Would You Rather

Davey Gudgeon— Hogwarts’s Varisity starting point guard. He was a Junior who made Varsity in his Sophomore year, much like Remus, and was an incredible player on the court.

…

Okay, all that aside— Davey Gudgeon.

How does one even begin to describe Davey Gudgeon? Like, on a personal level.

Well, truthfully, it wasn’t all that difficult— Davey Gudgeon was a pretty average guy.

First of all, he was one of those people who you felt always needed to be addressed by their first and last name.

He wasn’t just “Davey,” that’d be fucking stupid— he was Davey Gudgeon. If you walked up to one of Remus’s teammates and asked if they knew a Davey, they’d scoff and tell you they had no fucking clue who that was.

Was it stupid? Maybe, but Remus couldn’t even judge— one time Peter mentioned that he saw Davey at a Walmart, and Remus genuinely thought Peter was talking about his dad’s coworkers named Dave. Peter looked at him like a fucking idiot, but it wasn’t Remus’s fault!

Okay, sure, Remus had known Davey Gudgeon for around a year at that point, and he definitely should’ve known who he was based on first name alone, but that just wasn’t how it worked! Davey Gudgeon was, and always would be, Davey fucking Gudgeon— NOT Davey!! And in all actuality, why the hell would anyone want to name their kid “Davey” anyways— just go with Dave!

Remus actually didn’t mind Davey Gudgeon— he was a pretty quiet guy, and never really bothered Remus.

…

Well, usually he didn’t bother Remus, but that day, he was apparently turning over a new leaf. It was probably all Lockhart’s fault. Somehow.

Why? Who knows— that was just usually a reasonable conclusion to jump to.

…

Alright, Remus was definitely just being dramatic about the entire situation, but it was just— weird. All practice, Davey Gudgeon had been glued to Remus’s side, never leaving him alone long enough to even get a fucking drink. Hence forth why they were together at the side of the gym— getting water, and doing it together for reasons Remus couldn’t even begin to conceptualize.

He’d literally never spoken to the guy one on one in his entire life. This was so fucking weird.

Remus took a big gulp of red gatorade, watching as Davey matched his action, grabbing his own bottle from where it sat directly next to Remus’s.

…

Okay, what the fuck did he want?

Maybe Remus was just being paranoid. To the average person, someone on your team hanging around you 24/7, placing their shit next to yours, doing everything you did, and going every where you went was normal, right? Right?

Ugh— he didn’t fucking know.

Remus knew he could’ve just asked Davey what he wanted, but that required a lot of unnecessary confrontation, and Remus was absolutely not in the mood for all that.

And once again, there was a very high possibility Remus was just going insane. He was probably just amplifying everything in his brain, and making Davey Gudgeon’s completely normal actions seem strange.

Why? Who knows. Who fucking knows.

…

Remus was losing it.

Finally, after what felt like hours of uncomfortable eye contact, Davey cleared his throat, catching Remus’s attention.

“So, uh— I have something to ask you.” Davey scratched the back of his head as he spoke, avoiding eye contact the entire time. Remus quirked a brow.

“What’s up?”

“Uh, so— you know Mary Macdonald, right?”

Remus was so confused. Where was he even going with this?

“Rightttt?”

“Well, um, I was wondering, uh— I was wondering if you could give me her snap?”

Ah— of course. Remus made a valiant attempt at holding back his eye roll, but in the end, it was futile— he even sighed all dramatically, too.

“Sorry man, I don’t have her snap. Do you want her number instead?”

Davey immediately began nodding enthusiastically, and the pair made their way to the locker rooms to get their phones under the guise of “going to the bathroom.”

Remus didn’t really care about ditching out on practice— they weren’t even really in season yet. Their season started after Thanksgiving weekend, so anything before that was technically “non mandatory.” That, of course, was an absolute lie— skipping out on non mandatory practices was pretty much an automatic bench, but once again, Remus didn’t give a fuck.

Remus had never bothered to actually use a locker— he really didn’t care if his shit got stolen, and he had no clue why any of the assholes on his team would want his Goodwill clothes or shitty shoes anyway. He snatched his duffle bag from where he left it on the bench in the center of the room, reaching in for his phone.

He had a few texts from James, one from Peter asking for homework answers, one from Fabian asking about work, and one from Sirius that just said, “you better pull up ho.”

Jesus, they were all annoying.

“Why do you want Mary’s number anyway?” Remus asked Davey. Obviously, he already knew why— Remus just felt like being an annoying piece of shit.

To make matters even better, Davey was a pretty obviously awkward person, so instead of just owning up to it, he started spewing some dumbass excuses.

“Oh, uhh— you know… homework.”

“Homework?” Remus quirked a brow, and Davey flushed. The difference between this guy on the court and him in real life was astonishing.

“Yeahhh.”

“What class do you guys have together? Aren’t you a Junior?”

“Well, yeah, but—“

“Are you in advanced classes or something?”

“Uh, no—“

“Is it an elective?”

“I— I just need it.“

“Alright, here.” Remus held out his hand abruptly for the phone, finally deciding he was done being a pest. In reality, Davey was doing him a favor— it wasn’t like Remus wanted to be doing conditioning anyway.

Once Remus handed the phone back, Davey immediately thanked him before snatching the phone and absolutely sprinting out of the locker room.

