Would You Rather

“Alright, boys— listen up!”

Remus rolled his eyes as the entire team directed their attention to Gilderoy Lockhart— their starting shooting guard. There wasn’t really anything wrong with the guy— he was just annoying…

And full of himself.

And a dick head.

And an asshole.

…

Did Remus mention he was annoying?

…

Yeah— Remus didn’t like Gilderoy.

“Would you rather—“

“Ughhh.”

“Shut up, Lupin!” Basically the entire team chanted in unison, making a few of them snicker, and causing Remus to roll his eyes.

Assholes.

Unfortunately, Lockhart continued.

“Anyways, as I was saying— Would you rather fuck a fine ass, Latina Baddie, or a basic white girl.”

…

Uhh, okay?

The entire group looked around at eachother, expecting more.

Holy shit, that question was pathetic.

Frank raised a brow.

“That’s it?”

“No, there’s one more part,” Gilderoy took a breath, giving him time to dramatically clear his throat. “The Latina baddie… has really bad breath.”

More silence, only broken by a few snickers.

…

Wow— dude really got the whole crowd laughing with that one.

Could someone buy this guy a personality? Please?

Remus shook his head, letting it drop to his hand. “Oh my fucking god—“

“What— you got something to say, Loops?”

“Yeah, I do,” Remus rolled his eyes, looking back up to Lockhart. “Come up with a better fucking question.”

Gilderoy laughed, getting up in Remus’s personal space. “Oh, was that not good enough for you?”

“Clearly not— did I not make that obvious—?”

“I vote the white girl!”

Everyone went quiet once again. Their argument had apparently been interrupted by a sophomore kid named Tommy— one of the new guys on the team.

The entire group turned to stare at Tommy, who seemed to slightly cower under the scrutiny. Poor guy.

Unfortunately, Gilderoy took this as his chance to pounce.

Gilderoy grabbed one of Tommy’s shoulders and began shaking him violently, chanting “ayyyyy,” and causing a few other boys to join in.

Welp, there goes Tommy— in about four days, he’ll turn into just another Lockhart clone, and Remus will be forced to ignore every word that comes out of his mouth for the rest of his high school career.

The day that Lockhart somehow manages to convert Frank and Gideon will be the day Remus kills himself.

Deadass.

Once the ice had been broken, Remus was forced against his will to listen as his teammates shared their own opinions— most picking the one with bad breath, for whatever reason.

God, Gilderoy was fucking stupid.

Remus didn’t know how long he could take it.

•••

Remus and his friends rarely ever went to Peter’s house. Like genuinely— Remus probably couldn’t even tell you where Peter’s parents’ bedroom was located if his life depended on it.

But, despite all of that, he somehow found himself in Peter’s kitchen after practice— munching on Little Caesars breadsticks and attempting to ignore Sirius’s terrible rendition of “Irreplaceable” by Beyoncé.

It was actually torture.

Remus was about two seconds away from shoving a slice of pizza into his annoying friend’s mouth to shut him up, when James suddenly gasped.

“Wormy!” James yelled, leaning away from the window above the sink to gape at Peter.

“You have a fucking trampoline?!”

Sirius immediately perked up, thankfully putting an end to the awful singing.

“WHAT?! WHERE?!”

James pointed to the window, waiting as Sirius ran across Peter’s small kitchen to get a look.

Remus walked over as well, though much slower than Sirius had. Lo and behold, James apparently wasn’t lying. There really was a trampoline out there!

Sure, it was dirty as hell, and covered in fallen autumn leaves from Peter’s backyard tree— but that was irrelevant.

Call him childish, but Remus really liked trampolines. He didn’t really like jumping on them— he had too much chronic pain from basketball to do all that— but he still liked them.

Well, he liked lying on them. Especially in the summer, with a popsicle in his hand and the sun beating down on his back. Sure, there wasn’t any sun, and there didn’t seem to be any popsicles, but Remus was still oddly excited.

With more enthusiasm and energy than he’d had all day, Remus dragged his friends outside through the sliding glass door, grabbing the bag of breadsticks for the road, and running out into the chilly air of the backyard.

Everyone instantly complained about the cold, but ran towards the trampoline nonetheless.

