Chapter 5- Fourth Year
The next morning at breakfast, the Marauders couldn't stop exchanging knowing, excited glances. They sat as close to the hourglasses as possible, much to the confusion of the girls. “Why are we sitting with the first years?” Mary asked as she took the spot across from Remus. “We just thought a change of scenery would be nice,” Sirius replied, trying—and failing—to seem innocent. “Oh no,” Lily groaned, narrowing her eyes. “What have you blundering idiots done now?” Her gaze swept over them, giving each marauder a matching glare. Remus, feeling a twinge of guilt, realized she wasn’t looking at him. Clearly, she hadn’t noticed that he’d joined in on the boys' rule-breaking antics. Before the others could answer however, a quiet humming noise came from next to their table. The Marauders exchanged sly, proud looks, then quickly masked their expressions with the sweetest, most innocent faces they could muster.
“Remus, do you know what they’re up to?” Lily asked, her gaze flicking to him with a questioning glance. He froze, not knowing how to answer without either lying or giving the others away. Instead, he stared at her, probably wearing the guiltiest expression in the room. Lily’s face shifted from suspicion to realization, and then to angry disappointment. Remus’s stomach sank as the weight of her disappointment hit him. Had he really just sacrificed his first real friend to join in with his dorm mates? “I really expected better from you, Remus,” she said softly, before standing up, her final glare aimed at the others. At that moment, all of Remus’s excitement seemed to drain away, and he could only stare glumly at his eggs, suddenly uninterested in the prank. “It’s alright, mate. She’ll come around,” James said, attempting to offer some comfort. “It will be fine, the real reason she doesn’t like these two is because of Snape not the pranks,” Peter reassured with a slight roll of his eyes. “She likes me fine and I've been involved in every single one,” he continued, a teasing grin playing at the corner of his mouth.
Remus gave them a weak smile but didn’t feel the warmth he usually did. Instead he turned back to his food, silently pondering Lily’s words. “Just talk to her later. You two will be back to normal in no time,” Marlene said kindly, Mary mirrored her expression, offering a soft smile. “The woman needs to relax. A prank isn’t the end of the world,” Sirius muttered, his eyes still trained on the hourglass. The humming noise had grown louder again. “Forget about Evans,” Sirius said with a grin, his voice lowering to a loud whisper. “The idea bloody worked!”
The six of them turned back to the hourglass, the room filled with the low hum as it grew louder once again. For Remus, the sound was no longer a source of excitement; it only added to the heaviness in his chest. He glanced at his friends, but his thoughts kept drifting back to Lily, to her disappointed face. He would take Marlene’s advice, he decided. He would talk to Lily when the chance came. He didn’t want to lose her over something as trivial as a prank, but at the same time, he didn’t want to lose the Marauders either. The conflicting loyalties twisted inside him, leaving him feeling more torn than he cared to admit. He hoped they could work something out. He wasn’t sure what would happen if they couldn’t, but one thing was certain—he didn’t want to have to choose. Not between them.
The first class of the day was Divination, a subject shared by all six of them. However, Lily was in Ancient Runes, meaning Remus wouldn’t be able to speak to her until later. The journey to the Divination tower was lengthy, winding through narrow staircases and dimly lit corridors that seemed to stretch endlessly. Finally, they reached a trapdoor at the top of the tower, which Remus had been told led to a classroom heavy with the scent of incense and shadows. As they entered through the trapdoor, the air grew thick with an overwhelming mix of candles and something else, something sharp and heady. It felt as though the smell clung to the very walls, heavy and intoxicating. He could feel the weight of the air pressing down on him, making him feel slightly dizzy.
“Gods, I forgot how bad it smells up here,” Peter muttered, wrinkling his nose in obvious disgust. Remus glanced around and noticed matching grimaces on everyone’s faces, except for Mary, who seemed completely at ease. “Dramatic, the lot of you,” she teased with a grin as they settled into neighboring circular tables, each surrounded by bean bags instead of the usual wooden chairs. Remus was still trying to adjust himself in his obnoxiously purple seat when, with no warning, a woman appeared at the front of the room. Her hair was large and wild, matching the oversized spectacles perched on her nose. She surveyed them all with an air of quiet curiosity.
