Would You Rather

“Bro, back the fuck off—“

“Just give me a sip—!”

“Hold up, wait!” James abruptly interrupted Sirius and Remus’s bickering with both of his hands raised, looking up from his plastic cup of mac and cheese with a wide eyed expression.

They had decided on getting gas station food for lunch that day— Remus and Sirius both getting slushies, while James and Peter got mac and cheese. Remus fucking loved slushies— he was genuinely in second heaven. He’d gotten cherry as he always did, and Sirius got blue razz berry. Also as always, Sirius was insistent on drinking Remus’s drink instead of his own. Fucking asshole.

They all waited as James inhaled, apparently bracing himself for whatever dumbass statement he was about to share. Never a good sign. Literally never.

James leaned in and lowered his voice to a whisper, almost conspiratorially. The rest of them instinctively leaned in as well.

“What the hell is a Woodchuck?”

…

All of the boys sat in silence, turning to shoot James identical stares of disbelief.

“Huh?!”

“The fuck?”

“Bro, what’s a Woodchuck?”

“Exactly— that’s what I’m saying!” James exclaimed loudly, pointing his dirty fork at Sirius, and making the boy splutter in confusion. “Everyone asks how much wood could a Woodchuck chuck, but no one’s even bothered to learn what a Woodchuck is!”

Remus narrowed his eyes. “Literally who the fuck talks about Woodchucks?”

“Everyone!”

“Wait, yeah,” Peter chimed in, as always, in James’s defensive, “That’s the tongue twister thingy!”

“Yes— yes, Pete!” James yelled, changing the direction of his fork to face Peter, “The tongue thingy!”

“Ew— please don’t call it that—“

“I was in class, right? Doing classy stuff, when the teacher started making us do tongue twisters—“

“What the hell?”

“That’s so unfair! Why couldn’t I do tongue twisters?!” Sirius exclaimed, smacking the bottom of his styrofoam slushy cup to his thigh.

“Because Mrs. Mcgonagall’s a bitch—“

“I told you, you should’ve picked ASL 2, man,” James waved dismissively at Sirius’s ridiculously betrayed expression, “Anyway—“

“Wait,” Remus interrupted James’s story once again, unable to help himself, “How do you even do a tongue twister in ASL? Don’t you just use your hands?”

Sirius turned in his seat to smirk deviously as Remus. “Who said you can’t twist tongues with your hands?”

“Ew, what the fuck—“

“Who’s letting you put your entire hand in their mouth?” Peter asked, falling victim to what will undoubtedly become another one of Sirius’s dumbass, “Talk about how much of a hoe I am” speeches. It’s surprising how often those actually occur. Very unfortunate, if you ask Remus.

Sirius wiggled his eye brows, making Remus sigh and James snort. “It wouldn’t be your entire hand, Wormy— only the fingers—“

“Ew!” Remus yelled loudly, covering his face with his hands, “You’re so fucking gross!”

“Guysss,” James whined, causing the rest of them to temporarily go quiet, “Can I finish my story?”

When the bespectacled boy was met with three reluctant nods, he beamed at them, clearing his throat and starting again.

“Okay, so I was in ASL, and the teacher was like ‘Alright kids, let’s do some tongue twisters!’ And we were all like, ‘The fuck? How?’ So she pulled up a list of common tongue twisters, and taught us how to sign all of the words!”

“Ahhh.”

“That actually makes more sense—“

“So anyway, I was looking at the board, and I saw the Woodchuck thingy. Ever since, I’ve been wondering what the hell a Woodchuck is.” James pointed his fork at Remus this time, “I was hoping you’d know, Moons.”

Remus scrunched his face up in confusion, dropping his slushy away from his mouth mid sip. “Why the hell would I know?!”

“Because,” James shrugged, thankfully dropping the fork to continue eating his mac and cheese, “You know these things.”

“Hold up,” Peter interrupted, leaning forward to grab the back of Sirius’s chair, “Genuinely who is letting you put your fingers in their mouth? I need to know this.”

Remus groaned loudly, slumping back in his seat as James cackled. Sirius seemed to be overjoyed by the question, his face relit with its previous smirk.

“Do you want me to give you a list?”

Remus yelled no at the same time both of his traitorous friends replied yes, causing Sirius to place his cup back in the cup holder with a flourish, and retrieve his phone from his back pocket. James let out an aggressive laugh, leaning over the center console to stare at Sirius’s phone.

“There’s no way you actually have a list for this.” James said between snickers, his booming laughter reviving when Sirius nodded honestly.

Despite himself, Remus leaned forwards curiously, peering over Sirius’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of the screen as well.

He couldn’t help the horrified expression which came over his face.

“You have it sorted in a fucking folder?!” Remus shouted, making James laugh even harder, and Peter lean forwards as well.

“What’s the name?” Peter asked curiously, apparently not able to see past Sirius’s bitch ass privacy screen protector.

“‘Girls!’ He literally just named it Girls!”

James was dying of laughter at this point, rocking back and forth and nearly hitting his head on every available surface.

“Alright, guys, calm down,” Sirius rolled his eyes as he spoke, scrolling the absurdly long notes folder to find what he was looking for, “I’ve almost got it.”

“Sirius,” Remus said, taking a deep breath, “If you actually manage to find any form of dumbass notes page with the name, ‘Girls who let me put my fingers in their mouth,’ I will bitch slap you so fucking hard.”

Sirius bared his teeth awkwardly, slowly dropping his phone down to his thighs.

“Well now I don’t really wanna find it.”

Unluckily for Sirius, James snatched the phone from Sirius’s lap before he had time to react, swiping aggressively through the folder as Sirius protested.

“Jesus christ— why the hell do you have so much shit in here?!”

Sirius lunged for the phone once again, falling over James as the boy swiped it from his reach.

“B—because,” Sirius grunted, still helplessly reaching for the phone, “I— I know a lot of girls—“

“‘Girls I like,’ ‘Girls who are annoying,’ ‘Girls I hate’,” James read aloud, rolling the window down to farther lean from Sirius, “Uncreative ass names, but they get the point across. Should we read one?”

Peter and Remus shouted yes as Sirius let out a strange war cry, unbuckling his seat belt to climb onto James. James needed no further convincing, he opened up the “Girls I Hate” page, raising an amused brow as he read it.

“Bro, there’s literally only two names.”

“Yeah,” Sirius huffed, nearly smacking James in the face as he reached out the window, “That’s because I’m such a forgiving guy—“

“Dorcas, of course— no surprise there,” James read, pulling his feet to his stomach to kick the rapid boy back, “And, uhhh… Annie? Who the hell is Annie?”

“Oh, Annie Williams?” Peter asked, tilting his head slightly to the side as he thought, “Like, the one Remus used to be friends with?”

Remus snickered. “What the hell did Annie do to you?”

Remus remembered Annie pretty well— she used to live in the apartment beneath Remus, and had become a pretty good friend of his in middle school. In fact, upon moving up into high school, she was pretty much his only friend— until he met the other boys of course. She moved away after Freshmen year, unfortunately passing her apartment onto some insane ass cat lady named Mrs. Trelawney. Why Sirius hated her, though, was beyond him. Annie was a nice girl— there was literally nothing Remus could imagine her doing to receive Sirius’s hatred.

“Nothing— she didn’t do anything.” Sirius finally managed to get a hold of his phone, slinking all the way back to his seat before anyone could form a coherent thought, “I don’t even remember why she’s there.”

