good hurt
Sirius and Regulus’s fight didn’t change much.
People talked about it for a few days, but with no further interactions between the two of them, and Evan and James keeping a tight lid on the details, it faded out of gossip pretty quickly. Sirius and Regulus went back to their idea of normal- fully ignoring each other’s existence.
Remus had to admit, finding Regulus’s initials in the poetry book had been an unexpected, and bewildering development. He’d wondered what a pureblood was doing with a muggle poetry book, wondering if perhaps he had secretly purchased it in an attempt to get closer to Sirius by reading something he enjoyed. It wasn’t until a few days later that he realized it could have been the opposite. Perhaps Regulus was the first to get into poetry, and Sirius had only taken the poetry class in the first place to better understand him. It would explain why Sirius had asked about those two French poets on their very first day of class.
He voiced all of these thoughts to Lily- sworn to secrecy, of course- who was deeply, emotionally invested in the conflict. Every once in a while, she’d suggest that they do something to try to force them together, which Remus always shut down immediately. Sirius would lose his damn mind if he found out that anyone was messing with his family affairs. Mostly, Remus chalked Lily’s determination to heal the Black brother’s relationship up to her own strained relationship with Petunia, and figured that she wouldn’t actually get anywhere with it. About two weeks after the fight, though, she had actually taken a huge step in the right direction. Dorcas’s birthday party was that weekend, and Lily, somehow, had secured Sirius an invite.
It wasn’t actually too much of a surprise that Dorcas had somewhat come around to Sirius. Over the past few weeks, there had been a near miraculous shift in Sirius’s demeanor, so drastic that Remus would almost say he’d been conducting himself with maturity.
He’d been quieter, which Remus mostly chalked up to sadness after his fight with Regulus. But the first thing that really caught his attention happened about a week later. Marlene had brought Dorcas around to the common room to hang out, and Sirius had been almost uncharacteristically friendly with her, making a point to pour her drinks and include her in discussions. Towards the end of the night, Sirius had pulled Dorcas aside and Remus overheard him saying (or maybe he was listening in, oh well), “I guess I’ve been kind of a dick to you or something. So… y’know. I’m sorry.”
Remus would’ve laughed at the way Dorcas’s jaw dropped if he wasn’t equally shocked himself. Sirius, apologizing. Later that night, he’d questioned him about it, and Sirius only shrugged, smiling shyly. “I’m trying to be better, I guess. What’s the expression with the leaves?”
Remus had frowned. “Huh?”
At breakfast the next morning, Sirius had shoved his shoulder in excitement. “Turning over a new leaf! That’s what I’m doing! Turning over a new leaf.”
Remus had figured that Siirus had completely forgotten about their conversation on the astronomy tower, but with Sirius’s newfound interest in self-improvement, he must have remembered at least some of it. He hoped not all of it. Truthfully, some of what he’d said had rather disturbed Remus. He decided that Sirius was the greatest actor in the world, because he never, in a million years, would have believed that all that lingered beneath his surface.
Self-improvement aside, though, he’d confidently assured Lily that there was absolutely no way in hell that she was getting Sirius to that party. Dorcas was one thing, but the entire Slytherin class, in their own common room, was another.
Lily had only smirked in response. “I think you’ll be surprised,” she’d said.
He was utterly humiliated by Sirius’s delighted response at the dinner table later that night. “Oh, fuck yes!” he chirped. “She really invited me?”
Lily cast Remus a smug look across the table. “Well, she invited Remus, and you… sort of by proxy,” she explained.
“Sirius, what do you mean, ‘yes’?” Remus hissed. “You hate Slytherins.”
“Well, yeah, but Reggie’s gonna be there,” Sirius said. “And besides, Dorcas is… sort of cool, I guess. I’m trying to be better, remember?”
“But the Slytherins hate you .”
“They won’t when they get to know me,” Sirius declared. “It’s the only common room I haven’t been in yet. It’ll be fun.”
Remus couldn’t help but smile a bit, rather proud of Sirius for seemingly letting go of his blind resentment of Slytherins. Of course, it did condemn him to going to this party that he absolutely did not want to attend, but at least Sirius and Lily would be there. He found that he was mostly comfortable at parties nowadays, as long as he had a few sips of alcohol and a quiet corner to huddle into.
James and Peter had been indignant in not having been invited to the party, and declared that they were going to get a few bottles of firewhiskey themselves and have their own sleepover, which Peter had volunteered his and Remus’s room for.
“Great,” Remus had muttered. “Just what I want when I’m coming back from the Slytherin dungeons, James Potter on my bedroom floor.”
Sirius had cast him a knowing little glance that Remus couldn’t quite read.
Sirius was perfectly upbeat, excited, even, on the day of the party. As they actually approached the common room, however, the nerves seemed to hit.
“Oh, Merlin,” Sirius breathed as they took their first step into the chaos. “Am I going to get, like, attacked?”
“We’ll just hang out in the corner,” Remus reassured him. “No one will even notice you’re here.”
“Have you seen me, Remus?” Sirius asked flatly. He gestured to his face with a wild hand. “I tend to stand out in a fucking crowd.”
Remus groaned, rolling his eyes. Sirius was right, but he certainly wasn’t going to admit it. He didn’t need to stroke his ego any further. “Whatever you say,” he said.
“Fuck, let’s just go find some alcohol,” Sirius said, grabbing Remus’s arm.
He dragged Remus right into the middle of the party, while Remus made every effort to shrink and hide his face. He had to admire Sirius’s confidence. As he’d predicted, the entire party seemed to have noticed his presence, turning in his direction as he pushed his way through the crowd, but their skeptical gazes just rolled right off his shoulders. Even in a room full of his sworn enemies, he walked around like he owned the place. Remus, meanwhile, did not want a modicum of attention. He felt a wave of relief when he spotted Lily across the room, sitting on a couch with Marlene. They were the only two other Gryffindors in the room, though there was a fair smattering of Ravenclaws and fewer Hufflepuffs scattered throughout the crowd.