“Welcome back, students, welcome back,” she greeted in an airy voice, her words floating through the room like a soft breeze. As she began to pace, her eyes roved over each student, sizing them up. “Ah, but not all of you have been here before,” she added with a dramatic flair. Her gaze landed on Remus, and a sudden wave of discomfort washed over him under her intense scrutiny. “Now, I knew, of course,” she said matter-of-factly, “I had sensed the presence of a new student.” By now, she was standing at the front of their table, peering down at him. Remus couldn’t help but glance at the other boys, who exchanged knowing smirks, clearly enjoying his unease. “What is your name, dear?” she asked, her voice sweet but piercing. He cleared his throat quickly, trying to compose himself. “Remus Lupin,” he replied. The professor studied him with an unreadable expression, giving him an odd look before muttering something under her breath and turning back to the front of the class. Remus shot the boys another confused glance, but they only shrugged, amusement still evident in their eyes.
“Today, we are beginning our new topic,” the professor announced, now standing at the front of the room once more. “Body divination is an exceptionally important aspect when it comes to the gift of seeing. I would like you all to find a partner, as today we will begin with palm reading.” She glanced down at her book, flipping through the pages. “The information you’ll need can be found on page 28.” With that, the six of them quickly paired up and began the process of chiromancy. Remus, who was trying to make sense of the lines on Peter’s clammy palm, was distracted when Mary’s voice rang out from next to him. “Remus, you’re so new and mysterious—you simply must let me read your palm!” she insisted, her hair bouncing as she moved her bean-bag closer. Remus hesitated, glancing at Peter for permission. “You’ll actually get an accurate reading if she does it,” Peter replied, leaning back in his seat and watching with evident amusement. It seemed the rest of the group was equally intrigued, as they had all paused their own work to observe the interaction.
Remus shifted his bean-bag to face Mary, who took his palm in her hand with a focused expression. She studied it thoughtfully, tracing the lines with the tip of her finger. The sensation was oddly ticklish, and Remus wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not. “Hmmm,” Mary hummed, causing a slight flutter of nerves to form in his chest. “This line here,” she said, pointing to the one closest to his thumb, “is your life-line.” She ran her finger along it slowly. “Yours is pretty straight compared to others, which means you’re cautious when it comes to relationships.” She looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. “I think you’d benefit from trusting others more.” Remus nodded, feeling more exposed than he would have liked. “You have a straight head-line, which means you’re analytical and realistic,” Mary continued, still examining his hand. “Now, this is interesting.” She paused for a moment, moving her finger to the line closest to his pinky. “This line here is short and curved, which means you’re very private when it comes to romantic endeavors,” she finished with a curious smile, releasing his hand. “Lupin,” Sirius called out from across the table, his tone overly amused, “you got anything you want to share with us?” Remus shot him a dry look. “Do you listen, Black?” he replied, raising an eyebrow. “It says I’m private, which means I’m not going to tell you anything.” To be honest, he wasn’t sure what the line meant anyway. He did trust Mary, everything else she’d said seemed surprisingly accurate. Still, the last part had him feeling oddly defensive, like she knew something he didn’t.
“Mary, do me next,” James demanded, standing over Remus and yanking him out of his seat. “Sorry, James, you’re not exactly my type,” Mary responded with a teasing smirk. James stared at her, momentarily confused, while Sirius snorted from next to Remus, who had slid into James’s now-vacant spot. “Well, I’m not just going to sit here and watch Mary give everyone palm readings,” Marlene complained, giving Peter’s bean-bag a playful kick. “Peter, come be my partner.” With that, Marlene and Peter began their own palm readings, while the rest of them turned their attention back to James and Mary. “Right,” Mary said, taking James’s palm in her hands. “Potter, your life line is long and unbroken, which means you’re a solid, dependable person that others can rely on.” James preened at that, flashing Remus and Sirius a proud grin. Mary rolled her eyes before continuing. “Your short head line means you value physical achievements—guess that explains Quidditch.” She then paused, a small, knowing smile spreading across her face as she reached the final line. “Now, this doesn’t surprise me at all, but your heart line ends under your middle finger. You’re a romantic and fall in love easily.” James blushed slightly, quickly pulling his hand away. “I don’t want to hear a word from either of you,” he muttered, glancing up to find matching grins on Remus and Sirius’s faces. “Oh, you’re definitely going to hear a few words from us,” Sirius chimed in, causing James to groan and Remus to laugh.
