Would You Rather

“Loopssss,” Frank Longbottom jogged over to Remus mid practice with a smile, slinging an arm over Remus’s shoulder, and leaning literally all of his body weight onto him, “I’ve got an idea!”

Remus groaned. “Oh god.”

“No, don’t worry— you’re gonna like this one!”

“Will I?”

“Yeah, just hear me out,” Frank cleared his throat, hitting his chest with his free hand for added effect.

“Shirtless car wash.”

Remus blinked at Frank, unsure of exactly what to say. He had so many objections, and not enough words to voice them all. To keep things simple, he managed to narrow it down to one sentence:

“Fuck no.”

“Aww, come on— you’re not hearing me!”

“Nah, I’m hearing you loud and clear— I just think that sounds so unbelievably stupid, it makes me want to actually kill myself.”

Frank made a “pft” sound with his mouth and waved Remus off.

“Yeah, yeah— but you say that about everything! At least this time you didn’t describe your suicide in depth— that means you like the idea, right?”

“Uh, no. Nice try.”

Out of the corner of Remus’s eye, he noticed Gideon and Kingsley jogging over as well. God, he hated them all. They were ganging up on him— this wasn’t fair!

“Any luck, Longbottom?” Gideon asked with a grin, looking between Remus and Frank expectantly.

Really, you’d think after three years, they’d have figured out a nickname for Frank— like, “Longbottom?” C’mon— that’s just low hanging fruit. The jokes should’ve came easily, but unfortunately, none of them could think of a single thing. Gideon tried to get “Bottom” to catch on, but that didn’t really work out.

And just in case anyone asks, “Long” didn’t work either. That just sounded fucking stupid.

“Yeah,” Frank nodded, answering Gideons previous question as he hit Remus’s chest. Really, Remus was gonna have to get fucking heart surgery if they kept this shit up. Shoulder surgery as well. And maybe back, too. “I think he’s warming up to it!”

“Nope, not at all. Still very cold.”

“If I give you my jacket, will that make it warmer?”

Frank “pfted” again. “Fucking homo— he doesn’t want your gayass jacket!”

“It was just an offer, dickhead!” Kingsley shoved Frank, simultaneously shoving Remus along with him. Remus slid out from Frank’s arm— finally liberating his poor shoulders.

“How’s that make me the dickhead? You’re the one who offered the jacket!”

“Aww, I’ll take your jacket, King!” Gideon interfered in a high pitched “girl voice”; his hands clasped together, and his eyelashes fluttering as he leaned into Kingsley’s shoulder. Kingsley shoved Gideon by the head, making him stumble away as the rest of the group laughed.

“Yeah, I bet you fucking want it, Ginger.”

“Really— ‘ginger?’” Gideon egged him on with a smirk as he regained his balance and attempted to fix his hair, “Is that the best you got?”

Remus rolled his eyes as Gideon and Kingsley ran off, screaming profanities, and leaving Remus and Frank alone once again— the sound of fighting voices slowly becoming nothing but background noise.

Remus tried to avoid making eye contact with Frank, but unfortunately, it was inevitable.

…

“So, as I was saying— shirtless car wash?”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Go fuck yourself, Bottom.”

•••

“No, really— I think he’s turning into a nun.” Peter said, licking the grease off of his fingers. Remus rolled his eyes as he took a sip of his milkshake— chocolate, of course.

“Can men even be nuns?”

Peter shrugged. “If anyone could do it, it’d be Sirius.”

“Yeah, you’re not wrong. But nah, he’s not nunifying himself— trust.”

Remus and Peter had been going out to eat more often. Before, they’d have to risk asking James for a ride, and deal with the constant “fatty” jokes he’d make. But now, since Remus had a car of his own, Peter and Remus could be fatasses in peace. It was amazing.

“Ehh, I’m not sure. I’m mean, he literally hasn’t had a girlfriend in, like— four months. That’s gotta be a record.”

“Wait, who was his last girlfriend?”

“Uhh,” Peter looked up mid bite, chewing his burger as he thought. With his mouth full, he answered, “I think Alice.”

Remus furrowed his brows. “Frank’s girlfriend?”

“Oh shit— Frank’s dating her now?”

“I think so?” Remus shrugged, dipping his fry into his milkshake and ignoring Peter’s judgment at the action. “That’s just what I’ve heard— I’ve lowkey never spoken to Alice.”

“How?” Peter snorted, “Sirius dated her!”

“Yeah, but he literally never brought her anywhere— I’m pretty sure they just hooked up in his car a few times and called it a relationship.”

Peter nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, sounds about right. But still, back to his nunification—“

Remus groaned loudly, and Peter waved his hands to keep him on topic.

“No, no— listen! I think I’ve actually figured it out!”

“What— his nunification?”

“Yeah!” Peter smiled, shoving his face with another bite-full of burger. Remus grimaced, but motioned for him to continue.

“He’s gotta like someone. There’s no way he’s gone celibate just for funsies— I bet in just a couple of days, he’s gonna stroll up to James’s car with a massive smirk on his face, talking about some random girl he somehow managed to pull.”

“Ughhh,” Remus groaned again, dropped his head to his hands, “God no— that sounds like torture.”

“Yeah, but I’m right, right?!”

Remus had to restrain the urge to roll his eyes. Unfortunately, Peter was right— Remus just didn’t want to admit it. He hated when Peter acted like some kind of girlfriend-whisperer— having one (maybe) girlfriend didn’t make him a fucking expert!