Jesus christ— what an idiot.

Thanks to that strange ass interaction, Remus finally knew how to describe Davey Gudgeon.

Davey Gudgeon was weird as hell, and lowkey, probably a freak.

He’d be sure to warn Mary later.

•••

“Put that down!” Lily slapped Remus’s hand, making him drop the strange little notebook sitting on Lily’s desk and snicker.

Lily’s room looked almost exactly as Remus expected: small, pink, and perfectly clean. Like genuinely, there wasn’t a single thing on the floors. It was extremely impressive— Remus’s room constantly looked like a bomb had gone off.

This was Remus’s first time in Lily’s room, and in all honesty, it was completely against his will. Stupid ass Slughorn decided to give them some big ass, out-of-school project to do with their lab partners, and since Remus hadn’t been in the mood to wrangle the absolute beast his room had become, they ended up at Lily’s place— his location off to avoid getting jumped by James, and a Strawberry açaí refresher in hand.

Lily had revealed on their drive over that she preferred Starbucks over Dutch Bros, which was fair, but Remus totally disagreed. Like, completely. He’d pick Dutch any day, no question.

Also, back to James, since the projects were with their lab partners, he was forced to spend time with fucking Snivillus after school. Poor guy. Sirius offered to pay for his therapy bill afterwards, but that didn’t seem to brighten their miserable friend’s mood.

Remus definitely drew the long straw in this situation. Thank god.

After chucking his bag into a corner, Remus flopped onto one of the two beds in the small room, sighing with relief immediately as he sunk into the memory foam mattress.

Remus didn’t even have to look at Lily to know she was rolling her eyes— her dramatic sighs were extremely telling.

“Alright, get off, you giraffe,” Lily grabbed Remus legs and valiantly attempted to drag him off, but fortunately, she failed miserably. “You’re getting your nasty clothes on my bed! Go lay on Petunia’s!”

Remus opened one of his closed eyes to squint up at Lily with confusion. “Who?”

Lily rolled again, putting her hands on her hips.

“Petunia, my sister— now get off!”

This time Remus listened, moving himself onto the carpeted floors and sprawling out like a star. Lily smacked a hand to her forehead.

“So, let me guess— you aren’t planning on doing any work?”

Remus shook his head, not bothering to open his eyes. Lily groaned, and Remus heard the sound of something being dropped.
He cracked open an eye, and jumped a bit at the sight of Lily now lying directly next to him.

“Well, if you don’t want to work, we’ll just gossip.”

Remus smirked over at his red headed friend. “You gave up way too easily— I thought you’d at least put up a fight. Me and Sirius spent all of English making a slideshow on why we should watch Gilmore Girls instead of doing this dumbass project.”

Lily snorted. “You’ve watched Gilmore Girls?”

“Nope, but I was willing to if it’d get me out of homework.”

“Fair enough.” Lily shrugged, making a shuffling noise on the carpet. “Also, how the hell did Sirius know I liked Gilmore Girls?”

“How the fuck should I know? Lucky guess?”

“Nah, I bet that was his way of attempting to subconsciously convince you to watch it with him.”

Remus snorted. “You’re lowkey right— he seems like the type of guy who’d watch that. Fucking man whore— probably tells all his hoes he’s seen it.”

Lily let out a sudden laugh, instantly bringing her hand to cover her mouth. Remus quirked a brow.

“You’re definitely not wrong, I just think it’s funny you admit it.” Lily giggled, her words muffled.

“Eh, I call him that all the time,” Remus shrugged, “He usually just ends up tackling me.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Boys are so fucking stupid.”

“On god.”

Lily rolled her eyes again. “You can’t talk, Remus— you’re one of those annoying boys.”

Remus gasped, putting an offended hand to his chest. “Lily! I thought I’d leveled up!”

“Nope,” Lily shook her head, attempting to contain her smile, but failing, “You still have to buy me, like, ten more pink drinks to get to get upgraded.”

“Ten!” Remus gasped, “Lils, I’m working on a gas station salary! That’s, like, the bottom of the teenage job food chain!”

“Sucks to suck.” Lily shrugged with a smirk, making Remus scoff.

“You know, with that attitude, I’m never buying you a pink drink again.”

Lily gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I totally would.”

“Fineeee,” Lily groaned, rolling her eyes, “I guess I can give you a slight upgrade. ‘Minor pain in my ass.’ Is that better?”

“Actually yeah,” Remus grinned, “I’ll take it!”

“You’re so stupid, I actually can’t.” Lily put her fingers to her temple, before perking up.

“You asshole!” Her eyes widened as she shoved Remus playfully, “You distracted me!”

“From what?!”

“The gossip! We need to gossip!”

“About what?!” Remus exclaimed, but Lily just rolled her eyes.

“How should I know! There’s no way you can convince me Sirius or James have never been involved in some random, secret drama. Go on— get talking!”

Remus grimaced. “I feel like i’m being interrogated.”

“You are! C’mon, we don’t have all day—“

“Hold on,” Remus groaned, moving his hands to rub his eyes, “I’m thinking.”
Suddenly, Remus remembered something. An evil smirk spread across his face.

“Okay, I have a question, but first, I need to jog your memory a bit.”

“My memory—?”

“First of all, at the mall, Mary slightly exposed that you had some type of secret you were hiding involving James, right?”

