Would You Rather

Remus hated Gamepidgeon. Genuinely hated it. What the hell was even the point?

It was like a death sentence. If someone sends one, you basically end up in an unbreakable bind, where you’re forced to send them back and forth until you finally just block the other person and tell them to fuck off.

Luckily, there’s only two types of people Remus had encountered that still send Gamepidgeons: middle school boys, and Sirius Black.

Honestly though, there wasn’t much of a difference between the two.

To make matters even worse, the asshole in question was currently sitting right next to Remus, waiting for him to answer his 8-ball request.

Remus turned himself slightly in his chair, giving his friend the nastiest side eye he could muster. Sirius just smirked and pointed at his phone, as if Remus was unaware he had sent him a text.

Unable to refuse, Remus eventually sighed, sliding very himself suspiciously farther down into his seat until he was at a full slouch, his phone in his lap. Sirius snickered, and Remus attempted to shush him with a finger to his mouth. It semi-worked.

The last thing Remus needed was to have Mrs. Mcgonagall catch him on his phone. She had a history of reading texts allowed, and Sirius was known for sending some weird ass shit. It wasn’t worth the risk.

He opened his phone and clicked on the 8-ball thingy, sighing as he pulled back the little pole in the corner and broke the balls, sending them flying all around his screen. Remus didn’t get anything in, but he didn’t really care. With a shrug, he motioned towards Sirius, who answered with far more joy and enthusiasm than any seventeen year old playing Gamepidgeon should.

Remus really did try to pay attention in his classes. Really, he did. The problem was his annoying ass friends, who never missed an opportunity to distract him.

Remus couldn’t even so much as pick up his book to read the chapter they were assigned, without Sirius trying to get him to play Smash or Pass with the teachers.

So really, it wasn’t his fault. He tried.

After a couple more minutes of listening to Mcgonagall go on about some random grammar rule he definitely wasn’t going to remember, Remus was starting to get impatient.

It wasn’t that he actually wanted to play 8-ball, he just hated waiting— that’s all.

He tapped his fingers on his desk, nudged Sirius with his foot, and even tried whisper yelling, but nothing was breaking Sirius’s intense focus on his screen.

“Sirius!” Remus whispered, trying to lean over to see what his friend was doing. Sirius just snatched the phone away, tediously tipping back in his chair to avoid Remus’s gaze. Remus rolled his eyes and pointed to his phone. “Play the fucking game!”

A few more minutes passed, and at that point, Remus was just getting angry. Who the fuck asks someone to play a game and then just ignores them? An asshole, that’s who.

“Sirius!” Remus tried, much louder this time, but still at a whisper. Sirius just waved him away, and Remus turned in his seat to sulk.

After what felt like genuine years (and absolutely no attempt at note taking) Remus finally felt his phone buzz. Slouching back down again, Remus opened up his phone, only to be met with the dreaded “You Lost!” icon displayed over his game.

…

There was absolutely no fucking way.

Remus gaped and snapped back up to his full height. Pointing accusingly as Sirius.

“YOU FUCKING CHEATER!” Remus must’ve suddenly forgotten he was in a dead silent classroom, and not James’s car, because he literally full on yelled, drawing the attention of absolutely everyone. Sirius just snickered, covering his smile with his hand as Mcgonagall stormed over to their desks. As he watched her approach, Remus decided to accept his fate— it was over for him.

“Mr. Lupin!” Mcgonagall looked as though steam might actually start shooting out of her ears. “I will not tolerate such language in my classroom! Hand over your phone!”

Remus handed it over limply, avoiding eye contact as his precious phone was snatched from his palm. He already knew what was coming.

Mrs. Mcgonagall straightened herself up, brushing off non existent dust from her skirt and crossing her arms. “How would you like it if I read your texts aloud— hm? See what you felt was so important, everyone’s learning should be disturbed?”

There was no use arguing. Remus just shrugged as Sirius wheezed. Whether she was ignoring him, or was just oblivious to it, Remus had no idea.

Mcgonagall marched her way back up to the front of the classroom with Remus’s phone in hand, adjusting her glasses and bringing the device closer to her face to see better. As soon as Remus saw her scroll up, he knew it was over for him.

There was no way this was legal— teachers shouldn’t be allowed to just take a kid’s phone and read their private messages!

He was definitely writing a strongly worded email about this later.

Sirius was literally struggling to breathe as Remus dropped his head to his hands, groaning quietly.

Mcgonagall cleared her throat, her eyes widening at Remus’s screen. “‘You’re looking so baddilicious over there, Moonsicle. Play a game with Daddy?’”

Everyone burst out laughing, and Remus just let his head slam into his desk. Literally kill him.

Unfortunately, Mcgonagall wasn’t done. She scrolled even farther up. “‘Stop studying so hard and play with me, my beautiful princess. My baby girl; my sweetie cheeks—‘“

Honestly, the fact Mcgonagall said all that with a straight face was lowkey impressive. She should become an actor— it could be her backup plan if Remus’s email ends up being convincing enough to get her fired.

