downpour
"Can we stifle the old, the lingering Remorse,
That lives, quivers and writhes,
And feeds on us like the worm on the dead,
Like the grub on the oak?
Can we stifle implacable Remorse?"
The flower petals had been a nice fucking touch.
Sirius had, in all honesty, spent that entire week waiting for Remus to come back to him. Their little fight had lasted much longer than he’d expected, and by the third or fourth day he was beginning to regret starting anything at all but by that point he couldn’t exactly go crawling back to Remus himself. Besides, he wanted Remus to be the one to come back. He’d wanted proof that Remus missed him.
In the end, Sirius had technically been the one to come back, but he’d been drunk and horny at the time so it really didn’t count. Besides, Remus had been the one who decided to get all romantic with flower petals, which, again, were a nice fucking touch. Sirius had walked back to his room that night feeling all light and giggly like a teenage girl, and the craziest part was, he wasn’t even embarrassed by it. Not even when some random kid in the stairwell had seen him do a little celebratory jump in the stairwell when he thought he was alone. The next morning, he’d spent most of breakfast trying to catch Remus’s eye across the table, sending him secret little smiles each time. Remus, even after being the one who had pulled the whole fucking flower petal stunt, still seemed to be operating under the whole “just friends” thing. Sirius was past that point.
Queer, straight, both (was that a thing?), fucking whatever, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he was fucking gone for Remus Lupin. And maybe there was something wrong with him, but it didn’t feel fucking wrong.
He hadn’t fucked anyone in months. The thought of even getting near someone who wasn’t Remus Lupin was absolutely revolting to him. When he wasn’t with Remus, all he could think about was getting near Remus. When he was with Remus, all he could think about was getting closer to him. Nothing was ever close enough. Not even when he was properly drunk and had an excuse to practically drape himself over him without a care in the world.
He wondered if this was how girls felt about him. Merlin, it was exhausting. And fun. And sort of scary, too. Was this what it was like to really fancy someone? If it was, Sirius thought, he’d never actually fancied anyone before. He’d just thought he did.
Things slid back into normalcy rather quickly. When Remus and Sirius had smiled at each other at breakfast the next morning, Lily and Mary had let out a collective sigh of relief at the fact that they’d “gotten over their bitchfight.” They began hanging out as a group again, he and Remus talked to each other in poetry class, and they resumed their Shrieking Shack visits with James and Peter.
There was, however, an energy shift. Sirius liked Remus, and he made no secret of it, at least between the two of them. He’d brush his fingers against the back of his hand in the hallways, quote sickeningly romantic poetry shit at him, and get embarrassingly clingy when they were drunk. He wanted nothing more than to snog Remus (and more, honestly) and he did everything in his power to convey it to Remus. The ball was in his court.
Remus, disappointingly, didn’t do much with it. Sure, he was his perfectly nice perfect self all the fucking time, but when it came to Sirius’s flirting, he just sort of ignored it. Which was, to Sirius, frankly pretty fucking rich behavior coming from the guy who’d basically seduced him in a stairwell with fucking flower petals mere weeks ago, but he tried not to get too frustrated about it. He hoped that Remus wasn’t still stuck on the whole apology thing.
Back when they were together, Marlene had taken special care to point out Sirius’s “apology problem,” chalking it up to his being a “stubborn motherfucker” and part of a “toxic pattern of behavior”... whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean. Girl stuff, Sirius supposed. Anyway, it wasn’t just stubbornness that prevented him from apologizing- it wasn’t as if he couldn’t physically say the words or anything. He just wasn’t sorry. And if he wasn’t sorry, he wasn’t going to say sorry.
It was, he’d admit, a bit immature, dumping Remus on the spot and then ignoring him like that for a whole week, but it wasn’t as if he’d actually ended their friendship. He had just wanted to show Remus that he was mad at him, and that was the only way he could think of to do it. Yelling in his face hadn’t been the best decision, he’d admit, but he’d had a terrible fucking night and everybody lost their temper sometimes. It wasn’t something he had to apologize for. He was only fucking human.
Remus hadn’t mentioned any of the apology stuff since that night, so Sirius was inclined to believe that wasn’t the problem. Perhaps he was still struggling with the queer thing. Or he just wasn’t ready for some other reason. Sirius was, miraculously, okay with that. One kiss from Remus was worth a million-year wait, as far as he was concerned.
The first month or two of second semester was spent in this limbo of waiting, and, irritating as it was, Sirius could stand it. Sure, he didn’t get to do everything he wanted to do with Remus, but at least they were still friends. He had to at least try to be okay with that for now. Life was actually, strangely, not bad. In fact, Sirius may have even called his life good if not for one little element. One tiny, obnoxious, bratty, pretentious little swot of an element.
He hadn’t spoken to Reggie since their fucking disaster of an interaction in the library. But he, unfortunately, saw him every day, either in the great hall or the hallways. On good days, Reggie simply wouldn’t notice Sirius looking. On bad days, Reggie would notice, send him a cold glare, and return to whatever he’d been doing with a newfound scowl and distinctive furrow in his brows. Sirius tried his very hardest not to let it get to him, but it was nearly impossible. He’d thought being ignored was bad, but this was far, far worse. Reggie wasn’t even being cold anymore, he was just outwardly hostile, and Sirius would never admit it in a million years, but it fucking hurt . All he’d done was try to talk to the kid and now all Reggie would do was glare at him across rooms and wrinkle his nose at him like he was something he’d scraped off the bottom of his shoe. Sirius regretted ever even going to the library. He should’ve stuck to the old plan, getting close to Reggie through Dorcas, but Merlin knew it was too late for that now.
The incident that really set things in motion was in late February. James and Sirius were walking down the halls together when James suddenly remembered that he had a meeting with a professor which was supposed to have started ten minutes ago. He let out a dramatic gasp, grasping Sirius’s arm and crying about how late he was going to be as Sirius burst into laughter beside him. James pivoted on his heel abruptly, shouting to Sirius about how it wasn’t funny, and Sirius, rather than attempt to speak through his laughter, reached a hand up to ruffle the back of James’s chestnut curls. James cast him a look of faux-annoyance over his shoulder before bounding down the hallway in the direction of the meeting, drawing a few curious glances as he ran against the current of movement.
Sirius turned back around, still laughing, to see Reggie standing across the hallway, scowling directly at him as if he’d been personally offended by the entire interaction.
Sirius was in no fucking mood to deal with Reggie’s bullshit on that particular day and pointedly directed his gaze right up at the ceiling, pretending not to have even noticed Reggie as he walked by. It turned out to be a mistake.
One moment, he was walking by Reggie with his eyes glued to the ceiling, the next he was stumbling, and then he was flat on the floor. It genuinely took a moment for his brain to catch up with what happened, hands braced against the hardwood floor, staring down at it in a haze of stunned disbelief.
