s face as he struggled, he realized he didn’t mind at all.

Yeah, call Remus a genius. The Christmas shopping plan had gone absolutely flawless.

Take that, Sirius.