James shrugged, ready to move on from the topic, but unfortunately, Peter wasn’t. That fucking gossipy bitch. Peter continued slowly stroking his chin, eventually nodding in some form of understanding.

“Oh yeahhh,” He cooed, a slight smirk on his face, “Annie. Remus, didn’t she ask to be your Valentine when we were Freshmen?”

Remus snorted. “Oh shit, yeah— I totally forgot about that.”

“Huh…” Peter tilted his head once again, sending Sirius an odd, pointed look. Sirius sank back into his seat, as if he’d been caught red handed or some shit. What the fuck was going on? Did Remus miss something?

“Guys, am I missing something?” James asked, voicing Remus’s thoughts aloud, “What did Annie do? I’m so lost.”

“Me too, dude— me too.”

“She didn’t do anything,” Sirius said snappily, his eyes narrowed in obvious anger, “Now do you wanna hear the finger list or not?”

Successfully distracted, the two boys once again chimed yes as Remus groaned, dropping his head to his hands.

“Wait, hold up,” James interrupted once again, “Before you find the list, I have one more question.”

They all looked to James, waiting for the boy to continue.

“I thought Peter Piper was the pizza dude— why the fuck is he picking pickled peppers?”

They all groaned in unison, Remus’s being the loudest.

God, James was a fucking idiot.

•••

“Should I get a stick and poke?” Sirius asked, staring into Remus’s bathroom mirror as he tugged and pulled on the curly strands of his hair.

“Bro, you’re legal,” Remus rolled his eyes, “Just go to a fucking tattoo shop.”

“But that’s so boringgg.” Sirius whined, dropping his hands to his sides, and making Remus narrow his eyes in annoyance. “I feel like that defeats the point.”

Remus raised a brow. “And the point is…?”

“The ‘point’,” Sirius huffed, giving Remus a harsh look through the mirror, “Is that I’d be getting an underage tattoo.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you, old man, but it’s a bit late for that.” Remus turned to face Sirius with a smirk, using his hand to swipe the hair back off of his forehead, revealing Sirius’s (unfortunately) perfect hairline. Sirius’s eyes widened comically; his mouth dropping open like a fish. “Don’t be surprised when your hairline starts receding.”

Sirius broke out of his little trance to scowl at Remus, batting his hand away from his head and turning back to lean against the sink.

They’d originally come to Remus’s house to plan for their dumb ass, Thanksgiving fight, but Sirius had been nothing but distracted ever since they arrived.

Sirius had done everything from taking down old Halloween decorations, forcing Remus to make him scrambled eggs, helping Remus with his laundry, considering whether or not he’d look good blond, and forcing Remus to spend a long time convincing him he wouldn’t. All and all, they definitely weren’t getting their shit done.

“Wait wait wait, Moony,” Sirius exclaimed, grabbing onto Remus’s arm and literally jumping up and down like a fucking idiot, “You should let me give you a stick and poke!”

Remus let out a sudden laugh at his words, unable to stop himself. He slapped a hand to his mouth, attempting to hide his smile as Sirius stared hopefully up at him.

“Fuck no!” Remus said between laughs, making his refusal sound significantly less honest, “What the hell’s wrong with you?!”

“Pleaseee,” Sirius begged, clasping his hands together and giving Remus his best puppy dog eyes, “I’ll be so careful! It’ll look sooo good— trust! I’m a great artist!”

“Absolutely fucking not,” Remus shook his head, pushing Sirius back by his shoulders to put some distance between them, “There’s no fucking way I’m letting you come anywhere near me with a needle.”

“What if we get James to do it?”

“No.”

“Peter?”

“Fuck no.”

“Lily?”

“Nope.”

“Marlene—?”

“Sirius, I’m not getting a stick and poke.”

“But Moonsss,” Sirius whined once again, trailing behind Remus as he began retreating back to his room, “It’d be so fun!”

“Are you familiar with the term, ‘no’?”

Sirius snorted, flopping down onto Remus’s bed with a surprising amount of grace, and letting himself sprawl out on the covers.

“Can’t say I am.” Sirius said with a smirk, making Remus roll his eyes.

“I’m sure all of your little girlfriends love that.”

Sirius’s face dropped to a blank stare, “Alright, Bud—“

Remus narrowed his eyes at Sirius for the nickname, grabbing a random water bottle off of his dresser and raising it threateningly. Sirius started snickering from the bed, backing himself into the corner, and causing him to begin slipping into the crack. Remus approached with his water bottle, looming above Sirius with what he hoped was a mean looking glare.

“No. More. Saying. Buddy.”

“What— would you prefer babe?”

“No!”

“Then you gotta deal with it!” Sirius shrugged from his sliver of the bed, really only allowing him to awkwardly raise his shoulders.

Remus groaned into his hands, shaking his head at his idiotic friend as he tossed the water bottle into a random corner. He told himself he’d pick it up later, but he probably wouldn’t.

Unfortunately, the bottle somehow managed to curve towards Remus’s dresser, hitting the surface with a loud crash, and causing all of the items he lazily left there to topple off. Remus winced. He really was gonna have to clean his room later. This was all Sirius’s fault.

…

Okay, no it wasn’t, but Remus didn’t give a fuck.

Sirius was still snickering from the bed, but by that point, he’d wiggled himself out from the corner, making himself comfortable on Remus’s pillow.

“Get your nasty ass off my pillow—!“ Remus snatched the pillow from beneath Sirius’s head, only managing to pull it halfway off the bed before the asshole’s reflexes kicked in. Sirius held onto the other end of the pillow firmly, smirking as he fought to hold on.

Remus eventually gave up with a roll of his eyes— the momentum knocking Sirius back with a grunt. Remus snorted.

“Why the hell are your sheets still like this?” Sirius asked, switching the topic quickly. Remus raised a brow, observing where Sirius was running his hands over the orange, bat themed covers.

In all honesty, Remus had just been too lazy to switch them out. Also, he still hadn’t been able to find wherever ever the fuck Sirius had hidden his old ones, so Remus pretty much had no choice in the matter.

“We’ve literally been in here, like, four times today. How the hell are you just noticing this?”

Sirius shrugged, fluffing and placing the pillow back where it belonged, and flopping down to lay with a sigh.

Fortunately for Sirius, most of the fight had left Remus by this point, causing Remus to do nothing but sit down beside him.

“Should we go to Walmart?” Sirius asked, a hopefully tone underlying in his voice, “We could buy you Christmas ones!”

Remus groaned. “What the fuck is up with your obsession with Walmart?”

Sirius gasped, gaping at Remus with offense. “Hey! Don’t talk about my baby like that—!”

“You probably jack off to pictures of that dumbass yellow flower—“

“And what if I do?! Is our love a crime?!”

“You’re such a little shit.” Remus rolled his eyes, dodging Sirius’s attempt to launch the pillow at his face.

Remus motioned for Sirius to scoot over, lying down beside him with a relieved sigh.

“Okay, so if Walmarts a no go, how about Target?”

“Sirius, we’re not getting off of this fucking bed until we have a solid script. You better get writing.”

“But Moonss,” Sirius whined, “We don’t need to script it out! Let’s just improv!”

“I’m fucking shit at improv!” Remus tried arguing with his annoying friend, despite knowing it was futile. Sirius was rarely ever swayed. “Don’t you remember our theater class Sophomore year?”

