the game
The petals fell one by one, floating down gently, flecks of white on the maroon Gryffindor carpet.
“She loves me.”
It was a Friday night, over a week since Sirius and Remus’s… whatever the hell it was.
“She loves me not.”
Honestly, Remus hadn’t expected it to go on this long. He’d expected Sirius to come crawling back the next morning, apologize rather awkwardly and sweep the whole thing under the rug like nothing had ever happened. And Remus would’ve let him. He’d let him get away with most anything.
“She loves me.”
They still sat next to each other in poetry. He’d have thought it awkward, sitting with Sirius in class while they were fighting, but instead, he found himself looking forward to it. Any time that he wasn’t in that classroom, all he could think about was going back. It was the only time he got to be near him anymore. Even when he didn’t speak, it was nice to just feel his presence behind him, the pattern of his breathing, the scent of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne, the jostling of robe fabric and silver jewelry. They were reading Othello , Remus’s favorite. He could tell Sirius liked it. He wondered if he knew how it was going to end. He wanted desperately to talk to him about it.
“She loves me not.”
He still couldn’t even understand what they’d been fighting over. He’d considered approaching Sirius with an apology, but what would he say? He didn’t have anything to apologize for. He refused to be the first one to give in, to chase after Sirius begging for forgiveness like he’d been in the wrong. It was Sirius who had practically attacked him with a kiss, Sirius who had screamed in his face for no good reason, Sirius who had declared their friendship over and stormed out.
“She loves me.”
It had occurred to him, standing in his room after the door slammed, that Sirius might just be crazy. Not the way people usually used the word crazy, in a casual, figurative way. Genuinely, legitimately crazy. He was supposed to be the normal Black, but what did Remus know about him, really? He knew almost nothing about who Sirius Black was before they met, and any attempts to find out about it had been shut down in no uncertain terms.
“She loves me not.”
You’ve had it hard. Merlin, that phrase barely even implied anything. Sirius’s subsequent freakout had said more than than the phrase itself even had, and if Sirius had been operating under any sort of logic at all, he’d have realized that. If anything, his reaction had only confirmed Remus’s suspicions about his home life, not that he would ever dare to bring them back up after that explosive response.
“She loves me.”
Sirius Black was impossible to understand. A walking contradiction. Crying in his arms, then screaming in his face. Don’t fucking touch me , then why did you let go?
“She loves me. She loves me not.”
“The fuck are you doing, James?”
Remus’s gaze shot up from the floor, the ever-expanding collection of flower petals on the carpet. Marlene stood in the doorway, Dorcas by her side.
“It’s a game,” James said. “Sirius taught me. Whatever I end on is the truth.” He plucked a petal. “ She loves me. ” Then another. “She loves me not. ”
Marlene scoffed, rolling her eyes fondly. “Sirius, of course. What a romantic.”
Something unidentifiable flickered over Dorcas’s expression, and she caught Remus’s eye briefly before her gaze returned to Marlene.
“She loves me.”
“Running low, there, huh?” Dorcas asked.
She and Marlene had taken a few steps forward to stand before the couch, watching James pluck the petals as if spectating a quidditch match. They seemed in odd sync, constantly glancing at each other and smiling. Remus wondered about their friendship. It seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
James only plucked another in reply. “She loves me not.”
Marlene glanced at Dorcas. “Y’know, James, I always figured that one day you’d get tired of chasing Lily around, but I never thought you’d resort to talking to a literal flower.”
“Why not just talk to her?” Dorcas added.
James’s expression turned mournful as he picked the next petal. “She loves me.”
In James’s refusal to answer, Dorcas and Marlene’s gazes settled Remus, as if expecting him to speak for his friend.
“No fun in that, I suppose,” he said, shrugging.
The last petal floated to the floor. “She loves me not.”
Marlene hissed through her teeth sympathetically, exchanging a look with Remus.
“Suppose you’re screwed, mate,” Remus said.
“Ughhhhh,” James groaned, throwing himself back onto the couch and covering his face. “It always works for Sirius.”
Marlene smirked. “Yeah, it’s Sirius. He doesn’t need to talk to flowers. He’s practically got suitors falling at his feet.”
“You’d know all about that, I’m sure.”
“Ugh,” Marlene rolled her eyes. “Stop talking to flowers and come get a drink with me,” she said, stepping over discarded flower petals to pull James off of the couch. “Remus- you want a drink?”
“Er, sure.”
“Alright. Be right back, Dorcas. Don’t have too much fun without me.”
James and Marlene headed out the door toward the common room, leaving Remus alone with Dorcas. A rather cruel thing to do, given that the two of them had absolutely nothing to talk about with each other. Dorcas plopped down on the couch beside him and clicked her tongue awkwardly in the ensuing silence. Remus had honestly never spoken a word to the girl since their introduction on the train. The sounds of the party, muffled music from Sirius’s radio, seeped through the walls.
Was he supposed to be making conversation? He never thought he’d be wishing to see Marlene, but Merlin, she couldn’t be back sooner. At least Dorcas wasn’t talking either, did that mean she felt as awkward as him? He studied the pile of flower petals on the carpet.
Suddenly, Dorcas shifted beside him, and-
“Okay, so, what the fuck is up with Sirius and Marlene? Is that, like, a thing?”
Just like that, the energy in the room shifted.
“Oh, Merlin, don’t get me started,” Remus said.
“That bad?”
“Worse.”
“No,” Dorcas leaned forward, her voice lowering to a hiss. “Tell me.”
“They dated last year, I think.”
“Well, I knew that .”
“Yeah, but I think they’d liked each other ever since first year,” Remus leaned forward as well, rather excited by the opportunity to talk about this. “They got into all the same music and style and everything. But anyway, they say they don’t like each other anymore, but they’re all over each other anytime they’re in the same room together.”