Remus finally got a moment alone with Lily later that day as they walked toward Arithmancy together. The beginning of their walk was tense and awkward, with Remus struggling to find the right words. Fortunately, Lily broke the silence first. “I’m sorry for getting so mad at you, Remus,” she said, her voice soft, and Remus turned to look at her in surprise. He hadn’t expected an apology, and, in truth, he believed she had every right to be upset with him. But before he could say anything, she continued. “I guess I was just worried about losing you to those boys. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mary and Marlene, but it was nice to find someone with similar values to me, you know?” She shrugged, her expression tinged with sadness.
Lily’s vulnerability caught him off guard, and he quickly responded. “Lily, you’re not losing me, I promise,” He said, trying to reassure her. “I should be the one apologizing. I know how much you dislike their pranks, it’s just that... well...” Remus hesitated, unsure how to explain to her that he enjoyed the mischief with the others, even if he knew it upset her. He didn’t need to explain however because Lily gave him a small knowing smile. “You’re allowed to be friends with them and join in whatever stupidity they get up to—as long as it’s harmless,” she added, rolling her eyes playfully. “I just hope you don’t forget about me. It’ll be nice, finally, having a best friend of my own,” she finished with a shy smile. Remus smiled back, nudging his shoulder into hers playfully. “I would like that too.” Together they continued walking in a peaceful silence. But just as Remus thought the silence might last, Lily broke it. “Gods, it’s been eating at me all day. Can you please explain what the prank was?” she asked, her tone both frustrated and curious. Unable to hold back a laugh, Remus launched into a dramatic retelling of the previous night's events, bringing a smile to Lily’s face as she listened, the tension between them melting away.
Remus didn’t fully realize just how successful the prank had been until the end of Arithmancy. As he and Lily stepped out of the classroom, they were greeted by the sight of a corridor filled with confused and annoyed students. It only took a few seconds for Remus to pick up on the subtle whistling sound that seemed to be taking over the hallway. He turned to Lily, his grin spreading wider as he noticed the knowing smirk she gave him in return. “I have to find the others,” he exclaimed eagerly, his excitement palpable. Lily rolled her eyes, her expression tired but amused. “Yes, alright. I’ll see you at dinner—if they can get rid of the goddamn sound before then,” she muttered, shaking her head as she turned towards the library.
Remus quickly made his way towards the great hall, knowing that the others were likely to have gone back to the scene of the crime. He realised he was right when he ran into them at the front doors, which were closed for the first time that year. The sound here was deafening, and nearly every student and teacher in sight had their hands pressed to their ears in discomfort. “Remus, isn’t this fantastic?” Sirius shouted as he finally made his way over to the group. The other two turned around at this and James clapped him on the back, a wide grin on his face. “This was a brilliant idea, Remus,” Peter commented, also looking exceptionally pleased. Remus just shrugged looking at them all with a shy smile. “It was a group effort,” he said, although he couldn’t help but feel at least a little bit proud.
Eventually the teachers figured out the problem and the castle was restored back to its usual peaceful silence. Remus wasn’t upset however, and the others seemed satisfied as well because even though they were happy with the prank, the noise was starting to get to them too. Overall it was a success and the professors weren’t able to find evidence against them, Still, Remus had a sneaking suspicion that they all knew exactly who was behind it. The Marauders rode the high of their prank for the rest of the week, basking in the praise from other students without ever admitting to their involvement. They exchanged knowing looks whenever the prank was mentioned, silently relishing in their shared secret. It was a thrill, one that kept them in good spirits, and Remus couldn’t help but smile every time he caught one of the others grinning like a fool.
