Would You Rather

First of all, before Remus says anything, he just wants to mention that he has no fucking clue what the hell dry cleaning is. Like, deadass, what the fuck? Cleaning with no wet? Dry? What the fuck did that mean?

He could just look it up, but that would hurt his ego and give him nothing to complain about, so he’s choosing to live the rest of his life in ignorance.

Also, because of his lack of knowledge about dry cleaning, it was now the day of Homecoming, and Remus had no suit. Well, actually, all of his friends had no suits— but they were all irrelevant at the moment.

Just a couple of days ago, Sirius and James pulled up to Remus’s house and asked to take his suit. Obviously, Remus said hell no, but then they explained that Mrs. Potter payed for all of their suits to be “Dry cleaned”, and if Mrs. Potter thought it was a good idea, it probably was. Now, a few days— and one phone call about how the dry cleaning place somehow lost literally all of their suits— later, Remus and his friends were being forced to go suit shopping.

Definitely not an ideal situation to be in.

To make matters even worse, literally everyone was in a bad mood.

Shocker.

“Maybe if we went to the dry cleaning place and asked to look, we could—“

“Shut the fuck up, Peter.”

Wow. Sirius wasn’t even using nicknames. This was getting serious.

…

Ha.

“Hey!” James yelled, his eyes never leaving the road, “Leave Pete alone. We’re all angry right now, but there’s no reason to fight. It’s not any of our faults.”

…

Debatable.

“Well—“

“You too, Lupin.” James quickly cut him off, “No fighting.”

That was pretty much how the entire morning had gone so far. Someone would say something stupid, then someone else would snappily respond, and finally, James would yell at everyone. Very fun.

In all honestly, Remus was surprised at how calm Pete was being about the whole situation— he was the only one of them with an actual date. If the rest of them couldn’t manage to get suits, their only consequence would be wasting money on tickets. If Peter couldn’t get a suit, he was definitely putting his potential relationship at risk.

Speaking of his potential relationship, Peter and Melody had been texting pretty much non stop ever since the proposal. Remus would think it was sweet, if Peter wasn’t so insufferable about it.

Peter’s been having a bit of a power trip about being the only one with a date, which has made him probably one thousand times more annoying than usual.

His constant mumbling about football had suddenly been transformed into 24/7, unsolicited relationship advice, such as “Always pretend the girl is right, even if she’s wrong”, or “Be sure to always text them Good morning and Goodnight, because they get mad if you forget”.

It wasn’t even good advice— Peter was just being a little shit!

During James and Sirius’s practices, Remus could never decide whether he should fling himself off of the bleachers head first, or just chuck Peter off instead.

It was like being held at gunpoint. Blue pill or red pill type of shit.

You can’t even tell Peter to shut up, either, because he’ll just say, “Well, I don’t see you with a date, Remus, so maybe you should listen to me instead of complaining.”

Like, the audacity?! The attitude?! Genuinely, who the hell did that little bitch think he was?!

Remus crossed his arms, sliding down in his seat in an attempt to make himself disappear.

Sadly, it didn’t seem to work.

Sirius turned around in his seat and scoffed, rolling his eyes at Remus.

“Stop sulking, fatass.”

Remus resisted the urge to beat the shit out of that asshole. Sirius better watch his fucking back— there was nothing stopping Remus from strangling him from behind. The idea was sounding awfully appealing.

Sirius’s aggression was another struggle of the morning. He couldn’t help but start fights. Over literally anything. What the hell was his problem? Literally who knew. Remus didn’t care enough to find out.

Remus’s jaw dropped, his mouth gaping. “‘Sulking’?! What do you mean— I’m just sitting here quietly!?”

“Nu uh— you’ve been back there huffing and puffing all dramatically this whole time. It’s distracting, and its annoying the shit out of me—“

“I am not huffing and puffing!” Remus interrupted, defending himself loudly, “I literally haven’t done anything!”

“Guys,” James tried interfering with a sigh, leaning his head against the steering wheel and closing his eyes, “Please stop—“

“Yeah, but your version of ‘not doing anything’ pisses me off. You start sinking down in your seat, rolling your eyes, sighing 24/7—“

“Lies!” Remus sat up straight once again, moving his hands to point accusingly at Sirius, “Pete, tell him he’s lying!”

Peter’s eyes widened, and his hands immediately were brought up in defense— his precious phone dropped onto his lap. “Don’t bring me into this!”

“GUYS!” Everyone was immediately silenced by James’s outburst, turning quietly to to sit normally in their seats. “SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE’RE DONE— THIS IS DONE! NO MORE!”