“Ahhh Mrs. Sprouts class— “ Sirius snorted at the memory, looking up wistfully as if seeing the scene play back to him like a movie. “How could I forget? Our play about the wizards was fucking amazing— don’t even deny it.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but it was only amazing because we spent literal hours planning it. That stupid ass thing took us fucking forever— you made me do actual fucking research on the wizards from DnD and the Hobbit to make sure it was ‘mythically accurate enough’—“

Remus did the last part in air quotes, which were slapped away promptly by Sirius.

“Hey, but you can even deny it— our play was 100% the most mythically accurate in the class.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Remus rolled his eyes once again, “That’s because literally no one else gave a fuck.”

“Alright, tone down the attitude, buddy—“

“If you fucking ‘buddy’ me one more time,” Remus said, trying to sigh back his anger as Sirius giggled idiotically beside him, “I swear to god, I’m calling up fucking Trelawney, and having her send her angry ass cat mob at you.”

Sirius gasped, sitting up straight on the bed as he stared wide-eyed at Remus.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Oh, yes the fuck I would.”

“You know I hate cats, you little bitch!” Sirius exclaimed shrilly, almost making Remus break his act of fake scolding, “They’re fucking evil!”

“Well then— it’s your lucky day!” Remus stated simply, a slightly mischievous smirk breaking its way over his face, “You’ll be spared from the cats’ wrath if you just shut the fuck up with the buddy thing. Are those terms good enough for you?”

Sirius scowled, but nodded, side-eyeing Remus as he adjusted himself on the bed, moving to lie his head on Remus’s pillow.

Remus rolled his eyes at the action, shoving Sirius back into the crevice between the bed and the wall. Sirius protested, but Remus ignored him, lying on his stomach and mashing his face into his pillow. Sirius snickered, but the sound was faint from where Remus’s face was buried.

“Great idea, Moons,” Sirius shifted himself closer to Remus, infiltrating the single pillow on his bed, “Let’s just nap!”

“Nope, we’re not napping,” Remus muffled out unconvincingly, not even bothering to lift his head, “We’re scripting.”

Sirius snorted. “Sure doesn’t look like it.”

“Yes it does,” Remus finally lifted his head, shooting a nasty glare towards Sirius, “Focus up.”

“Fineee,” Sirius sighed, “If you really want to be boring.”

“Yep.“

Sirius scowled, but Remus ignored him, flipping onto his side to watch Sirius, who was gesturing vaguely towards Remus’s pants.

Remus raised a brow with a grimace. “The fuck are you doing?”

“Your phone, idiot,” Sirius eventually explained, making Remus “Ohhh” in understanding, “I’m trynna get you to take your fucking phone out.”

“Well, maybe use your words next time, instead of being a fucking freak—“ Remus was just about to pull his phone from his pocket when he got an idea, shaking his head and dropping back down.

“Hold on— why do I have to be the secretary?!”

Sirius scoffed. “Because this was your fucking idea?”

“No it wasn’t!” Remus defended himself loudly, “You were literally the one who came up with the whole thing!”

“Yeah, exactly— that’s why I shouldn’t be the secretary. Obviously, I’d be the boss in this situation.”

Remus scowled. “Yeah right— in your fucking dreams. Get your phone out.”

“I’m not writing this down! I don’t want to waste storage space!”

“You wouldn’t be,” Remus rolled his eyes, “We can just delete it when it’s done.”

“Then why the hell would we type it all out in the first place?!” Sirius argued, making Remus more and more agitated.

“Because we’re scripting, dumbass! Who the fuck scripts shit without writing it down!”

“People who do improv!”

“We’re not doing fucking improv!” Remus yelled, sitting up straight on the bed, “Take your goddamn phone out!”

“No!”

“Sirius,” Remus said firmly, glaring down at his friends from where he sat on his knees, “You’ve got five seconds to get your phone out before I throw you out that fucking window.”

Remus even pointed towards the window for added effect, Sirius’s football sigh still somehow attached to its surface. Sirius snickered as he followed Remus’s line of sight.

“Love the decoration, Moons,” Sirius smirked, “I’ll be sure to put your sign in my yard once you get it.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “The only reason that piece of shit is still hanging is because you used like a whole roll of duct tape to put it up there. I couldn’t get that thing off if I tried— now stop trying to distract me!”

“I’m not, I swear!” Sirius raised his hands in defense, “I was just complimenting the decor!”

“If I had a gun, I’d be pointing it at you right now.”

“Hey— no need for violence!”

“Get your phone out!”

“No—!”

This time, Remus didn’t let him finish. Before Sirius had time to react, Remus was lunging at him— tackling the smaller boy onto the bed with a huff, and aggressively attempting to steal the phone from his back pocket.

Sirius tried squirming away, but it was useless— all he managed to do was smack his head on the wall behind them. Hard.

“Ow— shit!” Sirius exclaimed loudly, moving the hand he was using to defend himself up to his injured head, giving Remus a perfect opening.

Unfortunately, Remus somehow went for the wrong pocket, giving Sirius just enough time to focus back on the fight and retaliate. Now Sirius was trying to get Remus’s phone as well, landing them in a strange ass position where they were completely tangled around eachother, both essentially reaching for eachother’s ass.

“Stop it, you fucker,” Remus grunted out, attempting to simultaneously push Sirius away and grab him at the same time. “We’re not using my phone!”

“Well we’re not using mine either! Just give it up!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No—!”

But Remus didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence. Without warning, Remus’s bedroom door flew open, leaving Remus and Sirius to be viewed in a very compromising position by none other than Remus’s father, Lyall Lupin.

Now, if Remus were to make a list of worst case scenarios for their current situation, “Lyall Lupin catching Remus and Sirius grabbing each others asses” would 100% be at the very top.

Lyall, in Remus’s opinion, was not a great father. If fact, he’d even go so far as to say the man wasn’t even a good guy. Lyall was, in a lack for a better term, a fucking asshole. Through and through. Unfortunately though, despite all of this, Remus still felt the overwhelming urge to make the man proud. Was it stupid? Yeah, but Remus couldn’t help it.

Lyall Lupin, had always been a fairly scary looking guy— a complete opposite from Remus’s mother. He basically looked exactly like Remus, but much older; his skin aged prematurely from long hours spent in the sun, and his clothes always dusty and fraying from long work days. He was pretty much the textbook definition of a blue collar man, and of course, in Remus’s opinion, the textbook definition of a fucking dickhead.

Lyall had never been very present in Remus’s life— especially compared to Hope, who had always tried her hardest to make sure Remus felt loved. Where Hope would show up to Remus’s various school activities, Lyall would say they were stupid and stay home. Where Hope would encourage Remus’s more nerdy interests, Lyall would detest them, saying shit like, “Remus needs to man up,” and “Stop acting like such a fucking girl.”

In fact, it was Lyall who had forced Remus into basketball— attempting to give him a more “manly” hobby. Remus had been really into knitting at that time for some reason, and Lyall fucking hated that— going so far as to throw all of his needles and shit away, and signing him up for a random basketball league at the church near their apartment.

Remus has hated sports ever since, but he’s honestly scared of how his dad would react if he ever voiced such a thing.

“What the fuck are you boys doin’?” Lyall boomed, causing both of the boys to scramble away from eachother, sitting up stock straight on opposite ends of the bed. They both spoke at once, equally panicked.

“Nothing, Sir!”

“Yeah, sorry Dad— we were just, uh… fighting.”

Remus could feel Sirius shift uncomfortably beside him as Lyall sized them up, the covers shuffling loudly beneath them.