Okay, speaking of which, Remus really needed to figure that shit out. He knew it would be so easy to just ask, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t do it— he absolutely refused.

Eventually Remus sighed, looking back up at Peter through his fingers.

“Alright, if I tell you something, promise not to tell anyone, okay?”

Peter sat up straighter in his seat, instantly at Remus’s attention. Peter loved gossip— he was a fucking gossip freak. People always thought Sirius and James were the rumor spreaders, but in reality, it had always been Pete. He was just so unassuming, no one expected it. Fucking evil genius.

Peter nodded for Remus to continue.

“Okay— Sirius likes Marlene.”

Peter gasped, bringing his hand up to his mouth. “Marlene?! Why?!”

“How the fuck should I know?!”

“Wait, why’d he tell you? Usually Sirius is all secretive about his crushes or whatever until he’s dating them!”

“Yeah, I know— I lowkey just figured it out. I kinda forced him to tell me.” Remus said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

Peter gasped again, leaning into the table to get closer to Remus. “Oh my god, tell me everything. How did I not know about this?!”

Jesus, he was such a gossiper. Remus rolled his eyes, but recounted the entire story to Peter. Peter seemed to be absorbing every last word, completely enthralled with Remus’s story. When Remus was finally finished summarizing their little visit to the church, Peter slumped back in his seat, taking an aggressive slurp of his milkshake.

“Well, we should get them together!”

“Ughhh,” Remus groaned, “Hell no! If we’re gonna get anyone together, it should be James and Lily. There’s no point in fucking around with Sirius’s love life— It’s too much work.”

“But he seems shyer about this one! We gotta help him out!”

“The fuck do you mean ‘shyer?’” Remus quirked a brow, “He never tells anyone about his crushes— you literally were just talking about that.”

“Well, no— he never tells us,” Peter stated simply, balling up his paper napkin and plopping it into his tray. Remus mimicked the action, cleaning up his area as Peter spoke. “But he always tells James, and everyone knows James is absolute shit at keeping secrets.”

“Yeah, I guess—“

“And as soon as James knows about a crush, he talks about it non stop. Don’t you remember when Sirius liked Rosalie? James literally would never shut the fuck up about her— it got so bad we had to write a ‘banned words list’ on that little whiteboard in James’s room— you remember that, right?”

Remus snorted at the memory. How could he not— he had been the one who had created the list. It pretty much included the name of every single one of Sirius’s ex girlfriends, along with the word “thundercunt.” Remus couldn’t exactly remember the context behind that one, but he knew it had been annoying enough for him to put his foot down. James has never erased the whiteboard, so it’s still sitting in his room, tediously leaned against his TV for all to see.

“Your right, your right.” Remus nodded, “So what— you think there’s just something different about Marlene?”

“I have no clue,” Peter shrugged, “But I think if we just got James on board, we could easily come up with a plan to get those two together.”

“I mean, I guess we could…” Remus trailed off, causing Peter to quirk a brow.

“But?”

“But, I don’t want to. Could we just get James and Lily together— please?”

Peter groaned, sinking back into his chair in an almost amusing imitation of Remus. Emphasis on almost.

“C’monnnn, Remus!”

“Peter, just listen— imagine how much less insufferable James would be if he got with Lily. My life would literally become a billion times better.”

“Why are you so against Sirius getting with Marlene?”

“I’m not!” Remus snapped, maybe a bit too defensively, “I’d just rather focus on James and Lily— I feel like they’re more important at the moment. If we can get them together, and Sirius is still stuck on Marlene, then we’ll move on to them, okay?”

Peter narrowed his eyes. “Is that a deal?”

“Yes, Pete,” Remus rolled his own eyes, holding out his hand to shake Peter’s, “It’s a deal.”

Peter smirked as he shook Remus’s hand; using his other to snag one of Remus’s leftover fries. Remus wasn’t in the mood to complain so he just sighed.

“Well, alright then. Operation, ‘Get James and Lily together’ is a go!”

“Yeah, no,” Remus shook his head instantly, “We’re so not calling it that.”

•••

“Ooh, we could get a little shopping cart for Peter!”

“Hey, fuck you!”

“Alright, dumbasses,” Remus rolled his eyes at his idiotic friends, trying to stand as far away from them as physically possible, “Inside voices.”

“Whatever you say, Moons!” Sirius whispered as he saluted, just causing Remus to roll his eyes once again.

They were currently at Trader Joe’s for absolutely no reason. Well, actually— there was a reason: Remus really liked Trader Joe’s. When he was younger, his literal dream job was to be one of the Trader Joe’s sign artists. Clearly, his dreams weren’t very big, but they were dreams nonetheless.

Despite Peter’s adamant objections, Sirius grabbed one of the children’s carts, and began wheeling it over to James with far too much excitement for a literal eighteen year old. James, of course, matched him with ease.

“Wait, idea,” James announced, mostly just to Sirius, but loud enough for pretty much the whole store to hear, “I get in the cart, you push me down the isle, and see if you can pop a wheelie!”

“Oh, hell no—“

“Yes!” Sirius interrupted Remus with a grin, beginning to corral James into the cart, “You’re a fucking genius!”

“No! No he isn’t—!”