“ I know! It’s like they can’t keep their hands off each other!”
Remus nodded grimly. “It’s bad. And the way they talk about each other-”
“Oh my God, it’s absurd. All you have to do is say the name Sirius around her and she acts all disgusted like she hates him but then she always has to say something about how good looking he is. Like, I get it. He’s fucking attractive. Who gives a fuck? He’s a git.”
“...yeah.”
“Do you think they’ve fucked? Like, recently? After their breakup?”
Remus paused. Apparently, his expression conveyed enough.
“Ugh, no!” Dorcas cried in horror. “I mean, seriously -”
“What are you guys talking about?”
Dorcas practically shot out of her skin, turning to face Marlene in the doorway with a sheepish smile. “Nothing.”
Marlene’s gaze flickered over to Remus, eyeing him suspiciously for a moment before settling back on Dorcas. “Alright, keep your secrets, then.”
She sat between them on the couch, handing Remus a drink and turning to face Dorcas. Dorcas met Remus’s eyes briefly over her shoulder, smiling.
By the end of the night, Remus had decided that he actually liked Dorcas, both her wry sense of humor and the fact that she seemed to distract Marlene from her incessant flirtation with Sirius. Not that Sirius had even spared a second glance at him the whole night. It was especially awkward, now that all Sirius’s friends were Remus’s friends as well. Sirius wasn’t outright hostile towards him, but his refusal to speak to him or even make eye contact was undoubtedly noticeable. Merlin, it was ridiculous. All he had to do was apologize. Remus would forgive him in a second.
Apparently, he had left an impression on Dorcas, as the next morning, Marlene was standing in the doorway to his room explaining that Dorcas had expressed an interest in hanging out with him again. She wanted Marlene to bring him to the Slytherin dungeons that night to hang out with her friends.
It was a rather flattering thing to hear, that he’d left such an impression on someone, but… “There is no way I’m going to a Slytherin party,” Remus said. He could hardly handle the Gryffindor ones.
“It’s not a party, Remus, it’s just, like… friends hanging out.”
Remus frowned. “Is that not exactly what a party is?”
“Okay, well it’s more low-key. They’re actually sort of cool. Last time, we just played a game.”
“Wow, sounds cool. Shall we play a game of our own? We can place bets on how long until one of them hexes me for being a half-breed. Or maybe we can create slur bingo cards, first one to get bingo can-”
He paused. Marlene was staring at him peculiarly with a wry, amused smile.
“What?”
“I can see why Sirius likes you so much.”
Remus had not been expecting that. “I- what?” He sputtered, acutely aware of the heat rushing to his face.
Her blue gaze was piercing, analytical, like she was studying him. She shook her head, clicking her tongue sympathetically. “Remus Lupin, you poor bastard.”
“What?”
“You two had a row.” Marlene said. Her tone left no room for argument.
“What? How do you know that?”
“Well, you’ve hardly spoken a word to each other all week.”
“Oh, Merlin,” Remus sighed. “So you have noticed?”
“Mate, everyone’s fucking noticed. You two were practically attached at the hip before holiday and now it’s just… I dunno. It’s obvious that something happened, though.”
Remus groaned.
“So, I guess the realization’s hit, then.”
“What realization?”
A knowing smirk was growing on Marlene’s face. “That he’s batshit fucking crazy.”
Remus opened his mouth in a knee-jerk response to jump to his defense- then closed it. Wasn’t that the exact word he’d been thinking all week?
In his silence, Marlene stepped into his room, closing the door behind her. Great, Remus thought, what the hell was she about to tell him?
“Let me guess, he said some terrible shit to you and now he’s refusing to apologize.”
“How do you-”
“Don’t hold your breath, he never will.”
“Marlene, slow down, okay? How do you know all this?”
“Mate, Sirius and I spent five fucking years dancing around each other. I know how he operates. I love him, but he’s crazy.”
Remus paused. “Crazy’s a strong word…” he said weakly.
“Yeah, and I don’t use it lightly. It’s what he is.” She sighed. “Let me know if this sounds familiar. You try to talk to him about something serious- no pun intended- you say one little thing that’s barely even offensive, he takes it and freaks the fuck out over it. He shuts right down and refuses to tell you anything else.”
“...shit.”
“Yup,” Marlene said. “It’s not over, don’t worry. You’ll get the silent treatment for like, a couple weeks. Then he’ll come back, once it’s been long enough that you’ve started to let it go, with no apologies, no regrets, no nothing. Then… well, then we have sex, but I’m sure you haven’t really reached that part yet…”
“Merlin, no, and I did not need that mental image.”
“Shut up, you totally liked it,” Marlene scoffed. “But anyway, that’s what it’s like being with him. So, y’know, continue at your own risk.”
Remus paused, bewildered. It was unsettlingly accurate, and scarily specific, but he didn’t want to believe it. Sirius was just so… he shook his head. “But… he doesn’t act this way with James, does he? I mean, they’re way too close…”
“Of course he doesn’t,” Marlene said. “James is his best friend. It’s totally platonic. With me and you, well… romantic love is different, Remus. It’s more vulnerable.”
“I suppose so,” Remus sighed.
It hit him a moment later.
“Wait, what? Romantic? What are you- me and Sirius?”
“Oh, spare me the denial, Remus, it’s painfully obvious.”
Remus sputtered, momentarily blinded by panic. “Wait, you don’t- you’re not saying everyone knows, are you?” This was easily the second worst secret that could possibly come out about him.
“Merlin, no. They’re all oblivious, but… well, takes one to know one.”
“What do you- oh.”
He supposed that explained the whole Dorcas thing.