Eventually, Lyall narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. Sirius and Remus both held their breaths in sync, the sound of their inhales deafening in the quiet room.

Finally, Remus’s dad sighed, dropping his arms to his sides. “I just came in to tell ya Hope’s makin’ soup. You staying for dinner, Black?”

“Oh! Uh…” Sirius looked over to Remus, as if silently asking for permission.

“Yeah, he’ll stay.” Remus nodded, turning to address his father, “Thanks, Dad.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Lyall put his hand back on the door handle, slowly walking backwards, “Don’t let me catch you boys like that again.”

“You won’t!” Remus scrabbled to answer.

“Yeah, sorry, Sir!” Sirius added on as well.

Remus’s dad thankfully nodded at the promises, backing up slowly to retreat back into the living room, distrust clear in his eyes. He eventually left the room, leaving the door open a couple of inches. Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes, waiting until his dad was out of earshot to stand up from the bed, walking over to close the door the rest of the way.

Remus swiped a hand over his face to calm his racing heartbeat, not really sure why he was so worked up in the first place. It wasn’t even like he and Sirius had been doing anything— they were literally just fighting over whose phone to use. Why the hell was Remus so worried about this? This could easily be explained— they were just fighting!

As Remus repeated this little mantra to himself, he looked up to glance at Sirius, the other boy seeming to be just as shell shocked as Remus felt.

Jesus— leave it to Lyall fucking Lupin to completely kill the vibe. With a sigh, Remus walked over to Sirius, stopping just short of the bed to sit on the floor, his back leaned against the frame. Sirius eventually joined him, slipping off of the mattress in silence, and sitting a considerable distance away.

In hindsight, that was a strange thing for Sirius to do, but Remus didn’t give the action much thought.

Sirius and Remus sat there for a second in uncomfortable silence, neither knowing what to say. Eventually, Remus broke, reaching into his back pocket.

“We can just use my phone.”

“No, it’s fine,” Sirius retrieved his phone as well, looked wide-eyed at Remus, “We can use mine—“

“Dude, shut up— just let me be secretary.”

“I— I mean, if you’re sure—“

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Remus interrupted, opening up his phone and creating a new notes page. He named it “Dumbass plan number 182892929201,” which thankfully received a short snort from Sirius, who was rolling his eyes playfully at the title.

“Very specific number. Have you been counting?”

“Nah, this is just a lowball guess. I’m sure the actually number would be in the quintillions.”

Sirius squinted at the screen. “Bro, that is in the quintillions.”

“Huh?”

“Your number,” Sirius pointed, double tapping on the random ass number Remus had typed out, “That’s in the quintillions.”

“No the fuck it isn’t— quintillion has way more numbers.”

“Nu uh— we learned about this in math!”

“We have the same math class, idiot,” Remus rolled his eyes, “I know what I’m talking about.”

Sirius started loudly counting out the amount of numbers, causing Remus to try and conceal his phone screen, leaning himself tediously over onto his side. Sirius followed, basically lying on top of Remus as he attempted to view the screen.

“Four, five, six, eight…”

“Bro, get the fuck off—!”

“Twenty eight, seventy four—“

“Who the hell taught you how to count?!”

“My tutors.” Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, just about to return to his counting when Remus shoved him off, stopping to gape at his friend.

“Why the hell did you have tutors— you’re literally the smartest person I know?!”

“Not those type of tutors,” Sirius waved him off, rolling his eyes as he spoke, “I spent most of elementary being homeschooled by these tutors my parents hired. They were all fucking assholes— I hated homeschooling. They were basically just mean ass, bitchy teachers who would come to my house and teach me shit.”

“Huh.” Remus hummed thoughtfully, nodding as he absorbed the information, “You know what— you being homeschool explains a lot.”

“Hey—!”

“Anyways, let get back to work. We have a script to write.”

Sirius groaned loudly, slipping down to lay on his back dramatically. Remus just rolled his eyes, moving to kick Sirius lightly in the side.

They were 100% just gonna end up improvising.

Remus sighed.

Sirius always managed to get his way.

•••

“In our school, who do you think is most likely to be a school shooter?” Peter asked randomly, looking up from the notebook paper he’d been scribbling on.

Sirius snorted. “Don’t even play— it’s Snape. No questions asked.”

They were all currently sitting in James’s room, soaking in the glory which was the first day of Thanksgiving break. They’d already gone thrifting, gone to Walmart, and gotten Dutch Bros, so their life was pretty much complete. For once, Remus had absolutely no complaints.

James immediately groaned, shaking his head in distress at the mere mention of the greasy boy.

“Jesus, can’t a man go one day without being reminded of his mortal enemy?”

“Mortal enemy?” Peter questioned with a snicker, one amused brow raised, “When did that start?”

“Wormy, I’m hurt!” James gasped in genuine offense, “It’s like you don’t even know me! Does our friendship mean nothing to you?!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Tone down the dramatics, Bud—“

“I just thought you mildly disliked him because Lily was friends with him or some shit?” Peter continued, both of them ignoring Remus as they spoke.

“Mildly disliked?!” James exclaimed dramatically, putting both of his hands to the sides of his head to accentuate his distress, “No. Never. More like ‘extreme abhorrence!’ I genuinely can’t even conceptualize a conversation between that slimy asshole, and a goddess like Lily. It’s unfair— absolutely obscene—!“

“Damn, Prongs,” Sirius interrupted with a snort, “Did someone shove a dictionary up your ass?”

Remus smirked. “It was probably Snape— that’s why he’s so butt hurt about him.”

“Yeah, his butt would definitely be hurting—“

“I bet Lily did it,” Peter looked up thoughtfully, tapping his hands on his notebook, his pencil thrown to the side; forgotten, “But like, in defense of Snape—“

“Alright, stop it, you traitors,” James narrowed his eyes at the boys, causing them both to snicker a bit before going quiet, “I need to inform Wormy of ‘The Great Tale of James and The Greasy Nosed Freak.’”

“‘Greasy nosed freak’?” Remus raised an unimpressed brow, making Sirius snort, “Is that the best you got?”

“Hey, cut him some slack,” Sirius tried to keep a serious expression, but the slight curling of his lips gave him away, “He’s got a dictionary up his ass, not a thesaurus.”

“Stop talking about my ass!” James exclaimed loudly, ignoring their giggles as he cleared his throat, preparing for his story.

In all honesty, Remus was far more interested to hear about the “Greasy Nosed Freak” shit than he let on. Remus had always known that James wasn’t too fond of Snape, but that was about as far as his knowledge went. Snivillus was certainly insufferable— there was no doubting that— but it was obvious James seemed to detest the shitty kid even more than the rest of them.

It was weird, sure, but Remus had never cared enough to question it. Literally any time Remus went anywhere with Sirius and James, they would point out some random person and scowl, saying some shit about them being their “greatest enemy.” In all honesty, the word started losing its meaning. Literally everyone was their enemy, and Remus had become too lazy to question it at this point.

“Okay, okay,” James cleared his throat loudly, demanding the attention of the entire room, “It all started back in seventh grade. Me, Lily, and Snape all shared a table in english class. It was my first day of middle school, and obviously, me being me, I was fucking jumping for joy about being placed with Lily. It was like love at first sight— the second I layed eyes on her, twirling her gorgeous, fiery hair around her pale finger, I was done for. I knew she was destined to be my future wife, and I was ready to do whatever it took to win her heart.”

“Yikes, a bit creepy there, Prongs.” Remus grimaced, imagining poor Lily being harassed by James for six fucking years. Someone needed to get that girl a therapist, she definitely needs one.

