inside
O Moon, adored of old, discreetly, by our sires!
From that blue land above, where, in a glittering train,
Sandaled with gold, revealed through veils of gossamer rain,
The stars attend your steps and wait on your desires,
Do you, by chance, my ancient Cynthia, behold
The parted lips of lovers drowsy with delight?
Or, coupling under the dry grass, the writhing cold
Snakes? Or some poet working far into the night?
Or, shall we say, 'tis your old flame Endymion
Whose superannuated charms you gaze upon?
Fancy your keeping up that faded rendezvous!
Remus had found that, like the moon, he went through phases.
Around the time of the full moon, he’d be especially moody- as he always had been- pushing everyone away, snapping at people. But at about the two week mark, right between full moons, what used to be the greatest time of the month was becoming the most dangerous.
Remus couldn’t afford to forget what he was. He knew that. He’d already promised himself that he wouldn’t let anything else happen between them. But Sirius, damn him, was infuriatingly persistent. His previous insecurities before winter holiday seemed to have disappeared completely. Most days, Remus was able to gently rebuke his flirtation with the “just friends” agreement, but right around that two week mark, sometimes he’d find himself forgetting about the Animal completely, if only for moments at a time. He’d find himself indulging Sirius’s advances, even flirting back. Like that stunt he’d pulled with the flower petals. Eventually, the full moon would hit him hard and pull him right back to reality.
The full moon had been last night, and he hadn’t the energy to even move from the infirmary bed since getting there early that morning. Rain pounded against the window by him, filling the room with a rather pleasant white noise, and he’d been able to sleep through most of the day. It was a pleasant surprise. Usually the pain kept him awake.
He awoke, unfortunately to a flurry of movement, clattering, and excited voices.
“Man, I cannot believe I missed it!”
The curtains were drawn around his bed- thank Merlin- and though he couldn’t see the owners of the voices, they were vaguely familiar to him. If he was in a more coherent state of mind, he probably could have identified them, but his brain was still muddled from sleep and pain- sore limbs, stinging scars and a persistent throb in his hip. They continued, chattering continuously over each other.
“Trust me, you did not want to see it.”
“I cannot believe he crashed into you like that, I seriously thought you two were gonna die-”
“How did you even fight him with your arm like that?”
“What a fucking prat, he breaks your fucking arm and then he starts a fight-”
“Man, I’d like to kill him-”
“Please tell me you won. Or at least got some good hits in, right?”
“He sucker punched him, actually.”
“Really? Yes, yes, that’s fucking awesome-”
Remus rolled over and shoved the pillow over his head, holding it against his ears.
“Merlin, will you all just shut up?”
He pulled the pillow off. That one, he recognized immediately: youthful, slightly French, soft- though tinged with more annoyance than usual at the moment. Regulus Black.
“Sorry, Reg,” came Dorcas’s chagrined voice.
So, Regulus had had a fight with someone. Shit. Unless Regulus was in the habit of making enemies, which Remus was almost certain he wasn’t, there was only one person he’d be getting into a fight with. He pushed himself to sit up in bed, swallowing grunts of pain at the strain on his limbs, and leaned forward to listen through the curtain.
“But… you really punched him?” Barty , Remus thought.
The next voice was Evan. “He did a lot more than that.”
“Holy fuck, I need all the details right fucking now-”
“Well, you can fuck off because I’m not gonna tell you,” Regulus snapped. “And neither is Evan,” he added pointedly. His voice was scratchier than usual, strained as if he’d been yelling. That did not bode well for whatever had happened.
“Alright, alright, Reg,” Dorcas said placatingly. “It’s none of our business. But… just tell me. You got him good, right? I don’t need to go beat him up myself?”
There was a brief pause.
“I’d say he got him pretty good,” Evan said, smile evident in his voice.
“ Yes ,” came Barty’s voice. “Merlin, he had it coming, Reg, I’ve been waiting five years for you to do that-”
“Barty, seriously, read the-”
“Alright, can you all just fuck off? Please?”
There was another brief silence, followed by a chorus of sheepish apologies.
“Don’t be sorry, just fuck off,” Regulus replied with a huff. His tone left no room for argument, a bitter, angry edge to it that reminded Remus of Sirius. There was a chorus of chagrined goodbyes and jostling of curtains as his friends left, footsteps and whispers bouncing about the walls of the infirmary. It was only after the door had opened and closed, and their whispers had disappeared down the hallway, that another voice, soft and girlish, broke the silence.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
There was another tense silence, broken by a sudden, hysterical laugh from Regulus. “I yelled at him,” he blurted.