“Oh my goddd—“

“And then, during Homecoming pictures, I expertly Sherlock Holmes’d the fact you very obviously like James—“

“REMUS!” Lily yelped, turning an amusing shade of red, and began smacking Remus’s arm. “LIAR! LIES—“

Remus ignored her violent attacks, moving on with his recap.

“And thennn, Mary runs up to me the other day, talking about how she accidentally ‘exposed one of her friends’ secrets,’ and that’s why she had to do a dare. What secret was that? Did it have something to do with James?!”

“Remussss,” Lily covered her tomato red face with her hands, and shook her head violently against the carpet, “Gossiping’s no fun if you’re just gossiping about yourself!”

“It’s fun for me,” Remus grinned fully, making Lily rolled her eyes and turn away from him, “So, as you said earlier— get talking!”

“You know what, fine—“

“REALLY—?!”

“I’ll tell you… but only if you tell me something first.”

Remus groaned again, flipping himself over onto his stomach so he could bury his face in the floor.

“C’monnn— I don’t have anything to tell!”

“Literally anything, Remus! I’ll reveal a massive secret if you give me literally any piece of random information!”

“I don’t have any information! I’m a blank slate! Absolutely empty!”

“God, you’re dramatic—“

“I’m not being dramatic— honest!”

“Remusss—“

“Oh wait!” Remus suddenly perked up, “I’ve got something!”

“Actually?!” Lily’s eyes widened, sitting up on her stomach to pay better attention.

Remus nodded his head. “Yep. It’s about Peter.”

“Peter?” Lily quirked a brow.

“Yep— haven’t you noticed how phone obsessed that little asshole has become?”

“Remus,” Lily rolled her eyes, “I don’t pay nearly as much attention to you idiots as you might think I do, so you’re gonna have to catch me up a bit.”

“Ugh, okay,” Remus groaned, “So you know Melody, right?”

“Melody Charmaine?”

“Yeah, her— the one Pete asked to Hoco.”

“Wait— Peter asked Melody to Homecoming?!” Lily’s eyes widened gasped.

“Yep. It was this weird bet Sirius and James made—“

“Oh my god, of course it was.” Lily groaned, and Remus drew back, confused.

“Of course what was?“

“Asking her out as a bet? That’s a pretty shitty thing to do— literally every girls worst nightmare.”

“No, no— you don’t get it,” Remus shook his head, “It was a dare, but like, he ended up actually liking her, so it was okay—“

“Wait, he likes her?!”

“Well, no shit—thats what I’ve been trying to tell you! Now stop interrupting and let me finish!”

“Okay, okay,” Lily raised her arms in surrender, “Continue.”

“Alright,” Remus cleared his throat, “So he asks her, yeah? And then after that, he’s, like, texting her nonstop— which is extremely fucking annoying, by the way. Like, 24/7, he’s staring at his phone, and you’ll ask him something, and he just totally ignores you! I mean, what the fuck could they possibly be texting about that’s so important?!”

“Okay, Remus, just because you hate texting doesn’t mean the entire rest of the human population agrees. People love to text.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“No, you don’t get it,” Remus groaned, digging his hands into his eyes once again, “It’s constant. Constanttttt—“

“Yeah, I heard you the first time, idiot— keep telling me the story.”

“Oh yeah, my bad. So they’re texting all the time, and then, it’s Homecoming day, and Peter and her take their little pictures. Actually, that part was kinda cute— I lowkey felt like a proud father. It almost made up for all the times Peter had made me want to strangle him earlier—“

“Hold on a sec,” Lily hit Remus’s chest, stopping him mid thought, “When did Peter and Melody take pictures?!”

“After we went to your house. He tried to make us leave so they could do them alone, but obviously, Sirius and James wouldn’t let that slide. We got probably like one hundred terrible point-five pictures from that night— it was so fucking funny. Melody’s mom kept yelling at us for getting in the way of her shots, but it was totally worth it.”

“Oooh, could I see the pictures?!”

“Later,” Remus waved her off, “Remind me and I’ll send them to you. But anyways, after that, they’re like clinging to eachother at the dance, and lowkey, I was a little drunk… and high—“

“Yeah, no shit,” Lily snorted, “Don’t you remember our phone call?”

Remus face went blank, and he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Lily just stared back, one brow raised in question.

…

“Stop fucking with me.”

“What?” Lily exclaimed, her eyes going wide, “How am I fucking with you?!”

“Shut the fuck up, Lily— what phone call?!”

“What do you mean, ‘what phone call?’ You had said during mine and James’s pictures that you’d call me after the dance, and unfortunately, you made good on that promise.”

“Lily,” Remus, grabbed Lily’s arm and started shaking it frantically, “Actually stop— I don’t remember that! That’s actually so bad. Who knows who else I must’ve texted?! I’m actually gonna cry— this is literally gonna keep me up at night.”

“Calm downnn, Re— it’s not that big of a deal.” Lily rolled her eyes, but Remus ignored her.

“What did I even say? Why the hell did I promise to call you?! What the fuck?!”

“I don’t know!” Lily said, beginning to giggle at Remus’s misery, “I’m pretty sure it was something about Sirius!”

“Sirius?! Why the fuck was I talking about Sirius?!”

“How should I know?!” Lily tried to act serious, but her laughing was giving her away, “All I remember was that you were acting really drunk!”