Sirius and Peter both shushed him, allowing James to return to his story.

“Anywaysss, I was in love— obviously. But unfortunately, a certain greasy freak just so happened to have a little crush as well. Mine wasn’t a crush though— we’re soulmates, so it’s more like just a natural draw to eachother. Lily’s just in denial—“

“Alright we get it,” Remus rolled his eyes, “Keep going.”

“Right. So, I obviously try to talk to Lily— you know, get to know her, some small talk, some pick up lines—“

This time it was Sirius who interrupted, unable to contain a loud snort at James’s words.

“There’s no fucking way you tried pick up lines on Lily.”

“Of course I did,” James rolled his eyes, as if that should’ve been obvious. It really wasn’t, but the idiot was too stupid to understand such a thing, “What the hell else would I do?”

“I desperately need you to tell me all of the pick up lines you used.” Sirius said, clasping his hands together in a plead as he openly laughed in James’s face.

James didn’t seem to catch the hint, for he began listing them off, using his fingers to keep track.

“Well, of course I started with the, ‘Did you just fall from heaven’ one, because that’s a classic.”

“Hmm, of course, of course— naturally.” Sirius egged the poor boy on, nodding in mock honesty. “Go on, tell us more.”

“Then I asked her where she was born—“

“Yeah, because that’s not terrifying—“ Remus rolled his eyes, but everyone ignored him.

“— And she told me Tennessee, so I just had to do the, ‘You’re the only ten I see,’ one.”

“Of course.”

“Yeah, you had too. Obviously.”

“Yes!” James was beaming now, still apparently oblivious to Sirius and Peter’s mocking, “And after that, I did the, ‘Did you look both ways when you crossed my mind—‘“

“Ooooh,” Sirius and Peter cooed in unison, both nodding at each other in sync, “I’m sure she loved that one.”

“Yeah, that’s a good one. All the lady’s love that.”

“Oh, of course.”

“Is that the type of shit you text Melody?” Remus asked Peter with a smirk, redirecting the conversation.

Sirius snickered as Peter went red, obviously not expecting the joke to get turned on him.

“Hey, no Wormtail bullying!” James scolding, wrapping a protective arm around Peter’s shoulder, “I’m not done with my story.”

“Oh, yeah,” Sirius nodded, “So what happened after the pick up lines?”

“Well, uh,” James scratched the back of his head, grimacing, “She told me, and I quote, ‘Go fuck yourself, you arrogant toerag.’”

Sirius, Remus, and Peter couldn’t help themselves, they all burst out into aggressively laughter, all flopping to the floor as they wheezed.

“There’s no way!” Sirius said between laughter.

“Hell yeah, Lily!”

“Hey— I feel like you guys aren’t on my side right now.”

“No, no,” Sirius tried reassuring James, his voice breathless as snickered, “We are— trust. It was just funny.”

James rolled his eyes with a huff, defiantly crossing his arms. “It sounds like you don’t want to hear what I did to Snape.”

“No, we really do.” Remus managed to contain himself to just a smile, nodding at James for assurance, “Please, continue.”

“Okay, fine. So, Lily said that, and just to make matters worse, fucking Snivillus decided to butt his slimy nose where it didn’t belong, and started laughing in my face! I was pissed off at him— like, really pissed off— so as the bell rang, I mayyy or may not have pantsed him in front of the entire class.”

The boys all sat in stunned silence for a moment, processing James’s words in absolute shock.

Once again, they couldn’t help themselves. Remus and his friends all began laughing in James’s face, completely ignoring the boy as he attempted to justify his actions, and explain why that mad Snape his mortal enemy. None of them were able to listen, they were all laughing to hard, beginning to form some type of pile in the center of the room of out of breath boys.

Remus knows he says this a lot, but he feels the situation called for it.

James Potter was such a fucking idiot.

•••

“Remus, dear,” Mrs. Potter called from the stove, holding out her hand, “Could you hand me that wooden spoon over there?”

Remus nodded, moving to retrieve the spoon, shouldering Sirius dramatically out of the way as he did so. The boy did nothing but snicker loudly, moving to stand directly beside Remus as he had for most of the day.

Remus loved having Thanksgiving dinner at the Potter’s. The entire day was always spent in a flurry of incredible smells and constant chatter— the type of event which could warm the hearts of anyone who attended. James had always been a very open person, willing to share anything and everything with the people he loved, so it was no surprise Remus had been invited to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner back a couple of years ago, despite James only knowing Remus for a couple of months. Ever since, Remus has attended every Potter Thanksgiving dinner, and in all honesty, it’s become one of his favorite days of the year. Remus is a fucking fatass on a normal day, so Thanksgiving is pretty much just a justified day of devouring free, delicious food, and no one can judge him for it. Well, technically they could, but Remus just hits them if they do.

Anyways, that was irrelevant. What’s relevant is that Thanksgiving was Remus’s favorite holiday, and as he sat here in this incredible smelling kitchen, stirring the gravy, Remus thought he might’ve died and gone to heaven.

Mrs. Potter warmly thanked Remus as he handed her the spoon, allowing Remus to turn around to face his shadow. Sirius smirked up at Remus, giving him a little wave; his expression absolutely devilish. Remus rolled his eyes.

“Are you gonna trail me all day? Your kitchen’s huge, but you’re literally riding my ass.”

Sirius shrugged. “I just thought you might want company. Everyone else is outside playing football while you’re in here all alone, being a little housewife.”

“I’m not alone, I have Mrs. Potter,” Remus rolled his eyes, beginning to push Sirius by his shoulders around the massive kitchen island, “So why don’t you leave me alone and go join the footballers? Aren’t you like a football star or some shit?”

At that, Sirius gasped, a smiling lighting up his face as he suddenly went statue still, rendering Remus unable to continue pushing him.

“Ohh yeahhh,” He cooed, tapping his chin menacingly. Remus narrowed his eyes at the boy, extremely lost. “Speaking of football stars, I have a bone to pick with you.”

“Oh god,” Remus rolled his eyes, “No thanks—“

“No, no,” This time, its was Sirius grabbing Remus’s shoulders, holding him in place so he couldn’t run away, “I just have one question for you. Just one!”

“I have a right to remain silent,” Remus held up his fist in mock patriotism, “Fifth amendment—!”

“Oh hush, just listen,” Sirius rolled his eyes, and against his better judgment, Remus did go silent, waiting impatiently for whatever dumbass question Sirius was about to concoct.

“Alright, listen to me. Are you listening?”

Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. Don’t let anyone tell you his self control was terrible— he’s been doing fantastically today.

“Listening.”

“So, I was talking to Lily, right—“

“Wait, what?!” Remus interrupted, staring at Sirius with widened, shocked eyes, “You guys actually spoke? Civilly?”

“Well, yeah,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “I had to prepare for the plan, so I needed to know a bit more about her. That’s irrelevant though, just listen—“

“Listening.”

“Okay. So we were talking, and— Moony what the fuck are you doing?”

Remus had been opening up the fridge, trying to find a snack to eat while he waited for dinner. He knew Mrs. Potter was doing her best, but that didn’t make Remus any less starving.

“Get your bitch ass out of the fridge and listen to my story!”

“Listening.”

“No your not! You’re in the fucking fridge!”

Remus sighed dramatically, slowly shutting the door as he rolled his eyes at his annoying friend.

“Listening.

“No you’re not,” Sirius pointed to Remus’s hand, “You’re literally reaching for your phone.”