“Holy fuck!” Sirius yelled as they crossed the patch of dead grass, dancing around on their toes to avoid stickers from pricking their shoeless feet. “When the hell did it get so cold?!”

“No idea,” James said, holding his arms protectively around his body as he shivered, “But we should get some blankets.”

“Later,” Peter waved James off, handing Remus and Sirius each a broom from god knows where. Genuinely, where the hell did the brooms come from? “If you wanna jump, you gotta sweep.”

“Sweep!?” Sirius and James exclaimed in unison, gaping at Peter.

“I’ve never swept before!” Sirius tried handing his broom to Remus, but Remus just slapped it away.

“I don’t know how!”

“You don’t know how to sweep?” Remus asked with a snort, raising a judgmental brow.

Sirius scowled. “No? Why would I?”

Remus rolled his eyes, and Peter took his turn to gape at the rich ass pair.

“Are you serious?!”

“Always—“

“No, like genuinely— you’ve never used a broom?”

Both James and Sirius shook their heads, and Peter’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“HOW?!”

“Uhh—“

“You’ve never done chores?!”

“Umm, no—?”

“Stop asking stupid questions, Pete— just look at them,” Remus gestured to James and Sirius, ignoring their attempts to defend their own ignorance, “Do they look like they’ve ever held a broom?”

As Remus and Peter observed their two stupid friends, Peter slowly began nodding, before switching to sadly shaking his head.

“You’re so right— they don’t.”

“Hey—!”

“Well, this could be a perfect learning opportunity!”

Peter nodded, a small smirk breaking over his face.

“You’re so right.”

James and Sirius were really shit at sweeping. Remus didn’t even know you could be shit at sweeping until he witnessed that pitiful display. Like genuinely, what the hell were they even doing? Were they even trying?

In the thirty minutes that had passed, the sun had set, the breadsticks had been devoured, and not a single leaf had been successfully swept off the trampoline.

It was truly pathetic.

Sirius groaned, angrily throwing the broom down and making their minimal progress bounce into the air, scattering the leaves everywhere. James immediately threw his arms up to complain, but Sirius ignored him.

“I can’t fucking do it!”

Remus snickered. “You just gotta, like, sweep— you know?”

Sirius gaped. “Clearly, I fucking don’t!”

“Aww, cmon man,” Peter yelled from their spot on the stone wall dividing his backyard from his neighbors, “Put your back into it!”

“I’m putting my goddamn back into it!”

“Well, if your back was really in it, those leaves would be gone—“

“Alright, asshole,” Sirius hopped off of the trampoline and made a beeline towards Remus, forcing the taller boy to jump off the wall and begin backing away. “Why don’t you go fucking sweep it if you’re so good.”

“Maybe I will!”

“Maybe you should!”

“Maybe if I did, the trampoline would get cleaned in time for us to actually fucking use it!”

“Well then go for it, Cinderella!” Sirius reached his hand out, somehow managing to telepathically communicate to James to throw the broom towards him at that exact moment. He even managed to catch it with one fucking hand.

Little dickhead. Remus would be impressive if it had been literally anyone else.

Remus snatched the broom from Sirius’s outstretched hand with as much attitude as he could muster— walking towards the dusty trampoline to finally help James.

James, to his credit, was indeed trying. He had been diligently attempting to sweep the leaves into a big pile in the middle, but the weird distribution of weight as he walked around the trampoline was causing the leaves to scatter every time he made progress.

But hey— at least he tried.

“Alright, look,” Remus motioned to James and waited until his bespectacled eyes landed on his broom, “There’s no need to make a pile— we’ve just gotta get the leaves off.”

James tilted his head with confusion. “But I thought you were meant to make piles when you swept?”

“Well, yeah,” Remus rolled his eyes, “But that’s only when you’re inside. Right now, we’re just trying to get the leaves off— like this.”

Remus used his broom to sweep a large section of leaves swiftly off of the trampoline. James, for some reason, seemed flabbergasted by the simplicity of Remus’s actions.

“Wait,” Sirius called from where he had joined Peter on the wall, “That’s it?! That’s all I had to do?!”

“Yeah, dumbass.”