“Mr. Black,” Mrs. Mcgonagall’s eyes narrowed threateningly behind her glasses, and the entire class let out a unanimous “ooooooh”, despite the fact they were fucking seniors in high school and not four year olds. “It seems you played a part in this disruption as well?”

Remus wanted to die, but only after he killed Sirius first. He lifted his head to glare at the boy, only to be met with his famous shit eating grin.

“I apologize, Miss,” Sirius said loudly, mockingly holding a hand to his heart as he continued making direct eye contact with Remus. “I just missed my little honey pie!”

Yep, Sirius was definitely getting killed.

Also, Remus still fucking hates Gamepidgeon.

•••

“Moony! Moony, look!” Sirius pointed towards a guy with a dirt bike, setting up behind a massive ramp. Why the hell they had a guy doing dirt bike tricks in their gym at nine AM on a Wednesday, Remus would love to know.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’s shoulders, resting all of his weight onto him. Remus huffed slightly, but eventually adjusted himself. “You should buy me a dirt bike, Moons—“

Remus shook his head, not even allowing Sirius to finish his sentence. “Nope. Buy it yourself, asshole.”

Sirius was probably pouting, but Remus couldn’t exactly see thanks to Sirius’s weird ass position.

That Wednesday was the day their school was announcing the Homecoming nominees, which would have been a much more exciting affair if Remus hadn’t already known most of them.

For one thing, whatever “plan” Sirius had earlier to convince everyone to nominate James and Lily, it fucking worked. Not only had it worked, he’d done it sneakily enough that neither James nor Lily seemed to know who was behind it.

Remus hated to call Sirius a genius, but he had to give some credit where credit was due.

He didn’t know who else got nominated, but he didn’t really care. He already knew who he was voting for.

“If I did get one of those bikes, what color should I get?” Sirius was no longer hanging off of Remus, and was now scrolling through his phone, looking at different models of dirt bikes. Remus rolled his eyes.

“None. You’d 100% end up killing yourself on one of those.”

“Aww, Moony!” Sirius looked up from his phone to give Remus a smile, “I knew you cared!”

Unable to deny, Remus just rolled his eyes again, straightening up to see if he could find James or Lily.

Also, Peter was missing.

Both Remus and Sirius had no clue where he was, but Peter was a big boy; he could find them himself.

Sirius had offhandedly mentioned he might’ve been stuffed into a locker or some shit, but Remus thought that was unlikely. First off, their school didn’t have lockers, and second, he probably wouldn’t fit in one even if they did.

“Moony, what should I name my bike? Moony jr?”

Remus’s eyes narrowed. “Why are you talking about it like you’ve already bought it?”

“Don’t worry about that.” Sirius shut his phone off at record speeds, snapping his head back to the biker on the gym floor suspiciously. Remus sighed and reluctantly followed his gaze.

The bike show thingy was fine— just a little bit stupid. The guy did some flips and shit, but that was it. Genuinely, what the hell was the reason for it? Couldn’t the school spend their budget on better air conditioning instead of biker dudes?

Sirius, of course, loved it— but Sirius is a dumbass, so Remus doesn’t care what he thinks.

Finally, the lights flicked off, causing lots of immature screaming, and signaling the start of the actual assembly.

Their principal, Mr. Dumbledore, ran out into the middle of the gym with a microphone in hand, spinning in circles much too fast for a man his age. He genuinely looked like he was one hundred years old, but Remus was sure he could do a back flip if you asked him nicely.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Dumbledore’s voice boomed through the gym, creating lots of feedback and wincing from the crowd. “Please welcome, Hogwarts 2024 Homecoming Nominations!”

Everyone cheered and Remus rolled his eyes, leaning his head over to whisper to Sirius.

“Why the hell do they make this such a big deal— you’d think these kids had just been nominated to become president or some shit—“

“Shut up, Moons,” Sirius slapped his full palm into Remus’s face, making the boy splutter and slap his hand away. “I’m trynna get a video of James running out!”

Sirius was holding his phone up like a proud mother recording her son’s first play. Remus rolled his eyes, returning his focus to their principal.

First, the Freshman were announced, followed by the Sophomores, and then the Juniors. Finally, It was time for them to announce James and Lily. Sirius sat up straighter, adjusting his phone to get a better shot.

“And for the Homecoming king nominees,” Dumbledore screamed into his microphone, nearly blowing Remus’s eardrums out. “James potter,”

James ran out, followed by lots of cheering and weird ass comments from Sirius about he was “getting it” later tonight. Remus ignored him.

“Gideon Prewett,”

Even more cheers, but Sirius was already turning his phone off, attempting to save his storage for the games. Remus wasn’t surprised Gideon had gotten nominated, but Fabian was definitely going to be sulking about it at work for the next month. Fuck his life. Now Remus was going to have to actually mop the floors without taking smoke breaks.

“And last, but certainly not least… Peter Pettigrew!”

Remus and Sirius’s heads immediately snapped to look at eachother with shocked expressions, neither expecting to hear that name come out of Dumbledore’s mouth.

“WORMTAIL FUCKING GOT IT?!” Sirius yelled over the cheers.”

Remus beamed back at Sirius, fumbling to take his phone out of his pocket to record Peter as fast as possible. “HELL YEAH HE DID!”