“Nu uh. I’m listening.”

“Okay, stop. No more of that!” Sirius reprimanded Remus with a raised, pointed finger, “Pick a different word— I’m done with ‘listening’—“

“But how else am I meant to show you I’m listening?”

Sirius groaned. “Don’t worry, I can tell—“

“How?”

“I can just sense it.” Sirius looked like he was seconds away from punching Remus, which Remus found highly amusing. No wonder Sirius liked annoying the shit out of people— this was lowkey fun.

“Anyway,” Sirius continued, though now significantly more exasperated, “I may have heard from Lily that you didn’t know my position—“

“Alright, out.” Remus interrupted Sirius suddenly, shoving the boy forward and directing him towards the sliding glass door which led to the patio.

“But Moons—!” Sirius protested.

“The footballers need you!”

“Stop deflecting—!”

“Oh, look! James!” Remus pointed in a random direction, hoping James was actually there, “I’m sure he’s been just dying for you to play with him.”

“Moony—!”

But Remus didn’t let the boy finish. Despite Sirius’s shouts, Remus pushed him out into the backyard, slamming and locking the glass door, and nearly bursting out laughing at the sight of the boy standing on the other end of the glass. Sirius stood there with a mocking pout, pressing his hand to the door like a caged animal.

This time, Remus really did laugh, bringing his hand up to hide it from Sirius.

Sirius tried rattling at the handle, but the door thankfully stayed locked, allowing Remus to give Sirius a little wave and retreat back to the kitchen. Mrs. Potter shot Remus a pointed look, a hint of amused disappointment in her eyes, but Remus didn’t care. He just shrugged his shoulders and gave her a smile, returning to what he’d been doing before Sirius had annoyed the shit out of him.

Remus was resisting the urge to swipe a hand over his brow, thankful he didn’t have to actually finish that conversation.

Speaking of bones to pick, Lily was 100% getting a strongly worded face time tonight.

A couple hours later— most of which Remus spent on Blockblast, if he was being entirely honest— dinner was finally almost ready. Mrs. Potter sent Remus outside to retrieve the boys, which Remus did only a bit begrudgingly.

Sirius and James were sitting on the patio couches in the shade, glasses of mysteriously gained lemonade in their hands. Remus rolled his eyes as he pulled the door open, staring down at the sitting boys, who were both looking up at him with matching, shit eating grins.

Remus raised a brow, taking in the scene in front of him.

“Why the hell do y’all look so suspicious?”

“What ever do you mean, Moons?” Sirius asked, the smile not leaving his face.

“Yes, what seems to be the problem?“ James added on, both of them speaking in dumbass, proper accents, “Why don’t you take a seat?”

“Oh, no thanks—“

“No, take a seat.” Sirius insisted.

“I’d really rather not.”

“We’d really rather you did.”

“I just love standing. Don’t you guys love standing—?”

“Sit down.”

“Ehhh—“

“Sit.”

“I—“

Unfortunately, it seemed Remus didn’t get a choice in the matter. Before he could react, two hands were dragging him down, throwing him into the seat between Sirius and James. Remus plopped down with a huff, narrowing his eyes at his friends.

Remus grimaced. “This feels like court mandated therapy.”

Sirius quirked a brow. “Familiar with that, are you?”

“No,” Remus shrugged, “But I probably will be after I break this glass over your head.”

Sirius and James both snickered at the threat, unconsciously shifting their lemonade glasses out of Remus’s reach.

“Okay,” James finally began, getting to the point, “We’ve worked really hard on this—“

“It was a group effort—“ Sirius added.

“You’re not allowed to run away—“

“This took us a lot of thought—“

“Yes, we spent all of our time out here coming up with this.”

Sirius nodded with a smirk. “All that time we could’ve been footballing, we spent on making this, just for you.”

“Holy shit, y’all are creepy.” Remus grimaced once their little performance was finished, “Never do that again. You aren’t allowed to finish eachothers’ sentences anymore.”

The boys both snickered again, making Remus roll his eyes.

“Now can you tell me what the fuck you’re talking about?”

“Of course!” James chimed.

“We’re so glad you asked!”

“Hey—!” Remus tried to yell at them for the sentence finishing, but they didn’t give him a chance, both boys clearing their throats in unison.

“Okay,” James began, “Would you rather—“

Remus tried to sit up, but was immediately restrained by Sirius, who had somehow managed to shoot out of his chair and stand behind Remus, pressing him down into his seat by his shoulders.

“Don’t worry, Moons,” Sirius was probably smirking as he said this, but Remus was too lazy to crane his head up to check, “It’ll all be over soon.”

“Wait, what the fuck—?!”

“Would you rather,” James continued, ignoring the scene in front of him, “Have to shove three turkeys up your ass—“

“HUH—?!”

“All at the same time, and then, once you pull them all out again, you’re forced to eat them. After they’ve been in your ass. Within the time span of two hours.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Remus tried to wiggled away from his captor, but it was no use. He was stuck listening to this weird ass, freaky ass Would You Rather question. This had to have been a nightmare.

“—And you’re not allowed to puke them up, or share them with anyone. You’ve got to eat them all.”

“Literally what the hell is wrong with you guys?!”

“Or,” James shifted question to Sirius, letting him finish it off, “You could be surgically put into a robot, and you basically merge with it, and become some weird ass cyborg-breed thingy. And inside of the cyborg, you’re commanded to be Slughorn’s servant for the rest of your life. Just imagine: running his bubble baths for him, washing his back, giving him foot rubs, making all of his food— and you have no choice but to do it all. You can still think, and still have a brain, but you can’t speak. You’re forced to do his bidding, and you’re not even allowed to complain—“

“Why are y’all literally villains?! Write a book, or some shit—“

“Oooh, and,” James added, ignoring Remus’s comment, “You’d have to jack him off if he asks—“

“Holy fucking shit—?!”

“Don’t listen to that part, Moons,” Remus could feel his shaking his head where he stood, “Prongs doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“But I thought we agreed on that?” James looked up, obviously addressing Sirius. Remus could feel him shake his head again.

“No, I told you not to add that! Then the answers too easy!”

“How?!”

“Because who the fuck would willingly jack off Slughorn?!”

“Someone who doesn’t want three turkeys up their ass—!”

“Alright, both of you shut the fuck up.” Remus silenced his two friends with his hands, “Do I have to jack Slughorn off or not?”

“No!”

“Hell yeah!”

Remus tried dropping his head to his hands, but he was stopped by Sirius’s grip on his shoulders. Instead, he just dragged his hand over his face, groaning loudly.

“Why are you guys so fucking stupid? Like genuinely?”

“Moons, you wouldn’t have to touch his dick, trust. That’s not part of it—“

“Yes he would—!”

“James, shut the fuck up!”

“Guys, can I—“

“We literally agreed!” James ignored Remus once again, still looking to Sirius.”

“Literally when?!”

“Don’t you remember when we decided on the foot rubs thing, I said, ‘And blowjobs!’ And you agreed!”

“Guys, let me speak—“ Remus tried again, but unsurprisingly, no one listened.

“No the fuck I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

“Nu uh—“

“Guys!”

“What!” James and Sirius both aggressively exclaimed, both turning to face Remus with barely concealed scowls.

“Can I answer the fucking question?! Jesus christ!”

“Fine.” James waved him off dismissively.

“Go for it, man.” Siris squeezed his shoulders in affirmation.

“Alright.” Remus nodded, “I pick the turkey one.”