“Well you should’ve just fucking told me!” Sirius jumped off the wall and landed on the trampoline in one motion, making all of the leaves bounce again.

“If you would’ve listened for, like, two seconds—“

“Listened?!” Sirius’s eyes widened, “I was fucking listening! I asked you what to do, and you just laughed at me and started throwing pinecones!”

Remus snorted, immediately bringing his hand up to cover his smile.

“There were too many pinecones on the wall— I was just trying to clean!”

Sirius threw his hands up. “By making more of a mess?!”

“We’re outside! You can have outdoor pinecones— which come from trees, by the way— outside—!”

“Alright, alright,” James interrupted, allowing Remus to observe his surroundings and realize all of the leaves had somehow disappeared. Judging by Sirius’s expression, he was just as shocked.

Peter clapped his hands together, jumping down from the wall with much less grace than Sirius, and making loud crunching noises as he landed on the scattered leaves.

“Good job, James!” Peter congratulated with a smile.

James smiled back, looking far too happy about completing such a basic task.

“Alright guys,” James rubbed his hands together like a cartoon villain, “Let’s jump!”

Remus shook his head, dodging Sirius as he charged towards the middle to double bounce James.

“You guys are such idiots.”

•••

“Just pick already!”

“I’m fucking picking, bitch— can you wait?!”

Sirius rolled his eyes, and Remus copied the motion, exasperatedly pressing the arrows on the remote as he sifted through his options.

Sirius had seen a Tik Tok about blind karaoke, and was now forcing them all to participate.

Of course, Sirius insisted on going first, and forced Remus to pick the song. Unfortunately, Remus was coming up blank— his brain was too tired to make decisions.

Peter was barely focusing— he’d been texting Melody pretty much all night, and it didn’t seem like he had any plans to stop. Remus had genuinely no idea if they were official or not— Peter might’ve told him at some point, but in all honesty, Remus had forgotten. Homecoming was a bit fuzzy.

So, with Peter distracted, and James currently upstairs raiding the house for food, Sirius and Remus were essentially left all alone— a perfect environment for useless arguments.

Apparently, Sirius’s complaint of choice just so happened to be the speed of Remus’s decision making.

God he was fucking annoying.

“Bro, it actually cannot be this difficult—“

“Could you just shut the hell up and wait? We’re gonna have to wait for James anyway, so calm your fucking tits.”

“You first, dickhead.“

“Me first what?!”

“Calm your tits!”

“My tits have been fucking calm—!”

“Guys, guys— shut up!” Peter put a finger to his lips to shush them, causing Remus and SIrius to gain temporary amity— looking at eachother with matching looks of annoyance.

Melody was calling.

There wasn’t anything wrong with them calling each other, Remus just wished Peter would do it from the comfort of his own home; as far away from Remus as possible, preferably.

“Melody wants to face time!”

Well, no fucking duh— Remus could hear the sound of his fucking ringtone from a mile away. For some reason, Peter had always insisted on having his ringer on. It might’ve been his biggest red flag; he even had the obnoxious ass flashlight thing that would go off every time he got a text.

Genuinely, what the hell was the point of all that? Was he expecting a call from the fucking president? Did he have loan sharks riding his ass? What situation would even require your fucking flashlight to go off with every notification?!

Remus, obviously, was the exact opposite— he had his phone on do not disturb 24/7.

The only person who complained about it was Sirius, so obviously, Remus refused to turn it off.

Remus and Sirius both began responding to Peter at the same time.

“Well, answer then—“

“Tell Melody to fuck off— you’re supposed to be my man—!”

Remus and Sirius shared a look before snorting at their own idiocy. Peter just rolled his eyes— a type of sass he could only maintain when Melody was involved.

“Alright, fuck you both— I’m answering.”

Remus and Sirius groaned in unison, but Peter ignored them.

As the (maybe) couple did their greetings, Sirius shuffled away from the TV, meeting Remus on the couch.

“Hey,” Remus instantly snatched the remote, just in case Sirius was planning on taking it, “Back off, dick—“

“Shush!” Sirius shushed him, clapping his hand over Remus’s mouth and shoving him down until he was horizontal on the couch. Remus tried to squirm away, but was unsuccessful.