Remus only managed to get about two seconds of footage, which basically just consisted of Peter standing in front of Dumbledore while awkwardly waving, but Remus was hoping all the cheering they did made up for the fact that they were shitty friends who didn’t believe in him enough to record. Hey, it was the thought that counted.

The girls were next, which included Lily (obviously), Mary, and Dorcas.

Sirius’s face scrunched up in disgust as he pointed down at the girls. “How the hell did Dorcas get voted? She’s a fucking bitch!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Say that louder, won’t you? I’d just love to see you get jumped by all of her scary ass friends.”

Sirius mimicked Remus’s words back mockingly, but Remus just ignored him.

It was finally time for the games to begin, and this time, Remus and Sirius had both of their phones out so they could record their friends at the same time. They looked like over enthusiastic soccer moms, but that was irrelevant.

“I hope it’s musical chairs again.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You say that every year, stupid.” Sirius shoulder checked him for the comment, nearly making Remus drop his phone. Remus glared, but eventually went back to his original position. “I hope it’s something new— like Trivia.”

“How the hell is Trivia new? They literally do that every year!”

“No the fuck they don’t— when have you ever seen them do Trivia?!”

“Last year,” Sirius started counting on his fingers, “The year before that, the year before that—“

“Is everybody ready!?” Mr. Dumbledore’s loud ass voice thankfully interrupted Sirius, causing the boy in question to pretend to lunge himself at Remus in an attempt to get him to flinch and drop his phone again. It didn’t work, which left Sirius just looking like a fucking idiot.

The crowd all cheered back in unison, and the lights were turned on, allowing people to view the games better.

The way their school called them “The Games”, had always sounded vaguely threatening to Remus. Unfortunately, literally no one agreed.

He should write another email.

Dumbledore began speaking once more as the girls were placed in chairs, and the boys were led to the other side of the gym. Apparently, the seniors were playing first.

Each of the nominees were put into pairs— James and Lily, Gideon and Mary, and Peter and Dorcas.

Remus thinks Sirius must’ve pulled some strings with student council to get James and Lily paired up, but he has no way to be sure. Sirius refuses to confirm or deny.

As Remus looked over to Sirius, he saw the boy was scowling. Remus nudged his shoulder to find out what was wrong.

“Fucking Dorcas is going to crush our precious little Wormy.”

Remus narrowed his eyes at his friend. “What the hell is your problem with her?”

Sirius sassily resumed his finger counting. “She’s a bitch, she’s a big bitch, she’s a big, fat, massive fucking bit—“

“Today’s game will be called ‘Pop the Balloon’!”

Sirius (who had apparently already forgotten about his hatred of Dorcas) and Remus both snorted in unison, leaning in to whisper to each other.

“Real fucking creative, Dumby.”

Remus tried— and failed— to contain his snickering, causing him to nearly collapse into Sirius. This whole assembly was making Remus realize he was a really shitty camera man.

“The boys will be required to grab a balloon from their respective bucket,” Each team had a color— James’s team was red, Peter’s was yellow, and Remus didn’t give a fuck about Gideon’s. “And run across the gym to their partner,—“

“Oh, it’s a running game?” Sirius snorted. “Two bucks says James wins?”

Remus side eyed Sirius in disbelief. “No way in hell I’m taking that bet.”

“— Who will be sitting in those chairs.” The chairs were extremely shitty folding chairs, which looked as though they could collapse at any moment. Remus snickered at the fear on Lily’s face as she apparently made the same observation. “The boys will then place the ballon on their partners lap, and use their bottoms to pop it by jumping backwards on their balloon! Once the balloon is popped, the contestants will run back to their buckets to grab another balloon, and repeat the process over again!”

“Ooh, I like this.” Sirius smirked evilly, making him look like a pathetic disney villain. “You and me should play this when we get home, Moons. I feel left out.”

Remus shook his head, ignoring Sirius’s disappointed huff. “Abso-fuckin’-lutely not.”

“The first to pop all five balloons will be the winner!” Loud cheers erupted throughout the bleachers as Remus watched the way James’s face lit up, realizing he’d be jumping on Lily’s lap. Fucking freak.

Lily, on the other hand, looked about five seconds away from suicide. Remus considered going down to rescue her, but then he remembered he was too lazy to do all that.

“On your marks,” Dumbledore broke the sound barrier once again, making Remus wince. Their school really needed to invest in better speakers, otherwise Remus might have to sue them for potential ear damage.

“Get set,” James looked way too fucking excited about this. Poor Lily.

“Go!”

Watching boys aggressively jump on girls’ laps for thirty minutes felt extremely wrong, in ways which Remus could explain in great detail if he cared enough to do so. Unfortunately, he didn’t, so he’ll just leave it at that. There was absolutely no way this was legal.

James and Lily had won— but only at the expense of Lily’s dignity, and the old ass folding chair’s wellbeing.

That piece of shit literally snapped after one bounce, leaving James to quickly convince Lily to just lie there in the scraps while he continued popping the balloons. Remus wouldn’t be surprised if she broke a hip. Why she even agreed to stay there in the first place, he’ll never know.