Reggie had fucking tripped him. He hadn’t pulled some creative prank, hadn’t even used magic, Merlin’s sake, just stuck his foot out and tripped him right in the middle of the hallway. It was so fucking juvenile, so unbefitting Reggie’s newfound heir status and pompous, snooty persona that Sirius almost wanted to laugh. He tried to laugh, honestly, because that would probably be more consistent with his uncaring Sirius Black persona to the huge crowd of students who were blatantly watching the interaction like fucking vultures. Probably waiting to go run off and tell their friends that the youngest son of Orion Black had just tripped his disowned brother in the middle of the fucking hallway.
But he couldn’t even force a smile. His cheeks burned, chest aching from pure, childish hurt. All he could do was keep his head down as he stood up and brushed his robes off, pushing through the crowd, hissing at some poor kid to “fucking move,” hoping his hair was doing enough to hide his blush because that wasn’t just a dirty look or a dismissal, that was a blatant, petty public humiliation and it was a new fucking low, even for Reggie.
Reggie had disappeared into the crowd, probably all fucking proud of himself for embarrassing his much-cooler big brother, and Sirius was partly relieved for that fact because if Reggie was still fucking standing there Sirius didn’t even know what he’d do. Probably something really stupid. He had the distinct urge to seize Reggie by the arm and scream in his face, which would absolutely only worsen the situation in such a public setting.
But he had to rant, had to express all this pent-up shit to someone but James was in his meeting and his thoughts flew immediately to Remus, always in the library at this time of day. He made a beeline for it.
“I mean, it’s bullshit, Remus, it’s petty fucking childish bullshit. What the fuck have I ever done to him, huh? Be a good big brother, that’s all I’ve done, and he doesn’t even try. I mean, tripping me, seriously? If he’s so fucking mad at me, he could at least talk to me, hell he could at least look at me like a normal fucking person, y’know?”
He was sitting by Remus’s side on his usual couch, tucked in a partially secluded corner of the library, hissing at half-volume so as not to draw too much attention. He’d plopped right down beside him and began his angry rant, not even bothering with a greeting or preface.
It was only after Sirius had gotten it all out and seen the troubled, rather shocked look on Remus’s face that he remembered he’d been making a particular point not to discuss this stuff with Remus. Not because he didn’t trust him- frankly, Remus was probably the smartest person Sirius knew- but because too much pushing and prodding at the Reggie topic would eventually lead back to his parents and… no. Sirius wouldn’t say he was too fucking eager to get into that.
“Whatever, it’s not important,” he said in a rather flimsy attempt to backpedal. “I have James now. He’s my real brother. I should just forget about him, I don’t know why I keep lingering on it.”
“Sirius, you can talk about it with me,” Remus said softly, and Merlin, Sirius hated when he took that tone because it was far too nice and just made Sirius want to tell him more. “He’s your brother, of course you’d be upset.” He paused, glancing down a bit awkwardly. “Just so you know, though… I hung out with him a while ago. Not a lot, obviously, and it was in a group, but I figured you should know so I’m not keeping secrets or anything.”
Sirius blanched. That was the last thing he’d expected to hear. “You what?”
“Y’know, that night when I went out with Marlene. We went to hang out at Dorcas’s dorm, and Regulus was there.”
“You fucking what? ”
“Sirius…” Remus sighed. He looked tired, and it made annoyance flare in Sirius’s chest. What did he have to be tired about? Sirius was tired. Remus didn’t even know tired.
“No, what the fuck, Remus, I told you to stay away from my little brother, didn’t I? It’s none of your fucking business!”
Remus turned on the couch so he faced Sirius fully, demeanor so calm and flat that it only frustrated Sirius more. “Sirius, you can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?” Sirius spat.
“This! Freaking out over everything. I know that it’s- er, I know it’s complicated, but I’m trying to be honest with you here and you’re acting like an arsehole. Merlin, talking to you is like walking on eggshells sometimes!”
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t-”
Sirius paused as Remus’s words caught up with him.
Like walking on eggshells. He himself had had that thought once. About his mother. The image came to him before he could stop it: his mother’s face looming over him, eyes full of silver rage, mouth twisted into a snarl. Sirius’s little self, squeezing Reggie’s hand, standing in front of him to block him from her view. Voice shaking, choosing every word ever-so carefully, deathly afraid of saying one little thing that would invoke her anger. It was an exhausting game to play with someone you spoke to every day. Especially when you’ve only just learned how to speak.
Fuck, was Sirius like that? He did not want to be like that. Like her .
He drew in a breath, tried to wipe the anger from his expression, and looked up at Remus. “Is it really?”
Remus’s gaze softened considerably. “I mean, yeah, sometimes, mate. It’s okay to be angry but just… y’know, keep your knickers on, alright?”
“Okay,” Sirius nodded, feeling chagrined. “Okay, yeah. I’m still pissed, but you’re right, Remus.”
Remus looked pleasantly surprised, staring at him with a sort of proud half-smile. “Alright, good.”
Sirius huffed. This was all getting rather too heartfelt for his comfort. “Did you really mean what you said about the knickers, though? Because you are looking very-”
“If you finish that sentence, I’m leaving.”
“Alright, just thought I’d put the offer out there.”
Remus shook his head, blushing, mouth creeping up into a slight smile. Satisfied to have put it there, Sirius settled back into the couch with a smirk.
What had they been talking about in the first place? Right, Reggie. Merlin, Remus really got him off track sometimes.
It was a rather funny thought, Remus and Regulus in the same room together, much less interacting. Had they spoken to each other at all? What did Reggie even do with his friends? Sirius couldn’t imagine he’d be a good person to hang out with, with all his stiff humorlessness and empty-eyed glares. Merlin, he wanted to hear all about it.
Remus was looking at him sort of peculiarly. Sirius hesitated. He didn’t want Remus to think he cared. James was his brother now, anyway. He shouldn’t even be asking about it.
“Did you want me to tell you about the Slytherins?” Remus asked.
The Slytherins . Not Regulus . A very specific choice of words. Sirius shrugged. “If you want to, I suppose.”
“Well, they were pretty normal, honestly. A lot like our friends. Marlene and I were there for a few hours-”
A few hours. Merlin, Remus had spent more time with his brother in the past year than Sirius had.
“...we played a card game, we were drinking a lot, so… it was fun. They’re not so bad, honestly-”
“Wait, drinking?” Sirius said. “Reggie wasn’t drinking, though.”
“Er, he was, yeah.”
Reggie, perfect little Reggie, drinking? Sirius shook his head. He couldn’t imagine it. “No, he doesn’t drink. He would never.”
“I dunno what to tell you, mate, he was definitely drinking.”
What the fuck? Sirius couldn’t even imagine the kid with a bottle in his hand. In a moment of pure, embarrassing weakness, Sirius found himself asking, “What was he like?”