…

“HUH?!”

“BRO WHY?!”

Both James and Sirius were staring at Remus with wide eyes, Sirius so shocked he moved to Remus’s side, shifting his neck to gape at Remus.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Because Sluggy’s fucking nasty!”

“Not that nasty!” James exclaimed.

“You wanna put three fucking turkeys up your ass?! Willingly?!”

“Not willingly!” Remus tried defending himself, raising his hands in surrender, “It’s a Would You Rather Question!”

“Yeah, and you picked the wrong answer!”

“There no wrong answers! That’s the whole point!”

“But that answer feels like beastiality!” Sirius said, raising a concerned brow.

“Wait,” James interrupted them, looking up thoughtfully, “Did we ever clarify if it was a live turkey?”

Remus narrowed his eyes at James. “It’s a dead one, right? I thought it was, like, already cooked? That way I could eat it after?”

“Ewww—“

“Ohh, wait— you’re so right!” James pushed his glasses up his nose with a smile, “I just thought we’d cook them after they’d been in your ass!”

“But then they’d be, like, disinfected or some shit…” Remus shook his head, realizing he was talking straight nonsense. “I don’t know. I have no clue what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t think Moons could handle three live turkeys up his ass.” Sirius stated randomly, now also looking up to the roof of the patio in thought.

“Bro, what—?!”

“You’re so right,” James nodded, “That’s too mean. How about we give him cooked turkeys, but add in the blowjob thing?”

Sirius smirked, holding out his right hand to his evil twin. “I’ll take that deal. Shake on it, bitch.”

James and Sirius shook hands with matching grins, leaving Remus standing to the side in confusion, grimacing at the display.

“Guys, what the fuck—“

“Alright, sit back down, Remus.” James pushed Remus back into his seat, not giving Remus time to protest, “Were starting over.”

“Wait—!!”

“Okay. Would you rather—“

“You’re doing it wrong,” Sirius pointed to the plate Remus was setting and tsked, walking over to rearranged the forks Remus had just placed. “Haven’t you ever set a table?”

“No, I haven’t, you rich fucking asshole.” Remus rolled his eyes, begrudgingly mimicking the arrangement of Sirius’s setting on the next seat as Sirius snickered, moving to hover beside Remus.

“So, we’re just gonna improvise this shit, right?” Sirius asked, his voice dropped to a whisper as he leaned in close to Remus.

Remus nodded, letting out a small sigh. “I guess. I’d rather have scripted it, but someone,” Remus sent Sirius a glare, “Didn’t think it was necessary.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be fine,” Sirius waved Remus off dismissively, “It’s just James. We could probably convince him aliens were invading if we tried.”

Remus hummed with a shrug, unable to deny that. James was gullible as shit— it’s impressive how many AI videos he’s fallen for. The other day, James sent Remus a photoshopped, bald picture of Lily (Peter had created) in genuine distress, fully convinced his precious “future wife” had gone bald. Remus couldn’t lie, it was the funniest thing he’d seen in a while. When he sent the picture to Lily, she got so fucking pissed. Peter’s a genius.

Anyways, that’s all irrelevant. If they were gonna trick anyone with their little game of pretend, it was James.

“Hold up,” Remus broke himself out of his own thoughts at the memory of Peter, looking around the Potter’s dinning room, “Where the hell is Wormy?”

“Oh, uhh,” Sirius leaned back, swiveling his head around the room, “I’m pretty sure he was having dinner with his family first. He’ll be here soon.”

Remus snorted. “Of course Pete’s gonna have two dinners.”

“Hey, you can’t talk,” Sirius joked, jabbing Remus in the side and laughing when he yelped, “Your the guy planning on eating three ‘ass turkeys’.”

Remus shot Sirius a firm glare. “We are never talking about that again. Ever. I don’t even want to hear the word ‘turkey’ come out of your mouth. Or ‘ass.’ Actually, I just don’t want to hear you speak. No more speaking.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Don’t lie— I know you love my voice.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

Just then, Remus and Sirius heard the sound of a door, followed by the loud, “Ayyyy” sound James made whenever he saw someone he knew. Remus and Sirius snapped the heads to look at each other, both nodding in agreement.

The plan had begun.

People eventually began filling into the large, formal dining room, some Remus knew, and some he was less familiar with. The Potter family was massive, but luckily, James’s house was large enough to seat them all. Much like their son, James’s parents were very welcoming, and often tried inviting as many people as they physically could. It could be a bit overwhelming at times, but once you learned how to make extremely dismissive small talk with a bunch of old ladies, it wasn’t all that bad. Although, their rose scented perfume could be a bit much. Occasionally, someone would hug Remus, and he’d think he was getting fucking fumigated. It was awful.

Remus took a deep inhale, breathing in the scent of the classic Thanksgiving foods he knew so well: the turkey, the ham, the gravy— god, Remus was going crazy. Thanksgiving really was the best day of the year.

Sirius got Remus’s attention with a small nudge, pointing towards where James and Peter were entering the room, engaged in booming conversation— most likely about football, if Remus had to guess.

Once the tables were set, the mingling began— the part of the night Remus dreaded the most. Remus’s strategy was usually just to trail beside Sirius, letting all of the questions deflect to him. Tonight was no different. As they placed down the remains of their silverware, they were immediately jumped by a hoard of old women, all dressed in ridiculously layers outfits, and absurd hairdos. Remus resisted the urge to snort, looking over to share an amused look with Sirius. They’ll 100% be making fun of them later.

“Hello, Ma’am!” Sirius greeted one of the lady’s warmly, leaning down to give the short woman a quick hug. Remus did the same, though far more awkwardly. Remus had a hard time with hugs— he always had to bend in ways his body absolutely didn’t agree with. It was rough, but Remus endured.

“Sirius, dear!” The woman exclaimed, placing a wrinkled hand to Sirius’s cheek. Remus resisted the urge to gag. “My, aren’t you just the most handsome boy I’ve ever seen. Isn’t he beautiful?” The lady asked, addressing her little gang of old ladies. They all nodded thoroughly, the sounds of their many clinking necklaces and earrings absolutely assaulting Remus’s ears.

“Thank you!” Sirius said with a smile, always a lover of attention, “And must I say, these rings are just gorgeous!”

Sirius removed the hand from his face smoothly, bringing it into his line of sight as he admired the rings. The woman blushed, bringing her other hand to her heart to swoon. The rest of the ladies all rushed to show their rings to Sirius as Remus rolled his eyes, slowly backing away from the scene while they were distracted.

Blockblast was calling his name. He had to escape.

Unfortunately, he didn’t get far. Just as Remus was nearing the the shadows of a dark corner in the hall, a woman stood in front of him, her massive glasses magnifying her eyes as she scanned his face. Remus was seconds away from screaming and running away. Why did the world hate him?!

Standing in front of Remus was none other than Mrs. Trelawney— Remus eccentric, freaky ass neighbor. Curse Mrs. Potter’s hospitality. Why the hell would she ever invite this nut case?!

Trelawney was dressed in her usual attire— all flowy shawls and big purses; her puffy hair pulled away from her face with a fabric headband. Remus was pretty sure he heard purring from her purse, but he was trying to ignore it.

Mrs. Trelawney grasped Remus’s hand without warning, dragging Remus forward as she adjusted her glasses; her massive eyes squinting at the sight of Remus’s large palm.

“Hmm…” She turned his palm back and forth lightly, leaving Remus to gape at her like a fucking idiot, unsure what the hell to say.