The whole thing looked extremely weird. Like, “restraining order” type of weird.

To make matters even worse, Remus was forced to listen to Sirius’s “Words of Encouragement”, which consisted of “Keep bouncing on that thing, Prongs!”, “Straddle that bitch! Jump on her forwards!”, and, last but not least, “Just stay on there, Jamie— this might be your only chance!”.

It was torture.

Peter obviously didn’t do to well. Everyone knew he wasn’t a running guy, so it wasn’t much of a surprise.

Remus did record it all, but it was so pathetic, he was considering deleting it.

As for Gideon, Remus was almost 100% sure he was high, which would explain why after popping his third balloon, he just gave up and lied on the floor. Mary looked so disappointed, it almost made Remus laugh.

“Remus, can we please try this after school?” Sirius put on his best whiny, spoiled brat voice and clasped his hands together. “I think I figured out the strategy to it!”

Remus glared at his friend out of the corner of his eye. “And what would that be?”

“Jumping on them forwards! If you just straddled them—“

“Sirius,” Remus silenced him with his hand. “Shut the fuck up. First of all you’re wrong—“

“How—?!”

“Jumping on them forwards would make it harder to get off, so it’d just slow you down. Jumping backwards is smarter.”

“Nu uh!”

Remus groaned. “You can’t just say ‘Nu uh’! I’m right about this!”

“Nu uh!”

“Yea huh!”

“Why don’t we try it when we get home and find out!”

“Fine! Let’s fucking do it!”

Sirius grinned evilly, knowing he had won. “Fine!”

•••

Remus and his friends were attempting to bake a cake for Lily.

Key word— “attempt”.

How the hell they managed to fuck up a box cake with three ingredients, Remus will never know. What he does know, is that Sirius should definitely be using vegetable oil— not wine. Remus snatched the bottle from his dumbass friend’s hand, but Sirius just smiled innocently.

“Just trying to add some flavor, Moons,” Sirius smirked and reached over to try and grab the wine bottle back. Remus extended him arm above his head and held it out of his reach. “The cake’s already ruined, so it’s not like i’m making it any worse—“

“It’s not ruined, Pads,” James interrupted firmly— carefully picking egg shells out of their pathetic bowl. “We just need to take the eggs out and try again!”

“James,” Remus put his fingers to the bridge of his nose and shook his head, “You can’t just take the eggs out of the bowl— we need to buy a new mix and start over—“

Obviously, listening wasn’t James’s area of expertise (much like baking), because before Remus could even get his words out, his idiotic friend was scooping the eggs out of the bowl and plopping them onto the bare fucking counter. Everyone jumped at once.

“James! The counter—!”

“It’s slipping, Prongs—!”

“James, you fucking idiot—!”

Within just a few seconds, the four friends watched, seemingly in slow motion, as the egg slid off of the marble counter and splattered to the floor; right onto a very inconveniently placed rug.

Truthfully, Remus thought it was a terrible idea to have a rug in the kitchen— though he would never say such a thing to Mrs. Potter.

James gasped and brought his hand to his mouth as he stared at the now messy monstrosity of a rug.

“That was an original piece from India,” James mumbled through his hand, making Sirius, Remus, and Peter all snap their heads to gape at one another, “One of my dad’s old friends made that for him!”

“James—!”

“—he’s dead now.”

… Oh wow.

That fucking idiot.

“James! What the fuck is wrong with you!” Remus was staring at his friend, wide eyed and unsure what to do.

He takes back he previous statement—Remus should definitely say something to Mrs. Potter about placing a priceless fucking rug in the kitchen. Genuinely— what the hell did she think would happen?

Sirius seemed to be shocked into silence, which was an extremely difficult thing to achieve.

Peter, of course, looked terrified, but that was no surprise— Remus was pretty sure that was just Peter’s default setting.

“Everyone, calm down,” James put his hands out as if he was conducting a rowdy crowd of children. He basically was, if Remus was being honest. “We can fix it— I have an idea!”

Remus should’ve known James idea was going to be stupid— they always were. He just wasn’t expecting this level of stupidity.

Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously at James’s phone screen. “So, you’re telling me we should listen to this random little British carpet cleaner you found on Tik Tok?”

“Yeah, they’re great!” James smiled brightly, as if that was the most obvious solution. “I used one of those videos to get slime out of my blanket one time!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Of course you’d be the one to get slime on your blanket—“

“—We just have to look up ‘How to get egg out of a rug’. I’m sure something will come up.”

Sirius looked unsure, which was rare. Usually he just blindly agreed to whatever James said. Apparently, all the time he’s been spending with Remus has changed him for the better. Only took four years. “There’s no fucking way— I don’t believe it.”

Well, apparently there was a fucking way, because there just so happened to be a ridiculous amount of little British kids on Tik Tok with egg removal tutorials.

Remus fucking hates Tik Tok.

“I swear to god, that little bitch has used the word ‘excess’ like forty times.”

Sirius snorted. “Her accent’s so funny.” He put on his best little British accent, and stared saying “excess” an excessive amount of times. Remus tried taking a swing at him, but unfortunately, Sirius dodged with a laugh.