“You yelled?”
“I screamed in his face and then punched him and then fought with him on the floor. Right in the locker room in front of James and Evan. They were standing there staring at us, swear to Merlin they looked like they’d just come back from the war or something. You should’ve seen it, Dora.”
Remus’s stomach dropped. His mind went back to his talk with Sirius in the library, telling him that he simply had to get Regulus alone and make him listen. Merlin, this was partly his fault, then. He knew it wasn’t his place, but Sirius had just seemed so miserable, and having met Regulus, having seen that he really wasn’t so bad, he’d been certain that all Regulus and Sirius needed was a frank discussion. He’d never have expected Regulus to throw a punch. That’s what he got for meddling, he supposed.
There was another moment of silence before Pandora burst into laughter as well, a light, tinkly sound. “Well, shit, Regulus,” she said.
“Yeah,” Regulus sighed, his tone sobering quickly. “I’ve been kind of mean to him these past few weeks, though. I was just trying to make him miserable, I guess.”
“Did it make you feel better? To make him miserable?”
“Yeah,” said Regulus.
Pandora paused. “See, I was kinda hoping you’d say no to that, so I could turn it into a lesson or something.”
“Yeah, well, I wish I could say no, too, but… I dunno. It felt good to see him get upset. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but…”
“Oh, come on,” Pandora said. “That doesn’t make you horrible. He’s a git, Reg. He deserved it.”
Remus felt a twinge of anger on Sirius’s behalf.
“I mean, yeah, but… I don’t think I’m much better, Dora. I don’t think we can ever be good. Especially not to each other. It’s just our blood, I suppose.”
The anger shifted quickly into guilt. This was personal, really personal, and Remus had no business listening to it. He continued listening anyway.
“Reg, that’s not…”
“Stop, just stop,” Regulus said suddenly. “I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know what I’m… just- nevermind. I think I just wanna be alone right now.”
“Regulus-”
“Dora, will you just leave me alone?” he snapped.
There was a brief silence before Regulus sighed. “Okay, sorry,” he said, voice returning to its usual softness. “I just really wanna be alone. Okay? Please?”
“Alright,” Pandora said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, huh?”
Regulus was silent. The curtains swished, indicating Pandora’s departure.
Remus laid back against the pillow, sighing. Merlin, he’d created a disaster.
Lily paid him a visit an hour or so later, once the rain had finally died down. She burst right through the curtains, startling him from his half-asleep daze, and plopped herself onto the foot of his bed. She had a rather fancy-looking book clutched to her chest. “Hey,” she said. She placed the book onto the table beside the bed. “I think that’s yours, I found it laying out there.”
“Oh, er- thanks,” Remus said. He pushed himself up into a half-sitting position, grunting at the strain on his joints. His hip flared with pain.
“So-” Lily said quickly, lowering her voice to a whisper and leaning in close to Remus with a certain urgency. “Did you hear?”
Remus sighed, hoping against all odds that she wasn’t referring to what he thought she was. The last thing Sirius or Regulus wanted was everyone knowing what had happened. “About?”
“Sirius and Regulus. Apparently, they had a huge fight.”
“Oh, Merlin,” Remus groaned. “ Whisper , alright? Regulus is in here.”
Lily’s eyes widened. She glanced behind her as if she’d be able to see anything past the curtain.
“Does this mean the whole school knows?” Remus added.
Lily shrugged. “Not sure,” she whispered. “Nobody knows any details, just that some people heard yelling and then they both left the locker room looking like shit, so… go figure. I pressed James for information.”
“And?”
“Nothing. He didn’t want to talk about it. You should’ve seen him, Remus, he looked traumatized . I mean, seriously, whatever it was, it was bad.”
“ James didn’t want to talk to you?” Remus scrubbed a hand down his face. “Oh, Merlin. This is my fault.”
Lily furrowed her brows. “How is it your fault?”
“Sirius asked me for advice about it- or, alright, I sort of gave it unsolicited. But I told him that he had to get Regulus alone and make him listen to his points, no matter what.”
“Remus,” Lily said, giving him a flat look.
“I know! I was trying to help! He just seemed so miserable, and I just thought they had to, like, clear the air, y’know? How was I supposed to know the kid was gonna go and punch him?”
“ Regulus threw the first punch?” she hissed.
“Sounded like it. His friends were in here earlier talking about it.”
“Merlin, Remus,” Lily said. “You’ve made a mess.”
“I thought I could help…” Remus sighed, defeated.
“Well, you know what they say about the road to hell.”
Remus frowned. “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Alright, you don’t know muggle sayings. It’s paved with good intentions, Remus.”