“But you and Sirius…”
She shrugged. “It’s complicated. I’m done with him, though, really. I promise.” She paused. “He’s amazing in bed, too, just so you know, you have a lot to look forward to-”
“Alright, alright, that’s enough! I do not want to hear about-”
“Oh, don’t get your panties in a twist. He was totally thinking of you the whole time we did it anyway. He moaned Remus when he-”
“He did what???”
“No, I’m fucking with you. He was definitely thinking it, though.”
“Merlin’s sake…” Remus threw himself back onto his bed, grabbed a pillow, and shoved his face into it. Marlene was silent for a few moments, probably taking great amusement from his pain. Finally, he retreated from the pillow to say, “Well, I don’t have anything to look forward to, apparently, because he hasn’t even looked at me all week, so…”
“He does look at you,” Marlene said. “He just makes sure you’re not looking first.”
“Oh,” Remus said, blushing. He didn’t even bother to feign displeasure at the notion.
“He’ll be back, Remus,” said Marlene. “You just have to get him to chase you.”
“He doesn’t chase anyone.”
“Exactly, so if you can get him to chase you, you know he really fucking likes you. Which he does, by the way. And he will, if you play your cards right.”
Remus sighed. He had no idea how this romance bullshit worked, and he was about the least smooth person in the world. “Okay, well, how do I do that? I don’t- I don’t do this shit, I barely even talk to anyone…”
“Come with me to hang out with Dorcas tonight.”
“Oh, Merlin, of course…”
“No, seriously, Remus. The minute you stop being miserable that he’s gone, he’ll come crawling right back.”
Remus bit his lip. “Alright, maybe you’re right,” he said. “But I am not going to a party with a bunch of Slytherins I don’t even know.”
“Hey, I barely know them either! How do you think I feel?”
“Well, you’ve got no choice, and I do.”
“Remus, listen,” Marlene said. “Imagine when Sirius sees that we were hanging out. The two of us. That is literally his worst nightmare.
Remus paused. Sirius would be horrified. It’d be quite funny, actually. Remus could picture him now, leaning in his doorway like, so, you and Marlene are friends now, huh? That little crease between his eyebrows.
“Besides, what the fuck else are you doing tonight, huh? All your friends are his friends, too. If you’re around, he’ll see you. But if you’re not here, if both of us aren’t here… oh, he’ll notice.”
It really wasn’t a bad idea. Remus had never been one for drama, he’d never been one for complicated romantic games. He preferred to just flat out say what he was feeling. But Sirius clearly was one for that sort of thing, and Remus’s current philosophy clearly wasn’t getting him anywhere. Plus, the thought of Sirius being jealous of him…
He shook his head. “I cannot believe I’m agreeing to this…”
“Ha, yes!” Marlene said, face splitting into a grin. “It’s gonna be great!”
“I reserve the right to leave whenever I want,” Remus said.
“Of course,” Marlene said. She turned as if to go, then paused in the doorway. “Oh- er, one more thing. Regulus is gonna be there, so… just, try to steer clear of mentioning Sirius. Or, actually, maybe just don’t even say his name. Like, at all. I’ll say you’re my friend, not his.”
“Bloody hell, it’s that bad between them? They can’t even hear each other’s names ?”
“Oh, it’s worse. Don’t even get them going.”
“Merlin, alright,” Remus sighed. “See you tonight, I suppose.”
Marlene turned again but stopped with her hand on the doorknob.
“What, something else?” Remus asked.
She cast him a hesitant look over her shoulder, biting her lip as if conflicted. “Just… be careful, Remus.”
“What is this, the ‘if you hurt him, I’ll kill you’ speech?”
She let out a brief, hysterical laugh. “Not quite. It’s just… he’s… he can be a lot, y’know? I just figure I should like, warn you. Be careful around him. Be careful what you tell him.”
Remus blanched. “What? Why?”
“He’s just, y’know, a lot. And when you tell him stuff… well, he’ll throw it back in your face. He doesn’t care how fucking personal it is, he doesn’t care how sensitive you are about it, it could be the biggest secret on the fucking planet and he’ll use it against you at the worst possible moment. Every secret you tell him becomes a weapon in his fucking arsenal. And he’ll feel really fucking bad about it, but then he won’t even apologize. He never apologizes. Like, he physically can’t.”
“I…” That was a rather horrifying idea.
“I love him to death, Remus, really. He can be the sweetest person ever sometimes. I’m just- I can’t let you get into this without knowing all the risks…” She paused. “But also, if you hurt him I’ll really fucking kill you. Like, I will rip your face right off and feed it to the fucking dragons.”
Remus stared at her, bewildered. Did he even want Sirius this badly? Was he even worth all this?
“Kinda sounds like he’s more likely to hurt me,” he said blankly.
“Yeah.”
That was all she said before she left.
If you had gone back and told Remus in the beginning of the year that he’d be sitting in the Slytherin dungeons drinking with a group of Slytherins, one of which was Regulus Black, he’d have laughed in your damn face.
Merlin, what was he becoming? He hardly even recognized himself anymore.
The Slytherins were surprisingly normal, honestly. Remus didn’t know what he’d expected, that they’d sit around in their uniforms drinking blood and talking about eradicating all the muggleborns, perhaps, but in reality, their hangouts were hardly different from the ones with his friends. They dressed casually, sat on the carpet passing the bottle of firewhiskey around, gossiping about people Remus had never heard of. Aside from quick introductions, his presence was barely acknowledged. Everyone seemed to simply accept him as one of Dorcas’s friends and move right on.