Remus pointed them out to Sirius, who quickly veered off course towards the couch.
“Holy fuck,” Marlene said, grinning up at Sirius, blue eyes amused but unfocused. “Sirius Black, in the Slytherin dungeons?”
Sirius stuck his tongue out at her and vaulted over the back of the couch to flop down beside her, close enough that they were touching. He snatched the firewhiskey bottle out of her hands and took a huge swig straight from it.
“Wow, okay,” Marlene laughed. “Save some for the rest of us.”
Sirius turned and held the bottle out to Remus where he stood behind the couch. “Here,” he said.
Remus glanced at Lily. Her grin was a little too messy, her cheeks a little too flushed, and Marlene was already pretty drunk herself. He pushed the offered bottle away. “I think one of us oughta stay sober,” he said.
Sirius and Marlene broke into a chorus of disapproving “boo”’s and groans. Marlene snatched the bottle from Sirius’s hands and took a swig.
Remus took the opportunity to turn around and glance at the rest of the party, leaning against the back of the couch. It was surprisingly messy, Remus thought, for a Slytherin party. The last time he’d been in the Slytherin common room, with Marlene, there had been a distinctly quiet, formal energy, even in the midst of the game of spoons, and Remus had expected a similar energy from a larger party. They were mostly rich purebloods, after all. But, if anything, this party was even more chaotic than the Gryffindor ones. The lighting was startlingly dim, so you had to squint to identify anyone in the crowd, it stank of alcohol and sweat, and the distinct lack of music was hardly even noticeable over the sheer volume of people’s voices. They weren’t even using glasses, Merlin’s sake, just drinking whiskey straight from the bottles.
He turned back around to the couch, and at that very moment, someone bumped right into him, a splash of his drink spilling down the side of Remus’s jumper. Remus turned, startled, to face the offender. The Slytherin gave him a dirty look, as if it were somehow his fault, and turned back around to face his friends, mumbling something about “dirty half-bloods.”
Remus turned back to face his friends. Sirius was half leaning against Marlene, clutching the bottle, the two of them laughing about something that was almost definitely not funny. He sighed. “On second thought,” he said, reaching down and prying the bottle out of Sirius’s fingers. He didn’t even wince when it burned down his throat. He’d gotten used to it by now.
Dorcas came by a few minutes later. Sirius was the first to acknowledge her presence with an enthusiastic “Happy birthday!”
Dorcas thanked him but looked mildly horrified by his and Marlene’s positions, practically draped across each other. She caught Remus’s eye with a pointed look over the couch. She and Remus had had a few more conversations about Sirius and Marlene over the weeks, ultimately deciding that the two of them had to be kept apart at all costs when drinking. She rushed forward to grab Marlene’s arm. “Hey, Marlene, I wanna show you something!”
Marlene leapt up enthusiastically and followed Dorcas into the crowd. Dorcas turned around and shot Remus a conspiring look over her shoulder. Remus took advantage of the open space and slid into the spot beside Sirius where Marlene had been sitting. Sirius immediately leaned against him instead, pressing his nose against the side of his jumper and wrinkling his nose dramatically at the smell. “Merlin, Remus. How drunk are you?”
“Someone spilled their drink on me,” Remus huffed.
Sirius hummed, straightening up a bit so he could retrieve a half-crushed pack of cigarettes from his leather jacket pocket.
“I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke in here,” Lily said.
“We’re not allowed to smoke anywhere in the castle,” Sirius said, half-muffled by the fag between his lips. He lit it and took a drag, offering the pack wordlessly to Remus. Remus declined it. He didn’t particularly want to make himself stand out any more than he already did.
A few moments later, a Slytherin girl who looked a little younger than them, perhaps Regulus’s age, shuffled over to the couch, wringing her hands together nervously. “Er-” she said.
Sirius’s gaze rolled over to her in drunken disinterest. “Uh huh?”
“Er- could I maybe- have a cigarette? Please?” she asked.
Sirius looked about ready to scoff before cutting himself off suddenly. His gaze softened into something a little more thoughtful, and he shrugged. “Have at it, kid,” he said, tossing the pack to her.
She beamed and caught the pack, chirping a thank-you and returning to the rest of her friends.
Remus looked at him, smiling. “You gave her the whole pack.”
Sirius shrugged again. “I can get more.”
The girl lit up her own cigarette and passed the pack to her friend. It began making its way across the party, cigarette smoke mixing with the stink of alcohol and sweat.
Sirius glanced back at Sirius, who was watching the pack as it was passed around. “That was really nice, Sirius,” Remus blurted.
Sirius smiled. “Well, you know how it is,” he said smugly. “Trying to be better, it’s-” his eyes widened suddenly and he cut himself off suddenly with a violent, hacking cough, as if he’d inhaled too much smoke at once.
Remus followed his gaze to the source of his horror. Regulus, with his fair complexion and jet-black hair, stood out in a crowd in much the way his brother did. He was puffing on a cigarette of his own.
“What the fuck?” Sirius hissed when he’d recovered his voice. “Reggie doesn’t smoke.”
Remus shrugged. “S’pose he does.”
“Is he fucking crazy? Those things’ll kill him! They- they cause fucking cancer!”
“But you smoke them,” Lily cut in.
“Yeah, I’m the oldest, I can do whatever I want!”
Remus’s gaze flickered back to Regulus, who was standing with Pandora, also instantly recognizable due to her white-blonde hair. They were clearly watching Sirius but looked away the moment Remus looked their way, instead smirking at each other, hands half-covering their mouths, likely relishing Sirius’s horror.
“Ugh, and he’s with her? ” Sirius groaned. “That bi- er. Nevermind.”
Lily exchanged a look with Remus. “Nice save.”