Remus groaned, covering his face. He did not want to deal with all of this on top of everything else.
“This might be a good thing,” Lily said. “At least they got it all out there, y’know?”
“They punched each other.”
“So what? Petunia and I used to yank out chunks of each other’s hair and we were fine, like, an hour later.”
Remus stared at her. He would never understand siblings.
“Now that it’s all out there, I bet if they just talked again, they’d be able to work things out,” Lily continued.
Remus scoffed. “Good luck ever getting them into a room together after that.”
“Well-” Lily stopped suddenly, cutting herself off. She glanced up at the ceiling, sucking her teeth as if deep in thought, and when her gaze returned to Remus, there was a particularly mischievous glint in her green eyes, her lips turned up into a half-smirk.
“Oh, Merlin, no.” Remus sighed.
“What?” she asked innocently.
“No, whatever you’re thinking, no. I know that look.”
“Come on, Remus,” she said lightly. “I was just thinking that if they happened to be in the same room together, y’know, just by coincidence, and maybe we gave them a little nudge in the right direction-”
“No, Lily, no. You’re spending too much time with James Potter, that’s what this is!”
She gasped. “It is not! I’m just saying, that’s all!”
“Whatever happened to the road to hell being paved with good intentions?”
“That’s a stupid expression, anyway.”
“Ugh, Lily, no. Just no. I won’t be held responsible when they murder each other-”
“They won’t murder each other, Remus! They love each other, okay? I know it!”
She’d raised her voice a little too high in her passion, and Remus shushed her harshly. Regulus was only a few curtains away, and he certainly would not be happy to hear the current discussion.
“Look,” he whispered. “I get that sibling stuff is personal for you. But Sirius and Regulus are not the same as your situation, okay? And besides, if Sirius ever found out that we tried to meddle in his personal shit, he’d never forgive us.”
“He wouldn’t have to find out!”
“He would, though, Lily! Eventually, all secrets come out, and it’d just be another thing hanging over our heads, and…” his voice shook suddenly, hip flaring with pain as if on cue. “Just… no.” he forced himself to say.
“Okay, Remus,” Lily said softly. “You’re right, I guess. We shouldn’t meddle.” She stood up from the bed, chagrined. “I guess I should leave you to rest, you must be tired…”
“Is Sirius okay?” Remus blurted before she could leave.
“Oh, er-” Lily said. “I don’t know. He hasn’t been by Gryffindor tower. I’m not sure where he is.”
“Oh,” said Remus.
“...Remus?” Lily added. “For what it’s worth… I don’t think Sirius would be that upset if he found out about… your other secret. If that’s what you're worried about. He really likes you, and, y’know, it didn’t change anything in our friendship, right?”
Remus’s stomach dropped. Was he that easy to read? It was easy for Lily to say, without all the information. She was his best friend, but his relationship with Sirius was far different. Sirius thought he was attracted to Remus. Hell, Remus had kissed him. When Sirius found out he’d kissed a werewolf…
He nodded weakly, feeling sick. “Bye, Lils.” he said.
“See you tomorrow,” she said softly, slipping through the curtain.
He leaned back, sighing, trying to stave off the panic that always seemed to build up in his chest at the thought of Sirius finding out about what he was.
He glanced at the nightstand. He couldn’t recall bringing any books into the infirmary. He reached for the book, ignoring the flair of pain that shot up his arm from his wrist. It was a poetry book: Les Fleurs du Mal. Charles Baudelaire. He frowned, recalling the very first day of poetry class, how Sirius had specifically asked about two particular poets: Baudelaire and Prevert. All the poems were in French. Could it be Sirius’s book? How did it get here?
Either way, it almost felt like a sign. Usually, he hated seeing Sirius directly after full moons, but now… he felt he needed to see him. If only to make sure he was okay, or apologize for whatever part he’d played in the Black brother’s confrontation.
Lily had said she didn’t know where he’d gone. Remus had a pretty good guess.
Remus would say that in the past few months of friendship he’d learned to read Sirius’s moods quite easily. When Remus stuck his head out the window of the astronomy tower to see Sirius sitting laying down on the roof, he instantly recognized the crazed, slightly hysterical look in his eyes, even directed right up at the sky. The drunken flush to his cheeks, cigarette between his lips, and half-empty firewhiskey bottle that sat on the shingles beside him only added to his worry. Sirius was about five seconds from a total explosion, and if Remus were smart, he’d turn around and leave or he’d be caught in the blast radius and it would take another two weeks to heal whatever damage the blow dealt to their still-fragile friendship.