“Er- quiet. Nice enough, I suppose. Well, no, okay, I don’t think he liked me much. But with his friends, no different from any other kid, really. Just laughing and smiling and… y’know, whatever you do when you drink with your friends, y’know?”
“He was smiling? And laughing?”
There was a brief pause in which Sirius refused to look at Remus.
“Well, yeah, Sirius.”
It was that overly soft, kind tone again, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to think much of it. Instead, his mind was consumed with the thought of Reggie, drinking with his friends, laughing, joking around, just like Sirius did. Just like any normal teenager. He couldn’t even fucking picture what that looked like. Sirius wasn’t sure what he’d thought- he knew Reggie had friends, and he supposed that’s what everyone did with their friends, but still. It was jarring. He’d thought that the Reggie he saw in the Hogwarts halls and in Grimmauld Place before he left was the only Reggie that existed anymore, with the empty eyes and cold demeanor. He hadn’t seen the kid smile, hadn’t heard his laughter in fucking years .
He didn’t even know his brother anymore, he supposed. He didn’t know what it was to hang out and drink with Reggie, didn’t know what he liked to joke about or found funny, didn’t know what his laughter sounded like with his post-pubescent voice, didn’t know if he still got those dimples in his cheeks when he smiled.
“Sirius?” Remus prodded. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” Sirius said quickly. “It’s just…”
He wanted to ask Remus what he thought. Remus was smart, he was calm, he held it together all the time. He’d have good advice, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to ask. It was scary, for some reason.
“Y’know, with you and Regulus…” Remus said gently, and Merlin, Sirius must not have been as good at controlling his expressions as he thought he was. “...I know it’s not my place, and I know I can’t really understand, but sometimes with these things the best thing you can do is just clear the air.”
Sirius frowned. “Clear the air?”
“Yeah, y’know, just… be totally frank. Tell him everything you’re thinking.”
“I’ve tried that, Remus, but he won’t let me, he refuses to listen. Last time-” he let out a hysterical laugh. “Last time, I finally got through to him, he stopped like he was gonna listen and then fucking Evan Rosier came through and ruined everything.”
“I mean…” Remus said hesitantly. “It’s getting ridiculous. I literally wasn’t even allowed to mention your name when I hung out around Regulus. This just… it can’t go on, Sirius. This may be bad advice, but… you need to get him alone and make him listen.”
“I know, but he gets so upset and shuts me out, and then I get upset, so he gets even more upset, and it’s just a fucking disaster, Remus.”
“Listen, I know this isn’t what you want to hear,” said Remus. “But you can’t get mad, Sirius. I know he probably acts like a git but sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. If you keep your cool, he’ll keep his cool.”
“I try to keep my cool-”
“Well, you don’t try hard enough. Look, I know I don’t know him, but he doesn’t strike me as the type to get loud and aggressive. Right?”
“Definitely not.”
“Right, so if you get loud and aggressive, he’s just going to take it as a threat and run away. But if you stay totally calm, if you lay out all your points logically- then he’ll have to listen. Then he’d be the irrational one if he didn’t.”
Sirius sighed. “You're right, it’s just, y’know, I can say that I’m gonna stay calm now, but when the time actually comes…” He paused, thinking of his mother again. “I really don’t want to be like that, Remus,” he added.
Remus frowned. “Huh?”
“Y’know, like you said… getting mad at every little thing, making people walk on eggshells around me… I really, really don’t wanna be like that.”
Remus stared at him, that nice, soft look in his gaze, and maybe Sirius found it a bit comforting this time. “Maybe just… try to pause, y’know? Like, when you feel yourself losing your temper, close your eyes and breathe for a moment. Try to think of something that calms you.”
Sirius bit his lip. “...and… you think that would work with Reggie?”
“Well, I don’t really know him, but it’s at least worth a try. Doesn’t seem like anything else has worked yet.”
Sirius hummed. “I suppose I really did blow my chance last time, huh?”
“It’s alright, Sirius. You’ll get another opportunity.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“You know him better than anyone,” Remus said. “You’ll find one. Just- when opportunity strikes, you have to take it. Don’t wait around.”
You know him better than anyone. It was a rather comforting thing to hear, even when Sirius was beginning to doubt its truth. How did he always know exactly what Sirius wanted to hear? He stared at Remus, who had, in Sirius’s silence, redirected his attention back to whatever homework he’d been doing before Sirius’s arrival. Eyes focused on the page, little strands of dark blonde hair falling into his face.
Merlin, he was beautiful. Sirius could hardly even handle looking at him these days. It seemed some cruel form of torture that he should have to look at a face like that and not be allowed to kiss it.
“Have I ever told you how utterly wonderful I find you?”
Remus glanced at Sirius and flushed, cheeks tinging pink beneath raised white scratches. “Sirius-” he began, shaking his head.
“What?” Sirius asked. “Just-friends find each other wonderful, don’t they?”
Remus rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly, though he was clearly fighting back a smile through his blush. Sirius turned briefly, glancing about the library. There was hardly anyone about, and especially in their secluded little corner, no one was looking their way.
“Here’s something to complain about,” he whispered, leaned in, and pressed a brief kiss to his flushed cheek. He jumped up from the couch, gathered his bag, and made a beeline for the exit. “Bye, thanks Remus!” he chirped.
He turned in the doorway, expecting to see annoyance or exasperation on his features, but Remus was only grinning as he stared down at the page.
The quidditch game later that week was headed for disaster before it even began.
First of all, Remus was in one of his shitty moods, which had plunged Sirius into an equally shitty mood. As wonderful as Remus was, his mood swings were unbearable sometimes. He was like a girl. Perfectly happy and friendly for a few weeks straight, and then all of a sudden, he’s all snappy, doesn’t want to see Sirius, will avoid him for full days at a time due to sickness. It was fucking exhausting.
Sirius wasn’t stupid. He knew that Remus must have some sort of disease or chronic illness or something. He wasn’t sure what it could be- it seemed to affect everything, sore limbs and scratches and three sick days in a row about once a month. He’d thought, at first, that perhaps Remus’s parents were like the Blacks, but fresh scars during the school year had quickly dispelled that notion. Besides, parents would have to be especially stupid to fuck up their kid’s face like that. Everyone knew to keep it under the clothes- no limbs and no head.
It seemed especially unfair that someone like Remus should have to deal with this. At least with what Sirius had gone through, however dramatic the punishments were, he’d earned them. Remus, as far as Sirius could tell, had done absolutely nothing to deserve this bullshit. He was too nice. Life was so fucking unfair.
He knew that whatever Remus was dealing with was likely far worse than Sirius’s annoyance at his absence, but still, that did nothing to dispel his foul mood every time Remus was in one of his episodes. Sirius hadn’t even seen him the day before and the thought of playing quidditch without Remus in the stands was rather unexciting to him.