The more one drank, Remus had realized, the quicker parties seemed to go by. He’d lost track of the amount of swigs they’d taken, but at some point, the bottle ran empty. Remus, with the newfound courage running through his veins, volunteered to get a new bottle, if only to get off the couch for a few minutes.
The room spun when he stood. Merlin, he was pretty drunk. Any nerves or discomfort had disappated completely. He spotted Dorcas in the crowd and pushed straight through to her in much the way Sirius had before. His lips felt sort of jiggly, like he wouldn’t be able to form the correct words, so he held the empty bottle up in front of her in lieu of explanation.
“Oh,” Dorcas said. “We’ve got plenty more in Barty’s closet. It’s down that hall, sixth door on the right.” She pointed him down the hallway, dark, stone, and ominous looking. Remus took a step towards it, and Dorcas stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Make sure you leave the door open,” she said. “And don’t close it behind you, either. It automatically locks.”
Remus wasn’t quite sure how he’d gotten there, but in a moment, he was standing in what must have been Barty’s room. The flimsy closet door before him was cracked, and he took a step forward to push it open all the way. It was a rather large closet, walk-in, and absolutely stocked with countless bottles of firewhiskey. Merlin, weren’t they all fifteen? Should fifteen-year-olds really be drinking this much? He was so stuck on the bottles that he didn’t even notice the boy sitting on the floor until he stood up to block his view, arms crossed haughtily before his chest and mouth twisted into a very familiar scowl.
“Oh,” Remus said dumbly. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were…”
Regulus shrugged.
What was he doing in there? Just sitting?
Regulus’s scowl deepened. “Just trying to get away from the noise,” he said stiffly.
Oh. So Remus had said that out loud.
“I’m just here for a drink,” Remus said.
Regulus turned around, took a bottle off the shelf, and handed it to Remus wordlessly.
“Thanks,” Remus said. The silence, though awkward, was actually a little bit nice. He hadn’t realized just how loud and chaotic it was in that main room. He almost didn’t want to return yet. He sort of wanted to sit down with Regulus, not that the kid would ever let him.
“So, uh,” he said.
Regulus raised an eyebrow in annoyance, as if to say you’re still talking?
“I didn’t know you smoked,” Remus said.
“Oh, I don’t, really,” Regulus said. “I just thought it’d be funny to freak him out.”
The identity of “him” went without saying, Remus supposed. “Huh. That’s-” he snorted. “That’s actually pretty funny.”
Regulus shrugged, smiling wryly. He had a proud little glint in his eye, the same one that Sirius had all the time. It was rarer on Regulus.
Remus couldn’t find any other conversation topics in his addled mind, so, clutching the bottle, he turned to the door to leave. He grabbed the doorknob to close it behind him.
“Wait!” Regulus cried frantically. “Don’t close it!”
“Right, sorry,” Remus said. “Er- why can’t I close it again?”
Regulus sighed, rolling his eyes as if he’d had to explain this a million times already. “Barty charmed the door so he’s the only one who can open it.”
That was actually rather smart, Remus thought, though it did seem a bit unfair. There was only one closet in the room, and it was taken up completely. “But- doesn’t he have a roommate?”
“Yeah, me.” Regulus said flatly.
“Oh,” said Remus. “That’s- er- annoying.”
Regulus hummed in agreement.
With nothing else to say, Remus backed out of the doorway awkwardly. “Alright, well, er- bye,” he said, to no response. Despite Regulus’s rudeness, Remus still felt a strange sense of accomplishment as he made his way back down the hallway with a bottle in hand. Regulus was a pretentious asshole, Remus knew that, but some small, inexplicable part of him wanted Regulus to like him. Perhaps it was just knowing how much Sirius loved him.
The party stretched on for a few more drunken, blurry hours. There were only a few fleeting memories, laying on the couch, laughing with Lily, he and Dorcas dragging Marlene and Sirius away from each other, sip after sip of firewhiskey until his throat felt burned raw.
He ended up back on the couch, firewhiskey bottle empty, sitting between Sirius and Lily again. Marlene and Dorcas were stretched out on the carpet in front of them. Barty, Evan, Pandora, and Regulus sat in a small circle on the floor a couple of meters away from them. Remus hadn’t even noticed how close they were before, the full room being something of a buffer between the two groups. With the party winding down, the crowd was becoming sparse. Below them, Marlene and Dorcas had entered a lively, slurred discussion about their best birthdays.
“Well, my ninth birthday, my sister got me my first record,” Marlene was saying. “But then I didn’t even get to listen to it until my tenth birthday, because that’s when she got me the player.”
“My thirteenth birthday everyone threw me a surprise party,” Dorcas said. “I think that was the best birthday. Or- actually, come to think of it, Reg probably has the best birthdays,” she added. She turned suddenly to face him.
Regulus perked up, glancing wide eyed at Dorcas. “Huh?”
“I said you probably have the best birthdays, ‘cause your birthday is Christmas, y’know? Like, double holiday.”
Regulus’s birthday was Christmas? But Sirius hated - Oh , Remus thought. Sirius’s passionate, seemingly unfounded hatred for Christmas suddenly made much more sense. He glanced over to find Sirius staring at the floor sheepishly, refusing to meet his eyes.
On the other side of the room, Regulus squirmed uncomfortably. “Er, yeah,” he said. “That’s one way of seeing it, I suppose.”
Evan seemed to sense Regulus’s discomfort and cut in suddenly. ”I have one!” he said. “On Dora’s sixth birthday, she ruined her cake and-”
“Evan!” Pandora screeched, blushing. “Merlin, you’re so embarrassing!” She threw a pillow at him, which he dodged with a laugh.
Sirius watched the interaction with a certain glint in his eye that set Remus on edge. He straightened up on the couch suddenly. “I have one!” he said.