Remus was smart. But when it came to Sirius Black, all the knowledge seemed to fly out the window.
He climbed out onto the shingles carefully, wincing at the flairs of pain as he dragged himself across the roof to sit beside Sirius. The air was crisp and cold, the shingles still wet and slippery from the rain. It was quite dangerous to be climbing the roof, Remus thought, especially while drunk, which Sirius most certainly was. He wore only a t-shirt, no leather jacket, an absurd choice for the weather.
Sirius seemed mostly unaffected by the cold or the water that was likely soaking up through his clothes, staring blankly up at the stars. He took a drag of his cigarette.“I should never have told you about this place,” he said.
“Er, probably not,” Remus said sheepishly, settling down to sit beside him on the wet, scratchy shingles.
“I’m gonna be perfectly straight with you, Remus.” Sirius turned his head to face him, craning his neck to look up at him. “Are you here to snog me?”
“Er- what?” Remus said. He probably should’ve expected it, but Sirus’s crassness still caught him off guard sometimes. “No. Not now.”
“When, then?”
“I…” Remus sighed.
“When, Remus?”
“Just- just not now, okay? You’re upset.”
“Yeah, I am upset, and now you’re fucking adding to it,” Sirius spat.
Remus sighed again, running a hand down his face. There he went, lashing out at Remus for no reason. It was always the same. They’d made so much progress at the library, but one singular interaction with Regulus seemed to have undone it all and then some. Remus tried so hard not to hate him- he knew that he probably had to deal with all the same shit Sirius did growing up- but seeing the way that just one interaction with Regulus seemed to completely shatter Sirius’s psyche made resentment pool in his stomach.
There was no use in arguing with Sirius when he was in this state, he’d learned by now. It would only make him more upset and perhaps even lead to another “end” to their friendship, which, only a few weeks since the last one, Remus really did not want to deal with at the moment. “Well, I’m sorry for that, then,” he said.
The apology seemed to throw Sirius off a bit. He gave Remus a bitter, almost disappointed look, like he’d been hoping he’d put up more of a fight. “Yeah, you should be,” he huffed. “And if we’re not gonna snog, you can fuck off.”
Remus cringed. He’d prepared himself for Sirius’s state of mind, for his biting comments and insults he didn’t mean, but it was difficult to just let them roll off his back. It frightened him a bit, how vicious Sirius could be when he was upset. He couldn’t help but wonder what went on in Sirius’s mind in these moments. Did he know he didn’t mean it, did he know he was just lashing out, or did he genuinely think these things about Remus when he said them?
He drew in a deep breath and shut his eyes, taking his own advice on how to calm down in these moments. It was no use pointing anything out to Sirius. It would only upset him further.
Instead, he pulled the book from the folds of his robes. “Is this your book?” he asked.
Sirius made no move to even look his way.
“It’s Charles Baudelaire,” Remus added, hoping Sirius would recognize the name of the poet he’d been interested in.
Sirius’s ears perked up at the name. He pushed himself up onto his elbows and leaned over to look at the book in Remus’s hands, a curious, almost sad recognition in his eyes. “Where’d you get that?”
“Lily found it laying around the infirmary,” Remus said. “Is it yours?”
Sirius bit his lip. “Er- no. It’s not mine,” he said.
“Hm,” Remus said curiously. “Well, perhaps it’s Professor Keating’s or something. Might as well read it.”
“I’m not in the mood, Remus,” Sirius said.
“What makes you think it’s for you?” Remus said. “This tower doesn’t belong to you, y’know. I can sit here and read poetry if I want to.”
Sirius said nothing. Remus shrugged and opened the book to a random page and- alright, he hadn’t really thought this through at all. The entire book was in French.
Sirius had looked back over his shoulder at the book, smirking slightly, looking up to meet Remus’s gaze with a glimmer of amusement.
“ Your poetry, huh?” he asked.
“Yup,” Remus said, satisfied at having coaxed a smile from Sirius, even at his own expense. He was about to make a complete fool of himself, but if he could cheer Sirius up, well, he considered it worth it. He cleared his throat. “Er… oh Lune que adore…ient… discreet-e-ment… nos pereys…”
Sirius bit his lip and turned away.
“Do hoot des pays blue ou… radi-oo…”
Sirius dropped his head into his hands, his curtain of damp, messy black hair shaking with his shoulders. Remus forced his own laughter down, fighting through the next line with a slight waver in his voice that further ruined his pronunciation.
“Les- ashtrays-”
Sirius broke all at once, throwing himself over toward Remus to grab for the book.
“You are so- ugh, just gimme that!”