There was the kid who was always hanging out with Regulus, all dark hair and smirks and huge gulps of firewhiskey, who introduced himself with his full ridiculous name- Barty Crouch, Jr - then proceeded to ignore Remus completely. He seemed the most stereotypical Slytherin of the group, and Remus had to admit to being slightly unsettled by his presence. Evan Rosier had clearly recognized him, offering him a casual smile and nod. Remus was pretty sure he didn’t actually know where he knew him from, mostly because if Evan had recognized Remus as one of Sirius’s friends there was no way he’d have had such a friendly reception. Evan’s sister, Pandora, had a wispy, delicate look to her, a pale purple dress, and long blonde hair that reached halfway down her torso. He liked her immediately, if only because she wasn’t afraid to stand out. She was about the least Slytherin-looking person Remus had ever seen.
And beside her, on the pure opposite end of the spectrum, was Regulus Black.
Regulus clearly did not like Remus. Which was fine, because Remus didn’t like the little brat either. He didn’t like his pretentious holier-than-thou attitude or his stone-cold pale face or his creepy dead eyes, and he certainly didn’t like the way he treated his brother like absolute shit and refused to even acknowledge his existence. He knew Sirius cared about Regulus, just as he knew Sirius would never in a million years admit it, but that didn’t mean Remus had to care about him, too. The one time Remus had actually felt bad for him, Regulus had thrown it in his face by calling him a half-blood and then Sirius himself had thrown it in his face by screaming at him over it, at first simply for making the observation and then for not telling him about said observation, apparently blind to the contradiction in his anger. So, yeah. Remus wasn’t touching that conflict with a ten-foot pole.
It was admittedly pretty strange to see Regulus here. He was one of those students that Remus had never really thought about actually existing outside of the Hogwarts halls. He wasn’t popular in the well-liked way that Sirius was, but his presence commanded respect based on family reputation alone. With his name and his looks, he could easily be just as popular as James and Sirius if he didn’t insist on being such a quiet, standoffish prat. He did look a little more approachable like this, dressed down in black jeans and black hoodie- all black, Remus expected nothing less- posture slightly slumped, cheeks pink from the alcohol. That Pandora girl obviously liked him, if the way she kept glancing at him and blushing was any indication. Despite having known her for all of ten minutes, Remus found himself thinking she could do far better.
The first half hour or so they were just talking, gossipping about people Remus didn’t know, and they seemed pretty comfortable with his presence. Regulus, of course, was the only exception. He made no attempts to conceal his distaste for Remus, glaring at him from across the carpet every time Remus so much as moved. He tried to ignore it. He was just some bratty kid, and Remus could snap him like a twig if the need arose. But those eyes… Merlin, they were creepy. He couldn’t shake the feeling that, somehow, Regulus knew . Sirius’s gaze never made him feel like that. Sirius’s eyes were a soft, glimmering silver, like the star pendant he wore around his neck, where Regulus’s were more like a silver bullet, hostile gaze cutting straight through Remus’s skin to reveal everything he was underneath. He looked at everything like he was contemplating a million different ways to destroy it. Remus was slightly intimidated, though you’d have to crucio him to get him to admit it. Something that he could actually see Regulus doing, ironically.
Once everyone was pleasantly tipsy, they agreed to play a game of Marlene’s suggestion, some muggle card game Remus had never heard of. He was rather shocked, actually, that they had agreed to it, though he had caught a huff of disapproval from Regulus when Marlene mentioned the game’s muggle origins.
Marlene explained the rules of the game, which for some reason required a bunch of spoons along with the muggle deck of cards she was shuffling. “...and when you get all four of the same cards you reach in and take a spoon. Whoever doesn’t get a spoon has to take a shot.”
“But what if we don’t wanna drink?” Pandora interrupted.
“Better not lose, then,” Barty said, reentering the room with a handful of fancy-looking silver spoons and dumping them unceremoniously onto the carpet.
“Seriously?” Marlene said. “These are like, the most pretentious spoons I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Get used to it, love, you’re in pureblood territory,” Dorcas chirped.
The nickname seemed to have flown over everyone’s heads, but Remus could tell Marlene was blushing even as she ducked her head down to hide it. “Merlin, help me,” she mumbled to herself, shaking her head as she dealt the cards out across the circle.
It was a simple game, even for the Slytherins, most of whom seemed to have never encountered a deck of muggle cards in their lives. It was shockingly chaotic, a flurry of passing cards and tense hands and anticipatory giggles, eyes flicking from the cards to the spoons in the middle of the carpet. In the first round, Regulus was the first to take a spoon, quick and deathly silent such that it was over thirty seconds before the rest of the group caught on and lunged toward the middle in a pile of tangled limbs and laughter. Evan, who had been too focused on his own cards, was the last to catch on.
Regulus dropped his hand, four kings, onto the carpet while Evan took his shot.
“Nicely played, baby Black,” Marlene said, tossing her spoon back into the middle.
Clearly displeased by the nickname’s subtle allusions to the existence of his older brother, Regulus huffed and rolled his eyes in a gesture that was ironically so Sirius Black that Remus had to catch Marlene’s eye if only to send her an are you seeing this shit look. She raised her eyebrows and smirked in response.
“Why is one of the kings killing himself?” Regulus asked suddenly, drawing Remus and Marlene’s gazes back to him.
“What are you talking about?” Marlene asked.
“The king of hearts is stabbing himself in the head.”
“No, he’s not,” she said.
“Yes, he is,” Regulus insisted rather petulantly. He threw the card at Marlene.
She caught it, and Remus found himself peering over her shoulder to examine the card himself. Regulus was right. The king of hearts was staring straight ahead, eyes blank and empty, his arm raised up to thrust his dagger straight through his head. Remus shuddered and looked away, unsettled.
“Oh, shit,” Marlene said. “I never noticed. That’s so weird.”