“Uhhh—“ Remus tried speaking, but was interrupted by a harsh “Shush,” leaving Remus to gape once again.

“Sit still, boy— I’m gonna give you a reading.” Mrs. Trelawney stated, her firm tone leaving no room for protest. Remus just nodded idiotically, letting the strange woman manhandle his hand.

This was another reason Remus was cautious of Mrs. Trelawney. She claimed she was a fortune teller, and always tried to give Remus a reading whenever she saw on him. It was terrifying. One time, he refused, and she literally sent her cats after him to make him comply. Remus wouldn’t be surprised if he genuinely pissed himself in fear that day. It literally haunted him. Remus fucking hated cats.

So far, in the three years they’d been neighbors, Remus had managed to avoid a reading from Trelawney. It was difficult, but he’d done it. Unfortunately now, in the comfort of his own friend’s house, she finally got him. Fucking bitch.

Mrs. Trelawney hummed as she worked, tracing her bony fingers over Remus’s palm. He resisted the urge to shudder. Why did he ever leave Sirius?! Why was he such an idiot?!

“So, uh,” Remus started awkwardly, going stiff as those magnified eyes met his. Jesus christ, this was awful. “Everything look good?”

Trelawney squinted for a moment before looking down, pointing at a line on Remus’s hand. Remus followed her line of sight, staring at his palm in confusion.

“Uhh—?”

“See this line?”

Remus nodded.

“You will be going through a great hardship soon. A massive change in your life. You’ll learn lots of things about yourself in the process— things your couldn’t imagine. It won’t be easy, but you’ll come out better from it.”

“I— huh?” Remus raised a brow, “You got all that from a line?”

“Yes. There’s a break in your lifeline.”

“Okay?”

“Now see this line?” Trelawney moved her finger without further explanation, pointing at a different spot on his palm. Remus nodded cautiously. “That’s your heart line.”

“Uhh, okay—?”

“See how it’s short? With a slight curve?”

This was getting weird as shit. Not that i wasn’t weird as shit before, it’s just getting even weirder and shittier.

“I guess—?”

“This means you’ll be more cautious in terms of relationships. I know it might seem hard, but I’d recommend putting yourself out there. Don’t wait for anyone else— take matters into your own hands. Not everything can just drop into your lap. You’re gonna have to make an effort.”

“Okay?”

Thankfully, their strange ass little meeting was interrupted by the sound of Mr. Potter, shouting for everyone to find their seats. Remus felt he couldn’t get away fast enough— snatching his hand quite rudely form Trelawney’s clutches, and booking it across the room. Remus was so relieved to see Sirius, he could’ve collapsed at the boy’s feet.

Sirius smiled softly in confusion as Remus grabbed onto his shoulders, dropping his head to lean on him as he took some deep breaths, shaking his head like some type of war victim.

Sirius snorted. “Damn— what the hell happened to you?”

Remus kept shaking his head, not looking up to meet Sirius’s eyes.

“I fucking hate old people.”

As Remus ate, surrounded by his friends and the chatter from the rest of his table, he began to grow a bit worried. Remus knew Sirius’s was an attention whore, but Remus couldn’t imagine making a huge scene in front of all of these people. He was gonna have a fucking heart attack. What if the Potter’s never invite him back? What if James doesn’t fall for it, and they just look like idiots?!

Remus was thinking so hard he could barely eat— his nearly full plate drawing the attention of all of his friends.

“You good, man?” James asked, putting a concerned hand to Remus’s shoulder, his eyebrows furrowed behind his glasses. Remus nodded, taking a large bite of his turkey as if to prove himself, which only seemed to draw James’s suspicion even more.

As James returned to his conversation Peter, Sirius suddenly stood up, making direct eye contact as he stood. With a small jerk of his head, Remus got the hint, waiting until Sirius had retreated from the room to follow him out.

As soon as he stepped into the Potter’s kitchen, Sirius approached, a similar furrow also in his brows.

“Are you sure you’re alright? If you don’t eat your fucking food, I might actually shove those turkeys up your—“

“Alright, no need to be dramatic.” Remus interrupted with an eye roll and a silencing hand, causing Sirius to huff, “I’m literally fine.”

“Yeah sure,” Sirius crossed his arms, rolling his eyes, “You look it.”

“Bro, I’m fine. I just don’t want to make some big ass scene in front of all of those people.”

“The people don’t care, Moons,” Sirius rolled his eyes once again, gesturing towards the closed door of the dinning room, “Haven’t you ever heard of ‘Dinner and a Show?’”

“Yeah, but I don’t want the Potter’s to get mad at me.”

“Oh my goddd,” Sirius groaned, “They won’t! Don’t you want to get Lily and James together? Does Operation Jily mean nothing to you?”

“Jesus, you’re dramatic.” Remus put his fingers to the bridge of his nose, “I never said I wasn’t gonna do it— I just said I’m scared!”

“Well don’t be! We’re just acting!”

“I’ve told you, I can’t act!” Remus exclaimed, unable to help the rising volume of his voice. “How many fucking times have I told you this?!”

“Once?!” Sirius shouted as well, grimacing at Remus.

“Well, obviously once wasn’t enough to get it through your fat head!”

“Yeah obviously not! I thought you wanted to help!”

“I do want to help— this was my fucking idea in the first place!”

“No the fuck it wasn’t—!”

“I was the one who wanted to get them together,” Remus ignored Sirius’s protests, “You weren’t there!”

“I literally came up with the whole plan!”

“Holy fucking shit— that doesn’t matter!” They were in a full on shouting match at this point. If the whole house couldn’t hear their argument, Remus would be shocked. He’d be more embarrassed if he wasn’t so worked up. “None of that matters! I don’t give a fuck who came up with the plan! What I’m saying is that you,” Remus poked Sirius in the chest, “Were the one who refused to plan literally anything! I tried to get us to make a script— help myself become slightly more prepared— but you wouldn’t do it! Literally all I’ve said is that I’m worried, and not ready!”

“God, it’s not that hard!” Sirius groaned, “You seem to be doing just fine right now!”

“Holy fucking shit—“

“Just get out there and fucking fight with me!”

“I don’t want to!”

Sirius waved his hand at Remus. “You clearly do!”

“Oh my fucking goddd.” Remus groaned, covering his face with his hand.

“You know what— fuck you, Remus!”

“Oh wowww, switching to real names now?”

“Yeah!” Sirius scowled, “I am! Fuck you!”

“Well, fuck you too, Sirius!”

“Fuck you!”

“No, fuck you!”

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself!”

“I’m sure you’d like that, wouldn’t you?!”

Sirius suddenly went quiet, his mouth snapping shut, and his eyes narrowing.

“What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“What— are you deaf now, too?” Remus said, rolling his eyes.

“Say it again.”

“I don’t even know why that’s working you up. Chill the hell out—“

“Say it again, Remus.”

“Why?! What the hell’s your problem—?”

“Just get out, Remus.”

“Wow— real mature—“

“Get the hell out of my house.”

“Fine!” Remus threw his hands up, “I’ll get out of your fucking house!”

“Good!”

“Yeah!”

“Maybe get out faster!” Sirius shouted.

“Maybe I will!”

“Good!”

Remus shouldered Sirius as he walked passed him towards the front door.

“Fuck you, Sirius.” Remus said once more as he left, far quieter than the last times.

Sirius just narrowed his eyes again, letting out a small, almost unintelligible sigh.

“Whatever.”