“Wait, Prongs, do you hear something?” Sirius said with a sudden start, putting one hand to his ear. James caught onto the bit immediately.

“Yeah, I think so! It’s like, a little ant?! A talking ant!”

“An ant?!” Sirius gasped mockingly, “What’s it saying?!”

“Hold up, let me listen!”

They both went quiet— Sirius watching intently as James pretended to listen to the fake ant. Eventually, James nodded, apparently having heard what he’d been listening for.

“I think it said, ‘hell no,’ and ‘no he isn’t,’ but I could be wrong.”

“Alright, fuck you, bitch,” Remus scowled at the annoying pair as they laughed their asses off at their own joke, along with Pete— the fucking traitor. “I’m leaving.”

“Hey, could you at least grab me some of the healthy Talkis while you’re over there?!” Sirius called after him as he laughed, but Remus just flipped him off over his shoulder, causing his friends all to snicker.

Remus ignored them as the stormed off, not really sure of exactly why he was mad, but certainly angry as fuck. There were just some days that Remus’s friends pissed him the fuck off, and this just so happened to be one of those days. If he didn’t get away from them fast, he’d either end up punching one of them, or attacking them verbally. Most likely the second— Remus was too lazy to punch anyone.

Against his better judgment, Remus ended up in the chip aisle, begrudgingly snatching a bag of healthy Talkis from the rack with far more force than necessary. As soon as Remus turned back around to continue wandering, Peter ran up to him, comically out of breath. He was literally wheezing with his hands on his knees, holding up one finger to allow himself a second to rest. It took all of Remus’s strength to not burst out laughing.

“You good, Pete?”

“Fuck you, but yes,” Peter wheezed, “I have something to tell you. It’s important.”

Remus quirked a brow. “Really? About what?”

“About Operation ‘Jily!’”

“No no no,” Remus shook his head adamantly, “I thought we agreed that their ship name was ‘Lames!’”

“But Lames is so lame!” Peter whined, finding enough energy to stamp his foot defiantly.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s the whole fucking point!”

“Okay, fine,” Peter corrected himself with a sigh, “I had an idea about operation Lames. Well, actually, Sirius had an idea, but never mind that—“

“Wait, Sirius—?”

Remus never got to finish his sentence, because at that moment, Sirius appeared— running down the aisle in almost the exact fashion Peter had, distracting Remus from his words and making him snort. Strangely enough, Sirius was suspiciously James-less. Remus immediately began his interrogation.

“Where’s James?”

“Oh, he’s fine,” Sirius waved dismissively, catching his breath.

“I don’t give a fuck about whether or not he’s fine, that’s not what I asked—“

“— He got distracted in the candy aisle, so I bolted. You’re talking about Operation Jily, right?”

Remus groaned at the same time Peter let out a whoop.

“Ha— I told you Jily was better!”

“Alright,“ Remus scowled, “Fuck you guys.”

“Wait, why am I being fucked?” Sirius asked, before wiggling his eyebrows. “Is it a threat, or a promise?”

“Threat.” Remus said dryly, “100% threat.”

“Okay, stop getting distracted,” Peter cut their conversation off before it could become a fight, “Let Sirius explain the plan.”

Sirius quirked a brow. “Wait, what plan?”

“Operation Ji—“

“—Lames.” Remus interrupted, “Operation Lames.”

Sirius let out a sudden barking laugh, widening his eyes at Remus.

“Lames?! That’s fucking terrible!”

“Did you know I hate you?”

“Nah, you love me. See, you even got me my Talkis! Would you do that for someone you hated?”

Remus didn’t entertain him with a response— he just scowled. Sirius scoffed, but took his silence as a chance to continue.

“Okay, I’ll explain, but we have to do it in private. C’mon, follow me to my office.”

Sirius’s office, as he called it, ended up being the family bathroom at the back of the store. They got the nastiest glare from a mom and her baby son as they entered, but obviously, Sirius didn’t give a fuck.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” Sirius said, leaning against the sink and accidentally setting off the hand dryer. Peter jumped nearly a foot in the air, making Sirius and Remus snicker. “We gotta create some forced proximity.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Well, no shit, idiot—“

“No, no— hear me out. Here’s what we do: Me and Remus will pretend to get into a big fight, and Peter will pretend to be concerned. He’ll get James and Lily together and say that they need a plan to make us make up— right? So then, they’ll probably argue and shit, and Lily will say stuff like ‘Why me?’ and ‘This isn’t my problem,’ but Peter will be super convincing, and make her believe she’s our only hope of becoming friends again. Once Lily’s in, Peter will host little meetings for them to make plans, but he’ll conveniently have to miss every meeting, and James and Lily will be forced to figure it out on their own. Then, James will be his usual incredible, funny, amazing, handsome self, and Lily will fall head over heels in love, and they’ll live happily ever after! The end!”

Remus and Peter both blinked, shocked into silence.

“So,” Remus said awkwardly, “I’ve got a couple of questions.”

“Shoot.”

“How are we gonna pretend to fight?”

“Easy— we yell at each other, make some dramatic exit, and then pretend to ignore each other for like a week. You know how Thanksgiving is next Thursday?”

“Uh, yeah?” Remus quirked a brow, confused on how that was relevant.

“I was thinking that during Thanksgiving, we could just script some big fight, and have one of those cliche ass Thanksgiving dinner arguments, and then storm out all dramatically! I’m a great actor— trust.”