All eyes turned to Sirius. It was a bold move, bold enough to make Remus want to shrink back into the couch. While Sirius, in many ways, ruled over Gryffindor tower, the dungeons were Regulus’s territory, and if he expressed any discomfort with Sirius’s presence, Remus had no doubt that Evan and Dorcas would throw him out without a moment’s hesitation. With Sirius speaking, and so soon after Regulus did, the realization seemed to hit the room all at once that both Black brothers were present in the same space, and not lunging at each other’s throats. The silence was tense. Regulus’s friends stared at him as if waiting for him to make one wrong move.
“A birthday story?” Dorcas asked.
“Well, it’s not a birthday,” Sirius said. “But it’s a story from when I was a kid.”
Remus had to fight through his drunken mind to contain his shock. Never, in their months of friendship, had Sirius ever once volunteered a story about his childhood, and now, in the presence of a bunch of people who very likely hated him, he decided to start running his mouth about it?
Regulus, meanwhile, looked uncomfortable, fidgeting in his spot and staring down at the carpet nervously. Pandora had a hand placed on his arm.
“Alright, so there was this one time-” Sirius began, seemingly unaffected by the room’s discomfort. “It was the Summer of- okay, I actually don’t know the year. But I was probably like, twelve or so. But anyway. The whole family was staying in the summer house- like, us and our cousins and everyone- and one day when we were all sitting in the living room our grandfather-”
He cut himself off with a snort, shaking his head. Remus exchanged an awkward glance with Lily, who nodded pointedly past Remus toward Regulus, diverting Remus’s gaze in his direction. It was even more of a shock for Remus to find Regulus smiling. He was doing his best to hide it, of course, with a fist pressed against his mouth, but the mirth was evident in the sparkle of his eyes, almost identical to Sirius’s.
Sirius noticed it as well, and it was only adding to his own hysteria. The snort became a full-blown laugh, muffled behind a hand as he shook his head frantically. He caught his breath. “Okay, okay,” he panted. “Our grandfather-”
He burst into laughter again as Regulus ducked his head down to hide his face behind black curls. The rest of the group was speechless, exchanging awkward looks as if unsure of whether they should be laughing as well. The looks that Regulus, in particular, was receiving from his friends told Remus that this level of laughter from him was a rarity.
Sirius made a big show of taking a deep breath as if to calm himself down before his gaze flickered to Regulus and the sight of his laughter forced another giggle out of him. “Okay,” he said, taking another deep breath. “Okay, so, we were all in the living room, and our grandfather- he- he fell down the stairs, ” Sirius choked out before dissolving into hysterics.
Beside Pandora, Regulus had practically folded over himself, his face buried in his hands, black curls bouncing. The group exchanged bewildered looks across the carpet.
“He fell down the stairs?” Dorcas said. “What’s so funny about that?”
The comment seemed only to spur on their laughter. Sirius’s face was bright red, a few tears running down his cheeks as he panted, “You just had to be there.” He shook his head. “Like, it was so funny. The whole family was laughing. Our mother was laughing. Our father, Bellatrix, Narcissa. We were all laughing.”
The group all wore matching wide-eyed, alright, then looks.
“Any more heartwarming family memories?” Marlene deadpanned. “Your grandma ever, like, have a stroke or something?”
“ I thought it was funny,” Barty declared, nudging Regulus. “If my dad fell down the stairs, I’d laugh too.”
“Exactly!” Sirius cried, throwing a hand in Barty’s direction.
“Wait, Barty,” Dorcas cut in. “What was that story you wanted to tell me? Your dad’s story?”
Barty stared at her blankly.
“Y’know. You said he wouldn’t shut up about it all holiday, and just kept telling it to you like it was a lesson…”
“Oh, that one!” Barty said. He sat up a bit, smiling loosely. “Alright, I’ll tell it. Listen up. So once upon a time there’s a scorpion and a frog. And a river.”
“Wait, is this like, a fairy tale?” Marlene cut in.
“Yes, now shut up. So the scorpion and the frog want to cross a river-”
“Don’t scorpions live in the desert?”
“Maybe, I don’t know, it’s my dad’s story, not mine! Anyway, the scorpion wants to cross the river, and the frog is gonna cross the river. So the scorpion asks the frog for a ride, but the frog is like, fuck no, cause the scorpion’s just gonna sting him. But then the scorpion is like, no, I won’t because if I do then you’ll drop me and we’ll both die. Cause, y’know, scorpions can’t swim. So the frog says okay and the scorpion gets on its back and the frog swims across the river but while it's swimming the scorpion stings it and they both drown. The end.”
There was a brief moment of silence as the group processed the story.
Sirius was the first to speak. “Okay, what the fuck is the point of that story?”
“Yeah, aren’t fairy tales supposed to have lessons?”
“That’s what I keep saying!” Barty said. “He thinks he’s so smart every time he tells it, I swear. It makes no sense. What’s the fucking lesson?”
Regulus mumbled something beside him, staring at the carpet.
“What was that, Reg?”
“I said it’s a fable, not a fairy tale,” Regulus said.
Barty frowned. “What the fuck is the difference?”
“Fables are about animals,” Regulus said. “Fairy tales are about like, princes and princesses and shit.”
Barty paused, staring at him, seemingly at a loss. Then, he stiffened his posture, stuck his nose up in the air and, with an extremely exaggerated French accent, said, “Fables are about animals,” in a crude impression of Regulus’s posh demeanor.
Regulus stared at him flatly and stuck his tongue out.
“A fairytale,” Marlene slurred from the floor. “That’s like… that’s like, Cinderella and shit.”
“Who’s Cinderella?”
“Merlin’s sake, you people don’t even know Cinderella…”
The conversation quickly devolved into drunken retellings of fairy tales, which Remus didn’t care one bit about and was probably too drunk to pay attention to anyway. Time was blurring together, and by the time they really started winding down he felt about five seconds from either throwing up or falling asleep.