The car was silent for a while, with the only sounds being the loud ass air conditioner, and Peter’s mouth breathing. It wasn’t often that James truly got angry— Remus could genuinely count the number of times on one hand. Therefore, when it happened, it kinda felt like your favorite teacher yelling at you for the first time. It was a bit jarring.

Remus looked up at the sound of ruffling to see Sirius sending him one final glare through the gap between the headrest and the seat, turning back around to type furiously on his phone. Remus ignored him, having to hold back a sigh, refusing to prove Sirius’s earlier point right. That fucking asshole.

Unfortunately, all of that restraint left his body as he felt his phone buzz.

Rneus begrudgingly pulled his phone out of his back pocket with a huff, clicking on the notification. Sirius had sent Remus a text, featuring a terrible, awful angled picture he must’ve just taken of James, which had been edited to have little drawn on devil horns and angry eyebrows. There was also a message underneath, which just said, “Angy ahh mother fucker.”

…

“Angy ahh mother fucker”? Was he four?

Remus wanted nothing more than to roll his eyes and return to his act of silence, but unfortunately, his body decided to betray him. Remus couldn’t contain an amused snort, immediately bringing his hands up to cover his laughter.

It wasn’t even funny. Why the hell was it so funny if it wasn’t funny?

Sirius turned back around, allowing Remus to just see his eyes through the gap between the headrest. He looked like a fucking idiot. He was a fucking idiot.

…

Remus could help it— he burst out laughing.

Sirius joined in soon after, leaving James and Peter to stare at the giggly pair with matching looks of confusion.

“What?” James raised an eyebrow behind his glasses, “What are you guys laughing at?”

That just made them laugh even harder to the point of wheezing, unable to stop long enough to explain.

“Guys, please,” James was switching between looking at the two of them and looking at the road— apparently trying to decide which one was more important at that moment. “I’m feeling left out— what are we laughing about? I wanna laugh too—!“

“Angy ahh mother fucker.” Remus managed to breath out between wheezes, still rendered unable to explain what the hell that sentence meant.

Sirius was basically barking at that point, repeating “Angy” over and over again and nearly breaking the center console from how hard he was hitting on it. James started pouting, and Peter just looked confused as hell.

They were fucking dumbasses. All of them.

The mood for the rest of the day changed after that, and thankfully, they were no longer at each other’s throats.

Mostly.

Instead of directing their anger at each other, they decided to use this as a bonding experience, turning their mutual hatred of the dry cleaning guy into an inside joke.

Every time they tripped, spilled a drink, or somehow managed to drop their Starbucks cake pop out of the fucking car window like an idiot— they would say “John(the dry cleaning guys actual name)‘s fault!”, and laugh about it like a bunch of idiotic children.

By the way, Remus wasn’t even kidding about the cake pop thing. He had no idea how the hell Sirius managed to drop that cake pop out of the window. Like, genuinely, how the fuck does one even do that?! Why the hell was he waving it out of a moving vehicle?

…

John’s fault, probably.

After an aggressive U-turn and another trip through the starbucks drive through, Remus and his friends were finally making their way to the suit store.

Had Remus ever been to a suit store? No. Did he even know such a thing existed? Also no. He was learning a lot about clothes that day.

James and Sirius never failed to make Remus feel like a broke peasant begging his kings for extra bread. Luckily, they were funny sometimes, so it kinda made up for it. They were like jesters— purely existing for other people’s entertainment; sometimes also known as “Annoying, loud ass idiots”.

“Moony, try a bite,” Sirius stuck his second, half eaten cake pop into Remus’s face, making him splutter and attempt to slap the thing away. “It’s good, trust me!” Sirius continued, the slobbery treat returning back in front of Remus’s face, “Try it!”

Remus narrowed his eyes, but Sirius just smiled innocently back. Almost a little too innocently.

“Just the fact you’re offering it up makes this really suspicious.” Remus raised a brow, “What the hell did you do to it?”

“Nothing, you conspiratorial idiot—“ Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically.

“‘Conspiratorial’—?!”

“I was just trying to be nice—“ Sirius interrupted, “Offer a ration of my food as a peace offering; free myself from the shackles constricting my broken heart—“

Remus’s eyes were widening almost impossibly as Sirius continued his dumbass speech. “Genuinely, what the hell are you talking about?! Who the hell possessed you?!”

“Ugh, whatever.” Sirius rolled his eyes again, turning back around in his seat to face the window to his right. “Your loss, Moons!”

Before Remus could even process what the hell was happening, Sirius rolled the window down, stuck the cake pop out into the thrashing wind, and dropped it onto the highway. Everyone jumped at once, but James most especially.

“Sirius, you fucking idiot—!”

“No! Not the cake pop—!”

“STOP DROPPING YOUR FUCKING CAKE POPS!”

This was the second time James had yelled at them in one day— that was probably a record! This time though, no one took him seriously. Sirius just snickered and smirked over at his friend in the driver’s seat.