When Remus finally gave up, Sirius smirked.

“I have an idea!” He whispered. Remus raised a brow, but was unable to actually respond… or complain.

Instead, he just shrugged, hoping it would somehow prompt Sirius to explain his plan further. Luckily, it worked.

“We pretend to fuck!” Sirius exclaimed with a smile far too happy for the situation.

God he was an idiot.

Remus immediately began shaking his head from under Sirius’s hand, causing Sirius to roll his eyes.

“Okay, fine,” He sighed, “We make it sound like Peter is in the room with a random couple who were already fucking.”

Getting thoroughly annoyed by his inability to respond, Remus dragged Sirius’s hand away— gasping when his mouth was finally freed.

“How?” Remus shot up, sitting straight on the couch once again, knocking Sirius slightly off balance. “And why?”

Sirius just shrugged. “Why not— it’ll probably make Peter mad.”

Unfortunately, that was all Remus needed to hear— Peter had been getting on his last nerve recently.

Sirius briefed Remus on the plan, and Remus nodded enthusiastically, attempting to remember his instructions. They weren’t too complex— basically just, “Clap,” “Moan,” and “Come up with good moaning names.”

…

Yeah, Remus had no clue what the last one meant.

“What the fuck is a good moaning name?!” Remus whispered furiously, making Sirius snort.

“I mean— I’d say Sirius is a pretty good one. Go on, moan my name— we’ll see how it sounds—“

“Hell no!” Remus pushed Sirius’s head away aggressively, making the annoying boy laugh.

“Awww, but Moons,” Sirius whined quietly, “Just try it! I’ll moan your name for you if you want—“

“Nope, no thanks—“

“Remusss—“

“Oh hell no! No— stop!” Remus literally pulled the collar of his shirt up defensively to hide his face from that terrifying display. This just made Sirius burst out laughing, which obviously drew the attention of fucking Romeo and Juliet at the other end of the room.

“What,” Peter narrowed his eyes at Remus as Sirius cackled, “Remus, what’s he laughing at?!”

Remus just shrugged, and Peter rolled his eyes for the second time that night, getting up from his spot in the corner to stomp over to the couch.

“Sorry, Melody,” Peter apologized, cashing Remus and Sirius to roll their eyes in perfect unison, “These two are being fucking idiots.”

“Nu uh,” Sirius attempted to defend himself between laughs, which was just making his voice sound strange and wheezy, “We— we’re just minding our business over here, Mels—“

“Hey— you can’t give her nicknames—!”

“— It’s Wormy who’s being annoying.”

“Wormy?” Melody’s voice sounded through the choppy speaker of Peter’s phone, “What’s a Wormy?”

“Oh, I am so glad you asked!”
Sirius smirked, snatching the phone away from Peter, and ignoring his immediate complaints.

“Moons, could you hold Earth Worm back for me?”

Remus rolled his eyes, but complied— grabbing Peter by the shoulders and attempting to dodge his thrashing limbs.

God damn, this kid was obsessed with his phone!

He definitely hate to hear it, but the way he was wiggling around in Remus’s arms was really living up to the nickname.

“So basically, Peter’s name is Wormtail because when he was younger, he was obsessed with digging in the dirt. And not just like, digging— he’d fully get in there— no clothes, just straight raw doggin’ it, balls out for everyone to see— and would wiggle around in there for hours. We’d have to actually drag his ass out of the dirt to take him inside to shower—“

“BULLSHIT,” Peter yelled, “SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!”

But, unfortunately, the asshole didn’t shut up.

“—So obviously, he never smelled the best when he was younger— but don’t worry, Melly— we made sure to train our young Wormy to be a much cleaner man. After years of hard work, he’s finally shower and potty trained! It certainly wasn’t easy, but it was definitely worth it—“

In a sudden moment of super human strength, Peter somehow managed to break free from Remus’s grip— lunging over to where Sirius lounged on the couch and immediately tackling him.

Sirius yelped, and Remus rushed over to help— attempting to grab his legs as Sirius protected the phone.

“GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE—!”

“I will if you ask nicely!”

“PLEASE GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE!”

