Chapter 9- Fourth Year
Remus stood frozen, his mouth hanging open as he stared at Lily, who looked equally uneasy. It took him nearly a full minute to register that he needed to say something—anything—to make this right. "No, I’m not," he blurted out, the words coming out too quickly and sounding ridiculous even to his own ears. Lily raised an eyebrow, her expression softening. It was the kind of look that told him she wasn’t fooled. "Remus, you don’t have to lie to me," she said, her voice gentle but laced with frustration as she took a step closer. A cold knot twisted in Remus's stomach. His heart raced as he realised that, in this moment, it was all coming apart. He could almost feel the weight of his entire world cracking under the pressure.
"I’m not lying." But even Remus could hear how weak his answer was. "Please, Remus," Lily pleaded, stepping closer, closing the distance until he could feel the pressure of her presence, making him feel trapped and exposed. "Please… don’t tell anyone," he whispered, his back pressed against the wall as if trying to shield himself from the weight of his own secret. "I’m not going to tell anyone," she responded, tone gentle yet firm. "I want to help you."
Remus blinked, his heart stuttering in his chest. He stared at her, incredulous. She wanted to help him? His mind raced, thinking of how he had always assumed Lily would distance herself from him if she ever found out—maybe even demand he be expelled from school—but never had he imagined she'd offer him kindness.
Now that Remus stopped to think about it, it almost seemed insulting how quickly he had assumed Lily would turn on him. But as he looked at her now, he saw nothing but compassion, her expression filled with concern and fear—yet, not of him, but of losing him. "You want to help me?" he asked, his voice still sounding small, as if the question didn’t quite make sense to him. He pulled away from the wall, feeling a little steadier.
Lily nodded quickly, her hand reaching out to gently squeeze his arm. "Of course I do, Remus," she said, her voice soft but full of sincerity, her smile warm and kind. "I want to make sure no one else finds out, though I’m not sure you have to worry about that." Her smile took on a playful edge, a little amusement flickering in her eyes. "What makes you say that?" Remus asked, his voice almost frantic, a knot tightening in his chest. If Lily had figured it out in just two months, what was stopping the rest of the school from catching on?
"Well, not to be rude or anything," Lily said with a smirk, "but the Gryffindors we live with aren’t exactly the most observant bunch." Her words were a sharp reminder of just how perceptive she truly was. Looking back, Remus realised it had almost been inevitable that she would figure it out.
Gradually, his heart rate slowed, the panic easing from his chest. A weak smile tugged at his lips as he looked at her, and Lily, sensing the shift, seemed to relax as well. Her arms, which had been taut at her sides, fell into a more natural, comfortable position.
"I understand why you didn’t tell me," Lily said quickly, her words spilling out. "Hell, I can’t even begin to imagine how careful you have to be," she added, taking a step back. "I spent all of yesterday researching werewolves—how they’re regarded in wizarding society—and I couldn’t believe how horribly they’re treated. And that’s not even considering the physical and mental trauma you have to go through every single month." Lily was rambling now, but Remus couldn’t help but appreciate how deeply she cared, how she was truly on his side—even knowing full well the kind of monster he is. Remus noticed, with a mix of gratitude and guilt, that not even he had thought this deeply about his own situation. Maybe he should.
"Anyway," she continued, her voice softening, "I’m so sorry you have to live with this, Remus. Like I said, I can’t imagine how horrible it must be." Her eyes met his then, full of sadness and understanding, and in them, he saw something else too—a quiet promise that she was there for him.
"It’s alright, Lils. I’ve learned to accept it," Remus said, forcing a shrug that felt far too casual. Lily’s eyes narrowed with concern, but she didn’t push. Instead, she offered him a gentle smile. "You don’t have to tell me what happened, but if you ever want to talk about it, I’m more than happy to listen." Her words were quiet, but Remus could tell she meant them. He promised that he would tell her the story later as they were going to be late for potions but in reality he wasn’t ready to talk about it. He could barely even think about it without a shiver of panic running through him. So instead, he smiled back at her as they walked toward class. He didn’t want to burden her with his turmoil any more than he already had.