“I’m being serious, Sirius! I’m not buying you another one!” James looked kinda funny when he was angry— his face got all red and scrunched up. “That was your last one— no more! You made me turn all the way around, get off the highway, and go all the way back through the drive through just to drop it again!”

“Alright, Mom,” Sirius rolled his eyes and sunk down into his seat like a defiant child. “I’m done. No more.”

“Yeah, no shit no more,” Remus commented from the backseat, unable to resist unnecessary instigating. “There’s no more fucking cake pops left— your dumbass dropped them all.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have dropped it if you had taken it!” Sirius attempted to defend himself. “That’s why I was offering!”

“Well, maybe you should’ve led with that instead of sounding like a fucking creep! It felt like an attempted kidnapping! ‘Hey kid, take this half eaten cake pop— I swear I didn’t slobber all over it and lace it with fent—‘“

“I do NOT sound like that— it was a peace offering!”

“Yeah, a sketchy ass peace offering—“

“One more argument, and I’m throwing you both out of this car.” James interrupted their bickering, making both boys go silent instantly, apart from some snickering from Sirius. “I’m not kidding! Last chance!”

“Fineeee,” Sirius rolled his eyes again, making James sigh in defeat. “It was John’s fault, anyway— I wasn’t even the one throwing those cake pops.”

“Yeah right, John’s fault my ass—“

“REMUS JOHN LUPIN!”

Sirius started snickering again, both of the offenders completely ignoring James’s angry rant.

That was three time’s in one car ride— someone alert the authorities. Remus felt like this almost warranted a call to Guinness World Records.

Someone needs to get poor James a cigarette and a glass of wine. He clearly needs it.

The suit place ended up being called “Gladrag’s Menswear”. Dumbass fucking name, but who was Remus to judge— with a name like Remus Lupin, you couldn’t say much.

Gladrag’s was, in the most simplest terms, “manly”. Like, the whole place felt like a cologne ad— or maybe a deodorant one. It was decked out in dark wood, and the lights were turned down really low for no fucking reason. The only areas with actual lighting were around the racks of suits, which seemed to line every single square area of empty space in the store.

It was making Remus feel like he was going blind, and all of his friends’ faces looked really fucking scary.

They had only been in Gladrag’s for about twenty seconds, but Sirius already managed to begin groping a mannequin. Remus sighed, dragging his hand over his face to show his disappointment. Sirius ignored him completely, moving to fully hug the mannequin and hang off of it like an absolute freak. You’d think he’d never been out in public before, the way he was acting.

They were totally going to get kicked out. Remus was already considering pretending like he didn’t know him and running in the opposite direction.

James just laughed, slapping Sirius in the back of the head and side stepping him to look at a rack to his right. Peter hadn’t looked up from his phone once, and had nearly ran into like four people.

They were a fucking mess.

“Sirius, please,” Remus spoke with his hand still over his face, letting it muffle his words. “Stop it.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and thankfully stepped away from the mannequin. “Only because you asked sooo nicely.”

Truthfully, Remus didn’t even know what the hell he was looking for. Was he meant to find his size in the racks, or was he supposed to have it fixed to be his size like some kind of prince. Also, he’d only brought like forty bucks, and the ties he’d seen at the front were $36.99. He was so fucked.

“Can we please just go to Ross?” Remus whined, making Sirius scoff and roll his eyes.

“Hell no! I’m never setting foot in that place— I hate it.”

“Why?” Remus raised a brow, watching the way Sirius skimmed through the jackets, his face oddly focused.

“Because everything there is cheap as hell?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Your entire outfit was thrifted— you can’t be talking.”

“That’s irrelevant,” Sirius waved his hand dismissively and returned his gaze to the racks. “I’m still not going there.”

“Sirius, please,” Remus tried again, “I don’t even have enough money for anything here!”

“I’ll just buy it for you— don’t worry about it.”

Remus rolled his eyes again and groaned. “I can’t just let you pay for me every time—“

“Yes the fuck you can— I could be your sugar daddy—“ Sirius smirked, looking up to meet Remus’s eyes and wiggle his eyebrows. Remus grimaced.

“Never ever say that again.”

“Aw, come on, Moons— I know you’d love for me to be your sugar daddy—“

Remus smacked his hand to Sirius face, effectively silencing him and making him let out muffled laughs like an idiot.

“Also,” Remus didn’t want to get Sirius back on the Ross topic, but he couldn’t help it. He released Sirius from his hand prison. “How the hell do you refuse to go to Ross, but basically live at Walmart? Walmarts way shittier.”