…

Welp, at least he said please!

Remus released his hold on Peter’s feet at the exact moment Sirius let the phone go limp in this hands. Unfortunately for poor Pete— this just resulted in the boy being suddenly dropped to the floor, with the phone following close behind— slipping off of the couch and landing right on Peter’s nose.

Oh shit.

“JAMES— COME FUCKING HELP ME!”

Damn it, Peter called for backup— Sirius and Remus were so fucked.

So much for the fake sex plan.

•••

As an apology for potentially ruining Peter’s future (or current, maybe?) relationship— Sirius and Remus decided to take him out for frozen yogurt.

James would have joined, but he was somewhere else— doing something important, probably. Maybe. Potentially?

…

Okay, Remus had no fucking clue where James was. All he knew was that he was gone, and his car wasn’t— hence why Remus and the rest of them were able to get to the frozen yogurt place in the first place.

He had asked Sirius about James, but that little bitch just shrugged, and obviously Remus was too lazy to check James’s location, so for now, it was a mystery.

Anyways, all of that was irrelevant— there were far more pressing matters to address.

Frozen yogurt.

Yep, that’s right— Remus fucking loved frozen yogurt.

Genuinely, and he’s not joking about this, frozen yogurt was the peak of human invention. The only things that could potentially top it would be personal pizzas, or Chipotle— but other than that, absolutely peak.

But of course, as always, Sirius was probably already brainstorming ways to ruin this for him.

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius slid up to his slide, already preparing in advance to call him an idiot and tell him to fuck off.

“Alright, hear me out—“

“Nope— fuck off.”

“Okay, just listen! Trust! Worms, I need you here too!”

At mention of his name, Peter scampered over from his spot in front of the yogurt dispensers. He’d been observing his options for about five minutes while Remus and Sirius bickered.

“What did you need?”

“Listen, listen. I say we make this a competition.”

Peter looked confused, switching his gaze back and forth between Remus and Sirius. “Make what a competition?”

“Our ice cream— obviously.”

Remus and Peter both immediately corrected Sirius about it not being ice cream, but Sirius waved them off.

“I don’t give a fuck— it’s ice, and it’s creamy. Ice cream.”

“Nu uh,” Remus put his finger up, looking like the exact definition of a nerd, “Ice cream is made from milk, and frozen yogurt is yogurt.”

“Who?”

Remus quirked a brow. “The fuck you mean, ‘who?’ I’m talking about yogurt—“

“—Asked.”

…

Remus had to take a few deep breaths to avoid stabbing Sirius with one of the color changing spoons. It was almost impressive how calm he managed to stay— someone give him a pat on the back, he deserved it.

“I’m actually gonna beat your fucking ass—“

“So anyways, back to what I was saying,” Sirius cleared his throat, ignoring Remus completely, “We should make our ice cream—“

“Frozen yogurt—“

“—Into a competition! We can each try to make the biggest cup, and whoever’s weighs the most wins!”

Remus sighed, but eventually looked up to quirk a brow at Sirius.

“You paying?”

Sirius nodded enthusiastically, a smile plastered onto his face.

And with that— the competition was on. No need for more convincing— this might as well have been Remus’s own version of heaven.

He had this in the bag.

They immediately got to work, each grabbing the biggest cup possible and heading over to the dispensers. Remus went straight for the chocolate option, which he’d argue til the day he died was the absolute best flavor. No questions asked.

He filled that shit to the brim, not bothering to think about how much money he was probably wasting. Truthfully, it wasn’t really waste at all— Remus fully intended to eat every last bite.

Once his cup was filled to pretty much max capacity, he headed over to the toppings table, where he found Peter and Sirius already getting to work— their cups overflowing with various flavors. Pete went with what appeared to be cake batter, and Sirius had pretty much every fruit flavor offered, making his cup look like one big, colorful mess. It looked absolutely fucking disgusting.

Sirius was a fucking idiot.

As Remus went to stand by Peter, he looked up, catching Sirius eye and rolling his own when he saw Sirius wink at him.

“Chocolate again, Moons?” Sirius snickered, “Where’s the creativity? Where’s the flair; the interest; the excitement?”