Second of all, the match was against Slytherin, and although Sirius generally enjoyed the Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry, it did add a certain pressure to win. A loss against Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw was just a loss, but losing to their arch-rivals, and more than that, Sirius’s own little brother- who he very publicly did not get along with- in front of the entire school was just plain humiliating. And, Sirius had to admit, Reggie was a really good player. The best seeker in the school, which was a source of endless frustration for Sirius, who was quite a good chaser himself but hadn’t quite earned himself the same reputation. And if that made him a little bit proud too, well, no one had to know about that.
And, on top of all of that, it was fucking raining. More than raining, it was a torrential fucking downpour. The pitch had become a sea of muddy, sandy puddles.
If Sirius was in a foul mood at the start of the match, by the time an hour had passed, he ultimately decided that he had never once in his life been so miserable during a quidditch game. He felt like he’d been on this broomstick for fucking forever. His uniform was soaked through to his skin, his hair clung to his face in stringy pieces, his limbs shook from the biting cold. The rain pounded against his back and shoulders and head, turning every player into a shaky blur, drowning out any other noises.
If there was one comfort about this whole situation, it was the knowledge that every other player was just as miserable as he was. Hardly a point had been scored yet. It was simply a waiting game for the seekers. Whoever caught the snitch would take the game, and most players seemed more attached to the idea of ending the match and getting out of the rain than actually winning. Reggie, in his typical bratty way, was taking his sweet time, hovering above the pitch, only moving to wipe his eyes and turn his broom about as he scanned the sky for the snitch.
A few hours into the match, the sun was beginning to set and if there was one thing Reggie hated it was the dark. Not to mention it would make it even harder to spot the snitch. Reggie’s posture had gained some tension after the first few rays of sun disappeared behind the stands, his speed picking up, and his gaze flitting about the pitch with a little more urgency. He was ready to end this game, Sirius could tell.
Reggie hovered above the pitch, scanning his surroundings with furrowed brows. Sirius wiped his eyes with a soaked arm, trying to see through the water that seemed to surround him. He probably should’ve been focusing on, y’know, chasing, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Reggie. He couldn’t stop thinking about hitting the floor, cheeks burning in humiliation, everyone watching in silence. The sheer, immature pettiness of the entire ordeal. And although he wanted nothing more than to get off this fucking broom and change into dry clothes, he, however petulantly, could not let Reggie win.
And- alright. Sirius wasn’t a seeker. It wasn’t his job to be watching Reggie like a hawk right now. But, fuck it. If their seeker was going to insist on being fucking useless Sirius was going to take matters into his own hands. He couldn’t catch the snitch himself, but he could stop Reggie from getting to it. There was nothing personal about that. It was just trying to get a win for his team. He hovered a few meters below Reggie, apt to follow the moment he made a move.
There was a flicker of movement by his ear, and he glanced up on instinct. Reggie had noticed it, too, if the way he stiffened on his broom was any indication. Sirius wiped his eyes and squinted, searching desperately for any hint of gold through the rain.
Then, he spotted it, against the wall of the stadium- a speck of gold in front of the red banner.
He looked up again, and silver eyes locked together through the rain.
Reggie was the first to move, beelining towards the snitch with firm determination, and Sirius shot out right after him. He couldn’t even bring himself to care about the fact that they were speeding toward each other, on a collision course for a wall. The only thought in his mind was getting to that snitch before Reggie could.
It hit him a few meters away that he wasn’t going to. Reggie was faster, and closer. But Sirius was already on course, already speeding towards him, and perhaps he could knock it out of his hand or something -
Two things happened at once: Reggie reached the snitch and Sirius reached him, and a moment later they hit the wall with a loud thud in a frantic tangle of limbs and water and blunt pain. The force had loosened Sirius’s grip on his broom, and, snitch forgotten, he scrambled to grab it with shaky, cold fingers, but its wet, slippery surface slid right from his fingers. Frantically, he reached for the next closest thing, another broom, with a slippery, skinny arm holding onto it. Through the roaring rain, he almost thought he heard a yelp of “Siri!” before his stomach rolled and the distinct, weightless panic of falling hit him.
It was over in a split second.
They landed on the wet sand with a thud and a distinct, cringe-worthy crunch .
Sirius knew how Reggie acted when he was in pain. He didn’t scream, like Sirius. He hardly made any noise at all. He’d gasp sharply and squeeze his eyes shut, brows furrowed together, chest rising and falling in frantic, but quiet, pants.
It was the little gasp beside him, not the lack of pain in his own body, that convinced him that the crunch had been Reggie.
Panic seized him, his body’s natural response to that specific gasp. He sat up immediately, adrenaline pumping through his limbs, knowing he should probably be in pain right now but his body blocking all of it out. He gasped for breath- the wind had been violently knocked out of him- and turned to look at Reggie on the ground beside him.
He’d rolled over so he was flat on his back, eyes screwed tightly shut, chest rising and falling with frantic pants, and even with his arm hugged close to his chest Sirius could tell it was bent at an unnatural angle. He must have landed right on it.
“Fuck!” he choked out. “Fuck, Reggie, fuck, I didn’t mean to-”
He reached for Reggie- he wasn’t sure why, what he hoped to achieve with it- but Reggie pulled away immediately, turning partly onto his side so his back was to Sirius, and Merlin , that must have hurt like a motherfucker on his arm, but he did it anyway simply so he could shut Sirius out and that fucking hurt . It hurt worse than the dull pain in his back and his limbs, which was starting to hit him.
Sirius sat there in a haze of throbbing pain and guilt and raindrops pounding against his skin for a moment before James landed by his side in a burst of energy. Hands immediately came up to grip his shoulders. “Shit, Pads, shit, are you okay?”
Sirius nodded, relishing the hands on his arms, the comfort of James’s physical presence. “I’m- I’m good-” he stammered, his voice still weak from having the wind knocked out of him.
James moved closer to wrap an arm around him as other players began to land in the wet sand. Evan Rosier was on his knees by Reggie’s side in a moment, helping him sit up, murmuring what Sirius assumed were some comforting platitudes but couldn’t hear over the violent roar of the rain. Sirius could only stare at them, Reggie’s back turned intentionally toward him, Evan with an arm around him, like he was his brother, horrible, bitter resentment burning in his gut. Evan turned briefly and caught his eye, a similar expression of rage taking over his face.
“What the fuck is your problem?” he shouted through the rain.
“Hey, leave him alone, it was an accident!” James said.
“He fucking kamikaze’d right into him, in what world is that a fucking accident?!”
“It’s quidditch!” James cried. “People get hurt all the time, it’s a risk of the game!”
“It’s not a fucking bump on the head, Potter, look at his arm, it’s practically fucking mangled!”