Remus lunged backwards, laughing as he held the book to his chest. “What? I’m reading poetry!”
“You’re butchering poetry, is what you’re doing.”
Remus loosened his grip on the book slightly, enough that Sirius could rip it from his fingers. Sirius scrambled backwards into his previous spot, clutching the book tightly. He glanced down at it, still open to the page, and looked back up at Remus, grinning. He cleared his throat dramatically.
“Ô Lune qu'adoraient discrétement nos pères,
Du haut des pays bleus où, radieux sérail,
Les astres vont te suivre en pimpant attirail,
Ma vieille Cynthia, lampe de nos repaires,
Vois-tu les amoureux sur leurs grabats prospères,
De leur bouche en dormant montrer le frais émail?
Le poète buter du front sur son travail?
Ou sous les gazons secs s'accoupler les vipères?”
Sirius stopped and looked up at Remus, blinking coyly.
“Is it hot when I speak French?” he asked. “It’s supposed to be, like, the sexiest language.”
Remus blinked, rather startled by how quickly Sirius had gone from angry and upset to flirtatious. “No,” he said.
“Really? Because you’re blushing and staring at me.”
Remus had been staring at him. He looked a mess- goosebumps all over his pale, skinny arms, eyes red and unfocused, halo of damp, frizzy hair surrounding his ashen face. He’d sounded lovely, though, not that Remus would ever admit it.
Sirius smirked in satisfaction, seemingly taking Remus’s silence as a confirmation. “Well, at least I’m getting some use out of the language after all the trouble of learning it.” He shut the book and tossed it to Remus, who caught it against his chest. “It’s rather funny, actually. If mother knew this was what I was using it for she’d-”
He cut himself off mid-sentence. The light, humorous mood seemed to drop all at once. He cast a worried glance at Remus, and Remus tried to school his expression into neutrality, as if he’d thought nothing of the odd behavior. Sirius turned away and lifted his cigarette to his lips. “Nevermind,” he said on the exhale, a puff of smoke leaving with the word.
Remus stared at him, unsure of how to move on from there. The tone of the conversation had shifted right back into somberness. Beside him, Sirius took one more hit of his cigarette before he put it out, grinding it into the shingles beside him. The cherry hissed and created a little curl of smoke where it made contact with the wet surface. Sirius flicked the butt off the edge of the roof and immediately went to light another one.
“Can I have one?” Remus asked. He didn’t particularly want one at the moment, but he needed to fill the silence somehow.
Sirius rolled his head over to face Remus. He smiled slyly, new cigarette hanging from his lips, but his heart didn’t seem completely in it. “You don’t wanna share like last time?” he asked.
“Ugh, forget I asked,” Remus groaned.
“Okay, okay, nevermind,” Sirius said. He shimmied the box out of his back pocket and pulled another cigarette out, sticking it between his lips with the other. He lit them simultaneously, taking the first drag of Remus’s and then handing it to him. Remus took it carefully.
“You just couldn’t resist putting your mouth on it first, could you?” he asked.
“Nope,” Sirius said, smiling up at the sky.
Remus slid down carefully so he was laying down as well. He laid there beside Sirius, shingles digging uncomfortably into his back, cold rainwater soaking up into his jumper and pants. He watched absently as their puffs of smoke rose toward the sky.
“Remus?” Sirius asked suddenly, voice small.
Remus glanced over to find Sirius already looking at him, brows furrowed nervously. “Yeah?” Remus said.
“I can trust you, right? Like, I can talk to you about stuff, and you won’t tell anyone else?”
His tone was somber and careful, eyes focused, any evidence of inebriation completely gone. “Of course,” Remus said softly, almost afraid that speaking too loudly would shatter the vulnerability of the moment.
Sirius sighed, directing his gaze back up to the stars. “I…” he said, voice so soft it was hardly a whisper. “I think I may be a horrible person.”
“What?” Remus blurted before he could stop himself.
“You’ve said it yourself, Remus,” said Sirius. “I treat everyone around me like shit. I mean, you came up here because you knew I was upset and you were so fucking nice to me and what the fuck did I do, huh? I was mean, I told you to fuck off, and still you stayed here and made me laugh and now you’re sitting here and listening to me whine about my fucking problems and just- why? Like, why do you let me treat you like this?”