“But I don’t want to ruin Thanksgiving,” Remus whined, “That’s like the best holiday of the year!”

Peter snorted. “Fatass.”

“Says you—!”

“First of all, Halloween is the best holiday,” Sirius interjected dramatically, making Remus roll his eyes before he continued, “And second, we’ll just wait to have our fight until we’re done eating. You know how we usually all sit at the table when we’re done, and talk about the things we’re thankful for? We’ll have Remus say something stupid, like about how he’s thankful for his new friends, and I’ll pretend to get pissed off, and start saying shit like, ‘what, are we not good enough for you?!’, and since we literally just had that argument like a week ago, it’ll be believable!”

Peter quirked a brow. “Why are you so good at scheming?”

“It’s my greatest talent, Worms.” Sirius grinned, before turning to look at Remus.

“So, Moons— are you in?”

Remus thought about it for a second, going over all of the potential, catastrophic ways this plan could go terribly wrong.

After a while, Remus sighed, looking up to met Sirius’s eyes, which were quite literally sparkling with mischief.

God, this was a terrible idea.

…

“I’m in.”

•••

“Okay, opinions on this:” Sirius cleared his throat, bringing one hand to his heart, and using the other to hold up his paper.

“A Gold fish I want, it’s in the pet store,
Just walks away, so close to my clutches,
I’d buy it right now, but Moony’s a bore.
One wrong move, and he’ll end up in crutches—“

“Hey!” Remus exclaimed, scowling in utter shock, “You can’t threaten to break my legs in your fucking sonnet, you bitch!”

“Patience, Moons,” Sirius smirked, “Sonnets are supposed to have twists at the end! This is just the build up to the big climax— don’t worry!”

Remus scowled. “Does the climax include me choking on a fucking goldfish or something? If it does, I’m beating the shit out of you.”

Sirius went suddenly quiet, his smile being replaced by an awkward grimace as he placed his paper back on his desk, beginning to violently erase the entire ending of his poem. Remus rolled his eyes and sighed.

He snatched Sirius’s pencil out of his hand and threw it across the room, narrowly avoiding some random girl a few tables over.

“You still gotta listen to my poem, idiot,” Remus said once he had Sirius attention, making the boy place his head in his hands and smile contently at his friend.

“Well, go on then! Let’s hear it, Shakespeare.”

Remus had to contain his laughter as he prepared to speak, wiping all expression from his face as he stared at his shitty ass poem.

“Shall I compare thee to a chocolate cake?
Thou art more frosted and more delicious—“

“Alright, wrap it up, you fucking thief.” Sirius rolled his eyes, “You can’t just plagiarize Sonnet 18!”

“Yes the fuck I can— I changed the words!”

“You changed four words, Moons! Four!”

“Yeah, and those four words make it my sonnet— not Shakespeare’s!”

“I spent so much time on mine!” Sirius groaned, “It had subliminal messages and everything, and yours is just a knock off Shakespeare! Why’d you let me actually try if you were just gonna fuck off? I could’ve been on Tik Tok this whole time!”

Remus narrowed his eyes at Sirius. “‘Subliminal messages?’ What subliminal messages?”

“The shit about the goldfish,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “Duh.”

“No, not duh. What are you talking about?”

Sirius rolled his eyes once again, this time using his entire body to show his annoyance. “I want a fucking goldfish!”

“Oh, hell no.” Remus immediately began shaking his head, making Sirius groan. “You’d literally kill it in, like, a day.”

“No I literally wouldn’t,” Sirius attempted to defended himself, sagging his shoulders as he pouted, “You have a goldfish, and that little bitch is still alive! If you could do you, so could I!”

“First of all, don’t call Carla a bitch,” Remus uselessly defended his fish, making Sirius snort, “And second— I’m more responsible! You’d forget about the poor fish in a week, and it’d die— sad and alone in its little bowl.”

Sirius gasped, offended. “I would never! I would protect Moony Jr. with my life!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You can’t name everything you own, ‘Moony Jr.,’ idiot. Get creative.”

Sirius scowled. “Says the guy who couldn’t even write his own sonnet—“

“Hey! I did write my sonnet— I just took a little bit of inspiration from Shakespeare!”

“Little bit of inspiration my ass— I fucking hate you.”

“Hey, that’s my line! You’re taking my line!”

“Yeah, just like you took Shakespeare’s poem!”

“I didn’t take Shakespeare’s poem, I took inspiration from it! Don’t take my fucking line, bitch!” Remus and Sirius were both full on yelling in the classroom by that point, but neither of them cared. Other people’s education was irrelevant.

“We’re switching lines.” Sirius said, unable to hide his smirk as he began drawing little stars on his paper with a mysteriously gained pencil, “Now you have to say mine to make it fair.”

Remus squinted at Sirius in disbelief.

“Are you trying to bait me into saying ‘I love you?’”

“That depends,” Sirius shrugged, “Is it working?”

Remus shook his head very sincerely, making Sirius pout once again.

“Nope. Not at all.”

“Okay, fine— if you won’t say I love you, will you at least let me buy a goldfish?”

Remus let out a long sigh, resting his head in one hand to think.

“Listen— how about we start with a plant, and we’ll build up from there.” Remus said, watching as Sirius’s face brightened like a child on Christmas morning.