“Ughhh,” Remus groaned, burying his face back in the carpet, “I’m killing myself when I get home.”

“Alright, drama queen— stop getting distracted.”

“I’m trying, but you keep distracting me!”

“Back to the story please!”

“Ughhh, okay. I don’t even remember where I was.”

“Pictures…” Lily gestured with her hands in an attempt to jog Remus memory, “clingy… you being drunk—“

“Oh, yeah. So this is where it gets a bit foggy. As I said, I was drunk, so I actually don’t remember if they made it official or not.”

Lily immediately snorted, hiding her smile with her hand.

“You’re a terrible friend.”

“Not i’m not! I’m just a stupid friend, and now, I’m too embarrassed to ask!”

“Just ask, Remus— It wouldn’t be the end of the world!”

“Yes it would! I’ve literally gone all four years of knowing Sirius and James without knowing what positions they play in football! I hate confrontation.”

Lily gasped. “There’s no fucking way.”

“Yes! But actually, don’t tell them that. Please— I’ve kept the secret for this long, and I don’t want to lose the streak.”

“I won’t,” Lily shook her head, “But I’m, like, just in shock. Literally how?!”

“I don’t knowww,” Remus groaned, “They never mention it, and Peter never mentions it, and literally no one mentions it, and now i’ve just dug myself too deep, and my ego couldn’t take asking about it!”

“You’re actually so dumb— like, the dumbest person I’ve ever met.”

Remus gasped, offended. “No I’m not! It’s just this one thing!”

“Even I know their positions! Well, I know James’s— he’s the quarter back. That’s, like, the easiest one to identify.”

Remus suddenly went quiet, snapping his jaw shut and narrowing his eyes at Lily.

“What’s Sirius’s position then?”

“How should I know?” Lily grimaced, “I don’t watch Sirius.”

“Oh, so you watch James?”

“Well— wait, no. Stop.” Lily spluttered, shaking her head to collect herself, “You’re twisting my words.”

“Hey,” Remus raised his hands, “I’m not twisting anything! You watch James, but not Sirius, right?”

“No! Not right! I’m just saying the quarter back is, like, the most important one on the field—“

“I don’t know, Lils— Peter always says the linebackers are—“

“Why the hell should I care what Peter says?!”

“Woah, getting a bit defensive there—“

“IM NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!”

“Woah!” Remus sat up in shock at Lily’s loud voice. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry— let’s switch the subject!”

“Thank you!” Lily rolled her eyes with exasperation before the pair lied back down. “Alright, I’m sorry— you can go now.”

“Well, actually, I have nothing more to say about Peter. Just that I have no clue if him and Melody are dating, I refuse to ask about it, and their phone calls are making me want to end it all.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Why don’t I just ask Melody?”

Remus perked up. “You can do that?!”

“Well no duh— I have her number.”

“Why?!” Remus exclaimed, “Since when?!”

“What do you mean ‘since when?’ Since forever. She’s my friend.”

“Really?!”

“Oh my god, you’re so dumb. Let me text her.”

“Wait, actually don’t,” Remus grabbed Lily’s arm, halting her mid text, “I’d rather just not know.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” Remus shrugged, “I just do.”

“Alright, suit yourself,” Lily said, putting her phone back into her pocket, standing up, and holding out a hand to help Remus.

Remus took it, quirking an eyebrow.

“What are we doing?”

“We,” Lily said, grabbing their half drunken refreshers off of her nightstand and holding one out to Remus, “Are taking Sirius’s advice. It’s time to get you into Gilmore Girls.”

Remus groaned, but it was no use.

Lily was a very hard girl to deny.

•••

“Alright, what the fuck is that?”

“How should I know?!” Remus exclaimed, “This is your fucking house!”

“It’s probably Sirius’s— where the hell is he, anyway?”

“Bathroom.” Remus replied to Peter’s question, eyeing the massive box sitting on the Potter’s front porch.

Remus, James, and Peter all stared at the mysterious package for a few seconds, none of them really knowing what to say. Eventually, Peter found his words.

“I volunteer Remus to bring it in.”

“WHAT?!” Remus yelped, whipping his head over to gape at his traitorous friend. Unfortunately, James was already nodding in agreement as well, leaving Remus without much room for argument.

“I have back problems— I can’t do this!”

“Yeah right, grandpa,” James rolled his eyes, moving over to clap Remus on the shoulder, “We’ll be sure to have 911 on speed dial.”

“No, like I’m being so deadass right now— this might actually snap all of my bones.”

“We’ll provide moral support!” Peter chimed in, a cheeky grin on his face. Peter always got too cocky when he wasn’t the butt of the joke— it was annoying. Remus rolled his eyes, but against all odds, reached over to grab the box.

The package was genuinely massive— at least more than six feet long, that was for sure.

“Could one of you at least grab the other end?” Remus whined, being met with only shaking heads and snickers.

“As I said,” Peter giggled as he took out his phone, “Moral support!”

Remus scowled, eyeing the device. “Hey! You’re not allowed to text Melody while I suffer!”

“I’m not texting— I’m documenting!”

“We’ll stop documenting, then— this isn’t fucking national geographic! I’m not a nearly extinct, wild animal!”

“Debatable—“ Peter tried saying being laughs, before being promptly interrupted by James.