The words were barreling out of him with too much speed and intensity for Remus to come up with a response. “Sirius, I don’t-”
“And like, I keep saying I don’t know why Reggie was ignoring me and all that shit but now that I heard it from his perspective- I mean, I never even considered how he saw things, I was so wrapped up in my fucking self and now it’s like- honestly, yeah. Maybe I am a shitty brother, just like I’m a shitty friend and a shitty boyfriend and a shitty everything. The only fucking consistent thing about me is my ability to be fucking horrible. And I try not to be, y’know? I really fucking try. Like, when I was talking to Reggie, I tried so hard to stay calm like you said. Take deep breaths and close my eyes and all that shit, remember? And I still freaked the fuck out. I can’t fucking help it, Remus. I think- it’s just my nature or my blood or something. Like, deep down inside something’s broken and no matter how hard I try I can never fix it because it’s just like- it’s just me. Every shitty thing I’ve done, every person I’ve hurt- that’s me. That’s who I am, deep down. I’m broken and fucked up and horrible and when you strip away all the hot flashy stuff on the outside, that’s what you’re left with.”
He paused long enough for Remus to respond, but he found himself only stammering, so overwhelmed by the barrage of words that he didn’t even know where to begin. He’d been prepared, coming up here, for Sirius to become angry and take his anger out on Remus. He hadn’t even considered that he’d be turning that anger around on himself. “I- Sirius-” he stammered dumbly. “I’m not-”
“See, listen to you! You can’t even fucking deny it, because you know I’m right!”
“No, that’s- Sirius, that’s not why,” Remus forced out. “Just listen to me, okay? I mean- deep down? What, you think there’s like, some evil force or something inside you?”
The look Sirius gave him, eyes rimmed red, lower lip just barely wobbling, answered the question for him.
Remus resisted the urge to scoff. Sirius simply had no idea. Remus had evil inside him. His body had belonged to a bloody animal since he was four years old. Only he knew what it was like to feel those horrible instincts inside and have to force them down, only he knew what it was like to wake up with throbbing limbs and a mouthful of innocent blood. Only he knew what life was like with an actual, physical monster inside him. The animal had dominated his life and stolen his happiness for nearly thirteen years now. That was true evil inside, and no normal person, especially not Sirius, could ever understand.
He took a deep breath, steeling himself. Sirius didn’t know what he was saying. It wasn’t his fault.
“I don’t think deep down is real, Sirius,” Remus said carefully. “People… they’re messy and complicated and confusing and they contradict themselves all the time, and then they say things like deep down to try to make sense of it all because they don’t understand themselves. But you can’t reduce a person to just one thing like that, y’know? It’s not just good or horrible . Yeah, you do shitty things sometimes, and it sucks, and you shouldn’t, but that doesn’t make you a monster. I- I know monsters, okay, and I know you, and that’s not what you are. There’s nothing evil or broken inside you. You’re just human.”
Sirius bit his lip, glancing down at the roof, and Remus nearly thought he’d gotten through to him before he raised his eyes again, his gaze hardened significantly. “Do you, though?”
“Huh?”
“Do you really know me?” Sirius asked. “Like, Reggie said- he said that the reason all my friends love me is because they don’t know who I really am. Like, if they did they wouldn’t even want to be around me. And, y’know, I think he may be fucking right.”
“Sirius, don’t do that,” Remus began. “I know you, James knows you, Marlene knows you-”
“Maybe you don’t, though! Maybe you all just think you do! I know the real me, Remus. I spend every fucking day with him, and trust me when I say he’s not good fucking company! Why the fuck would anyone want to be friends with him?”
Sirius finished with a frustrated huff. He pinched the space between his eyes, squeezing them shut, and took a drag of his cigarette. Remus watched him, bewildered.
“Alright, well, shit, then, Sirius, why are you saying all this?”
“What?”
“You’re unloading all this shit on me because you either you want me to reassure you that you’re not so terrible or you want me agree with you and call you a horrible person so you can wallow in your self-pity, but I’m not gonna do either of those things. People aren’t separated like that- black and white, good and bad, Gryffindor and Slytherin. We’ve all got shades of grey. I mean, come on, you don’t think there’s other people in this castle who walk around thinking the exact same things you do, that deep down they’re horrible and none of their friends really know them and all that shit?”
“I…” Sirius seemed not to have considered that, glancing over at Remus thoughtfully. “Do you feel that way?” he asked, voice tinged with doubt.
“I- it’s different with me, Sirius,” Remus said.
Sirius frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Well, with me, it’s-” it’s real , Remus thought. Because the darkness in him wasn’t just some insecurity or lingering childhood trauma, it was a tangible, physical force that he could never be rid of no matter how hard he tried. Remus had never questioned his morality; he knew he was a good person. That was his great tragedy, he supposed, that if he were just a man he’d be a good one.
“It’s just…” he began. “Do you feel like you know me, Sirius?”