“Up your ass, dickhead.”

“What toppings are you getting, Remus?” Peter asked as he grabbed a massive scoop of the weird ass boba thingies.

“Uhh,” Remus scanned the table, “Probably the brownies, the cookie dough bites, the reese’s peanut butter cups, the snickers bars, the kitkats, the twix… ooh— and the chocolate syrup!”

“God damn, you’re fat.”

“Hey!” Remus gasped, offended, “Look at your own cup, bitch— you have, like, thirty brownies on there!”

“Yeah, but those don’t count— brownies are basically calorie-less.” Sirius waved him off.

Remus gaped at his idiotic friend.

“Who the fuck told you that?!”

“Fabian.” Both Peter and Sirius replied in unison, making Remus immediately smack his hand to his forehead.

“I’m pretty sure you and Fabian aren’t talking about the same brownies, idiot.”

Sirius eyes widened, and he began nodding his head in understanding.

“Ohhh, that’s why they tasted so weird! Everything makes so much sense now!”

“Holy shit, you’re dumb.”

Sirius was about to respond in protest when his phone rang, distracting all of them from their thoughts.

Sirius immediately handing his cup to Remus, who took his begrudgingly as Sirius took out his phone and answered the call.

“Hey, Prongs,” Sirius greeted, “What’s up?”

Remus and Peter exchanged a look behind Sirius back as he talked.

“Yeah, we’re getting frozen yogurt— oh yeah, it’s— no, we’re apologizing. Yeah— wait what? Yeah, you were gone— I don’t remember.”

“What the fuck?” Remus tried whispering to Peter, but the boy just shrugged, seemingly just as confused.

“Well then get your ass over here, dumbass— yeah, we’re still here! Yeah— yeah, stupid. Alright, alright, fine— yeah. Yeah. Okay. Byeeee!”

As soon as Sirius hung up, Remus and Peter bombarded him with questions.

“What the hell was that?!”

“What’s he doing?”

“Where is he?”

“Is he coming yet?!”

“Jesus christ, guys, calm the fuck down!” Sirius tried to rally them with his hands, “One at a time, please.”

Remus went first.

“Where the hell is James?”

Sirius shrugged. “No idea, but he’s on his way here!”

Peter was next.

“How’s he getting here— we have his car.”

Remus and Sirius both immediately snapped their heads in each other’s directions.

“Wait, good point. Is he with Mrs. Potter?”

“Uhh, I actually don’t know?” Sirius looked genuinely confused, looking down at his phone as he scratched the back of his head. “Wait, let’s check his location.”

Their cups were abandoned on the side of the toppings table as Sirius opened up Life360, hunting down James’s icon (a stag, for whatever fucking reason. He said it was because he liked hunting, even though Remus is positive he’s never been.), and zooming in. He was driving, that much was for sure, but the Potter’s didn’t seem to be with him. They had Mr. and Mrs. Potter on their Life360 as well, just in case.

Peter furrowed his brows from the side of Sirius arm. “Who the fuck is he with?”

“Yeah,” Sirius quirked a brow, matching the exact expression Remus just so happened to be making, “What the fuck? Whys that asshole abandoning us for some random?!”

“Maybe it’s Lily!”

Remus shook his head, shooting down that idea. “There’s no fucking way— Lily would die before she got in a car with James. And also, I don’t even think she can drive.”

“Just ask, Moons— this is for James’s safety! What if the actually James was kidnapped, and the one I heard on the phone was just a skinwalker-copy!”

Remus groaned. “You are such a fucking idiot.”

Despite saying that, Remus immediately opened up his own phone, clicking on Lily’s contact and sending a very direct message.

‘Remus: are you with james rn?’

Lily responded almost instantly.

‘Lils: HELL NO

NO

NEVER

NEVER ASK ME THAT EVER AGAIN REMUS JOHN LUPIN

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE’

Remus rolled his eyes.

‘Remus: jesus christ

alr then

never mind (eye roll emoji)’

“What’d she say?!” Sirius asked curiously.

“‘Hell no, nope, never.’” Remus quoted back to them. Peter snickered.

“That doesn’t mean she’s telling the truth,” Sirius smirked, “What if she answered your text, mid fuck, and was just lying?”