James was still diligently watching his phone— kneeling on the rug with a spoon in his hand.

“Now, this may take a couple of hours—“

“HOURS!?” James shouted at his phone, like a fucking idiot.

Sirius snickered, and Remus rolled his eyes, pointing down at James’s phone from where he stood above him. “Shut up and listen to the British person.”

“She said to scrape it up, Prongs,” Remus and Sirius had taken to becoming supervisors, directing James in his work. “So scrape that shit up! I still see some yolk!”

James shot Sirius a glare or two, but altogether, he took his bullshit incredibly well. Remus really needed to get a lesson from him on patience.

James was going back and forth between pouring dish soup and water onto the egg spot, and using his finger to rub it in.

“Rub that shit in, Prongs! Use some elbow grease!”

Remus cringed. “You’re using that saying right, and yet it still sounds so wrong.”

The egg was definitely fading, but it was still obvious that it had been there. If only James’s hadn’t dropped it on the most brightly colored, weirdly woven rug Remus had ever seen. There was too much “excess” in all the little nooks and crannies, and not enough spoons to scoop it all up.

Peter had finally returned from the pantry, just to look skeptically down at the rug, and spill crumbs literally everywhere. Remus cringed as some got in James’s hair. Poor guy.

“James, I don’t think it’s working—“

“It’s working, Wormy!” Sirius loudly interrupted. “Stop distracting James from his work,” Sirius snatched the chips from Peter’s hand, “And get these fucking chips out of here!”

Sirius threw the bag of chips over the counter (definitely causing them to fly everywhere) and shook the crumbs out of James’s hair. Peter pouted at his lost snack, but made no effort to go retrieve it.

Clearly, Sirius was getting impatient. No shock there— Sirius never liked waiting. Remus watched as his friend plopped down on the floor next to James, snatching the spoon out of his hand.

James tried to argue, but Sirius wouldn’t give him the chance.

“Moony, get down here and record me.”

Remus grimaced. “Uh, why?”

“I want to make one of the Little British Carpet videos! Get your ass down here!”

That was how Remus and his friends ended up huddled over James’s kitchen counter, completely abandoning the hardening egg to write Sirius a script.

“No, Sirius,” James pointed at a line Sirius had written in his perfect, looped handwriting on one of Remus’s school notebooks. “Switch ‘remaining egg’ to ‘excess’!”

“No, no more excess,” Remus argued uselessly, already knowing no one was going to listen to him. “We’ve already used that word twenty-seven times!”

“You’re still counting?!” Peter’s eyes widened, “I lost track after thirteen!”

“Guys, focus! I need another type of soap to use— we can’t just use dish soap.”

“Yes the fuck we can— that’s what the British person did—“

“Guy, are we ever going to finish the cake?”

Remus was ready to shoot himself. Why on Earth did he ever choose to make such insufferable friends.

“Moony! Drive to the store and buy us some more soap!”

Remus groaned. “Absolutely not—“

“And more cake mix!” James added, throwing his car keys at Remus without looking up from the notebook. Remus fumbled to catch them, looking like a fucking idiot.

“And more chips!” Pete chimed in as well.

Remus groaned even louder, but none of them seemed to even hear.

He really needed new friends.

•••

Hogwarts had always done a Homecoming Parade before the Homecoming game. Was it extra? Yes. Did anyone seem to give a fuck? Clearly not.

To make matters even worse, Remus was all alone. James, Peter, and Lily were all on a float, Sirius was getting ready for the game, and Mary and Marlene were no where to be found. Unless Remus wanted to watch the floats with fucking Snivillus, he was going to be by himself for a while. How fun.

Thankfully, James had let Remus borrow his car, so now he was sitting on top of the red piece of shit, waiting for his friends to walk by.

“LOOPS!” A familiar voice shouted through the crowd, making Remus’s head snap to the left to search for its owner. Marlene McKinnon was sprinting towards him, decked out entirely in frat boy attire: backwards hat, baggy shirt, and basketball shorts with the boxers peaking out from underneath. Frat boy was the theme for the game, which was dumb ass hell, but Sirius insisted that Remus wear a backwards hat for the occasion. The hat said “Football Mommy” on the back with a big heart on the side. Why the hell Sirius had this, Remus didn’t want to know.

“Hey, Marlene.” Remus greeted her with a smile, “Love the fit.”

“Thanks, man!” Marlene dapped him up, as she always did. Remus found she was pretty much the only person he didn’t mind that did that. “Love yours too!”

She jumped up in one not so graceful motion to join Remus on the hood of the car, leaning over to read the back of his hat. She instantly snorted. “‘Football Mommy’? Let me guess— Black?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Dint ding ding! Incredible guessing skills, Marls.”

Marlene laughed, fully and unapologetically. Remus wouldn’t be surprised if the whole school could hear her. “Black is such a fucking character.”

Remus groaned. “Tell me about. That piece of shit nearly convinced me to wear a wife beater and a gold chain with a dollar sign as well.”