She passed the card over to Dorcas, who squinted at it curiously before passing it on to Evan. “Creepy,” she said.
“Why would they do that?” Evan asked.
“I guess he had nothing left to live for,” said Regulus.
“I meant why would the people who made the cards do that, jeez.”
“Always so morbid, Reg,” Dorcas said, leaning across the circle to swat his head.
“Maybe he’s just like- cutting his hair?” Pandora suggested.
A startled, boyish laugh burst from Regulus’s throat, seemingly before he could stop it. Pandora blushed and smiled, visibly pleased, as giggles erupted around her. It was rather strange, Remus thought, to see Regulus laughing. Although, to be fair, he hadn’t even heard him speak until the train a few weeks ago. In which he had insulted him for no damn reason, Remus reminded himself, before he let himself think anything nice about the kid.
The next few rounds went by in a drunken flurry of scrabbling hands, yelling, and explosive laughter. It was an endlessly entertaining game, especially with his mind slightly muddled by the alcohol, making it difficult to focus on both the cards and the spoons at the same time. After one particular round, everyone lunged for the middle, snatched their spoons, and then glanced around the circle at each other in panting, breathless silence, waiting for the loser to announce themself. Typically, there would be an outcry of disappointment or rage from the one empty-handed person, and in the absence of that, the room had fallen into confused silence.
“Okay, who the fuck lost?” Marlene asked.
Remus scanned the circle. Pandora looked strangely guilty, pink-cheeked and smiling mysteriously, though she had a spoon in her hand.
“I did,” Regulus said beside her, holding up his two empty hands.
Remus frowned. He had seen Regulus take a spoon, the kid had practically slapped Remus’s hand off trying to get to one. Perhaps he’d dropped it or something.
“Well, you could’ve said something,” Marlene was saying.
“Eh, it’s fucking Reg, what do you expect?” Dorcas said. “He doesn’t talk.”
Regulus frowned. “I talk plenty,” he spat.
“We’ve been friends since our first day at Hogwarts and I’ve never heard him so much as raise his voice,” Barty added. “I don’t even think he’s capable of yelling.” It was an aside to Marlene, but he was glancing and smirking at Regulus teasingly, as if trying to drag a reaction from him.
Regulus redirected his gaze to the floor with a wry smile.
“What, nothing to say for yourself?”
“Or yell for yourself?” Dorcas added.
For a moment, Regulus was silent, and then, in one swift movement, he threw himself across the circle to wrench the spoon out of Barty’s hand with the speed and precision of a seeker. By the time Remus had realized what happened, Regulus was already back in his old spot, holding the spoon up with a triumphant look that was painfully reminiscent of Sirius’s smirks.
Dorcas burst into laughter.
“You little- that doesn’t count!” Barty cried, face bright red.
Regulus slid the firewhiskey bottle across the carpet to him. “Drink up, loser.”
“Those fucking seeker instincts, man, it’s like cheating!”
“Not my fault you suck.”
Barty made like he was reaching for the bottle before lunging across the circle at Regulus, who scrambled back, holding the spoon out before him as if he intended to use it as a weapon. The rest of the group had dissolved into drunken giggling at the interaction.
“I’ll stab you with this,” Regulus said.
“You can’t stab me with a fucking spoon , Reg.”
“Sure I can, if I stick it in the right place.”
The giggles subsided suddenly, plunging the room into brief, bewildered silence. Remus, again, couldn’t help but think of Sirius. He’d probably be delighted to see his pompous brother say such a crude thing.
“He doesn’t say much, but he gets his point across, alright,” Dorcas said.
The laughter returned. Barty picked up a handful of cards and threw them at Regulus’s face, one of them landing right in his hair, before taking a defeated sip of firewhiskey. Regulus blinked, smiling flatly, and ran a hand over his curls. The king of hearts fell out into his lap.
A couple of minutes later almost everyone had lost at least once- even Regulus- and the game was pretty much falling apart. Everyone but Pandora was operating at different levels of drunkenness, including Remus himself, who had lost a few games and was really starting to feel the effects. Laughter was coming way easier, his body was looser, and he was becoming increasingly comfortable with the group. He was almost disappointed when Marlene announced that they ought to be shutting the game down.
“Remus and I have to get back to Gryffindor tower,” she said to a chorus of disapproving groans.
“You guys are so cool for Gryffindors,” Pandora whined.
“Hold on, who won?” Evan asked suddenly. “Did anyone not lose a single round?”
“I didn’t!” Pandora cried.
“Shut up, you liar,” Evan chided his sister. “You totally lost that one round, Reg just slipped you his spoon so you wouldn’t have to drink.”
No way, Remus thought.
“Wait, really?” Dorcas asked, glancing at Regulus. His dimpled cheeks were pink, smiling guiltily. Merlin, his blush looked just like Sirius’s.
Dorcas’s face split into a huge grin, and she and Marlene broke out into a chorus of “AWWWW”s.
“That is so sweet! ” Dorcas cooed.
“Ugh, Evan!” Pandora cried, throwing a card at his face. “You’re so annoying!”
“What, you think you get to cheat just cause Reg took pity on you?”
“Okay, okay,” Marlene said, throwing her hands out into the circle placatingly. “We’ve got more than enough sibling rivalry around here as is, guys, seriously.”
Remus cringed. Marlene’s filter tended to disappear with a few drinks. He cast a glance over at Regulus, who didn’t appear to have noticed the comment, likely too drunk himself, thank Merlin.
“Anyway, I won,” Marlene continued. “I didn’t lose any rounds.”
“But you’re drunk!”
“Yeah, cause I was drinking, not cause I lost the game!”