Remus dropped his head and shook it with disappointment.

“Imma pretend like I didn’t hear you say that.”

“Well, I’m running out of options here— who else is James friends with?”

“Uh, the whole fucking school? Have you ever met him?”

“Guys—“ Peter tried to interrupt them, but they didn’t listen.

“Yes the fuck I have, bitch— we’re basically brothers! He should tell me when he abandons me for some side hoe!”

“Does that make you his main hoe?”

“Guys, can we please pay for our yogurts now—“

“Hell yeah it does!”

“Then why don’t you know where your main hoe is?”

“I do! I have his fucking location!”

“Pleaseeee guys,” Peter whined, “This is supposed to be my apology gift!”

“Hey, you can’t be talking either, Wormy,” Sirius spun on his heel, suddenly deciding he was feeling like pissing everyone off today, “You’ve been abandoning us too!”

Peter look shocked, his jaw dropped to the floor.

“Me?!”

“Yes, you! I’m surprised you haven’t been texting Melody this whole fucking time!”

“Hey! Fuck off, dick—“

“Alright, alright—“ Remus stood in between the two, suddenly realizing how annoying it was to hear your friends argue. God, they needed to give Peter and James a break. Remus reached into Sirius pocket, ignoring the way the boy instantly began to flail around as Remus fished out his wallet.

“No more fighting— let’s go buy our cups.”

“Thank god.” Peter moaned as Remus ignored the nasty stink-eye Sirius was sending his way.

Hey, in Remus’s defense, Sirius already offered to pay! What he did wasn’t stealing, it was just speeding up the process.

Sirius continued to scowl until they got to the cashier, where he seemed to perk up at memory of the competition.

“Could we each weigh ours individually first? We just want to see who’s the biggest.” Sirius asked the lady at the front with his classic “talking to adults” smile. Sometimes, Remus forgot how much of a manipulative asshole his friend could be.

The lady obviously agreed, taking Sirius’s first and narrowing her eyes at the weight on the screen.

“Okay, son— yours isss… twenty ounces!”

“Okay, okay,” Sirius nodded, “You’re next, Wormy.”

Peter obliged, replacing his cup with Sirius’s and waiting for his weighing.

“Okayyy… this one’s eighteen ounces— sorry honey.”

Sirius whooped as Peter dropped his head, sulkingly walking to stand behind Remus with his eighteen-ounce cup in hand.

Remus went last, placing his down on the scale with absolute confidence. His certainly didn’t look like the biggest, but he knew it had to be the heaviest— those idiots didn’t understand how weight worked.

The lady smiled as she read Remus’s weight. “Can I get a drumroll, please?”

Sirius instantly began banging on the table, absolutely shinning from all the attention. He loved it when service workers played along with his bullshit.

“And finally, the chocolatey one comes in atttt… twenty-two ounces! Congratulations to the tall boy in the cute sweater!”

Remus threw his hands in the air with a cheer as Sirius yelled.

“WHAT?! HOW?!”

“Because you’re an idiot! I’m just better!”

“This is unfair!” Sirius threw his arms around wildly, “I want a recount!”

“No recounts, sore loser— I’m paying now!”

Sirius looked like he would’ve complained further, but didn’t solely because he didn’t want to embarrass himself in font of the grandma at the register.

“Okay boys, you’re all set! Thanks for coming in tonight!”

“It was a pleasure,” Sirius replied, getting over himself at record speed and going back to his usual charming self, “I hope to see you again!”

The woman laughed warmly as Remus and his friends walked out of the building, moving to sit at one of the metal tables out front to wait for James.

“Alright, while I still think your win was bullshit,” Sirius mumbled through a mouthful of frozen yogurt, his spoon pointed at Remus accusingly, “Let’s get back to the important topic. What car is James gonna pull up in?”

“I say Fabian or Gideon.” Remus replied.

“I say his mom and dad.” Peter added on.

“And I think you’re all wrong— it’s gonna be Lily! She’s lying!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “No she’s not, fuckwad— trust me. She’d literally never.”

“No, I’m not gonna trust you— I know I’m right.”