“No— Walmarts convenient. It has everything I need!” Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius continued anyway. “And why the hell would I go to a place that has ‘Dress for Less’ in the name. I don’t want to ‘Dress for Less’, that’s just asking for shitty clothes. It’s like stealing old pizza out of a dumpster, taking a bite, and wondering why it was not as good as someone else’s pizza that had just been bought from Little Caesars, hot and fresh, five minutes ago—“

“Alright, no more.” Remus put his hand up to make him quiet— a less violent, but just as effective method of silencing his friend. “You’ve hit your limit on talking.”

Sirius pouted, but thankfully went back to browsing, allowing Remus to shift his way over to where James and Peter were standing.

Peter was still on his fucking phone, sitting on some random stool (which was literally just a log) and disassociating from the rest of the world. James on the other hand was very intently looking at a display of different colored ties.

“Remus,” James looked up, his eyes magnified by his massive glasses, “Which shade is closest to Lily’s dress?”

Remus had been unsure if James was actually serious about matching his tie color to Lily’s dress, but in hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have been.

Remus sighed and shook his head. “You’re such a creep.”

James didn’t even bother denying the statement, he just sat there, apparently waiting for Remus to give him an answer. Remus sighed once again, this time much more dramatically. Eventually, he pointed very reluctantly to the tie furthest to the left — an almost identical match to the color Lily was wearing. The poor girl didn’t even know what she had coming.

“You’re the best, Remus!” James patted him on the back before snatching up the tie, raising it above his head to inspect. What the hell he was inspecting, Remus had no idea.

Remus decided to try one last time.

“James, can you please take us to Ross?”

James looked away from his tie and scoffed.

“Hell no!”

Remus scowled and shook his head.

It was worth a shot.

Remus had eventually given in and let Sirius buy him a suit. Apparently, you didn’t have to get the suit personally fitted to you by a seamstress, so that was a plus.

The small car was now suddenly very claustrophobic, with every inch being taken up by big ass suits in plastic bags.

“Guys, Melody’s saying I have to pick her up and take her to the dance, so could you get her on the way?”

“Aww,” Sirius jeered, “Our little man’s growing up— asking his papa to pick up his little girlfriend on the way—“

“Shut up, Sirius— you can’t talk. You couldn’t even get a date.”

This was what Remus was talking about! Where the hell did this confidence come from?! Who even was this?!

Sirius gasped and put a hand to his heart, flipping around in his seat to give Peter a glare. “I could’ve gotten a date if I wanted to! Being single was a choice!”

“That’s what they all say—“

“Shut up, Moony!” Remus snorted, and Sirius took a deep breath, preparing himself for a rant. “It was only Homecoming, anyway. I’ve been every year, and every year, i’ve had a date. I just wanted to switch it up! Believe me though, I’ll definitely have a date for Prom.”

“Rightttt—“

“Shut up, Mr ‘I’m too cool to go to Homecoming’.”

“I don’t think I’m too cool,” Remus corrected “I just think it’s fucking stupid.”

“You think everything’s stupid.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Your glass is always half empty.”

Remus furrowed his brows in dismay. “What the hell does that even mean—?!”

“Don’t worry, Pete,” James finally interrupted the argument, causing Sirius to silently turn around in his seat to make faces at Remus. Remus just flipped him off. “I can drop you off.”

“Drop me off—?”

“Oh, I thought you knew everything there was to know about dates, Wormy?” Sirius really never stopped, did he. One day someone needs to punch him in the face. Hopefully, that person will be Remus. “Don’t worry, little buddy— I’ll help you out. Usually, when you go to a dance with someone, they like to get pictures before so they can remember it—“

“Alright, no more. Leave Peter alone, Pads.” James looked back at Peter through the rear view mirror. “She’s gonna want to take pictures with you, and that’ll take a while. I’ll drop you off, and then come get you when you guys are ready to go.”

Peter eyes widened, his old self seeming to come through. “How long is a while?!”

Sirius snorted. “A while.”

“Wow, you’re so helpful—“

“I’m not appreciating the sass, Moony.” Sirius looked over at James and hit his shoulder. “Do you hear all that attitude he’s giving me? Tell Moons to leave me alone.”

James sighed.

“Leave him alone, Remus.”

Remus scoffed, sitting up straight in disbelief at the betrayal. He gestured vaguely towards Sirius, who was now just full on laughing at him.

“He’s had attitude all day! Get mad at him, not me!”

“I am mad at him— but you’re just making things worse.”

Remus rolled his eyes, huffing as he crossed his arms and slumped down in his seat.

Traitors— all of them.

This was all John’s fault.

Getting ready didn’t take them that long— all they had to do was put on a suit and make their hair look slightly better than normal. Remus did have to admit, they definitely looked better than usual. Sirius, or course, took the longest, but that was no surprise.