Remus frowned. Now that he was thinking about it… “Yeah, she’s right. She didn’t lose once,” he confirmed. “I was sitting right next to her, so…”
It took the Slytherins a few more minutes and dumb, drunken arguments to accept Marlene as their winner, but eventually, everyone seemed too tired to argue any longer, and Dorcas announced that they needed to give Marlene a prize for her win before allowing her to return to her room.
“Whatever, I still think she’s lying,” Barty said.
Ignoring him, Dorcas leapt up from the rug and stumbled over to the table by the dungeon’s fireplace. A vase of black daisies sat on top. Remus hadn’t even known that daisies could be black. A color-changing charm, he supposed. He had to hand it to Slytherns, they really were committed to their aesthetics.
“Hey, those are my flowers!” Pandora cried as Dorcas plucked one from the vase.
“I think you can live without one ,” Evan chided her. She stuck her tongue out at him.
Dorcas handed the flower to Marlene. “Congratulations, winner,” she said.
Marlene smiled, blushing, and Remus silently thanked Merlin that everyone was drunk right now, otherwise they’d certainly pick up on whatever was going on between those two.
The walk back was silent, but it was a good silence. The sort of silence that came when you’d just had fun and there was really nothing left to say or do about it. Marlene was humming happily, sniffing her flower every once in a while and smiling to herself like a lovestruck schoolgirl.
Remus honestly hadn’t expected to have as much fun as he did. He couldn’t say he liked all of them- that Barty kid still freaked him out- but they made good drinking company, at least. Terrible political opinions aside, he could stand to hang around them again, he thought. His own friends would probably like them.
Of course, it would never happen, because Sirius and Regulus literally couldn’t stand to be in the same bloody room together.
Though he knew it was none of his business, Remus had to admit, this rivalry was feeling more and more ridiculous the further he thought about it. Sirius loved Regulus. It was obvious- the extended staring, the explosive reactions anytime his name was mentioned. Even the way he referred to him- Reggie . Never Regulus. Always Reggie.
Now, it would be one thing if Regulus was just like their parents, if he’d contributed to whatever terrible shit Sirius had gone through in that house, and that had been Remus’s leading theory for the past few months. Regulus certainly gave off that sort of vibe, stiff, scary, dead-eyed. He looked like a sociopath. He looked like how Remus imagined the rest of the Blacks to look. But spending time around Regulus, seeing the way he acted around his friends, had painted a different picture. He was a little shit- yeah, scary- sure, but evil? He gave Pandora his spoon, for Merlin’s sake. He wasn’t evil. He was just a bratty kid.
It was none of Remus’s business. He’d already gotten a verbal ass-kicking from Sirius for even implying anything about it, so it was certainly in his best interest to steer clear of the topic. But he couldn’t help but care about Sirius. And he couldn’t help but think of how much happier he would be with his brother in his life.
Of course, according to Sirius, they were no longer friends. So he supposed that really made it none of his business.
“Looks like things have shut down,” Marlene commented when they entered Gryffindor tower, breaking the silence. The common room was a mess, but mostly empty, only a few drunken stragglers remaining from the night’s events. “Thanks for coming, Remus,” she said. “I had fun.”
“Me too,” Remus said. He and Marlene’s rooms were in opposite hallways, so he turned awkwardly towards his, signaling the end of their interaction. “Well, uh, see you-”
“Hold on,” Marlene said. She glanced about the room, as if to ensure that no one was listening, then leaned in close to Remus and hissed, “Give him a taste of his own medicine.”
Remus blinked. “Huh?” he whispered. “Who, Sirius?”
“Who else?” Marlene asked. “Confuse him. Play his game.”
Remus sighed. “Marlene, we’re just…”
Marlene shushed him. She held the daisy up between them, pushing it towards Remus as if she wanted him to take it.
“What are you…”
She shushed him again, holding the daisy out insistently. “Play his game, Remus.”
Remus took the flower reluctantly. “I’m not even gonna see him tonight,” he said, bewildered.
“He’ll find you.”
Her tone left no room for argument.
She was gone before he could even respond, and Remus was left standing in the middle of the common room, surrounded by a mess of empty bottles and passed-out students. He stared at the daisy in his hand, bewildered. What had she expected him to do with this? Give it to Sirius or something? He wasn’t even here.
He sighed, shaking his head, and began walking in the direction of his room.
“Nice flower.”
Sirius was leaning in the entrance of his hallway, because of course he was. He’d clearly been winding down from the party, half-drunk with flushed cheeks and messy hair and a smirk that was nearly identical to his little brother’s. His silver eyes were slightly red and unfocused, but trained directly on Remus for the first time in what felt like ages. He was dressed only in a t-shirt and sweatpants, the absence of his signature leather jacket leaving his pasty arms to stick out of his short sleeves. It was a strangely intimate sight, making him look smaller, more vulnerable. Remus had the sudden urge to walk over there and take him in his arms, not even to kiss him, just to feel his body against his, inhale his scent. Earlier, he’d been asking himself if he even wanted him that badly. What had he been thinking? What a stupid question.
He didn’t even know where he’d come from. Remus had to hold back a smirk. Marlene had been right.
“What’s so funny?”
Alright, so maybe he hadn’t held the smirk back so well. Whatever. He was drunk. What the hell was he supposed to do now, anyways?
Confuse him.
Remus went on walking down the hallway, breezing right past him without a second look.
Sirius was at his heels in an instant. “Remus,” he said.
Remus kept walking. It was like a game, he supposed. His room was on the second floor, up the spiral staircase at the end of the hallway. Sirius’s was on this floor. Could he get Sirius to follow him all the way up the stairs for no apparent reason? How long could he have Sirius at his heels without saying a word?
“What’s this, the silent treatment?”