As they made their way down to the dungeons, they met up with the other Gryffindors, all of whom eyed Remus and Lily with a mix of curiosity and concern. They managed to convince the group that everything was fine, though Sirius still shot Remus a suspicious glance. Once they reached their seats, Lily spoke a little louder than necessary, clearly trying to attract attention. "Thank you for going over the potions work with me Saturday night, even though you weren’t feeling well." Remus shot her a small, knowing smirk, but Lily only looked up at him with an almost innocent expression, a perfectly convincing grateful smile on her face. "No problem," Remus said, trying to play along, "but I don’t think Madam Pomfrey will let that happen again." He tried to match her level of feigned sincerity as best as he could.
"Did you get yelled at by Poppy, Evans?" James asked from the table next to theirs, a teasing grin on his face. Lily, looking a little sheepish, responded, "I wouldn’t say I was yelled at, but I don’t think she was very impressed." Remus had to give it to her, she was very believable. Their conversation was cut short as Slughorn entered the room, bustling toward the front of the class. "Settle down, settle down, everyone," he boomed, his jovial voice echoing in the room. "Today, we’re tackling a rather tricky potion…"
Once again, they were continuing with physical modification potions, and this time they were brewing the Strengthening Solution. Almost immediately, James started making jokes about using it for the Quidditch game that weekend, which led to the usual chorus of sighs and eye rolls from Lily. It seemed like the upcoming game was all anyone could talk about lately—but then again, that might have been because Remus was friends with three of the team's players.
For the past week, every morning, Sirius had withdrawn his threat of leaving the team and had been getting up at six a.m. to train. Remus couldn’t help but think that James had little to do with this sudden change, especially after noticing the constant glares Sirius had been sending Marlene.
Even Slughorn couldn’t resist going on about the game throughout the entire lesson. He kept boasting about all the times Slytherin had won the Quidditch Cup while he’d been head of house. James, Sirius, and Marlene seemed to be egging him on with playful banter, throwing out lines like, "You won’t see that happen again with us on the team," and "Remind me who won the cup last year." Remus could appreciate the team spirit, but when it was the only topic of conversation, even he started to reach his limit.
The conversation about Quidditch continued through lunch, until Mary and Lily finally put their foot down and declared a ban on any more Quidditch talk for the rest of the day. Remus was more than happy to oblige, enjoying the brief escape as they walked to the greenhouses without hearing a single mention of sports.
Once there, Remus took his usual spot next to Peter, and they quickly fell into their familiar rhythm of discussing last week's Herbology homework. Remus still hated the subject with every fiber of his being, and it showed in his assignments. That’s why he always relied on these moments, when Peter would patiently explain things in a way that wasn’t quite so torturous.
It seemed the gods had finally heard his prayers, because when Professor Sprout began the class, she announced that they wouldn’t be dealing with plants that day. Instead, they’d take turns going into the back room to write down the various ways plants could be stored. The Marauders were the second-to-last group called, and when Sprout gestured for them to move forward, it wasn’t until they stepped into the dimly lit room that Remus realised he had left his quill and ink behind. "I’ll be right back," he told the others, turning on his heel to retrieve his things.
Everything seemed fine and normal until Remus reached the door and heard James mention his name. But instead of walking in and joining their conversation like usual, Remus hesitated, deciding to stay outside and listen. It could have been something completely innocent, but after the kind of day he’d been having, he couldn’t afford to take any chances.
"I don’t think Remus would lie to us like that," James’s voice whispered, sounding like he genuinely believed it. "But don’t you think it’s weird?" Sirius replied, though he didn’t sound as confident as usual. "What, that he hurt himself on a few stairs?" Peter asked, his tone incredulous. "It sounds like a pretty normal thing to happen." There was a brief pause before Sirius spoke again, his voice quieter this time. "He said he hurt his ankle, but I swear he’s walking like he hurt his leg."
"So do you think he hurt himself or not?" Peter asked, his patience clearly running out. "I don’t know," Sirius admitted, sounding frustrated with himself. "But it doesn’t make sense."
“Mate, I’m pretty sure you’re overthinking it,” James said with a sigh, trying to dismiss his thoughts. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” Sirius muttered. “We should probably stop talking about it before he gets back.”
