Keep on keeping on

For an hour, Snape sat in silence, holding Harry tightly and rocking gently back and forth. Snape’s heart was split in two as he held the small, shaking boy in his arms. He knew something had been wrong with Harry, but every time that he had tried to talk to the boy, he had been met with a wall of resistance. Harry had been hiding so much, bottling up so much pain and hurt and suffering and now was the time that all that pain had bubbled over. Yes, Snape knew a conversation was needed – a very serious and honest conversation – but right now, the boy needed to know that there was someone there for him that cared about him.

“Professor?” Harry whimpered, looking up from his hands that had been covering his face. Snape looked into the boy’s eyes; they were red and swollen and glistening with tears.

“Yes, Harry?” Snape whispered soothingly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh Harry. There is nothing to apologise for. Are you ready to talk about whatever has happened?” Snape replied.

Harry shook his head furiously and a tear fell from his eye again.

“Please, no. I just want it all to go away. I want it to stop!” Harry sobbed, his voice cracking. Alarm bells rang in Snape’s head at that comment. He had seen the scar on Harry’s wrist so he could piece together that the child had done. Snape shifted slowly and turned his body, so he was facing Harry, the professor’s hands grasping the boy’s shoulders gently.

“Harry. Listen to me very carefully.” The man began. Harry looked into Snape’s eyes. “No matter what has happened, no matter what you have done, or have had done to you, it will not go away unless you talk about it. You cannot ignore this. Now, I do not know what happened that made you come here tonight but I am glad that you did. You are safe with me; you will always be safe with me. You are loved and cared about. I understand that you want it all to stop but this-” Snape gestured to Harry’s wrist, “-this is not the way to make it stop.”

Harry hung his head for a few minutes, wiping his eyes with his shaking hands.

“You don’t mean that. No one ever does.” Harry sighed, still staring at his hands.

“I’m sorry that you believe that. It is not fair and sounds like a very lonely feeling, but I can promise you that I mean everything that I say. Are you ready to tell me what has happened?” Snape replied, his voice insistent. Harry nodded silently and sighed heavily.

Snape slowly guided Harry into his quarters, deciding that this was likely a conversation not be had on the cold, hard stone of the potions classroom floor. Harry had stumbled after his professor, walking as if in a daze. When Snape took a seat in a large armchair, Harry stood nervously in the middle of the room and shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

“Please, sit.” Snape said, gesturing to the sofa behind the boy. Harry perched warily on the edge of the sofa but did not relax. Instead, his knee was bouncing up and down and his hands were constantly moving, one hand pulling at the fingers on the other. Snape sat quietly for a moment, waiting for Harry to settle. When that moment never came, Severus took a deep breath and decided to forge ahead with the conversation.

“Harry. I know that this is uncomfortable for you. I want you to feel safe so if at any point you need a break, you just let me know, okay?” Snape explained, eyeing the boy carefully. Harry nodded in response but did not utter a word.

“Okay. First, Harry, I want to ask if you can please tell me how you got that scar on your wrist?” Snape knew the answer to this question, but he hoped he was wrong. He watched as pain flashed across Harry’s face and waited patiently for him to answer.

“I did it.” Harry murmured. Snape’s breath caught in his throat as his worse fears were confirmed.

“Can I ask why?”

“Not sure. The Dursley’s were being particularly shit this summer. I couldn’t stop the thoughts about what I had done at the end of last year. Needed it all to stop.” Harry explained. His voice was devoid of emotion now, like all the fight had just dissipated.

“So, you tried to end your life?” Snape asked. He watched as Harry squirmed and Snape felt sorry for the boy, but he knew it was a question he had to ask. For clarification that Harry understood what he had done.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“It doesn’t look like it healed very well. Did your aunt or uncle take you to a muggle healer?” Snape enquired, hoping that the answer was yes and that it was just the shoddy work of a muggle. Harry shook his head and scoffed.

“No. Aunt Petunia found me. Sewed it up.” Harry answered. Severus watched Harry retch as he recalled the information, but he didn’t vomit. The professor summoned a stomach soother and placed it silently in front of the boy. Harry eyed it warily but did not take it. Snape didn’t push the matter.

“Sewed it up?” Snape pushed on, incredulously.

“Yeah, like needle and thread, you know. She found me and sewed me up. Told me I was a freakish, idiot child and that the matter would never be discussed again.”

“Is this the only time you have done this?” Snape said. He needed to compartmentalise the information he was hearing. He needed to know all the information before he decided what to do. Harry shrugged but his face showed confusion so Snape decided to clarify.

“Is this the only time that you have attempted to end your life?” Harry nodded in response.

“Have you hurt yourself in other ways?” Snape probed. He knew Harry had a tendency to self harm – the head banging a clear indicator – but the suicide attempt was the first obvious way so Severus needed to know if Harry was finding other ways to harm himself as well.

“Yes.”

“How, Harry?”

Harry thought for a moment but couldn’t decide on how to answer. Instead, he slowly pulled up his sleeves and showed his arms to the professor before him. Snape’s gaze dropped and fell on Harry’s arms. The boy’s head was turned away, staring at the wall, refusing to look at the damage he had done to himself. At the sight of the child’s arms though, Snape fought back tears. Harry’s pale arms were a mess of healed and fresh cuts, all different colours.