Reggie hit Evan with his good arm and shook his head vigorously, turning towards Evan but pointedly refusing to acknowledge Sirius or James. “I’m fine, Ev,” he said. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine,” and no , he wasn’t fine, because Sirius knew that sound, the tight throat and slight wobble to his voice, knew that it meant he was really upset and trying to hide it. Reggie shifted, as if trying to stand, and Evan took the hint, standing up as well and offering an arm of support.
Evan pulled him to his feet with a resentful glare toward Sirius. Sirius could only glare back, sitting in the mud and the rain watching someone else be a far better big brother than he was allowed to be, feeling properly chagrined and humiliated. This was a new fucking low for him. Reggie’s eyes were red, his breathing still off as he cradled his hurt arm to his chest, and the guilt was hitting Sirius full force. Reggie had been acting like a prat but that arm looked way worse than a stumble in the hallway. He had to try again.
“Reggie,” he started, pushing himself up to his feet as well, James right by his side. “Hey, it was an accident, okay, I promise I wasn’t-”
Reggie didn’t even acknowledge him. James, however, nudged him rather aggressively. “Pads,” he hissed.
“Shut up, Prongs,” Sirius said offhandedly. “Reggie, please, just look at me-”
“Sirius,” James grabbed his arm urgently. “Everyone’s watching.”
Sirius stopped. He wiped his eyes and turned around to take in his surroundings.
Everyone was watching. Both quidditch teams had landed and formed something of a crowd around the brothers, staring at the two of them through the pouring rain, enraptured. The stands were dead fucking silent. Merlin, this was probably more entertaining for them than the actual fucking quidditch game. Fucking vultures. Sirius’s family was none of their business. They had no right to see any of this.
Glancing about, Reggie seemed to come to the same realization, suddenly straightening up and taking a more controlled breath. “Evan, I’m gonna go,” he said, his voice a little more stable.
The Slytherin team captain emerged from the crowd suddenly, huffing, and approached Reggie, tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention. “Hey, Regulus, did you- did, uh-”
Reggie whirled on the captain, the pained look in his eyes instantly shifting into a death glare as he dropped the snitch at his feet with spiteful force. “Look, we fucking won, okay? Take your snitch and fuck off.”
Sirius smirked despite himself.
The captain gulped and turned away to face the rest of his team, flustered. Meanwhile, Reggie had turned to look up at Evan, saying quietly, “I just wanna be alone right now, Ev. Don’t follow me, alright?”
Evan bit his lip, glancing down at Reggie’s injury. “Alright, Reg…” he said softly.
Sirius glanced around again. The crowd in the stands was already beginning to shift and stand up, seemingly realizing that they weren’t going to see the Black brothers come to blows today. The Slytherins had broken out into a very mild, muted celebration of their victory- mostly just smiling at each other and high-fiving, none of their usual excitement- whereas the Gryffindors were simply staring at Sirius awkwardly.
James took notice of it as well. “Hey, show’s over,” he spat at the Gryffindors. “What are you staring at?”
The group turned away, chagrined, to whisper awkwardly to each other. Sirius hardly took notice of it. He was staring after Reggie, watching him trudge through the muddy pitch to get to the Slytherin locker rooms. All the Slytherins were still on the field. Which meant that Reggie would be in there, alone.
James grabbed his arm. “Hey, Pads, what are you…” he trailed off, his eyes following Sirius’s gaze, and his mind seemed to catch up with Sirius’s train of thought. “Sirius,” he hissed, tightening his grip. “Sirius, listen to me, not now. Not like this. This is a bad idea. It’s a bad fucking idea.”
It was a bad idea. But… he thought of what Remus had said. When opportunity strikes, you have to take it. Don’t wait around.
“Make sure no one follows,” he told James, ripping his arm from his grip, and he was speed-walking across the pitch, following Reggie to the Slytherin locker rooms.
He forgot about the rain, the water soaking through his hair and uniform, weighing him down, the aching in his muscles. He forgot about his broom, which he’d dropped in the air and was now laying somewhere on the pitch. He could only concentrate on getting to Reggie, getting him alone, telling him everything. He wouldn’t let him run away this time. He couldn’t.
Sirius was far enough behind that Reggie seemed not to notice him. He stopped at the door, staring at the blank wood. His little brother was on the other side of that door. This was his opportunity. He had to speak to him. It was now or never. He wasn’t going to freak out or get mad. He would stay calm and rational, like Remus suggested. He could do this. Anything for his little brother.
He drew in a deep breath and opened the door.
Reggie stood in the corner, whipping around to face Sirius at the movement of the door, and fuck , he looked small. He was hunched over his arm, shoulders hiked up to his ears, soaked to the bone, sopping black curls clinging to his pale skin. It seemed to take him a moment to register Sirius’s presence, blinking a few times in confusion, before his gaze hardened significantly.
“Oh, you have got to be-”
“Reggie, listen, I have to do this.” He shut the door behind him. Reggie simply stood in the corner, watching him in bewilderment.
“What, you here to finish me off?”
“No, Reggie, no. I just…” his eyes traveled down to Reggie’s arm, cradled to his chest. It was bent all out of place like it’d been hit by a curse or something. “Fuck, are you okay?” he blurted.
Reggie, if it was possible, seemed to close off even further. “I told you not to ask me that,” he spat.
“Okay, Reggie, okay,” Sirius said placatingly. “Look, I’m not here to fight, okay? I’m not trying to upset you.”
“Then leave.”
“You little-” Sirius stopped himself, pinching the space between his eyes. He wasn’t going to freak out. He couldn’t be that person. He heard Remus’s voice in his head; Close your eyes and breathe for a moment. Try to think of something that calms you.
He squeezed his eyes shut, and drew in a breath. He thought of ugly jumpers, soft brown gazes, callused hands cupping his jaw, cheeks flushing beneath raised white scratches.
Fuck, okay. Okay. He had this. He could do it.
“Reggie,” he said, and he was rather proud of how firm and calm his tone came out. “I think we just need to clear the air. Okay?”
Reggie stared at him blankly. “Clear the air?”
“Yes, and I’ll start, so you just listen.”
Regulus said nothing.
“Okay, so- okay,” Sirius sighed. “You just- I just-” He drew in another deep breath, trying to think of Remus. What would he say? What would he do? He’d stay totally calm, he’d lay out his points logically.
“We can’t do this anymore, Reggie,” he said. “This avoiding each other, glaring at each other, refusing to speak… it’s not working for us. It’s fucking terrible. I don’t-” his voice cracked a bit, but he carried on. “I don’t know what happened between us, Reggie, I don’t know when I stopped knowing you, when we stopped speaking to each other, but it’s horrible, okay? We’re miserable, and I just want to- I just want to be able to talk to you, as brothers. Our friends like each other. I want to be able to hang out in the same room together, I wanna be able to drink together, I want to know you. We have to let this go, please, Reggie, because we can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it. So- can we just try to talk about this fucking calmly? Please?”