“Sirius told us to record you when he wasn’t around. We’re doing him a favor!”

Remus openly gaped at his friends, standing up straight once again in his spot by the box.

“Why?! Literally why?!”

“Beats me,” James shrugged, “He’s probably trying to film a video essay about the world’s youngest old man.”

“James,” Remus took a deep inhale of breath and shut his eyes, making his two annoying friends immediately begin to giggle. “If you call me an old man one more fucking time—“

“What— you’ll hit me with your cane?”

Remus took one more deep breath, and tried to compose himself. Well, actually, he didn’t try every hard— but that was irrelevant.

Before Remus could think better of it, he was charging at James full speed— chasing after him as he screamed through the house, and nearly ran into about twenty pieces of furniture on the way.

James eventually managed to lead them to the breakfast nook, which in rich people language, was basically a non-formal dining room usually located just off of the kitchen.

The table was circular, and like a fucking idiot, James decided to corner himself behind it— landing him backed up against a wall, and trapped by the table.

Remus had him caught.

James tried to escape, but it wasn’t working. Every move he made, Remus would copy— putting his basketball skills to work for once. James was seemingly unsure about whether or not he should scream or laugh, so instead, he just did both simultaneously. It sounded really weird.

“Ha! You can’t get me! I won!” James jeered from the other end of the table, jerking slightly to the right and snickering as Remus did the same. Remus scoffed.

“How the hell did you win?! You’re literally cornered!”

“Nu uh, I could run away whenever I want!”

“Try it then, bitch!”

“Maybe I will!”

“Do it!”

“I’m gonna!”

“You sound like a fucking child!”

“You are a fucking child!”

Throughout the dumbass argument, Remus was vaguely aware of the fact Peter was still recording him, which was honestly a bit unnerving. Why the hell did Sirius want fucking videos of him?! Fucking freak.

“Alright, James— you’ve got five seconds. If you don’t get away in five seconds, I’m coming over there to get you.”

“Yeah, right— do your worst, Lupin!”

“Three…”

“I bet you won’t!”

“Two…”

“Whatcha gonna go, Loops? Huh?”

“ONE!”

Without giving James time to react, Remus jumped over the table in one motion, despite his previous complaints about his weak bones. James yelped at the top of his lungs and tried to run, but Remus grabbed him around the waist before he could go, landing them both on the kitchen floor in a pile of limbs, looking like fucking idiots.

James, of course, found this all to be hilarious, and seemed to not give a single fuck about the fact he’d just been tackled to the floor. Unfortunately for them all, before Remus could extract himself from James, Sirius arrived to the kitchen. with a gasp.

“DOG PILE?!” He yelled, giving Remus probably the happiest grin he’d ever seen.

“No!” Remus tried shaking his head, “Not a dog pile—!”

But it was no use— Sirius was jumping on top of their little pile just a second later, making both Remus and James huff at the weight.

“I can’t believe you guys were cuddling without me— this is such a betrayal.”

“We weren’t cuddling! James was being a dick—“

“Nope,” Sirius shifted his weight in a weird way which instantly cut Remus’s words off— along with his ability to breathe, “No excuses. Let’s hear what James has to say.”

Sirius held out his hand to James, which he apparently intended to look like a fake microphone. James instantly began playing along, not missing a beat.

“Hello, Mr. Prongs! I hope you’re having an incredible evening, but there is something important I must ask. Would you be able to recount the exact details of how you ended up cuddling Mr. Moony?”

“Of course, my good man,” James adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat with a flourish. God, they were both dumb. “It all began approximately five minutes ago, when our lovey friend, Mr. Padfoot, excused himself to the bathroom.”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius nodded intently, still lying in his uncomfortable position on top of Remus, holding out his imaginary microphone. Remus had pretty much just accepted it buy then, and miraculously chose not to fight for once. “I do happen to recall that. Please continue.”

“As Mr. Padfoot was in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, which we immediately ran to go investigate.”

“Hm, yes,” Sirius narrowed his eyes, “And what, pray tell, did you find?”

“Incredible question, sir— it appeared to be a package, but unfortunately, due to our dear Moony’s terrible back problems, we were unable to discover the package’s contents.”

“Quite a tragedy.”

“Yes,” James nodded solemnly, “Quite. But as our old friend—“

“Hey—!”

“—struggled, dear Wormtail, our camera man, began recording, which seemed to anger our poor Moony!”

“Oh no— you angered the beast! And how, must I ask, did this anger lead to the cuddle pile I just so happen to be on top of?”

“Fabulous question, sir. So you see, in the midst of Moony’s anger, he seemed to lay his sights on me, and mysteriously chose to attack me!”

“Mysteriously?!”

“Yes— mysteriously! I couldn’t tell you why if I tried— it was just so spontaneous! But anyways, he charged at me, forcing me to run away into this terrible little corner of our house! By then, I had full intents to surrender, and avoid further conflict with the beast, but Moony wouldn’t have it. Before I could negotiate my consequences, he lunged at me again, and jumped over the table to tackle me to the floor! That’s how I ended up here— wounded and alone on the floor in a puddle of my own blood.”

“Alone?!” Remus scoffed, “I thought this was a story about our cuddle pile?!”

Sirius gasped. “I knew it! I knew it was a fucking cuddle pile! You assholes!”