Regulus was the first to get up, stumbling towards his room with a shrug and a “I’m tired,” when Barty asked why he was leaving. Lily, thank Merlin, followed suit quickly, getting up from the couch and announcing that it was about time they got back to Gryffindor tower. Remus, Lily, Marlene, and Sirius headed for the door while the Slytherins reluctantly pushed themselves to their feet. They began, rather uselessly, to clean up empty bottles, as if they could make any sort of dent in the chaotic mess of their common room.
“Should we stay and help?” Lily asked reluctantly, watching their paltry efforts at cleaning.
“Fuck no,” Marlene grumbled. “It’s their common room. Let’s go.”
Sirius’s hand shot out to grip Remus’s arm before he could follow.
“Wait a minute, Remus,” he whispered. “Give me a sec.” He turned and rushed back into the common room.
Marlene and Lily exchanged a look. “Er, we’re just gonna head back to Gryffindor, I think,” Marlene said. “You have fun with that.” She patted Remus on the back before linking her arm in Lily’s and heading off down the hallway.
For one horrifying second, Remus thought that Sirius was going back in to find Regulus, which certainly would have ended in disaster. Instead, he turned around to find Sirius running after Pandora.
“Hey,” Sirius hissed. “Uh- blonde girl!”
Remus cringed. Not a great start.
Pandora turned around, scowling at him. “What?” she demanded, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“I just, er-” Sirius said. He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing down at the floor. “Er, I just wanted to- well, you remember… um, that thing I did. Last time. I, er, feel bad about it. I guess I mean to say, er, I’m… I’m sorry.”
He forced the word out as if it were painful to say. Surprise briefly passed over Pandora’s features before her eyes turned skeptical. “You’re sorry?” she asked.
“Er, yeah. I’m sorry,” Sirius said, his tone a bit firmer the second time around.
Pandora stared at him, bewildered. “Er. Okay.”
If Sirius was bothered by her lack of forgiveness, or even acceptance of the apology, he didn’t show it. “Alright, great,” he chirped, clapping his hands before whirling around to catch back up to Remus. Pandora cast Remus a bewildered look. He could only shrug in response.
Sirius reached Remus’s side, grinning. “I apologized,” he said proudly.
Remus couldn’t help but return his smile. “I saw,” he said. Sirius fell into step beside him as they began their walk back to Gryffindor tower. “Yeah, um, maybe next time try to remember the person’s name that you’re apologizing to? Just for future reference?”
Sirius groaned. “Well, I’m drunk,” he whined. “I’m making progress.”
“Yeah, no, it’s good,” Remus said. He wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he was actually rather impressed. By an apology . Merlin, Sirius had set the bar low.
Time seemed to lurch forward in a drunken blur and all of a sudden they were halfway up Gryffindor tower. Remus blinked and glanced at Sirius, who was staring off into space with a goofy grin on his face.
“What?” Remus asked.
“Did you see how he laughed at my story?”
It took a moment for Remus’s brain to catch up to Sirius’s train of thought. “Oh, Regulus. Yeah,” Remus said. “It was… sweet.”
“Ugh,” Sirius sighed, shaking his head. “I just- ugh, I love him so much.”
Remus blanched, rather startled by the blunt vulnerability of the statement.
“I wish he would just- ugh. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.”
“Hey, no, it’s- it’s okay. Y’know, you guys were in the same room, right? That’s progress.”
“He didn’t even look at me, though,” Sirius said sadly. “I’ll be lucky if he ever speaks a word to me again.” The grin had been replaced by a sad, empty-eyed stare.
Remus’s heart clenched at the display. He couldn’t help but feel there was still hope for them. Perhaps Lily was right, all they needed was to be forced to be alone together.
When they reached Siruis’s door, he spent about a full minute fumbling with the key, squinting as he tried to align it perfectly with the hole, hissing “shut up, Remus,” as Remus laughed at him. Finally, he managed to get it through the keyhole and spent another few seconds unnecessarily jiggling the knob in frustration. After a loud, unpleasant moment, he pushed the door open and swept his arm in front of him dramatically, taking a step back. “After you,” he said.
It was only after Remus had stepped into the room that he realized he had absolutely no reason to be in here. He was only supposed to be walking Sirius back. He turned back to face Sirius, who stepped through the doorway, smirking. He did that coy blink of his, holding Remus’s gaze as he shut the door behind him.
“Y’know, I see what you did there,” Remus said.
Sirius widened his eyes. “What’d I do?” he asked innocently, shrugging off his jacket and tossing it onto the floor. He headed over to Remus, stumbling over various shoes and articles of clothing on the floor, and stopped in front of him, reaching out to grab his hand. It was a fumbled, uncoordinated movement that left Remus plenty of time to pull away but he didn’t.
“Sirius…” Remus said. “I should really go back to my room.”
Sirius clasped Remus’s hand between both of his and looked up through his lashes. “Go ahead, then.”
Remus glanced over Sirius’s shoulder to the door.
He should leave, he told himself. He ought to leave. He was a werewolf. He shouldn’t-
The lingering presence of Sirius’s fingers on the back of his hand was an infuriating distraction.
Right. He shouldn’t do this. He was a werewolf. It was selfish. Sirius deserved better, he deserved a person , at the very least, he didn’t know what he was doing, but…
Remus was lonely.
It was a hard thing to admit, but he was drunk and in another person’s room and he’d spent nearly seventeen years watching all of his friends get kissed and asked to dances and lose their virginities while nobody ever even spared him a second glance. He was a werewolf, he knew. He could never be normal, and to engage in any romance with anyone was borderline manipulative. But it seemed like everyone else around him had already had their first love and he wanted it, too. He shouldn’t, but he still did and there was nothing he could do about it. Was it so horrible to want to be loved?
“Remus,” Sirius whispered, close enough that Remus could feel the little puffs of air against his neck, smell the alcohol and cigarettes in his breath. Nobody had ever wanted him before. Nobody , and then, all of a sudden, the most beautiful person at the whole bloody school did. What was he supposed to do with that?