Sirius then shifted his expression into a solum look, in an impressive impression of a business man about to seal a deal. “I’ll agree to these conditions, as long as you let me name it Moony III without any judgment.”

Remus took a deep breath, having to momentarily shut his eyes to contain any snappy comments. It would be difficult, but in honor of goldfish’s safety around the world, he’d do it.

“Alright, fine— deal.”

Sirius whooped far too loudly, making a few people in class snap their heads over to look at them, but the main threat (Mcgonagall) was luckily grabbing something from the printers.

Remus rolled his eyes at his idiotic friend.

“I literally hate you.”

Sirius smirked, and Remus knew what he was going to say long before he said it.

“Aww, Moons—don’t worry, I still love you.”

•••

If you jumped out of a car going seventy-five miles on the highway, would you die?

…

This wasn’t a rhetorical question; Remus genuinely needed to know the answer in the next—

He looked over the passenger seat, getting a look at James’s phone, which showed that they were twenty minutes from their destination.

Okay then— Twenty minutes. Remus needed an answer in the next twenty minutes, or he’d end up conducting a very risky experiment.

And no, he couldn’t just ask Safari— it kept sending him to suicide hotlines.

…

For anyone saying he was just being dramatic— trust Remus when he says that death would be inevitable, whether or not he jumps out of the car. Why, you may ask? Oh, he’ll fucking tell you why.

They were going abandoned building hunting.

Okay, sure— Remus had indeed done this before, but in his opinion, that was exactly why he felt he had every right to express his feelings!

Abandoned building hunting was the stupidest, dumbest, and most idiotic thing one could possibly do. Infact, he even made a list in his notes app to explain all of the reasons why he felt this way!

Number one— it was creepy. Crawling around in dark, sketchy ass places with nothing but an iPhone camera to light the way wasn’t exactly Remus’s idea of “fun.”

Number two— there could be murderers. James always said that this reason was stupid, but he was dead wrong. When that idiot somehow ends up getting fucking shanked by a random homeless man, Remus sure as hell wasn’t gonna be the one to haul his dead body back home.

And finally, number three— it was just all around a stupid idea. Like, genuinely— the nasty, dusty air you’re forced to inhale? The very high potential of the fucking ceiling caving in on you? The rusty ass door handles, and weird, old, diseased items Sirius would throw at people? Does any of this sound fun to you?! Once again, this wasn’t a fucking rhetorical question! Remus needed to know the answer!

…

Okay, deep breaths. He knew he was getting way too worked up this, but he couldn’t help it. He’d been trying to deflect Sirius’s oddly strong urge to explore dangerous places for literal months now, but unfortunately, they finally managed to trick him into it.

Yes, he wasn’t joking when he said that— those idiots literally tricked him into it.

It all started earlier that day, when Remus was driving home from school. By that point, he was in a far less suicidal mood, and was actually bordering on happy for once!

…

Okay, that was a bit dramatic. Remus isn’t actually suicidal, he swears. It’s just for emphasis— a hyperbole, if you will.

Anyways, Remus was in a very pleasant mood that afternoon. Practice had been canceled because of a funeral Coach Kettleburn was forced to attend, school had been easy as shit, and he had ditched his friends at lunch to go get açaí bowls with Lily, Mary, and Marlene. All in all, it really couldn’t get any better than that. He should’ve known his day was going too well.

Then, just before Remus pulled into the parking lot of his apartment complex, he received a FaceTime call from a certain annoying ass individual who went by the name of “Sirius Black.”

Remus knew he should’ve just hung up and ignored that call for many reasons— the main being that you shouldn’t use your phone while driving— but obviously, Remus wasn’t the best at decision making.

Like a complete fucking idiot, Remus answered, being met with the over excited face of Sirius. That should’ve been Remus’s first red flag— why the fuck was that idiot so happy? Suspicious ass behavior, but once again, Remus’s intuition was shit, so he ignored it.

“What do you want?” Remus grumbled dryly into his phone, turning up the volume, and throwing the device onto the passenger seat to talk to his friend.

“Why’re you ignoring my texts?”

“Because I’m driving, dumbass.” Remus rolled his eyes, “What did you need?”

“Pull up.” Sirius replied simply, “We’re doing something.”

Remus quirked a brow, despite the fact he knew Sirius couldn’t see it. “Uh, what?”

“Doesn’t matter. C’mon, chop chop,” Remus could hear the eye roll in Sirius’s words, which made him snort, “We’re burning daylight, here!”

“Calm your tits, asshole,” Remus rolled his eyes once again, taking a u-turn, and moving back out of the parking lot. “I’m turning around right now.”

“You better be. Be here in twenty minutes— DON’T come in a second earlier.”

Remus sighed, and rubbed one hand over his face. “What time would exactly twenty minutes from now be?”

“Uhh,” Sirius took a second, most likely checking the time on his phone, “Three forty-seven.”

“Alright, bet— I’m hanging up on you now.”

“Wait, no— Moons—!”

But Remus didn’t let him finish. He pressed the leave button in the corner, before throwing his phone back on the seat with a sigh.

Alright, second red flag— why was Remus not allowed to go into the house a second before three forty-seven?! Like genuinely, why didn’t he question that earlier?!

God, he could be a real fucking idiot some times.

Anyways, one short drive, and an awkward conversation with Mr. Moody (the gate security guard) later, Remus was sitting in the Potters’ driveway, waiting for his appointed time to arrive.