What was, however, a surprise, was the fact that Lily was randomly face timing him.

James immediately snatched Remus’s phone, gaping at the incoming call on the screen. Remus rolled his eyes. They were all currently piled into James on suite bathroom, waiting for Sirius to finish doing his fucking hair.

Peter was just sitting on the toilet seat, ignoring them all and texting Melody. It was really starting to get on Remus’s nerves.

Sirius raised a brow at Remus in the mirror, but Remus just shrugged, very forcefully having to take the phone back from James’s clutches to answer the call.

“Hey Lil—“

“Remus,” Lily interrupted abruptly, “Walk away from them.”

“Uh—“ Remus looked up at his friends, who all had matching expressions of shock. Even Peter.

“Don’t ask questions, just walk away.”

Shrugging again, Remus sidestepped James to leave the bathroom, ignoring the look of betrayal etched onto his face.

Once Remus had finally left and shut the bathroom door, Lily immediately began speaking.

“My mom wants me to take pictures with him.”

There was no need to clarify who “he” was; anyone with a brain, eyes, and common sense could tell. Remus couldn’t help the smirk that took over his face as Lily groaned dramatically.

“Don’t give me that look— I do NOT want to do this.”

“Rightttt—“

“I’m telling the truth, I swear! She somehow had heard from Mary that I was friends with one of his friends, so now she’s been bothering me non stop about inviting him over— as if i could just fucking call him up and say, ‘Get over here, James, my mom wants to publicly humiliate me for all of Facebook to see—“

“First of all,” Remus interrupted Lily’s ranting. Once she got on the James hate train, she never got off. “If you did say that to James, he would probably leave us all at our death beds to go and be with you.”

“Yeah right—“

“And second— you better be ready, because we’ll be there in like ten minutes, tops. The second Sirius finishes his hair, James is gonna be knocking your door down—“

“Remus! No—!”

“Lily!”, Remus mocked, lightheartedly, raising his voice a couple of octaves, “Yes! See you soon— byeeee!”

“REMUS—!”

Remus didn’t let her finish her sentence, hanging up on her immediately and barreling back into the bathroom.

“James, it’s your lucky day.” Remus sing-songed dramatically.

“Really?!” All of Remus’s friends exclaimed in unison.

James nearly knocked Remus over as he lunged at him, desperate for answers.

“She reconsidered going out with me?!”

“Uh, no.” Remus put up a finger, attempting to interrupt his idiotic friend’s insane thought process. “She wants to take pictures with you.”

James blinked for a couple moments, completely stunned. If this was anyone else, they might’ve been disappointed, but this was James. He was a fucking idiot.

“REALLY?!”

“Well, technically her mom—“

James didn’t let Remus finish, he immediately began shoving them all out of the bathroom, completely ignoring Sirius’s complaints about his un finished hair.

“What’s wrong with it?” Remus asked, one brow raised in amusement as he stared at Sirius’s pouty expression. “It looks fine to me.”

“Pft.” Sirius rolled his eyes, flicking one of Remus’s curls out of his eyes. Remus scowled. “Thanks, Moons, but I don’t think you’re the best guy to ask for hair advice. Genuinely, what the hell do you do to it to make it that fucked up? Did you lose a bet with the devil? ‘Permanent bad hair days in exchange for being tall—‘“

Remus shoved Sirius as hard as he could, blessfully silencing him.

“Alright— I’m never complimenting you ever again.”

“Aww, i’m just kidding, Moony!” Sirius slithered his way back over to Remus, once again making a grab at his apparently fucked up hair. Remus swatted his hand away. “You know I love your curls.”

Remus scowled at Sirius. “I fucking hate you.”

“Love you too, babe.”

“Ew!” Remus shoved Sirius again, though this time less forcefully. Sirius just laughed at him. “Hell no— none of that, please.”

Sirius smirked, unbothered. “How about Honey? Buttercup? Baby? Sweetie—?“

“How about you shut the fuck up—“

“Guys!” James yelled, already somehow down the stairs and swinging his keys around on his finger. Peter was probably already in the car, texting away. “With haste, please! My wife is waiting!”

Remus rolled his eyes, directing his attention away from Sirius to yell down at James. “If you ever call her your wife in front of her, she’ll actually kill you. With her bare hands.”

Sirius snickered, leaning in to whisper at Remus. “Honestly, that’d probably turn him on—“

“Down the stairs, please! Get your fat asses moving! One leg in front of the other—!”

Remus rolled his eyes. making no effort to walk any faster. “He’s so pissy today.”

Sirius nodded earnestly in agreement. “I think he’s butt hurt about Lily— the suit thing was just the last straw. You should’ve seen how mad he was when he got that call this morning- I thought he was about to go on a rampage. Fucking John.”