The parade was set to travel through a few neighborhoods nearby the school. Remus wanted to see the start, so he chose to park in the neighborhood closest to where it would begin. Unfortunately, so did the rest of the fucking student body as well. Right now, him and probably a billion other people were all parked in some random church parking lot— just waiting for the floats to pass by. Remus promised Sirius he’d film the whole thing, so he tried to get as close to the street as possible.

“Where’s Mary?” Remus asked, looking over at Marlene, who had begun to scroll through Instagram reels. “I thought you two would be together.”

“Uh, she’s a cheerleader?” Marlene gave him a confused look, as if Remus was joking around with her. “She’s gonna be in the parade.”

“She is?” Remus’s eyes widened, and Marlene snorted. “Since when?!”

“Literally since Freshman year. Have you never looked the cheerleaders before?”

“Not very closely.” Remus replied, his face flushing for reasons he couldn’t even begin to explain. “I’m usually just watching to game. Or fucking around with Peter.”

Marlene seemed to study him for a second, before eventually shrugging with a hum and returning to her reels. Whatever the hell just happened, Remus didn’t like it.

After taking a moment to collect himself, Remus peaked over Marlene’s shoulder, watching as she scrolled through random videos featuring skits, drugs, skateboarding, and weird AI animals merged together with random foods.

Marlene snickered once she noticed him, adjusting her phone to be in between the two of them and turning up the volume just enough for the both of them to hear over the crowd.

They stayed like that for a bit, sharing random comments about the reels, and making dumbass jokes until they finally heard the extremely telling screams and claps, which signaled the parade had begun.

Remus immediately straightened up, retrieving his phone from his pocket to record. Sirius had asked for him to film the whole thing, but there was no fucking way Remus was going to waste his storage like that. Sirius was gonna get what he gets, and he better not complain.

The parade actually started with the cheerleaders. Marlene seemed to be cheering the loudest of everyone, clapping and whooping as the girls passed by.

This time, Remus actually took some time to really inspect the cheerleaders, easily spotting Mary’s curly hair and blinding smile from within the group. He joined in with Marlene’s cheering, though significantly less enthusiastically.

After what felt like hours of waiting (about twenty minutes) the Homecoming King and Queen nominee float began turning the corner.

The theme for the dance was “Under the Sea”, so the entire float had been decorated to look like an underwater scene There were fish and mermaids painted onto the sides, with blue tissue paper strung all around to give it a watery look. It was definitely made by students, if the quality was anything to go by.

Remus fumbled with his phone, ignoring Marlene’s giggles as he struggled to begin recording like an old man. All of the nominees were decked out in dresses and suits— except for James. James was wearing his foot ball uniform without the padding.

Remus would’ve made fun of him for it, but James had been genuinely disappointed he couldn’t dress up for the float because of football, so he kept his comments to himself.

James, Peter, Lily, and the rest of the nominees waved from the top of the float as Remus and Marlene went crazy with their cheers, even going to far as standing tediously on top of James car, and risking causing the entire thing to cave in. It made. a weird creaking noise, but both Remus and Marlene ignored it, and continued yelling for their friends.

James eventually spotted Remus, his smile immediately brightening even more as he pointed and nudged the rest of their friends to alert them of Remus and Marlene’s presence.

They all continued waving and shouting at each other until the float was too far to see, turning into just a weird blue blob driving away in the distance. Marlene and Remus finally sighed, allowing themselves to plop back down onto the hood.

Remus looked over to his friend, smiling at the pure joy in her face. “Want me to drive you to the game?”

Standing in a crowd of over eager fake Frat boys in the student section of the bleachers wasn’t exactly Remus’s idea of “fun”, but Marlene seemed to be enjoying herself well enough.

If only he was with Peter, Remus could’ve totally convinced him to leave and get some fries or something. Marlene, however, was much less swayed by the mention of food.

She had an entirely different way of watching the football games than Remus and Peter— taking Remus out of his comfort zone at the top of the bleachers and down to the senior section.

The Senior section— which was at the very bottom of the bleachers— was basically like a mosh pit without all the jumping and music. It was just a bunch of grown ass kids running over eachother and fighting to see the field. Remus didn’t really have a problem seeing the field, since he could see right over most people’s heads.

“Lupin!” Marlene yelled over all of the noise, dragging him down to her eye level. Marlene was pretty tall for a girl, but it was still an uncomfortable way to be bent. “Wanna go get snow cone? I’m trying to beat the Halftime crowd”

The score was already 21 to 7 with just two minutes until Halftime, so Remus was pretty sure Hogwarts would win.

They were playing against Castelobruxo that night, but their football program had always been shit, so they weren’t much of a threat.

Remus would talk about how good James and Sirius were doing, but without Peter to tell him about it, Remus was a bit lost. They were winning, though, so Remus could only assume they were doing just fine.

“Yeah, sure— but let’s go fast.”

Marlene and Remus all but ran to the snow cone truck, fumbling in their pockets to combine what little money they had. Marlene had two quarters, and Remus had a dollar bill. Unfortunately, he had left his wallet at home. Rookie ass mistake.

“Fuck!” Remus groaned, dropping his head in defeat. “Where are my rich friends when I need them?!”