When the time finally came, Remus just went in through the garage as he always did. The code was literally James’s birthday— not very secure, but it made things easier for Remus. The first thing Remus noticed upon entering was the fact that the house was dead silent.

Third red flag.

“Guys?” Remus yelled through the empty halls, trudging up the stairs and swiveling his head back and forth as he went. It was strange for Remus’s friends to be so quiet, and even stranger that they didn’t run to greet him.

When Remus finally made it to James’s door, he was able to hear very hushed whispers from within the room.

Fourth red flag.

Remus didn’t bother with knocking, he just bursted in— being met with three shocked faces, and a chocolate cake in a plastic container.

Like, what the fuck? Why the hell was there a cake in James’s room? Why didn’t Remus think this was weirder?

Unfortunately, Remus must’ve lost his fucking brain sometime that day, because he immediately took the bait; running towards the cake on James’s bed, and ignoring the way all of his friends seemed to light up at his acceptance of the bribe.

Sirius was the first to snap into action, running over to meet Remus at the bed, and clapping him on the back.

“Do you like it Moons? We got it just for you!”

“Really?!” Remus turned his head to gaze wide eyed at his friends, oddly touched by the gesture.

Fifth red flag. How did he not see how fucking suspicious this was?!

“Do you wanna take the cake with you for the car?” James asked, also coming over to stand next to Remus. Peter trailed close behind, an awkward smile on his face which Remus pointedly decided to ignore.

“Yeah sure— where are we going?” Remus replied distractedly, carefully picking up the cake with two hands, and holding it protectively to his chest.

“Ehh, we haven’t decided yet. C’mon,” James corralled them out of the door quickly, leading them down the massive hallway, “Let’s go get some forks and plates for the road!”

Once the silverware was acquired, Remus and his friends piled into the car, taking their assigned seats as usual: James and Sirius in the front, with Peter and Remus in the back.

Remus removed the plastic covering as James pulled out of the garage, distributing the plates out to his friends, and simply shrugging when all of them but Peter declined a piece.

Hey— more for him. That part wasn’t really a red flag, it was just Sirius and James being fucking idiots. Who the hell declines a piece of cake? What the hell was wrong with them?

For a while, the car ride was peaceful— Remus ate his cake, Peter mumbled about Melody to no one in specific, and James and Sirius bickered about what music to play on aux. It was almost relaxing— in any other situation, Remus would’ve been perfectly content. A perfect ending to a perfect day.

…

Unfortunately, that all changed when Remus caught a glance at James’s phone. He had google maps open, and was driving to a location Remus couldn’t identify.

Weird as fuck, right? Yeah, Remus thought so too. Sixth red flag.

Remus set his plate down next to the half eaten cake in the middle seat, and grabbed onto Sirius’s headrest, moving his chin to rest on the edge of the seat. Once Sirius noticed him, he placed his phone down and leaned back to smile, his eyes flickering all over Remus’s face in an almost nervous fashion. Sketchy in hindsight, but irrelevant at the time.

Remus quirked a brow at his friend, and gestured with his eyes towards the phone. Sirius’s expression faltered— his eyes going wide for a moment before he could stop them.

“Where the hell are we going?” Remus asked, his voice harsher than necessary.

Sirius grimaced awkwardly, before switching over to a smile, reaching to place James’s phone flat on its face.

“I told you— we’re just driving around!”

Remus narrowed his eyes. “Doesn’t look like it.”

“Well, maybe get your eyes checked then, asshole— we’re not going anywhere.“ Sirius shoved his discarded plate into Remus’s hand, along with his fork. “ Eat your cake.”

Remus did as he was told, but contrary to the comments Sirius made about his eyesight, Remus actually happened to have incredible vision. As soon as James picked the phone back up to see where he was going, Remus leaned slightly forward in his seat, resting his arms on his knees and squinting at the phone.

It was difficult to make out from his angle, but the location appeared to be somewhere called, “Azkaban.”

Remus furrowed his eyebrows at the unfamiliar name. Azkaban? What the hell was that?!

Luckily, Safari came to the rescue. The second Remus Azkaban’s description, he was fuming.

“YOU ASSHOLES!” Remus yelled suddenly, making James and Sirius jump in unison. Peter just looked scared, which served him fucking right.

“What’s up, Lupin—?” James attempted to ask in a nonchalant tone, but Remus wasn’t having it.

“I am NOT going into a fucking abandoned prison! What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!”

“No no no, Moons, hear me out,” Sirius tried to reason with him, but the entire situation wasn’t reasonable. There was no fucking way to reason the unreasonable! They were all fucking idiots!

Remus wasn’t gonna do it. No way. You couldn’t make him. He’d jump out of the fucking car before he went into another abandoned building.

Which is exactly how Remus ended up exactly where he was— huffing at yet another suicide hotline his phone sent him too, and considering stabbing Sirius with his plastic fork.

God this was gonna be miserable.

“If you guys were gonna torture me, couldn’t you have at least done it in broad daylight?”

“Shut up, Moony,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “You have a fucking flashlight for a reason.”

“Yeah, but you wanna know something?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, turning his head to give Remus a blank stare. “What.”

“There just so happens to be another light source called the fucking sun, which we could’ve used if you hadn’t have picked a place two fucking hours away—“

“Jesus christtt,” Sirius moaned, “I get it! I’m sorry; I’m an asshole; I won’t trick you again! Is that what you wanna hear?”