Reggie stared at him, eyes blank, face neutral. For a few moments, they were both silent. Finally, he said, as soft as ever, “Is that all?”
“Oh, come on,” Sirius scoffed. “Come on, say something, tell me what you think.”
“I have nothing to say, Sirius.”
“Bullshit, Reggie,” Sirius said. “I know there’s things you want to say to me, so just say them, okay? I won’t get mad. I know you have to get shit off your chest. I’m giving you a fucking opportunity here.”
Reggie shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “I don’t want to.”
“Yes, you do, I know you, I know you have something to say!” Sirius said. His patience was quickly waning, and he feared that if he took another pause for another deep breath Reggie would seize the opportunity and run away. “Tell me what you’re thinking, okay? Make me understand! Fuck, yell at me, hit me, anything! Just give me something!”
Reggie stared at him, silent, expression unreadable.
Anger flared in Sirius’s chest. Merlin, he always fucking did this, stared at him with those empty eyes like he felt nothing and it was fucking horrible. Sirius would take hatred over that blank stare.
“Fuck, Reggie, are you even here?” he asked bitterly.
Reggie blinked, then frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know damn well what it means. Is that why I can’t reach you, you’re going away inside or whatever?”
Reggie shook his head quickly. “I shouldn’t have told you about that,” he huffed.
“Well, you fucking did, Reggie, you fucking did. Is that what this is? I mean, do you have any idea how fucking empty you look? Like, I look at you and I feel like you just feel nothing . Like, you’re this empty fucking husk, like- like they’ve gotten their claws in you and you’re all fucked up now!”
Reggie turned to face the wall, shoulders hunched up high, and Sirius reigned his anger in to give him a moment. He stood there, trying to maintain calm, steady breaths, watching Reggie’s back apprehensively. When Reggie turned back around, he was gnawing at his thumbnail, staring at the floor. His voice still came out in a whisper. “What do you want to hear from me, Sirius?”
“I want you to tell me that I’m wrong, Reggie! I want to look at you and fucking recognize you! I want you tell me you fucking hate our parents as much as I do, I want you to tell me you love me, I want you to tell me fucking anything!”
Reggie met Sirius’s eyes, still chewing his thumbnail. He was silent for a long moment, and again, Sirius didn’t dare speak. Remus would be proud, he thought, rather smugly. He’d lost his temper, sure, raised his voice a bit, but he wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t grabbing Reggie or forcing him into anything. The fact that the conversation had even made it this long was honestly a miracle. Remus really was smart. If he and Reggie managed to get through this Sirius would actually like to see the two of them hang out. They’d get along well, he thought.
Finally, Reggie drew in a shaky breath, drawing Sirius’s attention back to him. His expression had opened up a bit, eyes softened, and there was a clear shift in his energy. Something like hope seized in Sirius’s chest. He stared at Reggie carefully, didn’t dare move, didn’t dare speak, for fear of shattering the moment.
“Siri, I-”
The door burst open.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Sirius shouted, whirling around to face the intrusion. Evan and James stood in the entrance, breathless.
“I’m sorry, Pads, I tried to stop him-” James cried.
“Where the fuck do you get off, man?” Evan began. “He said he wanted to be left alone!”
“Fuck off, Rosier, this is none of your business!” Sirius shouted, and he could feel the fragile hold he’d had on his temper slipping through his fingers. “This is my family, not yours!”
“It is my fucking business, Reg is my friend and you’re treating him like shit!”
“I’m sorry, Sirius is treating Regulus like shit?” James cut in with a disbelieving laugh. “That’s fucking rich, you can’t really believe that-”
“Ev, let’s just go,” Reggie mumbled, taking a step forward towards the door.
Sirius stepped to the side to block Reggie's way. “No, no, Reggie, you were gonna say something, don’t walk away from me! Say what you were gonna say! Talk to me!”
Reggie took a step back, cradling his bad arm protectively to his chest as if he expected Sirius to pounce on it, shaking his head.
“No, come on, you were gonna say something! Was it about our parents? Was it about-”
“Sirius, stop it,” Reggie hissed. “You always do this.”
“Do what?”
“Broadcast our business to the entire school,” he whispered to the floor.
Sirius blanched. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You told everyone about what mother did, about you running away-”
“That was an accident, okay, Reggie, I was drunk, I didn’t mean to-”
Reggie met Sirius’s eyes. “I get drunk all the time, and I’ve never told a single soul about anything that went on at home. That’s between us, Sirius, it was supposed to be our secret, and now the whole school is talking about it.”
“Wait, is that really what you’re so mad about?” Sirius cried. “Listen, that night was a long story, okay, and I’ll tell you about it if you want, but I promise you, Reggie, I have never told anyone about our personal shit, okay? Never, I would never! That’s between us, it’s always between us!”
Reggie gnawed on his thumbnail again, studying Sirius intently. “Really, never?” he asked quietly. “You’ve never told anyone else?”
“Never, Reggie.”
Reggie’s deadly gaze slid over from Sirius’s face to one of the figures by the door. “What about him?”
Sirius turned around. James stood a few feet behind him, with a pale, distinctly guilty expression on his face. “James is… that’s different, Reggie.”
“How is it different?” Reggie’s voice had taken on a slightly louder, firmer tone, mouth twisted into a snarl. Merlin, he looked just like mother sometimes. It almost made Sirius want to shrink back.
“Reggie, I-”
“Tell me, Sirius, how is it different?”
“Because-” Sirius stuttered. “It’s James, okay, James is- he’s James!”
“How is it different?”
“Because he was fucking there! He saw me in the aftermath of the whole thing, and he patched me up, he didn’t try to lecture me about how I should just sit down and take it. He made me feel better . Bloody hell, Reggie, I fucking live with him, and I know you don’t like him, but he’s my family, Reggie, he’s practically my broth-”
“I’M YOUR BROTHER!”
Sirius flinched. Silence seemed to swallow the room whole.
Reggie wasn’t done.