Sirius’s gaze lingered right on Remus’s lips. “...Can I?” he asked softly.
Sirius lingered there, centimeters from his lips. Waiting for Remus’s approval. For some reason, it was that- the fact that he was waiting- that set Remus over the edge.
“Yeah,” he said simply.
Sirius wrapped his arms and Remus’s neck and kissed him. His lips were soft and pliable beneath his, his grip around the back of Remus’s neck impossibly gentle. Remus slid his arms around Sirius’s slender waist, pulling him close so their bodies were pressed together. Sirius tasted like cigarettes and alcohol, smelled like hairspray and cheap cologne, and the kiss was sloppy and careless and inebriated. Remus didn’t care. He felt light, as if a weight was lifted from his chest. The animal was gone, for once. There was nothing in his mind but Sirius Black.
In a sudden surge of energy, Sirius removed one hand from the back of his neck and twisted his fist into the front of Remus’s jumper, dragging him backwards toward the bed. He sat down on the edge, his lithe arm still wrapped around the back of Remus’s neck. Tightening his grip on Remus’s jumper, he yanked him down further, flopping backwards onto the bed with Remus falling nearly on top of him, scrambling to positon his arms around Sirius’s head so he didn’t crush him. His fingers tangled in the blanket around Sirius’s head as Sirius’s kisses increased in speed and desperation. After a moment, the pressure of Sirius’s hand against his chest increased to a gentle push.
Remus felt a surge of panic and broke away immediately, panting. Had he done something wrong? Sirius’s pupils were blown wide, his cheeks flushed. He didn’t look uncomfortable. “You okay?” Remus breathed.
Sirius sat up and cut him off with a kiss, moving to grip both Remus’s arms and reposition him to the side. Sirius threw his weight at him and Remus dropped back onto the bed, his head lining up perfectly with the pillow. Sirius wrapped both legs around his waist, grabbed the back of his own t-shirt and pulled it off in one fluid motion, tossing it carelessly to the floor.
Remus pushed himself up so he was half-sitting up against the headboard. He stared up at him, wide-eyed, panting. Sirius was limber, his chest all sharp, skinny angles, a few sparse freckles scattered about like constellations on his pearly white skin. Layers upon layers of t-shirts and leather jackets and big smiles and confidence had been stripped away completely, and even with the fiery look in Sirius’s eyes and the strong fingers gripping his hair, Remus felt he looked almost fragile. Like Remus could hurt him if he wasn’t too careful. Nerves hit him all at once, tightening in his chest.
He was a werewolf. He was a werewolf . What was he-
Sirius ducked down to suck at his neck, the star pendant on his necklace dangling in the space between them. Remus wanted to touch him, but… he suddenly felt he was doing everything wrong. He didn’t know what had happened. It was like a spell had been broken. His hands hovered awkwardly around Sirius’s bare torso, as if the tiniest bit of contact would ruin everything.
“Touch me,” Sirius whispered against his neck, breath tickling Remus’s raw skin.
Heat rushed to Remus’s cheeks, and not in a good way. Shit, what was wrong with him? He was nearly seventeen years old and he couldn’t even snog properly. Why couldn’t he just be normal?
He placed a hand on Sirius’s bare waist awkwardly. Sirius shuddered at the contact, and Remus removed the hand immediately, panic sparking in his chest. “Shit, are you ok-”
“Put it back,” Sirius whispered before moving back up to Remus’s lips.
There it was again, the cigarettes and alcohol taste, the soft, familiar pressure of Sirius’s lips on his, and Remus felt his discomfort begin to fall away. He placed his hand back on Sirius’s waist, his other hand sliding easily into Sirius’s hair, and the resulting shiver only made him tighten his grip. “Like that,” Sirius breathed out between desperate, hungry kisses.
With a sudden surge of confidence, Remus grabbed a fistful of Sirius’s hair and jerked him in close to suck at his neck. While one of Sirius’s hands stayed tangled in Remus’s hair, tightening and loosening in a steady rhythm, his other one played at the hem of Remus’s jumper, fumbling with the fabric until he found Remus’s undershirt and slipped underneath it to his bare skin. Remus genuinely couldn’t recall the last time someone touched his bare chest. It was foreign, but not unwelcome, as warm, spry fingers roved over the scarred texture of his skin. “Remus,” Sirius panted.
Remus drew him closer and sucked harder. Sirius’s grip tightened on the back of Remus’s neck, drawing his head even closer to his neck. “Harder, Remus,” he panted. Remus increased his pressure.
Sirius’s fingers ghosted over the bite scar over Remus’s hip. Remus ignored it, focusing instead on Sirius’s breaths and the soft, raw skin between his lips. He sucked harder, Sirius’s fingers pulling at his hair, running over his chest, and, completely involuntarily, he felt his teeth sink into soft, pliable skin.
Sirius let out a sharp gasp.
The wave of panic hit Remus all at once, and in a moment, he was detaching himself from Sirius’s neck, his hands flying off of Sirius’s skin like it had burned him, and shoving Sirius away. Sirius scrambled backwards in his own quick panic and looked at Remus, startled, pupils blown wide, lips swollen and shiny, cheeks flushed.
They stared at each other in that strange, shocked state for a moment before Remus asked, “I- Did I- Are you okay?”
Sirius continued to stare, dumbfounded, his eyes wild and disoriented. After a few seconds, he blinked rapidly and ran a hand over his tangled mess of hair as if to shake it off. “I- what? I’m fine, Remus.”
Remus’s gaze lingered on Sirius’s neck. A little patch of red marred his white skin. “I bit you.”
Sirius’s expression was pure, earnest confusion. “Er- yeah?”
“I bit you.”
“Okay? I fucking wanted you to, Remus, I was literally shoving your teeth into my neck. What’s the big deal?”
“But- why would you want that?”