“Harry. I’m sorry.” Snape whispered. Harry’s head snapped back around and he pulled his sleeves down.

“It’s fine. It’s life. I’m destined to just survive so that’s what I am doing.” Harry replied sadly.

“Harry. You may have fought The Dark Lord last year but that does not mean that you just have to survive. You will live a long life and, though it may not seem like it right now, a happy life. You will love and be loved.”

Harry laughed, a cold laugh that chilled Severus’ blood.

“Love? I don’t deserve that. Just leave it professor. You wanted an explanation, not a damn pity party.” Harry bit, his voice was hardened now, and it took Snape by surprise. Five minutes ago, Harry was a shell, pale and trembling. Now, he was looking his professor dead in the eye and there was not a flicker of emotion. Snape’s words stopped in his throat and the pair sat in silence.

“How long has this been going on?” Snape asked cautiously after a few minutes of silence.

“My life has always been pretty shit so I’m going to need you to be more specific.” Harry countered, the anger slowly leaving his voice again.

“The cutting, Harry. How long have you been cutting?”

“Since that night.” Harry replied. Snape assumed that meant the night of the suicide attempt.

“Some of those cuts are fresh. You self harmed tonight.” Snape stated. Harry nodded. “Why?” Harry shook his head this time.

“No. I can’t talk about that.” It was like a switch had been flipped and Harry instantly curled in on himself.

“What happened tonight, Harry? What happened that made you self harm and come to my potions lab?” Snape asked again. He knew he was pushing Harry, but he needed the boy to talk about whatever had happened.

“You said you had a detention. Was that the trigger?” Snape continued.

“STOP! I TOLD YOU TO STOP!” Harry screamed. He jumped up from the sofa, his fists clenched at his side.

“Sit down Harry. It’s ok. I’m sorry that I pushed but you need to tell me so that I can help.” Snape said calmly.

“I SAID NO! I SAID NO AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. NO ONE EVER LISTENS WHEN I SAY NO!” Harry shouted again. Without warning though, Harry collapsed to his knees and began sobbing loudly again. Snape fell down beside him and held him tightly. But, he heard Harry’s words and the professor couldn’t stop the worst case scenarios from running through his mind.

Eventually, Harry calmed down again and pushed away from his professor. The boy scrambled backwards until his back hit the sofa behind him. Stopping, Harry pulled his knees tight to his chest and rocked slowly. Snape crossed his legs and sat opposite the boy and waited for him to be ready to talk again.

“I said no…” Harry sobbed.

“Who did you say no to, Harry?” Snape asked cautiously.

“I said no and he wouldn’t stop. It was just supposed to be detention, but it was unfair.” Harry mumbled, his words were fast and nearly incoherent.

“Who wouldn’t stop? Who gave you detention?” Snape asked again, clearly and deliberately this time. He needed Harry to answer him because the pit in his stomach was only getting larger and more uncomfortable.

“L-Lockhart.” Harry stammered. Snape’s rage grew and he clenched his fists.

“What!” The professor demanded. Harry sensed the anger and scrambled away even further, his eyes wide in fear.

“I’m sorry Harry. I’m not angry at you.” Snape explained, holding his hands up placatingly. Harry eyed his professor warily but slowly inched back closer to the man.

“What did Lockhart do?” Snape asked. Harry tugged at his fingers again and began rocking once more.

“Things…”

“What things, Harry. I know it’s difficult, but you need to be clear about this.” Snape said with gritted teeth.

“He… He t-touched me and…” Harry trailed off and looked at his professor with sad eyes.

“Harry. Did he rape you?” Snape said slowly. Harry nodded slowly before beginning to cry again. Snape slid over to Harry so he was sat right beside him. He placed his arm around Harry’s shoulders and, whilst Harry initially shied away from the contact, he eventually leant into the comfort and broke down in Severus’ arms.

Harry didn’t know what happened next. When he woke, he felt surrounded by warmth and he was lying a soft bed. Harry blinked his eyes and groaned as the events of last night came flooding back to him. Instantly, Harry sat up and slammed his hands to his face, squeezing his head and pulling at his hair.

“Stop. Stop. It’s okay, Harry.” A warm, soothing voice came from beside Harry and gentle hands clasped Harry’s wrists and pulled his hands away from his face.

“Professor?” Harry whimpered.

“Yes. It’s okay. You’re safe. You fell asleep after we spoke last night. You are in my spare room. You have been alone all night. No one was here. I had charms set up to alert me when you woke.” Snape explained. He didn’t want Harry thinking he had been watching him sleep – especially after the declaration Harry had made last night about what that bastard Lockhart did to him.

“I’m sorry.” Harry sighed. He felt his face flush in embarrassment, realising that he had just spilled his deepest secrets to Snape. His professor’s eyes softened and Snape sighed.

“Harry. You have nothing to apologise for. What has been done to you is horrific and horrible and unfair and a crime. You will be okay though. I am here for you. Just rest now. I will sort this all out.” Snape’s voice was smooth and Harry felt his eyelids grow heavy and he drifted off back to sleep.