Remus realised this was his cue to rejoin, though he started to feel just as worked up as he had that morning with Lily. Stepping back into the room, he was greeted by smiles from everyone, as if they hadn’t just been talking about one of his many lies. Even Sirius’s behavior was completely casual, and Remus couldn’t help but think that maybe he and Lily could give each other a run for their money when it came to acting. “Got everything now, mate?” James asked as Remus walked over to the group, where they were all looking at one of the shelves. “Yep, all sorted,” Remus replied, his voice coming out more strained than he’d intended. But if the others noticed, they didn’t mention it.
They spent about fifteen minutes in the dark room, examining the stored plants and jotting down information. By the time they left, Remus could feel his anxiety grow to an unnatural level. He needed class to be over ten minutes ago. He did his best to act normal, laughing when the others did and chiming in when he felt his input would be expected. But deep down, he was growing more exhausted, desperate to escape before the energy he’d been forcing himself to use ran out completely.
Finally, class ended, and Remus used the excuse that his ankle was acting up, saying he’d catch up with them later. Lily and Peter offered to stay behind with him, but Lily must have seen the strain on his face. With a knowing smile, she quickly dragged Peter away. As soon as they were out of earshot, Remus let out a frustrated groan, slumping against the greenhouse wall. How could so much go wrong in one day? At least it didn’t seem like Sirius was as close to figuring it out as Lily, but the fact that even the seed of suspicion had been planted was bad enough. Eventually, he pushed himself up again, stretching his sore leg. The worst part was that he couldn’t even be mad at Sirius for his theories—considering they were pretty much spot on.
Not wanting to return to the castle just yet, Remus decided to walk around the greenhouses, adding each one to his ever-growing map. He was wandering near the third greenhouse when he heard voices and a loud laugh in the distance. It sounded like two guys, talking a bit too loudly. As Remus walked closer, a strange smell wafted from behind the fourth greenhouse. “You should’ve seen the look on her face when I said it. Absolutely priceless,” one voice chortled, followed closely by the other, who laughed in agreement. "Merlin, Crouch, I don’t know how you get away with these things," the other voice said and Remus could tell that he was both amused and shocked. Remus took another step closer out of curiosity and somehow managed to step on the loudest fucking stick he could find. He swore under his breath as the voices immediately fell silent.
"Who's there?" one of them called, and Remus felt his stomach lurch in response. He cringed but forced himself to step around the wall to face them. "Sorry, I was just walking around. Didn’t mean to interrupt," he muttered, hoping he sounded more casual than he felt. As he turned to face the two boys, he saw they were sitting on the ground, holding what looked like cigarettes. They didn’t make any effort to hide them, and from the way they were looking at him, it seemed like they were more entertained by the situation than anything else. “You alright there, mate?” one of them asked. Remus blinked in surprise, noticing the boy’s dark brown hair and matching eyes. The first thing that struck him—aside from the sharp smirk that almost reminded him of Sirius—was how good-looking he was. His jawline was just as sharp, too.
Remus watched as the boy raised an eyebrow, and it was only then that he realised he’d been staring. His face flushed quickly, and he nodded awkwardly, hoping the moment would pass. The guy next to him chuckled, clearly entertained by his discomfort. This boy had softer features, with dusty blonde hair that curled slightly, much like James's and green eyes that reminded him of Lily. While he wasn’t as strikingly sharp as the first, he was still easy on the eyes.
They must have taken pity on him, because after a brief glance exchanged between them, they turned back around and introduced themselves. “My name’s Barty,” the brunette said, extending the hand that wasn’t holding the cigarette. “And I’m Evan,” the other boy added, mirroring Barty’s gesture. Remus reached down to shake both their hands, only then noticing the Slytherin uniforms. His stomach twisted slightly at the realisation. “Remus,” he replied, feeling another wave of embarrassment wash over him. “Well, Remus,” Barty said with a smirk, “You’re making us nervous standing over us like that. Why don’t you sit down?”
Remus wasn’t sure what else to do at this point, so he awkwardly sank to the grass in front of them. Evan took another drag from his cigarette, eyeing Remus with a calculating look. although now that he thought about it, it smelt nothing like smoke and instead had a more earthy scent to it.
“What are you smoking?” Remus asked, unable to hold back his curiosity. This time, it was Evan who smirked. “Why don’t you take a drag and find out?” he teased, holding the cigarette out towards Remus. Remus thought about it for a second. Now rationally he shouldn’t be taking drugs from complete strangers, especially Slytherins, but he was in the middle of one of the worst days of his life and realised he no longer gave a shit. With a resigned sigh, he took the dart, lifting it to his lips.