“You’ve been saying it was one whole time, you idiot! Now get off of me, fatass!” Remus rolled his eyes as he sat up, throwing Sirius off of his back in the process. The dumbass boy didn’t even fight it, he just let himself roll onto the floor with a snicker.

Peter walked closer to the pile of boys, getting the camera really close to James’s face to get an incredible shot of his massive nose. Peter looked over to Sirius with a grin.

“Good thing you told me to start recording, Sirius— I got that all on camera!”

“Yeah, speaking of which,” Remus turned on Sirius, “What the fuck?”

Sirius quirked a brow. “What the fuck what?”

“What the fuck you!”

“Alright, could you both ‘what the fuck’ out of my way,” James said with groan, attempting to peel himself off of the floor. His glasses were extremely lopsided, and his hair was somehow even messier than usual. “I just remembered we left the door open— there’s probably, like, eighty homeless people in my closet already.”

“Do you want me to check?” Peter asked, ending the recording and pocketing his phone. James shook his head and just reached out a hand, motioning for Peter to help him up.

“No homeless people are in your house, stupid,” Remus rolled his eyes, “Where the hell did you even hear about something like that?”

“Oh shit, you didn’t hear the story about the Crouches?” Sirius asked, his eyes widening at Remus.

Remus quirked a brow. “What story about the Crouches?”

“Last summer, they went into their basement, right? And when they went to get some sheets out of the closet, this big, scary, homeless guy jumped out with a knife, and stabbed the shit out of Mr. Crouch! That’s why he’s missing an eye.”

“Wait, Barty’s dad is missing an eye?! How did I not know this?!” Peter gasped, furrowing his eyebrows. James just scoffed, rolling his eyes at Sirius’s story.

“No Pete,” He sighed, “Mr, Crouch has two eyes, and Sirius is a bullshitting liar. I heard about the homeless people thing from my mom— she told me a homeless man was hiding in the closet of one of her book club friend’s houses. Apparently the guy jumped out, and stabbed the shit out of her husband.”

“Well, see, now I don’t believe you.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“I feel like you’re just remixing Sirius’s story.”

“I’m not remixing anything— Sirius copied me!”

“Nu uh,” Sirius mocked, “My story was an original!”

“No, mine was the original! I got it from my fucking mom! Are you calling my mom a liar—?!”

“Oh, shit— I kinda forgot about this thing.” Peter interrupted as they arrived back at James’s open front door, where they were met with the face of the mysterious package from earlier. Sirius immediately gasped and ran towards it, making all of the other boys look at each other curiously.

“Yes— finally! I’ve been waiting forever for this piece of shit! Moons, come grab the other side!” Sirius waved him over, making Remus groan dramatically, but comply nonetheless. His other friends had the audacity to snicker at him, which forced Remus to send back a few very nasty glares. Of course, that just made them laugh even harder.

“What the hell even is it?” Remus asked as he picked up his end, which was surprising light considering the sheer size of the package. Sirius smirked as they hauled the box over to the family room coffee table, followed closely behind by James and Peter.

“Truly the best purchase I’ve ever made in the history of ever.”

“Oh god,” Peter groaned, “Last time you said that you bought a fucking parrot, so I’m not sure if I trust your judgment.”

James gasped. “I loved Carla! She was so cute!”

“Yeah, cute until Sirius went insane one morning and decided to let her free in the middle of a park.” Remus rolled his eyes, and Sirius followed suit.

“Okay, look— she wanted to be free! She told me so herself!”

“The bird?” Remus asked incredulously.

Sirius nodded. “Yes!”

“Ohh, shit— that’s my bad.” James cringed, bringing one hand up to scratch the back of his head, “I’m pretty sure you let her go, like, a day after I listened to “I Want to Break Free” by Queen a billion times.”

Remus snorted. “Ehh, not your fault, James. If Sirius had just bought an animal that didn’t fucking talk, there would’ve been no issues.”

“Yeah— like a snake!” Peter chimed in, making Sirius scowl.

“Oh helllll no— I hate snakes!” Sirius exclaimed dramatically, even going to far as to shake his head, seemingly trying to rid the thought of snakes from his mind.

Remus rolled his eyes. “What’s your problem with snakes?”

“Literally everything!” Sirius cried, “Everything’s a problem with snakes! They’re evil, slithery, sneaky, little assholes!”

James scoffed. “Sounds a lot like someone else I know.”

“Hey—!”

“Guys, could we open the package now?” Peter whined, apparently growing too impatient for their normal bickering. Sirius seemed to snap back into action, all thoughts of snakes and birds suddenly gone.

“Oh, yeah— Prongs,” Sirius motioned towards the kitchen, “Go get us a knife—“

But his words were interrupted by James, who shoved him out of the way— using his hands to rip the box open, and leave the rest of them wide-eyed and in shock.

“Well, uh— okay,” Sirius rolled his eyes at James, “Or we could just do it like a fucking caveman.”

“Just show us what’s inside, idiot!”

“Yeah— I wanna see!”

“patience, guys,” Sirius tried using his hands to bring down their volume, which obviously didn’t work, “Everyone turn around, and I’ll tell you when to look.”

James, Remus, and Peter all lined up at the front of the family room and turned around, being forced to stare at the massive, grand piano instead of the seating. Remus had genuinely never seen anyone use that piano— he was pretty sure James didn’t even know how to play. Sirius probably did, tho— that seemed like the type of thing he’d be able to do.