Remus’s good mood didn’t last however. The first full moon since arriving at Hogwarts was only a few days away, and its impending arrival weighed heavily on him. He found himself becoming more isolated from his friends with each passing moment, retreating into himself as the anxiety of the transformation loomed ever closer. He began making excuses for why he couldn’t join them for studying or various other activities. Instead, he spent his time wandering the castle aimlessly, as though searching for something—anything—to distract him from the inevitable. In his solitude, Remus took to discovering every hidden corner of the castle. He roamed its twisting corridors, finding secret rooms and forgotten hallways that most students wouldn't think twice about. Each time he stumbled upon something interesting, he would sketch it on a piece of parchment, recording it for later. His drawings were a way to anchor himself in the here and now, a momentary escape from the growing dread inside him.
His main goal was to find the best places to disappear for when he needed to escape from reality or when he just needed a moment to himself. The top of the Owlery quickly became his favorite spot. Few ever ventured up there, and that was exactly what he needed. He would sit on the edge of the tall window, feeling the cool breeze drift through the open space, his book in hand, yet unable to concentrate on its words. Instead, his mind was consumed with his fears, and the loneliness that came with them. In those moments, the only thing that accompanied him was his thoughts.
To Remus’s disappointment his isolation didn’t go unnoticed. The first person to confront him was Lily, who, by Wednesday, was sick of his shit. “Remus, I haven’t seen you in over four days. What’s going on?” she demanded, finally catching him after arithmancy. The full moon was tomorrow and Remus had already begun to feel the familiar aches in his bones that accompanied the transformation. “Nothings wrong Lily,” he lied, rubbing his neck in an attempt to relieve some of the discomfort. She shot him a disbelieving look, her sharp eyes scanning him up and down as though searching for the truth. “Well, if you’re really fine,” she said, her voice unwavering, “then you wouldn’t mind joining us in the library.” It wasn’t a question—it was a challenge. She gave him one last, suspicious glance before turning to walk away, clearly not waiting for an answer. Remus sighed inwardly, the weight of his avoidance beginning to press on him. He wanted to join them, he really did. But the thought of being around his friends while his body ached, and while the full moon loomed, it was too much. He didn’t want to risk snapping at them, or worse, saying something he couldn’t take back.
Reluctantly, Remus followed Lily to the library, his mind still longing for the quiet solitude of the Owlery. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to face the others, but he knew he couldn’t keep avoiding them. To his surprise, when they arrived, the rest of the Gryffindors—along with Alanza—were already waiting at their usual table. "Lily, you actually managed to get him to come with you," Marlene remarked, sounding genuinely surprised. Remus felt a stab of guilt at that. Was his avoidance really that obvious? "It’s good to see you outside of meals and class, Lupin," James said with a friendly grin, glancing up from his homework. Peter gave him a small wave, his expression kind, while Sirius just studied him, his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised and Remus could feel the weight of his gaze. "Sorry, guys, I didn’t mean to avoid all of you," Remus said quickly, though the words felt hollow. He was lying, and he knew it. It was becoming a bad habit, one he was starting to feel ashamed of. Sirius, never one to let things slide, uncrossed his arms slightly, though his gaze never wavered. "So where have you been, then?" he asked, his voice calm but laced with suspicion. Remus cleared his throat before answering. "I’ve just been exploring the castle a bit, trying to get my bearings," he said, and at least this time it was half true.
Sirius seemed to accept Remus’s excuse, giving him a small smile. “Was our exclusive tour not good enough for you?” he joked, posture relaxing as he leaned back in his seat. Remus chuckled and took the spot across from him, setting up his Arithmancy homework. “I’m sure it’ll become useful once I find someone to make out in all those cupboards with,” he replied sarcastically, watching as a sly grin spread across Sirius’s face. “Hey, not all of the places were cupboards,” he shot back, tone playful. Remus rolled his eyes but couldn’t help smiling a little. The easy banter with Sirius was a welcome distraction but before he could say anything more, Alanza chimed in, voice light but teasing. “I have plenty of friends who would love to make out in a cupboard with you, Remus.” She said, twirling her quill around thoughtfully, and Remus caught a glimpse of Sirius’s smile faltering slightly. The sudden tension in the air was subtle but noticeable, he must really dislike her Remus thought, though he couldn’t think why. “I could introduce you if you’d like,” Alanza added, a teasing note in her voice. Remus gave a shy smile before answering. “No, it’s ok,” he responded a little awkwardly.