Marlene looked around the crowd, grabbing Remus arm. “C’mon, there has to be at least someone we know here— let’s just ask them!”

Normally, Remus wasn’t the type to ask people for money like a broke ass bitch, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and Remus really wanted a snow cone.

Marlene and Remus walked around frantically while looking for people they knew, swiveling their head back and forth, probably looking absolutely insane.

Just before they threw in the towel, Remus spotted a very familiar head of red hair.

“Fabian!” Remus yelled, waving his hands in the air and making Marlene jump.

Fabian immediately turned his head and left his friends, hobbling over on his crutches to meet Remus.

“Loopy!” Fabian dapped Remus up, bringing him into an aggressive one armed hug. “What’s up, man?”

Remus internally winced, imagining how the hell to go about this.

“Uh, so,” Remus brought one hand to scratch the back of his head awkwardly. “Me and Marlene were trying to get some snow cones, but we don’t have enough money. Would you be able to—“

“Hell yeah, Loops!” Fabian yelled suddenly, making both Remus and Marlene jump with surprise. “You finally got yourself a girlfriend!”

“Uh, no—“

Fabian ignored him, slinging the arm not holding a crutch over Remus’s shoulders. “Of course I’ll buy you and your girl snow cones! Next time you take her on a date though, you should probably bring some money. It’s bad manners to not have enough to pay for your date. I thought you’d know this kind of stuff, Lupin— you’re better than this!”

“Well—“

“Here, take this.” Remus was starting to wonder if he had gone invisible, or if Fabian was just ignoring him. Fabian released Remus and reached into his front pocket to grab his wallet, retrieving a twenty dollar bill. Fabian slapped the money aggressively to Remus’s chest, making Remus fumble to grab it. “Just remember, you owe me for this, man!”

Before Remus could even get another word out, Fabian was hobbling away again, leaving Marlene and Remus twenty dollars richer and extremely confused.

“What the hell just happened?”

Remus sighed.

“I literally have no idea.”

Two snow cones, and one battle to get back to the front of the bleachers later, Marlene and Remus were ready to watch the Halftime show.

Marlene reached over with her spoon, stealing a massive spoonful of Remus’s snow cone. She immediately hummed after taking a bite, nodding her head enthusiastically.

“What flavors did you pick?!”

Remus side eyed her, leaning over to keep his cup out of her reach. “Blue Razz Berry, Tigers Blood, and Piña Colada.”

Marlene tried to take another spoonful, but Remus moved it out of her reach, extending his arm in the opposite direction, and nearly hitting the person sitting next to him in the face. They tried cussing him out, but Remus ignored them. “Eat your own— you’ve got a big ass snow cone right in front of you!”

“But yours is better,” Marlene whined, “Please, Lupin— switch with me?”

“Hell no! This is mine— I bought it!”

“No, Fabian bought it!” Marlene tried snatching it again, but fell just a bit short, “Lupin! Please!”

Remus groaned as dramatically as he possibly could, moving his snow cone back to his lap and rolling his eyes. “Fine. We’ll share.”

Marlene cheered and immediately started eating. Remus watched as his snow cone disappeared in front of his eyes with a scowl.

Remus decided to try some of Marlene’s, but nearly spit it out.

“Marlene, what the hell did you do to it?!”

“What do you mean?” Marlene looked up innocently, still eating Remus’s snow cone.

“What did you even put in this?”

“Umm,” Marlene stared up to the starry sky to think. “Mango, Orange, and Tropical Berry.”

Remus cringed. “Why did you make it so fruity?!”

Marlene snorted. “I was feeling tropical!”

They were eventually interrupted by the announcer shouting over the loud speakers, quieting the entire stands aside from some giggles and claps.

“Hellooooo Hogwarts!” Everyone cheered and the announcer continued. “Are you ready to find out the winners for Homecoming court?!”

This was the part of the game Remus was most excited about. As they watched the nominees file out onto the field, Remus and Marlene cheered so loud, he wouldn’t be surprised if their voices were gone the next day.

Since all of the senior nominees got little intros which were done by the announcer, Remus and Sirius stayed up late on FaceTime attempting to write speeches for their two best friends. They were decent at best, but it was fine. Hopefully.

It seemed to take forever for them to get to the seniors, and Remus was getting impatient. If the announcer had taken any longer, Remus probably would’ve walked up there, knocked the dude out, and done it himself.

“And now, the nominees for Homecoming King and Queen!” This one got the loudest cheers, but that was no surprise. “We’re going to start by introducing you to our friends down there, and help you get to know them a little better!”

Remus watched James wave up at the stands like an idiot, with Lily looking surprisingly happy by his side.

“First, we have Gideon Prewett!” Remus rolled his eyes. Of course they’d start with him. “A fantastic brother, and an even better friend. Gideon enjoys spending his time playing basketball, hanging out with his brother, and eating.”

Boooooringggg.

“Next, we have Dorcas Meadows!”

Ughhhh.

”She’s an icon, a legend, and a fashion expert.”

Debatable.

”Dorcas is most likely to be found at Dunkin’ donuts, or the Mall. She’s is a friend to all, and is always there to lend a helping hand.”

Very debatable.