There was lots of rustling and banging from Sirius’s area, making all of them become a bit antsy to turn around. James the most, though— after his fifth time trying to steal a peak, Sirius snatched his glasses, taking away his vision privileges.

“Speed up, Pads,” James whined, “I can’t see!”

“Well no shit,” Remus snorted, “That was the whole point.”

“My attention span isn’t good enough for this— I need Tik Tok!”

“Jesus christ.”

“Then watch Tik Tok?” Peter looked over the James, raising a questioning brow. This just made James let out a ridiculous groan, and drop to his fucking knees; his hands pulling out his own hair.”

“I can’t fucking seeee!”

“Alright,” Remus rolled his eyes, “Speed the hell up, Sirius— James is acting like his eyes have been gouged out with spoons.”

“They haveeeee—“

“I’m going as fast as I can, guys, Jesus Christ!” Sirius huffed.

“Well, go faster then!”

“Shut up, asshole!”

“No you! Stop talking to me and get to fucking work!”

“Why don’t you stop bothering me then!”

“Oh my god, guys,” Peter buried his face into his hands and groaned, “Please shut the fuck up.”

“Him first!” Sirius yelled, his face probably steaming with useless anger. It was almost funny the way Remus could perfectly imagine all of Sirius’s facial expressions, despite not being able to see him.

“Remus,” Peter warned as soon as Remus dared to open his mouth, “Don’t you dare.”

Remus scoffed, but agreed, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes to show his annoyance.

Finally, after what felt like fucking centuries, the slow ass asshole was finished doing whatever the hell he was going.

“Alright guys,” Sirius said, the excitement palpable in his voice, “Turn around!”

In sync, all three boys turned around, just to be met with the most horrific, monstrous sight Remus had ever seen.

Four cardboard cut outs of themselves, all life sized.

Jesus christ, Remus hated Sirius.

“Wait, that’s so cool!” James yelled, running to the cut out of himself with a smile. Peter walked towards his too, but Remus was stuck in his place with disappointed shock.

“Genuinely what the hell made you buy these? Like what the fuck possessed you?”

“There was no possession, Moons,” Sirius smirked, “It was Etsy!”

“Esty?” Remus parroted with a grimace. Sirius just nodded happily.

“So, basically, you got an actual fucking human to make four life sized cardboard cut outs of us?”

“Yep!”

Remus sighed. “God, I hate you.”

“Love you too, Moons—“

“Hold on,” James interrupted, turning on Sirius with his eyebrows furrowed, “Where the hell did you even get this picture of me?”

“Oh, yeah,” Peter narrowed his eyes at his cut out, suddenly noticing the absurdity of the situation, “What the hell?”

“Hey, where I got them is unimportant,” Sirius raised his arms in defense, “Think about everything we could do with these!”

Remus shook his head. “I genuinely can’t think of a single thing.”

“Yeah, me either lowkey.”

“You’re right—“

“Nope,” Sirius silenced them, “You’re all uncreative. Think harder.”

“Uhh…”

“Umm…”

“Wait! Maybe,” James put his finger up, and then lowered it again, “Never mind, nope. I’m lost.”

“Yeah, you’re lost because there’s absolutely nothing—“

“Shut up, Moony—!”

“Could you give us a hint?” Peter asked, making James nod his head eagerly in agreement.

“Yes please!”

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes as if explanation was a huge hardship.

“Fine, I’ll help you out. Imagine this,” Sirius made a rainbow motion with his hands, “We put each of them in different windows, and scare the shit out of people walking by!”

“Oh!”

“That’s it?”

“Uhhh…”

“Alright, never mind.” Sirius shook his head, snatching up his own and Remus’s cutout with such a suddenness, they all jumped, “I hate you all.”

…

God, Remus hated that idiot.

•••

A very unfortunate addition to Remus’s life had been an increase in shitty music. More specifically, James’s shitty music.

James was really obsessed with shitty music.

Okay, well, in all actuality, that statement was nothing new. James had always had a weird ass taste in music. He was, like, the type of guy who’d unironically have the fucking cupid shuffle in his playlist. He was a fucking weirdo.

But anyway, none of that had ever really bothered Remus. What was bothering him, was the absolutely absurd amount of Ed Sheeran they’d been listening to.

It was actually torture.

How does one casually become obsessed with Ed Sheeran? Like, the fuck? Did he hear “Shape of You” on the fucking radio one day and think, “Oh, shit— turn this shit up!”

Like, what? What the hell was wrong with him?!

And, even more unfortunately, because of James’s sudden interest in that evil ass, songwriting leprechaun, James was forcing the rest of them to listen to his songs 24/7 too! Like, genuinely— 24 fucking 7! Remus couldn’t take it!

Lucky, he wasn’t the only one who shared this opinion.

Sirius hit his head against the car repeatedly for probably the fortieth time that day, making James roll his eyes and turn the volume down just a couple of notches.

“Alright,” James spoke over the quieted music, “If I hear one more complaint about the song, I’m throwing you all out.”

“Thank goddd,” Sirius groaned, flipping around in his chair to look at Remus, “Can we just take your car, Moons?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m not wasting gas money for Ed Sheeran— turn your ass around, dickhead.”