“It was hot. Duh,” Sirius said in bewilderment. “I liked it. Just-” he rubbed a hand over his face, sighing. “Just don’t worry about me, Remus, okay? I’m totally fine. Now let’s just-”
He ducked down to press another kiss to Remus’s lips. Remus remained stiff and awkward beneath him. He wanted to return it, but- it felt wrong. He felt disgusting.
Sirius pulled back after a moment. “No?” he asked softly.
Remus wiped his lips with the back of his hand and shook his head wordlessly.
“Oh,” Sirius said. “Okay.”
He looked down sheepishly and crawled off of Remus, flipping over onto his back to lay down beside him. They laid there in awkward silence. Remus felt horrible. They’d been having a great night and he’d gone and ruined it. He had to take a few breaths before speaking to ensure that his voice didn’t come out strained, like he was holding back tears.
“Sorry,” Remus whispered finally. It sounded strained anyway.
“Er, it’s okay,” Sirius said quickly. “It’s not- y’know, we’re both drunk. We probably shouldn’t have anyway. It’s fine. No big deal. Really.”
Remus nodded, not daring to look over at Sirius. “Okay,” he said.
Sirius let out a huge, drowsy yawn. “I’m fucking tired anyway,” he said. He rolled over onto his side and tucked his face against the side of Remus’s jumper, sighing into it.
Remus laid there stiffly, unsure of what to do now. They weren’t going to do anything, so… he should go, right? He didn’t particularly want to leave, but he could literally feel Sirius’s limbs slackening against his side and leaving would only be more awkward if Sirius fell asleep on him. Sighing, he made to get up, pushing himself up into a half-upright position.
Sirius lifted his head, squinting and wrinkling his nose at Remus in confusion. “Where are you going?” he slurred.
Remus resisted the urge to smile at how adorable Sirius looked, half-asleep, blinking rapidly, hair falling in a mess around his face. “Er- back to my room?” he said.
“Oh.” Sirius said. “Er, are you sure?”
“About what?”
“About- like- I dunno. You don’t have to go.”
“But- why?”
Sirius blushed. “Er, just- I dunno. Only if you want to.”
Remus bit his lip, considering. “I mean…” he said. “James is in my room anyway, so…”
“Yeah, and they’re probably asleep already.”
“Right, and I don’t want to wake them up.”
“And you’re drunk.”
“Yeah, I shouldn’t walk back drunk.”
“Exactly.”
“So…”
“So… you should probably stay.”
“Yeah,” Remus said. He slid back down so he was laying on his back.
“Now I can use your jumper as a pillow,” Sirius slurred. He tucked his face into the side of his jumper, his hair tickling Remus’s neck.
“Someone spilled firewhiskey on that spot, y’know,” Remus said.
Sirius let out a sleepy, halfhearted hum of acknowledgment, muffled by the thick fabric. Remus smiled and glanced down at him. His face was pressed into Remus’s jumper, but he could tell he was already pretty much asleep. Remus himself couldn’t relax, his heart still pounding from the events earlier, but Sirius’s gentle demeanor had calmed him a bit. If he was upset with Remus, he wouldn’t be asking him to stay and falling asleep on him, right?
Of course, now he probably thought Remus was a freak who couldn’t even snog properly without freaking out, but at least he wasn’t upset. Remus shut his eyes and took a few calming breaths, trying to slow his heartbeat.
Next thing Remus knew, there was a beam of sunlight shooting through the blinds straight into Remus’s brain and splitting his head open. He blinked his eyes open for only a moment before squeezing them shut again. His joints throbbed- even more so than usual- simultaneous nausea and hunger churned sharp pains through his stomach, his mouth was parched dry, and the beam of light from the blinds was only adding to his splitting headache.
He forced his eyes back open and glanced upwards to the window above the bed, white-hot pain shooting through his mind. Why had he left the shade up at night?
The hangover was so overwhelming that it was only when he attempted to push himself up to grab the shade that he remembered exactly where he was- the unfamiliar blankets, hairspray and cheap cologne smell, and, most noticeably, the presence pressed against his side, trapping his arm and weighing down his chest.
Sirius had, somehow, pressed even closer to him during the night. The top half of his body was resting on top of Remus, his head pillowed against Remus’s chest, one fist loosely gripping the fabric of his jumper. Remus couldn’t see his face through the mass of black waves, but he assumed he was still asleep from his steady breathing. And the fact that he wasn’t currently groaning in pain from his own hangover.
Remus’s body was heavy and fatigued. It didn’t feel like he’d slept at all. He attempted to push himself up to reach the blind but didn’t even manage to raise his arm, Sirius remaining a dead weight on his chest.
He laid back against the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut, but the light seared through his eyelids. He’d only ever experienced mild headaches and stomachaches after a night of drinking, and he’d always been rather unsympathetic towards his friends when they complained of hangovers, but now… Merlin, now he understood.
“Sirius,” he whispered. “I gotta close the blinds.”
Sirius didn’t even stir.
Remus slid his free hand under Sirius’s chin and tilted it up so his face was visible. He was still asleep, features relaxed, lips parted, a tiny patch of drool staining his jumper beneath them. He looked adorable like this, Remus thought. Really adorable. Affection swelled up in his chest, intense and overwhelming like nothing he’d ever felt before, and he didn’t quite know what to do with it. He pressed a quick, light kiss to Sirius’s forehead. He could just lay here staring at him all morning, but- a throb of pain hit his head like another beam of light. He felt like his brain was about to explode.
“Sirius,” he whispered, carding a hand through his hair. “Wake up.” His fingers caught in a knot.
Sirius drew in a deep breath, a little crease appearing between his eyebrows. His eyes fluttered open only to squeeze shut again, his nose scrunching up in pain. “Fuck,” he groaned, the word slurred and barely intelligible.
“I know,” Remus whispered. He wiggled the shoulder trapped beneath Sirius’s weight. “Lemme close the shade.”