Remus shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, no— but it’ll do for now—“

“Okay, shut the fuck up, you two,” James turned around this time, walking backwards as he spoke, and nearly tripping on a stray rock. They all giggled as he flailed around, impressively managing to stay on his feet. James gave them a stern stare before continuing his lecture.

“As soon as we get into this building, you two are banned from fighting. I don’t want to hear a single word out of either of your mouths that’s a disagreement. Y’all got that?”

Sirius and Remus bother rolled their eyes in unison, and James nodded with a smile.

“See, it’s working— you’re already agreeing on something!”

Remus snickered. “I mean, it’s not hard to agree on the fact you’re a fucking dumbass.”

Sirius nodded in agreement. “Speak on it, Moons.”

“Okay, never mind, you guys aren’t allowed to agree any more.” James scowled, “No more talking.”

“But then Moony won’t be able to speak on it!” Sirius whined, making both Remus and Peter snicker.

“Don’t worry, I got you, Pads,” Remus replied with a smirk, “We can just whisper behind James’s back about it.”

“Oh you’re such a little shit,” James narrowed his eyes, curling his top lip as he spoke in an almost perfect impression of his mother, “You know damn well whispering behind my back is my pet peeve!”

Peter snorted. “Weird ass pet peeve.”

“Speak on it, Worms—“

“SHUT UP! IM BANNING THE WORD ‘SPEAK ON IT!’”

“‘Speak on it’ is a phrase, not a word—“

“LUPIN, IM WARNING YOU—“

“Why would you ban speaking on it? What if I really need to spoke?” Peter asked.

“You wouldn’t need to spoke, you’d need to speak, dumbass.” Sirius rolled his eyes, and Peter smirked.

“But wait, I have something really important to spoke to you guys.”

Sirius gasped mockingly. “Ooh, tell me Wormy!”

“Yeah, and make sure to come closer so you can whisper it behind James’s back—“

“OH MY FUCKING GOD—“

Surprisingly, they all managed to make it into Azkaban without James murdering anyone— an impressive feat, if you ask Remus.

They had to break in through a broken window, which did absolutely nothing to improve Remus’s opinions on the activity, but he decided not to complain about it for once.

As Remus dropped down onto the floor, he heard glass crunch from beneath his feet, making him wince.

“God damn, fatass— you’re breaking the floor.”

“Alright, fuck you, Peter— I know damn well you’re not talking—!”

“Guys! Focus!” James scolded, leading them through a door which had been knocked off its hinges. Sirius was already out in the hallway, spastically moving his flashlight around, and looking at all of the barren walls.

“Bro, we should’ve brought spray paint— these are, like, perfect graffiti walls.”

“We’re not gonna vandalize, idiot— I’m not in the mood to get fucking arrested.”

Sirius turned around, nearly blinding Remus with his flashlight as he rolled his eyes. “Do you see any cops around, stupid? Why the hell would anyone be in an abandoned building?”

“Huh, great question!” Remus pretended to think for a second, making Sirius roll his eyes once again, “It’s almost like that’s the same fuck question i’ve been asking FOR THE LAST FUCKING HOUR—“

“Alright, alright— we get it, buddy.”

Remus gasped, offended.

“Don’t buddy me, asshole—“

“Oh, I’ll buddy you whenever the fuck I want—!”

“Stoppp,” James moaned, digging his palms into the eye sockets as if he was trying to make his friend vanish with his brain, “Please, just stop. No more.”

“How’d you even find out about this place, James?” Peter asked, completely switching the subject as he ran his finger along a dusty metal bar. Gross, by the way. Really fucking gross.

“Oh, uh,” James thought for a second, successfully distracted, “I think I just looked up ‘abandoned places in my area,’ and it was the first to come up”

“Wow, real creative.”

Sirius scoffed. “Literally what else would he have looked up, Einstein?”

“How the fuck should I know?” Remus scowled at his idiotic friend, “I’m not the dumbass who wanted to go exploring old, haunted buildings—!”

“They’re not haunted— they’re abandoned.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“And the difference is?”

“One has ghosts, and the other doesn’t.” Sirius stated, matter of factly.

“Wow, thanks— that really cleared things up.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome. Glad I could help, babe.”

“Oh, we’re not starting this—“

“Don’t worry, Honey,” James interrupted, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s shoulders and pretending to swoon, “You can call me babe anytime you want.”

Sirius gasped. “Oh, you know I would never. Babe is reserved for my side hoes— you’re obviously my main—“

“Hey!”

“Guys, guys,” Peter interrupted once again, suddenly coming around a corner and pointing down a random hallway, “There’s a basement!”

“Oh, great idea, Pete,” Remus exclaimed sarcastically, “Let’s go into the dark, spooky basement of the dark, spooky prison James found on Google! What a good ideaaAAAHHHH!”

Remus’s rant was cut short as Sirius threw a random rag at him, making Remus immediately begin to flail around and scream like a little girl. All of his friends were absolutely cackling, but Remus didn’t care— he tried his best to remove all of the dirt from his sleeve, but it wasn’t working.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU PROBABLY JUST GAVE ME AN ANCIENT PRISON STD OR SOMETHING!”

James rolled his eyes. “You look like the type of guy who’d contract an ancient prison STD.”