“I have genuinely heard him yell more times today than I have in my entire life.”

“Eh,” Sirius shrugged. “Debatable. Think Call of Duty, Rocket league, Fifa—“

“You’re so right.” Remus shook his head, suddenly remember all of the holes James had made in his wall from throwing his controller too hard. “He’s a monster.”

“A competitive freak—“

“GUY! C’MON!”

“We’re coming!” Sirius yelled back, rolling his eyes in James direction and making stupid faces. “Jesus fucking christ!”

“COME FASTER, THEN!”

Remus sighed, already prepared for the joke. Low hanging fruit.

“Don’t worry, Daddy—“ Sirius changed his voice into a girlish moan immediately. It was almost impressive. Actually, no it wasn’t. “I’m almost there—“

“Alright,” Remus smacked his palm into Sirius’s face for probably the billionth time that day. “You’re done.”

Twenty minutes ago, if you asked Remus, he’d tell you that James never, EVER, had a chance with Lily. Like, not in a million years. No joke.

Remus hadn’t known Lily all that long, but he knew her well enough to say with a fair amount of certainty that she absolutely hated James.

That was, until about five seconds ago.

Whenever people would say shit like “You could see the love in their eyes,” Remus would tell them to shut the fuck up— but just then, he’d really seen it. Sappy as it may sound, he wasn’t even kidding. Lily fucking liked James!

This was ground breaking news— someone alert the authorities! Again!

That bullshitting liar!

Upon arriving at Lily’s house, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sidelined and forced to stand to the side as Lily’s mother ruffled their friends’ hair, adjusted their poses, and took about forty billion pictures. throughout this entire process, Remus watched in absolute dismay as Lily seemed to almost melt into James— something one would definitely never do with their self proclaimed “enemy.” He was almost positive he even saw her sigh with relief when James wrapped his arm around her.

Why would she lie?! What was she gaining from this?!

He was probably just going crazy. James was finally getting to his head— jumbling his thoughts around and turning him equally as delusional.

Remus leaned over to Sirius, lowering his voice to a whisper. “Am I going crazy, or—“

“Lily 100% has a crush on James, and is a massive liar?”

Remus immediately turned to fully face Sirius, aggressively nodding his head. “Yes— yes! But literally why?! She could’ve just accepted one of his 27 Hoco proposals!”

“Oh, Moons,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Clearly you don’t understand women.”

Remus scowled, only mildly offended. “And you do?”

“Yes, actually.” Sirius put a solum hand to his heart, a shit eating smirk on his face. “I happen to be known by many as, ‘Man Whore’, ‘Slut’, ‘Hoe’—“

“Yeah, yeah, we get it— you’re an asshole.” Remus rolled his eyes, shoving Sirius’s shoulder. “Just continue whatever you were going to say.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes in Remus’s direction, but continued as requested. “Lily’s basically dug herself into her own grave. She’s been hating on James, calling him an asshole, and praying on his downfall for so long that it would seem like admitting defeat if she started liking him. So, instead of just giving in, she’s trying to lock down— keeping herself as far away from James as possible.”

After a few moments of stunned silence, Remus rolled his eyes. “When the hell did you get a degree in psychology?”

Sirius just shrugged, and Remus sighed.

“Poor James— just as I thought there might be hope, it was ripped away yet again.”

“Have faith Moons— Prongsie will win her over eventually.”

Remus looked over to Sirius thoughtfully, taking a moment to observe his profile. Remus raised a brow.

“Speaking of ‘Man Whore’, when the hell was the last time you had a girlfriend? You going celibate or something?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and groaned, sending a nasty glare towards Remus. Remus immediately raised his hands in surrender. “I’ll answer that question if you ever manage to get one yourself.”

Remus rolled his eyes, beginning to mumble under his breath.

“Dickhead.”

Sirius responded immediately, his voice louder than Remus’s had been.

“Asshole!”

“Slut!”

“Dick rider—“

“Oh Remus, dear!” Both Sirius and Remus’s heads snapped up, looking over to meet the eyes of Lily’s mother with matching blushes of embarrassment. Remus had totally forgotten where they were. This was definitely not a good first impression.

Lily’s mom basically looked exactly like what you’d expect— green eyes, freckles, and short as hell. The only shocking part about her appearance was her mousey brown hair.

She gestured Remus over, and Sirius snickered. Remus considered hitting him.

“I want to get a picture of you and Lily!” Lily’s mom smiled warmly, apparently having not heard Sirius and Remus’s very loud conversation. Or maybe she had, and was just pretending she hadn’t.

Remus quickly jogged over to take James’s place next to Lily. James, of course, looked like he had just had a nice chat with Jesus Christ himself. He was in complete Euphoria. Fucking idiot.