Sirius groaned again, this time sinking down all the way in his seat, his seat belt already off, allowing him to curl into the little space between the seat and the front of the car. He looked like a fucking idiot, but that was no surprise.

Their original plan had been to go thrifting, but in all honesty, Remus wasn’t sure they’d survive long enough to make it there. He was currently debating with Pete on whether or not ear plugs would be a worthy investment. All signs were pointing to yes.

“You’re all being dramatic,” James gestured around the car, making them do a collective eye roll, “Ed Sheeran has good songs! He’s a—“

“—Lyrical genius.” The entire car parroted back, making them all snicker.

“Prongs, you’ve talked about Ed Sheeran so much, I’ve started having dreams about him. He’s haunting me!”

“Dreams?” Remus quirked an unconvinced brow, “Really?”

“Yes!”

“About what?”

“Do you want me to describe them to you?” Sirius asked. He sounded far too enthusiastic, but unfortunately, Remus didn’t pick up on it.

Remus said yes just as the rest of his friends yelled no, but in Sirius’s world, majority vote didn’t matter. He’d be a really shitty politician.

Sirius began his story despite the loud complaints.

“Alright, so it all began on a bright, sunny, summer morning— the birds were chirping, and the clouds were softly gliding through the sky—“

“Can we fast forward please?”

“Is this part of the dream, or is this the pre-dream story?”

“No to Remus, yes to Peter.” Sirius responded to the overlapping sounds of the boys’ voices, pointing to each one of them respectively.

“What do you mean, ‘Yes?’” Peter furrowed his brows, “It wasn’t a yes or no question—!”

“Alright, can I finish or not?”

Remus and Peter both rolled their eyes, but motioned for Sirius to continued. He opened his mouth again to speak with a smirk.

“Anyways, as I was saying— It was a lovely summer morning, and me, Prongs, and Moons were all having a picnic in a field—“

“Hey!” Peter yelled, “Where the hell am I?!”

“How the fuck should I know,” Sirius shrugged, “It was a dream!”

“Why are you excluding me in your dreams?!”

“I’m sure it wasn’t on purpose, Wormy,” James tried to console him, but it hardly worked.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Just keep going, Sirius.”

“Okay, thank you, Moons. So we’re sitting in this field, yeah? When suddenly, Prongs notices a rainbow, so of course, we all run to investigate— and then, Moony, the genius he is, suggests we try to find the end of the rainbow, and find the massive bowl of Lucky Charms!”

“Lucky charms?” Remus raised a brow.

“Wait, I thought it was supposed to be a pot of gold—“

“Could you all shut the fuck up and let me talk?”

When they all went quiet, Sirius continued.

“This was my fucking dream, so at the end of the rainbow, there was a massive bowl of lucky charms, not a pot of gold, okay? So we went there, met some friends along the way, like Mariah Carey and Lil Nas X in the woods—“

“Literally what the fuck—“

“The woods—?!”

“Was I one of those friends?! You still haven’t added me—“

“— And finally found the end of the rainbow.” Sirius ignored them all completely, “But, inside of our bowl of Lucky Charms, we noticed a mysterious figure. Obviously, me and Prongs didn’t want to die, so we sent Moony to investigate for us!”

“Hey—!”

“As we all approached, we saw a red-headed figure slowly come out from the bowl—“

“Was it Lily?!” James asked with sudden interest. Sirius gave James probably the nastiest look he’d ever received.

“No, no it was not.” Sirius side-eyed James for a few more seconds before finally getting on with his sorry. He was a fucking terrible story teller— or maybe they were just bad listeners. Who knows.

“Anywaysss, we saw this red-headed, non Evans shaped figure, come out from the bowl, and of course, naturally, we pushed Moony closer to get him to communicate with it. As we all know, Remus is basically the ginger-whisperer— he’s already friends with, like, eight of them.”

“Alright, asshole— there’s only three—“

“So we knew he was our only chance at getting those Lucky Charms.” Once again, he was ignored. “As Moony got closer, we saw a tiny, spindly claw motion him forward with a croaking, ‘Come hereee, my boy.’ Once Moony was leaning over the bowl, the head finally popped all the way out— revealing non other than Ed fucking Sheeran!”

“Damn— what a plot twist. Who saw that coming—?”

“Shut up! Ed Sheeran came out of the bowl, and like every other leprechaun who guards bowls of Lucky Charms, he told Moony that he could only have the prize if he could answer a question. Moony agreed, and the leprechaun smirked evilly, tapping his fingertips evilly as he spoke—“

“Did you mention he did it evilly—?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! OH MY GOD!” Sirius yelled, making them all snicker, “Jesus, let me speak! Moony agrees, and the leprechaun begins his question. Are y’all ready to hear it, or are you gonna interrupt eighty more times?”

“Nah, all you.”

“We’re done— trust!” James raised his hands in surrender, and Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay. Let me tell you the question. The leprechaun spoke, saying, ‘Answer this riddle, and I’ll give you what’s rightfully your’s. Would you rather—“

“Okay, nope. You’re done—“

“Alright, that’s it— I’m never telling a story ever again. I hate you all. James, turn up Ed Sheeran.”

“NO—“

“SPARE US—“

James just smirked, instantly cranking up the volume to unforgivable levels.

“Well, of course! If you insist!”

…

Yep, it’s official. Remus hates Ed Sheeran.