“Do I just suck?” he asked, glancing between the two boys, unsure of the proper technique. “Well, I wouldn’t blow,” Barty teased, his smirk widening in a way that made Remus feel strange. With one last look between the two Slytherins, Remus put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled. Instantly, the smoke hit his lungs, and he was thrown into a violent coughing fit.
Remus braced himself for Barty and Evan to laugh at him, but instead, they just continued to smile, as if finding his discomfort amusing. Barty took another drag from his own cigarette, looking unfazed. Once Remus finally stopped coughing, Evan leaned back, still surveying him. “You want to breathe it in, hold it in your lungs through the burn, and then slowly breathe it out,” he said calmly, watching with amusement. Remus could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. “This is definitely your first time smoking weed,” he added with a smirk, making Barty chuckle softly beside him.
A small, almost self-aware smile tugged at Remus’s lips as he remembered the conversation he’d had with James at the start of the year. He briefly wondered what James would think of him now. Shaking off the thought, Remus brought the joint back up to his mouth and followed Evan’s instructions. He still felt the burn in his lungs and the intense urge to cough, but somehow, he managed to hold it in until he finally blew the smoke out in a shaky exhale. As he watched the smoke curl in the air, Remus noticed something odd: the joint hadn’t burned down at all. It was still the same size as before, he decided that there must be some kind of spell on it.
Instantly, Remus felt a wave of calm wash over him, and he let out a relieved breath, feeling the tension in his shoulders ease. "Well, looks like that one went well," Evan teased, bending forward to take the joint back from him. "Cheers," Remus muttered, handing it over, before leaning back on his arms and stretching his legs out in front of him. Curiosity got the better of him, and he tilted his head slightly. "Where do you get the weed from?" he asked and Barty grinned, his smirk widening. "Well, if we told you, we'd have to kill you." was his answer and Remus chuckled lightly. "Yeah, alright, keep your secrets. Merlin knows I’ve got plenty of my own." He had no idea why he was opening up to these strangers, but at that moment, he simply didn’t care.
“Mysterious, I like it,” Barty murmured, eyeing Remus with growing interest. “Tell me, pretty boy,” he added, his voice lowering slightly, “Why am I just seeing you now?” The nickname caught Remus off guard, and his cheeks flushed, which only made Barty’s smile widen. “I’ve only just joined Hogwarts this year,” Remus replied, feeling his gaze drop to his hand as he absentmindedly started tearing grass from the ground.
“Right, you’re that Gryffindor fourth year who got sorted first,” Evan said, handing the joint back to him. Remus took another drag, finally getting the hang of breathing in the smoke without choking. "Yeah, that was me." The effects were hitting him now. His eyes began to droop, and his tongue felt thick in his mouth, like it wasn’t quite his own. He glanced between the two boys and realised they seemed to be feeling it too—red eyes and slurred words were obvious enough signs. “Are you guys also in your fourth year?” Remus asked, his words slow and slightly spaced. “No, we’re the year below,” Evan answered with a lazy grin. Remus blinked, processing the information. He could’ve probably figured that out, especially considering he’d never seen them in any of his classes before.
“You must know Regulus then,” Remus added, not entirely sure why the name had slipped out. At this, Barty perked up, his gaze sharpening with new interest. “How do you know Reggie?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused. “I’m friends with his older brother,” Remus shrugged, watching the two of them exchange a knowing look. “Yeah, that makes sense,” Evan said, his tone light. “Although he’s a bit of a dick, no?” Barty grinned before sending them a smirk. “Yeah, but he’s fucking hot though, isn’t he?” Remus didn’t expect it, but the comment just sounded incredibly funny to him. He burst out laughing, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. The sound of his own laughter seemed to crack something, and soon, the other two were laughing with him—hysterically, uncontrollably.
“You’re right, he can be a dick,” Remus agreed, finally managing to pull himself together. “Hm, and I guess he’s also pretty good looking,” he added thoughtfully, watching as Barty’s smirk widened. He chuckled, clearly amused. “You’re fun, Remus. You should join us more often.” Evan gave a nod of agreement, his smile lazy. “Only if you don’t bring your Gryffindor friends with you.” Remus couldn’t help but smirk at that, imagining the shocked looks on his friends' faces if they ever found out he was smoking weed with Regulus’s friends. “You definitely won’t need to worry about that,” he said with a laugh.