“You have no idea how it feels, Siri! You have no idea how I feel when I see you running around the whole school with your stupid friends, calling him your brother like I don’t even exist anymore! Do they know you the way I do? Does he? Has he seen all the worst parts of you, have you two been through everything that we have together? No, but that’s why you like him, right? You think that if you just leave me behind and get yourself a new brother you can forget about everything that happened to us but I know. I know, Siri, I remember everything and I know you do too! And you get to leave it behind, but I’m still there, and I- and I do everything I’m supposed to! I do everything maman and father want from me, I put up with all of it, I live in their house and talk to their horrible friends and let them do whatever they want to me and I hate it! I hate it, Siri, but I suck it up and I do it and I never complain because I have to! It’s what’s expected of me! And what do you do, huh? Whatever you want! You run around saying whatever you want and doing whatever you want without ever thinking of anybody else! You are the most selfish person on the planet; you’ve never thought of anybody else your entire life and the worst part is, everyone loves you for it! You do whatever you want and you get everything, I do everything I’m supposed to and I get nothing! I deal with maman and father and the family and everything you ran away from, and on top of that, all that , I have to watch you run around the school pretending I don’t exist, calling someone else your brother! And then you have the nerve to try to stop me and talk to me and act like you care about me all of a sudden, as if you didn’t toss me aside like I was nothing to you! So here, I’ll give you my answer, Siri, since you keep asking: no, I’m not okay, I’ve never been okay, and it’s your fault! You’ve done this to me, so everytime you’re off having fun with your new brother, I hope you remember how you ruined your old one!”
A hush fell over the locker room as Reggie stopped, eyes wide, panting as if it had all just burst out of him in one breath.
It was a long moment before Sirius could even fully process everything Reggie had said, his brain still stopped on the shock of hearing Reggie yell. He wished he could maintain his calm, wished he could keep it together, but…
“Selfish?” He asked quietly. “Selfish?” A humorless laugh burst from his chest. “You did not just fucking say that, Reggie, you did not just call me fucking selfish. How many fucking punishments have I taken for you, huh? How many fucking punishments, since the moment you were fucking born? How many bruises, how many curses, how many fucking crucios-”
“I never asked you to do any of that! You did that for yourself!”
“What the- That doesn’t even make any fucking sense, Reggie! Because I fucking loved being crucio’d, is that it-”
“No, you did it so you could sleep at night! You did it so you could tell yourself that you were such a good big brother, so you could tell yourself that you loved me before you turned around and ignored me the moment we got to Hogwarts!”
“I do love you!”
“That’s a lie, Siri, that’s a lie and you know it! Saying it doesn’t make it true! You left me- you left me alone in that house, with her -” his voice broke. “You don’t do that to people you love, you don’t leave them behind-”
“I begged you to come with me, Reggie! I fucking begged you, remember that? I begged you, and all you did was stand there and stare at me-”
“-And what about before that, huh? You went to Hogwarts and you pinky-promised me that you wouldn’t forget me, remember that? You said I’d always be your little brother no matter what and you’d always love me more than anything, you pinky-promised and then you came back a full year later and all you could talk about was James Potter and Marlene Mckinnon and all your new friends that you loved more than me! I’d had the worst year of my life and-”
“I don’t love anyone more than you!”
“That’s a lie, Siri, you’re lying, stop lying to me-”
“How could you even- what the fuck are you talking about? I love you so much, Reggie, I love you more than anything in the fucking world, and what do I get for it, huh? Nothing!”
“Stop it, stop-”
“I love you so much and all you do is throw it back in my face! All you do is hurt me, that’s all you’ve ever done- every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, every painful thing, it’s all been because of you , and I still fucking love you! Do you even know- do you even-”
“You’re just like mother, Sirius!”
“Do you even understand-” Sirius was in such a haze of blind rage, yelling over Reggie, that it took a moment for the words to sink in. But when they did, it almost felt like falling out of the sky again, laying on his back with the wind knocked out of him. “I- what?”
Reggie stared at Sirius, silver eyes swimming with rage, posh mouth twisted into a snarl, and there was no fucking way he had the audacity to compare Sirius to mother when he was standing there looking exactly fucking like her, yelling exactly the way she yelled. Reggie, little fucking Walburga Jr, comparing Sirius to mother. “What did you just say?”
“You heard me, you’re just like her! You talk about how much you love me and then all you do is scream at me and treat me horribly and it’s all lies! Because if you really loved me, you wouldn’t- you wouldn’t- you wouldn’t be so mean , when you love someone, you don’t do this to them!”
Sirius let out a hysterical, disbelieving laugh. “Oh, I’m mean , is that it? Because me being mean is totally comparable to mother’s literal torture-”
“No, it’s worse! It’s worse! Because at least maman was always like that, but you- you used to be nice to me, you used to be my big brother and it’s like as soon as I got sorted into Slytherin you acted like I was just like maman and papa, like I didn’t even exist, you ignored me and-”
“Ignore you? How the fuck am I ignoring you, Reggie? I want us to be brothers again, I keep trying to talk to you, I’m trying so fucking hard, and all you do is push me away and fucking trip me in the halls-”
“Too little, too late, Sirius! You’re the reason we hate each other, you’re the reason we’re like this, you started this whole thing and now you’re coming back and trying to resolve everything and play the victim like I’m the awful one, but if it were up to me we never would’ve been like this in the first place! And- and you used to be so nice to me, and I- I dont- I don’t- what did I do? One day you loved me and the next day you hated me and I don’t- I still don’t understand why -”
“I don’t hate you!”
“Yes you do, Sirius, yes you do! You say you love me because you’re a liar, you’re lying to me and to yourself and you could at least be honest, you could at least be honest with me!”
“You want honesty, Reggie? Really? Here, then: I do love you, but I fucking wish I didn’t! I wish I was lying! Y’know, I see you at school every single day, I see you with your psycho pureblood friends in the hallway or in the great hall every fucking day and it fucking hurts! Every time I see you, it fucking hurts! I wake up each morning and I hope that today is gonna be the day that I look at you and I just feel nothing! I look at you and I finally realize I don’t love you anymore! You have no idea, the fucking relief I would feel, Reggie, loving you is a fucking prison, it’s a fucking curse and I hate it!”
“ I hate you- you left me- ”
“And it’s stupid, because you’re not even Reggie! I mean, I look in your eyes, and I see fucking nothing , Reggie! It’s like, you’re not my baby brother, you killed my baby brother! You’re a hollow fucking empty husk of him and I have to fucking love you because you look like him even though my real baby brother is dead, and he’s been dead for years, and that’s fucking horrible, Reggie, you have no fucking idea how fucking miserable you make me! You- you’ve hurt me so fucking bad, Reggie, you’ve hurt me more than your fucked up fucking brain could even begin to comprehend!”
He sucked in a huge, gasping breath. He hadn’t meant to say any of that but Reggie was just- he’d made him so angry he couldn’t even think- his brain was short-circuiting, eyes blurred with tears, hands shaking with the distinct desire to hit something, to inflict some sort of hurt . He couldn’t even see Reggie through the tears, couldn’t see if he was as upset as Sirius or if he was just staring blankly. The rage flared in his chest, filling him with every rapid heartbeat, and-
A strangled noise erupted from Reggie’s throat. It was dangerously close to a sob.
Fuck . Sirius scrubbed frantically at his eyes until Reggie came into focus a few meters in front of him, leaning against the wall of the locker room, one arm hanging loose and unnaturally crooked by his side. He was turned away from Sirius, practically clinging to the wall, face tucked into the elbow of his good arm. His shoulders trembled.