“Of course,” Sirius said. The immediacy with which he’d said it made Remus’s heart clench.
“But there are things you don’t know about me, right? Bad things. But… you still feel like you know me, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Me and your friends- we don’t know everything, just like you don’t know everything about me. But that’s… that doesn’t mean shit. You don’t have to see the very worst parts of someone to know them.”
“You believe that?”
“I…” Remus began hesitantly. He didn’t believe it, at least not when it came to himself. But for Sirius… “Yeah. I believe it.”
They laid there in silence for a few moments before Sirius let out a brief, hysterical laugh. “Fuck,” he said, clapping a hand over his mouth. “Holy fuck, Remus, I cannot believe I just said all that shit to you. Fuck, that was…”
“It’s alright, Sirius,” Remus said quickly.
“Fuck, I’ve never said any of that- you won’t tell anyone, right?”
“Er, I’m pretty drunk right now,” Remus said, shrugging. “I doubt I’ll remember any of this by morning, anyways.”
Sirius’s gaze flicked over to him as if to examine him for any signs of inebriation. He smiled knowingly, though there was a tinge of sadness to it. “Fuck, Remus, can’t you ever do anything shitty? It’s like you’re perfect or something.”
Merlin, that just made him feel worse.
“I’m not perfect, Sirius,” Remus said. “Don’t say that, alright?”
“Okay, okay,” Sirius said. “But…” he paused. “Just so you know, er- whatever you- okay, fuck. I’m not good at this. I just mean to say that, like, whatever happens to you… when you’re like, sick and stuff, you don’t have to hide it from me. Like, it’s none of my business, so you don’t have to tell me anything or whatever, but if you did, like… I would never judge you for it or get angry or… ugh. Bloody hell. I just mean that, like- whatever you’re hiding it doesn’t matter to me.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Y’know?” he finished, rather lamely.
Remus squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his forehead. Sirius didn’t know what he was saying. If Sirius could see what Remus had been not twenty-four hours ago, he’d be horrified and disgusted and, worst of all, he’d be betrayed that Remus had let him think he was normal. It was selfish of Remus to allow Sirius to say any of this, and selfish of him to let whatever this was continue because in the end the secret was going to come out and both of them were going to get hurt.
Sirius was still staring at him apprehensively, awaiting his response. Remus realized, all of a sudden, that if ever there was a time to tell him, it was now. After that whole speech about not caring about his secrets and knowing him no matter what- perhaps Sirius would be more inclined to accept him like Lily had. It would be so easy. Just three words. I’m a werewolf , and then at least he’d have it out of the way. His heart pounded, chest unnaturally light with anxiety at just the thought of it. The urge passed in a moment.
He reached for Sirius’s hand, resting on the shingles beside him, and clasped it in his, weaving their fingers together. He was selfish, he supposed. He didn’t want this to end just yet.
“Hey, why’d you choose that poem?” Sirius asked suddenly, his voice soft.
“Er, I just opened to a random page,” said Remus.
Sirius hummed thoughtfully.
“What was it?” Remus asked.
“It was called La Lune Offensée , so I suppose you could call it “the Offended Moon”? Or the angry moon, perhaps.”
Merlin’s sake. Every time Remus tried to forget, the universe insisted on sending him reminders. “The moon’s always angry,” he said bitterly.
“Merlin, Remus, didn’t realize you had such a rivalry with the moon. What’d she ever do to you?”
“Ugh, nothing,” Remus groaned. “Stars are better, anyway.”
“Aww, like me?” Sirius asked, grinning. “Well, I’m already a star, so perhaps we oughta start calling you Luna.”
“Merlin, no,” Remus said.
“What, too girly?” Sirius hummed. “Moony, then.”
“Please never call me that again,” Remus said.
“What was that, Moony?”
“Please never- Merlin, you’re insufferable.”
Sirius grinned at the sky, taking another drag from his cigarette.
They finished their cigarettes in silence, hands clasped together against the rooftop. Sirius was the first to finish his, sitting up slightly to grind the butt into the shingles and brush it off, watching the ash tumble down the shingles off the edge of the roof. Remus took his final drag and followed suit, suppressing a grunt as pain flashed through his muscles with the movement. He settled back onto the roof with a heavy, relieved sigh, running a hand through his hair.
A rather violent, jolting shiver from Sirius caught Remus’s attention. He remembered suddenly that Sirius was wearing only a t-shirt and jeans that were almost definitely soaked all the way through from the wet shingles.
“Merlin, Sirius, you must be freezing,” Remus said.
Sirius shivered again, bringing his free hand up to rub at his arm. “Yeah, I am,” he said.