With another groan, Sirius detached himself from Remus’s side and flopped over onto his back, covering his eyes with a bare arm. Remus pushed himself up into a sitting position, reached up, and pulled the shade down. The room was plunged into blissful darkness, the pressure in his head instantly reducing to a dull pain. The moment he flopped back down onto the bed, Sirius turned right back toward him to bury his head into his jumper.
“We didn’t even drink that much,” he whined, voice slurred and muffled.
“We definitely did,” said Remus.
“Whatever,” Sirius said.
Remus sighed heavily, closing his eyes again. He couldn’t even imagine walking back to his room like this. He needed to fall asleep for another ten hours.
He chanced a glance at the clock and practically shot up into a sitting position, the movement making his head spin and joints ache. Sirius groaned as he tumbled off of him, throwing his arm back over his face.
“Sirius!” he said. “It’s ten AM!”
Sirius hummed.
“James could come in at any minute!”
“So?”
“So you’re shirtless and I’m in your bed.” He threw the covers off and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. A wave of nausea and lightheadedness swept over his body at the sudden movement. “Shit,” he said, burying his head in his hands and breathing deeply, trying to reorient himself and suppress the urge to vomit, which was becoming very overwhelming.
“Wait, is this your first hangover?” Sirius slurred from the bed.
Remus rubbed his temples. “Shut up.” His own voice seemed to reverberate through his throbbing skull.
“Awwwww,” Sirius cooed.
“I might throw up on your floor,” Remus choked out.
There was soft movement beside him, and what sounded like a drawer opening. Sirius tapped him on the shoulder, a movement which sent a wave of discomfort over his skin, and handed him a small vial of something. “For the nausea,” he said.
That was all Remus needed to hear. He downed the whole thing in one gulp and tossed the empty vial onto the floor, wincing at the taste. “Damn,” he said. “You sure that wasn’t poison or something?”
There was a brief pause. “Oh, wait,” Sirius said. “Shit.”
“What?”
“Ha. Got you.”
Remus sighed. “I liked you better when you were asleep.”
“Heard that one before.”
Remus sat there, head in his hands, breathing deeply, simply waiting for the churning in his stomach to subside. Beside him, he thought he heard Sirius taking a potion of his own, a movement that wasn’t loud at all but still sent a wave of pain through his head. When he was confident enough that he could lift his head without another bout of nausea, he looked over at Sirius. He was sitting by the nightstand, empty potion bottle in his hand, staring at Remus. Remus was about to make a comment about his incessant staring before something else caught his eye.
“Your neck!” he gasped.
Sirius’s hand flew to his neck, fingers ghosting over it until they found the mottled, red bruise under his jaw. He pressed it tentatively, grinning. “Nice,” he said.
“No, not nice!” Remus cried.
“Don’t be such a prude, Remus,” Sirius said. “Seeing me with a love-bite is like seeing James with glasses.”
“But James always wears his-”
“Yeah, exactly,” Sirius said. “Any girl could’ve given it to me. It’s not like there’s a giant mark on my neck that says ‘Remus Lupin bit me.’” He paused, considering. “That would be hot, though. I think I’d like that, actually.”
Remus groaned, flopping back onto the bed and covering his face with his hands. His stomach roiled at the movement. “Does it hurt?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
Remus’s hands flew from his face. “Yeah?”
Sirius shrugged. “Well, yeah, a little, but it’s nice. I like it.”
Remus put his hands back. “Oh, Merlin,” he groaned.
“Hey, Remus,” Sirius tapped his arm. “Can I ask you something?”
Remus peeked through his fingers. Sirius was hovering over him, seated on the bed beside him with his legs tucked to his chest. “Well, you’re going to, I suppose,” he said.
Sirius glanced down awkwardly, his cheeks flushing. “Er, am I- am I, like, your first? Y’know, like… er… y’know.”
Remus let out a loud, pained groan, his muscles physically clenching from embarrassment. Merlin, this could not get any worse. “That bad?”
“No!” Sirius cried. “No, good! Really good! I’m impressed, honestly. It’s just- you should know, like, you don’t have to be all careful about everything. You don’t have to worry about hurting me. I’ve had- I’ve been- just, you don’t have to worry about it. I’m good, I promise.”
Remus removed his hands from his face, not even bothering to hide his blush anymore. He glanced up at Sirius, eyes roving over the love bite again. “Yeah, but… I bit you.”
“So? People bite each other all the time. It’s normal.”
“But I’m- it’s disgusting. That’s like, what animals do.”
“Yeah, exactly,” Sirius said. “It’s hot.”
“You said it hurt.”
“Yeah, but like… there’s hurt hurt, like bad hurt, and then there’s good hurt, y’know?”
Remus shrugged. He didn’t know, really, but he’d had enough embarrassment for one day and he’d only been awake for fifteen minutes. “I suppose,” he said. “Just… next time, you’ll tell me if it’s bad hurt, right?”
“It’ll never be bad hurt with you, Remus.”
Remus sighed. It will be , he couldn’t help but think.
This was all getting to be too much. He needed to go back to his room and think for a while. He sat up. His head still throbbed, but the nausea, at least, had begun to subside. “I should really get back, Sirius,” he said softly.
“Oh,” Sirius said. “Er, okay.”
Remus swung his legs over the edge of the bed and shoved his feet into his shoes while Sirius sat there, watching him silently.
“I didn’t, er-” Sirius began hesitantly. “I didn’t mess anything up, did I?”
Remus stood up and turned to face him. He sat on a pile of blankets, still shirtless, hair a tangled mess around his face, looking up at Remus uncertainly. Remus couldn’t help it; he leaned down to kiss him, a quick, fleeting peck on the lips, but Sirius looked up at him afterwards as if it had been something miraculous.
“No,” Remus said. “We’ll talk later, okay?”
Sirius nodded, smiling, and Remus turned for the door, headache still pounding at his brain.