By the time Remus made it back to the common room, his mood had lifted considerably. Not even the strange, lingering glances Lily kept casting his way could dampen his spirits. “Where the hell have you been?” she demanded, her voice sharp with curiosity. She leaned in closer, eyes narrowing as she added, “And why do you smell like that?” Remus shrugged casually, an easy smirk tugging at his lips. Lily raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced, but before she could press further, James’ voice rang out in disbelief. “Holy shit, I don’t believe it.” Remus glanced over, his eyes meeting James’ wide, shocked expression, and he had to quickly look away to stifle a laugh. It was hard to keep a straight face when his friend looked so utterly floored.
James, and Sirius—were sprawled on their usual couch by the fireplace, attempting to tackle their Defense Against the Dark Arts homework, and they both looked over at him as he sat down in the spot next to James. Remus’s good mood had allowed him to forgive Sirius for his earlier line of questioning. After all, it wasn’t entirely fair to stay upset with someone who had, in hindsight, been right.
Sirius leaned forward, his curiosity piqued. “What is it, James?” James raised an eyebrow, looking as if he’d just uncovered a great secret. “Well, I could be wrong, but I’m almost certain Remus has been doing drugs.” The words hit Remus like a cold splash of water. He heard Lily gasp, and for a split second, he considered how awkward this was, but then he just shrugged inwardly. She’d disapprove, sure, but it wasn’t like it was the first time. They all turned to stare at him, their expressions a strange mix of shock, curiosity, and—of course—Lily’s unmistakable disappointment. “That better not be true,” she said, though her tone indicated she already knew it was.
Remus raised an eyebrow. “Look—” Before he could get far, Sirius and James burst into laughter, bombarding him with a flood of questions. “How? Where? Who?” Lily groaned loudly beside him, clearly frustrated with the ridiculousness of the situation, but there was no real malice in her tone. Remus, not quite as fazed by her disapproval, merely gave a small, apologetic smile and shrugged.
“Who did you get the weed from?” Sirius asked, leaning over James to get a better look at Remus. Their eyes were locked on him with that familiar mix of excitement and curiosity, and Remus felt a pang of guilt for how little he could share. “If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you,” he replied, grinning as he repeated Barty’s joke from earlier. Sirius smirked but didn’t bite. “Haha, very funny. But seriously, where’d you get it?” Remus sighed dramatically, shaking his head. “No, I actually promised I wouldn’t say anything.” At that, both Sirius and James deflated slightly, their grins faltering. Remus couldn’t help but feel a little bad—it was clear they were hoping for something more.
“But,” he added after a pause, his smile returning, “I could see if I can get you some.” At once, their faces lit up, and the shift was instant—James and Sirius were practically glowing with excitement. Remus couldn’t help but chuckle at their enthusiasm, but as the room filled with their chatter, he couldn’t shake the feeling of Lily’s silence beside him however. She hadn’t said a word, but the disapproval practically radiated off her.
“So how was it?!” James asked eagerly, his eyes wide with curiosity. “Did it feel weird?” Remus shrugged nonchalantly, though there was a slight edge of sarcasm in his voice. “No, I actually hated it. I felt completely relaxed for the first time in ages, laughed too much, and honestly, I’ll probably never do it again.” As he spoke, he couldn’t resist throwing a not-so-subtle side-eye in Lily’s direction. She was pointedly ignoring them, arms crossed tightly, though he saw a small smile tug at her lips. Sirius and James snickered, clearly entertained by his attempt to hide the truth. “Come on, tell us more!” they both bombarded him with more questions, their curiosity unrelenting.
The conversation was a strange mix of absurdity and reality. As Remus sat there with them, he couldn’t help but realise just how ridiculous it all was. They were just a bunch of nearly fifteen-year-old boys, making decisions that were far beyond their maturity level. The fact that they were even having this conversation—smoking weed, joking about it so casually—felt surreal. Of course, curiosity had won out over caution, and in that moment, Remus had a sinking feeling this would be the start of a long string of questionable choices. They were at an age where bad decisions were almost a rite of passage, and this one certainly wouldn’t be the last.