“Why wouldn’t you wear your jacket?”
“I dunno,” he said. “I sort of thought that like, if I was really cold, it’d distract me from everything else.”
Remus stared at him. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“Yeah, I actually think it just added to my shitty mood,” Sirius said with another shiver, teeth chattering.
“Yeah, okay,” Remus sighed, forcing himself to sit up, ignoring the flare of pain shooting up his hip at the movement. “We’re going inside.”
“Ugh, Remus,” Sirius groaned, tugging at his hand. “I can’t go back in there.”
“Why?
“Because,” he sighed. “Because everyone probably knows, and everyone’s probably talking about it, and- ugh. I do not feel like dealing with this shit. It’s none of their business.”
“None of them were there,” Remus said. “All they know is there was a fight.”
“Yeah, which means everyone is gonna be making up theories and shit, and asking me about it because they have no sense of fucking boundaries, and they’ll be bothering Reggie about it too, and it’s just gonna be shitty.”
“I mean…” Remus sighed. “You’re popular, Sirius. People are gonna talk about you. That’s just how it is.”
Sirius stared at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to say more. “Oh,” he said after a moment had passed. “That’s it?”
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just, you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better, y’know? Like, you have all the best advice. But that was sort of lame. I still feel like shit.”
“Well, first of all, I have no clue what I’m talking about most of the time, so I dunno why you keep asking me for advice,” Remus began.
Sirius scoffed and shook his head.
“And second of all- there’s no, like, special advice for every situation. Sometimes life is just shit. And you just have to suck it up and deal with it because it’s either that or die.”
Sirius blinked, staring at him thoughtfully. “Hm,” he said. “I suppose that is just how it is, huh?” He pushed himself up into a sitting position. Seeming to forget that he was on a sloped roof covered with a layer of water, he made as if to stand up, tucking one leg underneath him as he stepped up with the other. “You’re always right, I don’t know why I even-”
As he pushed himself up to his feet, one of them slipped on a shingle, he dropped the firewhiskey bottle and slid downwards, his hand frantically feeling around the shingles for something to hold on to. Remus lunged forward to grab his forearm and hauled him up towards him. Sirius leaned back against Remus, his hair tickling his chin and neck, panting, clutching his arm with a surprisingly iron grip. His spine was right against Remus’s hip. Remus ignored the pain.
They sat in shocked silence, watching the bottle of firewhiskey roll off down the shingles and off the edge of the roof into open air. A few empty seconds later, they heard the distant smash of it hitting the ground.
Sirius turned around to look up at Remus, eyes wide, still panting. “Okay, that would’ve been sort of ironic if I died right then and there though, right?”
“Merlin’s sake, Sirius,” Remus groaned. “We’re going inside before you actually bloody die.”
They crawled over to the window, Remus clutching the book in one hand and Sirius's arm in the other- he didn’t trust him not to fall, honestly. His sore joints continued to flare as he helped Sirius through the window and then followed behind him, but he found it easier to ignore the pain. When they’d shut the window behind them, Sirius turned to face Remus, expression suddenly solemn.
“Hey, Remus…” he said. “I don’t want you to get any wrong ideas.”
“Huh?”
“About… my parents,” he looked up at Remus nervously, twiddling his hands together. “Just so you know. I wasn’t, like, implying anything about them with whatever I said earlier. I know you suspect certain things but they really never did anything to us. Really.”
“I- Alright, Sirius,” he said reluctantly.
Sirius’s gaze hardened. “No, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“That like, fucking sigh that says that you obviously don’t believe me, you’re just telling me you do. Actually believe me. They never did anything, alright?”
“Sirius-”
“ Remus , fucking believe me, okay? I need you to believe me, so just- just tell me you believe me, okay? Please? Just tell me you believe me and everything will be fine.” His tone had turned desperate, almost hysterical. He continued to fidget his hands together.
Remus sighed again. He supposed that if he was going to ignore that he was a werewolf, he couldn’t exactly force Sirius to face his own demons. They’d done more than enough soul-searching for one day. He reached down to grip Sirius’s hands, ceasing their movement. He squeezed them reassuringly.
“I believe you, Sirius.”
It was only after walking Sirius back to Gryffindor tower and returning to his bed in the infirmary that Remus opened Les Fleurs du Mal again. In the bottom corner of the inside cover, he found three letters written in perfect, curling script: R.A.B.
"Insolent child of this degenerate century,
Your wrinkled, simpering mother, that is what I see.
Enameling with art the breast that suckled you!"
- "La Lune Offensée," Charles Baudelaire (Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1936)