Remus kept walking.
“Hey, Remus.” Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm, stopping them halfway down the hallway. It was a soft, gentle grip, one that left him the option to pull away. He didn’t. He stood there, holding the flower, staring into Sirius’s silver eyes, saying nothing.
“It really is the silent treatment, huh?” Sirius said softly.
Remus knew that look. The sad hurt always transitioned immediately into righteous anger and frustration, and within a few seconds Sirius would be storming off in a huff. Remus had to give him something .
He glanced back down at the black daisy pinched between his fingers and it hit him all at once.
Remus plucked the first petal off the daisy. “She loves me.”
Sirius’s expression morphed from disappointment to confusion to pure bewilderment, staring down at the daisy in Remus’s hands as if it were some mystical object.
“The fuck?” he asked finally, looking up at Remus.
Remus couldn’t help it; he smiled. He plucked the second petal, and Sirius watched it fall softly to the carpet as if staring after it long enough would reveal all the answers. “She loves me not.” Remus turned and kept on walking.
He didn’t check to see if Sirius had followed; he knew he would.
“What are you doing?”
Petal. “She loves me.”
They were a few steps from the staircase now.
Petal. “She loves me not.”
“She, huh?” Sirius said.
Remus stopped this time, turning to face Sirius in the entrance to the spiral stairwell, the cold draft seeping through the back of his jumper.
“Who’s the lucky girl?” Sirius asked, blinking coyly. “Can’t imagine she’s prettier than me.”
Remus took a step backwards into the stairwell, letting the cool, drafty air wash over him. They stood on either side, Sirius on the soft carpet of the hallway, Remus on the cold gray stone of the spiral staircase. It was a very particular sort of game. He couldn’t lunge forward and grab Sirius and pull him to his chest before anyone else could, like with a spoon. He had to work for it. He had to make him want to come.
He plucked another petal off, watched Sirius’s glimmering eyes as they followed it down to the gray stone. “He loves me.”
The words echoed up the stairwell, bouncing off the jagged stone walls as they curled all the way up the tower. Anyone could’ve heard. Remus didn’t care. He took another step backward and Sirius was right there with him, and in moments the two of them were making their way up the stairs, Sirius a few steps behind him.
Remus dropped a petal to the step in front of him, crushing it beneath his converse with his next step. “He loves me not.”
Petal. “He loves me.”
“What’s your aim here, huh? What are you getting at?”
Remus paused on the step, but didn’t turn around.
“It’s not a terribly complicated game, Sirius. It’s just picking petals off a flower.” Petal. “He loves me not.”
“You know what I meant.”
They resumed their walk.
“I don’t, actually.”
“Were you hanging out with Marlene?”
Petal. “ He loves me. Yeah. What’s it to you?”
“Nothing.”
Petal. “He loves me not.”
“Did you guys get drunk?”
“Yup.” Petal. “He loves me.”
“You gonna tell me where you were?”
“Nope.” Petal. “He loves me not.”
“Alright, fine. Whatever.”
Remus smiled wryly and paused again, his finger hovering over the daisy. “Green-eyed monster , huh, Sirius?”
He turned briefly just to see Sirius’s reaction, the way his brows twitched in confusion and his gaze fell to the stone floor. “What do you…” Remus saw the exact moment it came together in his mind, the way his eyes lit up and he looked up to meet Remus’s gaze triumphantly. “ Othello , I remember. Nice, Remus.”
Remus dropped the next petal into Sirius’s hair. “He loves me.”
Blinking, Sirius ran a hand over his waves to dislodge the petal with a little huff of annoyance. Remus turned and continued walking to hide his smile.
“I’m not jealous, so you know,” Sirius added, following close behind.
“No?” Petal. “He loves me not.”
“Of course not.”
“See, I was under the impression that we were no longer friends. So I was just trying to make some new ones. Having fun without you , as you suggested.”
“Hey, come on, Remus. You know I didn’t mean that.”
“Do I now?” Petal. “ He loves me.”
“Of course you do. I just say stupid things sometimes.”
“You got that right.”
“Okay, so let’s just forget about it. We can be friends again.”
Petal. “He loves me not.”
Remus said nothing else.
“Hello? Remus? Come on, don’t be stubborn. We can be friends again.”
“I suppose we can, if I forgive you.” Petal. “He loves me.”
“Okay, so forgive me.”
“I can’t, because you haven’t apologized.”
“Yes, I have.”
Petal. “He loves me not.”
“Don’t be stupid, Remus. I have apologized.”
Petal. “He loves me.”
“Hello? I said I apologized.”
Remus stopped and turned to face him again. Sirius started, stumbling back a step at the sudden intensity. “You said that you didn’t mean it. You said that it was stupid. Never once did you say you were sorry. Given that you were the apology police last week, I figured you’d be keeping track.”
Sirius stared up at him, two steps below him, biting his lip like a stubborn child. Pointedly not saying a word.
Remus dropped the next petal onto the step between them. “He loves me not.”
Sirius’s eyes followed the petal down, petulantly refusing to meet Remus’s gaze.
“Now that’s the silent treatment. Y’know, Sirius, you may be the most confusing person in this castle.”
That got Sirius’s attention. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, frowning.
“It means what it means. I don’t play games.” Petal. “He loves me.”
“You really think I’m confusing?”
Remus let out a bewildered scoff. “Let’s see. You’re obnoxious and annoying and then you read poetry beautifully. You kiss me and then you sleep with somebody else. You hate your brother and then you lose your shit anytime he’s mentioned. You run away from home but you never had it hard there. You cry in my arms and then you scream in my face. You want to be more than friends and then you don’t want to be friends at all. You regret what you said but you won’t apologize. Am I missing anything, Sirius?”