As if summoned by the mention of gossip, Mary joined the conversation with an excited grin. “Ooh, who has a thing for Remus?” she asked, eyes lighting up with curiosity. Remus felt his face flush with discomfort at the sudden attention, but before he could find a way to deflect the conversation, Sirius jumped in with an understanding grin. “Forget Remus,” he said quickly, voice turning lighthearted. “The beautification potion you guys put on James is working. There are probably plenty of women who’d want to make out with him.” Remus gave Sirius a thankful smile, relieved by the distraction before turning to look at a now embarrassed James. Sirius wasn’t wrong, though. James’s complexion did look notably smoother, and as Remus casually observed his features, he found himself thinking that James wasn’t such a bad-looking bloke. In fact, when he stopped to really think about it, James was actually quite good-looking, in an unruly, messy kind of way. His tousled hair and crooked grin gave him an effortless charm that was hard to ignore. “Fuck off Black,” James muttered, although his smile gave away the fact that he was secretly pleased.
At dinner, Remus found himself piling his plate high with food, always ravenous the days leading up to a full moon. He was just finishing his second helping of shepherd’s pie when Lily glanced over at him, an amused smile tugging at her lips. “When was the last time you ate, Remus? 1966?” she teased, just as he shoveled in another mouthful of food. Remus just rolled his eyes at her, swallowing down the rest of the potato. “Can’t a man just eat in peace?” he muttered, helping himself to another heaping spoonful. Lily shook her head, still smiling, before turning back to her conversation with Mary. “How many wizarding schools do you reckon there are in Asia?” James asked, his tone suddenly inquisitive. He and Marlene had been talking about their History of Magic homework for most of the dinner, and the rest of the table, to put it mildly, were not exactly riveted by the subject. Even Lily, who usually enjoyed discussing school work, looked like she had reached her limit. “If you wait nine weeks, Potter, your question will be answered,” she retorted dryly. James glanced over at her, a lopsided grin spreading across his face, clearly pleased to be on the receiving end of her attention. “Yeah, but I didn’t want to wait nine weeks, now did I?” he shot back, his voice playful and teasing. Lily rolled her eyes dramatically and, with a soft sigh, returned to ignoring his existence, leaving James to laugh to himself.
The rest of the meal passed in a blur, the sounds of chatter around him fading into the background as Remus’s thoughts grew heavier. As he absentmindedly pushed food around his plate, the subtle dread inside him began to burn brighter, each moment ticking by until the full moon was upon him. He continued to feel the gnawing ache in his bones. But it wasn’t the pain that terrified him the most—it was something far worse. The pain, though intense and unforgiving, was almost predictable. It was the aftermath that haunted him, the way his mind would fracture and slip away, leaving him powerless to control what happened in the darkness. He wouldn’t remember a thing, not until the following morning when he would wake, disoriented and sickened, like emerging from the worst nightmare of his life. The fear of not knowing what he had done, who he might have hurt—it gnawed at him, a constant, cruel reminder that he wasn’t fully in control. No matter how hard he tried to prepare, no matter how many times he locked himself away, it was never enough. He could never escape the inevitable aftermath. And every time, it felt like losing a piece of himself.
"You alright, Remus?" a voice asked from beside him, pulling him from his spiraling thoughts. Remus blinked, turning to see Peter watching him with a concerned expression, a small frown tugging at the corners of his lips. "Yeah, no, I'm fine. Sorry, just distracted," Remus replied, offering what he hoped was a reassuring smile. It felt forced, and he could tell Peter wasn’t entirely convinced. But after a moment, Peter let out a small sigh and gave him a hesitant smile in return. "Did you want help with your Herbology essay later?" he asked, and the question stirred a fresh wave of guilt in Remus. He had been distant, isolating himself, even though he knew his friends only wanted to help. "Yeah, that sounds good, Pete," Remus said quietly. And so, as the evening wore on, Remus found himself spending the night not alone, but surrounded by his friends. Somehow, despite the storm raging within him, he managed to be productive, working on his essay alongside Peter. Maybe, just maybe, he could adapt—find some balance between the monster he feared becoming and the person they all saw within him.