“Next up, Peter Pettigrew!” Finally! Remus and Marlene both jumped up, giving their friend a standing ovation.

“Peter Pettigrew is quite an interesting critter.” The crowd all let out a laugh. “He’s a man of nothing but whimsy and joy— and a frequent patron of James Potter’s pantry. His hobbies include going to Walmart, avoiding his homework, and asking his friends for rides. He is also 6’5, in case anyone in the audience was wondering.”

Everyone laughed and clapped for Peter, whose cheeks had turned a bright shade of red.

Marlene snorted. “Yours and Black’s work?”

Remus nodded, unable to contain his smile as Marlene laughed.

“I almost feel bad for Mary and Lily— the intros I wrote for them are shit—“

“Mary Macdonald!” The announcer shouted, interrupting their conversation. “A diva, and a queen. A girl with fantastic hair, beautiful eyelashes, and an insane face card.”

Remus rolled his eye with a snicker. “Your writing has a very strong voice.”

Marlene snickered. “I know damn well you’re not talking, Lupin.”

“And for the last King nomination, we have James Potter!” They stood up again to cheer, pretending to swoon as James shot them a wink. He was still in his football uniform, looking sweaty as hell next to everyone else. Poor guy.

“James Potter— truly the goofiest dude in this stadium, and also probably the blindest. James Potter is famously known for being the CEO of Amazon, is the most powerful Mafia boss in the country, and often donates millions of dollars to dog shelters in his free time. He also loves reading Feminist literature, has a Hellcat, and is 6’6.”

The intros definitely weren’t Remus and Sirius’s best work, but they were on a time crunch, so they’d have to do. And anyways, the crowd seemed to love it, if their laughter was anything to go by. Honestly, Remus was shocked the Mafia boss thing actually got passed by the school.

“Really?” Marlene raised an accusing brow at Remus, “‘Feminist literature’?”

“It was Sirius, I swear!” Remus raised his hands in surrender, “We didn’t have enough time to come up with anything better!”

Marlene rolled his eyes, and Remus took that as approval.

“Last, but certainly not least, we have Lily Evans. A goddess, an angel, and an absolute genius. You’ll never catch Lily having anything less than a perfect score on any test, and is an incredible friend as well. Also, her hair is awesome.”

The crowd laughed and cheered as Remus side eyed Marlene.

“What!” She yelled defensively, “It is! Have you not seen it?!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m not blind— I just think you could’ve done better.”

“Oh really? Mr. ‘Feminist Literature’; ‘Interesting Critter’; ‘Patron of—“

“Okay, okay, I get it— we both suck.”

“And now, for Hogwarts Homecoming 2024 King and Queen. Drumroll please!” The entire stadium started banging on their legs and the bleacher in anticipation. The announcer stalled for a bit, before he finally shouted once again.

“JAMES POTTER AND LILY EVANS!”

•••

“Moony, Moony, I have a question!” Sirius spun around in his seat, Chipotle bowl in his hand and James’s crown on his head. They had gotten food after the game (48-14 win, but the way) and were now just sitting in the car, letting James and Sirius’s sweaty stench fumigate them all. Why they still smelled after taking showers, Remus had no idea.

“If it’s a Would You Rather que—“

“Would you rather,” Sirius completely ignored him and barreled on. “Be the king of a random country, but all of your subjects absolutely hated you, and the way they show their hatred is by showing up to your castle and rubbing their dicks on all of your windows. Also, you are strapped into a chair and forced to watch this every day, so you just have to see a bunch of cocks sliding around on your window. Also, the country is all men, so it’s a lot of cocks.”

James snickered. “Don’t threaten him with a good time—“

“OR, you could become a really famous actor—“

“Really?” Remus groaned, “Another actor one—?”

“—But all of your paparazzi and fans are massive, mutated bees, which sting you if they don’t get a perfect picture. Basically, these big ass bees would just be constantly stinging you.”

“Sirius,” Remus groaned even louder, dropping his head to his hands and letting them muffle his words. “I’m allergic to bees.”

“Yeah, I know!” He sounded way too cheery about that. “So, which one?!”

Remus sighed, and lifted his head to stare at his friend, whose hair was dripping water all over his food. Fucking nasty.

“I guess… the cock one.”

“Reeeeally?” Sirius smirked, and Remus already regretted his answer. “Interesting choice, Moons! Can’t say I agree with you, though— I personally would go with the bee one.”

The rest of the car nodded their heads.

“Yeah, of course you would, you fucking asshole.” Remus rolled his eyes, letting his voice raise a couple of notches. “That’s because you wouldn’t swell up and die if one stung you!”

Sirius snorted. “You wouldn’t die, you fucking drama queen—“

“Me?! A drama queen?!” Now Remus was actually yelling, ignoring the way all of his friends were giggling at him like little school girls. “Have you ever fucking met yourself?! Who the hell do you think you are— and how the hell would you know whether or not bees wouldn’t kill me? What if they did?!”

“See what I mean?” Sirius stage whispered to James in the drivers seat, using his thumb to point at Remus. “Drama Queen—”

“I AM NOT A DRAMA QUEEN!”