“And I know you’re wrong— case closed—“

“Okay fine, if you’re so sure, why don’t we make it a bet?”

Peter seemed to shiver at mention of bets.

“Oh, I’m not playing this game— I still owe Sirius from our last bet. I’m—“

“$17.49 in debt.” Sirius completed Peter’s sentence for him with a smirk, making Remus scoff.

“Why the fuck did y’all bet $17.49? That’s such a weird ass fucking number.”

“Why are you such a hater? Do you have to criticize everything I do?”

“Holy shit, guys—“ Peter began pointing towards a random car, but no one payed him any attention.

“Yes, actually, I do. You’re a very criticizable guy.”

“Guys, look—“

“Oh really? Am I?”

“Yes, really—“

“GUYS!” Peter finally yelled, snapping Remus and Sirius to attention, and directing their gazes towards the car he was pointing at— a red Bronco.

“Wha—“ Remus started, but stopped himself short when he saw who was in the drivers seat.

No fucking way.

Pulling up in front of the frozen yogurt place and rolling down the window was none other than James fucking Potter, sitting in a brand new— very expensive— car, and grinning wildly at each and every single one of them.

“Check it out, guys— Dad got me a new car!”

“HOLY SHIT!” Sirius gasped, running around to the other side of the car and immediately swinging open the passenger seat door, “I CALL SHOTGUN!”

Peter ran after Sirius with his cup still in hand, jumping into the back seat with a laugh.

“James,” Remus said slowly, still observing the car while simultaneously ignoring Sirius’s antics completely, “This is so cool.”

“I know, right,” James smirked, “And it’s red!”

“Hell fucking yeah it’s red! How much did this cost?!”

“Ehh, who knows,” James waved him off, “That’s unimportant.”

“Well, what are you gonna do with Judy (the dumbass name James had given the sedan, by the way)?!” Remus asked, genuinely curious.

“Oh, yeah!” James smiled, “About that, could you give me the keys?”

Remus nodded, fishing the keys from his pocket and throwing them to James, who caught them easily in one hand.

As soon as James had them, he threw them back at Remus, who fumbled and caught them again with much less grace than James.

“I— what?” Remus stuttered, looking at James as he got a hold on the keys.

“They’re yours!” James beamed.

“I— the keys?”

“No, not just the keys, dummy,” James rolled his eyes, but he didn’t really seem all that annoyed, “The whole car— I’m giving it to you!”

“WAIT WHAT?!” Sirius yelled, popping his head out from behind James. James just nodded excitedly.

“Yep! I have a new car, so I’m letting Moony have the old one!”

“James,” Remus stared blankly at James, almost at a loss for words, “You can’t just give someone a fucking car— there’s like, insurance, and shit— I don’t even know.”

“What do you mean— Mr. Beast does it all the time! And don’t worry about insurance, I bet my mom’ll take care of that!”

“James, I can’t—!“

“Yes you cannn, Moons!” Sirius yelled, a massive smile on his face, “Think of all the places you could drive me!”

“God,” Remus grimaced, “That sounds like a fucking nightmare!”

“Aww, love you too, Moons—“

“Please take them, Remus,” James interrupted, suddenly serious, “Really, that car’s all paid for. It’s all yours, man.”

Remus actually had to bring his hand to cover his mouth and compose himself— he was honestly about to cry.

“James, I don’t even know how to thank you,” Remus said, his words muffled through his hand, “This is genuinely the nicest thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Awww,” Sirius cooed from the passenger seat before moving to abruptly burst out of the car, “Moony’s gonna cryyy!”

“No i’m not.” Remus shook his head firmly, moving his hands to cover his entire face.

Jesus christ— there was no way he was gonna cry in front of those idiots. He literally wouldn’t let it happen— they’d never let him live it down.

“Moonsss!” Sirius smirked, tackling Remus into a hug as he stayed with his face covered. James immediately came to join them as well, celebrating about finally having a group hug or some shit.

Remus may talk shit about his friends, but every once in a while, he remembers they are the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He really can’t imagine his life without those fucking idiots.

“Alright guys, not trynna ruin the moment or anything, but our ice creams melting—“

“Shut the fuck up, Peter.”