Remus stood awkwardly next to Lily’s side, who was now also snickering at him. She grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her waist, making him blush with embarrassment once again.

Lily’s mom began commanding them around to get a perfect shot once again, but Remus was only half listening. He turned his head slightly to whisper in Lily’s ear.

“So what’s the deal with James?”

Lily immediately jumped and sent him an evil look. She would probably murder him after this. Or maybe just egg his house or something. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Righttt—“

“Remus! No!” Lily was terrifying. Confrontation was definitely not the best move. “Don’t do this right now!”

“If we don’t do it now, I’m 100% making us do this later. Expect a call at exactly ten o nine o’clock—“

Lily’s eyes were widening with every word. “Remus— my mom’s right there—!”

“I know, that’s why i’m going to call you—“

“Remus!” Lily stomped her foot like a child.

“Lily!” Remus mocked back.”

“Ugh,” She groaned, rolling her eyes and looking away from Remus. “Sometimes I forget you’re friends with those assholes— and then I realize you all have the exact same personality— which is weird as hell, by the way! You need to stop being so dependent on them—“

“Lily, I am being serious right now.” Remus cut her off, resting the urge to smirk. “So serious, I won’t even make a joke about how serious I am.”

Lily rolled her eyes again, but stayed silent. Remus took that as approval to continue.

“I won’t tell him.”

“Tell who what— I still have no clue what you’re talking about.” Lily kept her head held high, and Remus groaned extremely dramatically— not to mention, loudly enough that his friends started giggling from the side.

“Lily—!”

“Please focus, Dearies!” Lily’s mom interrupted their conversation, making Remus almost roll his eyes. Thankfully, he caught himself. “We’re loosing daylight!”

Remus turned to whisper one last time.

“Ten o nine o’clock—“

Lily stomped one high heeled foot onto Remus toe, making him yelp and jump up and down like an idiot.

So goddamn stubborn.

Let the record show that Sirius was a fucking liar. Or maybe he was just dramatic. Probably both.

Remus had been at Homecoming for an hour so far, and he could say with certainty that he definitely hadn’t missed out on anything.

In the hour they’d been there, James and Sirius had started a mosh pit, Peter and Melody had their first kiss, Frank Longbottom gave Remus a plastic water bottle with a very suspicious liquid inside, and Fabian had gotten Remus high. Very eventful.

Now, Remus was just standing off to the side, high as hell and slowly sipping on some disgusting ass drink.

Marlene started running over to Remus, attempting to yell at him over the loud as music. Remus didn’t hear a single word. He watched as Marlene rolled her eyes, grabbed his arm, and dragged him all the way into the girls bathroom. He didn’t even complain, shockingly.

Marlene snickered at him before turning to fix her makeup in the mirror. She was sweaty as hell— probably a victim of James and Sirius’s mosh pit.

She was wearing the black dress they had bought, along with mass amounts of black around her eyes and very clumpy stuff on her eyelashes. She looked good, but somehow even more intimidating than usual.

“What the hell happened to you?” Marlene asked Remus with clear amusement, applying more stuff to her eyelashes.

Remus shrugged. “Frank. Fabian.”

He was being extremely unhelpful and vague, but the combination of three blinkers and alcohol was making him not really care.

Marlene raised a brow in the mirror, clearly confused. “Frank and Fabian? What did those assholes do— beat you up?”

Remus just shrugged again, and Marlene groaned, turning to actually stare at Remus. Now that they weren’t in the dark gym, his problem was very evident. Marlene started snickering again. “Are you high?”

Remus nodded very slowly, letting his head drop down to look at her lazily. “Yep.”

The lights were really yellow, and it was giving him a headache. Remus groaned with absolutely no explanation. It probably looked really weird, but again, he didn’t care.

Marlene gasped with fake offense. “Without me?!”

Remus giggled uncontrollably and handed her his plastic water bottle. Marlene inspected it for only about two seconds before unscrewing the cap and chugging the rest of it down.

Remus’s eyes widened. Kinda. It was hard to give much expression in that moment. Everything felt really slow.

He loved being high. And drunk.

He continued giggling.

“Alright, Man,” Marlene rolled her eyes again, though this time, more with amusement than annoyance. She threw the bottle at the trash can, missing horrifically. “I’m sure you still want to see James and Lily dance, yeah?”

Remus nodded again, this time not bothering to stop. Marlene snorted and grabbed his arms again, leading him out of the bathroom. “Let’s go then, big guy.”

Remus giggled. “Don’t call me that.”

Marlene lead them out back into the gym just as the sound of the DJ assaulted Remus’s ears over the loud speaker. He didn’t really know what the hell the guy was saying, but he definitely knew was that it was loud as hell. Both him and Marlene winced.