Sirius stood there, eyes wide, mouth hanging open like his voice had short-circuited. His face was a shade paler than usual.
Remus dropped another petal. It fluttered down to join the other one on the step between them. “He loves me not.”
He turned away from Sirius. They were a few steps away from the top of the stairs, now. Remus took them, dead silence in the stairwell behind him indicating that Sirius hadn’t moved. Just as he made to cross over the carpet into the hallway, there was a rapid array of steps, Sirius catching right up with him in a burst of energy.
“Y’know, you’re just as confusing, Remus. You tell me you’re going to stop feeling things for me over holiday and then you kiss me the moment you see me on the train. You tell me you want to be friends, just friends, and here you are asking a flower if I like you.”
Remus smirked. He and Sirius stood right on the edge of the carpet. Behind Sirius, he could see down the staircase, the spiral trail of black daisy petals against cold gray stone. His door was only a few meters away.
“How do you know I’m talking about you?” he asked.
“Well, you did switch to he .”
“Plenty of men in the world.” He dropped a petal right at Sirius’s feet. “ He loves me.” Sirius followed every petal with his eyes, watched intently as if expecting it to do something other than float to the ground. “I could be talking about anyone.” Petal. “He loves me not.”
Sirius raised his eyes to meet Remus’s again. “You could . But you’re not.”
“No. I’m not.” Petal. “He loves me.”
He turned to walk down the hallway towards his room, Sirius close behind. As they approached his door, only a few petals remained.
“It is all dreadfully confusing, isn’t it?” Remus sighed. “I suppose that’s why I’d rather talk to a flower than you.”
Sirius grabbed his arm again, harder this time, forcing Remus to stop in his tracks. Sirius swept forward to stand in front of him, blocking Remus’s way to his door. His grip loosened.
“And I’d rather not talk at all,” he said coyly.
“No? What would you like to do, then?”
Sirius’s gaze flickered down to the nearly-naked flower between them, to his hand on Remus’s arm. His fingers were deft and light as they ran down the length of his forearm to hover at the cuff of his jumper, soft fingertips brushing against the back of Remus’s hand. He met Remus’s eyes again, looking up through his eyelashes almost shyly, desire seeping through his silver irises, but Remus refused to indulge it. He wanted to just stay right here, relish the fingers tangling with his, touch light and fragile as if a butterfly had landed on his hand.
“‘The beast with two backs,’” Sirius whispered.
Remus couldn’t resist a smile.
“I can do it too, see?” Sirius said proudly.
“Of course you can,” Remus said. “You’re a poet.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’m not a poet, Remus,” he huffed.
Remus hummed thoughtfully. “He reads poetry, he memorizes poetry, but he’s not a poet. Shall we add that to the list of contradictions, love?”
Sirius cheeks flushed, the pale pink in his cheeks and lips balancing stark black and white contrast between his skin and hair. He was always at his most beautiful like that.
Remus, regrettably, extracted his hand from Sirius’s fingers to pluck the third-to-last petal. “He loves me not.” Two left, now. “You do know how that story ends, don’t you? Othello and Desdemona?”
Sirius shook his head.
“He betrays her. At the end of the play, he kills her.”
Sirius’s eyes widened. “What? But- why would he- ugh,” he sighed, staring down at the floor. “Nothing ever ends happy.”
Remus paused, thrown off his rhythm.
Sirius looked back up at him. “You’d never betray me, Remus,” he added.
Remus laughed. “You’re assuming you’d be Desdemona?”
“Well, I am very fair and lovely,” Sirius said.
“And I’m not?”
“Oh, shut up, Remus, of course you are.” He paused, glancing down at the collection of black petals on the floor between them. “But, so you know, I’d never betray you. Or kill you.”
“How utterly romantic of you.” He picked the second to last petal and watched Sirius’s eyes follow it to the floor. “He loves me not.”
“Yes, well, perhaps I’m not as complicated as you think I am, Remus.”
Sirius took a step closer, blinking up at him through wispy black eyelashes, and he knew exactly what he was doing to Remus, knew exactly what he looked like. His hands stayed stagnant by his sides, refusing to initiate any more touch, daring Remus to do it himself, and it was working.
He reached up to cup Sirius’s jaw, his cheek flushing pink as Remus brushed over it, skin softer than a flower petal beneath his thumb. As if on instinct, Sirius’s hand clasped around Remus’s wrist and sat there, thumbing the cuff of his jumper. He stared up at him, lips parted as if ready for a kiss and it took every bit of willpower in Remus not to do it. Kissing Sirius would be like letting him win. He still hadn’t even apologized.
When it became clear that neither of them were going to close the gap, Sirius’s eyes flickered down at the flower between them, one lone petal barely hanging onto the center.
“You gonna pluck that one or just keep staring at me?”
Remus followed his gaze down and sighed heavily. “I dunno. I’ve rather tired of this game.”
Sirius’s eyebrows tugged together, bemused. “What, after all that?”
Remus shrugged silently and removed his hand from Sirius’s face. Sirius’s hand traveled down with it and grasped lightly at Remus’s fingers as if trying to pull him back in. Remus ignored them. “It’s been a long night,” he said. “I’m going to bed.”
He turned back to his door, reached for the knob, and Sirius’s arm shot out to instead clasp around Remus’s other hand, the one that held the flower and its singular petal. Remus turned to face him again, breath caught in his throat, hovering by the doorknob.
Holding his gaze, Sirius plucked the final petal. They watched it flutter to the carpet in silence.
He didn’t say it. They both remembered which one they were on.
“Goodnight, Remus,” Sirius said softly.
Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,
That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,
Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweet
That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!
- Act IV, Scene 2, Othello , William Shakespeare