Guilt clawed at Sirius’s chest, because he’d meant every fucking word but he couldn’t just stand here and watch his baby brother cry. He reached forward to wrap an arm around him or wipe his tears away or something , but Reggie pulled away, always pulled away, and in a haze of panic, he grabbed his arm and yanked him towards him, he couldn’t let him get away again-
Reggie let out a childish cry of pain and Sirius released the hurt arm, panic seizing his chest, apologies flying from his lips in a frenzy. “Shit, Reggie, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-” He took a step back and threw his hands up as if in surrender, but it didn’t matter because Reggie wasn’t going to fight back, he never -
He didn’t even see the fist coming.
His cheekbone erupted in pain as he gasped, bringing a hand up to clutch his face, moreso at the shock than the pain. Reggie stared up at him, eyes wide, apparently as shocked as Sirius was, good fist still poised in the air. Reggie had hit him. And fuck , for a skinny, one-armed kid, he packed a mean fucking punch.
They stood there, locked in simultaneous shock for a brief, calm moment, silence hanging heavy in the locker room. Almost as if each was daring the other to make the first move.
It may have been Sirius. He didn’t know, but it didn’t matter because in a moment, they were fighting. Really fighting, dirty and brutal and mean . Scratching, biting, hair-pulling, crying, every hit fueled as much by love as hate in that way that only siblings could fight. Hurting Reggie went against his very nature, against every fiber of his being, but Merlin, he wanted to, wanted to make him feel every ounce of pain he’d inflicted on Sirius over the years. Remus was right, he supposed, he was a walking contradiction.
It could have been thirty seconds or five minutes, passing in a torrent of limbs and pain and cries, in bloody noses and tears and handfuls of rain-soaked hair. Reggie was nearly impossible to pin down, slippery and just as quick as he’d been as a little kid. Sirius slapped Reggie right across the face, Reggie grabbed a handful of Sirius’s hair and yanked , Sirius grabbed Reggie’s good arm and dug his fingernails in, dragging them across his skin as Reggie attempted to yank it away. He couldn’t even tell which grunts and whimpers of pain were his or Reggie’s, it was all tangling together in a flurry of waterlogged clothes and pain and pure fucking rage. For a moment, Sirius had the upper hand, a tight grip on Reggie’s good arm, pinning him to the floor with a forearm across his chest. He raised a hand as if to hit him, but stopped. Reggie’s expression below him was screwed up in pain, staring up at him with big, childlike eyes, and the stab of guilt- that brief moment of hesitation- was enough for Reggie to get the jump on him. He shoved his bony knee into Sirius’s stomach, Sirius grunted and released his hold, and all of a sudden Reggie was on top of him. He laid another punch on his cheek. Sirius took it. It felt half hearted, significantly weaker than the first despite Reggie’s advantageous position. Sirius didn’t even move. He was too exhausted.
Reggie could’ve gone for another punch- hell, he could’ve killed Sirius if he wanted to- but that final hit seemed to have drained all the energy from him. With a hysterical, strangled gasp, he pushed himself away from Sirius and collapsed to the floor by his side.
They were side by side on their backs, panting, completely drained. Everything ached- his cheek where Reggie had punched it, his stomach where Reggie had shoved his knee into it, his scalp where Reggie had tugged on chunks of his hair. Reggie’s breath was coming in brief, frantic hitches beside him, chest rising and falling rapidly. They may have laid there like that for longer than the fight had even lasted.
Reggie was the first to move, pushing himself up into a sitting position with his good arm. He sat there, panting, staring at the floor with his arm still hugged to his chest for a few moments, seemingly stuck in the same shell-shocked, post-fight haze as Sirius. He ran a hand through his frizzy, half-dried curls. After a few seconds, his eyes cleared, and some realization seemed to come over him. He turned his head, gaze shooting over towards the door where James and Evan-
Fuck. James and Evan. Sirius had forgotten they were even here.
They were still standing there in the doorway, faces unnaturally pale, staring wide-eyed at the brothers with comically similar expressions of horror and pure bewilderment. Reggie turned back to glance at Sirius, and Sirius recognized immediately the little glint in his eyes, hysterical amusement, and for a split second Sirius thought the two of them were going to burst into laughter at the pure absurdity of the situation.
Then Reggie’s gaze hardened, and he turned away, and the moment was over.
Reggie made to stand up, struggling to push himself up with one arm, and the little whimper of pain that escaped his throat seemed to break Evan from his shell-shocked haze. “Reg,” he said quickly, rushing over to his side and grabbing his good arm to pull him to his feet.
Evan’s movement had shattered the silent tension of the locker room, and in a moment, James was heading over to Sirius’s side as well, helping him into a sitting position, mumbling something that Sirius tuned out completely. He was watching his brother, wobbly on his feet, half-leaning on Evan for support, back turned to Sirius. For a moment, Sirius thought Reggie was just going to walk about without another word.
He was both relieved and further saddened when Reggie turned in the doorway to face him, signature glare in full force. His hair was a mess of damp, frizzy curls, skinny limbs shaking from the cold, blood smeared across his pale skin from his nose and lip. His silver glare was just as hard as usual, even behind the thick film of redness and the tears pouring down his blotchy cheeks. He spat a glob of blood onto the tile floor.
His voice was scratchy and strained, damaged from yelling, when he choked out, “Are you done now? Have we cleared the fucking air, Siri?”
Sirius stared up at him, teary silver gazes locked in each other, and Sirius felt like, for once, he was seeing the real Reggie, all the layers and defenses stripped away to leave his core completely exposed. It was something of a relief to know that there was someone in there, someone capable of yelling and fighting back and tears. He wasn’t the baby brother he knew, he wasn’t a quiet little toddler who hid behind his brother’s back and clutched his hand, but all of a sudden, Sirius recognized him. He was still Reggie. Just hardened, and older. Somehow, soaked to the bone, in tears, half hunched over himself, Reggie looked bigger than he’d ever seen him.
Fuck… he’d grown up. He’d gone and fucking grown up and Sirius wasn’t there to see it.
Even through it all, after all the pain they’d just inflicted on each other, Sirius didn’t want to let him go. He had so many things to say, fucking years worth of things, and he didn’t even know where to start. An apology, an expression of love, an expression of hate, or pride, even, at having fought back for once, but he was at his very limit, and he feared if he said anything that threatened to keep this going he’d shatter into pieces.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Yeah, Reggie,” he said. “We’re done.”
"In what philtre, in what potion, what wine,
Shall we drown this old enemy,
Destructive and greedy as a harlot,
Patient as the ant?
In what philtre, in what potion, what wine?"
- Charles Baudelaire, "L'Irréperable" (translation: William Aggeler, The Flowers of Evil, 1954)