“Hey! What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Alright, can we go now?” Peter asked impatiently, still pointing down the hallway.

Unfortunately, James and Sirius complied, running off after Peter and leaving Remus alone in the dark, with nothing but the dirty rag and a bunch of prison cells to keep him company. He had no choice— he had to go into the basement.

Holy fuck, this was a bad idea. Remus was genuinely terrified of basements. James’s obviously wasn’t that bad, but that was because literally every wall was covered in posters and LED lights, and there was a fucking pool table in the middle. Who the hell could be afraid of a room with a pool table? Those two things were, like, complete opposites of each other. Fear and pool tables could never be mentioned in the same sentence— it just wasn’t possible.

This basement, however, was pretty much Remus’s worst nightmare. Like genuinely, everything he hated in life, all mushed into one incredibly shitty place. He was terrified. Like, so terrified he could barely move.

This was why he hated abandoned building exploring! How could anyone ever enjoy this?!

As Remus stood in the middle of the hallway frozen in place, Sirius rounded the corner once again with his bright ass flash on, making Remus move his hand up to squint against the light.

“Before you say anything,” Remus warned, “There’s no way in hell I’m going down there—“

“No, no— that’s no what I wanted to ask.”
Sirius shook his head adamantly, making Remus quirk a brow.

“Then what do you want?”

“I’m ditching those idiots,” Sirius shrugged, “I hate basements.”

Remus scoffed at Sirius’s words, but couldn’t contain the small smile which overtook his face.

“Alright, fine— you can join me up here in the pussy hallway.”

Sirius smirked. “As much as I’d like to be in a pussy hallway with you, I have another idea. Come with me!”

Having no better option, Remus hurried into step with Sirius, following him through a random twist of turns, which eventually led them to the exact center of the prison. Why the fuck Sirius knew exactly how to get there, Remus really didn’t want to know.

Remus was about two seconds from complaining when he looked over at Sirius, who was gazing up around the area in complete and utter awe. God, he was a fucking freak.

Remus joined Sirius, looking up to see a massive skylight in the ceiling. Remus scoffed, breaking Sirius out of his trance, and causing him to look over at Remus quizzically.

Remus shrugged. “Why the fuck would they put a skylight in a prison?”

“Uh, because it’s an atrium?”

Remus scrunched his face in confusion. “What the fuck is an atrium?”

“This thing. Where we are.”

“I thought atriums were only in malls?” Remus questioned, making Sirius roll his eyes. It wasn’t with any real annoyance though, there was a slight smirk on Sirius’s face as he spoke.

“Well, apparently not, because we’re fucking in one.”

Remus let out a sudden laugh, making Sirius quirk a brow at him.

“What? What’s so funny?!”

“I— I don’t even know,” Remus said between chuckles, “Your wording was just weird.”

“What did I say?!”

When Remus didn’t respond, Sirius seemed to get more agitated. He never liked being on the outside of a joke.

“Moonyyy,” Sirius whined, “Tell me what was funny!”

“Nothing, nothing— I swear! I’m just being stupid.”

Sirius huffed, but decided not to press it anymore, leaving the two boys in comfortable silence. Eventually though, Remus decided to break it, looking back up to the skylight.

“I just feel like a skylight would make escaping so much easier.”

Sirius gave Remus a look of complete disbelief, making Remus snort. “Literally how.”

“I don’t know, they could, like, crawl out or some shit— I don’t know.”

“How the fuck would they crawl out of a fucking skylight?! It’s in the sky?!”

“They could get that spy gear people use in those movies, and like, drop down on a wire.”

Sirius quirked a brow. “Like when robbers are stealing jewels and shit?”

“Yeah! Just like that!”

“But wouldn’t that be breaking in?”

“Well, they could just talk to their friends on the outside, and have them drop down on the skylight and pick them up.”

Sirius just stared at Remus after saying this, staying in complete silence for a few moments before bursting out laughing. He was genuinely laughing so hard he fell to the floor, now lying flat on his back on the dirty floor.

“What— it wasn’t that funny!” Remus tried defending himself, “Would you rather stay in prison for the rest of your life, or have one of your friends come save you with spy gear?! It obviously the better option—“

“WAIT!” Sirius interrupted Remus suddenly, sitting up straight and staring at him with wide eyes, “HOLY SHIT!”

“What?! What happened?!”

“You just asked me a fucking Would You Rather question! Oh my fucking god— I’ve done it!” Sirius let out a loud whoop, making Remus jump, “I got you to tell me a Would You Rather question!”

“Woah, wait— no you didn’t! I was just trying to prove a point—!”

“JAMES, PETER!” Sirius yelled, suddenly on his feet and running back towards the basement, “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED!”

“No! You’re lying!” Remus yelled as well, running after Sirius, “HES LYING GUYS DON’T LISTEN—!”

“WE DID IT, BOYS— MOONY ASKED A WOULD YOU RATHER QUESTION!”

“NO I FUCKING DIDN’T!”

Sirius genuinely didn’t let that go for the rest of the day. In fact, he didn’t let it go the next day either. Or the next. Anyone he’d talk to, he’d recount the intense story of Remus Lupin actually asking him his first Would You Rather question. It might’ve been the dumbest fucking thing Sirius had ever done.

God, that kid was such a fucking idiot.

And just for the record, that wasn’t a Would You Rather question. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Remus would never stoop so low.