They crowed in closer to the middle, where a big circle was forming around all of the Homecoming court winners. The King and Queen would start the slow dance off, followed by the rest of the court, and then the rest of the school.

Just then, the song “Thinking out Loud” by Ed Sheeran blasted throughout the gym. A bunch of people cooed happily at the same time Remus and Marlene unanimously groaned.

Lily and James walked out into the middle of the circle, both with smiles on their faces. With their matching crowns and colors, they looked fucking perfect. Lily was so fucking obvious.

“And now,” The DJ yelled thankfully much more quietly, “The Homecoming King and Queen, 2024!”

Everyone cheered and James and Lily started swaying slowly in the middle. Remus couldn’t even deny it, despite the song, it was really fucking cute.

Remus knew that James was well trained in ballroom dancing, but he was seemed to have simplified it for Lily. Remus didn’t know if it was the alcohol, the weed, or the situation, but he was about to tear up. He felt like a proud mother.

It genuinely felt perfect— the blue and purple streamers and decorations making the entire gym look like a very lazy underwater scene, the crowd swaying back and forth, James and Lily looking happier than he’d ever seen them— it was lowkey beautiful.

Sirius suddenly shuffled up to Remus and Marlene quietly, shoving himself directly between them. Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm.

“Look at them, Moons,” He whispered, “I feel like a proud mother.”

Remus nodded happily, fully smiling with all of his teeth and looking down at Sirius. Definitely a result of the weed. Sirius smiled back. “That’s what I was thinking!”

Sirius only had to look at Remus for a second before he snorted and shook his head. “You’re so fucking high.”

Once again, Remus just nodded, still smiling and unable to look away from Sirius despite the scene in front of him. “Yep.”

Sirius looked back to James and Lily, his smile softening, but only slightly. “There’s a Prom King and Queen, right?”

Remus just shrugged, but since Sirius was still holding Remus’s arm for some reason, Sirius got the message.

Sirius was really warm— and sweaty. His hair was a total mess, and his suit jacket and tie had somehow gone missing.

“We’re totally making them King and Queen again, and by then, they’ll 100% be together. It’ll be even cuter than this— trust.”

Remus just nodded and snorted.

“They fucking better be.”

•••

Remus was, in fact, still a bit drunk, but not drunk enough to forget about his and Lily’s phone call. What he did forget, however, was why the hell he was supposed to be calling her in the first place. Remus just shrugged, pressing the FaceTime button on Lily’s contact without thinking too hard about it.

He was lying flat on his back on his bedroom floor, too lazy to take his suit off. The ceiling was spinning.

“Hello?” Remus finally heard Lily’s voice on the line, and he looked over to see her annoyed face on his screen. She also still had her entire outfit on, including the tiara. “Hellooo?!”

“Heyyy Lily—!”

Lily cut him off abruptly with a sigh. “Listen Remus, you can’t tell him. Like seriously— and don’t make a joke about that— don’t tell him.”

Ohh, right. that was why.

Remus nodded his head, letting his eyes fall closed. He was really tired. “Don’t worry, Lils, I won’t.”

Lily looked a bit shocked at the reaction, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. “Really?”

“Yep.” Remus shut his eyes again, “I won’t— trust.”

“Remus, are you okay—?”

“Lily, I have a super important question for you.” Remus interrupted. He really needed to go to bed.

“Uhh, okay?” Lily sounded extremely confused, but Remus took it as his sign to continue.

“Would you rather have to fuck some guy, I don’t remember his name— but your an actor, and you have to fuck him or something, or, people like, put their asses on your windows—“

“Remus,” Lily cut him off, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I don’t even know.” Remus slid his hand over his face, “Sirius asked me that one time. Kinda. I don’t remember exactly how it went—“

“Wait,” Lily narrowed her eyes. “Was that a Would You Rather question? Did you just fucking ask me a Would You Rather question?!”

“Uhh,” Remus tried to figure out what answer Lily was looking for. He came out with nothing. He was lost. “No?”

“You did!” Lily exclaimed, now smiling broadly and pointing at her phone. “You, the biggest Would You Rather hater in the world, just tried to ask me a Would You Rather question!”

“No I didnttt,” Remus slurred. “I was just asking your opinion on a very important question—“

“I’m totally telling all of your friends about this.”

“Noooo!” Remus whined, shaking his head sadly.

“Yep, I’m doing it. You can’t stop me.”

“Ughhhhh.”

“Goodnight, Remus,” Lily giggled, waving at her phone. “Get some fucking sleep.”

Remus would’ve given her a very smart comeback, but she didn’t let him, immediately hanging up the phone and leaving Remus just sitting there in silence.

Remus groaned very loudly, probably waking up his entire house.

“Fuck!”